Today, my boyfriend made me a milkshake. It was pale yellow with...

By pubemilkshake - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, my boyfriend made me a milkshake. It was pale yellow with some black spots. He told me it was banana and poppy seed. After drinking it, he told me they weren't poppy seeds. They were his pubes. FML

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Love

Small town blues

And probably giggling

Deadly cocktail

By FoodyFood - Australia - Adelaide

Today, I told my daughter that she should put some love into her cooking. She started kissing the ingredients. FML

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By Mylifeisaboldandbeautifulepisode

Today, I was telling a close friend about the devastating discovery of my husband’s cheating. Turns out, she may be giving my children a half-sister for Christmas. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/5/2020 05:00 - Australia

Jaws

Today, I was violently sick. There was so much vomit forcing itself out that I dislocated my jaw. I continued throwing up with a dislocated jaw for an hour or so. FML

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2012

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110

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By alphabetman - United States

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. Thinking I was being cute I spelled out "Marry Me" in alphabet soup, because that's her favorite. She took one look at it and started to laugh. She then began to spell out "no". She still ate the soup. FML

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45840

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By fucking fuck off - United States

Today, a customer gave me hell because a high-spec game he bought wouldn't run on his ancient Windows XP PC. I ended up having to profusely apologize and refund him. Whoever coined the phrase "the customer is always right" should probably be shot, run over by a bus, then shot a few more times. FML

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By kashish0711 - India

Today, I was at home, my mom came and saw me holding what she thought was a glass of beer. She took the glass, threw it and slapped me for drinking it. I was drinking Apple Juice. FML

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By JoshuaRob - United States

Today, I got excited because a snowman I had built lasted a whole week, which is uncommon in my mild climate area. I thought myself lucky, and that my life was turning around. Then I realized how lame my whole train of thought was. FML

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By MCKilllerrr - United States

Today, the girl I really liked started talking to me, so I asked her out on a date. After waiting an hour at the theatre, I texted her asking where she was. She replied with, "Oh! You were serious about the date?!" FML

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By A troubled ex med school student - United States - Dublin

Today, I attended my first surgery as part of my program at med school. I found out that when I see someone's intestines, I vomit. Even if I'm still wearing a surgical mask. There goes the thousands of dollars I spent on college. FML

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By caroline - Germany

Today, I decided it was time to have "the talk" with my daughter, after I found a thong in the washing machine. She denied it was hers and pointed out how it was too big to fit her. I ended up having a very different talk with my son. FML

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By Quiteannoyed - Finland - M?nts?l

Today, I received several texts congratulating me on my pregnancy. It turns out that my husband announced he is going to be a father on Facebook, which I don't use. I'm not pregnant. FML

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By justno

Today, my best friend of 10 years blocked me for no reason. When I went to her house to ask why she did it and apologize for whatever it was, she told me to kill myself and slammed the door. I still don't know what I did. FML

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3990

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By tipmeover - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I had a job interview at a café. The interviewer asked me my availability and I told her that I was fully flexible. She laughed and said, "Really? That's tragic." FML

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By Weightlosshereicome - United States - Oxford

Today, Snapchat thought my double chin was a mouth. FML

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15157

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4397

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By paris78 - Canada

Today, a person came into McDonald's, where I work. They ordered a happy meal. As they were an adult, I assumed the meal was for their child, who wasn't with them. When I asked if the toy was for a boy or a girl, they said the toy was for them. I still had to ask if it was for a boy or a girl. FML

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37804

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By steven - Canada

Today, my friend said he'd give me 20 bucks if I would ask out the ugliest girl in school. I did it. She rejected me. FML

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20948

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend trying to put his penis in a hole in our bedroom wall. FML

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36778

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5374

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By tommy - United States

Today, I called my friend in Australia to have a nice long chat, what I did not know was that my dad had removed my international calling plan, I talked to my friend for 5 hours, and ran up a huge phone bill, which I have to take out of the money I saved up to go see her. FML

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52026

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By ellisp1

Today, my family was going to go out on a boat to celebrate Independence Day. We agreed we'd be at the marina by 11:45 AM. It's currently 1:45 PM and half of the family is still asleep while two are nursing hangovers. FML

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4101

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By failing - United States - Greenbelt

Today, my grandpa passed away. The only emotion my dad showed was anger, because my grandpa owed my dad money. Now he wants to take it from my grandma, like he's some sort of mobster. FML

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25281

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By Casdmo

Today, the person who is supposed to train me at my new job left the country for a week due to a family emergency. I can't start until they return. This pushes my first paycheck back a pay period, two weeks later than expected. I'm already broke. FML

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4013

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By 1234 - Canada

Classy

Today, it was my wedding day. I had my butt clenched during the ceremony. I was giving my husband the ring, but dropped it. When I went to retrieve it, I let a huge one rip. My husband yelled, "She likes to eat beans." FML

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61443

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By Bisounours - France

Today, I went to see the new Harry Potter movie with my boyfriend. Feeling an intense need to pee, he decided to sacrifice a few minutes of the movie before the highly-anticipated final combat to get some relief. He went through the wrong door, locking himself out. Right until the end. FML

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13728

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By crap car - United States - Golden

Today, a friend was making fun of our teacher's car, calling it dorkmobile and saying only idiots would own that car. It's the same as the car I just bought. FML

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By Oddy - 17/11/2020 05:02 - Italy

Keep your distance

Today, I travelled by myself for the first time. I was seated next to a middle-aged man who was trying to convince me that I was his soulmate, kept touching my face and sniffing me. I'm 19 and it was a 6 hour flight. FML

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By Pop_Pies - Australia

Today, I had been working at the checkout for over 5 hours. Slighty tired while serving a customer, my eye accidentally twitched and I gave him a wink, he smiled and winked back. When I finished work 2 hours later he was outside, waiting for me, and followed me to my car, still smiling. FML

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52944

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I swam in a race against all of the girls in the midwest in the hardest, longest, most grueling race you can swim. I won. Happy but so tired I could barely move, I looked up to see my time. I had been disqualified. For flinching. Before the race started. FML

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84537

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By Anonymous - Reserved

Today, my husband told me I was lucky to have someone who would love me no matter what my vagina smelled like. FML

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By Lordofdance

Today, the only way my newborn sleeps is if I dance around with him strapped to me. Six hours and counting. FML

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2809

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453

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By yingyang2 - United States

Today, I have been teaching my 5 year-old step-daughter how to read and write. She came bounding up to me with a piece of paper and said, "look what I did". It was a letter that said "My dad misses my real mommy, not you". FML

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37061

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By Taylor - United States

Today, my sister and I had a bonding moment. It consisted of me plucking her chin hairs. FML

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24886

You deserved it

5570

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By screwedupfuck - United States - Lowell

Today, I was at a big meeting at work. The CEO was reaming the hell out of us for our recent poor profits, when I accidentally let rip a vile fart. I was then subjected to a 10 minute tirade of abuse for "trying to be a funny man", and told that whatever small chance I had for a promotion is now gone. FML

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27363

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By Da Boss - Canada - Calgary

Today, my coworker and I agreed to come clean and tell our fellow employees that we have been secretly dating for a while. Before we could, I received a promotion. I am now his boss. FML

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13812

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By Ulysse - United Kingdom

Today, I have my new iPod Touch, and I'm walking down the street. Since it's really cold, I'm wearing gloves. At some point, I want to change the song, and don't want to remove my gloves. I try changing the song with my nose, for about 3 minutes, until I realize I look really stupid. FML

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7211

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By Noname - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were choosing animals that reminded us of eachother. I said he reminded me of a tiger because he is really muscular. He told me I reminded him of a zebra. When I asked him why, he said it was because of my stretchmarks. FML

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82942

You deserved it

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By mommyfairy - United States

Today, I realized that my boss is able to read all the emails my coworker and I send each other. Most of them are about how she is such a shitty boss. FML

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11112

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By Homeless? - United Kingdom - Gloucester

Today, I have been vomiting for 4 days. Tomorrow, my landlord is insisting on inspecting my flat. I now either have to clean my house whilst trying not to throw up all around it, or fail my inspection. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11024

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By Narehs - United States

Today, I was the only cash register open at the local supermarket. I had to sell condoms and chocolate frosting to my ex. FML

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30069

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By gerligrl97 - United States

Today, along with my virginity, my boyfriend took my laptop, iPhone, TV, and most of the food in my fridge. FML

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55922

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By hotboxed

Today, while we were sleeping, my girlfriend and I rolled to opposite sides of the bed. When I woke up, I moved closer and wrapped my arm around her. Her response was to fart in her sleep, resulting in a smell so noxious that I had no choice but to roll back to the other side. FML

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Top comments

By NeoMatrix25 | 12

#6138718 - Monday 8 December 2014 9:03

Girls milkshakes may bring all the boys to the yard, but his milkshake will bring her nausea and nightmares

By 3051628 | 24

#6138717 - Monday 8 December 2014 9:03

That's completely filthy and uncalled for, I'm sorry you were tricked into all of that. Hopefully you can have a discussion with him and make sure something like that doesn't happen again OP.

COMMENTS

By Dillyduzit | 23

#6138716 - Monday 8 December 2014 9:02

Sounds like you really upset him, OP. Or he has a sick sense of humor.

PennyLane27 | 32

#6138751 - Monday 8 December 2014 9:42

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard!

Gemma_Mansonite | 20

#6138971 - Monday 8 December 2014 17:05

No, OP's boyfriend is just sick and twisted

Joestarry | 8

#6139043 - Monday 8 December 2014 18:53

no her boyfriend is just creative :^)

mzcupcakez | 20

#6139152 - Monday 8 December 2014 20:35

#79- Omg no. it's just plain disgusting.

smudgey_bubbles_ | 8

#6139191 - Monday 8 December 2014 21:24

they're like "it's better than yours!"

gpg5 | 18

#6139450 - Tuesday 9 December 2014 5:22

I thought we all agreed to never be creative again

SaharaZinc | 14

#6139506 - Tuesday 9 December 2014 7:21

No, it sounds like she needs a new boyfriend.

jeepers_1 | 21

#6140054 - Wednesday 10 December 2014 2:45

I could teach you but I'd have to charge.

By 3051628 | 24

#6138717 - Monday 8 December 2014 9:03

That's completely filthy and uncalled for, I'm sorry you were tricked into all of that. Hopefully you can have a discussion with him and make sure something like that doesn't happen again OP.

chlorinegreen | 27

#6138812 - Monday 8 December 2014 11:40

It probably won't since I hope they won't be together anymore. I would be done at that point. Whether he did it to be funny or not that crosses a VERY big line for me. Ew.

Kyp_kingofhearts | 12

#6141112 - Thursday 11 December 2014 8:36

My question is why tf would he do that? That's really immature and unnecessary.

By NeoMatrix25 | 12

#6138718 - Monday 8 December 2014 9:03

Girls milkshakes may bring all the boys to the yard, but his milkshake will bring her nausea and nightmares

901_khad | 10

#6138776 - Monday 8 December 2014 10:19

That was better than the original post. kmsl

lil_ham1644 | 29

#6138958 - Monday 8 December 2014 16:33

Kmsl?

Kielnmsoftly | 26

#6139080 - Monday 8 December 2014 19:38

Means Kieling Me Softly ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

foxwasalamb | 24

#6139174 - Monday 8 December 2014 21:00

kill me so loud?
kissing my soft leg?

babygirl6214 | 19

#6139313 - Tuesday 9 December 2014 1:37

killed my sides laughing??

Ichiya | 29

#6139316 - Tuesday 9 December 2014 1:40

Koalas make sex lazily

One_Way | 43

#6417209 - Tuesday 22 September 2015 23:24

Kahlua makes Spaniards loopy?

By cmchappy | 25

#6138719 - Monday 8 December 2014 9:04

I'm inside of you Brian

Grenith | 21

#6139225 - Monday 8 December 2014 22:25

Perfect reference.

cmchappy | 25

#6139279 - Tuesday 9 December 2014 0:08

I'm guessing your new here but thanks next time just give it a like:)

Hiimhaileypotter | 52

#6139358 - Tuesday 9 December 2014 2:53

Wow #118, you must be new here; you're not the comment police.

Seriously, though, WTF was up with that comment? Pretty rude.

Harpy20 | 24

#6139457 - Tuesday 9 December 2014 5:31

Noobs calling other noobs new...

PoshChip | 9

#6139510 - Tuesday 9 December 2014 7:35

Love the shirt bro

cmchappy | 25

#6139534 - Tuesday 9 December 2014 9:01

If I was trying to be rude why would I say thanks

By HilarityOfLife | 8

#6138721 - Monday 8 December 2014 9:04

Oh gross...

By Dave_Davington | 33

#6138724 - Monday 8 December 2014 9:06

Why the fuck would you do that?!

By jpsullivan | 36

#6138726 - Monday 8 December 2014 9:06

Bake him poop brownies. Then dump him.

Crazynopantsman | 11

#6138843 - Monday 8 December 2014 12:28

I see what you did there.

AlwaysWatching | 27

#6139252 - Monday 8 December 2014 22:54

Unless he likes that or something. Who knows what was going through his head

KittyLahv | 27

#6139337 - Tuesday 9 December 2014 2:06

"Eat my shit!"

KK3137 | 31

#6139583 - Tuesday 9 December 2014 11:20

That was the best scene!

krumpus | 1

#6156774 - Monday 29 December 2015 0:46

This is the only comment on here that makes any sense whatsoever.

By Sunflower1919 | 19

#6138727 - Monday 8 December 2014 9:07

Surely you'd notice it contained long curly hairs rather than little black seeds before you drank it?!

AdmiralGrammar | 4

#6138738 - Monday 8 December 2014 9:17

I would expect so. Most likely it WAS poppyseed and OP's boyfriend said it as a joke, then OP turned out to be extremely gullible.

feelingold | 18

#6138785 - Monday 8 December 2014 10:28

You just cut em reeeeeeal short.

kewpiesuicide | 29

#6138915 - Monday 8 December 2014 15:00

Is nobody else concerned that poppyseeds are much thicker than hairs? If they were pubes, how thick do they have to be for her to be convinced that they were seeds??