Miscellaneous: Today, I woke up to a stranger in my dorm room. He was naked... - FML

By thewallrules - 05/12/2009 14:10 - United States

Today, I woke up to a stranger in my dorm room. He was naked and was peeing into my water bottle. He kept asking for Chris. I have no idea who Chris is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 889

You deserved it 3 442

Late term

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Welcome back!

By Flopera - 12/05/2018 05:00

Today, I treated my out of town family to a surprise opera experience as a belated Christmas present. When we arrived, there were people already in our seats. Upon checking the tickets, I realized that I had purchased them for the following Friday instead of today. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 055

You deserved it 2 013

Spooky season has begun

By Anonymous - 04/10/2019 00:01

Today, I was at work at a kiosk in the mall when I smelled something foul. I thought it was the weird dude who'd just walked by so I just carried on with my work. Minutes later, I looked to my right and there, lying on the floor a few feet from me, was a huge turd wrapped in toilet paper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 533

You deserved it 138

Dumbass

By SpookyBiscuits - 27/12/2016 16:27

Today, my boss wants to sort people in his contact list by last name, so I showed him how to switch the sorting from first to last. He tried to correct it by writing the first name in the last name spot and vise versa. Now he wants me to go through and change them all back. All 200+ of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 801

You deserved it 496

Alexa, play 'Communication Breakdown' by Led Zeppelin

By Anonymous - 08/08/2020 17:02

Spicy

Today, my man complained that I was "not easily approachable", sexually speaking. To clarify, his usual way of signalling his desire is to just lie there, quiet and not moving, and (probably) thinking exciting thoughts. I can't tell if he likes me touching him, unless he signals a lack of interest by falling asleep, that is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 553

You deserved it 175

By Stevski - 11/09/2012 15:08 - Australia - Port Macquarie

Today, after moving in with a couple of vegan zoologists a few weeks ago, I discover that they don't believe that we have the right to kill cockroaches, and will not allow me to do so. The house is infested, and it's spread to my bedroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 175

You deserved it 3 994

By downlowtooslow - 12/06/2009 04:49 - United States

Today, while eating with my kids at McDonalds, my son put his hand up and wanted me to give him a "high five." I went to give him a five, but he moved his hand at the last second and I ended up slapping him in the face. Now everyone there thinks I'm a child-beater. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 581

You deserved it 6 841

By Anonymous - 20/03/2016 06:24 - United States - Tucson

Today, my mother straight up admitted that she would murder me if God told her to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 950

You deserved it 1 910

By Anonymous - 15/03/2012 11:50 - United States

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend compared my penis to a snake. Not because of the size or shape, but because a snake is not something she imagines herself ever touching. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 046

You deserved it 3 702

By Pixie - 15/02/2017 03:00 - United States - Mckenna

Today, I was asked if the reason I didn't like the new male massage therapist was because I was no longer the most muscular person in the spa. I'm a 5'4 woman and I don't work out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 807

You deserved it 509

By Anonymous - 15/02/2012 19:26 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. He let me know by shaving "CYA" into my dog's fur and then moving out before I got home from work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 802

You deserved it 2 768

By grabber - 09/08/2009 23:43 - United States

Today, I was riding up an escalator in the mall in uncomfortable high heels. While adjusting my bag I suddenly lost my balance and began flailing wildly. In desperation I hurled forward and ended up grabbing a teenage boy's buttocks and was promptly slapped by his girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 246

You deserved it 10 965

By Anonymous - 14/10/2009 01:34 - United States

Today, while walking in the mall, I spotted my ex boyfriend with his friends. To make myself look less lonely, I put my iPhone up to my ear and started an imaginary conversation with my invisible boyfriend. As I passed him, my phone started ringing loudly. It was him calling. He knew I was faking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 408

You deserved it 45 864

By Shelly - 14/12/2011 05:18 - United States

Today, I accidentally called my cute boss "babe." I now have to pretend it's what I call everyone, and start calling all my coworkers "babe." FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 936

You deserved it 33 965

By Anonymous - 27/06/2012 20:02 - United States - Elkhart

Today, I found out that I'm pregnant. I had an IUD put in two years ago that's supposed to prevent pregnancy. To put it in perspective, less than 1% of people using this IUD get pregnant. Lucky me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 806

You deserved it 5 324

By -_- - 14/06/2014 03:56 - Australia - Elwood

Today, I was confiding in my dad over the phone, after I caught my girlfriend cheating on me. After I hung up and went online, I noticed he'd been live-blogging the whole call on Facebook and commenting that he was considering suicide to escape the boredom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 420

You deserved it 4 947

By Anonymous - 09/07/2014 01:20 - United States - Charlotte

Today, I discovered that my best friend has been telling everyone at our workplace that I'm faking my pregnancy for attention. She was at every single one of my ultrasounds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 101

You deserved it 3 832

By missmisfit - 13/06/2012 04:14 - Canada - Montreal

Today, I gave my puppy a treat for finally doing his business in the grass instead of on the patio. He later puked it up all over the patio. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 971

You deserved it 3 302

By Anonymous - 22/09/2012 23:49 - United States - Eudora

Today, after a week of not seeing each other, my boyfriend has a three day break from work. This would be great if he hadn't just told me he's having a Guild Wars 2 marathon. Now all I have to look forward to is slow wifi and anguished screams every time his character dies. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 937

You deserved it 3 114

By fmyarse - 22/07/2012 22:45 - United Kingdom - Blairgowrie

Today, I realised a second too late why trying to hack a popcorn kernel out from between your teeth with a steak knife is really a bad idea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 578

You deserved it 48 786

By Zanna - 23/03/2017 12:00

Today, a job candidate I was interviewing took a drink of water, and let it dribble down her chin and shirt while making fixed eye contact with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 340

You deserved it 273

By paranoid - 06/06/2009 04:43 - United States

Today, I was walking on a path through a park by myself. I glanced at the ground and saw a shadow behind me. Thinking of an attacker, I screamed as loud as I could and began flailing my arms to ward him off. Turns out, it was a jogger. He had to stop due to his uncontrollable laughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 659

You deserved it 54 966

By creeped_out_ - 24/06/2009 21:34 - United States

Today, I am currently grounded for three weeks, have no car, cell phone, or television privileges, and am not allowed to spend more than 10 minutes on the computer a day. The reason why: I was seven minutes past my 9'oclock curfew. I'm 18. FML

I agree, your life sucks 85 748

You deserved it 13 495

By Anonymous - 21/11/2012 05:00 - United States - Casselberry

Today, my dog climbed onto the dining room table to eat the cat's food. Then whined until I showed him how to get down. He does this every night. My dog is a genius. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 897

You deserved it 5 070

By Anonymous - 11/09/2010 04:47 - United States

Today, I woke up very excited because I was going on my first date with this guy I really liked. I dressed very nicely and went to where we were supposed to meet. I waited for about 2 hours. I called him to ask him where he was. He got angry because he was still sleeping and I woke him up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 420

You deserved it 3 765

By Anonymous - 25/07/2011 17:11 - United States

Spicy

Today, I got a completely random boner at a coffee shop, five seconds before two attractive women asked me to stand up and take their picture. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 440

You deserved it 5 756

By Stressed - 24/09/2018 22:00

Today, I got promoted. By promoted, I mean, given a much harder job with no training and no extra pay because someone went on maternity leave. They've already hired someone for my old position. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 051

You deserved it 128

By pantydropper - 17/04/2013 19:01 - United States

Today, I grabbed a pair of pants from the dryer in a hurry, trying to make it to the bank. When I rushed in, I felt something fall down my leg. It was a pair of my mom's granny panties that had been stuck inside my jeans. I kicked them aside, hoping no one would notice. They did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 325

You deserved it 10 633

Helpful

By Anonymous - 17/08/2021 18:01

Today, I had a conversation with my doctor about how I am neurologically incapable of feeling happiness like a normal person, and he doesn't know what to do about it. His words, not mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 897

You deserved it 68

By metallicatime - 16/12/2011 03:16 - United States

Today, a stoplight dropped square into the bed of my pickup truck. The police think I was attempting to steal it, and my insurance won't cover the damage to my truck. There were no witnesses. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 231

You deserved it 2 304

By wipeoffincircles - 27/05/2017 03:00 - United States - Gresham

Today, at work, my manager thought I needed to be showed how to use Windex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 440

You deserved it 477

By Anonymous - 06/09/2015 05:38 - Canada - Surrey

Today, the girl I've gone on two dates with showed up at my house with several boxes of her stuff, expecting to move in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 673

You deserved it 2 587

By ohgawd - 08/10/2011 06:48 - United States

Today, my sister asked me to explain where to put a tampon. I realized near the end of the conversation that she believed the urine, feces, and blood all came from the same orifice. This began a long discussion during which I was forced to tell her not to put the tampon in her rectum. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 854

You deserved it 2 818

By Patrick - 14/10/2012 04:39 - United States - Sulphur

Today, I brought my new puppy home. I saw her sniffing around, so I took her outside to do her business. She simply played in the grass for ten minutes, so I brought her in. She walked in the door, squatted, and shit. She has diarrhea. This is the fourth time today. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 485

You deserved it 4 030

By somechick - 09/12/2009 05:25 - Canada

Today, I was eating a bag of almonds I got from the bulk food store, picking off what I thought was stringy remnants of their shells. When I finally got down to the bottom of the bag, I found a silk worm circling around the last almond left of a bag of about 200. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 280

You deserved it 6 070

By lovebigmacs - 06/10/2009 23:32 - United States

Today, I showed my boyfriend the new tattoo of a butterfly that I'd gotten on my lower back. He said, "It looks like it's flying when your rolls jiggle." FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 109

You deserved it 41 904

By mochiko - 09/08/2009 07:28 - United States

Today, I was at the mall with my little brother. I saw him touching some expensive objects, so I slapped his arm. I noticed he wasn't my brother when he started crying and his real mom slapped me in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 463

You deserved it 56 199

By dumbfounded - 08/05/2016 12:14 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I had to calm down an angry customer who claimed one of my employees had "traumatized" her dog. Apparently her dog is really OCD and my employee didn't line up the dog bed at the right angle. She threatened to report us to the BBB. How do these morons even exist? FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 144

You deserved it 1 344

By thefrightening1 - 05/09/2011 15:03 - United Kingdom

Today, I'm getting kicked out of my flat because my drunk friends stole a pony and left it tied outside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 318

You deserved it 3 473

By Lifeless - 15/08/2010 08:42 - United States

Today, I put on makeup for a picture. My Facebook profile picture. That's how much of a life I actually have. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 597

You deserved it 33 573

By Yikes - 27/09/2016 04:34 - United States - Cumberland

Today, I finally found the single flaw in my perfect boyfriend. It's herpes. Genital herpes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 858

You deserved it 1 704

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Saturday 5 December 2009 19:54

Haha damn, lock your door!

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Saturday 5 December 2009 19:55

wtf... which college is this again?

Comments

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Saturday 5 December 2009 19:54

Haha damn, lock your door!

Reyo 2

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Sunday 6 December 2009 10:25

He's drunk sweetheart. Welcome to college.

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Sunday 6 December 2009 18:54

I never did find Chris.

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Sunday 6 December 2009 19:03

Exactly! That's rule #1 of living in dorms

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Monday 2 May 2011 4:40

Are you mentally retarded? His door was locked..He made it clear he locked it in the post. Seriously! You need to go to a doctor.

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Wednesday 20 February 2013 17:44

71- Check the post again. He never said anything about the door being locked, he just said that some strange drunk guy was in his dorm

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Saturday 5 December 2009 19:54

ROFLCOPTER

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Saturday 5 December 2009 19:55

wtf... which college is this again?

kisseshugsdrugs 5

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Saturday 5 December 2009 19:59

maybe he lived there a semester before or something, thats kind of awkward though. lock your door!

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Saturday 5 December 2009 20:02

Everybody Knows Chris

kisseshugsdrugs 5

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Saturday 5 December 2009 20:26

everybody loves chris.

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Saturday 5 December 2009 20:32

i thought everybody hates chris.

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Sunday 6 December 2009 1:39

Fuck chris.

alexandraa_fml 0

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Sunday 6 December 2009 3:30

Chris blows.

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Sunday 6 December 2009 15:39

I was with chris that night

kisseshugsdrugs 5

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Monday 7 December 2009 21:58

well i mean, i love chris haha at least my chris..probably not the same sketchy guy that guy was looking for hahaha

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Saturday 17 July 2010 6:10

Haha nice picture

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Saturday 5 December 2009 20:02

ydi for leaving your door unlocked.. one of my friends got her laptop stolen while she was asleep in her room and she left her door unlocked and the key to her kensington lock on the hook by her door. anything can happen in the dorm.

KaySL 24

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Saturday 5 December 2009 20:06

Kensington locks are pretty useless, really, they're simple to rip out from the slot, and I doubt most thieves would be too concerned about a bit of snapped plastic...

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Friday 19 April 2013 3:15

Umm how about instead of shaming the victim, we put down the perpetrators instead hmm?

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Saturday 5 December 2009 20:05

This has happened a lot in North Dakota Universities. I almost went to NDSU but my friends out there had so many horror stories about strangers sneaking into their rooms. So I decided Montana was best.. so far, no strangers in my room.

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Saturday 5 December 2009 23:25

Where the heck did your friends live? That pretty much never happens at NDSU. I should know; I live in Fargo. We hear about everything that goes on around town, and there's never been anything like that.

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Saturday 5 December 2009 20:31

Psh, you don't know who Chris is? Everybody knows Chris.

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Tuesday 2 November 2010 6:52

and everybody hates Chris!

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Saturday 5 December 2009 20:39

Eeeeh did he take the bottle with him?

LemonStarship 5

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Saturday 5 December 2009 21:10

Is the fml he peed in the bottle instead of your face? Cause I'm guessing that's what you wanted :o

Nearly

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

Today, I found out my mother listens to my therapy sessions. She’s the reason I need therapy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 0

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 286

You deserved it 36

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 125

You deserved it 276