Animals: Today, I woke up to the lovely sounds of goats having escaped...

By MisUnFortunate - United States - Stevenson

Today, I woke up to the lovely sounds of goats having escaped their pen and climbed onto the roof. Again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32249

You deserved it

3350

Favorite

MisUnFortunate tells us more :

Hi, I posted this FML. So the goats have escaped their pen and climbed onto the shed roof, don't ask me how because I have no idea. They also attack the watchdog we got specifically to watch them. Poor guy. If my mom didn't like having goats so much I'd have already sacrificed them to Satan, believe me.

Animals

BO Central

Misheard

Reverse psychology

By littlemiss - Canada - Whitby

Today, my little sister chased me around the house with a mallet, giggling like a maniac. I ended up having to pin her to the ground, rip the mallet out of her hand and lock her in the bathroom. This isn't the first time. My mom still insists it's perfectly normal. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38496

You deserved it

3030

Favorite

By AlwaysAwkward - United States - Strongsville

Today, I got my first massage. At the end, the masseuse made a gesture indicating which way the exit was. After having had her hands all over my body for the past hour, I thought the gesture was indicative of a goodbye hug. Things got awkward really fast. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39311

You deserved it

8989

Favorite

By crappingrapping - United States

Today, I thought the public restroom I was in was empty, so I started rapping. I realized the room was not empty when, recognizing the song, the person one stall over joined in. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30177

You deserved it

43697

Favorite

By Lennyr - United States - Union City

Today, I gave birth to my first born child. Somehow, my mom and mother in law made their way to the delivery room, and walked in mid-push. While they were escorted out, I overheard my mother in law asking the nurse how her son, my husband, was holding up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14422

You deserved it

1065

Favorite

By blarghhhh - United States - Owosso

Today, I woke up with the flu. My wife thinks I'm faking it so we don't have to go on date night, even though I've been on the toilet all day. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19961

You deserved it

1355

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was waiting in a line, texting on my phone. I hear what sounded like a sneeze and said, "Bless you" to the man in front of me. He gave me a dirty look as I began to smell something awful. It wasn't a sneeze. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44193

You deserved it

4778

Favorite

By anabolic - United States

Today, my boss said he was giving me a significant raise. After he requested the payroll department to raise my salary they informed him he needed to fill out a one-sheet form. He took my raise away because he didn't want to fill out that sheet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

69588

You deserved it

2725

Favorite

By Anonymous - 3/9/2020 14:01

Venmo me

Today, my mother-in-law called to find out how the first week of school went for the kids. She spent most of the call complaining about her husband. I'd like to send her a bill for her trying to use me as a therapist. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1111

You deserved it

194

Favorite

By Anonymous

Not a biology major

Today, I found out my boyfriend ate glitter. When I asked him why he would do such an insane thing, he replied, "I wanted my jizz to sparkle." FML

I agree, your life sucks

1573

You deserved it

251

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got a parking ticket. I put the ticket in my bag and accidentally left the bag in my friends car. When I returned, the car window was smashed, my bag was gone. I had to call the police department and ask them to send me a new ticket, on top of the $1000 or so I'd already lost. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46898

You deserved it

6084

Favorite

By skyhawk13 - United States

Today, at my school's Midnight Madness, I was selected to show my school spirit in a contest. Being drunk, I decided to hump the school mascot in front of 300 people. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8106

You deserved it

53694

Favorite

By wedding leper - United States - Tucson

Today, I woke up after a two-day drive to go to my cousin's wedding. The view is beautiful, there's mountains everywhere, and my new backless dress is gorgeous. Too bad the hotel has bed bugs and my whole body is entirely covered in bright red bumps. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23431

You deserved it

1561

Favorite

By usadisvet - United States - Loudon

Today, at the DMV I was told I had to prove, with a doctor's note, that I was an amputee and my disability was permanent to get my placard. Apparently, setting my prosthetic leg on the counter wasn't proof enough, and is considered "threatening". The police were called. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42984

You deserved it

2604

Favorite

By Anonymous - Japan

Today, I found out my ex just got engaged to a girl he met 3 months ago, shortly before he ended our 5 year relationship. His reason for breaking up was that he didn't believe in marriage and couldn't be with someone who wanted to get married. Right. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48684

You deserved it

4039

Favorite

By professorsdaughter - United States - Spokane

Today, my boyfriend once again cancelled a date because he has too much homework. His professor is my dad, who's assigning astronomical amounts of homework to keep us from seeing each other. FML

I agree, your life sucks

61623

You deserved it

4823

Favorite

By bridetobe - United States

Today, I am sitting at home, alone, playing video games. My wedding is tomorrow afternoon. None of my bridesmaids wanted to hang out tonight. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51501

You deserved it

4821

Favorite

By AnDroidZ_BabY - United States

Today, my mom and I had a fight in the car over who farted. The result? She wanted to smell my underwear when we got home, to prove it was me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36340

You deserved it

3808

Favorite

By Sam Stuhlinger - United States - Denver

Today, my friend with benefits that I was starting to like forgot my name in front of his friends when they asked who I was. We've known each other for at least a year. I think this means I'm just a benefit. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2394

You deserved it

798

Favorite

By Jessica - Australia

Today, I met my boyfriend's sophisticated grandparents. I politely introduced myself. The first words to come out of his granny's mouth were, "If something happens to him, you won't get a f*cking cent of the insurance money, you hear?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

39518

You deserved it

3103

Favorite

By mmvv - United States

Today, I found out the hard way that my boyfriend occasionally wets the bed. He's 25 and we're moving in together next month. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29330

You deserved it

3823

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Yuma

Today, after buying hundreds of dollars worth of Christmas presents, my transmission blew up on the interstate heading home. Now, I either have to return the gifts or not drive over 25. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10216

You deserved it

954

Favorite

By biggs sprhro - United States - Bryan

Today, my friends were right about me being whipped. My girlfriend now has me setting an alarm for 3 hrs after she's fallen asleep, all so I can uncover her feet so she doesn't get too warm. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21619

You deserved it

15319

Favorite

By diorlove - France

Today, I broke my wrist because a Nutella glass fell on it after I opened the cupboard. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27463

You deserved it

4908

Favorite

By busted - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I got caught shoplifting a toothbrush. I'm flat broke and my roommate used my old one to scrub out her cat's puke stains off the carpet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26235

You deserved it

18608

Favorite

By fat and broke - United States - Federal Way

Today, my cleavage got me out of a speeding ticket. That is, until the officer looked up long enough to realize I'm a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26798

You deserved it

4581

Favorite

By Evra - United States - Tampa

Today, I was asked by a total stranger if I had Tourettes. This is the third time this has happened to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29068

You deserved it

5563

Favorite

By WheatiesMan

Today, I'm on a class trip to Washington DC. Last night, my roommate took a shower, and I decided that I would take one in the morning. This morning, I found out after I got out of the shower that my roommate used one towel for drying himself, and the other for a mat. He didn't hang either of them up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12874

You deserved it

1262

Favorite

By justfired - Canada

Today, I got fired from my job for not "interacting with customers." That's understandable. The thing is, my job didn't actually include any customer interaction. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38192

You deserved it

3180

Favorite

By outofluckatcollege - United States - Lewisville

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. It wouldn't be so bad if we weren't stuck rooming together for the rest of a semester that hasn't even started yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13835

You deserved it

1443

Favorite

By - France

Today, I can hear my parents having sex in the next room. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47505

You deserved it

4343

Favorite

By adc2502

That was short-lived.

Today, after getting my first debit card, I spent £60 on porn online. My mum made me print off a statement at the ATM as she wanted to know where my money had gone. She saw everything and cut up my card. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1970

You deserved it

8366

Favorite

By JustAnotherTina - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - Australia

Appropriate?

Today, I got an email. It said, "Everyone hates you. We voted." FML

I agree, your life sucks

40381

You deserved it

5755

Favorite

By Some Girl - United States

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house to meet his parents. Right when I arrived, his little sister said, "She's a lot fatter than you said!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

34108

You deserved it

4937

Favorite

By superficialheart - China

Today, while riding back from a weekend away with my boyfriend, we crashed his motorbike, resulting in us getting thrown over a barbed wire fence into a forest. I woke up in hospital. Apparently, in his adrenaline rush, he climbed back on his bike and continued his trip, forgetting all about me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41308

You deserved it

3236

Favorite

By purpletulip - Canada - Mississauga

Today, my customer complained to me that there were no scallops in her dish when it was "clearly stated on the menu." Finally, after she ran out of breath, I had to show her that the menu said scallions. She didn't understand, screamed at me and then walked out on her bill. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11115

You deserved it

660

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - San Jacinto

Today, it's garbage day. My mom accidentally threw away a receipt she needed to return something and told me to go get it. While I was looking for it, a cop gave me hell for "stealing recyclables on private property." This all happened in my front lawn. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25820

You deserved it

1900

Favorite

By meowcat101 - Canada

Today, my dad decided to take me to play golf to relieve the stress of recovering from a bad concussion. While teaching me to swing, he hit me in the head. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33194

You deserved it

3225

Favorite

By humiliated - United States

Today, I was finally hooking up with a girl I was after for a long time.Things got really hot and heavy but she stopped and looked at me weird. She said, "I can't do it, you're really wet. It looks like chicken fat." FML

I agree, your life sucks

22731

You deserved it

4010

Favorite

By lateforwork

Rush hour

Today, whilst heading out the door to go to work, my lanyard got caught on the doorknob inside, and I watched my keys swing back inside as the door closed behind me. It was locked. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1653

You deserved it

223

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Norwalk

Today, I was house-sitting for my friend. He was late to return and I ended up falling asleep on the couch and having a dream where I violently shat myself and suddenly developed a six-pack. When I woke up, I found the dream was half true. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24815

You deserved it

2281

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By alanharvey15 | 13

#6146550 - Wednesday 17 December 2014 5:45

how the fuck did they get up there first

By tonyfan00 | 38

#6146552 - Wednesday 17 December 2014 5:46

"Again"...? Okay this needs a follow-up.

COMMENTS

By Jayy_Dash23 | 9

#6146546 - Wednesday 17 December 2014 5:44

those must be the goats that ate Billy!

CatchMe25 | 16

#6149140 - Saturday 20 December 2014 10:57

It's pretty common lol. Where I love there's a farmers market type building that has goats that live on the roof. Tons of grass and they climb up and down. But I think the same thing when I see them...makes me giggle :)

By alanharvey15 | 13

#6146550 - Wednesday 17 December 2014 5:45

how the fuck did they get up there first

MrSassypants | 32

#6146558 - Wednesday 17 December 2014 5:48

Isn't it obvious? They traded the money they make from selling illegal goat chowder to buy a jetpack from the black market. It's common sense.

MossyMegaMan | 20

#6146636 - Wednesday 17 December 2014 6:35

No, they drank a red bull. Duh.

ruxtain | 15

#6146691 - Wednesday 17 December 2014 8:16

Seriously, how did that happen? A slope? Or it's just they are very good jumpers?

MzZombicidal | 36

#6146718 - Wednesday 17 December 2014 9:14

Goats are great climbers, #25.

hard_candy | 25

#6146742 - Wednesday 17 December 2014 10:29

goats are literally the masters of physics. they have great balance and are quite agile. think mountain goats that prance around rocky cliffs ever so majestically. some times they even so flips and tricks.

MisUnFortunate | 31

#6149080 - Saturday 20 December 2014 8:09

There's a shed on one side of the house and they climb on the shed roof which is on the other side of my bedroom wall.

MisUnFortunate | 31

#6149087 - Saturday 20 December 2014 8:21

They climbed onto the roof of the shed which is connected to the outside of my bedroom wall on the side of the house. And there is a bit of a slope yes.