Love: Today, my boyfriend left for a month-long trip with his buddies....

By kissless - 10/10/2009 19:04 - United States

Today, my boyfriend left for a month-long trip with his buddies. I stood near the door waiting for a goodbye kiss. He kissed his xbox goodbye instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 357

You deserved it 5 857

Love

Compromises

Give me strength

TMI

By Anonymous - 08/09/2014 10:55 - Australia - Perth

Today, I was told by my teacher that she had 'given up' teaching me because someone had told her I have a mental illness, and that I don't understand what she says. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 440

You deserved it 3 838

By DemiRawrs - 01/05/2013 17:23 - United States

Today, my mom accused me of being pregnant. She wouldn't believe me when I told her I'm a virgin, and she challenged me to take a pregnancy test. It came back with a false positive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 564

You deserved it 4 685

By Jamestown of Vagina - 13/09/2014 14:36 - United States - Houston

Today, I had an important oral report to deliver with a partner. Not only did he come in late and high, he pronounced Virginia as "Vagina" the whole way through. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 605

You deserved it 3 710

By Anonymous - 19/11/2017 06:00

Today, in the middle of sex, I was desperate for a fart but tried to hold it in so we weren't forced to stop halfway. Unfortunately, I accidentally let the fart escape, along with runny diarrhea all over my husbands legs and groin. The smell caused him to vomit all over me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 398

You deserved it 2 741

By Anonymous - 10/04/2013 09:06 - United States

Today, I was riding a new horse when a lawnmower starting up spooked her. She jumped straight up in the air and I landed directly on the saddle horn. I can't walk or feel anything between my legs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 939

You deserved it 4 200

By Colby - 15/11/2013 16:59 - Canada - Saint John

Today, I watched my mother tell a man that the holocaust was "a good thing" and "necessary for population control". That man was my girlfriend's father. Who is Jewish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 510

You deserved it 3 745

By SupaSu - 02/04/2009 05:35 - Canada

Today, I passed the girl I like a note asking her out, signed Mark H. She picked it up, read it, turned around and asked me, "Do you know who Mark H. is?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 74 675

You deserved it 7 898

By Anonymous - 12/07/2013 04:36 - United States - New Orleans

Today, I got lost, and eventually noticed that I'd passed by the same house a few times. Apparently somebody who lives on that street noticed as well, because the next time I passed by, the police were waiting for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 929

You deserved it 4 334

By Anonymous - 11/02/2011 15:46 - United States

Today, I watched my grandfather try and park his car inside the storage area for shopping carts, thinking it was a parking space. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 363

You deserved it 3 504

By Anonymous - 02/12/2015 10:41 - South Africa - Johannesburg

Today, after working my ass off for months trying to prove myself, I received an email from my boss regarding the end-year function. Excited to be invited, I opened the email just to see I'm the only one being left behind to answer the phones. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 289

You deserved it 1 614

By 50sStyle - 12/06/2017 19:00 - United States - Hartland

Today, during lunch, I choked on my food and possibly came close to death when my boyfriend's best friend performed the Heimlich Maneuver on me, potentially saving my life. My boyfriend then started arguing with me over letting his best friend touch my stomach. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 502

You deserved it 402

By Nish - 30/10/2013 00:41 - United States - Kent

Today, I got my cats a new scratching post. They completely ignored it and tore apart the new felt on my pool table. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 114

You deserved it 5 075

By wooed - 03/12/2009 03:15 - United States

Today, I found out that my boyfriend of 2 months has been faking his southern accent. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 487

You deserved it 9 012

By IHaveTwoOwies - 06/10/2017 13:00

Today, I pinched a nerve in my shoulder while pulling the bedcovers higher in the morning. After excruciating pain all day, I climbed back into bed at night, twisting my knee in the process. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 020

You deserved it 372

By Anonymous - 09/09/2018 14:30

Today, based on recent x-rays, I have the right knee of a 60-year-old, the left knee of a 70-year-old, and the right hip joint of a 100-year-old who's been dead for 15 years. I'm only 19 years old and my doctor says I'm gonna need two walking sticks by the time I'm 25. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 381

You deserved it 159

By Anonymous - 15/02/2014 22:44 - United States - Carlisle

Today, I told my husband how frisky I was feeling, and asked him what he was going to do about it. He reached into our fruit bowl, tossed me a banana and told me to work it out, then returned to his video game. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 662

You deserved it 8 770

Death Grips

By Anonymous - 03/03/2020 20:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I knew my girlfriend's dad owned a security company. What I did not know was that he treats his employees like family, so my girlfriend has about 40 scary uncles who’ve known her since she was a baby, and most of them are ex-military. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 009

You deserved it 357

Close Zoom, quick sharp

By Slow Down - 29/10/2020 13:01 - United Kingdom - Hounslow

Today, I had a first date via video, due to Covid. It was the first time a girl had asked me out, and she seemed very enthusiastic. Until she started to worry me by throwing in the L-word about 10 minutes in, and talking about our wedding. I've never even met this person in real life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 121

You deserved it 114

By Bitchjackedmyball - 12/09/2012 08:52 - United States - Kihei

Today, I had just bought a new $60 basketball and decided to go try it out. Five minutes into playing, the ball decided to roll into the hands of a little girl, who then said, "Mine". I thought it was cute, until she skipped over to her parent's car and they drove off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 459

You deserved it 5 532

By Moanie - 15/03/2009 22:45 - United States

Today, my parents were taking a tour of my apartment when my bird started making noises. It was mimicking my moans from when I was having sex yesterday. It was screaming in my voice, very noticeably. FML

I agree, your life sucks 79 233

You deserved it 29 460

Thanks, I hate it

By I'm Trading Up For A Dog - 14/12/2014 20:28 - Finland - Pori

Today, I finished a painting I'd spent 3 weeks working on for an exhibition. When I came back from lunch, my cat was perched above it on my desk. He looked at me, then down at the painting, then jumped down onto it. He slipped and smeared the wet paint everywhere, ruining the whole thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 625

You deserved it 6 209

By Anonymous - 21/01/2012 20:38 - United States

Today, I'm so broke that when I got out of the shower, I had to slowly dry myself off with a ShamWow sample I received in the mail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 208

You deserved it 4 651

By frmitalywithlove - 11/01/2011 04:11 - United States

Today, my coworker thought it would be funny to throw my keys up onto the top shelf in storage. I'm 4'10. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 583

You deserved it 4 046

Best day of my life

By poorgirl - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my dad threw up on my dress. My wedding dress. While he was walking me down the aisle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 165

You deserved it 3 458

By Username - 29/05/2011 04:41 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because of something I said 2 years ago, as a joke. I guess she took a while to get it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 117

You deserved it 8 174

Go forth and NOT multiply

By MirandaKristine - 06/03/2020 12:31 - United States - Miami

Today, my dad handed me my refilled birth control prescription. I thanked him, and he replied, "Well, God forbid you run out and reproduce." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 287

You deserved it 305

Sneaky dad

By say no to dick - 18/04/2014 22:56 - Australia - Newcastle

Today, I found out that my father faked his whole "mid-life crisis", just so he could gain my trust and get me to admit that I smoke weed, and to tell him who I buy it from. Hello year-long grounding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 698

You deserved it 43 504

By angry - 04/11/2009 18:51 - United Kingdom

Today, I was on webcam with my girlfriend, who was naked. She turned the webcam to point it at the screen for a second, and she was also on webcam with another guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 508

You deserved it 3 209

By nahalDZ - 20/10/2012 17:29 - Germany - K?ln

Today, my girlfriend tried to wake me with a handjob. Because I'm a very light sleeper, I woke straight away and instinctively punched whoever was touching my dick. She forgave me, but I don't think her father ever will once he finds out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 421

You deserved it 5 301

By Anonymous - 24/08/2016 03:07 - United States - Dover

Today, I was helping my Grandfather to sort through tubs and bins after cleaning out his attic, and I had to move a 50lb bin downstairs. That's when the dog thought it would be funny to block the top of the stairs as I was going down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 613

You deserved it 983

By jswag2004 - 11/12/2019 01:00 - United States - Elgin

Today, I finally got the guts to ask out my crush. She said yes and I was really happy. Then I woke up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 832

You deserved it 339

By crazyattracts - 31/07/2016 05:53 - United States - Simi Valley

Today, my new girlfriend canceled my badly needed haircut appointment. She feels that having my female hairstylist wash and cut my hair involves "too much touching" and "counts as cheating." FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 705

You deserved it 1 977

Do your own research

By Anonymous - 10/04/2021 13:01 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I got yelled at for 10 minutes by my head of department for failing one of my students for plagiarism, because, "we can't be sure." It was my work he plagiarised, but because it's not in our system, it doesn't count. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 336

You deserved it 77

Amityville

By bumpinthenight - 20/04/2020 08:00

Today, I was painting my new house when my neighbor introduced himself. Mid-conversation, he said, "The lady who lived here was nice, but just couldn't get over her husband hanging himself in the garage. Or her son shooting himself in the basement." I'll never sleep again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 918

You deserved it 317

By nottananny - 21/07/2009 08:49 - United States

Today, I realized why I was hired to be a nanny. Apparently the husband had eyes for the last nanny. According to the wife I am not attractive enough to be a threat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 607

You deserved it 3 509

By Anonymous - 23/10/2011 20:35 - Netherlands

Today, I told my boyfriend I wouldn't be able to get any time off work to go to Mexico with him, and that we'd have to get our tickets refunded, and reschedule. He said not to bother, and that he already had someone else in mind to take with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 616

You deserved it 5 539

By Deirbhile - 03/05/2009 16:40 - United States

Today, I overheard my dad's friend complaining to my dad that his new baby boy is a ginger. I continued listening, and heard my dad saying, "Yeah, there's nothing worse than having a ginger." I'm his daughter. I'm a ginger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 716

You deserved it 7 051

By Poopamus - 23/04/2019 14:00

Today, the police showed up at my door asking if I told this creepy guy stalking my girlfriend that I'll chop him up and bury each piece in a different country if he doesn't stop bothering my girl. I told them I did, along with an explanation. Turns out, he's been missing since that day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 077

You deserved it 576

By PmS - 08/03/2009 07:16 - United States

Today, I was going over to my friends house for dinner, (it was my birthday) when I walked in everyone yelled surprise and then turned on the lights. When my friend looked over at me she said "wrong person guys, turn off the lights". FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 561

You deserved it 3 324

By Anonymous - 15/09/2014 15:51 - United States - West Newton

Today, I babysat a 10 year old from hell. She kept insulting me, saying I have tiny boobs, that boys must hate me, and that I'm ugly. I eventually got fed up and put her to bed. When her parents came back, she ran out of her room in tears and told them I'd beaten her. They believed it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 064

You deserved it 2 926

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Top comments

lol69_fml 0

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Saturday 10 October 2009 23:05

Sell his xbox and buy a wii. That'll piss him off

Daaniellee1234 8

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Saturday 10 October 2009 23:06

Ahahaha. Not gunna lie, I would probebly kiss my xbox goodbye to.

that_guy321 2

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Saturday 10 October 2009 23:02

ouch.

Gasoares22 0

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Saturday 10 October 2009 23:56

Classic Guy LMAO

Sun_Kissed18 25

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Sunday 11 October 2009 0:19

"Classic Guy"?? Hm.. maybe all of the guys I know are the rare, non-asshole guys.

GuerillaRated 0

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Sunday 11 October 2009 4:42

First of all: Classic Guy? I have never met a dude that would kiss his xbox over his girl. And second: I understand where he's coming from a little bit. Hey, the xbox let's him win sometimes and never suffocates him with stories that branch out into 75 other ones, last longer than the "Titanic" and have less of a point than a Dubya speech. (and far less entertainment value)

GreenHacker 0

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Sunday 11 October 2009 6:42

The XBox is probably a better kisser.

VD007 0

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Sunday 11 October 2009 15:42

I'm sure there are millions of non-assholish guys in this planet. You just seem to fall for the assholish guys because those are the only ones that you actually ever pay attention too.

VD007 0

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Sunday 11 October 2009 15:46

Sorry, sun-kissed18, I meant to reply to the OP, I clicked reply on your comment by accident... :S

hippo23 0

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Friday 2 April 2010 3:32

a man has his priorities

asmb100 27

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Saturday 12 April 2014 10:40

If I was leaving for a month long trip, I'd either take the Xbox and kiss the girlfriend, or take the girlfriend and kiss the Xbox.

lovebugg1234 0

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Saturday 10 October 2009 23:03

ermm. new boyfriend? loll. but this is really not that bad. maybe he was just being cute

HeXr 22

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Wednesday 7 April 2010 5:39

how is that cute...?

ZleveL 0

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Saturday 22 May 2010 8:01

the same way your tits are ;) oh wait.. that doesn't make sense

asmb100 27

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Saturday 12 April 2014 10:41

Hitting on girls on FML? Really? Actually, I wonder if that works. Tell me how it turns out.

lol69_fml 0

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Saturday 10 October 2009 23:05

Sell his xbox and buy a wii. That'll piss him off

Faithful_Jewel 0

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Saturday 10 October 2009 23:06

This had me laughing more than the FML. *Throws a basket of virtual cookies*

sexxxtacy 0

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Saturday 10 October 2009 23:40

the phrase cruel and unusual punishment comes to mind wit that suggestion

fringle 0

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Sunday 11 October 2009 5:00

Haha! I'd totally do that. But, I already have a Wii :/. But again I don't kiss it! He must have some lead on his lips now... knowing how much of it they put in almost everything. He's gonna die of lead poisoning. Then you'll be sawry! Fhl for kissing xboxes, that's rather disturbing.