Today, I was on a conference call and digital meeting at work...

By hardlyworking - United States

Today, I was on a conference call and digital meeting at work when I got bored and started surfing the Internet. Little did I know that my desktop was being shared. My boss was on the call and saw everything. FML

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Work

Drinking is bad for you, most of the time

Bad boys, bad boys…

On yer bike

By Bisounours - France

Today, I went to see the new Harry Potter movie with my boyfriend. Feeling an intense need to pee, he decided to sacrifice a few minutes of the movie before the highly-anticipated final combat to get some relief. He went through the wrong door, locking himself out. Right until the end. FML

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By americanized - Denmark

Today, I helped two people find the central station on my way home. As a thank you, they mugged me and stole my wallet and iPod Touch. FML

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By Mcwifi - United States - Elmhurst

Today, traffic was so bad that I was able to connect to the WiFi of a nearby McDonald's and successfully listen to a 30-minute podcast. FML

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By churchgoer - United States

Today, I went to confession. I told the priest that I had an intimate relationship with a woman that I'm not married to. He chuckled and said, "You know, lying is a sin too." I wasn't lying. FML

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By LonnyLonnikins - Canada

Today, I went to pick up my sister's wedding cake. It was a nice day, the shop was close, and the cake wasn't too big so I walked. On my way back, I stepped aside for a kid on a bike, tripped over my shoelaces, and dumped my sister's expensive, custom-designed cake. The wedding is tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Chula Vista

Today, I gave my 5-year-old daughter a unicorn pillow pet. She ended up giving him an ill-advised name, and has been loudly proclaiming to everyone she sees that her pillow pet is Horny. FML

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By nolife - United States

Today, I was so bored that I began searching for videos of people popping their pimples. FML

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By teeth - United States

Today, I meant to forward an email to my friend mocking a coworker's email, but I hit "reply" instead of "forward". FML

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By WhatdyaDo - Canada

Today, I spent a solid four hours and over one hundred dollars preparing a nice fancy meal for my new girlfriend. A delicious three pound rack of ribs with a sweet and sour marinade. Steam broccoli with melted cheese. Home made buttermilk biscuits. I serve the meal. She doesn't eat beef. FML

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By 44haley44 - United States

Today, I woke up to my pants off and my vibrator still on. I fell asleep masturbating. FML

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By heathenapparently

Today, while driving me to the airport for a trip to Japan, my mother started crying. When I asked her why, she said, "I just know that if the plane crashes, I will never see you again because you are going to hell." Thank you, mom. I love you too. FML

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By Whatdididowrong?

Today, my 12 year old son came home from school and informed me that he bought an air guitar for $20. He honestly thinks this is a good price. FML

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By mommyopps - United States - Madison Lake

Today, I'm beginning to regret explaining death to my 3-year-old son. We were at the supermarket when he looked at an elderly woman and loudly told her "You're gonna die soon!" FML

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By ManagerWithoutRespect - Canada - Saint Albert

Today, one of my co-workers threw a piece of garbage at the waste bin beside me. When it missed, he said, "Aw, I missed the garbage... and the bin beside it." FML

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By IncompatibleMetier - France

Today, and for a long time, I've had a phobia of schools. I'm extremely stressed out about starting in a new school. Normal, right? Yes, except that I'm the teacher. FML

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By coppervains - United States - Livonia

Today, I bought a new bra and panties and modeled them for my boyfriend. I thought he liked them, until mid-way through feeling me up, he decided he'd rather give me a massive wedgie. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I learned how my cat's flea medicine works. Instead of killing the fleas, it just makes the fleas move off of the animal. The good news is my cat no longer has fleas. The bad news is, the fleas moved into my bed. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cedar Rapids

Today, after months of my doctor telling me that my heart palpitations are simply due to anxiety, and that I'm perfectly healthy, I decided to weight train to face my fears. Two hours later, I was in the emergency room. FML

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By pear8head - United States

Today, I ran into my new apartment neighbor. She said she could hear me and my girlfriend having wild sex last night. She told me she had always wanted to have a threesome. My new neighbor is as old as my grandma, and even resembles her. I politely declined. FML

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By __shirtless__

Today I found out that paying $40 for next-day shipping doesn't ensure that you'll receive the item the next day or even the next week. I assumed it was my fault for ordering too late into the holiday season. Turns out they never shipped it. When I finally received it 10 days late, it was the wrong item. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Conspiracy.

Today, immediately after placing my order and paying for my meal, the Chinese takeout place lost all power. FML

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By TrophyGirlfriend - United States

Today, my boyfriend was fired. After breaking the news, he also broke up with me. Apparently, his boss had a creepy crush on me and would give my boyfriend bonuses for bringing me to company events and, occasionally, out on the boss's personal boat. Looks like I am no longer useful. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my roommate pranked me by putting blue food coloring in the shower head. I have class in 20 minutes and look like a smurf. FML

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By Nomoretexting - United States

Today, I received a 4 page text message from my mom explaining what she was going to do to me tonight in full detail. I am one name below her boyfriend on her contact list. FML

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By colts609380 - United States - Corona

Today, I finally gained the nerve to ask out the girl of my dreams. She responded by saying, "You need to lower your standards." FML

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By Anonymous - 7/7/2020 23:02

Don't you know that you're toxic?

Today, I found out my girlfriend talks to around 18 other men for fun. She says she loves me more, but I told her to prove it, so I took her phone and deleted the social media accounts that she made just for these men. Now I'm a "toxic controlling monster" because I don't let her chat with random men. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Mount Eliza

Today, I gave my boss a gift card as a late birthday present, since I wasn't in the office on his actual birthday. He accused me of trying to bribe my way to a promotion, and suspended me on the spot. FML

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By baddaddy

Today, my psycho ex is threatening to take me to court on child abuse allegations. How did I abuse them? I “gendered” our children by buying them certain colored clothing and toys... that they’d asked for. FML

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By flowerging - United States - Stony Brook

Today, I offered to pay my boyfriend to buy me flowers. He still refused. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was in a huge traffic jam with my boyfriend due to heavy snowfall. After being in the car for 4 hours, we were stuck in a tunnel with hundreds of cars behind and in front of us. Then the diarrhea hit. I had to shit in a plastic bag in the car. FML

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By DesignNerd

Today, my best friend excitedly told me all about this new video game she'd just discovered that she thought I'd love. It was her Xmas present from me 2 years ago. FML

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By Allie cat

Today, while in deep sleep, I was suddenly awoken by a tickle on my face and nearly threw my cat off the bed. Apparently, 4 a.m. Is the perfect time to touch noses with your human. FML

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By Missedtheboat - United States

Today, I finished making an awesome costume for a Halloween party my crush was attending. I then checked the invite and found out the party was last night. FML

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By shh - United States - Scottsdale

Today, during dinner with my wife's family, my daughter suddenly yelled, "DADDY TICKLES MOMMY'S BUM BUM!" I don't think I've ever received dirtier glares in my life. FML

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By oops.

Today, my wife had a nip-slip. At my family reunion. In front of everyone. FML

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By whatsmccraken - Taiwan

Today, I was on a 12 hour trans-Atlantic flight overseas. I asked the flight attendant where this rancid smell was coming from. The guy sitting next to me started laughing, saying, "Sorry, something I ate is not agreeing with me." This was hour 1 of the flight. FML

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By hungry - United States - Waverly

Today, my husband offered to do the weekly grocery shopping. Because he has never done the shopping before, I made him a list of what we needed and other optional foods to give him an idea of what to get. He came back with a week's worth of ramen noodles and 2 litres of soda. FML

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By NotBeingPaidEnough - United Kingdom - London

Today, a crazy homeless guy got angry because I wouldn't sell him a bottle of vodka at half price. He got so irrationally mad, he put his fingers down his throat and threw up on my checkout. FML

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By Never Again - United States - Riverhead

Today, I went to collect my clothes out of the dryer. Thinking it would be fun for my small dog, I brought her with me. I put her down and let her sniff around while I put my clean clothes in a basket. I turned around from putting more clothes in the dyer to catch her peeing in my clean clothes. FML

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By ima nerd - United States

Today, I gave my wife a $900 necklace as a special Christmas gift. She gave me a set of Star Wars pajamas. As it turns out, I was more excited to wear my gift than she was to wear hers. FML

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Top comments

By scottovious | 0

#2148933 - Friday 4 March 2011 8:44

Dumb Shit. YDI idiot... get your resume ready...

By badluckwind | 0

#2148940 - Friday 4 March 2011 8:44

as long as you weren't looking at porn!

COMMENTS

By scottovious | 0

#2148933 - Friday 4 March 2011 8:44

Dumb Shit. YDI idiot... get your resume ready...

prinzess_fml | 25

#2149102 - Friday 4 March 2011 11:02

yeah, you should be grateful for having a job. how dare you not appreciate it?

By RinnieRiot | 9

#2148938 - Friday 4 March 2011 8:44

What where you looking at?

i_love_grrr | 0

#2148971 - Friday 4 March 2011 8:48

that's what i was wondering. lol

i_love_grrr | 0

#2148989 - Friday 4 March 2011 8:53

I'm pretty positive you meant were though, not where lol XP

By badluckwind | 0

#2148940 - Friday 4 March 2011 8:44

as long as you weren't looking at porn!

scottovious | 0

#2148963 - Friday 4 March 2011 8:47

The internet is for Porn!

badluckwind | 0

#2149026 - Friday 4 March 2011 9:23

true that.

lerouxmaster | 7

#2149549 - Friday 4 March 2011 16:14

Because I have a huge banana. Wanna taste my banana juice ?

meelo88 | 13

#2149662 - Friday 4 March 2011 16:50

haha Aveune Q!

By wtfbtwily | 0

#2148944 - Friday 4 March 2011 8:44

porn?

XBCX96 | 4

#2149752 - Friday 4 March 2011 17:29

Porn...

By ambowew | 7

#2148952 - Friday 4 March 2011 8:45

So your boss caught you looking at porn during an important conference call, big deal. It's not like you wanted the job, with your behavior.

By marinus_fml | 19

#2148968 - Friday 4 March 2011 8:47

No problem there. Unles of course you were also on webcam wanking over porn....

By Thanatos1206 | 0

#2148969 - Friday 4 March 2011 8:48

Was it 2 girls 1 cup??

scottovious | 0

#2148986 - Friday 4 March 2011 8:53

Worse Yet... A Justin Bieber meets Twilight meets Jersey Shore fansite.

Thanatos1206 | 0

#2148987 - Friday 4 March 2011 8:53

So you're the OP?!

scottovious | 0

#2148994 - Friday 4 March 2011 8:55

Perhaps... then again perhaps I'm just projecting my fantasy on you all... Muah ha ha ha...

AkuskaUK | 6

#2149050 - Friday 4 March 2011 9:42

Ahaha!

By dreamer1015 | 0

#2148995 - Friday 4 March 2011 8:55

Were you looking at porn? Gambling?

By shad93 | 3

#2148997 - Friday 4 March 2011 8:56

........were you jacking off????

By nessaface25 | 14

#2149000 - Friday 4 March 2011 8:59

bahahahaha! what a LOSERRRR!

Rebi3144 | 8

#2149354 - Friday 4 March 2011 14:24

It is unnecessary for those extra R's. I will take them and give them back to the poor children you stole them from.

bachooka | 5

#2149464 - Friday 4 March 2011 15:41

you mean the poo_ children?