Today, I woke up to a phone with most of my female contacts missing.... - FML

By FunGhoost - 20/2/2015 13:35 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I woke up to a phone with most of my female contacts missing. I think I'm dating a psycho. FML

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Body issues

Alexa, play "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath

DINOSAURS!!

By QuinnyZebrass - 2/4/2013 04:11 - United States - Laveen

Today, my creepy co-worker walked up and said, "You know, I was having sex with this girl last night, and I almost said your name." FML

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By piliseep - 3/10/2017 04:30

Today, I had to sit outside with nothing but a large bottle of wine to keep me company and no way to block out the sounds of my cousins loudly having sex with my two roommates upstairs. FML

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By Ihadnoidea - 12/12/2015 19:41 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, while working at a gas station, I accidentally changed the price of gas to 8.9 cents per litre. It took me fifteen minutes to figure out why everyone wanted only two or three dollars of gas. I fixed it, but now my managers are debating charging me for lost revenue. FML

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By antwo - 22/1/2012 04:50 - United States

Today, a cute girl was walking towards me. She held up her hand for a high five, so I also did the same. I hadn't noticed her friend behind me, and was left hanging and embarrassed. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/11/2015 08:48 - United Kingdom - Pinner

Today, as always, I'm so flat-chested and childlike in appearance that my boyfriend successfully passed me off as his little sister to save money at a restaurant. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/4/2017 08:00 - Australia - Camberwell

Today, the framed memorabilia that I spent $195 on last week came crashing to the floor. It was on my wall for less than 2 hours. The picture is torn and the glass is shattered, but at least the frame is alright. FML

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By KatieElizabeth - 27/10/2013 04:57 - United States - San Francisco

Today, at work, I had a customer accuse me of taking the giftcard I had issued her for her return, after spending 15 minutes trying to fix her screwed up transaction. She began to yell, and follow me around the store. Security had to intervene and I had to be locked in an office until she left. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/10/2010 05:08 - United States

Today, at work, I was called into the office by my supervisor, on whom I have a massive crush. He called me in to get my password to make some adjustments on my work account and asked me what my password was. I had to hold eye contact with him and tell him my password is his full name. FML

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By harry - 6/12/2008 07:51 - France

Today, my brand new and very expensive laser printer does actually print 10 times faster than my old one. Except there's nothing printed on the paper. Never mind, at least it makes a cool sound. FML

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By thenewgirl - 6/10/2014 23:05 - United States - Jacksonville

Today, my boyfriend and I were wondering whose extra spare key was on the counter when we came home. Turns out it's his ex's and she returned it, while neither of us were home. We're still taking inventory to see what's missing. FML

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By Frustrated - 3/1/2014 02:24 - United States - Tustin

Today, my neighbor's sons decided it would be funny to throw rocks at my house. I went outside to scold them and saw my other neighbors gathered around, watching. They didn't stop them because they thought I wasn't home. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/10/2009 12:09 - United States

Today, I was sleeping next to my girlfriend and I turned over to the sound of her talking in her sleep. Because it was so cute, I was happy and I smiled, until she began to talk about "Troy" and "all the nasty things you can do to me." FML

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By j.b. - 2/12/2009 05:57 - United States

Today, I found out that my husband thinks its okay to have an online girlfriend and have naked pictures sent to his email because he's not "physically touching, making love, or kissing". The sad part is that the online girlfriend gets more action than me. FML

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By Hm - 20/3/2015 00:54 - United States - Rio Rancho

Today, I was sitting in the airport, watching the baggage handlers load the plane I was about to get on. They were being really rough with it, one bag came open and all the clothes spilled out onto the tarmac. The clothes looked familiar. They were mine. FML

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By really?!? - 25/1/2013 15:49 - United States - Wendell

Today, I was driving my 9 month pregnant sister around in our golf cart and it died. I had to push it the rest of the way home. She wouldn't stop faking going into labor. FML

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By psd60 - 6/12/2012 07:18 - United States - San Antonio

Today, my dog died and I told my grandfather I wanted her to be cremated. I came home later to find him burning her in our barbecue pit. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/1/2016 06:58 - United States - San Francisco

Today, neither I nor any of my coworkers understand why our boss hates me enough that I feel the need to carry pepperspray on me at all times. FML

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By HR - 16/12/2011 21:13 - United States

Today, I had two of my wisdom teeth removed. One side of my face is completely swollen, and the other is normal. I feel like the elephant man. FML

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By Sick - 28/1/2017 16:00

Today, I noticed a thick layer of mold growing inside the straw of my water bottle. I use that bottle every day. FML

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By anonymous - 14/12/2011 05:42 - United States

Today, my boyfriend sent me a text that said, "I can't be seen with you anymore. You're too fat." FML

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By Completely Fed Up - 20/4/2016 18:55 - United States - Spokane

Today, after 2 weeks of hard work in the heat planting a garden, just as I thought the most stressful part was over, my wife's mother comes over and brings a huge dog. She then threw a tennis ball for the dog into my freshly seeded garden multiple times, completely destroying most of it. FML

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By ballthlete - 6/9/2015 04:55 - United States - Edmond

Today, the girl I like at work surprised me in the otherwise empty break room. She caught me taking part in what might as well have been the Ball-Scratching Olympics. I didn't notice she was behind me until she cleared her throat to get my attention. Shit. FML

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By bleredoshia - 8/4/2010 04:27 - New Zealand

Today, after church, my 5-year-old son asked me about God, so I answered his questions in full. We talked about God for over 2 hours. At the end of it all, he pondered for a moment, before saying to me "That's the stupidest thing I ever heard. You're dumb." FML

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By Anonymous - 3/1/2013 05:02 - United States - Austin

Today, after I finally laid down from a long day and was about to fall asleep, I realized I forgot to set my alarm. I don't own an alarm clock and my alarm is on my phone. Which was in my car. I live on 15th floor of an apartment building and our parking garage is across the street. FML

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By serverdessert - 8/3/2009 21:02 - United States

Today, at the restaurant where I work, I served a table of 4 middle-age women. Before greeting the table, I was deciding between saying "Can I get you anything to drink?" and "Can I start you off with something?" My actual greeting? "Can I get you ladies off?" FML

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By hesgonnahateme - 6/6/2013 05:08 - United States - Benton

Today, I got a promotion and transfer at work. My first responsibility is to fire my soon to be father in-law. FML

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By ShampooThief - 12/4/2015 03:05 - United States

Today, my family checked into a hotel for spring break. The first thing my brother did was steal all the bars of soap and bottles of shampoo. He's now guarding them, and hissing at anyone that tries to take them. I just want to take a shower. FML

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By married - 16/10/2010 12:31 - United States

Today, my sister and I were both on Facebook, updating our statuses. I set mine to "just got released from hospital with Baby Lily", as I'd had a baby earlier this week. My sister set hers to "menstrual blood smells like shrimp". Her status got 37 likes. Mine got none. FML

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By fock - 7/5/2012 02:03 - Canada - Almonte

Today, I had to convince my 28-year-old boyfriend to take down his booger wall. FML

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By - 25/4/2019 04:00

Today, it's been a week and a half since our hot water stopped working. Our landlord said he'll get on to it "in 3 days", after having said this already a few days before. I have to wash myself with a bucket and boiled water. FML

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By byegeorge - 17/8/2012 11:26 - United Kingdom - Hounslow

Today, my dog was run over. The man who ran over my dog was taking his own dog to the emergency vet. As the man awkwardly tried to apologise to me, he said, "Think of the irony". FML

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By Anonymous - 1/3/2017 18:00 - Canada - Westerose

Today I started a new job, I found out that my employer doesn't follow the labour laws and my new co-workers are planning on reporting the owner of the company. The owner is my father, and I want to help them report him. FML

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By FireoftheFuture - 2/5/2013 11:02 - United States

Today, I had a giant Scantron test. After putting 10 answers, I noticed every single answer was A. I got freaked out and started putting random answers. Turns out every answer on the test was A. I failed. FML

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By knighton16 - 17/7/2010 18:23 - United States

Today, I was brushing my teeth and shaving in the shower. My favorite song came on, and I got mixed up. My tongue and mouth are cut badly now. FML

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By uninspired - 28/1/2009 11:47 - United States

Today, my cheater of an ex-boyfriend sent me one of his many messages proclaiming his new-found love for me, and in the middle of it asked me how my period was going. FML

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By darianvilla - 22/7/2016 23:35 - United States - College Park

Today, I was happy because my co-worker was almost about to get fired due to his lazy habits. It was all going so well. Then I accidentally put my biggest sale yet under his name. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/10/2017 16:00 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, after extensive tests due to pregnancy-related issues, I've been told my diet must change. I can no longer eat salt, sugar, gluten, or meat, and lactose is questionable. The doctor hopes it will end after the birth. Seven months to go. FML

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By Susan - 23/8/2009 17:08 - United States

Today, I was driving my car and I thought the construction guy was flirting and waving at me. So I drove by him, waving back and hit an oil spill and my car ended up spinning out of control. He was trying to direct me away from the oil spill. FML

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By pencilskirt - 22/3/2019 00:00

Today, at school, one of my students confidently told me that I "wasn't hiding my baby bump very well anymore." I'm not pregnant. Just fat, apparently. FML

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By Wreet - 11/1/2009 15:50 - United States

Today, I went shopping with this girl I like while my girlfriend was busy. We ended up going grocery shopping to make dinner together, and I ran into my girlfriend's parents. FML

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Top comments

By bethanyhopkins | 46

#6207771 - Friday 20 February 2015 16:51

Get out while you can

By LizetteBerenice | 22

#6207773 - Friday 20 February 2015 16:51

You are.

Comments

By 1dvs_bstd | 41

#6207770 - Friday 20 February 2015 16:51

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

Tarlachia | 33

#6207775 - Friday 20 February 2015 16:52

You mad, bro?

Reply

Arwen_Evenstar | 37

#6207783 - Friday 20 February 2015 16:54

I'm glad this comment was so fun to help that along. :)

Reply

FluffyPandas156 | 13

#6207803 - Friday 20 February 2015 17:08

expecting you to see a lot of down votes. Haha But seriously I think we'll stick with FML as Fuck My Life. And tbh. the "you mean your ex" is overused a lot. But to see this I'm laughing.

Reply

Lostboy717 | 11

#6207888 - Friday 20 February 2015 19:11

Finally someone gets it!

Reply

thatnewgirl | 16

#6207904 - Friday 20 February 2015 19:41

I completely agree with you (minus the change fml to fun my life instead of fuck my life)

Reply

tbro47 | 23

#6208017 - Friday 20 February 2015 21:48

Why so serious #1?

Reply

mrmcleod | 29

#6208042 - Friday 20 February 2015 22:33

Holy shit brodawg! You have -145 downvotes! Daaaaaaaaayyyyuuuuuuuum!

Reply

jenamalone | 23

#6208048 - Friday 20 February 2015 22:50

How about be quiet ffs.

By bethanyhopkins | 46

#6207771 - Friday 20 February 2015 16:51

Get out while you can

Reply

1PersonIsMyWorld | 22

#6208060 - Friday 20 February 2015 23:20

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

lolbash | 18

#6208069 - Friday 20 February 2015 23:30

Men are not your personal slaves

Reply

shay_serendipity | 29

#6208073 - Friday 20 February 2015 23:36

#114, are you sure? Because I'm not sure that anyone likes to date the type that are psychos... but maybe that's just me.

Reply

AkashaSC2 | 11

#6208150 - Saturday 21 February 2015 0:25

True #114 : they're called "masochistes"...

Reply

4WheelBurnout | 14

#6208207 - Saturday 21 February 2015 1:51

You mam are fucked in the head

Reply

cristy91 | 33

#6208208 - Saturday 21 February 2015 1:54

If you're that insecure that you have to delete nearly all female contacts on your partner's phone without their permission then you need to reevaluate your own mentality.

Definitely follow #2s advice, OP

Reply

brand125 | 17

#6208220 - Saturday 21 February 2015 2:04

114 - your also fucked, then

Reply

PleasantDino | 22

#6208523 - Saturday 21 February 2015 9:08

@114 do you have any idea of what a healthy relationship is?

Reply

aubamas | 20

#6238457 - Friday 20 March 2015 22:13

you got your own overly attached girlfriend

By LizetteBerenice | 22

#6207773 - Friday 20 February 2015 16:51

You are.

Reply

lovelyvampire | 16

#6208104 - Saturday 21 February 2015 0:04

Bitches me crazy

Reply

Greenteamextreme | 16

#6208586 - Saturday 21 February 2015 12:22

#126 - Bitches all me crazy!

By redneck_wolf | 19

#6207777 - Friday 20 February 2015 16:53

Run and don't look back

By Arwen_Evenstar | 37

#6207778 - Friday 20 February 2015 16:53

I think that's a symptom of them being bat-crap crazy. In clinical terms.

By iiTzNeeNerz | 26

#6207779 - Friday 20 February 2015 16:53

Yeah. I think it's time to 'Delete' and 'Block' her.

Reply

1PersonIsMyWorld | 22

#6208062 - Friday 20 February 2015 23:21

block then delete

Reply

SecretAgent_700 | 15

#6208365 - Saturday 21 February 2015 4:54

No, #116, I'm pretty sure it's 'Delete' and then 'Block' just like #8 said.

Reply

Compgeek1996 | 5

#6208417 - Saturday 21 February 2015 6:11

More like 'Delete' or 'Exterminate'. Save someone else the trouble of having to deal with her.

Reply

musoboy | 22

#6208561 - Saturday 21 February 2015 11:09

In many cases, 'block' action includes an automatic 'delete' action.

By Cortezthe1st | 23

#6207781 - Friday 20 February 2015 16:53

I thought the FML was going to end with "I live alone."

Reply

MisterE101 | 9

#6207890 - Friday 20 February 2015 19:15

I felt the same way!

Reply

starile | 19

#6210624 - Monday 23 February 2015 7:25

This alternate ending gets my vote!
... I'm now a little creeped out.

By matt721 | 8

#6207782 - Friday 20 February 2015 16:53

You should probably talk to her about this. Because she is probably texting more boys than just you.

Reply

1PersonIsMyWorld | 22

#6208063 - Friday 20 February 2015 23:22

not necessarily. .. some women just have insecurities and as a result control their man.

Reply

doctorhook86 | 24

#6208124 - Saturday 21 February 2015 0:13

#117: You say that like it makes that behaviour okay somehow.

Reply

devildog562 | 33

#6208319 - Saturday 21 February 2015 4:17

Her name is 1personismyworld. For some reason I don't think this means Jesus. I've read many of your comment ma'am and I'm truly concerned at your perception on what is healthy in relationships , or life in that matter. To each there own .

By jentrynicole | 20

#6207784 - Friday 20 February 2015 16:55

Is your Mom still on there?

By CamBam97 | 7

#6207785 - Friday 20 February 2015 16:55

Sucks for you! gl with that