Today, my boyfriend and I were having phone sex. It got very... - FML

By twintowers - 4/7/2009 20:30 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were having phone sex. It got very wild and soon was interrupted by a knock on my door. My dad had come home early from work, and heard the whole thing. He demanded my boyfriend to come over, and he had a sex talk with him on the couch in front of the whole family. FML

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Ghosted

Don't give up

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

By Anonymous - 14/2/2016 09:15 - Netherlands - Veldhoven

Today, I think I've conditioned my body to not function without technology, as I simply couldn't take a shit until I got up, fetched my phone and returned to the toilet to read stuff on here. FML

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By knzknz - 7/10/2011 00:40 - Canada

Today, I was asked if my bellybutton was an 'innie' or an 'outtie.' My bellybutton has been hidden by fat for so long that I couldn't remember. FML

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By FilthyIke - 21/8/2009 20:17 - Canada

Today, I went to the doctor to inquire about the rash I've been getting in my underarms, behind my knees and sometimes on my face. Turns out I'm allergic to sweat. I'm a varsity rugby coach, gym teacher, and I just shelled out a stack of cash to get a sauna and steam room installed in my house. FML

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By alex - 16/2/2010 16:43 - United States

Today, while working at my new job at a veterinary hospital, I was excited that I set a urinary catheter in a dog for the first time. I guess I was a little too enthusiastic though, because I pulled it out too fast and bloody urine splashed up all over my face. FML

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By Lane - 18/11/2018 14:00

Today, I made a frustrating discovery about my new bunny. He can’t stand the fan in my small studio apartment, and thumps angrily and refuses to sleep if it's on. I can’t sleep with it off. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/1/2012 00:01 - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me there was good news and bad news. Bad news: she's pregnant. Good news: I'm probably not the father. FML

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By Fox - 25/2/2013 03:41 - United States

Today, while driving extremely fast on a road in the middle of nowhere, I started to go down a hill. Noticing a police car at the bottom, I slammed my brakes and blew a tire in the process. It turns out the police car was an old cutout used to trick people. FML

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By Jenn - 3/7/2013 02:39 - United States - Atlanta

Today, I saw my older sister for the first time in three years. We hadn't spoke since I found out that she was the woman my college boyfriend left me for. Unfortunately, our reunion was fueled by her two-year-old son's desire to meet his dad. My husband. FML

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By Everest - 22/11/2018 14:00

Today, I got several thumbtacks jabbed into me. Why? Because my cousin thought it would be a funny prank to superglue a bunch of thumbtacks to his nerf darts. My left forearm is still bleeding. FML

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By Zibby - 11/2/2011 05:51

Today, I found out that applying toothpaste to your penis to make it taste good for your girlfriend is not a good idea. FML

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By badprofessor - 19/9/2014 01:44 - United States - Larchmont

Today, I got an Economics test back from my professor. I got a 17/20. I looked it over and noticed one of the questions was completely right. I checked the textbook he made and the answer was the same. I asked him why it was wrong, and he responded with, "I guess I changed my mind." FML

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By hopeless - 14/2/2015 20:04 - Canada - Halifax

Today, my girlfriend berated me for my "lack of communication skills", all while deeply engrossed with something on her phone. FML

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By svenska75 - 3/9/2014 21:30 - France - Paris

Today, I told my physiotherapist a funny story. She got so entertained that she started giggling and twisted my broken arm. The pain was worse than when it broke in the first place. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/11/2011 08:40 - Canada

Today, I got home late to find my dad outside mowing the lawn in the dark. I told him the neighbors were going to think he lost his marbles for mowing it at that time. He then informed me he wasn't mowing it, he was vacuuming it. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/4/2013 16:17 - Hungary - Budapest

Today, I took my girlfriend to eat out at a restaurant. We chatted for an hour, and it all seemed to be going well, until she told me that she wanted to break up. Waiting for the bill and driving her home was the most painful time of my life. FML

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By djteller - 25/4/2009 00:13 - Israel

Today, While I was running around the block I had this urge to spit. Suddenly I noticed this beautiful girl running in front me. Trying to impress her, I smiled and by mistake drooled everything on the pavement. She wasn't impressed. FML

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By Triumvirate - 16/10/2010 05:26 - United States

Today, I learned that making an illegal U-turn right after you see a cop doing one will not stop said cop from ticketing you. FML

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By whatgoesaround - 15/8/2009 18:51 - United States

Today, being a big believer in karma, I found it fitting that a girl that was always a bitch to me in high school is now fat and ugly. After sending one of her recent pictures with a mean caption to a few of my friends, I tripped and sprained my wrist falling up the stairs. Karma. FML

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By edavis1993 - 6/10/2015 15:29 - United States - Milford

Today, my clinical instructor told me to stop being so negative, to get over myself, and to focus on nursing school. I'm only distracted because 3 days ago I was told I might have colon cancer. FML

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By xxemetahxx - 11/7/2019 06:00

Today, I got home from work early to find my boyfriend spread eagle on the couch, taking pictures of his anus. Apparently, that's what his other girlfriend is into. FML

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By caiti - 6/8/2009 01:25 - United States

Today, I had a job interview and things were going really well until I noticed the woman interviewing me staring at the inside of my elbow. I am recovering from a poison sumac rash, and each spot looks like a puncture wound from a syringe. I was dismissed before the interview was over. FML

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By anon - 21/12/2013 14:13 - United States - Lehigh Acres

Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex. I guess she got bored because she started looking at her nails. FML

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By stellarshaun - 16/1/2009 22:10 - United States

Today, I was naked in bed. I was eating vanilla yogurt and it spilt. My dad walked in and then apologized that he had walked in on me while I was masturbating. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/5/2009 20:15 - Canada

Today, I woke up after a night of partying and went to the bathroom. That’s when I realized that after passing out with my shoes on last night, my friends decided use a black sharpie and play “connect the dots” with my acne. FML

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By oh my dad - 13/2/2013 16:45 - United States - Florence

Today, I had to convince my dad that text lingo causes brain damage just to try to get him to stop. He actually believed me, and is telling everyone they have, or will receive brain damage soon. FML

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By jwhizzle - 20/10/2011 11:51 - Australia

Today, I found my "lost" bicycle in my best friend's garage. I've been having to catch two buses to get to work for the past few months. FML

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By squad - 19/12/2019 14:00 - United States - Washington

My first time

Today, I lost my virginity with my boyfriend. As he was about to cum, I moaned his brother's name. I've never even met his brother and now I'm single. FML

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By - 16/12/2018 12:30

My long-distance partner came to visit me for the weekend. When he arrived he seemed moody and tired, and refused any kind of physical contact. Upset, I asked him what was wrong. Turns out he's mad for coming to see me because I've put on weight, making the trip a waste of his time. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/1/2013 11:43 - Australia - Gosford

Today, I paused the movie my girlfriend and I were watching and told her, for the first time, that I loved her. Her response was to stare at me silently for a few seconds before unpausing the film. FML

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By PookaKay02 - 20/9/2011 04:26 - United States

Today, I realize that my boyfriend's breath quite literally smells like a sewer. It wouldn't be so bad, except that he tries to kiss me about every ten minutes, and I have to hold my breath. FML

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By Embarrassed ass. - 23/10/2015 04:05 - United States - Oregon City

Today, while on a walk during lunch, I urgently needed to pee. Not thinking I could make it back to the office, I slipped into some bushes to relieve myself. As I was going, I looked to the side and saw two coworkers staring back at me. They were having sex, and I'm there with my dick out. Awkward. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/9/2012 17:34 - United States - Reston

Today, I found out my friend swapped my girlfriend and probation officer's numbers in my phone. My girlfriend is wondering why I asked her permission to leave the country, and my probation officer said she can't wait to see me again. FML

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By Anonyme - 6/9/2013 11:56 - France - Caen

Today, my 17-year-old son hacked off the legs of his bed with a saw. His explanation? "The bed looks cooler closer to the floor." FML

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By Can2 - 8/1/2014 19:03 - United States - Houston

Today, I called my auto insurance company to try to get some discounts and lower my rate. I ended up adding $30 to my monthly payment. FML

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By sierraisfucked - 2/6/2009 07:55 - United States

Today, I was in Walmart with my mom. I was looking for some CDs I wanted and saw a cute guy. Then he nodded at me and as he started to walk towards me, I hear my name being called over the intercom. Apparently, according to my mom, it was time to go. FML

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By OH COME ON - 29/12/2011 15:48 - United States

Today, I texted my boyfriend on the way to the hospital to tell him I needed stitches, after my brother's dog bit me on the breast. His response? "Pics or it didn't happen." FML

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By holyshitbatman - 9/11/2012 04:53 - United States - Toledo

Today, I started dating a seemingly normal guy. Not even four hours into our relationship, he began telling me that he can see spirits, dead people, and that I have a large black dog following me everywhere I go. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/12/2010 07:04 - United States

Today, I was at a house delivering pizza. As I walked away, I heard the mom mutter to her child, "That's why you go to college." FML

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By actually just constipated.. and stupid - 4/3/2015 15:03 - Tunisia

Today, I went to the doctor, because I've been having stomach pains and nausea for weeks. He ended up gravely telling me I'm pregnant. I freaked out and panicked about what my parents would say. Then his laughter reminded me that I'm a guy. A really stupid one. FML

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By Jaggu - 29/4/2011 20:25 - United States

Today, I ran into an old friend from college on the bus to work. Having not seen each other in over 10 years, we spent a good 15 minutes talking about our lives after college. At the end, he asked me what my name was. FML

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Top comments

By emery52 | 0

#368475 - Saturday 4 July 2009 23:28

i never understood phone sex

By msbetsy | 0

#368446 - Saturday 4 July 2009 23:20

Your dad is awesome! He's making sure you don't get pregnant/STD infected, one boyfriend at a time.

Comments

By SturmFireforge | 0

#368393 - Saturday 4 July 2009 23:10

Wow. Nice job.

Reply

qwerty475 | 0

#368690 - Sunday 5 July 2009 0:45

Your dad was masturbating while listening on another phone

Reply

kyle4321 | 0

#368722 - Sunday 5 July 2009 0:58

LOL yeah he was!

Reply

MasterModeraor | 0

#369228 - Sunday 5 July 2009 4:43

So ur dad raped your boyfriend in front of your family!?! YDI

Reply

ninaaftermath | 0

#369544 - Sunday 5 July 2009 7:02

YDI for having phone sex

Reply

Secret_Fire_King | 0

#792542 - Saturday 23 January 2010 5:01

hahaha.. YDI.. but, I hope you put a condom over the phone (to be safe)..

Reply

ashlinmarie | 0

#1072473 - Thursday 8 July 2010 1:46

awkward:/

By cucumberfabulous | 7

#368395 - Saturday 4 July 2009 23:10

YDI

Reply

seb12992 | 0

#368522 - Saturday 4 July 2009 23:44

I agree, when I read "phone sex" I automatically thought she deserved it.

Reply

dang_fml | 0

#368880 - Sunday 5 July 2009 1:58

totally deserved. idk if your dad picked up another phone in the house or if he stood outside your door and listened, but either way, you should be aware of other people in the house when you do stuff like that lol

Reply

littlemisshottie_fml | 0

#986534 - Thursday 29 April 2010 14:54

yum anyone wanna give me their number?? :)

Reply

Thabb | 0

#986986 - Saturday 1 May 2010 16:27

F his life, not yours.

By MeganH0LLYW00D | 0

#368403 - Saturday 4 July 2009 23:11

Happened to me once.
It was pretty awkward.

By Shock98 | 0

#368424 - Saturday 4 July 2009 23:16

f(yourboyfriends)life.
that's so awkward.

By rafaelaugusto94 | 0

#368442 - Saturday 4 July 2009 23:19

embarrassing

By msbetsy | 0

#368446 - Saturday 4 July 2009 23:20

Your dad is awesome! He's making sure you don't get pregnant/STD infected, one boyfriend at a time.

Reply

ndawgg | 5

#368634 - Sunday 5 July 2009 0:18

By telling her not to have phone sex? The key part of that being "phone." Where she can't get pregnant or VD/STD/STI or whatever they're called now.

Reply

Nick402 | 0

#368775 - Sunday 5 July 2009 1:23

Well, if they're having phone sex, chances are they're doing a lot more than that when they're actually together. And who says that he's telling them not to have sex? He could just be talking about how to be safe and everything.

Reply

drinkupgorgeous | 0

#371007 - Sunday 5 July 2009 20:55

Haha that reminds me of that Cyanide and Happiness comic. He's protecting her from getting "hearing AIDS".

By amy1504 | 0

#368469 - Saturday 4 July 2009 23:25

Wild phone sex?

Hahaha

Reply

Spreed | 0

#369266 - Sunday 5 July 2009 5:01

ROFL, could have been worse though. Could have been wild cyber sex, now that would be pretty sad.

By emery52 | 0

#368475 - Saturday 4 July 2009 23:28

i never understood phone sex

Reply

ArtsySwag | 0

#368610 - Sunday 5 July 2009 0:09

You aren't the only one... Why would you waste time doing that??

By Atropos_fml | 0

#368482 - Saturday 4 July 2009 23:29

How does phone sex get wild?

Reply

icehot | 0

#369003 - Sunday 5 July 2009 2:45

when you start pushing the pound key over and over

Reply

kk89 | 0

#369212 - Sunday 5 July 2009 4:37

Hahahaha that made me laugh out loud. the POUND key, lol

Reply

FreshAsCrap | 0

#369249 - Sunday 5 July 2009 4:52

hahah thats hilarious! pund key hahahah. but honestly, who has phone sex? its fucking nothing compared to the real thing

Reply

blue8795 | 0

#369546 - Sunday 5 July 2009 7:03

People who are in long distance relationships who can't do otherwise?

Reply

Atropos_fml | 0

#369611 - Sunday 5 July 2009 7:45

These kids are obviously not in a long distance relationship, considering the boyfriend came over.

Reply

tzuriel11 | 9

#2754745 - Saturday 25 June 2011 8:05

thats hilarious!!

By amy1504 | 0

#368488 - Saturday 4 July 2009 23:31

'Put your pork sword in my lady flower'

Ohh yeahhh haha :)