Love: Today, my crush of over a year came over for me to take her on...

By JK2010 - Israel

Today, my crush of over a year came over for me to take her on our first date. Today was also the day my drunk parents decided to dance the chicken dance in our front yard, naked. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39217

You deserved it

3208

Favorite

Love

DINOSAURS!!

Long story short

Near the knuckle

By regretsteachinghighschool - United States - Rochester

Today, while teaching juniors about black holes, I said, "Imagine everything being sucked into a black hole." An African-American student shouted, "I'd better start clenching!" Nobody took the lesson seriously after that. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48404

You deserved it

5803

Favorite

By pmony - United States

Today, I got stuck in a revolving door. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24288

You deserved it

9683

Favorite

By noooo - United States

Today, my new friend and I went out to a concert. When we came back to her house, she ran upstairs and left me alone. Suddenly, a naked man came into my view and I stared at him horrified. Great way to meet her Dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31915

You deserved it

2687

Favorite

By lonely girl - United States

Today, I went with my dad to Starbucks. There is this really cute guy who works there and he kept looking over at me, so I went over to say hi. He ended up asking if my dad was single. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46845

You deserved it

4351

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Mount Jackson

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend and best friend making out. His explanation was that he was trying to stop her from having an allergic reaction to peanut butter. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30251

You deserved it

1992

Favorite

By just the tip, though - United States - Grovetown

Today, at work teaching a cooking class, one of the kids asked if they could use a knife to help me chop vegetables. I said no, because it was very sharp and only staff members are allowed to use them. Just as I said that, the knife sliced through the tip of my thumb. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42930

You deserved it

11870

Favorite

By afather - United States - Worthing

Today, I had to take my son to the hospital for drinking sunscreen. Apparently, he saw something on the internet that said if he drank it, his body would sweat it out and continually apply it to his body. He's 16. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39244

You deserved it

6495

Favorite

By ish - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me in the parking lot right before a baseball game, then convinced me to still go to the game in tears. After the game, we were walking back to the car and he goes, "so, how about some break up lovin'?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

64775

You deserved it

9241

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Cortlandt Manor

Today, I brought my best painting yet to college. I showed it off and everyone loved it. Or almost everyone. When we came back from lunch break, we found someone had sharpied the words "JIZZ BUTT" all over it. That painting took two weeks to finish. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23399

You deserved it

1966

Favorite

By Tiny - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I had to sit through yet another one of my mom's, "You need to grow and gain some weight!" rants. I'm 22 and she doesn't believe me when I tell her I'm done growing. I'm pretty sure I'm not getting past 5'2". FML

I agree, your life sucks

45657

You deserved it

3780

Favorite

By Sunny - United States - Milwaukee

Awkward...

Today, I went to this coffee shop in town that has a fire pit outdoors with my boyfriend. I threw out the idea of sitting by the fire together, and he responded by telling me that his father and dog died in a house fire when he was young. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2722

You deserved it

246

Favorite

By Anonymous - Denmark - Frederiksberg

Today, while getting ready to go to bed, I told my boyfriend that I feel depressed due to the lack of intimacy in our relationship. His response was to roll over, fall asleep, and send a deadly fart my way. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27058

You deserved it

3826

Favorite

By Cuzles - United States

Today, I locked the door to our only bathroom so my two year old wouldn't get in and make a mess. I crapped my pants while trying to unlock it with the key that rests on the frame. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18539

You deserved it

36087

Favorite

By roofer - United States

Today, I was working on a client's roof. Some neighborhood kids thought it would be hilarious if they knocked over my ladder. I was stuck on this roof in serious heat. I caught the attention of a pedestrian to come to my rescue. It was a little old lady. She gave me the finger and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54419

You deserved it

2590

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, I got my period during my dance solo. My costume was white. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5453

You deserved it

396

Favorite

By stupid - Ireland

Today, I walked to school in -5 degree weather, snow up to ankles, for an exam. The school had closed and warned all the parents, but mine didn't tell me, because it was "funnier". FML

I agree, your life sucks

40535

You deserved it

4591

Favorite

By Pepe - France

Today, my girlfriend said to me, "You know, you only have to wash 3 times a week to be clean." FML

I agree, your life sucks

33445

You deserved it

7794

Favorite

By disheshateme - United States

Today, it was my turn to do the suite's dishes. I was in the process of drying my roommate's coffee mug when the handle suddenly snapped off and the sharp edge left on the mug scraped down my arm. I now have a 3-inch long gash in my arm. I was attacked by a cheap coffee mug. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27588

You deserved it

3959

Favorite

By worstfatherever - United States

Today, I came home after having traveled abroad for the last two months. Before I left, I'd asked my dad to take care of my fish, and he promised they'd be safe with him. I found them all decomposing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33934

You deserved it

3663

Favorite

By ItGirl - Sweden - Eskilstuna

Today, my dad got so drunk that he forgot my name. He started calling me "It". FML

I agree, your life sucks

39420

You deserved it

3344

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Saint Paul

Today, my daughter told me that she wanted to convert to Christianity. Not because she has a strong relation with God, but because she wants to post Facebook statuses about Him and "get a lot of likes." FML

I agree, your life sucks

30179

You deserved it

3715

Favorite

By Anonymous - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, frustrated that my boyfriend never gives me any orgasms when we make love, I tried politely hinting that he needs to improve. To start with, I said maybe he should be more spontaneous in bed. He replied, "What, like putting it in your ass? Gotcha." Great. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54664

You deserved it

16459

Favorite

By LLP - 15/10/2020 17:01 - United States

Freudian slip

Today, I found out there's nothing like getting dumped and then receiving an inadvertent Snapchat sext from your ex-girlfriend that was intended for her new boyfriend, on what would have been your anniversary. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1374

You deserved it

112

Favorite

By chippuh - United States

Today, my family and I drove to a mall an hour away. We split up, and I went into a store by myself. A little later, I get a call from my brother asking me where I am. They had already left to go home and didn't notice me missing from the car. They were already halfway home. FML

I agree, your life sucks

60707

You deserved it

3100

Favorite

By notagain - 7/3/2020 09:01

Grindr danger

Today, while on Grindr, I met a guy who seemed really nice and we hit it off. After chatting for a bit, I received a message from his wife, telling me I'd better leave him alone. This isn't the first time that's happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1563

You deserved it

257

Favorite

By smidge - United States

Today, I got a call from an ad agency offering me a job. I was so excited, because I've been looking for work for a few months now and really wanted to work for them. An hour later, they called apologizing, because they'd made a mistake and offered the job to the wrong person. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54452

You deserved it

2617

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out everyone in my family thought the red toothbrush was theirs, and that all four of us have been using the same toothbrush for months. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40921

You deserved it

8435

Favorite

By BerkeleyBiker - United States

Today, while enjoying a nice dinner out, I observed a homeless man giggling hysterically to himself while wiping boogers on my bike seat and handlebars. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36272

You deserved it

3710

Favorite

By asdfas - United States

Today, I was at work and my mother texted me. The text read, "You take a nice picture." To which I responded, "what picture?" I then got a reply saying, "The one on your speeding ticket showing you going 73 in a 55 mph zone. You are even smiling." FML

I agree, your life sucks

10873

You deserved it

45935

Favorite

By Massasam - United States

Today, I was late for work. Trying to cut a few seconds off the clock, I tried to open my breakfast candy bar while taking a piss. I ended up pissing all over myself and dropping the bar in the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10734

You deserved it

41808

Favorite

By EmmaG123 - United States

Today, I sent my mom an email with "Bad news" for the subject. At the end of her reply, she said, "And don't scare me! I thought you were going to tell me you're pregnant!" I AM pregnant, and wanted to surprise her on her birthday. Guess I should get her something less disappointing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55892

You deserved it

5071

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to admit to everyone, including my cable guy, that I'm moving back in with my parents. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25649

You deserved it

9411

Favorite

By Nancy

Today, I sat on an elevator for 10 minutes thinking I was stuck. After waiting awhile I looked at the screen to see what floor I was stuck on, only to realize I hadn't pressed a button so I had just stayed on the ground floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9239

You deserved it

63769

Favorite

By - United States - Gualala

Today, while house sitting for my mother and stepfather, their elderly dog passed away. They live in such a remote location, the closest open vet office is a 2 hour drive, and the local one opens in 10 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2317

You deserved it

148

Favorite

By nekoneko - United States

Today, I found out my mom pretended to be me and had AIM conversations with my boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36893

You deserved it

3011

Favorite

By JulieClaire

Today, while driving home I saw a few deer running beside me. I stopped to let them go in front. Instead, one face-plants, ramming into the side of my brand new car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30074

You deserved it

4766

Favorite

By mrwilly - United States - Corona

Today, as usual, my boyfriend referred to his penis in the third person as "Mr. Willy". Even during sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33747

You deserved it

4867

Favorite

By fastfoodslave - United States - Northampton

Today, while working at McDonald's, a woman returned to the drive thru because her fries weren't hot enough. She was so angry about coming back that she threw her cold fries at me through the window and told me to "choke on them." FML

I agree, your life sucks

40700

You deserved it

6796

Favorite

By ohshit - Canada

Today, I was painting my bedroom walls, when I was struck with an uncontrollable bout of diarrhea. I had to watch helplessly from the en-suite bathroom as my 2 year old daughter painted a lovely picture for me, all over my new $500 sofa. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31228

You deserved it

8322

Favorite

By mymomsstupid - United States

Today, I woke up to the news that my mom's in jail. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45071

You deserved it

3729

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By neko_ceko | 3

#768958 - Monday 11 January 2010 23:11

Your parents are epic.

By Ninjaface | 0

#769187 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 0:54

I hope...
*puts on sunglasses*
That your crush didn't chicken out on you
YYYEEEAAAAAAHHHH!!!

COMMENTS

By nm22395 | 0

#768945 - Monday 11 January 2010 23:04

ouch hope ur date went well

mohomonopoly | 0

#769038 - Monday 11 January 2010 23:40

YDI because you live in Israel. Honetly, there's nothing else I need to say. Fricken greedy Israelis.

jandrews10 | 0

#769144 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 0:27

FAKE!

By kyasinjr | 0

#768957 - Monday 11 January 2010 23:11

stupid jew
palestanians are the shit!

McFail_fml | 4

#769016 - Monday 11 January 2010 23:33

Tell her on saturdays the whole family gets together and Crunk dance in the front yard naked if she doesnt join shes not worth it.

By neko_ceko | 3

#768958 - Monday 11 January 2010 23:11

Your parents are epic.

By alexandraa_fml | 0

#768961 - Monday 11 January 2010 23:12

Where am I?

nazooer | 11

#769006 - Monday 11 January 2010 23:30

You should be in the kitchen.

cornsnake | 0

#769188 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 0:55

making me a sandvich.

stephan18 | 23

#4901893 - Thursday 6 September 2012 6:29

Israel

By TROLLINshitUP | 0

#768965 - Monday 11 January 2010 23:14

First

By fmylifecomm | 0

#768977 - Monday 11 January 2010 23:18

this is obviously very fake

By waterynuggets | 0

#768978 - Monday 11 January 2010 23:18

I feel your pain, brother.

By perdix | 29

#768985 - Monday 11 January 2010 23:21

And your mom offered him some chicken breast and he puked.

By redbluegreen | 40

#768986 - Monday 11 January 2010 23:22

Sounds like my friends parents. His dad used to play frisbee outside in the snow with plates while half naked with his friends. You don't want to know what the mom did.

nfdlax9 | 0

#769153 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 0:30

i do

bigred200 | 8

#6474699 - Tuesday 1 December 2015 4:25

Same

By Intellectualist | 0

#768989 - Monday 11 January 2010 23:22

Fake? Seriously? Have you people never had drunk parents?...
You just couldn't make this shit up, nothing this funny can be made up. It's hilarious.