Miscellaneous: Today, I woke up to an unfamiliar male face right beside mine....

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I woke up to an unfamiliar male face right beside mine. I flipped out fell of my 4 foot raised bed and got a concussion. Who, you may ask, was in my bed? My Robert Pattinson pillowcase. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9483

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Miscellaneous

Understandable

Sorry…

Keep the peace

By sucksforme. - Canada

Today, I was supposed to catch a 4:40 flight to New York. My 5 year old son handed me my carry on bag as I left the house. Turns out he had put his older brother's BB gun into my bag to "keep me safe." I missed my flight after I was detained and strip-searched. FML

I agree, your life sucks

64991

You deserved it

6324

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By OiVey - United States - Padre Island Ntl Seashor

Today, I found out that I've been taking the wrong math class all semester. We're only a few weeks from finals and I have no drops left. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3224

You deserved it

1519

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By JD300 - United Kingdom

Today, I finally got my wish of having snow on my birthday. Excited, I failed to realise this meant that no one could come to my party, including myself as we were all snowed out of town. What did I spend my 18th doing? Tidying our house. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29936

You deserved it

3907

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By toomuchlove - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend that I like it when he moans while we're having sex. Unfortunately, he interpreted that as "milk it". The sound is so obnoxious, it's starting to ruin the sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15626

You deserved it

27118

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By slypher25aussie - United States - Chula Vista

Today, my boyfriend and I went to a furniture store. We split up for a bit, and after a while I went to find him. A salesman noticed I seemed to be looking around for him and said, "Oh, your son is upstairs." We're the same age. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27515

You deserved it

2361

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By de-ow-dorant

Today, as I was putting on deodorant, I sneezed the hardest I've ever sneezed before. I ended up pulling a muscle in my shoulder. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5963

You deserved it

576

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By Sheila - United Kingdom - Edinburgh

The Voice (of the future)

Today, my husband was singing while doing the housework. I told him to sign up for The Voice. He took me seriously, and did. Too bad for him, because he sounds like a cat dying in a ditch. FML

I agree, your life sucks

706

You deserved it

1552

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By CessnaPilot - United States

Today, I fell off a ladder while building a shelter for one of my wife's horses. I think I broke some ribs. I absolutely hate horses. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26850

You deserved it

6408

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By lukey_G - United States

Today, my girlfriend was driving me to her house against my will when I said, "Sometimes it's annoying that you always decide where we go because you drive." She replied, "Yeah, I wish I could be more of the girl in this relationship." FML

I agree, your life sucks

14550

You deserved it

81063

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By John - United States

Today, I began to walk across the street when I saw a very familiar old lady struggle across it. I walked over to help her, and only after she had blown her rape whistle and socked me in the nuts did she realize I was her grandson. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45257

You deserved it

3588

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By rongo12

Today, I was heading to the bathroom when I clearly saw a little boy walking into my bedroom. My wife and I live alone, and I screamed at the top of my lungs, thinking he was a ghost. Turns out my wife collected him from school for a friend, and I just didn't hear them arrive. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28621

You deserved it

6773

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By Lemonhead - United States

Today, I came home from living in Spain for 2 years. My mom made dinner for me, and she had forgotten about my allergy to citrus, because she made lemon chicken. After using my EpiPen, and calling 911 for myself, I heard my mom say to my dad, "She always did have to be the center of attention." FML

I agree, your life sucks

65833

You deserved it

3782

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By dinosaur - Australia

Today, my boyfriend decided it would be fun to sit on my lap. In the process he landed on me so hard that he made me hit my head. Then when he turned around his elbow smacked into my nose causing it to break. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31113

You deserved it

3189

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By Helpful Smile - United States - Bettendorf

Today, my boss used our communal notebook to bitch out our entire department for not leaving a note notifying her that one of the machines was down. She wrote it on the same page as the note I left saying that one of the machines was down. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20622

You deserved it

1208

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By NotAsToughAsHeThinks - United States

Captain Badass

Today, a man pulled me violently into an alleyway and informed me I was being mugged. Being a body-builder, I said, "Oh yeah? Go on then." He kicked my ass in a matter of seconds, stole my wallet, then farted on my bruised face. He called me a wimp. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16111

You deserved it

53853

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By unknown - Canada - Quebec

Today, my sister was faced with the choice of getting a burger, or picking me up in a snowstorm. The burger won, and I had to travel 4km home by foot. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37913

You deserved it

2871

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By tracy4191 - United States - Ponchatoula

Today, I found out my mom sleeps in my room when I'm at college during the week. I discovered this my bumping into her dildo with my foot. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12417

You deserved it

706

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By Nezje

Today, I didn't get my driver's license even though I didn't make any mistakes because my examiner said it was only my first time taking the exam, so it wouldn't matter if I failed. Now I have to pay another €240 for a second exam. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2658

You deserved it

155

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By Lepisma - United States - College Station

Today, I was feeling queasy from the flu so I made some soup to see if it would settle my stomach. It didn't, but at least the giant burn I got on my thigh when the soup spilled hurts enough to distract from the nausea. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8833

You deserved it

823

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By Anonymous - 30/3/2020 02:00

Maoism intensifies

Today, like every evening, our place is literally shaking with banging noises from the apartment below. Are they raising ponies down there? Wrecking the furniture? Taking out some walls? No, it's just my landlord's six-year-old. Playing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1430

You deserved it

110

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By BlueBaby123 - United States

Today, my husband and I got a new stainless steel microwave. When we took it out of the package we noticed it was blue and got angry. We were about to return it, but we called in our 12 year old daughter to see what she thought of the microwave. She then took off the blue protective plastic. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10173

You deserved it

88235

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By Anonymous

Today, my mother told my boyfriend a cute story about me when I was little. The one where my cousin and I were caught pooping in a urinal in the church basement. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3351

You deserved it

474

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By Anonymous - 14/5/2020 20:02

Johnny Weissmuller over here

Today, I was walking in the woods with the girl I like when I saw a vine overhanging a small creek. Trying to make her laugh, I took off my shirt and started swinging on the vine like Tarzan. The vine snapped and I fell into the creek. Guess who's missing half the skin on his back? FML

I agree, your life sucks

643

You deserved it

2057

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By anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Today, I got a date after being alone for the past 2 years. The girl who my friends set me up with began asking my monthly income, my current occupation, and asked if I have a credit card account. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27355

You deserved it

2023

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By MIA

Today, on Maury…

Today, my husband of four years finally told me he has an eight-year-old son. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1974

You deserved it

154

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By fmlTGOD - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I have a "drinking problem". She says I don't drink enough. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37537

You deserved it

5669

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By Anonymous - United States - Bronx

Today, I visited my dad. He gave the, "You live under my roof, you follow my rules" lecture since I didn't do my "chores". I moved out 3 years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43422

You deserved it

3609

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my neighbours kicked my football back over the fence. They'd slashed it and taped a note to the remains that said, "Do it again and it'll be your face." Now I'm scared to play football in my own backyard. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30274

You deserved it

3968

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my nose was really stuffy. I heard somewhere that inhaling tea steam clears up the nose. While reading a magazine I inhaled my cup of green tea steam, without knowing that slowly I was moving my cup closer to my nose. Hot tea was sucked into my left nostril and burned the inside badly. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11062

You deserved it

35791

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By probably_the_ex_now - United States

Today, my boyfriend introduced me to his family. They were drinking and having fun, so I joined in. I had one too many, got really goofy and then suggested the farting game. "Sorry, I can't hold my liquor!" I quickly explained. My boyfriend's mom shot me a cold look and said, "It's non-alcoholic." FML

I agree, your life sucks

12914

You deserved it

97234

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By Jess - United States - Jacksonville

Today, I called my boyfriend. He answered with, "Hey, I'll call you back when this goes to commercial." FML

I agree, your life sucks

1210

You deserved it

456

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at my sister's wedding. Everything was going flawlessly. That is, until our visibly drunk mom started a punch-up over who got to cut the cake first. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27798

You deserved it

2293

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By Yeah-It's-Just-Me - Australia - Hornsby

Today, I had numerous calls from people saying they need a baby sitter, because "they know I wasn't invited anywhere". FML

I agree, your life sucks

32232

You deserved it

2654

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By Anonymous - 26/11/2020 07:59

Zoom off

Today, I was caught on a hot mic during a work department meeting complaining about someone using a leaf blower, F-bombs and all. FML

I agree, your life sucks

207

You deserved it

745

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was driving in the left lane and was suddenly hit by a woman who was in the right lane. I ran off the road, taking out a fence and totaling my car. When the cops asked the woman what happened she responded, "My tom-tom told me to turn left." FML

I agree, your life sucks

55251

You deserved it

2606

Favorite

By living in the ugly treehouse - Australia

Today, while taking the bus home, a girl stared at me for a while before asking me if I'd ever heard of makeup. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21451

You deserved it

1733

Favorite

By fatty mcfatfuck - 24/6/2020 02:02

Dietitian is the recognized title

Today, I caught my mother-in-law filling my one-year-old's cup with Dr. Pepper. When I flipped out, she told me I was overreacting since "all her kids turned out fine." Save for my husband, all her kids are morbidly obese diabetics who’ve struggled with poor diets. She herself is almost 450 lbs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1819

You deserved it

110

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By upliftmofo - Belgium

Today, I discovered my cat frequently licks my toothbrush. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36581

You deserved it

5955

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By Raset24

Today, it was my last day at my job. My team made a little party for me so they could wish me well and say goodbye, but when it came time for my manager to give a little speech, she couldn't even remember my name. I've been working there for two years. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14598

You deserved it

1058

Favorite

By counterproductive - 21/9/2020 11:01 - United States

Intense

Today, after I'd finally decided to see a doctor about my anxiety and insomnia, I was so nervous about what the doctor would think of me that I had anxiety attacks that kept me from sleeping a wink all night. I ended up oversleeping and missing the appointment I was so nervous about. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1245

You deserved it

186

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Top comments

By caancoha | 0

#738604 - Sunday 27 December 2009 9:06

Oh, look. He's watching you sleep.

By IMB916 | 0

#738621 - Sunday 27 December 2009 9:16

YDI for having such bad taste in men.

COMMENTS

By caancoha | 0

#738604 - Sunday 27 December 2009 9:06

Oh, look. He's watching you sleep.

themixedt4pe | 0

#739132 - Sunday 27 December 2009 18:01

This.

harsan_09 | 1

#740247 - Monday 28 December 2009 7:18

WIN.

gigi_bella | 0

#959720 - Wednesday 17 March 2010 23:48

Double win.

xXCrazyPersonXx | 0

#1205999 - Sunday 8 August 2010 0:47

Triple Win. o3o

iampunk | 0

#1685388 - Friday 12 November 2010 4:22

C-C-Combo breaker!

hyrulequeen2010 | 0

#4274246 - Sunday 8 April 2012 5:36

That's what you get for being a twilight fan

Comoke1024 | 19

#5854395 - Tuesday 11 February 2014 0:54

stealin' yo kids.

By kooldrew3 | 0

#738606 - Sunday 27 December 2009 9:08

wtf

By doorbellgirl | 0

#738607 - Sunday 27 December 2009 9:09

YDI Taylor Lautner is ten hundred thousand times SEXIER

stephanieeDawnx | 0

#3513245 - Sunday 30 October 2011 15:39

That's true, but I would say she deserves it.

CrazyV | 22

#3607610 - Sunday 20 November 2011 1:02

cant believe people buried this comment... twilight fans get a life

splatterband6487 | 4

#5144054 - Tuesday 13 November 2012 4:53

I do have a life. Obviously I love edward

By Deezie | 0

#738608 - Sunday 27 December 2009 9:10

lmao! thats too funny!

By alicealice_fml | 3

#738609 - Sunday 27 December 2009 9:10

I love robert pattinson its okthings happen like that all the time

zuli_fml | 0

#747642 - Thursday 31 December 2009 22:02

Only if you're fucking retarded.

whatthe_efff | 0

#749763 - Saturday 2 January 2010 4:03

Hahaha, things like this happen all the time? What the hell are you doing? I just about laughed as hard about this as I did about the FML.

mycheese | 0

#4216860 - Monday 26 March 2012 7:42

Wtf who actually likes Robert pattison (btw I knowi spelled it wrong but who cares) he's a ugly stalker

Palirose | 22

#5770796 - Thursday 28 November 2013 3:34

#291, You're absolutely retarded. He's acting a role for a fictional character which made him a lot of money. He isnt actually a stalker you nit wit.

By daydreamstar | 7

#738613 - Sunday 27 December 2009 9:11

soooo. was it good??? did he make you shiver with his icicle...
he watches you in your sleep to make sure you dont leave ..lolol well. at least it wasnt spongebob and thankfully edward/robert dosent sing....mlia..