Today, my boyfriend made me a milkshake. It was pale yellow with...

By pubemilkshake - 8/12/2014 02:12 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, my boyfriend made me a milkshake. It was pale yellow with some black spots. He told me it was banana and poppy seed. After drinking it, he told me they weren't poppy seeds. They were his pubes. FML

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By wabbyfish - 14/3/2014 03:36 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, my boyfriend asked me if we were going to become "that stupid couple that sings cheesy songs to each other." I just spent the past 3 months writing the perfect song that I was planning on singing to him tonight. FML

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By Uhh - 13/6/2011 16:12 - United States

Today, I was at my sister's wedding reception. My boyfriend of 3 years decided to give a toast to the happy couple. He was drunk and confessed his undying love to my sister. FML

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By lessinterestingthanadog - 8/11/2009 05:28 - United States

Today, I invited the guy I've been seeing to my home for the first time. He spent over an hour talking to my twelve-year-old dog. Occasionally he would look up to ask me a question, but when I answered he would just continue talking to the dog. FML

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By DiskJockey - 5/8/2009 01:37 - United States

Today, I learned a valuable lesson, never leave your "Let It Be" album, which you paid $489 for on Ebay out on your desk. My brother also learned something, old records make for very breakable, one use frisbees. FML

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By ? - 20/2/2013 18:20 - United States - El Cajon

Today, my girlfriend of nine months made a huge scene in public, calling me a "cheating bastard" because she saw me with another woman at the library. That "other woman" is my Calculus tutor. FML

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By Mewsmash - 1/1/2016 16:23 - United States - Dublin

Today, my father told me he hasn't brushed his teeth for 30 years: he just wipes them with paper towels. I don't know whether to be horribly disgusted, or horribly jealous that he has never gotten a cavity. FML

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By textraped - 16/3/2009 05:26 - United States

Today, I jokingly had kinky conversation via text message with a good guy friend. He was pretending to be a stranger and was fishing for compliments and asked to have a foursome. Turns out, my friend lost his phone and I spent 2 hours talking to a pervert about what lingerie I was wearing. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/11/2009 04:04 - United States

Today, I taught my younger cousins a more effective way to brush their teeth. Tonight when I was getting them ready for bed I asked them why they weren't brushing their teeth like I taught them to. The littlest one replied "Daddy said if we do then we'll have ugly teeth like yours." FML

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By MJensen - 10/5/2016 21:57 - Denmark - Herlev

Today, I wanted to be nice to my boyfriend and buy him a cake. Not only did I drop it in the bus, when I got home I forgot that I'd put it on my bed, and sat on it. FML

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By StairwayToEvan92 - 24/9/2018 13:30

Today, I ran over a recently-killed skunk in the road. My truck now smells absolutely rancid, and the smell will probably last for months. At least it goes well with my dog, who was also skunked 6 weeks ago. FML

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By FML - 8/12/2013 18:00 - Puerto Rico - Cayey

Today, my dad came home drunk off his ass. So drunk that he couldn't manage to open the refrigerator, and ended up punching it in a fit of rage. When I tried to calm him down and get him to bed, he told me to fuck off, and grounded me. FML

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By horniness - 10/10/2009 16:30 - Hong Kong

Today, I was in a bad mood after being stuck in traffic for 2 hours and late for work. I was walking to my building when I saw a 100 dollar note flying my way. A man called after me for it, but being selfish I took the note in my pocket as a little reward. That man was my boss. Yes, I'm fired. FML

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By thornrose22 - 1/11/2009 00:22 - United States

Today, my boyfriend went down on me for the first time. After about five minutes, he sneezes violently on me. I don't know what's worse, him getting snot all over my intimate bits or the fact that the sneeze felt better then what he was doing. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/5/2019 06:00

Today, I went on a Tinder date with a guy who said, "Good girl" whenever I said anything that he agreed with. FML

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By karmamaybe - 3/12/2012 20:35 - United States - Vermillion

Today, I was slapped across the face by a girl in the waiting room at the dentist's office. She thought I was taking a picture of her breasts with my phone. I was smiling while reading other people's FMLs. FML

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By Alice - 24/10/2012 16:52 - United Kingdom

Today, I passed out while I was with my boyfriend in his garden. I woke up on the concrete just outside his house. Apparently, he'd tried to carry me in, but because he was too weak, he gave up and went to watch TV. FML

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By sandysmith - 18/2/2012 15:49 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was at my house to hang out. When he was leaving I thought it would be cute to run and jump on him to say goodbye. He fell and hit his head. He is now in the hospital with a concussion. FML

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By Tristan - 30/7/2020 02:01

Send message

Today, while messaging a possible new hire to set up an interview at my retail job, I meant to say, "Thank you for being flexible" - in regards to scheduling. Instead, it autocorrected to, "Thank you for being delicious." FML

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By cc - 24/11/2009 05:03 - United States

Today, I was talking to my boyfriend about how I'm self conscious about my weight. He looks at me and says, "Don't worry babe, I've always been kind of a chubby chaser." FML

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By apparantlyStupid - 27/6/2012 23:28 - Canada - Okotoks

Today, I confronted my daughter about the various drug-associated items I found in her room. She then confronted me about going in her room and invading her privacy, to the point where I forgot the main issue and apologised to her. I just got outsmarted by a teenage pothead. FML

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By AlienZ - 12/4/2009 02:44 - United States

Today, my parents asked if I wanted to go to military school so I said, "Yeah, that would be awesome," thinking it was a joke. They weren't joking. FML

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By THANKS4theINFO - 23/5/2010 23:15 - United States

Today, I was watching a movie at my girlfriend's house with her and her parents. There was a part where a brother and sister kissed, so I said "where'd they come from, Alabama?" Today is also the day I found out my girlfriend's parents are from Alabama. FML

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By I suck :( - 7/5/2014 21:25 - United States - Louisville

Today, I was trolling on a My Little Pony forum. I was midway through typing a big post, calling them all a bunch of attention-seeking losers who act like morons because their parents never loved them, when I broke down in tears, realizing I'd just perfectly described myself. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/12/2009 20:18 - United States

Today, I went to the ice cream shop after dinner. I am deathly allergic to nuts so I picked the vanilla. I take one bite and feel something crunchy, and see what I thought was an almond in the cup. I spit out the icecream in a panic. Good news? It wasn't an almond. Bad news? It was a cockroach. FML

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By - 5/12/2018 21:00 - United Kingdom

Today me and my boyfriend were in an adventurous sexual position and as I started to orgasm he slipped, landed awkwardly and dislocated both my hips, while I was in the middle of an orgasm. Somehow the pleasure of the orgasm made the pain worse. I don't think I'll ever want sex again. FML

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By Raw - 25/1/2017 14:00

Today, I shoveled snow at work. I had to because my co-workers refused to "get sick." I told my co-workers if anyone needs me, just tell them I'm shoveling snow. Our boss asked for me and they said that I left without punching. This also happened when I went out to water the flowers in the summer. FML

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By epistaxis - 2/2/2009 00:43 - Australia

Today, I am staying with my grandmother and overheard her having phone sex. FML

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By bloodyfreakinawful - 14/12/2012 06:40 - United States - Seabrook

Today, in class, I reached into my bag to pull out a tampon, which I hid under my sleeve so I could make a quick escape to the restroom. My teacher yelled at me, because she thought I'd taken out my phone. I then had to prove myself by showing the tampon to the whole class. FML

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By mr_p - 1/11/2010 19:39 - United States

Today, I was waiting to take a dump in a gas station restroom. A 300 pound man walked out, shook his head, and said "I'm sorry" to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/11/2010 05:57 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend confessed that he felt so insecure he submerged my $80 vibrator in water to eliminate the competition. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/7/2013 15:58 - United Kingdom - Westbury

Today, I couldn't move without people talking to me about the "Royal Baby". It's like it's actually going to have an effect on my life. FML

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By Rrae - 25/2/2019 02:00

Today, I'm at the ER for my first ever UTI and potential other "down there" issues. Yesterday I got married. FML

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By ugh. - 21/4/2019 07:00 - United States - Palo Alto

Today, after waiting two months to attend a very important course, I finally got to go. This is the same day I caught a horrible cold, got Auntie Flow’s monthly visit, my IBS flared up, and my acid reflux as well. So here I go, crampy, constipated, congested, and gassy. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/3/2019 12:00

Today, I went to the location of me and my wife’s first date, because I miss her and barely get to see her because of our work schedules. Only to see her there on a date. FML

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By DJ Clitter - 16/4/2012 19:35 - United States

Today, I was in the car with my daughter, when I narrowly missed hitting a car after running a stop sign. After she screamed at me and demanded to know what I was doing, I had to admit that I'd been daydreaming about David Bowie. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/1/2016 02:21 - Canada - Saint-laurent

Today, my 17 year old told me he wanted to pursue a career in art. Knowing he's extremely talented at drawing, I congratulated him and told him to pursue that dream. A few hours later I learn that he's been arrested for spray painting graffiti dicks all over a school wall. Well, he's famous now. FML

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By nokitchenforme - 3/12/2010 05:18 - Canada

Today, I overheard my mother telling a friend she got me oven mitts for Christmas. I got her two cruise tickets. I hate to cook. Which she knows. FML

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By atetoeate - 27/8/2010 06:49 - United States

Today, while trying to give an immunization to a "special" 13-year-old, I got spit on, kicked, almost bitten, and had a chair thrown at me. When it was all over, I flinched when the patient tried to hug me. Her mom called me a "b*tch" and I later found out she wasn't a "special" child. FML

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By notenough - 29/8/2009 04:27 - United States

Today, I was on the webcam with my boyfriend. I could see that he was on the couch, and alone, so I took off my shirt and smiled, waiting to see his reaction. He smiled at me but then kept looking in another direction. I playfully asked "What's so distracting?" His answer: "History Channel". FML

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By scared shitless in ohio - 25/9/2013 20:02 - United States - Dublin

Today, I decided to be friendly and say hi to the weird kid at school, who was sitting by himself eating lunch. After I said hello, he stared up at me intensely and said, "I don't have many friends. Yeah. Mainly 'cause I've eaten most of them." FML

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Top comments

By NeoMatrix25 | 12

#6138718 - Monday 8 December 2014 9:03

Girls milkshakes may bring all the boys to the yard, but his milkshake will bring her nausea and nightmares

By 3051628 | 24

#6138717 - Monday 8 December 2014 9:03

That's completely filthy and uncalled for, I'm sorry you were tricked into all of that. Hopefully you can have a discussion with him and make sure something like that doesn't happen again OP.

COMMENTS

By Dillyduzit | 23

#6138716 - Monday 8 December 2014 9:02

Sounds like you really upset him, OP. Or he has a sick sense of humor.

PennyLane27 | 32

#6138751 - Monday 8 December 2014 9:42

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard!

Gemma_Mansonite | 20

#6138971 - Monday 8 December 2014 17:05

No, OP's boyfriend is just sick and twisted

Joestarry | 8

#6139043 - Monday 8 December 2014 18:53

no her boyfriend is just creative :^)

mzcupcakez | 20

#6139152 - Monday 8 December 2014 20:35

#79- Omg no. it's just plain disgusting.

smudgey_bubbles_ | 8

#6139191 - Monday 8 December 2014 21:24

they're like "it's better than yours!"

gpg5 | 18

#6139450 - Tuesday 9 December 2014 5:22

I thought we all agreed to never be creative again

SaharaZinc | 14

#6139506 - Tuesday 9 December 2014 7:21

No, it sounds like she needs a new boyfriend.

jeepers_1 | 21

#6140054 - Wednesday 10 December 2014 2:45

I could teach you but I'd have to charge.

By 3051628 | 24

#6138717 - Monday 8 December 2014 9:03

That's completely filthy and uncalled for, I'm sorry you were tricked into all of that. Hopefully you can have a discussion with him and make sure something like that doesn't happen again OP.

chlorinegreen | 27

#6138812 - Monday 8 December 2014 11:40

It probably won't since I hope they won't be together anymore. I would be done at that point. Whether he did it to be funny or not that crosses a VERY big line for me. Ew.

Kyp_kingofhearts | 12

#6141112 - Thursday 11 December 2014 8:36

My question is why tf would he do that? That's really immature and unnecessary.

By NeoMatrix25 | 12

#6138718 - Monday 8 December 2014 9:03

Girls milkshakes may bring all the boys to the yard, but his milkshake will bring her nausea and nightmares

901_khad | 10

#6138776 - Monday 8 December 2014 10:19

That was better than the original post. kmsl

lil_ham1644 | 29

#6138958 - Monday 8 December 2014 16:33

Kmsl?

Kielnmsoftly | 26

#6139080 - Monday 8 December 2014 19:38

Means Kieling Me Softly ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

foxwasalamb | 24

#6139174 - Monday 8 December 2014 21:00

kill me so loud?
kissing my soft leg?

babygirl6214 | 19

#6139313 - Tuesday 9 December 2014 1:37

killed my sides laughing??

Ichiya | 29

#6139316 - Tuesday 9 December 2014 1:40

Koalas make sex lazily

One_Way | 43

#6417209 - Tuesday 22 September 2015 23:24

Kahlua makes Spaniards loopy?

By cmchappy | 25

#6138719 - Monday 8 December 2014 9:04

I'm inside of you Brian

Grenith | 21

#6139225 - Monday 8 December 2014 22:25

Perfect reference.

cmchappy | 25

#6139279 - Tuesday 9 December 2014 0:08

I'm guessing your new here but thanks next time just give it a like:)

Hiimhaileypotter | 52

#6139358 - Tuesday 9 December 2014 2:53

Wow #118, you must be new here; you're not the comment police.

Seriously, though, WTF was up with that comment? Pretty rude.

Harpy20 | 24

#6139457 - Tuesday 9 December 2014 5:31

Noobs calling other noobs new...

PoshChip | 9

#6139510 - Tuesday 9 December 2014 7:35

Love the shirt bro

cmchappy | 25

#6139534 - Tuesday 9 December 2014 9:01

If I was trying to be rude why would I say thanks

By HilarityOfLife | 8

#6138721 - Monday 8 December 2014 9:04

Oh gross...

By Dave_Davington | 33

#6138724 - Monday 8 December 2014 9:06

Why the fuck would you do that?!

By jpsullivan | 36

#6138726 - Monday 8 December 2014 9:06

Bake him poop brownies. Then dump him.

Crazynopantsman | 11

#6138843 - Monday 8 December 2014 12:28

I see what you did there.

AlwaysWatching | 27

#6139252 - Monday 8 December 2014 22:54

Unless he likes that or something. Who knows what was going through his head

KittyLahv | 27

#6139337 - Tuesday 9 December 2014 2:06

"Eat my shit!"

KK3137 | 31

#6139583 - Tuesday 9 December 2014 11:20

That was the best scene!

krumpus | 1

#6156774 - Monday 29 December 2015 0:46

This is the only comment on here that makes any sense whatsoever.

By Sunflower1919 | 19

#6138727 - Monday 8 December 2014 9:07

Surely you'd notice it contained long curly hairs rather than little black seeds before you drank it?!

AdmiralGrammar | 4

#6138738 - Monday 8 December 2014 9:17

I would expect so. Most likely it WAS poppyseed and OP's boyfriend said it as a joke, then OP turned out to be extremely gullible.

feelingold | 18

#6138785 - Monday 8 December 2014 10:28

You just cut em reeeeeeal short.

kewpiesuicide | 29

#6138915 - Monday 8 December 2014 15:00

Is nobody else concerned that poppyseeds are much thicker than hairs? If they were pubes, how thick do they have to be for her to be convinced that they were seeds??