Miscellaneous: Today, I woke up with a raging hangover. I soon checked my phone,... - FML

By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I woke up with a raging hangover. I soon checked my phone, only to find that I'd drunkenly sent nude pictures to several friends' numbers, as well as to my own. I'd then replied to my own message, saying that I'm not gay and telling myself to fuck off. FML

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Sorry…

On the beat

Damn squares!

By Depressed - United States - Collierville

Today, I got a call from the head of my school dance committee saying that the dance was cancelled and the services originally hired were still expecting to be paid. The reason the dance got cancelled? One of the girls on the committee's parents wouldn't let her buy her dream dress. FML

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By adopteddd - United Kingdom

Today, my Dad sat me down and told me that I was adopted. I was unbelievably shocked by this revelation and asked him why he'd never told me this before. His response was, "I didn't know!" FML

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By liynda - Canada

Today, I knocked on the door of the bathroom to make sure nobody was in there before I walked in. Then I remembered I live alone. FML

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By dr.mantistobagon - United States - South Burlington

Today, it's been a few months since my grandfather passed away. Now all of his porn subscriptions are getting forwarded to my address. FML

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By preggersss - United States

Today, I got sick in the airsick bag as my flight landed. The woman next to me, trying to make me feel better, says "Don't handle landings too well?" I responded "No, I actually fly fine, I'm just 8 weeks pregnant." She looked at my left hand, noticed no ring, rolled her eyes and looked away. FML

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By assholedad - United States - Dayton

Today, I came back from the doctor after having been diagnosed with a UTI. My dad now won't shut up about it, saying stuff like, "You must be 'pissed'", "Looks like 'urine' a bit of pain", and "'Urea'-lly need some antibiotics, son", all while making obnoxious finger quotes in the air. FML

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By Anaconda

Today, I ordered a plain cheeseburger. The cashier was confused, so I explained, "just meat and cheese". When I got my food, my burger didn't have a bun. FML

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By elsaza - France

Today, I was on a date with my new boyfriend. I acted very flirty and laughed very loudly to show him how funny he was. I laughed so loudly that I farted. FML

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By rkl2010 - United States

Today, when I went to pick up my daughter from preschool, I found out she'd "accidentally" tried to flush her clothes down the toilet while going to the bathroom. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/12/2020 22:56 - United States - Montpelier

Join the club

Today, for the first time in 8 months, I got laid and it was amazing. Unfortunately, it's kicked my latent sex drive into hyperdrive. Best part? No idea when I might have sex again, so apparently I just have to live with being ragingly horny for the foreseeable future. FML

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By Rehab - United States

Today, I was looking through my computer's history to find a website I had visited. I found an online forum where my son was discussing how to inject Oxycontin. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me I look like a fish gasping for breath when I "finish" during sex. FML

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By Noname - New Zealand

Today, my girlfriend was giving me head while I was watching Star Trek and I accidentally called her Spock. FML

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By babs - United States

Today, I was in the doctor's office waiting for my husband to arrive, when a little old lady sat beside me. She seemed nice, until she started farting and blaming it on me. They weren't silent; they sounded like trucker farts and smelled like death. I was there for over an hour. FML

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By horny and alone

Today, I went home with my cute coworker. What started out as a little dirty talk and teasing ended with him admitting he was in a terrible emotional place and sending me home in an Uber so he could sleep. FML

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By becca - United States

Today, I woke up to a gift from my boyfriend: a Playboy magazine with a Post-It note that said, "Just a reminder that you're easily replaceable." I think he's still mad at me for beating him on X-box. FML

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By fark - Ireland

Today, I slipped on a wet floor at the supermarket and busted my nose. It wouldn't be as embarrassing if I hadn't missed the "CAUTION: WET FLOOR" sign that I'd put there myself just 30 minutes earlier. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I decided to have sex with with my boyfriend. After we had finished I jokingly said, "who's going to sleep in the wet patch?". He got up and said "you're optimistic, I'm not staying. Oh, and I'm dumping you, that performance was disappointing". It was my first time. FML

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By whatabitch - United States

Today, my ex-boyfriend's mother came up to me at school, yelling and causing a scene in front of everyone for breaking her son's heart. We broke up over a year ago because he was cheating on me. FML

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By cc10 - China

Today, I heard my newly divorced parents fighting about who gets to keep me. Neither of them want me. FML

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By projectfain - United States - Akron

Today, I e-mailed the on-line instructor for my job, telling her that I had fallen behind in my work due to my grandmother's passing and the subsequent funeral arrangements, but that I would catch up this week. Her reply? "OK. Hope your grandmother gets better soon." FML

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By anonymous - United States

Not now

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. Right before I was about to climax, he asks, "Do you remember when you bought the homeless guy with one leg a hot dog?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Oakland

Today, my drinking problem became apparent when my daughter asked for a glass of juice, and I instinctively poured a large glass of scotch instead. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I went to a seminar about non-prejudice and acceptance. I spent the whole time being made fun of because of my pink shirt. FML

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By notasgood - United States

All in the family

Today, my boyfriend dumped me so he could sleep with my mom without feeling guilty. FML

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By lonelyboy101 - United States

Today, I was at a club with my girlfriend of a year. A guy starts hitting on her while I'm sitting right next to her. He then asks her to go back to his place for some fun, I start laughing thinking that there is no chance she would even consider this. I walked home alone. FML

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By Juicy12Jham - United States

Today, I was on the phone with Microsoft Customer Service for about a total of 2 hours. That's the longest I've ever talked to anybody. FML

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By tessykins - United States

Today, this guy who likes me accused me of cutting myself. I asked him what he was talking about, and he said, "Don't lie, I saw those scars on your thighs when we went swimming." I have stretch marks on my inner thighs, and now I have to explain them to him so he doesn't think I cut myself. FML

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By sickdisney - United States - Riverside

Today, I watched a movie with my little sister. I couldn't understand a word that was said during one scene, but I figured it was in some kind of made-up language. When I commented on it later, she called me a moron and said it was Spanish. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Aurora

Today, I got a raise at work. It will bring my hourly wage to about a cent more per hour. Our CEO just reported record-breaking profits for the year. FML

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By JustWashedTheseJeans

Today, I pissed my pants in fear for the first time. Was I at a spooky haunted house? Nope, I turned a corner and got startled by a parked car. FML

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By ptiluinthesky - France

Today, my neighbor turned down his loud music that he's been playing for months, only to turn on a porn movie at maximum volume. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my fiancé was performing oral on me, when I heard him start making a "Waka waka waka waka" noise. He confessed to pretending to be Pacman. FML

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By shitface - Australia

Today, I woke up to my 2-year-old daughter hitting me in the face. She had just pooped her nappy and put her hands down her pants to "feel it squish around." FML

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By weirdlove - Australia

Today, while my boyfriend and I were eating an icecream, he put his arm around me and began leaning in for what I thought was a kiss. Instead, he grabbed and began jiggling my stomach fat, along with making raspberry sounds. Once he was done, he did the same to my thighs. FML

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By The Joker? - United States

Today, two guys proclaiming that they were both Batman attacked me on the street. FML

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By mastel07 - United Kingdom - Stevenage

Today, I found a very light blonde long hair on my marital bed's pillow. I confronted my husband about it and after hours of arguments and me throwing his stuff out of the house, I found another. Attached to my head. My husband isn't having an affair, I'm just going grey. FML

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By Laloose - France

Today, I send a text message to my ex-boyfriend, who dumped me four months ago, telling him to come back. His answer: "feeling-wise I won't come back to you, but sexually, why not". FML

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By 733yoda

Today, the most exciting notification I received was Amazon telling me that my bulk order of toilet paper had been shipped. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Blacktown

Today, I was playing Charades. My boyfriend, who I'd recently had a fight with, had trouble and just said his answer was the name of my celebrity twin. Nobody got it. He said "Really? It's Fat Bastard." Stunned silence followed, broken by a single "HAH." from my 'best friend'. FML

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Top comments

By w_introuble | 25

#5721528 - Saturday 19 October 2013 2:33

That's a new level of drunkeness!

By JasonUMN | 15

#5721561 - Saturday 19 October 2013 2:46

If you even rejected yourself through beer goggles that's saying something.

COMMENTS

By w_introuble | 25

#5721528 - Saturday 19 October 2013 2:33

That's a new level of drunkeness!

Reply

ThorPowaa | 19

#5721568 - Saturday 19 October 2013 2:49

Your profile relates to this FML. Haha

Reply

emilycb93 | 12

#5721610 - Saturday 19 October 2013 3:22

Did your friends reply? Haha

Reply

uoeno_fml | 20

#5721645 - Saturday 19 October 2013 3:46

This drunkenness is fucking hilarious

Reply

Kimmismith | 11

#5721703 - Saturday 19 October 2013 4:31

Atleast he knows he doesn't go for guys when he's drunk, right?

Reply

then000bster | 16

#5721787 - Saturday 19 October 2013 5:20

The amount of OP epicness while drunk is legendary. I should go study under him as a drunk apprentice.

Reply

rebellionwars | 11

#5722348 - Saturday 19 October 2013 16:56

This made sense until you made up a word; drunkeness?

Reply

Snide_Sniper | 3

#5722378 - Saturday 19 October 2013 17:29

55-I hate to break it to you but drunkenness is a word. In short, it is the state of being drunk. If you're going to correct someone, a quick google search to verify your infornation never hurts. Especially as you're already online.

Reply

Sweetpea22 | 14

#5722744 - Sunday 20 October 2013 1:17

It is a word, dumbass.

Reply

greenmen | 12

#5722762 - Sunday 20 October 2013 1:42

Have done worst than that. As long as you had fun it's great.

Reply

jesustitts | 20

#5723793 - Sunday 20 October 2013 21:51

#56 while I agree with you, you should have fixed your post, too. You wrote infornation rather than information.

Reply

CoGhostRider | 31

#5867413 - Monday 24 February 2014 15:34

But he did send a guy nudes so...

By DocMcVickers | 13

#5721533 - Saturday 19 October 2013 2:35

If only we all could one day be that drunk too.

By pam241 | 15

#5721535 - Saturday 19 October 2013 2:36

That's fucked up.

Reply

Whytetrash | 21

#5721575 - Saturday 19 October 2013 2:51

I think you mean hilarious

Reply

Dawnstempest | 17

#5721580 - Saturday 19 October 2013 2:55

@10 That's fucking hilarious?

Reply

euphoricness | 28

#5721588 - Saturday 19 October 2013 3:01

No, 11. It's hilariously fucked.

Reply

RedPillSucks | 31

#5722425 - Saturday 19 October 2013 18:26

OP was hilariously fucked up

By carry_on | 19

#5721538 - Saturday 19 October 2013 2:36

Set it as the background picture on your phone as a reminder to yourself to never be that stupid again the next time you get drunk.

Reply

deOrca | 8

#5721587 - Saturday 19 October 2013 3:01

He'd probably just see it and tell his phone to fuck off because he's not gay.

By hockeygoalie13 | 14

#5721546 - Saturday 19 October 2013 2:40

At least you didn't need someone else to remind you of what happened the night before!

By JasonUMN | 15

#5721561 - Saturday 19 October 2013 2:46

If you even rejected yourself through beer goggles that's saying something.

By ColbyGB | 13

#5721564 - Saturday 19 October 2013 2:48

Got drunk, Got some nudes...sounds like a good night to me!

By kdm_km1 | 19

#5721566 - Saturday 19 October 2013 2:48

Gaybo!

By thehumanlyhuman | 7

#5721583 - Saturday 19 October 2013 2:58

I have to say, most FMLs beginning with a sentence about having a "raging hangover" or being excessively drunk usually end with a "raging YDI."

By happyfingers | 15

#5721589 - Saturday 19 October 2013 3:02

I don't know if I could be friends with someone after they drunkenly sent me nudes >.>

Reply

mFUNdo21 | 17

#5722132 - Saturday 19 October 2013 10:14

those nudes might keep your fingers happy...

Reply

LittleBastard | 20

#5722224 - Saturday 19 October 2013 13:57