Today, I woke up to the lovely sounds of goats having escaped...

By MisUnFortunate - 16/12/2014 18:42 - United States - Stevenson

Today, I woke up to the lovely sounds of goats having escaped their pen and climbed onto the roof. Again. FML

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MisUnFortunate Say more :

Hi, I posted this FML. So the goats have escaped their pen and climbed onto the shed roof, don't ask me how because I have no idea. They also attack the watchdog we got specifically to watch them. Poor guy. If my mom didn't like having goats so much I'd have already sacrificed them to Satan, believe me.

Animals

Rock, hard place

Work name

Dad jokes, part 43884

By anon - 12/4/2011 10:09

Today, I wore a Stanford college T-shirt to school. My Spanish teacher took one look at it and said "You wish". FML

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By blackvogue - 1/4/2009 10:42 - Canada

Today, I got up early to prank my family. I put a bucket of ice water on top of a door frame so whoever walked through would get an icy surprise. After I was done, I went back to bed. I woke up groggy and disoriented like always and walked right through the doorway I had rigged. FML

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By Kristat - 1/4/2012 04:32 - United States

Today, because I was the only manager scheduled, I went into work despite feeling sick to my stomach. While sitting down with a customer, I got the urge to throw up and tried to hold it back. Instead I vomited in my mouth, instinctively swallowed and started choking in front of the customer. FML

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By surfer - 21/7/2014 17:14 - United States - New York

Today, I went surfing, got a few rides, then realized I had my phone in my pocket. FML

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By sad - 5/5/2011 14:40 - United Kingdom

Today, I discovered that my new boyfriend is the type of guy who, when there is a conflict, will just scream "I LOVE YOU" over and over hoping that it will solve itself instead of actually trying to work the problem out. FML

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By level6 - 23/10/2010 22:11 - United States

Today, after constantly checking my email for a week, I finally got a letter saying that I was accepted to take a test for a job position. The only problem is I was scheduled to test today, eight hours ago. FML

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By Ann - 18/3/2013 14:36 - United States

Today, my boyfriend informed me that from now on during sex, I have to be on top at all times, saying I need the exercise more than him. As offensive as this was, I was actually happy because he's crap on top. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/9/2019 14:00

Caddy Shack

Today, I've had people calling the golf course just to ask what the weather's going to be like tomorrow. I’m a golf professional, not the weather man. FML

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By atleastshelldiefirst - 13/10/2012 00:18 - United States

Today, I was grocery shopping, when an elderly lady walked up to me and tripped over her own feet. I caught her by the arm, at which point she shrieked at me for "groping" her. She ended up smirking as security threw me out of the store. FML

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By sdk2010 - 6/3/2012 17:05 - Canada

Today, I was fired from my job. My boss claimed it was because I smelled like alcohol, never mind the fact that my job was brew master at a beer company. FML

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By gonads - 23/8/2017 16:00

Banana-nana fo-fo-nads

Today, I was playing baseball. My full name is Nadeene, my nickname is Dee, but people have started calling me Nads. Someone yelled out "Go Nads" as I went up to bat. Guess what my new nickname is? FML

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By nightmarestonite - 16/12/2013 21:54 - Canada

Today, I was admiring a beautiful painting I had hung in my bedroom. My brother kindly pointed out that when flipped upside down, it takes the shape of a lunatic girl with bleeding eyes. Now I can't unsee it. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/5/2020 23:00

The geyser

Today, my girlfriend was on top in reverse cowgirl. After she orgasmed, all I heard was, "Oh fuck" and she clenched her butt to try stop, but it was too late, she shot diarrhoea up my stomach, chest and neck. The only reason I didn’t get any in my mouth was because it all got caught in my beard. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/8/2009 23:00 - United States

Today, my son hit my husband's shop-vac while pulling into the garage too fast. He was grounded for 3 days. Later, while trying to demonstrate how to park safely, I hit my husband in his happy sacks with the mirror. FML

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By mark - 5/3/2012 22:55 - United Kingdom

Today, I took my girlfriend out to a nice restaurant for our anniversary. Mid-way through the meal, a guy at the table across left for the restroom. My girlfriend reached over and swiped the guy's wallet from the table. My gonads went AWOL, and I couldn't even bring myself to call her out on it. FML

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By pkz - 31/1/2010 02:11 - France

Today, I found out that my husband of five years was living a double life. He and his mistress have two children together and a third one on the way. He told me the only reason he stayed with me was for my money. I make about 8 dollars an hour and work two jobs to make ends meet. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/9/2010 04:40 - United States

Today, after doing it with my girlfriend, she told me that she was "faking the whole time, and thinking of talking cupcakes." FML

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By katie_sadface - 15/10/2012 02:19 - Canada

Today, I learned why so much money has been missing from my credit card account. My boyfriend stole it, and has been buying toys for his 3 children. I never knew he had kids. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/7/2015 16:32 - United States - Birmingham

Today, I waited 45 minutes at the Apple Store for my grandpa to very loudly ask why PornHub wasn't loading on his computer. FML

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By "sanza666" - 26/4/2019 00:00

Today, I shattered a coffee pot at work and ended up with a piece of glass in my eye. Now I have to look like a pirate until its healed, and it's nowhere near Halloween. FML

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By tb351 - 28/5/2011 23:37 - United States

Today, I asked my kids if I looked good before going to work. Smiling, they told me I looked wonderful. It wasn't until I got to work and looked into the mirror until I noticed my left eyebrow was gone. FML

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By funnygirl018 - 28/5/2013 22:14 - United States

Today, it was my very last day teaching my dance class. After the class ended, the owner of the studio started clapping and told all my students to give me a hug. No one hugged me. No one. FML

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By ssnickel - 7/7/2009 21:29 - United States

Today, I accidentally dropped my birth control pill on the floor and my dog ate it. The good news is, I startled her and she spit it right out. The bad news is, I still had to take it after it had been in my dog's mouth. FML

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By diapermommy - 26/8/2009 14:17 - United States

Today, my 5-year-old daughter saw a pad commercial. She asked me what they were, but I didn't think she was old enough to hear it. I just told her that they're like diapers for mommies. Now she won't stop telling people that mommy wears diapers. FML

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By Ethan_18 - 14/12/2012 05:10 - United States

Today, as my 12 hour shift was about to finish, a young boy came in wanting to buy a $200 gaming device. His mom said he was purchasing it with his own money, which I found admirable. That is, until he took his piggy bank out of his backpack. FML

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By traumatised - 15/6/2019 22:27

Today, I went to make my morning coffee as usual. When I opened the container for the coffee grounds, I saw it bubbling. Perplexed, I looked closer. This is how I discovered that maggots can actually bubble what they ingest. FML

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By boss_daughter - 20/5/2015 12:03 - United States

Today, while we were at a work party, I noticed a drunk lady in the mix. I pointed out to my boss how dumb she looked. It was his daughter. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/11/2011 03:51 - United States

Today, I rubbed my face in my armpit stubble because it felt like my ex-boyfriend's face. FML

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By worst day of my life - 6/7/2019 20:04

Today, my friends kidnapped me as a surprise birthday prank, and threw me into my own car's trunk. As they drove the car to PF Chang's, I'm freaking out, blindfolded and hogtied. My car was low on gas, and they ran out on the highway. They left me in the car on I-275 for 9 hours. FML

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By - 12/11/2008 08:10 - France

Today, I dropped my keys in the sewer. The spare ones are inside my locked car. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/12/2020 01:00

Second time

Today, I woke up with a rash on my face after just getting over a bad cold. I was told by the doctor that it was a staph infection spread by wearing a face mask. The face mask I wore so people wouldn’t catch the cold from me. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/10/2011 21:27 - Canada

Today, while at my job as a hostess, I was seating a couple and their adorable little girl. I tried to ask how old she was, but what came out was, "Aww, what breed is she?" FML

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By AUDONEE - 10/2/2010 06:39 - United States

Today, I received multiple phone calls asking how much my Siamese cat cost. Too bad I never had a Siamese cat - let alone a Siamese cat up for sale. Turns out the guy I prank phone called the other day didn't appreciate it and put my number on Craigslist with an add for a Siamese cat. FML

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By FreeToFly3733 - 19/8/2010 11:25 - Canada

Today, I finally found my cellphone when I heard WHACKWHACKWHACK inside the washing machine. FML

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By laurwitharawr - 6/10/2009 12:08 - United States

Today, my daughter was feeling sick. She threw up on the floor. As I was cleaning up her vomit, she threw up on my head. Twice. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/11/2011 02:09 - United States

Today, I'm spending time with my granny, with whom I'm supposed to live with for a few weeks. I've noticed that she repeats the last word of every sentence I say, and now I'm wondering how it's possible for me to now be so horrible that I want to punch a sweet 92-year-old lady in the head. FML

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By Math_Rocker - 2/9/2009 22:17 - United States

Today, I fell asleep in class. Usually, people just sit still when asleep. Nope, not me. Not only had I been violently rocking and nodding my head, the teacher stopped class for everyone to see for 5 minutes as she made jokes. What woke me? The intense laughter followed by embarrassment. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/12/2015 09:57 - United Kingdom - Oxford

Today, I got a call from my roommate's mother, asking me to hide her flip flops so she couldn't wear them out in sub-zero temperatures. FML

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By verrine - 19/6/2009 08:22 - United Kingdom

Today, I was mugged on my way to the bus stop. With no money or mobile I started to panic about the exam I had and ran the 3.5 miles to get to there. When I staggered up to the building only 20mins after the exam started, the university staff wouldn't let me sit it as I couldn't prove my identity. FML

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By tooembarassed - 3/2/2012 20:47 - United States

Today, I got a date for Valentine's Day. The date is with my orthodontist; he's going to tighten my braces. FML

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Top comments

By alanharvey15 | 13

#6146550 - Wednesday 17 December 2014 5:45

how the fuck did they get up there first

By tonyfan00 | 38

#6146552 - Wednesday 17 December 2014 5:46

"Again"...? Okay this needs a follow-up.

Comments

By Jayy_Dash23 | 9

#6146546 - Wednesday 17 December 2014 5:44

those must be the goats that ate Billy!

CatchMe25 | 16

#6149140 - Saturday 20 December 2014 10:57

It's pretty common lol. Where I love there's a farmers market type building that has goats that live on the roof. Tons of grass and they climb up and down. But I think the same thing when I see them...makes me giggle :)

By alanharvey15 | 13

#6146550 - Wednesday 17 December 2014 5:45

how the fuck did they get up there first

MrSassypants | 32

#6146558 - Wednesday 17 December 2014 5:48

Isn't it obvious? They traded the money they make from selling illegal goat chowder to buy a jetpack from the black market. It's common sense.

MossyMegaMan | 20

#6146636 - Wednesday 17 December 2014 6:35

No, they drank a red bull. Duh.

ruxtain | 15

#6146691 - Wednesday 17 December 2014 8:16

Seriously, how did that happen? A slope? Or it's just they are very good jumpers?

MzZombicidal | 36

#6146718 - Wednesday 17 December 2014 9:14

Goats are great climbers, #25.

hard_candy | 25

#6146742 - Wednesday 17 December 2014 10:29

goats are literally the masters of physics. they have great balance and are quite agile. think mountain goats that prance around rocky cliffs ever so majestically. some times they even so flips and tricks.

MisUnFortunate | 31

#6149080 - Saturday 20 December 2014 8:09

There's a shed on one side of the house and they climb on the shed roof which is on the other side of my bedroom wall.

MisUnFortunate | 31

#6149087 - Saturday 20 December 2014 8:21

They climbed onto the roof of the shed which is connected to the outside of my bedroom wall on the side of the house. And there is a bit of a slope yes.