Love: Today, my crush of over a year came over for me to take her on...

By JK2010 - Israel

Today, my crush of over a year came over for me to take her on our first date. Today was also the day my drunk parents decided to dance the chicken dance in our front yard, naked. FML

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Love

Messed up

Season finale

No data for you

By American Idiot - United States - Duluth

Today, my husband picked a fight with me because I have more pictures of our child on my desk at work than I do of him. FML

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By Anonymous - Malta

Today, my parents were out so I invited my girlfriend over. It was the afternoon, and things started to heat up. We were having sex, and I was about to finish. Then I looked through the window, to see a construction worker (who was fixing the house next to mine) giving me a thumbs up. He's her dad. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to make up a story about my "friends" at school so my mom doesn't keep telling I'm a loser. FML

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34573

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By lovedbyallthewrongppl - United States

Today, I was teaching my two year old daughter how to take a person's temperature. While I was sitting down, she came up behind me and shoved the thermometer in my ear hard. Now I can't hear out of my right ear, and I'm in excruciating pain. FML

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31068

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By Anonymous

Today, I was driving my dad, who recently turned 50, to the store and had to listen to him go on and on that he’s having to accept that, as my siblings and I get older and are more independent, he’s having to transition from "sex god to just a dad." I don't know either. FML

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1956

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By Bibi

Today, I went to my little brother's high school to speak to his counselor about his grades. On my way to the office, the office manager threatened to write me up for ditching class and told me that high school is not like middle school, 9th grade will be different. I graduated 5 years ago. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my wife stopped halfway through a blowjob to check a notification on her phone for a game. FML

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2025

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By Lovenotes - United States

Today, my secret crush, who sits next to me in Bio, asked if he could borrow my notes. I agreed. It was only after he drove away, with my notebook, that I realized that in the back of my notes, I had written his name 100 times, surrounded by little hearts. FML

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By stop thief - United States - Aurora

Today, someone stole my laptop from my car. However, they were nice enough to relock the doors after they smashed in the window. FML

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43952

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By Syrinth - Canada

Today, I got a call from my grandmother saying she locked her keys in the car and I needed to bring her the spares. After an hour bus ride, involving me missing my stop and getting temporarily lost, I arrived and handed her the keys. I brought the wrong ones. FML

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By Justme - United States - Missoula

Today, while I was riding the bus to work, I noticed the guy sitting across from me had shorts on. He also had no underwear on and I could fully see his "parts" just hanging there. I decided to switch seats but as I stood up to move, the bus jerked. I fell face forward right into his "parts". FML

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By Tori Pearson - Canada

Today, I went camping. My tent is flooded, a raccoon ate all my food, I lost the anchor to my boat which as a result is now across the lake. Three more days. FML

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33637

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By neverbeenkissed - United States

Today, I was helping my friend with her little sister's birthday party. We were playing a game where you get up and switch seats if you've done a certain thing. One girl said to switch if you've kissed a boy. I watched as 18 12-year-olds switched seats with each other. I stayed sitting. I'm 17. FML

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54018

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By Titanic - France

Today, the girl I've been hitting on for months on MSN and that I'm about to meet told me "I know you are in love, and you know I'm not". Erm, no, I didn't know. FML

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24904

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By Jaime - United States - New York

Today, I went on a first date with a guy I met online. Not only was he boring, he twice excused himself to go to the bathroom and both times he came back smelling of weed. FML

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44247

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, on my first day of a new factory job, I discovered that my new boss had lied to me about my hours. I found this out when my coworkers burst out laughing when I mentioned having the weekends off, and talking about my recreational plans. FML

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By doggie_doo_face - United States

Snow day

Today, my dog accidentally crapped on her leash. When I flicked the leash to get the poo off, it went flying. Have you ever had warm poo hit you in the face on a cold day when there's 6 inches of snow on the ground? I have. FML

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27011

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By bluewinter - United Kingdom

Today, I went to my best friend's birthday party. After about 15 minutes, I noticed a girl, possibly one of his sister's friends, wearing the same shirt as me. I am a 23 year old bloke. She didn't look a day over 14. FML

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By GingerJ - United Kingdom

Today, I told my parents that I wanted to donate blood. My dad helpfully interjected, "Sorry, they don't accept blood from gingers." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I'm babysitting three children under the age of seven. They have no discipline, don't listen, scream all the time, won't nap, terrorize my dog, and have peed their pants a collective 5 times today. I am not getting paid for this. Their mother has no plans to come get them any time soon. FML

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40584

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I had to ask my mum not to meditate while driving. FML

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24537

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By itsjustwill - United States - Puyallup

Today, our company's owner's son took over. The first thing he did? Fire me. Why? He said my sales are down. I work in Public Relations. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, was the third day of my camping trip with my "friends". I woke up in my boxers with my hand glued to my forehead. FML

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By ReptillianFreeloader - Australia - North Lakes

Australia? Australia.

Today, I had to chase off the Eastern Brown snake that's been hanging around. When it doubled back, I fell over trying to move out of its way and landed in a bush that contained 3 separate wasp nests. My body feels like it is on fire and the snake is now in my chook shed, refusing to leave. FML

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7125

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By Jersey girl - United States - Miami

Today, I requested to have the next Sunday off of my job in retail. Not only did my boss say that we're not allowed to ask for weekends off anymore, but I also have to work on another weekend that I requested off. I guess I'm not going to my sister's wedding. FML

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9470

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By heycutie - United States - Grand Rapids

Today, while I was waiting for the bus, I was whistling. I saw a cute girl running and I looked at my phone so it didn't seem too awkward. I was still whistling as she passed by so it sounded like I whistled at her. She ran back to slap me. FML

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42873

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By I shaved my legs for this

Today, I prepared for my first date in two years. I shaved my legs, did my hair and nails, painted my face, found the perfect outfit, then waited for hours for a man who never came. FML

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4147

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By bellerz14 - United States

Today, I saw my dad sitting in the car alone, blaring classical music, blowing up beach balls. FML

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25924

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Strange noise

Today, I was awoken at 1:30am by a strange noise, and something tugging on my hair. I opened my eyes, to find a very large rat sitting on my pillow, chewing my hair. FML

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2685

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By pirsquared - United States

Today, I had to Google how to find the area of a circle. I'm working on my PhD in engineering. FML

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11827

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By armywife980

Today, after teaching my 4 year old son about the concept of "Stranger Danger," we had gone to a park full of people. When I walked up to him to tell him we had to leave, he ran, screaming "Stranger! Don't touch me!" FML

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By Anonymous - 31/8/2020 04:01 - United Kingdom - Leicester

Unaware ableist

Today, I sat outside for a half hour hysterically laughing at this kid next door for constantly mooing like a cow. My mum came out to inform me the kid is severely disabled. I even mooed back at one stage. FML

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630

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By skeletor - United States

Today, my group of friends, my girlfriend, and I were playing 'never have I ever.' My girlfriend's turn came up and she went with, 'Never have I ever had an orgasm.' FML

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By Nublet - United States

Today, I gave my boyfriend a blowjob. It gave him a panic attack. FML

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35875

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By reality_stricken - Guam

Today, I told my boyfriend I was afraid he would no longer love me when he returned from basic training. Hoping he would reassure me his feelings wouldn't change and we'd still be together, he replied instead, "Shit happens." FML

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36352

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By Anonymous - United States - Hernando

Today, I was texting my girlfriend and asked her for a picture, expecting something provocative. She sent me a picture of her holding a positive pregnancy test. We had sex once. FML

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17984

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By jenA - United States - Russellville

Today, I realized the fastest way to wake up isn't from an alarm clock. It's from the warm, wet sensation of your old and senile cat peeing on you and your bed. I swear he was smiling. FML

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26775

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By mags - United States

Today, I told my dad I was leaving to get some beauty sleep. He looked at me laughing and said "See you in a decade." FML

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By Mortified - United States

Today, I attended my girlfriend's mother's wake. When I walked up the three-step platform the casket was on, I tripped, fell over the edge of the casket, and head-butted her mother's corpse. The adhesive holding one of her eyes came undone. FML

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By Rash - United States

Today, I got kicked in the crotch by a horse in my backyard. I don't own a horse. FML

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Top comments

By neko_ceko | 3

#768958 - Monday 11 January 2010 23:11

Your parents are epic.

By Ninjaface | 0

#769187 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 0:54

I hope...
*puts on sunglasses*
That your crush didn't chicken out on you
YYYEEEAAAAAAHHHH!!!

COMMENTS

By nm22395 | 0

#768945 - Monday 11 January 2010 23:04

ouch hope ur date went well

mohomonopoly | 0

#769038 - Monday 11 January 2010 23:40

YDI because you live in Israel. Honetly, there's nothing else I need to say. Fricken greedy Israelis.

jandrews10 | 0

#769144 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 0:27

FAKE!

By kyasinjr | 0

#768957 - Monday 11 January 2010 23:11

stupid jew
palestanians are the shit!

McFail_fml | 4

#769016 - Monday 11 January 2010 23:33

Tell her on saturdays the whole family gets together and Crunk dance in the front yard naked if she doesnt join shes not worth it.

By neko_ceko | 3

#768958 - Monday 11 January 2010 23:11

Your parents are epic.

By alexandraa_fml | 0

#768961 - Monday 11 January 2010 23:12

Where am I?

nazooer | 11

#769006 - Monday 11 January 2010 23:30

You should be in the kitchen.

cornsnake | 0

#769188 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 0:55

making me a sandvich.

stephan18 | 23

#4901893 - Thursday 6 September 2012 6:29

Israel

By TROLLINshitUP | 0

#768965 - Monday 11 January 2010 23:14

First

By fmylifecomm | 0

#768977 - Monday 11 January 2010 23:18

this is obviously very fake

By waterynuggets | 0

#768978 - Monday 11 January 2010 23:18

I feel your pain, brother.

By perdix | 29

#768985 - Monday 11 January 2010 23:21

And your mom offered him some chicken breast and he puked.

By redbluegreen | 40

#768986 - Monday 11 January 2010 23:22

Sounds like my friends parents. His dad used to play frisbee outside in the snow with plates while half naked with his friends. You don't want to know what the mom did.

nfdlax9 | 0

#769153 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 0:30

i do

bigred200 | 8

#6474699 - Tuesday 1 December 2015 4:25

Same

By Intellectualist | 0

#768989 - Monday 11 January 2010 23:22

Fake? Seriously? Have you people never had drunk parents?...
You just couldn't make this shit up, nothing this funny can be made up. It's hilarious.