Miscellaneous: Today, I woke up to my roommate's friend rustling in the attic...

By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I woke up to my roommate's friend rustling in the attic without permission to be there. When I asked how he got in with all doors and windows locked, he simply said, "It's a secret." FML

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Miscellaneous

There's no helping some people

Gas giant

Roommate from hell

By Samipearl - United States

Today, while at a restaurant with my boyfriend, a piece of ice got stuck in my throat. I couldn't get his attention until after it melted because he was busy checking in on foursquare. When he finally noticed my freaking out and I told him what had happened, he laughed. FML

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By haileypaige123 - United States

Today, I went to my first party, hoping to maybe meet some people. I was there for 4 hours, and the person/thing that I interacted most with was a cat. FML

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By edodge - United States

Today, at work, my boss and I went upstairs to storage. We got in the elevator, I pressed the 2nd floor button, and it didn't move so I repeatedly pressed the button. It wasn't until the 5th press that I realized we were already on the 2nd floor. She thought I was an idiot. FML

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By Needsanewjob - United States

Today, I guess I accidentally left Facebook open on my work computer while I went to the bathroom, because my boss updated my status to "Unemployed." FML

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By wendtinmypants - United States - Omaha

Today, I took out my phone and realized I butt dialed my girlfriend and left her a 4 minute voicemail of me farting in an echoing toilet bowl. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a mother wrote me a $130 check for babysitting her four kids for a few hours. Trying to be gracious, I said, "Wow, thank you, this is very generous!" She thought for a minute, then said, "You're right." She took the check back, ripped it up, and wrote me a new one for $55. FML

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By RIP job - Australia

Today, I had a job interview for an amazing opportunity. Too bad my nerves made me forget what the role was and where it was, mid-interview. FML

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By cosmonaut - New Zealand

Accusations

Today, at work I noticed that the last of my pencils had been taken from my desk. I assumed it was the coworker who I've talked to at least ten times regarding taking my stationery. I approached her and, feeling brave, yelled at her in front of the entire office. I was holding the pencil. FML

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By yesguysgetabusedtoo - New Zealand - Papamoa

Today, my girlfriend had someone else dump me via text message. I knew it wasn't her because for once I wasn't being viciously insulted, and it wasn't written as if an illiterate baboon had taken a shit all over her keypad. I can't even feel happy about being rid of her. FML

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By fuckingfloridahowihatethee - United States - Punta Gorda

Today, I was taking the bus to work, when a man sat down beside me. The guy was nuttier than Ron Jeremy's ballsack, and had a face like a shovel and the worst meth mouth I've ever seen. I had to sit there for ages while he frantically muttered to himself and picked at my hair. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Diego

Today, I came home to find out my roommate sold my PS4, because, "You don't use it anymore." FML

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By StiffPvtParts

Today, after a night of drinking, I awoke in the early hours of the morning to a sight of my roommate playing with my penis. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my extremely loud and nocturnal flatmate phoned me to tell me excitedly that he got an accordion for his birthday. FML

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By oh. - United States

Proof of love

Today, I flew cross-country to see my girlfriend of three years. Once I got there, she broke up with me. I was supposed to be staying for a month and now I have nowhere to go. FML

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By whatever - Canada - Calgary

Today, my long-distance boyfriend broke up with me. Tomorrow he should be getting the super long love letter that I poured my heart into and sent him a week ago. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Leicester

Today, I heard my surgeon mutter to a nurse how easy it would be to kill me on the operating table and make it look like an accident. FML

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By Raela - United States - Fort Lee

Today, I learned that toddlers cannot fully digest raisins. I learned this first-hand when my 15-month-old began pooping them whole. In the bathtub. FML

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By Anon - United States

Today, the guy I've had the biggest crush on came to my house to pick me up for our first date. As we were leaving, my father screams out "Do you still have diarrhea?" I don't have diarrhea. My dad thinks he's so funny. FML

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By rkl2010 - United States

Today, when I went to pick up my daughter from preschool, I found out she'd "accidentally" tried to flush her clothes down the toilet while going to the bathroom. FML

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By FlyingFist - United States

Today, I got a call from my boyfriend saying I needed to come home immediately. When I got there, he informed me that the reason I needed to rush home from work was because he wiped a booger on the wall and it was in the shape of a penis. He said it's a sign, like when people see Jesus in toast. FML

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By Forge - United States - Taylor

Today, I went to my grandma's yard sale, only to find my baby pictures being sold for 25 cents each. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while leaving a football game, I saw a half-empty bottle of Mountain Dew on the ground. It was night-time and there weren't many people around, so for a laugh, I picked it up and tossed it behind me as hard as I could. It hit someone. FML

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By storyofmylife - Canada - Truro

Today, my boyfriend and I were hanging out when he suddenly said, "Do you know who I think is the most beautiful girl in the world?" I prepared myself for a cute compliment, until he showed me a picture of another girl. FML

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By C. Kronick - United States

Today, my boyfriend started affectionately calling me "Burt Reynolds" because I wax my upper lip. FML

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By BearGrillz - United States

Today, there were some wasps getting in my bedroom from a hole in the frame of my window. I went outside with some spray and took out their entrance. What I didnt know is that when you spray wasps, they go the other direction. I now have 60+ wasps flying around my bedroom. FML

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By Is_This_Real - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, I hooked up with a friend. I expressed an interest in it becoming something more. He expressed an interest in not telling anyone and pretending it never happened. FML

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By i fuckin love habaneros - United States - Charlottesville

Today, I'm so deprived of female attention that I got a hard-on when a nurse told me I have beautiful veins. FML

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By df22 - 3/7/2020 20:08

Graded

Today, I got my language final exam back. It was a 10-page essay front and back, and I saw that I received a D. The teacher told me the plot was too hard to follow and it jumped all over the place. It turns out he forgot to read the back of every page. FML

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By StabStab - Belgium

Today, my girlfriend accused me of being insecure and feeling threatened by the fact that she has a daughter from a previous relationship. She's vaguely right; I feel threatened, but mainly because the psycho keeps threatening to stab me to death when her mom isn't around to hear. FML

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By gaggin - United States - Beverly Hills

Today, I woke up to find pieces of a dead spider stuck in my braces. FML

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By breakinphones - United States

Today, I threw my brand new iPhone 4 in the air whilst laying on my bed. It came down, went through my fingers, landed on my balls, then broke on the concrete floor. FML

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By SlappyMcGee - United States

Today, I was talking to a hot girl at the bus stop. She seemed interested in me and I was feeling a connection forming. When the bus came, I offered to let her board first, but she said it "wasn't her bus" and said goodbye. Later, I realized I'd spent 20 minutes making moves on a prostitute. FML

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By UniStudi

Today I sent a message out to a support group to get and give support following a sexual assault, the person who responded and was giving advice was the person who assaulted me. FML

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By doggone - United States - King Of Prussia

Today, I walked in on my new puppy peeing on the carpet. The trainer had told me to punish her when she's bad by shaking a metal can of pennies at her, since the noise scares dogs. I shook it at her, and she responded by having explosive diarrhea all over the carpet in fright. FML

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By 0h_Boy

Death Rattle part 2: Electric Boogaloo

Today, at my job in a funeral home, I was transferring a body off a stretcher when it exhaled its last breath. Right into my face. FML

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By noO - United States - Greenwood

Whisky dickhead

Today, for the seventh weekend in a row, I left my weekly visit with my long-distance boyfriend unsatisfied. Seems he enjoys getting shit-faced drunk more than he enjoys getting a boner. FML

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By unwanted - Canada

Today, I told my mom about how my friend is going to China for a year instead of college. My mom suggested that I could do the same. When I told her that a trip to China is probably more expensive than my college tuition, my mom replied, "Not for a one way ticket". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it's been a full week since my last orthodontist appointment and I still can't eat anything besides Slimfast and pudding. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Port Saint Lucie

Today, my commitment issues were perfectly illustrated when I couldn't put a nail in the wall to hang a painting, because, "What if I change my mind?" FML

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By BirdBrain

Today, I discovered that I don't have a college fund. My mother stole the money when she divorced my dad and he never bothered to tell me. Now he's offered to pay my tuition if I go to a military academy. If I don't take the offer, he wants me to move out by next Friday. FML

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Top comments

By kimsimwolf | 8

#6508287 - Tuesday 12 January 2016 8:55

A secret he can explain to the police after you call them.

By slingerslasher | 24

#6508292 - Tuesday 12 January 2016 9:00

Good thing he didn't pull the secret string, revealing the secret compartment of my secret box!

COMMENTS

By kimsimwolf | 8

#6508287 - Tuesday 12 January 2016 8:55

A secret he can explain to the police after you call them.

CaptMacLeod | 45

#6508289 - Tuesday 12 January 2016 8:59

"Why are the police here?"
"It's a secret, too."

friedpwnadge | 25

#6508327 - Tuesday 12 January 2016 9:57

Time to change the locks.

SixthSinEnvy | 39

#6508717 - Tuesday 12 January 2016 22:33

Change the locks? Time to change addresses.

By Noelletakumi | 36

#6508291 - Tuesday 12 January 2016 9:00

That's terrifying, I would call the police. Unless he just spent the night with your roommate and is messing with you. But, still not cool.

By slingerslasher | 24

#6508292 - Tuesday 12 January 2016 9:00

Good thing he didn't pull the secret string, revealing the secret compartment of my secret box!

rjc490 | 29

#6508317 - Tuesday 12 January 2016 9:44

Mischief managed....

slingerslasher | 24

#6508356 - Tuesday 12 January 2016 11:19

AN EMBARRASSING SNAPSHOT OF SPONGEBOB AT THE CHRISTMAS PARTY

Myo_fml | 20

#6508397 - Tuesday 12 January 2016 12:51

I really love the internet. if you Google it, so many artists have depicted what they think that photo looks like. Search it, search it now.

By Feklfekl2222 | 32

#6508293 - Tuesday 12 January 2016 9:01

Well at least he's your roommates friend not a stranger, so they're more likely to investigate him during the murder investigation

By MrSarary | 26

#6508299 - Tuesday 12 January 2016 9:08

Maybe you're roommate let them in? I mean they are friends. On the other hand maybe there really is a secret passage way into you attic?

By badassmf1234 | 22

#6508306 - Tuesday 12 January 2016 9:20

That's not creepy at all

By LPac5295 | 27

#6508314 - Tuesday 12 January 2016 9:33

This will be a fun story for the police!

By ronnixoxo | 18

#6508325 - Tuesday 12 January 2016 9:50

damn tweakers.

By 8Dirty1 | 24

#6508341 - Tuesday 12 January 2016 10:45

would you prefer your attic was haunted instead?

laden_swallow09 | 34

#6508463 - Tuesday 12 January 2016 14:51

Yes. Because ghosts can't kill me in my sleep even if they wanted. Just like mediums and exorcists, I can call up the police to remove a troublesome trespasser, if not more easily.

By devinm112233 | 22

#6508342 - Tuesday 12 January 2016 10:46

I would just go back to bed XD