Intimacy: Today, my aunt had the wonderful experience of hearing my boyfriend...

By embarrassed niece - United States - Cumming

Today, my aunt had the wonderful experience of hearing my boyfriend and I have a very "satisfying" encounter after we stupidly forgot to turn off the baby monitor. FML

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Intimacy

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Season finale

The runs

By SoGoodAtLife - Canada - Toronto

Today, I gave my boss a ride home from work. I had my phone on hands-free mode, so all calls would come through on speaker. I got a call from the new job I was applying at, with my boss listening to each word. FML

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By Groped - United States

Today, I gave up my seat on the subway for an elderly man. He thanked me by grabbing my ass. FML

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By rosie - 8/3/2021 13:59

Communication Breakdown

Today, I was unable to communicate with a customer who only spoke French. As a result, my boss called me a "monolingual idiot." I speak Spanish, German, and Japanese. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my boyfriend came over for dinner, but couldn't eat because he had just gotten his tongue pierced. My grandpa heard this, winked at my boyfriend and said "Can't eat now, but I bet that's all you'll be doing in a few weeks..." My super protective father was sitting right next to him. FML

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By nj - United States

Today, in basketball practice my coach was putting is in teams to run drills. He points to me and says, "You, go babysit my son by the stage." FML

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By mandy - Australia

Today, my mum deleted my college research assignment on rape because the subject was too vulgar. I had worked on it for the past month and it was worth 50% of my grade. It's due tomorrow. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, my friend and I went to a tacky-themed party. She was wearing orange faux snake stilettos. I commented, "Those are perfect for tonight, where'd you manage to find such hideous shoes?" It turns out she wears those shoes all the time, the color just matched her outfit. FML

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By life_suxxx - United States

Today, I went to the store to buy some groceries. Several hours later I realize that I can't find my wallet. After looking all over my house and then the store parking lot, I had my credit cards cancelled. On the drive home, I feel something under me. It was my wallet. FML

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By xXPikachuXx

Today, after 3 months of job hunting, I finally got a job. But now my birth certificate and social security card are somehow lost, and I can't start until I let them see a copy. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Burlington

Today, I was at another long swim-meet, when my daughter shaved 15 seconds off her record swim time. When I asked her how she did it, she replied, "Well someone told me to swim as fast as I can." She's just been taking her time all these years. FML

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By tallesttree54

Today my boyfriend proposed to me and I gladly accepted. The first words out of his mouth after getting off his knees were, "I own you now!" FML

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By booearns - United States

Today, I visited my doctor upon coming home from University. I found out that I'm severely allergic to our pet bunny, which has resulted in a rash taking over my body. She suggested that we get rid of the bunny. I told my mom. She told me to come home less often. FML

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By ambushcat - United States

Today, I was messing with my cat by moving my hand around under the sheets to make it look like a mouse, making him pounce at it. Without thinking, I brought my hand up to scratch my nose and was immediately attacked by flailing claws. FML

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By tedfragle - United Kingdom - Bournemouth

Today, I realised that as I get closer to home, I drive slower and slower so I'm away from my husband for longer. FML

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By dumbass1991 - United States

Today, I was messing around on my laptop by drawing on the screen with a marker pen. When it came time to clean it off, it wouldn't budge. Now I have a full beard and mustache etched permanently on my computer screen. FML

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By DogBeater - United States

Today, I've just moved into a new apartment. It's also the day my big baby of a dog stepped on a rock and began yelping when I tried to touch his paw. He "suddenly" felt better after I carried him inside. Now everyone thinks I'm beating my dog. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Scottsdale

Today, I woke up to my girlfriend grinning at me, her hand on my junk. I grinned back, then looked down and saw blood smeared all over her hand and my junk. After I started screaming and crying, she laughed and said it was fake blood. She recorded everything. FML

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By nubbins - Canada

Today, I got a message from my ex saying how sorry he was for everything he did. He also said that if he wasn't getting married and having a kid we could still be together. We broke up a year ago. FML

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By mat - France

Today, me and my family watched the video of my birth. In the video, when my mother sees me for the first time, she says "God he's ugly!" FML

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By kenabrookee - United States - Northridge

Today, I met my boyfriend's family for the first time. We got on the subject of theatre, and his dad brought up "The Book of Mormon", how finally someone was making fun of those "nasty, polygamist, cultist freaks", and if his son ever dated one, he would disown him. I'm Mormon. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

ACAB

Today, I got pulled over by a cop and got slammed with a ticket for expired tabs on my motorcycle. The DMV was literally across the street. I was heading there to get new tabs. FML

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By scaredofcutouts - United States - Oklahoma City

Today, my sister thought it would be funny to place a cardboard cut-out of a person at the foot of my bed. I woke up, saw the cut-out from the corner of my eye, fell out of bed, landed on my hand wrong, and broke two fingers. She got it all on video. FML

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By single pringle - United States - Morristown

Today, my boyfriend came home from college for the first time in weeks just to visit me. I was so excited that I spent two hours getting ready. Turns out he was only coming back to dump me. Now I'm single and out of foundation. FML

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By iheartkanye

Today, my little sister was rhyming words with "truck." When she came to "fuck", I told her never to say that word again because it was bad. She ran around the house screaming it. I'm in trouble for being "a bad influence." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I found my vibrator that I didn't know was missing... underneath my dad's mattress. FML

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By disgusted - United States

Today, I went into my parents room to empty their wastebasket. Next to it and around their bed, I found tissues that were soaked in an unknown sticky substance. I had to pick them up. FML

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By kharrington - United States

Today, a woman called my work and accused me of having an affair with her husband, my coworker, demanding that my boss discipline me. I don't know her, I barely know her husband, and I haven't had sex in months. FML

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By UNmarried - United States

Today, I found some .pdf files on my wife's computer. They were forms that had been filled out except for the date and the "reason" section. They were divorce papers. When confronted about it she said, "Well, if you piss me off really bad, I want to write down why before I calm down." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Valley Stream

Today, my roommate reached a whole new level of laziness: I caught him casually peeing into an empty beer bottle while laying in bed. FML

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By Laura - United States

Today, I was waiting for the pan to heat up so I could make myself scrambled eggs. Just then, my mom runs up to me, cracks an egg open on my head, and runs away laughing. I only had one other egg. FML

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By meow - United States

Today, my boyfriend informed me that sharing a bed with me was like sleeping with a seizing cat. FML

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By PsychoBoulevard - United States - Tollhouse

Put the eggs in one basket!

Today, as well as for the past week, my cat finds immeasurable joy in knocking eggs of the counter and staring at me as I clean the mess. FML

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By helpme - United States - Irvine

Today, as part of a charity project called Operation Valentine, I worked with 150 other volunteers to make care packages and Valentine's Day cards to send to the troops in Afghanistan, thanking them for their courage. My boyfriend called the cards "cheating" and now refuses to see me. FML

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By Milked Richard - Australia - Wagga Wagga

Today, I woke up with my penis taped inside a milk bottle. Yes, I'm as baffled as you are. FML

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By ditsy - United States

Today, I was on webcam for the first time with a guy I've been texting for a while. Trying to show off my guitar skills, I lean down to pick it up and fell on my face. FML

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By birthday girl - Australia

Today, it was my birthday. My mom didn't buy me a present, throw a party, or acknowledge the event in any way. Last week it was our dog's birthday, which included a party for all the neighbourhood dogs, and a cake for our dog, made out of bacon. FML

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By Mito

Today, we had an impromptu meeting to get to know the new additions to the team. They asked me to introduce myself. I started a year ago. FML

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By LondonKitsch - United States

Today, I finally got into a yoga class with the instructor I've been crushing on for 2 years. As he walked closer to greet me, I lifted my leg over my head into a full split, and queefed obnoxiously loud. He responded with his gag reflex. FML

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By stupid - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I lost a book. I'd used my credit card as a bookmark. FML

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By dining - United States - Grinnell

Today, at my dining job, my boss told me the food was "technically illegal to serve," air quotes and all. FML

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Top comments

By assassinbanana0 | 20

#5572726 - Tuesday 9 July 2013 22:36

Be lucky your aunt wasn't in your closet

By isallwaysme | 27

#5572732 - Tuesday 9 July 2013 22:37

why didn't she turn off her baby monitor instead of listening to you two.

COMMENTS

By assassinbanana0 | 20

#5572726 - Tuesday 9 July 2013 22:36

Be lucky your aunt wasn't in your closet

apaloosa_fml_fml | 21

#5572766 - Tuesday 9 July 2013 22:54

And holding a cake, that could've been awkward!

RoboCunnilingus | 23

#5572823 - Tuesday 9 July 2013 23:46

What cake?? The cake is a lie!

KeXu | 6

#5572843 - Wednesday 10 July 2013 0:15

You're right, 1 and 16. That would make a good FML.

green2go | 14

#5572845 - Wednesday 10 July 2013 0:18

Please let that be sarcasm

JimmyRustle25 | 6

#5572864 - Wednesday 10 July 2013 0:23

Surprise!

aimee0027 | 17

#5572883 - Wednesday 10 July 2013 0:32

She's referring to another FML 34

fareith | 15

#5573678 - Wednesday 10 July 2013 13:41

Am I the only one who is wondering why they did this in the baby's room? Kinky

VentingToRandoms | 8

#5573778 - Wednesday 10 July 2013 16:06

LOL I remember that post. #1 ftw

NoFlippinWai | 24

#5576694 - Friday 12 July 2013 12:30

73. "Baby's room" was probably their room first and still.

By Ultimawolf25 | 19

#5572727 - Tuesday 9 July 2013 22:36

Those monitors can be very dangerous! Who knows what else others have heard! Poor them...

By isallwaysme | 27

#5572732 - Tuesday 9 July 2013 22:37

why didn't she turn off her baby monitor instead of listening to you two.

MsConfusedd | 27

#5572749 - Tuesday 9 July 2013 22:45

Well if she's not getting any, she might as well enjoy the show!

assassinbanana0 | 20

#5572752 - Tuesday 9 July 2013 22:48

I'm pretty sure she didn't enjoy hearing her niece have a "satisfying encounter" with her boyfriend

zinoxity | 23

#5572813 - Tuesday 9 July 2013 23:33

Yeah because everyone enjoys listening to their family members getting off...

Smoldering | 15

#5573119 - Wednesday 10 July 2013 4:18

Some people like to listen

zandalee | 19

#5573320 - Wednesday 10 July 2013 7:38

And some people should be taken away in padded vans...

wolfgold2 | 20

#5573869 - Wednesday 10 July 2013 17:10

and some people like to join...

NoFlippinWai | 24

#5576695 - Friday 12 July 2013 12:31

and some take notes.

By beehardxcore | 26

#5572733 - Tuesday 9 July 2013 22:37

Proof that you know what causes a need for baby monitors! Was it at least just an audio monitor, or one of those newfangled video ones? Either way, FYL!!