Today, I woke up with a raging hangover. I soon checked my phone,... - FML

By Anonymous - 18/10/2013 17:30 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I woke up with a raging hangover. I soon checked my phone, only to find that I'd drunkenly sent nude pictures to several friends' numbers, as well as to my own. I'd then replied to my own message, saying that I'm not gay and telling myself to fuck off. FML

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Long story short

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

Night terrors

By it's a wonder I'm not illiterate as fuck - 12/4/2013 17:21 - United States - Roselle

Today, my school announced its senior motto for the year. For the second year in a row, it's "YOLO". FML

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By Cassidy - 8/10/2011 16:01 - United States

Today, I found out that my crush didn't make up a fake girlfriend to get me jealous; he made her up as a way to tell me to back off. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/9/2009 03:15 - United States

Today, I called my husband during my lunch to tell him that I wanted to go out tonight for my birthday. We got in argument because he said we couldn't afford it. When I got home from work, he was gone, so I called his cell to see where he went. Answer: to the bar with his friends. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/8/2010 23:36 - United States

Today, while driving I made a fake phone call with my fake boyfriend, making him sound amazing to my friends who were in the car with me. Until the red and blue flashing lights pulled up behind us. My fake boyfriend cost me $160 in real fines. FML

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By Jennifer - 20/1/2016 19:20 - Canada - Lethbridge

Today, I was at school deleting documents I no longer needed on my school account. After clicking empty trash can, I saw a final paper on political science deleted. I'm not in political science, and I wasn't deleting files on my account. FML

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By Mr. X - 23/2/2016 17:46 - United States - Southborough

Today, my sister convinced my girlfriend that I cheated on her. All because I took the first slice of her birthday cake. FML

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By chelle - 1/5/2009 17:40 - United States

Today, I was laying in bed naked and blindfolded. I told my boyfriend he could do anything he wanted to me. About 30 minutes later I get out of bed and find him in the computer room play World of Warcraft. His friends needed him. FML

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By fat and broke - 28/6/2015 07:17 - United States - Federal Way

Today, my cleavage got me out of a speeding ticket. That is, until the officer looked up long enough to realize I'm a guy. FML

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By Squashed - 15/8/2009 06:13 - United States

Today, my 250 pound boyfriend was on top of me while we were making out. I actually passed out in the middle of it from not being able to breathe. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/4/2009 20:21 - Canada

Today, I was getting ready for bed, when I decided to watch some porno on the computer. Suddenly someone from my messenger list says, "You might want to turn off the 'What You're Listening To' option if you're watching porn." I snapped and exited the porn. 63 people saw. FML

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By Adan - 4/12/2012 21:34 - United States - Monroe

Today, my boss was telling everyone that he knew a guy who went to a college at which multiple people were shot and killed recently. Being extremely socially awkward and uncomfortable, I blurted, "That's awesome." Now everyone in the office is terrified of me. FML

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By SorrySnowWhite - 21/11/2016 20:13 - United States - Baltimore

Today, I yelled at a new employee for violating the company's makeup policy which is minimum coverage. She had red lipstick, very dark drawn eyebrows, and foundation that made her look like a ghost. She took out a makeup wipe and used it then showed me it, only to reveal she doesn't wear any. FML

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By acorn - 8/8/2009 23:59 - United States

Today, I was on the phone with my mother making arrangements to go to a dinner tonight where I will be honored for my political activism. She made it clear she's only going for me, and does NOT support the gay rights group that is putting the dinner on. I was planning on coming out after dinner. FML

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By darthinvader - 16/7/2010 00:17 - United States

Today, I took some new allergy medicine I had never tried before, and I didn't bother reading the side effects. I then went to school. It was almost an hour before dismissal when I had felt a warm feeling on my legs. One of the side effects to my new medicine was bladder control problems. FML

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By VelocityMary - 30/7/2009 15:52 - United States

Today, a friend offered to have sex with me, since I'm a 19 year old virgin who's only been kissed. He then added on that I would have to give him my Wii in return. FML

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By cul8erqtpie20 - 3/1/2012 16:35 - United States

Today, I found out my roomie has lost her only source of income. This means I'm responsible for all the bills and the rent. I would kick her out and get someone else, but she's my mother. FML

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By Emily - 12/11/2012 18:12 - United States - Hayward

Today, while sitting in a waiting room, a man assured me "The safety's on" after he handed his kid his BB gun. A minute later, I practically had a hole in my foot. FML

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By Coldandshoeless - 8/1/2013 10:40 - United States - Hackettstown

Today, I got home only to discover my dog was missing. After spending ages roaming the freezing streets calling his name, I returned to find him stuck behind the couch with my chewed-up new shoes in his muzzle. FML

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By SkinsCastSelection - 17/1/2011 06:24 - France

Today, and ever since I was born, I've had a lazy eye. This morning my boyfriend broke up with me. He thought it was funny to state that we just weren't looking at life in the same way. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/7/2015 02:13 - United States - San Francisco

Today, over the course of three hours, I was burned by our toaster oven, hit in the head by a fridge door, hit my toes on a chair, clipped my hip on a table edge, and had both the washer and dryer lids slam on the same hand. I'm not sure what hurts more, my body or the shame. FML

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By caqi33 - 8/3/2011 18:23 - United States

Today, I dropped my urine sample on my pants. Not only do I now not have a sample, it looks like I pissed myself. FML

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By Magnus_the_Red - 9/9/2009 04:13 - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me she didn't want to get it on with me because she didn't want to ruin my innocence. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/8/2009 23:29 - Canada

Today, I found out that 15 years ago my father threw out my college acceptance letters so that I could stay home and take over the family's funeral home business. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/10/2017 19:30 - United States - Chesapeake

Today, I was so proud of a clever analogy I'd written to a friend in a text, that I “dropped the mic” afterward. I realized what I'd done a split second before the phone hit the ground and shattered into a million pieces. FML

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By Dez - 26/11/2017 19:00 - United States - Anchorage

Apparently not.

Today, while I was at work, my boyfriend texted me asking, “We are in an open relationship, right?” FML

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By jlowder2 - 11/12/2009 02:22 - United States

Today, my wife and I were getting intimate. I wanted to make it last longer, so I tried thinking of something else. Suddenly she says, "What are you thinking?" I reply, "Dead puppies." This apparently turned her off more than it did me, because she got out of the bed. FML

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By smoochie - 1/8/2009 21:37

Today, I was holding my baby daughter during a checkup. To reassure her, I was kissing the back of her head while the Dr. was checking her hearing. After a few minutes, I realized the Dr. had put his hand to steady her head. I was kissing his hand. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/1/2011 08:25 - United States

Today, I heard my asshole neighbor had died of a stroke. I was outside and said, "Well it's about goddamn time!" I turned around to see his wife walking her dog and staring deep into my soul. FML

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By Failed_Dad - 25/9/2015 05:42 - United States - Davis

Today, with the most certainty and confidence that I have ever seen in her, my 16-year-old daughter told me an egg is a fruit because of its "hard shell and growing seed." FML

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By wrestling probs - 26/5/2015 02:24 - United States

Today, I was wrestling in a tournament. I was in the finals about to win when the kid threw up on me. They thought I'd hit him in the stomach hard enough to make him throw up, so they disqualified me. FML

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By anonymous - 14/12/2010 11:52 - United States

Today, I went to feed my neighbor's cat while he was out of town. The cat was sick, so part of my job was to give it a pill each time I came. Cats don't like swallowing pills. My neighbor forgot to mention that his cat wasn't declawed. I was wearing shorts. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/5/2019 18:00

Today, as a restaurant hostess, I fell into the fountain at work while carrying a high chair in front of several large parties, who all promptly laughed at me. We were so busy, I had to stay and finish my shift soaking wet. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/9/2010 14:04 - Denmark

Today, someone whistled, so I turned around. The guy behind me then said: "Did you seriously think that it was meant for you?" FML

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By ThanksMa - 22/3/2009 19:45 - Canada

Today, my mother and I walked past my boyfriend, whom she's never met. After we casually greeted each other and went on our way my mother says, "He's cute. Who is he?" I paused for a second and replied, "That's my boyfriend." She then asks, "Does he know that?" FML

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By owowowow - 24/7/2010 01:30 - Canada

Today, I found out how much it hurts to be shot with a paintball in your open mouth. My mouth was only open to say I was hit. FML

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By Somessedup - 9/9/2009 18:29 - United States

Today, my boss asked to use my phone since the company pays for it. A few hours later the same boss called me into his office to fire me. Apparently the company checks the phone records and found a call made on my cell to a sex line. My boss made that call and just fired me. FML

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By scotto - 23/2/2009 01:21 - United States

Today, I kissed my girlfriend and she tasted like a cigarette. I don't smoke. She doesn't smoke. My roommate does. FML

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By jrocks - 19/5/2009 17:06 - United States

Today, as I was watching a DVD, I noticed a spider crawling on my crotch area. So, I panicked and smashed the spider, smashing my nuts in the process. FML

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By littledipper - 25/9/2013 03:51 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I found out that the nice guy who comes to my workplace every morning to bring me a smoothie also makes a point of putting his knob in it before giving it to me. Also, all my coworkers knew about this and think it's hilarious. FML

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By ollie179 - 15/8/2011 19:14 - United Kingdom

Today, my 3 year old son's tricycle was stolen. I looked up the street and saw a neighbour's kid riding it. I marched up, gently lifted him off it, gave him a stern lecture about stealing and brought the tricycle back home. The cops then showed up. Apparently, the kid has an identical tricycle. FML

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Top comments

By w_introuble | 25

#5721528 - Saturday 19 October 2013 2:33

That's a new level of drunkeness!

By JasonUMN | 15

#5721561 - Saturday 19 October 2013 2:46

If you even rejected yourself through beer goggles that's saying something.

Comments

By w_introuble | 25

#5721528 - Saturday 19 October 2013 2:33

That's a new level of drunkeness!

Reply

ThorPowaa | 19

#5721568 - Saturday 19 October 2013 2:49

Your profile relates to this FML. Haha

Reply

emilycb93 | 12

#5721610 - Saturday 19 October 2013 3:22

Did your friends reply? Haha

Reply

uoeno_fml | 20

#5721645 - Saturday 19 October 2013 3:46

This drunkenness is fucking hilarious

Reply

Kimmismith | 11

#5721703 - Saturday 19 October 2013 4:31

Atleast he knows he doesn't go for guys when he's drunk, right?

Reply

then000bster | 16

#5721787 - Saturday 19 October 2013 5:20

The amount of OP epicness while drunk is legendary. I should go study under him as a drunk apprentice.

Reply

rebellionwars | 11

#5722348 - Saturday 19 October 2013 16:56

This made sense until you made up a word; drunkeness?

Reply

Snide_Sniper | 2

#5722378 - Saturday 19 October 2013 17:29

55-I hate to break it to you but drunkenness is a word. In short, it is the state of being drunk. If you're going to correct someone, a quick google search to verify your infornation never hurts. Especially as you're already online.

Reply

Sweetpea22 | 14

#5722744 - Sunday 20 October 2013 1:17

It is a word, dumbass.

Reply

greenmen | 12

#5722762 - Sunday 20 October 2013 1:42

Have done worst than that. As long as you had fun it's great.

Reply

jesustitts | 20

#5723793 - Sunday 20 October 2013 21:51

#56 while I agree with you, you should have fixed your post, too. You wrote infornation rather than information.

Reply

CoGhostRider | 31

#5867413 - Monday 24 February 2014 15:34

But he did send a guy nudes so...

By DocMcVickers | 13

#5721533 - Saturday 19 October 2013 2:35

If only we all could one day be that drunk too.

By pam241 | 15

#5721535 - Saturday 19 October 2013 2:36

That's fucked up.

Reply

Whytetrash | 21

#5721575 - Saturday 19 October 2013 2:51

I think you mean hilarious

Reply

Dawnstempest | 17

#5721580 - Saturday 19 October 2013 2:55

@10 That's fucking hilarious?

Reply

euphoricness | 28

#5721588 - Saturday 19 October 2013 3:01

No, 11. It's hilariously fucked.

Reply

RedPillSucks | 31

#5722425 - Saturday 19 October 2013 18:26

OP was hilariously fucked up

By carry_on | 19

#5721538 - Saturday 19 October 2013 2:36

Set it as the background picture on your phone as a reminder to yourself to never be that stupid again the next time you get drunk.

Reply

deOrca | 8

#5721587 - Saturday 19 October 2013 3:01

He'd probably just see it and tell his phone to fuck off because he's not gay.

By hockeygoalie13 | 14

#5721546 - Saturday 19 October 2013 2:40

At least you didn't need someone else to remind you of what happened the night before!

By JasonUMN | 15

#5721561 - Saturday 19 October 2013 2:46

If you even rejected yourself through beer goggles that's saying something.

By ColbyGB | 13

#5721564 - Saturday 19 October 2013 2:48

Got drunk, Got some nudes...sounds like a good night to me!

By kdm_km1 | 19

#5721566 - Saturday 19 October 2013 2:48

Gaybo!

By thehumanlyhuman | 7

#5721583 - Saturday 19 October 2013 2:58

I have to say, most FMLs beginning with a sentence about having a "raging hangover" or being excessively drunk usually end with a "raging YDI."

By happyfingers | 15

#5721589 - Saturday 19 October 2013 3:02

I don't know if I could be friends with someone after they drunkenly sent me nudes >.>

Reply

mFUNdo21 | 17

#5722132 - Saturday 19 October 2013 10:14

those nudes might keep your fingers happy...

Reply

LittleBastard | 20

#5722224 - Saturday 19 October 2013 13:57