Today, my boyfriend called my cell. I picked up and said "Hi,... - FML

By Lisa - 2/1/2010 07:02 - United States

Today, my boyfriend called my cell. I picked up and said "Hi, this is Lisa and I want you to fuck me raw". It was my dad. He was at my boyfriend's parent's house and forgot his phone. FML

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Gas giant

That'll be Kevin in accounting

TMI

By Joey - 4/6/2016 18:52 - United States - Apo

Today, I took my girlfriend to her ex boyfriend's apartment for her to exchange his spare car keys for some of her grandmothers items. I waited outside in the parking lot for an hour, with no idea which door was his. She came out no longer a virgin. FML

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By me - 29/8/2012 04:19 - United States - Roseau

Today, I came home from work to find my house was flooded from a broken pipe under the sink. My house had just recently had new wood floors, carpet and electrics installed because 6 months earlier my house had been flooded by the same pipe breaking. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/2/2017 00:00 - Canada

Not how it works...

Today, my classmate told me she can copy an article from the internet and hand that in, as long as she cites it at the end. FML

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By Anoymous - 9/6/2013 06:02 - United States - Burlingame

Today, after telling my mother-in-law about my recent miscarriage, she cheerfully made a cake to celebrate. FML

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By shut_up - 21/8/2013 14:08 - United States - Roseburg

Today, after I had watched a few videos of myself, I realized the sound of my own voice is the single most annoying thing I have ever heard. FML

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By Little Miss Fucket - 13/6/2014 21:07 - United States - Fort Worth

Today, I found out my husband has a fake Facebook account that he uses to add guys and live a double life as some kind of "gamer chick". This would be disturbing enough, even if he hadn't used pictures of me to give a face to his alter ego. FML

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By zzdug - 8/2/2010 03:19 - United States

Today, I got mauled by a cat named Mr. Sprinkles. FML

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By cwell88 - 21/6/2015 13:29

Today, my bike was stolen. These things happen so I went to work. On my walk to work a girl pulls up on my bike and says I need to fix the brakes, someone could kill themselves. Hands the bike to me and runs off. Not even 3 minutes pass as police surround me and accuse me of stealing my own bike. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/7/2012 04:25 - Denmark - Frederiksberg

Today, while getting ready to go to bed, I told my boyfriend that I feel depressed due to the lack of intimacy in our relationship. His response was to roll over, fall asleep, and send a deadly fart my way. FML

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By Foxy17 - 16/8/2020 20:01

Never engage with psychos

Today, in a convenience store, I asked a girl who wasn't wearing her mask and not keeping her distance to step away. After telling me to fuck off, she put her mask on, went to the teenage manager and said I was harassing her. Even after hearing my side of the story, I was asked to leave. Turns out it was his girlfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/9/2015 14:54 - Portugal - Alhandra

Today, my boyfriend thinks he's discovered a big conspiracy by dentists to sell toothpaste. He's arguing that nobody needs to brush their teeth, ever, because all the "new plaque" from food will dissolve the "old plaque", and the only thing he needs to use is breath spray. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/3/2015 20:42 - United States - Boulder

Today, I found out that the creepy weirdo who's been sending me messages for a while is just my dad. His excuse was, "I wanted you to feel like someone would actually like you." FML

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By daycare worker - 23/12/2016 18:41 - United States - Houston

Today, I told my 4-year-old daughter that when she grew up she could work at a daycare, like me, to help all of the little kids like her. She started crying because she thought it was a bad job to have. FML

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By theyarefarapart - 9/5/2011 07:05

Today, I found out that my classmates affectionately refer to me as "the kid whose eyes are really far apart." FML

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By Anonymous - 24/7/2009 22:14 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told my roommate about a trick he had used by filling nail holes with toothpaste when he moved out. When I came home with putty to fill the holes, there were blue spots all over the walls. She had filled them with blue gel toothpaste. Now I get to repaint, too. FML

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By Coaldust - 3/1/2017 02:02

Today, my niece stole a bottle of whiskey from me to mix with Monster and get drunk with her boyfriend. It was a bottle of 23-year-old Pappy Van Winkle's that cost over $2000. FML

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By Godmish - 2/1/2009 05:37 - France

Today, I received a text message from my girlfriend saying: "Do you remember last time we slept together?", I answer straight away "Of course I do, it was great!". To which she replies: "I hope you made the most of it: it was the last". FML

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By Jesus - 21/4/2009 14:39 - United States

Today, I was playing guitar on the sidewalk and had my guitar case open for tips. A man came up with a folded piece of green paper, smiled and walked away. After I was finished, I looked at my tips. I unfolded the paper, it was a note that said "You suck!" FML

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By Anonymous - 9/10/2014 22:17 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I got roped into a volunteering thing at the last minute. I was waiting outside with all these kids who looked hungry. Feeling bad, I passed around crisps and cookies. Turns out we were at a convention to promote healthy eating in malnourished children. FML

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By no name - 22/6/2013 07:20 - United States - Gaylord

Today, while working at my job at a nursing home, I slipped and fell. It wouldn't be so bad if it was just water. No, one of the residents had just had an "accident". FML

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By glowstick - 30/6/2009 06:07 - United States

Today, my dog ate my little brothers medication. I spent all morning trying to make him throw it up, but it wasn't working so I took him to the animal hospital, which was in a different city. $150 in poison control and vet bills later, I found the pill we thought he ate stuck under his paw. FML

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By goddamitme - 21/2/2009 19:23 - United States

Today, My girlfriend came from behind me and put her hand in my back pockets. I though it was someone trying to take my wallet, I elbowed her in the nose and broke it. FML

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By Missedtheboat - 30/10/2009 23:29 - United States

Today, I finished making an awesome costume for a Halloween party my crush was attending. I then checked the invite and found out the party was last night. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/11/2018 13:30

Today, my sister got fired and I got promoted to her job, got a nice payrise for it. My relationship with my sister will never be the same again. FML

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By weliveanddie14 - 7/5/2009 20:27 - United States

Today, I was at the library. I went near the computer section when I saw this man cursing and pounding his fists on a computer. He left. I thought I'd check it out. As I sat down, a librarian came over with the security guard and pointed at me. I'm now being fined for destroying public property. FML

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By emergency - 25/1/2010 13:32 - Canada

Today, I discovered that my mom and her disgusting mess of a boyfriend refer to his penis as "the monkey." And she says that I hate him because I'M immature. FML

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By zenithbelana - 10/1/2010 07:01 - United States

Today, two weeks after reporting our car was broken into, the police showed up to our flat. They came to inform us that our car was was broken into. We explained that we knew this and reported it weeks ago. Apparently, it was broken into again, and set on fire this time. FML

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By Yubi - 11/1/2009 15:22 - Belgium

Today, my mother told me: "If you didn't exist, I wouldn't stay with your father". So it's MY fault if she's having problems with him? FML

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By Anonymous - 27/9/2020 20:03

Greed

Today, my husband told me he wants a $600 birthday gift. He doesn't understand why I said that wasn't happening, and is now mad at me. Not only can we not afford that, he only spent less than $10 on my birthday gift last month. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/8/2009 23:00 - United States

Today, my son hit my husband's shop-vac while pulling into the garage too fast. He was grounded for 3 days. Later, while trying to demonstrate how to park safely, I hit my husband in his happy sacks with the mirror. FML

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By buiuuum - 27/7/2011 16:35 - United States

Today, my 8 year old son cut his own hair. He did a better job than I ever did. I'm a hairdresser. FML

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By Rai - 24/3/2009 16:11 - Canada

Today, I got up extra early to curl my hair because I wanted to look nice at school for a change. After coming downstairs my mom yells at me and says, "See, when you don't wake up on time your hair looks like that. You could have atleast combed it!" FML

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By nokitchenforme - 3/12/2010 05:18 - Canada

Today, I overheard my mother telling a friend she got me oven mitts for Christmas. I got her two cruise tickets. I hate to cook. Which she knows. FML

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By Noname - 4/2/2009 11:23 - Canada

Today, I was singing to my cat and she reached up and put her paw over my mouth. FML

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By Noname - 24/2/2009 23:57 - United States

Today, my hard drive on my computer crashed with all of my files on it. I took it to my Dad, who is a computer analyst, to see if he could recover anything. The only thing that he could salvage was my illustrious collection of porn. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/12/2016 06:55 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, my grandma called me spoiled, materialistic, and Americanized for reminding her that she can flush the toilet after she uses it. The family now has a "three pee, one poo" minimum before we're allowed to flush. FML

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By zomg - 30/4/2012 09:24 - United States - Port Saint Lucie

Today, while at work as a cashier, I tried to be sweet and ID an elderly man buying a bottle of wine. He responded by calling me a "blind-ass bitch" and calling my manager for "harassing" him. FML

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By recordyear - 9/8/2011 07:32 - United States

Today, I was at work with my dad. He told me the only reason he's letting me work with him over the summer is because I'm a friendless loser, and he didn't want me staying home getting fatter. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/8/2013 22:52 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I mentioned on Facebook that I'll be out of town over the weekend, because I am attending my grandmother's funeral. I soon got comments saying "Pics or it didn't happen" and "Killed her for the inheritance, eh?" followed by a solitary "LOLLL". FML

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By crazymuch - 1/2/2009 18:08 - Canada

Today, I talked to my boss about the fact that I have been diagnosed as bipolar and I am having a really hard time with it. He told me to look on the bright side, now that I'm crazy I will never have to do Jury Duty. FML

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Top comments

By Cartain | 0

#750661 - Saturday 2 January 2010 16:20

I think this is very much your fathers FML.

By youdidwhatnow | 0

#750631 - Saturday 2 January 2010 16:06

FYL... dumbass

COMMENTS

By wa2_ev | 0

#750624 - Saturday 2 January 2010 16:04

ouch ..

Reply

metalfan333 | 0

#822746 - Wednesday 3 February 2010 23:34

another fake story

Reply

polarice24 | 2

#994412 - Saturday 15 May 2010 17:25

ur dad probably said "when do u wanna come over?" mmmm damn nice boner right there

Reply

bballer55 | 0

#1040802 - Thursday 24 June 2010 5:19

oh so deserved this one u always say hello and wait for a reply so u kno its him

Reply

jrkarikas | 0

#1046274 - Sunday 27 June 2010 20:04

haha I did that too! I said hey this is John what time should I eat you out? it was her friend. good thing she just laughed it off.

By youdidwhatnow | 0

#750631 - Saturday 2 January 2010 16:06

FYL... dumbass

Reply

marulicko | 19

#5796853 - Wednesday 18 December 2013 15:18

A couple of days later, here on FML:
"Today I called my daughter from her boyfriend's cell phone. She answered by saying I should fuck her raw. FML"

By GrtJzzMn | 0

#750634 - Saturday 2 January 2010 16:07

To bad you didn't have call display.

Reply

meepmeep_fml | 0

#751596 - Sunday 3 January 2010 1:35

are you retarded?

Reply

MadPercussion | 0

#1022098 - Monday 7 June 2010 2:06

yes, yes he is.

Reply

smerry | 3

#1364144 - Tuesday 7 September 2010 7:44

3 r u stuipid learn how to read her dad was using her boyfriends phone dumbass

Reply

Hunthas | 17

#2375541 - Wednesday 20 April 2011 3:03

excuse me, I believe you mean "Too" bad. Lurn too trole newb!

Reply

jake12221212121 | 4

#4515557 - Sunday 3 June 2012 6:39

I thumb myself up a lot. I'm a bit insecure like that.

Reply

Bradley_Dillon | 39

#5701647 - Friday 4 October 2013 2:16

She knew it was him...

By JManHobbs | 0

#750640 - Saturday 2 January 2010 16:10

She did have CallerID that's the point. FYL OP.

Reply

Bradley_Dillon | 39

#5701651 - Friday 4 October 2013 2:17

That guy made me cry. D: I'm a bit late on this one.. That's not bad!

By itspimpz | 0

#750649 - Saturday 2 January 2010 16:14

ohh Lisa you naughty girl you shud give me a call.

By Cartain | 0

#750661 - Saturday 2 January 2010 16:20

I think this is very much your fathers FML.

Reply

babygirllove | 0

#3791985 - Tuesday 27 December 2011 4:57

Im pretty sure it's her FML too

By indiechickXD | 0

#750684 - Saturday 2 January 2010 16:40

lmfao.
Niceee chickie, nicee.

By DynamicDave | 11

#750685 - Saturday 2 January 2010 16:40

Haha you fail! It's gonna be awkward next time you see your dad.

By hippy_lady | 4

#750690 - Saturday 2 January 2010 16:45

serves you right.

Reply

shiznutmuffin | 0

#817820 - Tuesday 2 February 2010 5:28

I know right that's some messed up stuff

Reply

lifesuck7 | 4

#2636490 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 10:25

haha awkward.!!

By perdix | 29

#750694 - Saturday 2 January 2010 16:49

So, did he accept or reject your invitation?

Which is worse -- incest or being put in the Friend Zone by your own dad?

Reply

iplaylax | 0

#1025992 - Thursday 10 June 2010 6:32

hmmm id say incest