Transportation: Today, I was on a transatlantic flight, ear plugs in my ears....

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3

You deserved it 0

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 79

You deserved it 686

Unfriended

By thethrowawayplace - 15/10/2021 17:00

Today, my friend was watching a black guy getting yelled at by the cops on TV. He then decided to yell, "Wow, ni***** really don't know how to behave!" When I didn't react, he yelled it over and over, until I slunk into my room. He knows I'm part black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 780

You deserved it 134

07/12/2008 03:49

Today, I was on a transatlantic flight, ear plugs in my ears. The steward walked past with a plastic bag. I threw my litter into it and didn't immediately understand why he said, "Very funny, sir." It wasn't a bin bag, he was collecting for Unicef. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 009

You deserved it 10 009

Transportation

Batman

Broken heart

Stop talking!

Dark

By bloomrosalind8976 - 02/05/2021 16:59

Today, I admitted to my SO that I wanted to kill myself. They told me it was abusive to tell them that, and claimed I was just using it as a tool to control them. What they don't know is I attempted it by overdosing the other day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 098

You deserved it 184

Welcome!

By Anonymous - 11/10/2021 15:30

Today, I went over to welcome this new couple to our subdivision with a bottle of wine and muffins. I told them I liked what they were doing with the place, then asked them when they had moved in. They replied, "Two years ago." FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 497

You deserved it 38 167

22/03/2013 05:28

Today, I kissed my gorgeous new boyfriend for the first time. I ran my hands through his hair; a multitude of dandruff rained out and five lice crawled onto my hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 252

You deserved it 7 186

18/07/2016 01:02

Today, I woke up in the hospital after my sister saved me from "hanging" myself. In reality, my sister choked me because I ate her last chicken nugget. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 537

You deserved it 1 412

05/09/2009 16:22

Today, I tried to impress my girlfriend by punching through a piece of old drywall karate kid-style. As it turns out, the drywall was actually a thin piece of concrete. I now have a busted hand and a girlfriend with a new story to tell all her friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 776

You deserved it 50 967

29/01/2011 06:06

Today, after suffering from constipation for three days, I finally took a dump. Just as things reached the point of no return, my land line and doorbell all rang. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 153

You deserved it 3 186

23/11/2016 18:33

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me by sending me flowers that said, "I just need some space, forever. I hope I never see you again, even if you were a great person. It's not you it's me." FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 534

You deserved it 871

26/05/2012 00:15

Today, my eight-year-old son thought that if he swallowed soap, his farts would smell like soap. The smell of vomit and diarrhea now permeating my house is proof of how wrong he was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 190

You deserved it 2 714

20/12/2009 05:04

Today, I was on a first date with this girl I've been talking to. I met her and she came with me so I could park my car in the student lot. On the way back, I saw a beat up car with its window duct taped up and exclaimed "Haha! Look at that piece of junk." It was her car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 619

You deserved it 38 927

11/07/2013 00:15

Today, my college English teacher told me if I wanted an explanation for my grade I would have to schedule a conference to come to her office. It's an online class. I took an online class because I can't come in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 337

You deserved it 4 369

22/09/2010 01:31

Today, at work I was bored so I started to doodle on MS paint. My boss walks by and asks me to join him in his office. When I do so, he fires me for drawing offensive material. I drew a rainbow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 916

You deserved it 7 754

Child labor

By great parenting pal - 11/08/2020 02:01

Today, I was dining out with friends. I saw a mom instructing her young child to go to empty tables and take whatever cash had been left. I discreetly told the manager. He confronted the woman and pointed right at me. As she was being thrown out, she tossed a very heavy mug at my head. It hit me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 153

You deserved it 202

17/04/2013 21:57

Today my mother met my in-laws for the first time. She had been an alcoholic and had us sent to foster care 15 years ago. My husband told his parents this behind my back a while ago. When they asked her about it, she denied everything. His entire family now thinks I lie for attention. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 852

You deserved it 4 293

11/04/2017 18:00

Today, at work, I was informed that my manager told the owner, "Everything wrong with my department" is me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 237

You deserved it 426

15/04/2017 22:00

Today, I found out what it feels like to have a cow take a large, flatulent shit with my arm still elbow-deep inside their rectum. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 725

You deserved it 814

22/12/2009 18:05

Today, I was on Facebook chat with my boss, talking about holiday hours. I had to go to my doctor's appointment, so I said, "G2G, love you" accidentally. Not only did he say it back, but he also requested a relationship with me on Facebook. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 918

You deserved it 12 962

11/11/2009 01:52

Today, I woke up next to the girl I had drunk intercourse with last night. Before we got it on, I noticed a package of birth control pills on her nightstand. Because of this, I felt no need to use a condom, or pull out. When I woke up, I noticed those "pills" were actually a makeup case. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 031

You deserved it 62 855

31/07/2014 11:38

Today, while wandering around the big city I just relocated to, I asked a seemingly pleasant-looking lady where the nearest library was. She told me to get lost, and started laughing. Then said she was just joking and gave me directions. I'm now standing in front of a gay strip joint. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 881

You deserved it 5 140

08/05/2009 03:02

Today, I was at a restaurant when I heard a young girl telling her father she didn't think she was pretty. When I got up to leave, I walked past her table and told her she was beautiful. Her dad then punched me in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 920

You deserved it 16 461

24/06/2019 03:00

Today, I was talking to a colleague at a meeting, and I told him about my promotion and how the position was created specifically for me. I forgot that the guy works in HR, and he started questioning me about how the division was able to create the position, and said that he will need to look at it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 725

You deserved it 2 123

05/08/2013 19:10

Today, I realized why my water bill has gone down so much. My 16 year old daughter now only feels it necessary to shower whenever her boyfriend is going to come over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 034

You deserved it 5 244

27/02/2009 08:57

Today, I was in my room and I drew a Harry Potter lightning bolt on my forehead in eyeliner because it cheers me up. Then some friends came over, so we went out to get yogurt, and when I got back I realized the lightning bolt was still there. I'm in college. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 367

You deserved it 74 442

The Summoner

By Anonymous - 14/09/2020 05:02

Today, I've lived in my apartment for over 5 years with no bugs, as I'm phobic of them. I broke up with my ex, who smirked at me and declared war. I now have thousands of roaches that I can't get rid of. Coincidence? FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 379

You deserved it 124

10/11/2011 03:52

Today, in a large church youth group, we were told to write our current biggest trial on a piece of paper, crumple it up, and throw it in pile. I wrote "My mother's death and having to leave my friends and family." The one I picked up just said "math." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 724

You deserved it 4 040

Family matters

By Anonymous - 14/12/2020 22:58

Today, I met this girl who's perfect. Turns out, since I'm adopted, she might be my sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 882

You deserved it 84

16/01/2009 20:46

Today, my mom asked me for advice on how to give a good blow job. I'm a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 464

You deserved it 3 055

01/01/2009 08:49

Today, and for the last 8 months my upstairs neighbours have been making a tremendous noise. I finally decided to go up to complain: "The amount of noise you make is unbelievable ! It sounds like you're driving tractors up here!". The woman replies: "My husband is paraplegic..." FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 655

You deserved it 9 232

11/06/2014 16:41

Today, my family and I were on a road trip. Everything was fine until we discovered that my dad, the driver, was not only fast asleep, he was also snoring. We were in the middle of the highway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 506

You deserved it 4 451

03/11/2016 13:16

Today, I received a letter from my landlord's attorney. It said my landlord is terminating my "verbal" lease with him. Ten years ago, the deal began as rent to own. My landlord is my grandfather. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 826

You deserved it 726

29/04/2014 18:48

Today, while at a restaurant with my husband for our 4-year anniversary, he kept behaving strangely, breathing deeply and eventually sighing happily. I thought the wine had just gone to his head. Nope; he proudly admitted later that he'd jerked off without anyone noticing, even me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 138

You deserved it 5 520

Jeopardy

By Anonymous - 07/10/2021 08:00

Today, I took an embarrassing picture of myself in my work uniform, acting goofy and such, to send to my friends but I accidentally sent it to my manager. It was a very jeopardizing pose. I’m supposed to start tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 204

You deserved it 1 150

21/10/2010 17:33

Today, I flashed my boobs at my boyfriend's boss. My boyfriend was wearing tan pants and a black sweater. His boss was wearing black pants and a tan sweater. From 100 feet away they looked the same until my boyfriend came behind me wanting to know what I was doing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 849

You deserved it 48 239

30/07/2014 17:04

Today, my husband thought it would be romantic to pick me up and fall on the bed with me while we were kissing. Our faces smashed together as we hit the bed, and my tongue is still bleeding on and off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 619

You deserved it 5 854

27/11/2014 03:33

Today, I thought I'd lost the ring that my boyfriend had given me, in the snow, in the dark. I spent a half hour with a flashlight searching every part of my driveway. The ring was on my kitchen windowsill the whole time. I took it off earlier to do dishes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 595

You deserved it 7 691

Busted

By Stacy - 21/03/2009 00:43

Today, I went into my older brother's room to get a condom. This happened the other day too when my boyfriend forgot one. So I went in and there was a note that said, "Stop using my condoms. And your boyfriend sounds like a girl when he climaxes." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 743

You deserved it 121 477

03/04/2016 17:28

Today, I found a bowl of green beans just sitting in my microwave. The only person in my life who ever eats green beans is my psycho ex-girlfriend. She moved out three months ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 451

You deserved it 2 189

03/01/2014 03:50

Today, my boyfriend wrote me a long poem that ended with, "Please don't get another mister / I regret I screwed your sister". FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 988

You deserved it 4 645

06/09/2013 03:27

Today, my neighbour was practicing his opera singing, drunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 588

You deserved it 3 307

22/08/2011 06:04

Today, I bought a Halloween costume for my cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 424

You deserved it 41 595

21/01/2018 01:30

Today, I gave my mom an extra pillow since the ones in the guest room were too flat and hurt her neck. Hours later, I remembered that I'd stashed my vibrator in that pillowcase during a romantic camping trip with my husband. She found it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 096

You deserved it 1 975

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Top comments

arienh4 0

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Sunday 1 March 2009 1:13

Well, aren't you generous today.

HOPELESSLYxJENN 0

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Friday 15 May 2009 3:20

awh. at least it was an honest mistake.

Comments

arienh4 0

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Sunday 1 March 2009 1:13

Well, aren't you generous today.

noobgang7 5

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Sunday 14 February 2010 3:06

who cares, they aren't even non-profit a lot of the money goes to them

TribalSeed 4

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Thursday 3 March 2011 12:00

donate to specific charities it cover many and you might bit support those... Bo

pinkfrenchrose 5

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Saturday 14 March 2009 5:39

>.> Ouch

bagginzy 14

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Thursday 11 November 2010 7:30

How did you hear him say that if you were listening to music?

heyitslexx 3

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Saturday 3 March 2012 2:16

It's not like he meant to :/

pommeblossom 0

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Wednesday 18 March 2009 3:42

aw:/

HOPELESSLYxJENN 0

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Friday 15 May 2009 3:20

awh. at least it was an honest mistake.

gc_fml 0

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Friday 22 May 2009 2:07

:/ i hope you put money in for him.

BlaisOf_Fire91 0

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Monday 25 May 2009 18:41

I could see where you would do that. Personally I thought he was giving you a barf bag when I read this xD

duke_nukem_25299 0

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Sunday 18 July 2010 0:22

ur pic is amazing

dan81892 2

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Tuesday 2 June 2009 3:18

i hope you explained yourself afterwords.

justme6601 0

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Wednesday 3 June 2009 12:04

Unicef can go fuck itself, they deserve your trash and nothing more. Unicef leads to kiddy porn.

girandwogpig 0

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Wednesday 8 July 2009 1:22

ok.................

MiaLoves 8

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Tuesday 9 August 2011 21:44

Well that was nice..

mellajella 14

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Sunday 22 March 2015 15:25

11 - an ellipse is 3 periods not as many as you feel like.

kittykat1501 31

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Thursday 2 July 2015 2:28

I think 11 means "oooooaaaakkkaaayyyy..."

Amyb_fml 0

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Thursday 4 June 2009 15:08

Haha like this one, bet you felt like a heel!!

TehGirreth 0

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Tuesday 8 March 2011 18:41

Maybe not a heel; an ankle would make more sense.

Ea12thquake 0

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Friday 3 July 2009 3:41

hahahahahah ahsdgkajshd ahahahahhaaaaahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaahaahahahahhhhha