Miscellaneous: Today, I woke up with a raging hangover. I soon checked my phone,... - FML

By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I woke up with a raging hangover. I soon checked my phone, only to find that I'd drunkenly sent nude pictures to several friends' numbers, as well as to my own. I'd then replied to my own message, saying that I'm not gay and telling myself to fuck off. FML

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Taking stock

Mother of the year

Evil eye doctor

By ManinBlack - Canada

Today, after months of looking forward to my new fencing lessons and speculating endlessly about the people who might be in my class, I went to my first lesson. I was the only one who showed up. FML

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By issue

Today, I tried to get a job at Walmart. My mom was the hiring manager. She turned me down due to lack of work experience. FML

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By vreenya - Chile - Santiago

Today, my little brother was feeling like the god damned bratty douchebag he is and hurled a basketball at me. It missed, hit the wall, and rebounded straight into his face. He burst into tears, and I'm now grounded because my parents believed him when he said I threw it at him. FML

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By fd - United States

Today, my partner and I were informed by the man we had a three-way with, the first one after having finally screwed up the courage to do it, that he has mono. I don't feel so good. FML

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By mugged - United States

Today, my dog had to choose between protecting me from a mugger or eating an apple. He chose the apple. FML

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By Julian - 5/5/2021 02:01

Perfect

Today, according to my wife, our life together is perfect. The only problem is that I no longer turn her on, haven’t for a while, so she wants my permission to have meaningless one-night stands with strangers on Tinder while carrying on with our perfect, sexless married life together. FML

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By eat my fucking ass, boss - Australia - Melbourne

Today, a customer threatened to come back later and shoot the whole place up. Why? I didn't give him a discount on his beer. My boss's reaction when I called the police: "Why didn't you give him the discount?!" Last week he bitched me out for letting a girl off for being a few cents short on hers. FML

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By Duckie W - United States

Today, I was complaining to my sister about how jealous I was of her looks. Her response was "Sometimes it's okay to be the ugly sister. Like, you have less of a chance of getting raped." FML

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By eventer1919 - United States - Rice Lake

Today, I was asked to cover work for someone because they have volleyball practice. Apparently, they haven't noticed that we've been on the same team for two years. FML

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By Joel Lee Burgess - 15/2/2021 22:59 - United States

Bad boys, bad boys, what ya gonna do?

Today, my wife got a call from my son's school, telling her that he was talking inappropriately in class, using bad language. Neither my wife or I ever use foul language, spoken or written. I feel like such a failure as father and parent. FML

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By pigglepigglepiggle - United States

Today, I agreed to buy my girlfriend a piggle for Christmas. The pig is miniature. The noise it makes is not. Oh, and I just found out it's not living with her, but with me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I called up Verizon Wireless to "complain" about my phone service. I really had nothing to complain about, I was just that lonely that I wanted someone to talk to. FML

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By aintgotnoteeth

Today, after 6 dentist visits, 2 root canals, and $1,500 that I'll likely have to sell vital organs to pay, the agonizing tooth pain I've had for months is unrelenting. Apparently, shrugging and offering to experimentally yank all my bottom teeth is my smurf-shit of a dentist's actual plan. FML

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By TheHatedOne - Qatar

Today, my friend told me she had a stalker who had been emailing her. I laughed, and told her it was probably some fat, ugly virgin sat behind his computer all day. I then continued to describe and mock the stalker, only to realise that I was basically describing myself. FML

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By retard99 - Canada

Today, I was chatting with my girlfriend on MSN. I screen-copied my desktop to show her the conversation I was having with my best friend. Minutes later she replied asking why I had a porn site opened on the other tab. Oops. FML

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By notdaddy - United States - Houston

Today, while talking with my ex, I mentioned I was depressed about turning 40. He said he'd been depressed about turning 40 as well, until he started screwing hot 20-somethings. We were still together when he turned 40. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Today, I noticed my husband was acting moody, and I asked him what was wrong. He replied that he didn't know, so trying to lighten the mood, I facetiously said, "It's 'cause you're stuck with me, isn't it?" He nodded, trundled off, and hasn't shown his face since. FML

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By Xpresss - United States

Today, I came into work with a new hair cut and so far everyone has asked me If I lost a bet. FML

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By madbabynoel - United States - Clovis

Today, my only friend got banned from my house, all because she kissed her boyfriend in front of me. I'm 16, but apparently I can't handle seeing a kiss. FML

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By shygurl434 - United States

Today, the boy I like finally acknowledged me. He came up to me and uttered two words: "Nice pooper." FML

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By Disappointed

Today, my teenage daughter asked me to buy her the morning after pill, saying "It's for my acne." FML

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By nullpointer - United States - San Francisco

Today, I farted so loud that my cat thought that I was growling at him, and bit me in self-defense. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me that every time he has sex with me he thinks about some mutant bunny chick from "Final Fantasy." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I told my dad that I have a very serious drinking problem and that I need to go to rehab because I can't stop on my own. He told me that I just need to make new friends and suggested I join a sorority. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my family attended the funeral of an old family friend's baby, who died in childbirth. Afterwards, my husband went around snickering and quietly telling dead baby jokes to the other attendees. FML

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By kyyle - United States - Chicago

Today, we were playing charades at school. My word was "head", so I pointed to my face. Nobody on my team got it. But they did guess, "Ugly?!" FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I saw my 32-year-old boyfriend of 4 years pick his nose and eat it. The booger in question was attached to his nose and he sucked it out spaghetti-style. He then tried to kiss me. I still feel my stomach churning. FML

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By grabber - United States

Today, I was riding up an escalator in the mall in uncomfortable high heels. While adjusting my bag I suddenly lost my balance and began flailing wildly. In desperation I hurled forward and ended up grabbing a teenage boy's buttocks and was promptly slapped by his girlfriend. FML

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By bizzyizzy0121 - United States

Today, I was called by a restricted number. The man on the phone then explained to me in detail what I was doing at every second that I was on the phone with him. I'm scared to leave my house. FML

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By Anonymous

I don't care

Today, my girlfriend sent me a revenge video of her having sex with another guy, because I cheated on her. I got angry with her, but later used the video to masturbate. FML

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By deadman - 25/5/2020 02:00

Creeped out

Today, my mom came in my room to give me a goodbye kiss. Out of pure instinct, from hours of doing this to my girlfriend in this exact same spot, I held the kiss way longer than what a mother-son kiss should last. My mom actually had to tell me to "let go" before I let her leave. FML

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By Jared - United States

Today, I got so bored that I drew a face on my index finger, and made a video of me garrotting it with a string. I ended up rupturing a blood vessel, and had to think up a cover story for my girlfriend to explain my screaming. FML

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By homersgirl - United States

Today, after an amazing sex session, my boyfriend rolls over and stares lovingly into my eyes, puts his hand on my cheek caressing it tenderly... and says "Who's a good piggy?" in his best Homer Simpson's voice. FML

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By rUs7up1d - Guatemala - Guatemala City

Today, after pulling an all-nighter studying for an exam, I caught the bus to college. On the way there, the bus decided to make sweet love to a taxi, creating a pile-up and a traffic jam. I didn't make it to the exam in time. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend came up to me and told me we would never do anything sexual in our relationship. She said I was too adorable to take seriously in bed. FML

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By ant_hater - United States

Today, a colony of ants announced that they'd moved into my bedroom closet as I went to get dressed for work. FML

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By anonymous - Switzerland - Unterageri

Today, something must be wrong with me. Last night, my dick went limper than overcooked spaghetti while in my wife's mouth, yet today I popped a massive boner that you could hammer nails with, while cutting the grass. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - South Gate

Today, my girlfriend decided to break up with me over Facebook. Unfortunately, she "accidentally" posted it on my wall instead of sending me a message, so the whole world could see it. My mom liked her post. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/7/2020 05:01

The road to hell, good intentions, all that jazz

Today, in the process of leaning over the sink to close the drain so my diamond earrings wouldn't fall in as I put them on, I dropped my diamond earring down the drain. FML

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By Stupid-Brain - 6/10/2020 09:59

Please like me

Today, like every other time for as long as I can remember, even the slightest suggestion that someone doesn't want to be around me sends me into a major panic attack. I've been in therapy for three years to try and handle my anxiety. FML

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Top comments

By w_introuble | 25

#5721528 - Saturday 19 October 2013 2:33

That's a new level of drunkeness!

By JasonUMN | 15

#5721561 - Saturday 19 October 2013 2:46

If you even rejected yourself through beer goggles that's saying something.

COMMENTS

By w_introuble | 25

#5721528 - Saturday 19 October 2013 2:33

That's a new level of drunkeness!

Reply

ThorPowaa | 19

#5721568 - Saturday 19 October 2013 2:49

Your profile relates to this FML. Haha

Reply

emilycb93 | 12

#5721610 - Saturday 19 October 2013 3:22

Did your friends reply? Haha

Reply

uoeno_fml | 20

#5721645 - Saturday 19 October 2013 3:46

This drunkenness is fucking hilarious

Reply

Kimmismith | 11

#5721703 - Saturday 19 October 2013 4:31

Atleast he knows he doesn't go for guys when he's drunk, right?

Reply

then000bster | 16

#5721787 - Saturday 19 October 2013 5:20

The amount of OP epicness while drunk is legendary. I should go study under him as a drunk apprentice.

Reply

rebellionwars | 11

#5722348 - Saturday 19 October 2013 16:56

This made sense until you made up a word; drunkeness?

Reply

Snide_Sniper | 3

#5722378 - Saturday 19 October 2013 17:29

55-I hate to break it to you but drunkenness is a word. In short, it is the state of being drunk. If you're going to correct someone, a quick google search to verify your infornation never hurts. Especially as you're already online.

Reply

Sweetpea22 | 14

#5722744 - Sunday 20 October 2013 1:17

It is a word, dumbass.

Reply

greenmen | 12

#5722762 - Sunday 20 October 2013 1:42

Have done worst than that. As long as you had fun it's great.

Reply

jesustitts | 20

#5723793 - Sunday 20 October 2013 21:51

#56 while I agree with you, you should have fixed your post, too. You wrote infornation rather than information.

Reply

CoGhostRider | 31

#5867413 - Monday 24 February 2014 15:34

But he did send a guy nudes so...

By DocMcVickers | 13

#5721533 - Saturday 19 October 2013 2:35

If only we all could one day be that drunk too.

By pam241 | 15

#5721535 - Saturday 19 October 2013 2:36

That's fucked up.

Reply

Whytetrash | 21

#5721575 - Saturday 19 October 2013 2:51

I think you mean hilarious

Reply

Dawnstempest | 17

#5721580 - Saturday 19 October 2013 2:55

@10 That's fucking hilarious?

Reply

euphoricness | 28

#5721588 - Saturday 19 October 2013 3:01

No, 11. It's hilariously fucked.

Reply

RedPillSucks | 31

#5722425 - Saturday 19 October 2013 18:26

OP was hilariously fucked up

By carry_on | 19

#5721538 - Saturday 19 October 2013 2:36

Set it as the background picture on your phone as a reminder to yourself to never be that stupid again the next time you get drunk.

Reply

deOrca | 8

#5721587 - Saturday 19 October 2013 3:01

He'd probably just see it and tell his phone to fuck off because he's not gay.

By hockeygoalie13 | 14

#5721546 - Saturday 19 October 2013 2:40

At least you didn't need someone else to remind you of what happened the night before!

By JasonUMN | 15

#5721561 - Saturday 19 October 2013 2:46

If you even rejected yourself through beer goggles that's saying something.

By ColbyGB | 13

#5721564 - Saturday 19 October 2013 2:48

Got drunk, Got some nudes...sounds like a good night to me!

By kdm_km1 | 19

#5721566 - Saturday 19 October 2013 2:48

Gaybo!

By thehumanlyhuman | 7

#5721583 - Saturday 19 October 2013 2:58

I have to say, most FMLs beginning with a sentence about having a "raging hangover" or being excessively drunk usually end with a "raging YDI."

By happyfingers | 15

#5721589 - Saturday 19 October 2013 3:02

I don't know if I could be friends with someone after they drunkenly sent me nudes >.>

Reply

mFUNdo21 | 17

#5722132 - Saturday 19 October 2013 10:14

those nudes might keep your fingers happy...

Reply

LittleBastard | 20

#5722224 - Saturday 19 October 2013 13:57