Today, I woke up to my roommate's friend rustling in the attic...

By Anonymous - 11/1/2016 21:52 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I woke up to my roommate's friend rustling in the attic without permission to be there. When I asked how he got in with all doors and windows locked, he simply said, "It's a secret." FML

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Miscellaneous

Alexa, play "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath

Relationships sink

Hello everyone!

By Anonymous - 16/10/2010 02:00 - United States

Today, it's my birthday. My dad was supposed to take me to get a tattoo, but instead he went to the bar, got drunk, and told me how I was the biggest mistake he and my mom have ever made. FML

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By jazzyfizzle - 31/5/2009 01:13 - United States

Today, I was partnered with this really sexy guy for an audition. He says, "Am I really stuck with you? I can't even stand being seen with you in public!" I start cursing him out really loud, but then I realize that he's only reading the script. Everyone was staring, and he called me a crazy bitch. FML

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By loveless - 24/9/2009 04:30 - United States

Today, I surprised my girlfriend with U2 tickets. Still no action. FML

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By howler - 15/2/2011 06:44 - United States

Make it rain

Today, my mother walked in on me rubbing $400 in $20 bills all over myself. FML

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By cacheson - 5/3/2020 03:02

Trip Advisor rating: 5 turds

Today, I checked into a hotel for a work trip. When I walked in, the sheets and bath mat were stained, and there was soap-encrusted hair stuck in my folded towel. When I got back later in the day, all my stuff was gone because they apparently thought I'd checked out. FML

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By anon - 25/12/2014 20:20 - United States - Irwin

Today, a very drunk woman at the family Christmas party told me she felt terrible that I don't have a mother who cares about me. She is my mother. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/12/2010 07:42 - United States

Today, a group of carolers was coming up my street, so I went out in the cold to wait for them. When they finally arrived, I waved and greeted them. They huddled up discussing something while pointing at me, then skipped my house. FML

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By Lucky - 21/6/2009 21:21 - United States

Today, I recieved a phone call from a cruise line I had travelled on with my parents a year ago. After being told I had won a free $2,000 cruise from a sweepstakes I had entered while on the cruise. After celebrating loudly they informed me that you have to be 23 or older to collect it. I'm 17. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/4/2020 20:00

News to me

Today, my dad told me he liked men. While he was making a drunken speech. At my wedding. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/7/2011 18:45 - United States

Today, my roommate showed me that her pepper spray had expired, so I decided to test it on myself. It worked. FML

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By madiison09 - 1/4/2013 17:46 - United States

Today, I got a letter from Yale law school saying I got a 4 year full scholarship. I called my dad crying and read the whole thing... even the bottom, which said, "April fools! Love mom and dad." FML

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By disgusting - 31/5/2015 09:13 - United Kingdom - Thetford

Today, I uploaded a photo of myself at the beach on Facebook. The first comment it got was "Wow!! If I was 20 yrs younger, oh boy ;)". Yeah, thanks for that, grandpa. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/7/2009 01:26 - United States

Today, I had to go through the embarrassment and pain of telling my parents I was pregnant. I took the test and it came out positive and I was freaking out. I got grounded for the rest of the year and they're really disappointed in me. Five minutes ago, I got my period. FML

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By justplainsad - 17/9/2009 04:15 - United States

Today, I finally figured out that when a man says "Maybe some other time, I'll be busy then" more than once, he really means "I don't really want to see you again. I didn't think you'd actually USE my number." FML

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By RWW - 28/7/2010 17:38 - United States

Today, at work, I was talking to a customer. She kept shaking her head "no" at everything I said. I asked what she was disagreeing with. She told me she has Parkinson's Disease, teared up, and asked to speak to my manager. FML

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By everybodysfool - 24/12/2009 01:02 - United States

Today, after having an amazing intimate encounter with my boyfriend of 2 years, I put on an old pair of boxers I still have from when I was heavier. He thinks I am cheating on him and doesn't believe I used to be fat. Now he won't talk to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/9/2012 11:38 - United States - Salem

Today, I realized how much it sucks to have the same name as my dad when I overheard my mom moan his name in bed. FML

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By Jackie - 18/9/2009 01:36 - United States

Today, I finally told my fiancé about the crippling sexual abuse I suffered through as a child. He immediately broke off the wedding. His reason? He can't marry someone who isn't "pure". FML

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By ouch - 25/3/2010 08:00 - United States

Today, while having sex, I tried to kick the blanket over my feet and kneed myself in the face. FML

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By Well then - 10/9/2018 03:30

Today, I discovered that my fiancé and I had vastly different definitions of monogamy. Don't worry, he only did it when he was mad at me to remind him how much he loved me. I found out from my best friend. FML

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By dawg3360 - 7/6/2009 06:02 - Canada

Today, I noticed I have to lift up my fat to see my penis. FML

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By Itsbeen8years - 5/4/2015 19:18 - Slovakia - Stupava

Today, I found my first bra and tried it on. It still fits. FML

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By LetsMakeLove - 10/6/2009 18:42 - United States

Today, I went to the game with my boss and some people he does business with on his tab. I got so drunk that I blacked out, threw up all over the table, and passed out in the bathroom. I woke up alone with my body reeking of vomit, and no phone. FML

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By inpain - 20/11/2009 15:51 - United States

Today, I thought it would be funny to touch my girlfriend's back with my cold hands. She thought it would be funny to crush my left testicle with her knee as I was trying to fall asleep. FML

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By really - 21/6/2012 05:30 - United States - Bonney Lake

Today, my boyfriend thought he could make a pregnancy test read positive by jizzing on it. FML

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By anonymous - 5/9/2014 18:54 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I just got back from a two week vacation. I live with six people and only the dog was happy to see me. FML

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By WellFineThen - 17/4/2017 05:00 - United States - Cedar Falls

Today, at work, a woman screamed at me and called me a bitch because I refused to refund something we give away for free. FML

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By ohdang - 12/8/2009 06:20 - United States

Today, whilst babysitting, I broke a glass. I explained to the kid that it was very important not to walk barefoot around where it had happened, because of the tiny bits of glass. He jumped back, scared, and while doing so tripped. I rushed to help him and ran through the broken glass. Barefoot. FML

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By ClairvoyantVamp - 6/7/2016 23:09 - United States - Raleigh

Today, I found out my aunt posted a picture of my butt in a bikini bottom on Facebook. I didn't even know she had taken that picture. FML

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By Lmop68 - 27/5/2009 05:27 - Canada

Today, I saw my crush waving me over from the other end of the parking lot. I ran quickly to greet him, but in my excitement didn't take note of the giant Hummer backing out. I broke two ribs and all my crush was trying to do was warn me of the moving vehicle I was about to run into. FML

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By jack - 28/2/2011 05:43

Today, my shoulder was pulled out of its socket when I was helping a customer load a desk into his vehicle and he decided to answer his cell phone. FML

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By Wouldntitbeniceif - 1/5/2009 03:13 - United States

Today, I went for a hike with the local search and rescue volunteer group that I recently joined. I got lost and spent 5 hours wandering aimlessly. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/2/2016 23:21 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I had to give up going to a therapist because it was too expensive and my parents couldn't afford it. Meanwhile, a girl in my class is getting a therapist for her dog. FML

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By churchgoer - 20/3/2009 03:34 - United States

Today, I went to confession. I told the priest that I had an intimate relationship with a woman that I'm not married to. He chuckled and said, "You know, lying is a sin too." I wasn't lying. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/9/2010 07:20 - United States

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years, telling him he needed to be more responsible, and stop relying on me for everything. When I told him to leave, he told me he needed some gas money. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/1/2013 21:26 - United States - Lake Forest

Today, I have to take a midterm, which is worth a large part of my grade. All our teacher has taught us so far is how to roast s'mores over a Bunsen burner, and how to make gummy bears explode. Our test is on kinetics. FML

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By proteinboy - 16/11/2009 03:00 - United States

Today, I waited for 20 minutes to get a cab outside grand central station in New York (it was raining). Finally, to my relief, I found a cab but when I got in I let a little fart slip. Two minutes later the cabby kicked me out of his cab because I stunk. FML

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By steve-o - 14/2/2019 15:46 - United States

Today, while spooning my spouse, I was awakened in the wee hours by a huge, junk-rattling fart. This has happened numerous times since she became a vegetarian. FML

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By backtosquareone - 4/10/2009 09:42 - Canada

Today, after weeks of therapy for severe depression, my therapist thought it would be helpful to confess my deepest problems to my friends, to prove that it was alright to trust people. I did. They laughed. Hard. FML

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By leopard - 1/6/2018 19:00

Today, I was finally confident enough to buzz half my hair off into the style I've wanted since I was young. Turns out that I have a particularly large and angry-looking skin problem across my scalp that may well have been there for years. It'll take months to grow back. FML

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Top comments

By kimsimwolf | 8

#6508287 - Tuesday 12 January 2016 8:55

A secret he can explain to the police after you call them.

By slingerslasher | 24

#6508292 - Tuesday 12 January 2016 9:00

Good thing he didn't pull the secret string, revealing the secret compartment of my secret box!

Comments

By kimsimwolf | 8

#6508287 - Tuesday 12 January 2016 8:55

A secret he can explain to the police after you call them.

CaptMacLeod | 45

#6508289 - Tuesday 12 January 2016 8:59

"Why are the police here?"
"It's a secret, too."

friedpwnadge | 25

#6508327 - Tuesday 12 January 2016 9:57

Time to change the locks.

SixthSinEnvy | 39

#6508717 - Tuesday 12 January 2016 22:33

Change the locks? Time to change addresses.

By Noelletakumi | 36

#6508291 - Tuesday 12 January 2016 9:00

That's terrifying, I would call the police. Unless he just spent the night with your roommate and is messing with you. But, still not cool.

By slingerslasher | 24

#6508292 - Tuesday 12 January 2016 9:00

Good thing he didn't pull the secret string, revealing the secret compartment of my secret box!

rjc490 | 29

#6508317 - Tuesday 12 January 2016 9:44

Mischief managed....

slingerslasher | 24

#6508356 - Tuesday 12 January 2016 11:19

AN EMBARRASSING SNAPSHOT OF SPONGEBOB AT THE CHRISTMAS PARTY

Myo_fml | 20

#6508397 - Tuesday 12 January 2016 12:51

I really love the internet. if you Google it, so many artists have depicted what they think that photo looks like. Search it, search it now.

By Feklfekl2222 | 32

#6508293 - Tuesday 12 January 2016 9:01

Well at least he's your roommates friend not a stranger, so they're more likely to investigate him during the murder investigation

By MrSarary | 26

#6508299 - Tuesday 12 January 2016 9:08

Maybe you're roommate let them in? I mean they are friends. On the other hand maybe there really is a secret passage way into you attic?

By badassmf1234 | 22

#6508306 - Tuesday 12 January 2016 9:20

That's not creepy at all

By LPac5295 | 27

#6508314 - Tuesday 12 January 2016 9:33

This will be a fun story for the police!

By ronnixoxo | 18

#6508325 - Tuesday 12 January 2016 9:50

damn tweakers.

By 8Dirty1 | 24

#6508341 - Tuesday 12 January 2016 10:45

would you prefer your attic was haunted instead?

laden_swallow09 | 34

#6508463 - Tuesday 12 January 2016 14:51

Yes. Because ghosts can't kill me in my sleep even if they wanted. Just like mediums and exorcists, I can call up the police to remove a troublesome trespasser, if not more easily.

By devinm112233 | 22

#6508342 - Tuesday 12 January 2016 10:46

I would just go back to bed XD