Today, my brother told the family that if you pull on the dog's...

By lala7 - 20/8/2011 23:02 - United States

Today, my brother told the family that if you pull on the dog's back foot then she always obeys. I later found my mom tugging on the dog's foot whispering "jump off a cliff" repeatedly. FML

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Miscellaneous

Messed up

Social distancing gone wrong

Like riding a bike

By Anonymous - 2/9/2015 13:29 - United Kingdom

Today, I was diagnosed with depression. My girlfriend's idea of consoling me was to break up with me because she can't date a "psycho". FML

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By JohnBlack - 12/6/2012 03:56 - United States

Today, I was told off for not holding the door open for a woman behind me at work. Yesterday I was informed that chivalry is offensive to women, as it implies that they are not equal to men. I can't win. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/1/2018 19:00

Today, I fell asleep on the couch and my boyfriend thought it would be cute to carry me to bed. He knocked my head on the door frame and I pretended it didn't hurt because he felt so bad, but I shouldn't have. I was rushed to the hospital hours later with a concussion. FML

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By f-ugly - 25/3/2013 18:36 - United States

Today, I was freshening up my makeup in the car before a date. An old lady walked by and said through my open window, "Don't bother. There's no helping you, honey." FML

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By heheheh - 22/8/2011 06:43 - Canada

Today, I burned my tongue. With a flat iron. FML

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By iusedprotectionanyway - 21/3/2014 21:44 - New Zealand - Waitakere

Today, I went to a paintball match with my family and the family of my brother's girlfriend. A few minutes into, my brother's girlfriend's dad snuck up on me, unloaded into me from behind, and snarled, "That's for knocking my daughter up." He got the wrong guy. My back is killing me. FML

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By mississippi123 - 6/8/2012 05:41 - United States - Fullerton

Today, I discovered how pathetically introverted I am when during a car ride with my family, I said, "I really like this song" and my parents gasped because they didn't realize I was in the back seat. And I'm their only child. FML

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By - 31/1/2020 18:00

Selfish

Today, I found out that the reason I hadn't gotten pregnant yet was because my husband had a vasectomy after the birth of his son. He even had the nerve to continously tell me, "it'll happen soon, baby" and let me believe we were trying. FML

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By agnosticstudy - 28/1/2009 21:53 - United States

Today, all three of my meals consisted of 2 hot pockets. FML

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By WayTooMuchFacebook - 4/2/2012 05:07 - United States

Today, I read some funny scribblings on a wall in the bathroom stall. My first instinct was to "Like" it. FML

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By GK - 8/5/2009 11:20 - Australia

Today, in my class I was nominated for the guy with the worst hairdo. I don't know what is worse, the fact that I was nominated or the fact that I felt let down when I did not win. FML

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By ailat0107 - 31/5/2009 16:46 - United States

Today, two of my girlfriends and I went to a bar. The only action any of us got was a 50 year old man who came up and handed us "An origami vagina for the pretty ladies." FML

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By Anonymous - 4/8/2019 22:00

Today, my girlfriend threw boiling water at me to get me off my phone. It worked, but now I'm burned. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/11/2010 03:08 - United States

Today, I won employee of the month. I was then fired for being late. FML

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By Bailey - 22/8/2010 06:58 - United States

Today, I was in a public restroom with my 4 year old daughter. I took her in the stall with me, and as I was using the restroom she looked down and loudly asked, "Mommy! Why do you have a beard on your peepee?!!" Then I heard everybody in the stalls next to us laughing. FML

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By still sore - 12/10/2019 19:00

Relax!

Today, after months of asking my massage therapist boyfriend to work on me, and him always saying he’s too tired to do so, I called my local spa to make an appointment. He then screamed at me for wasting money and for going to the competition when he could just do the job himself. I'm confused too. FML

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By Deployed - 7/12/2019 14:00 - United States - San Diego

Great surprise

Today, I came home from an eight month deployment to find my wife four months into her pregnancy. She actually thinks that I believe it's mine. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/11/2010 17:29 - United States

Today, my toilet broke. Yesterday, the shower filled up with sludge. I have ten people coming over for Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow. FML

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By _Tatyana_ - 13/6/2013 07:05 - United States - Gettysburg

Today, after getting my wisdom teeth pulled, I woke up from a much needed nap realizing I should take my pain medication. My mother then told me she had thrown them out so I wouldn't get addicted and become a drug dealer. FML

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By iLikeMyLegs - 9/5/2013 23:18 - Canada - Oshawa

Today, I was rushed to the ER due to a very swollen foot and high fever. The doctors said I just have a tissue infection but my parents believe I have a flesh eating disease. I can hear them discussing my future with an amputated leg. FML

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By no one - 21/5/2011 09:07 - United States

You've got a friend

Today, I woke up to a mosquito feeding on my morning wood; probably the only thing that will ever suck my penis. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/3/2013 15:51 - United States - South Sioux City

Today, I told my family I was divorcing my husband. My little sister asked if "we can keep him instead". FML

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By resipsahipsta - 28/6/2009 17:42 - United States

Today, I finally cracked the password on my husband's email account. I don't know which is worse: finding out your husband is cheating on you with several people, or finding his password includes his ex-girlfriend's name. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/4/2016 10:04 - Australia - Brunswick

Today, I ran into a new guy at work who told me the regional manager was visiting today to evaluate the staff. I scoffed and said that everything I'd heard about the manager made him seem like a total prick. His reply? "Maybe, but I'm a prick who can FIRE people." FML

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By Anonymous - 29/1/2012 19:55 - United States

Today, I realized the closest thing I've had to an intimate relationship with a female is the one I have with my cat. Even then, she ignores me. FML

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By DantesInfernalRage - 12/9/2017 13:00

Today, I had to resign from my job because I tested positive for drugs. I've never taken drugs. FML

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By poohead - 9/12/2009 05:07 - Australia

Today, I was cleaning out my new guinea pig cage for the first time because one of them had babies last night. After using a spatula to shovel up the 3 inch layer of crap and placenta, I decided to hose it down. The hose came on so hard, it sprayed the dung and birth water all over my face. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/2/2011 18:32 - United States

Today, I saw an attractive, thin woman eating a salad. Trying to be smooth, I approached her and told her that she didn't need to eat so scarcely, because she was beautiful. She promptly gave me a dirty look and informed me that she was a vegetarian. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/6/2016 06:11

Today, my best friend invited my ex to eat lunch with her. I wouldn't have found out had I not bumped into them while they were there. FML

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By ssondik - 22/6/2015 00:50 - United States - Hebron

Today, I was invited to a fancy-shmancy charity event, and the host - my friend - told me to wear a long, ballroom, fancy gown. Turns out my friend was just being a dick and it was a pool party. I spent $200 on my hair and makeup alone. FML

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By Help - 16/6/2018 20:30

Today, it's the 11th day of my migraine. I've drunk enough water to piss crystal clear, eaten every type of food there is, slept for days, and tried every remedy in my medicine cabinet. Nothing made a dent in the splitting pain. FML

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By Flyier - 30/9/2017 04:30

Today, as a flight attendant, I had to deal with a passenger staring at a stewardess constantly and masturbating. His wife was sitting next to him and didn't mind. FML

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By missunlucky - 18/2/2010 00:24 - Czech Republic

Today, I was at a club with my friends and my friend got really drunk. Later on he came up to me and said he really needed to pee but he was too drunk to work the zipper, and asked if I could help. When I finally unzipped him, he was so desperate to go he pissed in my face. FML

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By Stinkbomber - 24/2/2017 14:00 - United States - Woonsocket

Today, at work, our grease traps were getting cleaned out. My desk is right next to the vent for outside air, and veryone thought I crapped myself and wouldn't go near me. FML

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By deargodwhy - 4/9/2020 10:03

Throwing shade

Today, my 12-year-old daughter was suspended from school for doing a book report on 50 Shades of Grey. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/8/2012 20:59 - United Kingdom - Bedford

Today, one of the human turds that I stupidly added on Facebook posted how terrible her life is after her dad refused to arrange yet another holiday for her this year, so I bitched her out for being such a spoiled little brat. A few hours later, her boyfriend came over and beat the shit out of me. FML

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By Kayla - 12/4/2012 05:30 - United States - Mesa

Today, I freaked out because of the smell of rotting eggs lingering in my apartment. I soon discovered it was my boyfriend's feet. FML

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By DaigCrainielson - 12/10/2020 14:01 - United States - Sun Valley

Mystery

Today, I found out I had 3/4s of a Cheezit stuck in my sinus. No one knows how it got there, but the doctors found it while testing for COVID. I have an appointment soon to remove it. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/7/2009 16:46 - United States

Today, I was going to do some laundry, with the washer and dryer I bought off of Craigslist for 150 dollars. The washer leaks and the dryer doesn't dry. So I called the guy and left an angry message about how the washer flooded my kitchen. In fact I just forgot to hook up the drain hose. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/11/2011 17:10 - United States

Today, I learned that my roommate, the one in charge of the cooking, never washes her hands beforehand. According to her, it boosts her immune system. FML

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Top comments

By iAmScrubs | 19

#3151351 - Sunday 21 August 2011 9:19

If the dog is wearing a parachute, then it could be magical. A dog gliding off a cliff slowly without a care in the world.

By Jacobt24 | 19

#3151353 - Sunday 21 August 2011 9:19

I suggest watching your dog very carefully from now on

COMMENTS

By StoryOfTheYear | 13

#3151346 - Sunday 21 August 2011 9:19

Now that's not your bitch ._.

StoryOfTheYear | 13

#3151395 - Sunday 21 August 2011 9:23

1- Wtf, that doesn't even make any sense.

SunnyUserName123 | 5

#3151406 - Sunday 21 August 2011 9:26

wtf -.-

By iAmScrubs | 19

#3151351 - Sunday 21 August 2011 9:19

If the dog is wearing a parachute, then it could be magical. A dog gliding off a cliff slowly without a care in the world.

StoryOfTheYear | 13

#3151468 - Sunday 21 August 2011 9:36

Until it hits the ground :(

fabian21 | 0

#3151506 - Sunday 21 August 2011 9:41

It'd probably fart a rainbow and turn into a poptart. What a life!

PutItIn | 8

#3151548 - Sunday 21 August 2011 9:49

That's when you say, "He was talking about you, mom."

TheFakeFamilyGuy | 9

#3151603 - Sunday 21 August 2011 10:05

Was she also debating how to kill your dog and make it look like a accident a few days ago?

NeonBlack | 0

#3151687 - Sunday 21 August 2011 10:42

26- they already have that in cat form. It's called Nyan.

ariannaimelda | 7

#3151857 - Sunday 21 August 2011 12:07

What's up with the recent FMLs about parents trying to kill their pets/wanting them to die? There's a thing called adoption you don't have to kill the poor thing.

DoubleEdgedBlade | 4

#3152775 - Sunday 21 August 2011 14:12

37 - They have it in TacoDog form.

ScaughtieHolden | 11

#3152821 - Sunday 21 August 2011 14:28

Dog wouldn't give a shit, and 24 he has a parachute dumbass

dre_bro11 | 12

#3153021 - Sunday 21 August 2011 15:34

Well OP, expect to see your dog in a pound one year from now, despite you mum saying it died...

seanders | 10

#3153138 - Sunday 21 August 2011 16:11

I just tried yanking my GFs foot saying "get me a beer.". Didn't work:(

ChibiChibi_fml | 27

#3153573 - Sunday 21 August 2011 18:06

How is a dog going to know how and when to operate a parachute?

faithxoxox | 1

#3153588 - Sunday 21 August 2011 18:10

Look at you. Soaring majestically through the air, like an eagle... Piloting a blimp.

turkishjew | 0

#3153837 - Sunday 21 August 2011 19:52

Did she

DalekScythe | 0

#3156145 - Monday 22 August 2011 3:54

grab your mom by the leg and whisper "go do the same"

niebauer | 9

#3759396 - Tuesday 20 December 2011 6:12

@ 74Portal reference ftw

The_Nuke | 31

#5584357 - Wednesday 17 July 2013 6:32

Tug on your mothers' foot and say, "stop being a bitch" repeatedly and see how she likes it

By Jacobt24 | 19

#3151353 - Sunday 21 August 2011 9:19

I suggest watching your dog very carefully from now on

asianpandabear | 0

#3151388 - Sunday 21 August 2011 9:22

I'd suggest watching your mom, OP.

Jacobt24 | 19

#3151390 - Sunday 21 August 2011 9:23

Or otherwise your dog will have a ruff time

iAmScrubs | 19

#3151454 - Sunday 21 August 2011 9:33

@9: That was a pretty dog-gone good pun.

MonieeKay | 9

#3153751 - Sunday 21 August 2011 19:29

@9 and @22, You guys have marked new territory for awoofuly funny puns.

By sassypants93 | 17

#3151374 - Sunday 21 August 2011 9:21

You might want to watch those cliffs near you for a while...

By flockz | 19

#3151384 - Sunday 21 August 2011 9:22

(tugs foot) "slap an bark at mommy."

deathmetalkill | 3

#3151503 - Sunday 21 August 2011 9:41

I'm guessing it probably involved peanut butter.

xlord | 27

#3151634 - Sunday 21 August 2011 10:21

Playing fetch with the peanut butter?

tedjordan21 | 3

#3151704 - Sunday 21 August 2011 10:49

Yall know how to message on this app? I cant find out how

Naked_Communist | 0

#3153117 - Sunday 21 August 2011 16:03

Ha. Let me guess, you'd like to message pretty Emmie up there?

eeppiicc | 8

#3153352 - Sunday 21 August 2011 17:07

63, how'd u know?? Lol

Amrel | 10

#3153571 - Sunday 21 August 2011 18:05

I think the brother meant the dogs "middle leg"

By emmiep1011 | 7

#3151385 - Sunday 21 August 2011 9:22

what was your brother doing to your dog when he figured this out?

flockz | 19

#3151412 - Sunday 21 August 2011 9:26

wow no idea what i just typed...

meant to say "slap mommy then bark at her"
well i fail woo.

oops_im_fucked | 8

#3151657 - Sunday 21 August 2011 10:30

Third times the charm.... What? It's 2nd now?

Sydnayy | 4

#3152841 - Sunday 21 August 2011 14:35

Dogs don't have hands to slap people with.

By LemonBlue | 0

#3151397 - Sunday 21 August 2011 9:23

Tug your mom's foot and say 'go jump off a cliff'.

Jacobt24 | 19

#3151409 - Sunday 21 August 2011 9:26

Or tug mom's foot and say, "make me a sandwich"

BelleBelle_fml | 11

#3151706 - Sunday 21 August 2011 10:49

#13- Although I do not take offence to those 'women belong in the kitchen' or 'Women are only good for makin' sammiches' jokes, they are getting pretty old.