Today, my boyfriend called my cell. I picked up and said "Hi,... - FML

By Lisa - 2/1/2010 07:02 - United States

Today, my boyfriend called my cell. I picked up and said "Hi, this is Lisa and I want you to fuck me raw". It was my dad. He was at my boyfriend's parent's house and forgot his phone. FML

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Understandable

Crowded House

The best cat

By Nikse - 29/7/2009 07:23 - United States

Today, I was at the store with my mother in the facial care section. I found this device that scrubs your face with those anti-bacterial pads. The aisle was crowded and noisy, so I shouted to my mother, "Can I have this vibrator thing?" It went silent. FML

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By jemstuff - 22/8/2010 06:28 - United States

Today, at work, I stopped in my boss/boyfriend's office to find him getting intimate with a girl. He then tells me that he is cheating on me, that he is dumping me, and that I am fired. Oh, and he is keeping the cat. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/3/2011 17:32 - United States

Today, while getting it on with my boyfriend, I decided to be spontaneous and do something sexy. I started taking his underwear off with my teeth. My teeth dragged over his shaft, and my braces cut up his foreskin in the process. Now he's not talking to me. FML

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By zachadams - 16/9/2013 21:03 - United States - Buffalo

Today, at a family party, my uncles were complimenting my mom on her pies. I cooked them. She took all the credit. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/8/2013 20:20 - United Kingdom - Slough

Today, my girlfriend was suspended from work after she was caught fucking one of her co-workers. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/2/2014 07:18 - United States - Littleton

Today, I found out that the little arrow next to my gas gauge actually points to the side of the car where the tank is. For the past year-and-a-half I've been sticking my head out the window and even calling my parents to ask which side it was on, because I can never remember. FML

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By birdguts - 31/1/2011 02:34 - United Kingdom

Today, after 2 years together, my boyfriend finally proposed. I excitedly said yes. Just as we began to kiss, my half crazed cat ran in, dropped a half eaten bird at our feet, and promptly threw up on the carpet. FML

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By Thesuz - 6/9/2013 03:27 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, my neighbour was practicing his opera singing, drunk. FML

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By earlytermination - 6/9/2015 03:31 - United States

Today, I was visiting my grandmother at her retirement community. Bingo is really popular there and she loves it, so I went thinking it would be a fun activity for us. I won the jackpot and my car got keyed by a group of angry old people. FML

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By ohgod... - 2/4/2012 02:18 - Canada - Magog

Today, while my boyfriend and I were getting intimate, he called me "Mom." FML

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By dxl - 18/2/2009 08:55 - United States

Today, I told my parents how grateful I am for having them in my life and that not many kids are as lucky as me. My mom texted me after I went out 10 minutes later: "Are you ok? You seemed depressed earlier." FML

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By GoFigure - 15/6/2016 13:33 - Germany - Berlin

Today, my wedding is scheduled for next week. Today is also the day my whole family had an epic falling out, resulting in my mother disowning my brother. Apart from having them taking turns sobbing at me through the phone, they're also not coming to the wedding. I paid the hotel rooms in advance. FML

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By wvugirl - 19/4/2009 20:49 - United States

Today, I asked my boyfriend what he thinks about long term relationships. He said, "Our relationship is kinda like having a dog. Chances are, your dog is going to die pretty quickly, before you do. Dogs and humans just aren't meant to be together forever." He compared me to a dying dog. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/9/2011 03:41 - United States

Today, while I was on the bus, my foot fell asleep. When we arrived at my stop, I stood up and limped to the front of the bus. As I walked down the steps, I tripped, fell, and smashed my nose into the ground. The driver just laughed and drove away. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/6/2013 20:14 - Poland - Polska

Today, my brother looked me dead in the eyes and said his life goal is to find a way to jizz on everyone in the world. I'm scared. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/10/2009 04:56 - Australia

Today, while trying on a dress, my sister came up behind me and poked my back, asking, “What have you stuck down your dress?” I hadn’t put anything down the back of my dress; it was just my back fat. FML

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By treats - 2/11/2010 07:13 - Singapore

Today, I caught my dad eating the dog treats I'd bought for my dog. The only thing he could say was "These are really good, no wonder the dog is so obedient. Wanna try one?" FML

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By Loveless - 9/4/2018 13:00 - United States - Ashland

Today, I asked my girlfriend of 8 years if we should get a bigger place. She responded by insisting she get her own place. FML

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By kallens - 15/1/2009 23:08 - United States

Today, I was at Target with my mom. After 10 minutes of my mom walking around looking confused, I said, "Mom, what are you looking for? I worked at this place for 4 years, I know where everything is." My mom was looking for KY. FML

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By pop_rox - 30/1/2009 14:07 - United States

Today, I was riding in a carpool when we passed a church that has a shady reputation. I said "man, all those people are being brainwashed, it's a cult". The lady sitting in the back seat behind me says "I'm a member of that church". OOPS. Silence. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/11/2014 08:37 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me via Twitter. FML

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By tryingtostealmyheart - 19/12/2015 07:12

Today, a total stranger asked me to marry him while we were waiting for the bus. I turned him down. He then pulled a knife on me, grabbed my purse and ran. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/6/2015 04:21 - New Zealand - Tauranga

Today, I lost my virginity. He then told me, in tears, how bad he felt about leaving his dog alone for the night. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/11/2011 17:20 - United States

Today, after holding it in for hours, I finally managed to run to the bathroom for a pee. I thought it was impossible for rats to climb up the sewer pipes and into the toilet, but apparently I was wrong. FML

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By Dopamin3 - 20/3/2019 12:00

Today, driving to a conference 2 hours away a giant piece of ice fell off a truck and did severe damage to my car hood and busted the front light. The car was a few months old with around 5000 miles on it. FML

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By fmlgirl - 25/4/2009 18:41 - United States

Today, is my boyfriend and my 3 year anniversary. We decided to give each other something that we really needed. I bought him the $300 worth of books that he needed for college. He surprised me with a workout video and exercise equipment. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/4/2013 05:39 - United States - Long Beach

Today, at the exact moment that I leaned over to show my dad a picture on my phone, my boyfriend texted me: "I'm no weather man, but you can expect a few inches tonight." FML

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By JacktheRussian - 8/4/2013 00:33 - United States

Today, I saw a very attractive young woman struggling with some boxes. The seduction attempt resulted in me carrying 60lbs of items for 30mins. When we got to her apartment, she thanked me and introduced me to her boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/11/2015 15:28 - United States - Jamestown

Today, I was in a play and had a battle scene. I got a little too into it and wound up twisting my ankle. The audience was treated to me screaming like a little girl before face-planting the stage a moment later. FML

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By unboned - 11/5/2016 17:30 - United States - Katy

Fetishes come in all sizes

Today, my boyfriend got a raging boner while looking around at a gun store. He hasn't had any sexual interest in me in months. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/8/2014 15:30 - United States - Gloucester

Today, I was taking a customer's order, when she said she'd better go for a salad, because she was getting fat. She was actually very slim, so I told her she wasn't fat at all. She took one look at me and snorted "Yeah, not compared to you, that's for sure." FML

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By Karie-Rose - 6/2/2010 06:28 - United States

Today, as I was working at my babysitting job, I was watching a 3.5 year old girl. She begged and begged me to come in the jacuzzi with her, and when I put on my 2-piece bathing suit on, the young girl asked me why my stomach looked like a bagel. I looked down just to realize she was right. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/1/2012 04:18 - United States

Today, my husband thought it would be "funny" to put laxatives in the cakes for my son's 7th birthday party. Over 40 kids came to the party. FML

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By Earths_Venus - 19/11/2009 22:31 - Australia

Today, I was driving to my new home with a lot of my belongings in the car. I could hear things shifting in the back. When I parked, I opened the door, ready to catch my vodka. I caught it- and watched my laptop slide out of the car, onto the concrete, and break into 3 pieces. FML

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By DamnThatsHarsh - 16/10/2009 18:04 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were fooling around on camera. I was mostly naked and putting on a show for her, when I noticed that she was looking off to the side instead of where she normally looks when she's talking to me. She was playing solitaire on her computer. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/9/2019 06:01 - United Kingdom - London

Damian?

Today, while babysitting, I got stabbed by a 7 year-old with a mechanical pencil. FML

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By fuckyoudeadgunnuts - 4/9/2015 14:30 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I met my Canadian friend at the airport. As we were heading into the city, I told him not to worry about all the US stereotypes and that gun crime in my city is rare. A few hours later, we witnessed a guy get shot in the street in broad daylight. Now he's too scared to leave the house. FML

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By embarrassed - 20/12/2010 14:51 - United States

Today, I slipped at work while putting out a "wet floor" sign to make sure the customers didn't slip. FML

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By Red - 4/12/2014 16:31

Today, my girlfriend found out that I secretly watch porn while she sleeps, but she seemed to be fine with it. That's until the next day, when she got on my Facebook account and publicly shared every porn page I visit. My father even commented, "Poor choice in porn, son". FML

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By jostertoaster12 - 13/2/2015 20:31 - United States - Steamboat Springs

Today, while skiing down a steep mountain, a man ran over my skis, causing me to fall and roll down the slope. When I regained my balance, I saw the man had followed me just to say "How graceful" and continue on. FML

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Top comments

By Cartain | 0

#750661 - Saturday 2 January 2010 16:20

I think this is very much your fathers FML.

By youdidwhatnow | 0

#750631 - Saturday 2 January 2010 16:06

FYL... dumbass

Comments

By wa2_ev | 0

#750624 - Saturday 2 January 2010 16:04

ouch ..

Reply

metalfan333 | 0

#822746 - Wednesday 3 February 2010 23:34

another fake story

Reply

polarice24 | 2

#994412 - Saturday 15 May 2010 17:25

ur dad probably said "when do u wanna come over?" mmmm damn nice boner right there

Reply

bballer55 | 0

#1040802 - Thursday 24 June 2010 5:19

oh so deserved this one u always say hello and wait for a reply so u kno its him

Reply

jrkarikas | 0

#1046274 - Sunday 27 June 2010 20:04

haha I did that too! I said hey this is John what time should I eat you out? it was her friend. good thing she just laughed it off.

By youdidwhatnow | 0

#750631 - Saturday 2 January 2010 16:06

FYL... dumbass

Reply

marulicko | 19

#5796853 - Wednesday 18 December 2013 15:18

A couple of days later, here on FML:
"Today I called my daughter from her boyfriend's cell phone. She answered by saying I should fuck her raw. FML"

By GrtJzzMn | 0

#750634 - Saturday 2 January 2010 16:07

To bad you didn't have call display.

Reply

meepmeep_fml | 0

#751596 - Sunday 3 January 2010 1:35

are you retarded?

Reply

MadPercussion | 0

#1022098 - Monday 7 June 2010 2:06

yes, yes he is.

Reply

smerry | 3

#1364144 - Tuesday 7 September 2010 7:44

3 r u stuipid learn how to read her dad was using her boyfriends phone dumbass

Reply

Hunthas | 17

#2375541 - Wednesday 20 April 2011 3:03

excuse me, I believe you mean "Too" bad. Lurn too trole newb!

Reply

jake12221212121 | 4

#4515557 - Sunday 3 June 2012 6:39

I thumb myself up a lot. I'm a bit insecure like that.

Reply

Bradley_Dillon | 39

#5701647 - Friday 4 October 2013 2:16

She knew it was him...

By JManHobbs | 0

#750640 - Saturday 2 January 2010 16:10

She did have CallerID that's the point. FYL OP.

Reply

Bradley_Dillon | 39

#5701651 - Friday 4 October 2013 2:17

That guy made me cry. D: I'm a bit late on this one.. That's not bad!

By itspimpz | 0

#750649 - Saturday 2 January 2010 16:14

ohh Lisa you naughty girl you shud give me a call.

By Cartain | 0

#750661 - Saturday 2 January 2010 16:20

I think this is very much your fathers FML.

Reply

babygirllove | 0

#3791985 - Tuesday 27 December 2011 4:57

Im pretty sure it's her FML too

By indiechickXD | 0

#750684 - Saturday 2 January 2010 16:40

lmfao.
Niceee chickie, nicee.

By DynamicDave | 11

#750685 - Saturday 2 January 2010 16:40

Haha you fail! It's gonna be awkward next time you see your dad.

By hippy_lady | 4

#750690 - Saturday 2 January 2010 16:45

serves you right.

Reply

shiznutmuffin | 0

#817820 - Tuesday 2 February 2010 5:28

I know right that's some messed up stuff

Reply

lifesuck7 | 4

#2636490 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 10:25

haha awkward.!!

By perdix | 29

#750694 - Saturday 2 January 2010 16:49

So, did he accept or reject your invitation?

Which is worse -- incest or being put in the Friend Zone by your own dad?

Reply

iplaylax | 0

#1025992 - Thursday 10 June 2010 6:32

hmmm id say incest