Today, my crush of over a year came over for me to take her on...

By JK2010 - 11/1/2010 18:12 - Israel

Today, my crush of over a year came over for me to take her on our first date. Today was also the day my drunk parents decided to dance the chicken dance in our front yard, naked. FML

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Love

Social distancing gone wrong

Doomed

Boom, headshot

By Anonymous - 31/5/2009 13:04 - United States

Today, I asked out one of the girls that hangs out in my group of friends (the same group I have been hanging out for three years). She stared at me for a couple of seconds then said " who the hell are you?" FML

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By Joseph N - 19/6/2012 16:08 - United States

Today, a police officer came to talk to the kids at my workplace. He asked what they wanted to hear about first. A group of them shouted, "The donuts, tells us about the donuts." Apparently these idiots are the future of my country. FML

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By scarlet5000 - 26/9/2009 06:32 - United States

Today, there was a traffic accident on the highway which I normally take. I couldn't resist laughing at the driver since he was stupid enough to rear-end someone on the highway. What I didn't realize is that I forgot to pay attention to the road and rear-ended the car in front of me. FML

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By stifledbyyou - 12/12/2010 00:06 - United States

Today, while I was working at McDonald's, a man and his wife ordered a Sundae. I gave the guy his sundae and realized I'd forgotten something. I said, "One second sir. Let me grab your nuts." I realized what I said when his wife gave me the death glare. FML

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By kyle - 5/6/2011 07:00 - United States

Today, my friend pushed me into the swimming pool. Unfortunately, we were eight feet away from the actual pool, so I face-planted and rolled in. FML

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By Heretique - 9/2/2011 09:30 - Norway

Today, we had to evaluate each other in class. Apparently I'm a quarrelsome, uncommitted, commanding bitch. FML

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By kill me - 30/9/2018 03:00

Today, my dad overheard me and my girlfriend having a very personal conversation. His response was to burst into the room and ground me for a month for failing to get her to orgasm the last 3 times we had sex. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/4/2015 04:04 - United States - Baltimore

Today, I visited my girlfriend's apartment for the first time. I guess she forgot to do some spring cleaning before I showed up, because I saw my laptop on her couch. The same laptop that was stolen from my house along with several other valuables last week. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/5/2012 22:20 - United Arab Emirates - Dubai

Today, my mother described what her ideal daughter-in-law should be like. Half-way through her description, fishing for some compliments, I told her that such a girl would be way above my league. She sighed and emphatically agreed. FML

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By JTBastry - 30/4/2018 19:00

Today, after graduating from culinary school, I was turned down by Chipotle, Jersey Mike's, and McDonald's entry-level jobs because I didn't have enough experience. FML

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By Badam - 30/3/2013 01:29 - France - Geaune

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She didn't say no, she didn't faint, and she didn't cry. She just stared at me blankly and said, "But... why...?" FML

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By Anonymous - 28/6/2015 05:13 - United States - Corona

Today, after my daughter told half her class about my retainer, I advised her to keep mummy's personal details personal. Now she responds, "I'm not supposed to tell" to any question regarding our home life. Thus far, I've received six very concerned calls. FML

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By Mybrotherissatan - 10/3/2016 15:59 - United States - Arrington

Today, I found out why people in my new neighborhood keep giving me weird looks. For a laugh, my brother had gone around telling them I'm a parolee, and implying that I couldn't be trusted around their children. FML

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By Mishlette - 23/1/2015 13:27 - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, I started at my new job. Turns out my boss is a complete douchebag. He spent most of the day looking over our shoulders and making cuntish comments about our work, then called a guy a piece of shit for farting and forced him to spray disinfectant on his chair. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/7/2012 08:57 - United Kingdom - Peterborough

Today, I was convinced I hadn't locked up properly when leaving work, and almost had a panic attack at the train station. I went all the way back into work, to find I had in fact locked up properly. It made me nearly two hours late home. This isn't the first time I've done this. FML

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By Evra - 16/4/2015 05:04 - United States

Today, my husband came too soon during sex. He then tried to pretend it didn't happen and continued. He humped me with a half-erect noodle for about seven minutes before I finally called him out. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/10/2019 16:00

Thievery Ltd.

Today, I saw a neglected potted palm tree on the front porch of what I thought was an empty house down the street from me. I took it home to nurse it back to health. When I got home from work, it was gone. Later, when taking a walk, I spotted the palm, right back on the porch I'd taken it from. FML

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By Benji - 13/10/2008 08:32

Today, my 63-year-old neighbor jumped out of his window. I was the first to find him, alive, naked and stuck in a bush. I guess I shouldn't have laughed at him while waiting for the ambulance, because he was my landlord. FML

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By ChubbyAmerican - 22/5/2010 23:24 - United States

Today, my very handsome, fit, Russian boyfriend tried to make me feel better about being a little overweight by telling me, "It's okay, you're American, everyone expects you to be fat." FML

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By Anonymous - 20/10/2018 22:00

Today, I was feeling a bit randy, so when my boyfriend got home, I jumped on him and gave him a proper deep-tongue kiss. I noticed he tasted a bit weird, so I asked him when he last brushed his teeth. His answer: the day we had dinner with his mother. That was 2 weeks ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/7/2009 08:05 - Poland

Today, I was at the Polish border when I found my passport was gone. I contacted the last place I stayed at and the owner said he would handle it. I reluctantly agreed as I was being charged international rates. Apparently, "taking care of it" means telling the embassy I'm retarded. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/8/2019 02:00 - United States - Bisbee

Today, I grabbed a box of my favorite granola bars, the only flavor the brand makes without nuts, which I'm severely allergic to. A visit to the ER after my throat closed up told me that I'd missed the notice on the shelf, warning that they're now making them with peanuts. FML

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By j_portal - 26/10/2014 03:47 - United States - Carlstadt

Today, as I was laying in bed in my dark room, with only my phone's light on, a huge moth flew around it and directly into my open mouth. FML

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By supersplatoon - 8/9/2015 23:03 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was walking down the street when someone started yelling at me, saying I was dead. I bolted, ran into a pole and when they caught up to me, said "Oh, wrong person." and walked off, leaving me bruised on the ground. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/9/2010 19:04 - United Kingdom

Today, I put an anonymous note under my neighbour's door asking them to not have sex so loudly during the day. Since then, I haven't heard any sex. Unfortunately, I have heard a woman crying loudly because she just found out about her husband's affair. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/5/2013 15:16 - United States

Today, my ex-boyfriend called my parents to let them know I broke up with him. He was sobbing. FML

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By Ropebunnbon - 15/8/2018 13:00

Today, after leaving for the city inspector to make sure everything was up to code, my husband and I remembered that we'd forgotten to take down the rope bondage setup and equipment in the closet. We came home to paperwork on the kitchen counter and the closet door open. FML

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By TearfulDaughter - 19/1/2011 17:45 - United States

Today, I planned on introducing my fiancé to my parents. After the introductions, and telling him how I hoped our relationship would have the same amount of love and commitment that has lasted my mother and father for 25 years, my parents awkwardly announced their imminent divorce. FML

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By sel2207 - 6/1/2009 03:27 - France

Today, I lent my brand new earrings to one of my friends. Everyone told her that they are pretty, and look really great on her. I've been wearing them for the last 3 weeks, and no one has ever mentioned them. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/10/2010 16:24 - United States

Today, I found out that my 43 year old wife has been having a cyber relationship with a 14 year old kid on Halo. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/4/2014 21:51 - United States

Today, the only thing I got for my birthday was my boyfriend's offer to give me "the gift of anal". FML

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By Anonymous - 2/7/2009 18:10 - United States

Today, was my first day working for a real estate company. just as I sat in my car my pants ripped hugely from my crotch all the way to the top of my pants and three inches wide. I was wearing a thong and we were on our way to show him an open house. FML

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By nomwar - 17/6/2013 13:55 - United States

Today, I went to a new bar with friends. After arriving I became extremely gassy; I planned a smooth release during the loud music. Little did I know the bar occasionally dips its music to hear the guests singing. When the music turned off all eyes turned to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/11/2009 22:14 - United States

Today, I finally finished my art project which was worth 50% of my quarterly grade. I came in 1st period to give it to her. When she turned to look at it, her elbow hit her coffee and spilled it all over the canvas. I got 60%. She said I would have had a 100%, except for the giant coffee stain. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/8/2019 14:00 - Canada

Today, my brother spent the whole day making a harpoon out of an old Tiki torch to bring on vacation with us to Sauble Beach, and he plans on using this contraption. On the beach. With all of us there to watch. He's 17 years-old. FML

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By what did i marry - 25/5/2018 12:00 - United States - Memphis

Today, I had to explain to my husband that the Earth is not flat. He didn’t believe me. FML

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By Failure - 22/5/2015 22:14 - Germany - Oschersleben

Today, my aunt, whom I live with, told me she is going to move out and demanded her half of the rent back, as she only spent two days a week there. When I told her that's not how rent works, she called my mom to tell her what a failure she had raised. Her own sons are unemployed drug addicts. FML

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By RIP - 15/7/2012 05:02 - United States

Today, my mom came over to me and whispered something in my ear. I didn't hear it and assumed it was a joke, so I started laughing. Turns out my aunt died. FML

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By menstruation nation - 11/8/2020 05:01

Freak out

Today, my boyfriend flipped out when he saw a period tracker app on my phone. According to him, chicks only use those when they want to know when they’re the most fertile so they can “baby trap” a man. I have irregular cycles. The app helps me know when I should or shouldn’t expect a period. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/9/2014 03:16 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my girlfriend went shopping at Victoria's Secret with me. While she was in the fitting room, her parents walked by and saw me. They don't approve of the store, so I panicked and told them I was considering becoming a woman. FML

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Top comments

By neko_ceko | 3

#768958 - Monday 11 January 2010 23:11

Your parents are epic.

By Ninjaface | 0

#769187 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 0:54

I hope...
*puts on sunglasses*
That your crush didn't chicken out on you
YYYEEEAAAAAAHHHH!!!

COMMENTS

By nm22395 | 0

#768945 - Monday 11 January 2010 23:04

ouch hope ur date went well

mohomonopoly | 0

#769038 - Monday 11 January 2010 23:40

YDI because you live in Israel. Honetly, there's nothing else I need to say. Fricken greedy Israelis.

jandrews10 | 0

#769144 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 0:27

FAKE!

By kyasinjr | 0

#768957 - Monday 11 January 2010 23:11

stupid jew
palestanians are the shit!

McFail_fml | 4

#769016 - Monday 11 January 2010 23:33

Tell her on saturdays the whole family gets together and Crunk dance in the front yard naked if she doesnt join shes not worth it.

By neko_ceko | 3

#768958 - Monday 11 January 2010 23:11

Your parents are epic.

By alexandraa_fml | 0

#768961 - Monday 11 January 2010 23:12

Where am I?

nazooer | 11

#769006 - Monday 11 January 2010 23:30

You should be in the kitchen.

cornsnake | 0

#769188 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 0:55

making me a sandvich.

stephan18 | 23

#4901893 - Thursday 6 September 2012 6:29

Israel

By TROLLINshitUP | 0

#768965 - Monday 11 January 2010 23:14

First

By fmylifecomm | 0

#768977 - Monday 11 January 2010 23:18

this is obviously very fake

By waterynuggets | 0

#768978 - Monday 11 January 2010 23:18

I feel your pain, brother.

By perdix | 29

#768985 - Monday 11 January 2010 23:21

And your mom offered him some chicken breast and he puked.

By redbluegreen | 40

#768986 - Monday 11 January 2010 23:22

Sounds like my friends parents. His dad used to play frisbee outside in the snow with plates while half naked with his friends. You don't want to know what the mom did.

nfdlax9 | 0

#769153 - Tuesday 12 January 2010 0:30

i do

bigred200 | 8

#6474699 - Tuesday 1 December 2015 4:25

Same

By Intellectualist | 0

#768989 - Monday 11 January 2010 23:22

Fake? Seriously? Have you people never had drunk parents?...
You just couldn't make this shit up, nothing this funny can be made up. It's hilarious.