Animals: Today, I woke up to find that my cat had knocked over a $35 can... - FML

By Anonymous - 22/11/2010 02:51 - United States

Today, I woke up to find that my cat had knocked over a $35 can of powdered baby formula, and there were TWO different colonies of ants warring over the bounty all over the counter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 779

You deserved it 4 142

Compromises

Leave us alone

Commando

By Kerry - 19/06/2009 23:55 - United States

Today, all my friends had a huge party and 'forgot' to invite me. They only remembered about me at 2 am when they called asking for rides home because they were all too drunk to drive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 037

You deserved it 2 596

By Al - 05/08/2009 04:13 - United States

Today, I was leaving the mall. I Instinctively hit the unlock button on my car keys from across the parking lot. Little did I know I was making it a whole lot easier for the guy breaking into my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 625

You deserved it 13 507

By Anonymous - 26/02/2010 11:11 - Norway

Spicy

Today, I bought Plan B for the first time. Not because I had unprotected sex, but to make the cashier think someone would actually sleep with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 769

You deserved it 43 029

By pride? what's that? :( - 01/09/2012 00:23 - Belgium - Leuven

Spicy

Today, I was feeling depressed and got very, very drunk. This evening, I was feeling equally desperate, and ended up having to get my special dildo removed from my asshole at the hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 737

You deserved it 40 284

It's just a prank, bro!

By HOPE YOU GET PEGGED - 21/10/2012 23:00 - Canada - Hinton

Today, my mom hosted a high-school reunion. I had to prepare dessert, while my brother cooked dinner. Being the absolute dickhead that he is, he switched the sugar with salt. All the desserts I made tasted like shit, everyone left, and I got grounded for my supposed prank. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 495

You deserved it 2 393

By scared - 17/03/2015 21:35 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I finally went to the doctor's about my severe anxiety. I am so used to putting on a happy performance around people that she didn't believe anything was wrong with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 597

You deserved it 4 305

Keeping up appearances

By waterpistolriot - 23/10/2020 11:02 - Austria

Today, I ordered food for delivery. I actually made it sound as if there were other people at home so I had an excuse for ordering so much. I don't think they bought it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 439

You deserved it 763

By Z - 03/07/2010 19:26 - United States

Today, after a large, dramatic fight with my girlfriend in a parking lot, we stopped arguing altogether and hugged, dropping the issue. Twenty seconds later, I accidentally slammed her hand in the car door, breaking two of her fingers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 765

You deserved it 14 246

Too on the nose

By Anonymous - 19/07/2021 16:03

Today, my boyfriend was trying to describe his feelings. I asked him if he felt any emotions other than "anger." He went to get a beer and never came back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 856

You deserved it 318

Nose to the grind

By Over-employed - 23/08/2021 20:01

Today, my wife was lucky not to get fired from her part-time job for doing nothing since we went into lockdown 8 weeks ago. To celebrate this, she has downed two bottles of red wine and watched an entire season of Virgin River. Guess I’ll have to find a third job to make up the income when the inevitable happens. FML

I agree, your life sucks 801

You deserved it 83

Overreaction much?

By Anonymous - 08/10/2019 12:00

Today, my boyfriend's mum yelled at me for, "nagging Stephen to get married when he isn't ready." I mentioned marriage once. At my sister's wedding. When prompted by my grandmother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 513

You deserved it 310

By Jeff G. - 23/01/2012 00:31 - United States

Today, I had to send a picture of my Grandma at her funeral to my girlfriend, because she thought I was out cheating on her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 514

You deserved it 5 856

By down trodden - 05/09/2013 07:45 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I came home to find my housemate cowering in the lounge corner, sobbing, hugging a bag of chips while the automatic vacuum cleaner gently bumped into him. Apparently he "mistakenly" put magic mushrooms in his sandwich instead of peanut butter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 361

You deserved it 3 294

Cool trick, mom

By fuck florida - 16/05/2014 19:26 - United States - San Francisco

Spicy

Today, I walked in on my mom showing her friends that she can deepthroat a banana. That's something I could've lived a long and happy life without seeing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 273

You deserved it 5 960

Mirror, mirror

By Anonymous - 21/08/2020 17:01 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today I discovered that I'm so pale that I can lighten up any distant dark corner of the room just by placing my hand by a window and reflecting the light like a mirror. Imagine how bright it would be if I stood by the window naked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 098

You deserved it 206

By school issues - 28/03/2013 14:26 - United States

Today, I found out I'm failing school. Why am I failing? Because I work 60 hours a week. Why do I work 60 hours a week? To pay for school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 551

You deserved it 5 168

By Username - 10/08/2011 06:12 - United States

Today, our AC broke. It's 98 degrees inside the house. My parents will be staying at a 5 star resort until the repairman can come to fix the unit in 6 days. They made me stay home to make sure the plants survive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 140

You deserved it 3 073

By Anonymous - 09/06/2011 16:35 - United States

Today, I received roughly 50 paper cuts while I was at work. I didn't realize this until after I applied hand sanitizer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 236

You deserved it 6 033

By panickygrl - 06/11/2011 17:43 - United States

Today, I had a panic attack. Not on a crowded train, or an airplane, or in school, or any of the expected places. It was in my yoga class, which my therapist recommended for me, while I was in a dead-body position. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 698

You deserved it 3 975

By Anonymous - 13/03/2012 16:08 - United States

Today, I had a mild epileptic seizure. My mom's immediate reaction was not to comfort me or call for help, but to freak out over the fact that I'd spilled my glass of milk over the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 870

You deserved it 2 037

By RaceCar - 12/02/2010 19:24 - United States

Today, it's my sixteenth birthday and my mom promised me she'd buy me a car. She came home with a toy lego car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 612

You deserved it 20 973

By evilparents - 01/11/2010 20:10 - United States

Today, I realized that my parents never ground me as a punishment because I don't get out enough for it to matter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 939

You deserved it 5 962

By 3722145 - 31/01/2015 00:51 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I showed my son the old trick of turning a calculator upside down and spelling "BOOBIES" on it in numbers. He laughed, then spent nearly 20 minutes trying to spell "COCKS", before giving up and hurling the calculator across the room. I wish my sperm had a warranty. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 375

You deserved it 6 836

By k.k. - 05/02/2017 14:00 - United States - Seymour

Today, I left 20 minutes early for school to get a good seat in class. I sat in traffic for 20 minutes before I even got on the thruway and for another 25 minutes once I got off the exit for school. Then I couldn't find parking at my university. I missed class. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 850

You deserved it 786

The nerve of some people

By evecharneco - 25/05/2021 14:01 - United States

Today, it's been a few months since got fired from a job I'd spent two years at. Before getting fired, I trained the entire new staff, and to this day they still message me for help, even though I was fired months ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 974

You deserved it 78

Fear factor

By Anonymous - 04/05/2020 23:00

Today, at about 3:30 a.m. I awoke to the feeling of something dropping on my head. Startled, I turned on the light. It was a gigantic cockroach. I thought I'd killed it, but when I went to collect the body it was gone. I'm too scared to sleep. Even my dog now refuses to be in the bedroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 636

You deserved it 153

By Anonymous - 03/07/2013 00:00 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I came home from a long shift at work to find that my roommate had completely rearranged all of the furniture. Apparently the new arrangement is supposed to improve the feng shui of our apartment. My bed is in the living room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 222

You deserved it 2 926

By grandpa porn - 28/08/2017 01:30

Today, while I was walking to the kitchen, I heard someone on the TV moaning. As I made my way down the stairs, I saw my grandfather quickly change the channel and lean forward. I'm 90% sure I caught my grandpa watching porn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 561

You deserved it 332

Carl Tuckson

By Anonymous - 30/04/2021 20:04

Today, and until today, I'd never met anyone who took Tucker Carlson's bullshit seriously. Then, tonight, I met my girlfriend's parents for the first time. I managed to bite my tongue, but… FML

I agree, your life sucks 742

You deserved it 273

Ever get the feeling you've been cheated?

By kitty - 11/11/2012 10:10 - Australia

Today, I watched my neighbor shake cat food calling, "Come here Mollie" at his back door. I then saw my own cat run into his house. I now know why my cat is so fat and never replies to me calling her Bonnie. I guess I'm being cheated on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 953

You deserved it 3 007

By Anonymous - 12/09/2011 08:43 - United States

Today, my 23 year old boyfriend of 2 years was forced to dump me, over the phone, by his mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 114

You deserved it 3 232

Denial

By Alvin - 02/07/2021 17:01 - Mexico - Mexico

Today, I'm quit my job after finding out that there were multiple confirmed cases of Covid-19. It wouldn't be a big deal, if I didn't find out that people aren't following safe distancing, checking their body heat, walking about without face masks, and leaving the entire site dirty as fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 740

You deserved it 265

By Anonymous - 18/04/2013 07:54 - United States - Chicago

Today, I tried to explain to my history teacher why Woodrow Wilson would not have called the Great War "World War 1" as she constantly claims. I was sent to the office for my insubordination. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 922

You deserved it 4 633

By Anonymous - 26/05/2010 18:03 - Canada

Today, I went into a music store to look into getting a new guitar. I picked up one that I was interested in and tried it out quietly. A sales representative approached me and asked me to "stop the noise and leave the guitars for serious customers." I've been playing for almost ten years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 772

You deserved it 5 997

Don't know, don't care

By Anonymous - 29/07/2021 00:01

Today, I realised that if I died, no one would care. I know this because when I called my partner distressed last night, he told me he needed to sleep and hung up in less than 45 seconds, and a friend told me to call lifeline. I haven’t heard from either of them since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 923

You deserved it 148

By JN5SLK - 08/11/2013 22:29 - United States - Salt Lake City

Spicy

Today, I walked into my dorm room, only to witness my roommate shaving her vag over my trashcan. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 935

You deserved it 4 615

Womens' pockets liberation now!

By Anonymous - 06/06/2021 21:03 - United Kingdom - Runcorn

Today, I had to give in and order men's jeans, just so I could have functional pockets. Ordinarily not a problem, except I have wide hips and a suitable size doesn't seem to exist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 731

You deserved it 99

By xxlenalunaxx - 29/04/2015 11:11 - United States

Today, after waiting for 2 weeks for the right moment to meet my boyfriend's mom, she walked in as I was straddling him, trying to prove that I'd win in a wrestling match. I guess we met, then. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 516

You deserved it 4 250

By pregnant loser apparently - 20/05/2013 04:31 - United States - Franklin

Today, my parents posted on Facebook that they were excited that my sister was pregnant and couldn't wait to be grandparents. Last week I told them that I, a 33-year-old happily married woman, was pregnant and they told me I was ruining my life and encouraged me to have an abortion. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 051

You deserved it 3 550

By rmonk - 24/02/2016 13:13 - United States - Naperville

Today, I went to my required district science fair with my project about gliders and was a bit unprepared in terms of personal knowledge on the science behind gliders. I was hoping I would get a judge who didn't know a lot about aerodynamics. One of my judges was a glider pilot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 674

You deserved it 22 822

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Monday 22 November 2010 9:04

FOR SPARTA!

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Monday 22 November 2010 9:17

All you need now is a colony of acid-shooting termites to kill off all the ants except for one of coarse and you should name him Z.

Comments

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Monday 22 November 2010 9:04

FOR SPARTA!

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Monday 22 November 2010 9:06

Lol#1. op, I feel si bad for u but mainly the baby. hope it gets breast fed.

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Monday 22 November 2010 9:50

I also feel SI bad for OP

TheRealFamilyGuy 5

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Monday 22 November 2010 11:12

I hope the american ants beat the afghan ants and take their baby formula even though it's on their side of the house.

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Monday 22 November 2010 13:10

That was funny.

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Monday 22 November 2010 13:31

LMAO that's an epic win for #1

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Monday 22 November 2010 14:06

lmao I love this comment

Alleged_Cranium 7

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Monday 22 November 2010 14:36

GO RED ANTS!!

KaleidoscopePope 0

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Monday 22 November 2010 16:31

1 lmaooo

MaximilianMarche 0

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Monday 22 November 2010 19:42

haha. great comment

kittysammich_fml 0

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Wednesday 24 November 2010 8:29

For glory

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Monday 22 November 2010 9:06

And it was left open because??

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Monday 22 November 2010 10:14

Usually when you knock something over with a lid like that it pops off, like hot chocolate or a paint tin that's embarrassing in a shop.

ThoraxeTheImpale_fml 0

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Monday 22 November 2010 10:29

Impaling* stupid auto check.-_-

ThoraxeTheImpale_fml 0

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Monday 22 November 2010 10:44

WTF? it's commenting on random fmls and comments.

tellmeastoryplz4 0

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Monday 22 November 2010 15:48

yeah good point #3

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Monday 22 November 2010 9:07

breastfeed dumbass.

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Monday 22 November 2010 9:12

Oh piss off.

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Monday 22 November 2010 9:56

your a reason y condoms should be used! prick

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Monday 22 November 2010 12:04

also called comp talk too

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Monday 22 November 2010 12:41

Yeah not everyone can breastfeed. Women don't always make enough milk and sometimes they make none. Don't be an ass

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Monday 22 November 2010 12:57

And a lot of women both breast feed and give formula.

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Monday 22 November 2010 14:49

Chicster, don't blame your inability to comprehend "your" versus "you're" on so-called "comp talk." It's either laziness or ignorance...or a typo, but I am disinclined to believe that one. And if you would bother to read the rules, your "comp talk" is forbidden. Just like the lambada.

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Tuesday 23 November 2010 7:26

go harass other people who have way worse grammar, punctuation, and spelling mistakes,who actually butcher the English language... boy,you must not have a life if you can sit there all day and bug people about spelling mistakes...it's not school...it's fml for fuck sakes...it's not a job either...whatever.... geez get a real job or actual comment about something worthwhile..

Dr_Awesome654 24

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Thursday 14 April 2016 6:02

#irony

omgYoUbasTards 0

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Monday 22 November 2010 9:09

feed your baby the cat now...problem solved :-D

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Monday 22 November 2010 9:10

lol

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Monday 22 November 2010 9:39

if op is asain, then that's racist!!!!

ThoraxeTheImpale_fml 0

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Monday 22 November 2010 10:12

cat on in implaing stick anyone?

allmidnighteyes 10

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Monday 22 November 2010 10:14

...in implaning stick?

artemisrox98 10

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Monday 22 November 2010 20:43

I think he/she meant impaling. :)

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Tuesday 23 November 2010 7:50

should feed the cat you

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Monday 22 November 2010 9:14

Awww, cats are so cute!

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Monday 22 November 2010 9:15

Omg I hate ants :O

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Monday 22 November 2010 10:38

:O Nooooooooo!!! Ants are awesome!!!

Alleged_Cranium 7

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Monday 22 November 2010 14:37

OMG, I hate OMG!

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Monday 7 February 2011 3:05

n they hate u 2

fluorescentadole_fml 8

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Wednesday 20 April 2011 0:18

if it wasn't for ants you wouldn't be here

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Monday 22 November 2010 9:17

All you need now is a colony of acid-shooting termites to kill off all the ants except for one of coarse and you should name him Z.

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Monday 22 November 2010 14:45

^win.

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Monday 22 November 2010 15:07

I haven't seen that movie in so long!

crashsapphire93 4

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Monday 22 November 2010 9:18

Start naming the cockroaches who come into your room every night and THEN talk!

Bcaw 0

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Monday 22 November 2010 9:23

I'm gonna name this one barrack...

redbluegreen 40

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Monday 22 November 2010 9:30

How do you not notice beforehand that there's not one, but two ant colonies in your house?

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Monday 22 November 2010 9:33

u need to call the rebel any colony that is hiding in ur basement n pay them 500 crumbs n they will take care of business

Nearly

Today, I realized that I wore ripped jeand AND ripped boxers to work. Both ripped at the same place, in between the legs. The result was my looking down and seeing my dick halfway out of my trousers. I can't get up from my seat the rest of the day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8

You deserved it 16

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34

You deserved it 18

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I'm on day 11 of having COVID. My husband said to me, "I hope you get better soon so we can finally have sex again." Thanks for being concerned about MY health and wellbeing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 670

You deserved it 147

Today, I realized why my boyfriend drove me to his “favorite” hospital about one agonizing hour away while I was in labor. His friend who's a nurse worked there. Or should I say, his side chick. He made out with her in the room while I was “sleeping” after giving birth to our first child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 405

You deserved it 101