Miscellaneous: Today, my brother told the family that if you pull on the dog's...

By lala7 - United States

Today, my brother told the family that if you pull on the dog's back foot then she always obeys. I later found my mom tugging on the dog's foot whispering "jump off a cliff" repeatedly. FML

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Miscellaneous

Family values

Better out than in

Targeted

By Ella - Australia

Today, I tried to talk to my boyfriend about our communication problems. He fell asleep. FML

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By ...... - United States

Today, I was in the hospital with rib injuries after being rear-ended by a truck. The doc said, "Well, you'll probably feel like you've been hit by a truck for a while." Everyone laughed, except me. When I said he was being insensitive, he replied, "Calm down, I'm just ribbing you." FML

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By Marleck - United States

Today, the girl I love told me she was sick of guys. I replied that I happened to be a guy. She laughed and said "No, I mean the boyfriend type!" FML

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By lamelifeguard - United States - Morrison

Today, someone at my workplace yelled at me and filed a complaint for staring at them too often. I'm a lifeguard. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while at family dinner, my boyfriend got drunk and told my entire family the things I do in bed. FML

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By Anonymous

Breaking news

Today, my stepfather woke me up at two in the morning just to tell me he bought a sandwich. FML

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By nonfreehugs - United States - Seattle

Today, a classmate came up to me, quickly shoved a dollar bill down my shirt, threw her arms around me and told me to pretend I was her boyfriend to avoid some other guy. Sad thing is, this is the first girl I've hugged in ages. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I came home to find my dad drinking. Trying to be cheerful, I greeted him with a "Hi, dad!" He sighed, shook his head, and said "It hurts me when you call me that." FML

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By pencilskirt

Today, at school, one of my students confidently told me that I "wasn't hiding my baby bump very well anymore." I'm not pregnant. Just fat, apparently. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I texted a girl who I had hooked up with the night before to see if she wanted to hang out again. She responded, "I think we should keep it the way it was, before last night." I just met her last night. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was walking home from work going over a railway-bridge, when a 12 year old boy standing at the bottom asks if I could help him carry his bike up, as he couldn't lift it. I did it for him, and was greeted on the other side by his father - who thought I was stealing it and hit me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

ACAB

Today, I got pulled over by a cop and got slammed with a ticket for expired tabs on my motorcycle. The DMV was literally across the street. I was heading there to get new tabs. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Great Malvern

Today, I watched my brother attempt to cook some eggs without turning the gas on. FML

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By Harry - United States

Today, my dad decided to get his friend to help move our old sofas to save money. Its leg got stuck in the doorway, scratched the entire hallway wall, punched a big hole in it and the other leg made a big dent in our front door. We live in an apartment complex and now have to to pay for everything to be fixed. FML

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By OhNo - United States - Castlewood

Today, despite the fact of being together two years, and having a daughter, my fiancée still refuses to tell her parents about us. We're getting married in six months. FML

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By SerenityJ - United States - Mountain View

Today, while sitting in a crowded waiting room at the doctor's office, my 5-year-old daughter pointed at my 6-year-old son's crotch and boomed, "MOM, WHY DOES ANDY HAVE A FINGER DOWN THERE?" to which he yelled, "IT'S CALLED A COCK!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Wentzville

Today, I was pulled over by a police officer because he thought I was skipping school. I'm 24 and we graduated high school together. FML

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By damngotkik

Today, my friend thought it would be funny to use an electric sander on my arm during our construction class. FML

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By Bailey - Canada

Today, my four year old daughter came up to me with her finger in her ear. She then let me know that her earwax tasted better than the dinner I made. In front of my whole family. FML

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By NightHawk4926 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I was at the park when I saw a homeless man. I gave him my sandwich, since he needed it more than me. Seconds later, he was attacked by a flock of birds. FML

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By estranger - United States

Today, while visiting my grandparents, my grandpa decided to explain to me the real reason that the old sofa I was sitting on had always been so discolored. He says they were bleach stains left while cleaning up the mess made during my father's conception. FML

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By jester777 - United States

Today, I sneaked into my girlfriend's house for some romantic time. Before going into her room, I took a dump in the bathroom. Once I was done, I not only noticed that there was no toilet paper left, but I heard her and her 6'5, heavyweight boxer, ex-marine father, talking outside the bathroom door. FML

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By oldtexas - United States

Today, I bought a freezer mug that looks like it's full of water. I've been playing tricks on my friends by throwing the empty cup at them. After doing this a few dozen times, my 83 year-old mother came to visit. I played the same trick on her. The joke's on me. My Dad filled the cup. FML

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By BrokebyKids - United States

Today, my daughter asked for a dollar to buy ice cream from the ice cream truck while I was on my computer working. Out of my wallet she took a fifty dollar bill. The ice cream man got a big tip before driving off. FML

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By Jane - Canada - Niagara Falls

Today, I confronted my 18-year-old daughter about her excessively lengthy showers. She said she didn't see the big deal, considering the water "comes free with the house." No dear, it doesn't. FML

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By mwja - France

Today, thanks to a particularly spicy bowl of noodles, my nose decided it would rather be a fountain. A fountain of blood. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/11/2020 05:02

The movie of my life

Today, I learnt my boyfriend has just been using me for character development for the last 5 years. FML

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By bittersweet - United States

Today, I texted my boyfriend saying "Hi." His response: "I got your best friend pregnant". FML

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By Whatever01 - United States

Today, I called off work saying my Great Grandmother died. A co-worker texted me later asking where and when the funeral was. I made up a lie and said some random funeral home and date. My co-workers sent flowers to the funeral home for condolences. The flowers were returned. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cuyahoga Falls

Today, I downloaded a movie for my mom that she really likes, "When Harry Met Sally". When she loaded the file, we soon found out it was actually some kind of obscure porno billed as "When Harry Wet Sally". FML

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By aineroo - Ireland - Galway

Today, I managed to convince my sister that when you press down the diet button on the lid of a McDonald's cup it turns whatever is in there diet. I pressed the button and she started shouting how she hates diet drinks. She's 19. FML

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By EliseV - United States - Chino Hills

Today, I lost my virginity. In the middle of it, he just gave up and said he wasn't in the mood anymore. Then I had to listen about his past failed relationships for over an hour. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I got into my car and realised that my CDs were no longer in my glove box. According to the police, the random key code for my car type has been cracked, and thieves can now let themselves in whenever they want. The manufacturer says they can't do anything about it. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Charlottetown

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend and sister fooling around in the shower together. Supposedly, she was sleepwalking, and he was trying to wake her up. FML

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By drugdealersgf

Today, my boyfriend told me, with complete confidence, that he's selected "drug dealer" as his career of choice. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/6/2020 08:08

Vicious

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend of 5 years after finally realizing I'm a lesbian. He then outed me to my very religious and conservative family. FML

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By bronieswillrule5eva - Canada - Summerside

Today, I overheard my boss and a co-worker talking about me. Apparently when I speak, I slur my words so badly that it sounds like I'm speaking in tongues. According to my boss, "he could be possessed by a demon right now, and we'd never even notice." FML

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By Mom - United States

Today, I found out all about my son's secret online double life. He's been moonlighting for two years as a male prostitute by the name of Peter Parker. FML

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By amie - Canada

Today, my mom said that we needed to have a family meeting because of all the issues that have been going on with our family. My mom, sister and I sat down and began to talk about everything. As I started to cry my sister looks at my mom and says "I win!". She bet my mom $20 that I would cry. FML

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By Anonymous

Not a girl, not yet a woman

Today, I got a very accusatory phone call from my daughter's teacher. According to my daughter, I absolutely refuse to let her eat in the morning. In reality, I told her it’s her responsibility to get herself up and get breakfast on her own before we leave. My daughter is 17 years old. FML

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Top comments

By iAmScrubs | 19

#3151351 - Sunday 21 August 2011 9:19

If the dog is wearing a parachute, then it could be magical. A dog gliding off a cliff slowly without a care in the world.

By Jacobt24 | 19

#3151353 - Sunday 21 August 2011 9:19

I suggest watching your dog very carefully from now on

COMMENTS

By StoryOfTheYear | 13

#3151346 - Sunday 21 August 2011 9:19

Now that's not your bitch ._.

StoryOfTheYear | 13

#3151395 - Sunday 21 August 2011 9:23

1- Wtf, that doesn't even make any sense.

SunnyUserName123 | 5

#3151406 - Sunday 21 August 2011 9:26

wtf -.-

By iAmScrubs | 19

#3151351 - Sunday 21 August 2011 9:19

If the dog is wearing a parachute, then it could be magical. A dog gliding off a cliff slowly without a care in the world.

StoryOfTheYear | 13

#3151468 - Sunday 21 August 2011 9:36

Until it hits the ground :(

fabian21 | 0

#3151506 - Sunday 21 August 2011 9:41

It'd probably fart a rainbow and turn into a poptart. What a life!

PutItIn | 8

#3151548 - Sunday 21 August 2011 9:49

That's when you say, "He was talking about you, mom."

TheFakeFamilyGuy | 9

#3151603 - Sunday 21 August 2011 10:05

Was she also debating how to kill your dog and make it look like a accident a few days ago?

NeonBlack | 0

#3151687 - Sunday 21 August 2011 10:42

26- they already have that in cat form. It's called Nyan.

ariannaimelda | 7

#3151857 - Sunday 21 August 2011 12:07

What's up with the recent FMLs about parents trying to kill their pets/wanting them to die? There's a thing called adoption you don't have to kill the poor thing.

DoubleEdgedBlade | 4

#3152775 - Sunday 21 August 2011 14:12

37 - They have it in TacoDog form.

ScaughtieHolden | 11

#3152821 - Sunday 21 August 2011 14:28

Dog wouldn't give a shit, and 24 he has a parachute dumbass

dre_bro11 | 12

#3153021 - Sunday 21 August 2011 15:34

Well OP, expect to see your dog in a pound one year from now, despite you mum saying it died...

seanders | 10

#3153138 - Sunday 21 August 2011 16:11

I just tried yanking my GFs foot saying "get me a beer.". Didn't work:(

ChibiChibi_fml | 27

#3153573 - Sunday 21 August 2011 18:06

How is a dog going to know how and when to operate a parachute?

faithxoxox | 1

#3153588 - Sunday 21 August 2011 18:10

Look at you. Soaring majestically through the air, like an eagle... Piloting a blimp.

turkishjew | 0

#3153837 - Sunday 21 August 2011 19:52

Did she

DalekScythe | 0

#3156145 - Monday 22 August 2011 3:54

grab your mom by the leg and whisper "go do the same"

niebauer | 9

#3759396 - Tuesday 20 December 2011 6:12

@ 74Portal reference ftw

The_Nuke | 31

#5584357 - Wednesday 17 July 2013 6:32

Tug on your mothers' foot and say, "stop being a bitch" repeatedly and see how she likes it

By Jacobt24 | 19

#3151353 - Sunday 21 August 2011 9:19

I suggest watching your dog very carefully from now on

asianpandabear | 0

#3151388 - Sunday 21 August 2011 9:22

I'd suggest watching your mom, OP.

Jacobt24 | 19

#3151390 - Sunday 21 August 2011 9:23

Or otherwise your dog will have a ruff time

iAmScrubs | 19

#3151454 - Sunday 21 August 2011 9:33

@9: That was a pretty dog-gone good pun.

MonieeKay | 9

#3153751 - Sunday 21 August 2011 19:29

@9 and @22, You guys have marked new territory for awoofuly funny puns.

By sassypants93 | 17

#3151374 - Sunday 21 August 2011 9:21

You might want to watch those cliffs near you for a while...

By flockz | 19

#3151384 - Sunday 21 August 2011 9:22

(tugs foot) "slap an bark at mommy."

deathmetalkill | 3

#3151503 - Sunday 21 August 2011 9:41

I'm guessing it probably involved peanut butter.

xlord | 27

#3151634 - Sunday 21 August 2011 10:21

Playing fetch with the peanut butter?

tedjordan21 | 3

#3151704 - Sunday 21 August 2011 10:49

Yall know how to message on this app? I cant find out how

Naked_Communist | 0

#3153117 - Sunday 21 August 2011 16:03

Ha. Let me guess, you'd like to message pretty Emmie up there?

eeppiicc | 8

#3153352 - Sunday 21 August 2011 17:07

63, how'd u know?? Lol

Amrel | 10

#3153571 - Sunday 21 August 2011 18:05

I think the brother meant the dogs "middle leg"

By emmiep1011 | 7

#3151385 - Sunday 21 August 2011 9:22

what was your brother doing to your dog when he figured this out?

flockz | 19

#3151412 - Sunday 21 August 2011 9:26

wow no idea what i just typed...

meant to say "slap mommy then bark at her"
well i fail woo.

oops_im_fucked | 8

#3151657 - Sunday 21 August 2011 10:30

Third times the charm.... What? It's 2nd now?

Sydnayy | 4

#3152841 - Sunday 21 August 2011 14:35

Dogs don't have hands to slap people with.

By LemonBlue | 0

#3151397 - Sunday 21 August 2011 9:23

Tug your mom's foot and say 'go jump off a cliff'.

Jacobt24 | 19

#3151409 - Sunday 21 August 2011 9:26

Or tug mom's foot and say, "make me a sandwich"

BelleBelle_fml | 11

#3151706 - Sunday 21 August 2011 10:49

#13- Although I do not take offence to those 'women belong in the kitchen' or 'Women are only good for makin' sammiches' jokes, they are getting pretty old.