Miscellaneous: Today, my brother told the family that if you pull on the dog's...

By lala7 - United States

Today, my brother told the family that if you pull on the dog's back foot then she always obeys. I later found my mom tugging on the dog's foot whispering "jump off a cliff" repeatedly. FML

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Miscellaneous

Kids these days…

Friend's best friend

The Teaching Life

By Shortround - United States - Wheaton

Today, I had three things stolen: my phone, my iPod, and my girlfriend. All by the same guy. FML

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By lrgenesis - United States

Today, my mom friended all my friends on Facebook then thought it'd be a good idea to try and act like a teen so she'd be considered 'cool'. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I was a TA for a history class and the class was taking a test. About halfway through, I noticed one kid had a small piece of paper in his hand. I ran up the row, grabbed his test, and ripped it into four pieces. Then I took the note from him. It said "I believe in you, -Mom." FML

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By WishIWasAWriter - United Kingdom

Today, I bought a book by a #1 bestselling author, hoping it would distract me from having my manuscript rejected, as well as learn what made their book so successful. Now I realize I need to say stuff like, "I wish I had great boobs (hehe... boobs)" to get my works published. FML

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By thatsucks - United States

Today, I realized that my father's weekly unemployment check is more than my bi-weekly pay check. My full time job pays less than my father's unemployment. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Nanaimo

Today, I started my job as a driving instructor. My first client showed up piss drunk. FML

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By treehugger - Singapore - Singapore

Today, since I was grounded, I tried to sneak out of my room to attend a party by climbing out the second-storey window and down the tree. I was unharmed, but I probably should have checked to see if my dad was in the garden before climbing down. FML

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By preggersss - United States

Today, I got sick in the airsick bag as my flight landed. The woman next to me, trying to make me feel better, says "Don't handle landings too well?" I responded "No, I actually fly fine, I'm just 8 weeks pregnant." She looked at my left hand, noticed no ring, rolled her eyes and looked away. FML

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By SoGoodAtLife - Canada - Toronto

Today, I gave my boss a ride home from work. I had my phone on hands-free mode, so all calls would come through on speaker. I got a call from the new job I was applying at, with my boss listening to each word. FML

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By thecarisfine - Australia - Brisbane

Today, while on a date, I desperately let out a stealth fart in my date's car. I didn't have the nerve to own up to it, even as he started panicking and thinking the smell was coming from his engine. FML

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By svet - United States

Today, I was giving my boyfriend a blowjob, which I don't normally do because I have a fear of getting hit in the eye. Afterwards, I went to suck a lemon to get the taste out of my mouth. Sure enough, I bit the wrong spot and had lemon juice shoot right into my eye. FML

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By mistletoe - United States - Miami

Today, as a pickup line, a guy said to me, "Yo, can I kiss your vag' under the mistletoe?" FML

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By none - United States - San Antonio

Today, I had sex. The guy texted me an hour later, saying, "That was awkward. Let's not do that again." FML

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By Jen - 24/1/2021 13:58 - United States

Jealous?

Today, my unborn child's father told me he stood outside of my friend's house for an hour in the snow in the middle of the night because he thought I was with another guy. I was at her house helping with her four kids. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my bra clasp broke in the middle of a job interview. I got the job on the spot. I'm scared to report into work. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I asked my mom if she thought I was straight. She looked at me and said "Well, that's really up to you honey. But your father and I would still love you." I was asking if she thought I had parked straight. FML

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By dEpPrEsSeDgIrL - United States

Today, my dad decided to clean my 20 gallon fish tank. I had 6 fish. One of them was called a transparent fish, clear with a bright orange tail, which was my favorite. My dad didn't see it, and dumped the water out along with it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided that vaginal, oral, and anal sex are starting to get boring. Let's just say that my armpit is now drenched in lube. I'm afraid of what he's going to want to try once he gets bored of this. FML

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By jigglepuff - United States - Scottsdale

Today, I heard my sister talking to my mom about me, saying that I have the ability to suck the life out of a room like a Dementor. I walked in and asked what she meant by that. My mom replied, "She means you're an asshole." I love you too, mom. FML

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By SprinklerDodger - Denmark - Odense

Today, I was woken up by a noise coming from the bathroom. Upon investigation, I discovered my very drunk, giggling girlfriend attempting to urinate standing up. Carefully note the word "attempting". FML

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Today, after the booty call I work with became a lead, a position I was guaranteed, he's spread awful, untrue things about me around the office and since he became buddy buddy with management, they believed him. Don't shit where you eat, kids. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Englewood

Today, I had to go to therapy for my fear of cats. All the way there, my girlfriend kept making cat noises and scratching at me. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Saskatoon

Today, I woke up to an angry text from my roommate asking me to please let her know next time I'm going to have a friend crashing on the couch. I have no idea who she's talking about. FML

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By The_HML - United States

Today, I was swimming in the ocean, not too far off shore. I had asked my mom to come in, but she was afraid of the water because fish had nipped at her toes or something back in the day. I told her there was nothing to fear. I ended up getting stung in the balls by a Jelly fish. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/9/2020 15:02 - United States - Boise

Suspicious

Today, I pulled over because my cell phone was ringing, as it's now illegal to use in a car. I finished the call when a motorcycle cop on side of road pulls up behind me and comes over. The reason? "You pulled off the road and it was suspicious, then I ran your plate…" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I used the bathroom on a bus from New York to Boston, and carefully covered the seat with twenty of the single-square toilet paper rations. As I was peeing, the bus flew over a bump and swerved sharply, and my entire naked bottom was splashed with urine and poop. It wasn't my own. FML

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By Quin

Today, I was running around the track at school PE with a lot of other students. I noticed a guy who smelled really bad and I thought to myself how disgusting that was and I felt bad for him. Later, I was changing and caught a whiff of my shirt. It wasn't him who was smelly. FML

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By dontrapeme - United States

Today, while at the gym, a very large man walked over to me and said, "I like wearing all orange to the gym." Not wanting to be rude, I asked why. He looks me up and down and said, "It reminds me of prison." I think I'm going to be jumped. FML

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By pink_cupcakes - Australia

Today, I went to the movies alone after the boy I was seeing told me he was busy studying for exams. I found him making out with another girl whilst in the queue. When I confronted him by text he denied that it was him. I saw him check the text and reply. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/7/2020 20:00

More issues than Vogue

Today, my wife is grumpy because our son has his first girlfriend and she feels like she’s been replaced. Our son is 32 and surely it’s about damn time. FML

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By Lonely, I am so lonely - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Today, a friend posted a photo on Facebook of a meal with all of our other friends. The same meal they'd told me just yesterday had been cancelled. FML

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By nooooooooob - United States

Today, after a long bike-ride home, I thought my roommate was being a douche and holding the door shut to our apartment. After about ten minutes of shoulder-slamming and name calling, I discovered that I just wasn't turning the key all the way, which I found out when my roomie came home. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Nampa

Today, I took my binder on a short road trip two hours away from my home, so that I could study for my upcoming finals. When I got home, I realized I that had left my binder all the way there, containing my notes, classwork, homework, finals notes, etc. FML

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By Walter - Spain

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting heated. I kissed her on the neck, chest, stomach, and threw up as I kissed between her legs. FML

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By omgfmlhard - United States

Today, I walked into Best Buy to buy a 42" widescreen TV I'd been saving up for many months. As I walked in, a man stopped me and handed me my wallet that I'd accidentally dropped. I thanked him. 5 minutes later at the checkout, I opened up my wallet to realize it was empty. He had stolen everything. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my roommates gathered together to tell me that they all took turns spitting in my drinks in the fridge, all because I told on them for smoking pot in the apartment. FML

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By Pantess at work - 30/3/2021 16:00 - United States

Ripper

Today, at work, the seat of my pants ripped open. A coworker lent me a pair of his back-up jeans, and then those ripped in the crotch. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - North Kingstown

Today, my psycho girlfriend tried to blackmail me into giving her money, threatening to show everyone the nude pictures I recently sent her. Except the pictures on her phone that she threatened me with weren't even of me. Nice to know I'm also being cheated on. FML

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By cook for yourself dammit! - 12/7/2020 14:01

Kitchen Nightmares

Today, tired of my husband complaining that my food was basic and bland, I went out of my way to learn to cook using new recipes and fresh ingredients. He complained that I took too long to make dinner, and that the food is "fancied up shit." He can cook his own meals now. FML

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By for fucks sake gramps - United States - Mililani

Today, I was at the store with my grandpa. When we were rung up, he started to pay for our myriad groceries in coins, and the guy behind us groaned. My grandpa said, "shut your mouth," and started ranting about how stupid people are to leave paper trails for "government spooks." FML

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Top comments

By iAmScrubs | 19

#3151351 - Sunday 21 August 2011 9:19

If the dog is wearing a parachute, then it could be magical. A dog gliding off a cliff slowly without a care in the world.

By Jacobt24 | 19

#3151353 - Sunday 21 August 2011 9:19

I suggest watching your dog very carefully from now on

COMMENTS

By StoryOfTheYear | 13

#3151346 - Sunday 21 August 2011 9:19

Now that's not your bitch ._.

StoryOfTheYear | 13

#3151395 - Sunday 21 August 2011 9:23

1- Wtf, that doesn't even make any sense.

SunnyUserName123 | 5

#3151406 - Sunday 21 August 2011 9:26

wtf -.-

By iAmScrubs | 19

#3151351 - Sunday 21 August 2011 9:19

If the dog is wearing a parachute, then it could be magical. A dog gliding off a cliff slowly without a care in the world.

StoryOfTheYear | 13

#3151468 - Sunday 21 August 2011 9:36

Until it hits the ground :(

fabian21 | 0

#3151506 - Sunday 21 August 2011 9:41

It'd probably fart a rainbow and turn into a poptart. What a life!

PutItIn | 8

#3151548 - Sunday 21 August 2011 9:49

That's when you say, "He was talking about you, mom."

TheFakeFamilyGuy | 9

#3151603 - Sunday 21 August 2011 10:05

Was she also debating how to kill your dog and make it look like a accident a few days ago?

NeonBlack | 0

#3151687 - Sunday 21 August 2011 10:42

26- they already have that in cat form. It's called Nyan.

ariannaimelda | 7

#3151857 - Sunday 21 August 2011 12:07

What's up with the recent FMLs about parents trying to kill their pets/wanting them to die? There's a thing called adoption you don't have to kill the poor thing.

DoubleEdgedBlade | 4

#3152775 - Sunday 21 August 2011 14:12

37 - They have it in TacoDog form.

ScaughtieHolden | 11

#3152821 - Sunday 21 August 2011 14:28

Dog wouldn't give a shit, and 24 he has a parachute dumbass

dre_bro11 | 12

#3153021 - Sunday 21 August 2011 15:34

Well OP, expect to see your dog in a pound one year from now, despite you mum saying it died...

seanders | 10

#3153138 - Sunday 21 August 2011 16:11

I just tried yanking my GFs foot saying "get me a beer.". Didn't work:(

ChibiChibi_fml | 27

#3153573 - Sunday 21 August 2011 18:06

How is a dog going to know how and when to operate a parachute?

faithxoxox | 1

#3153588 - Sunday 21 August 2011 18:10

Look at you. Soaring majestically through the air, like an eagle... Piloting a blimp.

turkishjew | 0

#3153837 - Sunday 21 August 2011 19:52

Did she

DalekScythe | 0

#3156145 - Monday 22 August 2011 3:54

grab your mom by the leg and whisper "go do the same"

niebauer | 9

#3759396 - Tuesday 20 December 2011 6:12

@ 74Portal reference ftw

The_Nuke | 31

#5584357 - Wednesday 17 July 2013 6:32

Tug on your mothers' foot and say, "stop being a bitch" repeatedly and see how she likes it

By Jacobt24 | 19

#3151353 - Sunday 21 August 2011 9:19

I suggest watching your dog very carefully from now on

asianpandabear | 0

#3151388 - Sunday 21 August 2011 9:22

I'd suggest watching your mom, OP.

Jacobt24 | 19

#3151390 - Sunday 21 August 2011 9:23

Or otherwise your dog will have a ruff time

iAmScrubs | 19

#3151454 - Sunday 21 August 2011 9:33

@9: That was a pretty dog-gone good pun.

MonieeKay | 9

#3153751 - Sunday 21 August 2011 19:29

@9 and @22, You guys have marked new territory for awoofuly funny puns.

By sassypants93 | 17

#3151374 - Sunday 21 August 2011 9:21

You might want to watch those cliffs near you for a while...

By flockz | 19

#3151384 - Sunday 21 August 2011 9:22

(tugs foot) "slap an bark at mommy."

deathmetalkill | 3

#3151503 - Sunday 21 August 2011 9:41

I'm guessing it probably involved peanut butter.

xlord | 27

#3151634 - Sunday 21 August 2011 10:21

Playing fetch with the peanut butter?

tedjordan21 | 3

#3151704 - Sunday 21 August 2011 10:49

Yall know how to message on this app? I cant find out how

Naked_Communist | 0

#3153117 - Sunday 21 August 2011 16:03

Ha. Let me guess, you'd like to message pretty Emmie up there?

eeppiicc | 8

#3153352 - Sunday 21 August 2011 17:07

63, how'd u know?? Lol

Amrel | 10

#3153571 - Sunday 21 August 2011 18:05

I think the brother meant the dogs "middle leg"

By emmiep1011 | 7

#3151385 - Sunday 21 August 2011 9:22

what was your brother doing to your dog when he figured this out?

flockz | 19

#3151412 - Sunday 21 August 2011 9:26

wow no idea what i just typed...

meant to say "slap mommy then bark at her"
well i fail woo.

oops_im_fucked | 8

#3151657 - Sunday 21 August 2011 10:30

Third times the charm.... What? It's 2nd now?

Sydnayy | 4

#3152841 - Sunday 21 August 2011 14:35

Dogs don't have hands to slap people with.

By LemonBlue | 0

#3151397 - Sunday 21 August 2011 9:23

Tug your mom's foot and say 'go jump off a cliff'.

Jacobt24 | 19

#3151409 - Sunday 21 August 2011 9:26

Or tug mom's foot and say, "make me a sandwich"

BelleBelle_fml | 11

#3151706 - Sunday 21 August 2011 10:49

#13- Although I do not take offence to those 'women belong in the kitchen' or 'Women are only good for makin' sammiches' jokes, they are getting pretty old.