Intimacy: Today, I learned the hard way that when a pierced, tattooed,... - FML

By owmyhead - 21/08/2011 00:08 - United States

Spicy

Today, I learned the hard way that when a pierced, tattooed, and otherwise extremely stereotypical biker chick jokingly threatens to find you and beat you up if you don't call her back after a one-night stand, she's not actually joking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 067

You deserved it 49 434

Hiding from the drama

This Charming Man

Triage

Breeders

By Anonymous - 12/07/2015 19:39 - United Kingdom

Today, a customer at the restaurant where I work reduced me to tears by screaming at me, as I nearly knocked out his 2-year-old with the kitchen door, after he let the little boy play on the floor behind it. Apparently, it's my fault I can't see through solid wood. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 494

You deserved it 1 928

By Haggis300 - 28/03/2015 23:44 - Australia

Today, my best friend went to my boss and offered to do my job for half the pay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 206

You deserved it 2 437

By Epiphany - 19/07/2012 09:01 - United States

Today, I finally realized how depressed I am when I found bubble wrap and didn't feel like popping it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 016

You deserved it 3 018

By Anonymous - 02/11/2014 16:44 - United States - Rome

Today, I was singing in my dorm. When I left a little later, a cute guy came up to me and asked if I was the girl who'd been singing. I proudly said yes. He replied, "Good thing you finally shut the fuck up!" and walked away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 895

You deserved it 10 867

By Anonymous - 08/05/2012 22:10 - United States - Chandler

Today, I corrected someone who spelled "learned" as "learnt" on my favorite forum. Nothing could've prepared me for the torrent of abuse that followed from the non-American members. Now I'm banned for "trolling," and all my 7,000+ posts since 2006 are gone forever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 385

You deserved it 41 450

Long time gone

By Anonymous - 06/08/2021 18:01

Today, I haven't heard from my girlfriend for over a week, after being in a relationship for 7 years with her. She'd called me, saying she had to care for her ex-husband because he had suffered a heart attack. Guess we're over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 840

You deserved it 116

By MY CAR - 15/11/2011 04:51 - United States

Today, an asshat in a Foghorn Leghorn t-shirt let his piece-of-crap mongrel dog do some sort of rain dance on the roof of my car, scratching the paintwork. He was a huge guy, so my backbone left town and I just smiled as if it was cute. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 840

You deserved it 11 095

Looking for a job?

By Anonymous - 21/06/2021 19:31 - India - Bangalore

Today, the guy we'd offered to hire, who had a 2-month notice period, emailed to say he couldn't come after all, because his employer offered to retain him. In this two-month timeframe, we didn't interview anybody else and now we're in deep shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 724

You deserved it 428

By Lifeless - 15/08/2010 08:42 - United States

Today, I put on makeup for a picture. My Facebook profile picture. That's how much of a life I actually have. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 598

You deserved it 33 574

By Anonymous - 01/06/2018 06:00

Spicy

Today, my new bikini must be cheap as shit because I tanned nicely where I put on sunscreen, but where I didn’t apply it under the bikini I’ve gotten super red sunburn on my butt, my lady bits, and my boobs. My nipples look like the ends of red felt tip pens. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 507

You deserved it 791

By CaoNiMa - 26/03/2009 15:42 - China

Today, I had my girlfriend over and we we're watching a movie in my basement. I run upstairs and pop a bag of popcorn. Later I come downstairs to find my 10 year old brother sitting next to my girlfriend saying," My brother always says he wants to screw your brains out, whatever that means". FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 789

You deserved it 74 733

By je suis christy - 09/01/2015 19:04 - Sweden - Stockholm

Today, while heading to the bathroom, I saw my girlfriend putting some lingerie under my bed. I stupidly thought it was for some sexy time later. Well, later on, she dramatically "found" the lingerie and broke up with me. Almost everyone believes her story and thinks I'm a dirty cheater. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 811

You deserved it 3 100

You've got a friend

By no one - 21/05/2011 09:07 - United States

Spicy

Today, I woke up to a mosquito feeding on my morning wood; probably the only thing that will ever suck my penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 537

You deserved it 11 375

By wow - 11/07/2009 20:02 - United States

Today, I have to choose between one eyebrow or none because I'm a heavy sleeper and my brother is a moron. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 967

You deserved it 5 142

By myrkes - 10/09/2015 11:09 - Switzerland - Marstetten

Today, it's the day before my friends' wedding. My dress has not yet been shipped from the online shop where I ordered it three weeks ago, the hand-crafted gift that was ordered last month is trapped at customs and my cats have just managed to open the drawer and eat the wedding card. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 074

You deserved it 3 011

By Anonymous - 23/03/2016 22:48 - United States - Lake Worth

Today, I found out that my mom has been deliberately forgetting to help me practice my driving. It's not because the insurance will go up once I pass the test, she doesn't want my 14 year-old sister to feel left behind. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 625

You deserved it 1 176

By anonymous - 18/09/2009 17:48 - France

Today, I wasn't feeling too good, and took my temperature. I had a fever, which I told my boyfriend who was laughing hysterically when I told him. I asked him what was so funny, turns out he's been using the thermometer to take our dog's temperature sometimes. Rectally, of course. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 486

You deserved it 5 557

By helplesslover - 04/10/2009 06:13 - United States

Today, my boyfriend called and said he was stopping by to talk. I didn't understand why he would stop by, so I asked if he was going to break up with me, he said no. Half an hour later, he knocked on my door to break up with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 018

You deserved it 5 727

By Anonymous - 26/04/2012 19:17 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I decided not to wear any makeup. I got told 13 times at work that I looked ill. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 658

You deserved it 6 745

By That guy - 08/08/2016 15:45 - United States - Mansfield

Today, I was told that every week the grocery store I work for has a "mystery customer" who shops throughout the store and rates us. Our store has gotten straight 100s for the past two years, and I ruined their streak. Apparently, I was the worst they've ever seen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 509

You deserved it 3 534

By Anonymous - 03/11/2010 17:14 - United States

Today, after 30 minutes of pre-heating the oven to make a special meatloaf for my husband's birthday, I remembered that I had hidden the cake in there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 620

You deserved it 31 979

Landmine

By Anonymous - 03/04/2021 00:30

Today, my sister told everyone she doesn't get mad at people anymore, and just accepts it. Today is also the day she folded laundry and threw my clothes around my room. Still not mad, just passive aggressive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 760

You deserved it 92

By Anonymous - 24/02/2010 15:29 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend of 3 years left me for a guy whose favorite color is camouflage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 760

You deserved it 5 764

By Paige - 26/12/2011 06:35 - United States

Today, my parents gave me an iPhone. They then checked my grades online, and promptly took it away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 183

You deserved it 52 132

By wellesleybanana - 17/04/2009 18:43 - United States

Today, I finally got some sleep after an exterminator came yesterday and took care of our roach problem. I woke up and kissed my boyfriend good morning. Frowning, he told me I had something stuck on the corner of my mouth. It was a roach leg. Where is the rest of the roach? FML

I agree, your life sucks 97 096

You deserved it 4 661

By Anonymous - 12/08/2012 23:08 - United States - Saddle Brook

Today, while on my morning jog, I turned a corner, and out of nowhere, the business end of a bicycle hit me straight in the nuts. As I collapsed, gasping in agony, the guy who just killed a hundred million of my potential children got back on his bike and cycled away without a word. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 389

You deserved it 2 297

By wellalrightythen - 09/02/2015 06:23 - United States - Hobart

Today, I boarded a plane. A woman decided that she didn't like where she put her carry on luggage and pulled it out from over my head. The heavy luggage then fell right into my face, the wheel smacking me in the mouth busting my lip open. She just laughed and waltzed away without a word. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 801

You deserved it 2 486

By Anonymous - 27/04/2013 16:35 - Denmark

Today, my boyfriend dumped me because he says I need to learn how to be happy without relying on him. I'm not a clinger, I'm just unhappy because my dad recently passed away, my best friend turned on me, and I lost out on the exchange program of my dreams. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 187

You deserved it 4 090

By Bawsack - 06/04/2017 00:00

Today, I dyed my hair. It was all going well, until I forgot I had a head full of product and scratched an itch. I didn't realise my mistake until later, and now have to replace my six-month old sofa because it has a huge stain that alternates from purple to bleach. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 336

You deserved it 3 031

By fingwhore - 27/07/2014 17:12 - United States - Greensboro

Today, my girlfriend came back from camping with her friends. I say "friends", I mean "friend". And when I say "friend", I mean "her ex". I took a look through her bag afterwards, and well, who knew condoms were considered camping equipment these days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 451

You deserved it 6 925

By tyler_powellROTC - 15/12/2016 03:43 - United States - Irving

Today, while practicing for a competition, someone decided to spin a rifle with a bayonet. I'm currently sitting in the ER with stitches in my foot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 146

You deserved it 532

By Oze - 18/02/2010 09:48 - United States

Today, my roommate will fall asleep to Muppet Treasure Island. We sleep 3 feet away from each other and he has been doing this since Christmas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 634

You deserved it 2 857

Memory man

By Anonymous - 20/02/2017 22:00 - United States - Kennebunk

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend and I were doing the dirty, when she told me to say her full name, including her middle name. I'd forgot her middle name. It was completely awkward after. I'm a dumbass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 671

You deserved it 3 247

By teapotrevolt - 02/03/2015 20:40 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, while laughing at a jogger that fell down while running, I choked on my French fries. They had to give me the Heimlich maneuver. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 484

You deserved it 54 078

By cantprovenothing - 18/04/2014 21:31 - United States - Arlington

Today, I was babysitting a 9-year-old kid, when she got thirsty and asked for a drink. All I could find was some kind of Mexican fruit drink, but I didn't realize until too late that it was actually hard liquor. I had to scrub her mouth out with toothpaste and put her to bed to cover it all up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 517

You deserved it 48 283

Thanks dude

By Cheese - 12/05/2021 00:02

Spicy

Today, my sausage dog ate my cat's turds and barfed them all over my bed. Try convincing the girl you just brought home to get into bed after that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 854

You deserved it 228

By Anonymous - 21/08/2017 00:30 - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, after weeks of complaints and an engineer call-out for our photocopier, it turns out that all faults are user errors, and it's now my job to 'idiot proof' the printer. The people I work for are all educated on a Master's / PhD level and are responsible for cancer patient treatment at a major hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 849

You deserved it 316

By Anonymous - 28/01/2015 01:24 - United States - Rochester

Today, I spent over an hour shovelling the walkway and driveway, snow blowing in my face and down my coat. When I was finally finished, a guy started going through the neighborhood plowing everyone's driveways for them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 401

You deserved it 2 959

By Anonymous - 26/09/2010 04:10 - France

Today, I was bored so I got my little brother's toy spaceship and a teddy bear, went to my room and started flying them around, having dog fights, making explosion noises and humming epic orchestral music. My mom opened my bedroom door, showing our new hot female neighbour around the house. I'm 19. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 034

You deserved it 38 243

By Snickers - 12/05/2012 04:27 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, while sitting at a red light, I guiltily nibbled on a chocolate bar and looked around to make sure no one saw me cheating on my diet. A police car pulled up, I panicked, stepped on the gas, and ran the light. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 245

You deserved it 53 952

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Sunday 21 August 2011 9:21

Something tells me that she was the one giving the orders in bed.

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Sunday 21 August 2011 9:20

Why didn't you just call her back?

Comments

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Sunday 21 August 2011 9:19

Wow, guys. I suck so, so bad, and in more ways than one! ROFL.

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Sunday 21 August 2011 9:32

Fags

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Sunday 21 August 2011 9:38

Sorry OP but YDI for being a douche.

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Sunday 21 August 2011 9:38

So... what type of bike did she ride?

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Sunday 21 August 2011 9:40

Sorry OP but YDI for being a douche. I hate the one night stand type of guy.

StoryOfTheYear 13

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Sunday 21 August 2011 9:42

26- Rule #1 about threadjacking: Do not threadjack if nothing relevant has been posted about the original comment, or you look like you're talking about the original comment, not OP

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Sunday 21 August 2011 10:04

34- Well, sorry. I didn't mean to destroy the subject. People below me have God's, the Pope's, and the President's approval to continue talking about the actual post. Pff.

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Sunday 21 August 2011 10:06

Is that why you couldnt stay? No place to put your things? Only 1 night stand?

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Sunday 21 August 2011 10:08

#31 hasn't kissed a girl in his life

oops_im_fucked 8

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Sunday 21 August 2011 10:32

Ok but what does that have to do with anything? I mean, no offense or anything.

hellogoodbye1996 6

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Sunday 21 August 2011 10:36

You must be pretty desperate to get with a women that could beat you..

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Sunday 21 August 2011 10:39

He edited it. He had something else earlier.

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Sunday 21 August 2011 10:40

I think you really satisfied her libido. but I wonder who had sex with who?

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Sunday 21 August 2011 10:54

Act of a mod, most likely Sirin for all you newcomers :)

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Sunday 21 August 2011 11:18

Whatever it is, I like it.

cruxx 0

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Sunday 21 August 2011 11:32

I have no idea whats going on..

killerweakness 0

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Saturday 3 September 2011 4:38

Funny shit man

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Sunday 21 August 2011 9:20

damn… totally FYL.

babyfireball77 14

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Sunday 21 August 2011 9:52

You deserved it for having a one night stand with a butch biker chick

palahniukpaul 6

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Sunday 21 August 2011 11:42

Why do I smell bicycles?

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Sunday 21 August 2011 23:35

2- I fucking love your picture lol.

asianpandabear 0

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Sunday 21 August 2011 9:20

That's why I wait till 2 nights after.

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Sunday 21 August 2011 9:20

Why didn't you just call her back?

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Sunday 21 August 2011 23:30

Bcuz she's a biker brod

Lennes 12

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Sunday 21 August 2011 23:48

#77, he wouldn't have to sleep with her. He could tell her he's moving to a diferent country and that although the time he spent with her was delightful, long-distance relationships never work out.

chrisbeaudoin 26

Wednesday 28 October 2015 2:03

Okay, Barney.

BaDumTsss_fml 23

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Sunday 3 January 2016 14:39

Because he isn't obligated to

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Sunday 21 August 2011 9:21

Well... You shouldn't have pissed off my sister.

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Sunday 21 August 2011 9:21

Why didn't u call her? It's a guaranteed laid.

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Sunday 21 August 2011 9:21

LOL

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Sunday 21 August 2011 10:49

guaranteed lay**

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Sunday 21 August 2011 11:43

You're hot ;)

BikeAllDay818 6

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Monday 22 August 2011 0:11

Who gives a fuck.

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Monday 22 August 2011 22:43

^ The biker chick. Or she would have if the guy called back.

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Sunday 21 August 2011 9:21

Something tells me that she was the one giving the orders in bed.

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Sunday 21 August 2011 9:21

OP's name suggests that she succeeded, or it was rough sex . . .

StoryOfTheYear 13

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Sunday 21 August 2011 9:40

And if you had read the whole FML you'd have found that OP does indeed tell us she succeeds

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Sunday 21 August 2011 9:48

Yeah I know. I just wanted to comment on the username.

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Sunday 21 August 2011 11:00

What does OP mean?

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Sunday 21 August 2011 11:07

I have an ORIGINAL POSTER of the denver broncos.

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Monday 22 August 2011 2:47

OP's place of residence suggests that biker chicks/one-night stands aren't too rare

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Sunday 21 August 2011 9:22

So she doesn't know the concept of a one night stand?

shortstuffs23 7

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Sunday 21 August 2011 9:41

exactly.

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Sunday 21 August 2011 11:51

Or she didn't realise it was a one-night stand. Maybe she saw OP, fell head over heels in love with him and misinterpreted the amazing sex as the start of an amazing relationship. Dunno. OP, FYL for getting beaten up, but YDI for not saying you were not interested in anything more than a one-night stand/not calling her back.

heavymetalman1 0

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Sunday 21 August 2011 9:22

Dating A lesbian when your a dude can do rough things to a guy. Did she snap your dick off to??

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Sunday 21 August 2011 9:24

Yes. That's why OP's username is 'owmyhead'

BelleBelle_fml 11

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Sunday 21 August 2011 10:12

Jacobt24; that was a much better reference to OP's username. Well played.

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Sunday 21 August 2011 10:25

All thanks to heavymetalman here for setting me up. I have Chewy Chips Ahoy! cookies with your name on it

heavymetalman1 0

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 1:27

COOKIES!!!

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20

You deserved it 14

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 75

You deserved it 7

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I realized why my boyfriend drove me to his “favorite” hospital about one agonizing hour away while I was in labor. His friend who's a nurse worked there. Or should I say, his side chick. He made out with her in the room while I was “sleeping” after giving birth to our first child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 690

You deserved it 53

Today, I’ve been single and lonely for so long, I looked up if it’s possible to marry your hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 400

You deserved it 251