Today, marks the two weeks since my paycheck should have arrived.... - FML

By Anonymous - 8/12/2011 18:14 - United States

Today, marks the two weeks since my paycheck should have arrived. During these two weeks, my battery has failed, tire has blown, and my phone and water bill have become past due. When I called the guy who's supposed to pay me, he said he has a note about it "somewhere on my desk". FML

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Healthy relationship

All for nothing

Tense

By fuundmental/// - 9/4/2011 05:46 - Australia

Today, I was looking in my grandparents' drawers and cupboards to find a blanket, but instead found a stash of sex toys, and a male G-string with a horse on the front. The best bit? When you press the horse's nose, it neighs. FML

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By unwanted - 24/12/2011 02:24 - United States

Today, I realized my wife often switches the TV channel from the crime dramas we both like, to Hollywood gossip shows that I can't stand, just to get me to leave the room. From the other room, I can see that she switches back once I've left. She's probably been doing this for years. FML

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By picklet - 12/5/2012 14:36 - Malaysia - Kajang

Today, I started the job of my dreams. Our first marketing meeting was an in-depth analysis of the phrase, "Haters gonna hate, potatoes gonna potate". I have a 5 year contract. FML

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By pussyOUT - 1/9/2009 06:30 - United States

Today, I was at an amusement park with my kids. When we were on the Ferris wheel, I discovered my fear of heights. I hyperventilated, screamed from our seat "LET ME OUT! OH GOD LET ME OUT!!" I also began crying hysterically. They stopped the ride for me to get off. I'm a 45 year old man. FML

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By uhoh.. - 22/3/2015 19:51 - Canada - Nanaimo

Today, a girl was making fun of me for being a virgin and, "never seeing a nipple". I have three. FML

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By Sal - 5/12/2011 06:57 - United States

Today, I found out I have to give my father-in-law back the football tickets he gave me for my birthday. Why? His girlfriend decided she wanted to go. He didn't get me a different gift. FML

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By PissedbythePiper - 11/9/2012 06:11 - United States - Saukville

Today, after my annoying neighbor who used to spend hours playing the cello in the apartment below me finally moved out, I found out that I have a new musical neighbor moving in. This fellow plays the bagpipes. FML

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By deadandwasted - 20/2/2010 08:20 - United States

Today, I halted a cab. It was 12 degrees and snowing outside. When I went to get in, a man shoved me away and I slipped on ice into dirty snow slush, and he stole my cab. As it drove off, the man flipped me off. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/9/2009 15:18 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house to meet his parents. After hundreds passive aggressive comments, my boyfriend and I went into the kitchen. I started complaining to him about how his parents were horrible and mean. Little did I know, his parents had followed us in and were right behind me. FML

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By faeliality - 16/4/2017 16:00

Today, after finally getting my drivers license, I was able to drive myself to school for the first time! I got fined $50 for accidentally parking in the wrong lot. FML

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By KasSmoke - 30/9/2014 02:13 - United States - Justin

Today, I was flipping out because I couldn't find my wallet, and after several hours of cussing myself out, I went downstairs to make breakfast. I poured cereal into my bowl and my wallet flopped out with the Honey Nut Cheerios. I need to stop drinking. FML

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By y00na - 17/8/2018 23:30

Today, I thought it would be fun to tint my hair. An hour later, I resemble a blueberry and it looks like a Smurf exploded in my bathroom. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/10/2019 02:00

Bite me

Today, after two root canal procedures done on the same tooth in last two years, the tooth had been acting up for a few days, so I went in to get it checked. Turns out, it got infected AGAIN and I gotta get a THIRD root canal done on the same tooth. FML

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By dooommage - 15/11/2008 03:27 - France

Today, I was teasing my cat with a piece of string when suddenly my phone rang. I answered it with one hand and put the string down with the other onto my lap. The beast seized the opportunity to spring, claws out, onto my privates. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/7/2015 03:29 - United States - Panora

Today, I took an online IQ test, even though I knew they give everyone unrealistically high scores. My score was 73. FML

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By gerontofuck - 15/4/2014 21:55 - Canada - Red Deer

Today, I realized that the only female who shows any sexual interest in me at all is my 70-year-old neighbor. FML

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By SoDamnBroke - 28/9/2016 13:13 - South Africa

Today, I secured a tender for my boss, earning her 1/4 million in profits. Today is also meant to be pay-day for us, but my boss is too busy dealing with the tender to pay her employees. So essentially, I made my boss rich while remaining broke and in debt. FML

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By kerripjones - 14/7/2015 19:44 - United States - Newark

Today, an old friend and I reconnected. Everything was going fine until he threatened to visit me at work. I didn't know he knew my place of employment, so I replied, "Do you know where I live too?" He answered, "Would you hate me if I did?" FML

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By Anonymous - 20/4/2017 18:00

Today, my Darwin Award-nominated cousin got himself admitted to the hospital because he substituted the hammer and screwdriver for a meat tenderizer and a knife when he couldn't find the toolbox. The one I clearly labeled "TOOLS" in giant letters to avoid this situation from happening again. FML

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By Starchaser - 16/4/2017 19:23

Today, I helped my children dye Easter eggs. They did great. My husband, however, is covered in dye spots and glitter from "helping." FML

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By fire starter - 16/8/2015 04:10 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I tried to vacuum to surprise my mom with a clean house. The vacuum started shorting out, sparked, and then burst into flames mid living room. FML

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By random guy - 30/3/2016 06:49 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend of 3 years. She responded by drinking all the alcohol in sight, falling unconscious and pissing herself. Six hours later, she said that I was too immature and that's why it would never work. FML

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By Where is it coming from?! - 10/6/2014 02:46 - United States - Brightwood

Today, I returned home after a four day weekend at my parents' house. Upon entering by the front door, a horrid stench assaulted my nose. Hours later I still cannot find the source of the foul odor. I'm starting to wonder if this is how it's always smelled without my knowing. FML

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By Tickettoride - 4/5/2013 10:24 - Austria - Vienna

Today, my boyfriend and I stressed out preparing for our one week holiday. We packed for the whole day, said goodbye to everyone and arrived at the airport quite exhausted after a 45-minute train ride. Turns out our flight isn't until tomorrow. The check-in lady couldn't stop laughing. FML

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By sleeping on the floor - 27/1/2015 01:47 - United States - Fairfield

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house. It wasn't until the huge fight which ended with us breaking up did I realize that I was snowed in with him. One day down, two to go. FML

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By ouch - 29/3/2011 03:33 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were playfully arguing about who loved the other more. After about a minute of this, my girlfriend walked over and kicked me in the crotch as hard as she could. She then said, "There, now you don't love me as much. I win." FML

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By timmynotjimmy - 28/10/2009 01:28 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend told me how disappointed and depressed she was that she could never make me hard. She started ranting about her looks and how she fails at everything. I didn't know how to reply. I was hard while she told me. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/8/2016 12:16

Today, my dad's psycho ex broke in and had a meltdown about how he's dating another woman now. She's barely 100 pounds, yet it took me and my brother several minutes and one smashed shin to finally manage to drag her out of the house, all while my dad called the cops. FML

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By This Is My Life - 1/7/2017 02:00

Jesus Christ!

Today, water turned to wine. That is, my brother put wine in my hamster's water bottle. Very bad idea. FML

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By thafinest - 12/10/2009 23:32 - United States

Today, I received a call from a collection agency. Since I had no clue, I was ready to file a police report for stolen identity. I then called my mom only to find out she has been opening new credit cards with my information for 3 years and not paying them. My credit is ruined and I'm only 21. FML

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By Lawrence - 6/8/2009 04:55 - United States

Today, I was riding my bike to the local grocery store to pick up some supplies for dinner. On the way down, traveling down a hill, I hit a drain with no lid. I went to grab hold of the nearest object to soften my fall. That nearest object was a barbed wire fence. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/5/2020 14:00

Dad jokes, part 43884

Today, I met my girlfriend's dad, who it turns out is such an anime nerd he decided to overplay the "idiot overprotective dad" character all afternoon, including making the dramatic faces, playing theme music from his phone, and at one point threatening my genitals with an oversized foam battle axe. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/6/2019 04:00

Today, while browsing through Walmart, I slipped on a piece of clothing and fell backwards into an obese lady’s butt. When I landed, she farted. FML

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By Mewsmash - 1/1/2016 16:23 - United States - Dublin

Today, my father told me he hasn't brushed his teeth for 30 years: he just wipes them with paper towels. I don't know whether to be horribly disgusted, or horribly jealous that he has never gotten a cavity. FML

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By okaythen - 14/8/2016 19:21 - United States - Euless

Today, I asked out this girl at work who I've had a crush on for a while. She looked oddly familiar, aside from the fact that we worked together. It was almost like we'd met outside of work. Two hours and one Snapchat story later, I realized I'd asked out my best friend's girlfriend. FML

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By Alanis - 21/7/2012 01:59 - United States

Today, I confessed to my co-worker that I've secretly loved him for months. He laughed hysterically for about a minute straight before shaking his head and excusing himself from the store. Even the fact that my boss fired him for leaving early isn't cheering me up. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/10/2012 00:29 - United States - Wooster

Today, we got new seats in class today. The guy placed next to me, turned, looked me dead in the eye, and said, "The balls are the warmest place on the body" while his hands were in his pants. I'm stuck next to him for the rest of the semester. FML

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By CollegeStudent - 26/11/2016 05:55

Today, after being excited and trying to make plans with all my friends, they all turned out to be busy. After watching Netflix most of the night, I check my Snapchat stories only to see them all hanging out without me at one of their houses. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/12/2009 01:57 - United States

Today, I tried to rid my son of his pacifier. He still uses it to sleep. My son is 20 years old. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/11/2014 17:46 - United States

Today, I held the door open for an old lady, before realizing she was a teacher taking 20-plus kids to lunch at local burger joint, all of whom got in front of me in the line to order. FML

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Top comments

By every1luvsboners | 11

#3703548 - Thursday 8 December 2011 22:34

Go take a shit on his desk then tell him you left him a note on his desk.

By wals2537 | 1

#3703539 - Thursday 8 December 2011 22:33

This is why we can't have nice things...

COMMENTS

By wals2537 | 1

#3703539 - Thursday 8 December 2011 22:33

This is why we can't have nice things...

Reply

Damn_Hippster | 11

#3703584 - Thursday 8 December 2011 22:39

Well he has a note somewhere. God, he's doing his best!

Reply

angrymexican | 8

#3703786 - Thursday 8 December 2011 23:31

"that was my last note, so it will cost you 60 cents"

Reply

farhil | 14

#3703800 - Thursday 8 December 2011 23:36

Threaten to sue your company. Don't actually follow through, because that would mean that you will never get a job anywhere again in your life, but neither would he... So just the threat should work...

Reply

WeAreAHurricane | 14

#3704282 - Friday 9 December 2011 1:16

Maybe because he was too busy infesting his work place with a virus due to his porn....

Reply

SuperKnuckels | 6

#3721467 - Monday 12 December 2011 20:23

its called "Direct Deposit" YDI

Reply

skoob | 4

#3773537 - Friday 23 December 2011 0:58

"human recourses, how may I help you?"
"uh, yeah- i haven't received my paycheck yet. It's two weeks overdue"
" yes, please hold..... *buzzzz*"

Reply

lexa1love | 16

#4585338 - Tuesday 19 June 2012 4:34

Some companies don't offer direct deposit. Especially smaller businesses because it costs them money to do it.

By ArmedcrackerR6 | 8

#3703542 - Thursday 8 December 2011 22:33

Sounds like he needs his ass beat. Give him some motivation.

By indielove | 13

#3703543 - Thursday 8 December 2011 22:33

file a complaint.

By 6u174r_d00d | 6

#3703546 - Thursday 8 December 2011 22:34

Say you'll put a fist "somewhere" on his face.

By every1luvsboners | 11

#3703548 - Thursday 8 December 2011 22:34

Go take a shit on his desk then tell him you left him a note on his desk.

Reply

iTrevor | 5

#3703687 - Thursday 8 December 2011 23:04

Not before he gets his money of course..

Reply

jwade11 | 12

#3703692 - Thursday 8 December 2011 23:05

Sounds like a plan!!!

Reply

CheckMyProfile | 17

#3703744 - Thursday 8 December 2011 23:23

your comment sir made me lol xD

Reply

Sammeh_Higgins | 0

#3704421 - Friday 9 December 2011 1:55

Like a boss.

By WeAreScrewed | 3

#3703550 - Thursday 8 December 2011 22:34

That asshole.

By IDontKnow10101 | 14

#3703553 - Thursday 8 December 2011 22:35

I'll bet this is the type of guy who's gonna stack IOU's til day's end and not pay a cent

By TheNotoriousOne | 1

#3703558 - Thursday 8 December 2011 22:36

Fuck the police. Beat his ass

Reply

KiddNYC1O | 20

#3703702 - Thursday 8 December 2011 23:07

Police?

Reply

Meowingtons500 | 18

#3703756 - Thursday 8 December 2011 23:25

FUCK THA POLICE. I'm wearin' a tux. :P

Reply

Justforlolz | 14

#3703899 - Friday 9 December 2011 0:16

Fuck the police? No, don't be a slut. Date the police. Get to know the police. Show the police that you truly love them. THEN you fuck them. And when it's all over, leave the police. Make the police beg for you.

Reply

farhil | 14

#3704584 - Friday 9 December 2011 2:50

Why the thumbs down? That was funny. Although slightly off topic...

Reply

flockz | 19

#3704712 - Friday 9 December 2011 3:20

i think what 8 was trying to say was "fuck the police, go there and beat his ass instead." just a thought.

By Snafuusmc | 12

#3703561 - Thursday 8 December 2011 22:36

Sorry to hear. Why didn't you confront him earlier?

By HiddenMonkey | 8

#3703565 - Thursday 8 December 2011 22:36

Direct deposit does wonders

Reply

ValleyC4t | 5

#3705380 - Friday 9 December 2011 7:07

Direct deposit doesn't make the money magically appear. They still have to pay you.

Reply

Ergayles | 9

#3709462 - Saturday 10 December 2011 7:27

^ Yeah, it pretty much does make the money magically appear.