Love: Today, I woke up to a phone with most of my female contacts missing.... - FML

By FunGhoost - United States - San Francisco

Today, I woke up to a phone with most of my female contacts missing. I think I'm dating a psycho. FML

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Mind control

Mixology

People are people

By mrosewrosem

Today, I had a lovely gluten-free pizza out at a local restaurant. After I'd finished, they informed me it wasn't in fact gluten-free. I am Celiac and this means I will be ill for the next six weeks. FML

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By knighton16 - United States

Today, I was brushing my teeth and shaving in the shower. My favorite song came on, and I got mixed up. My tongue and mouth are cut badly now. FML

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By madfather - United States

Today, I went to the store to buy some condoms for my girlfriend, Kim and I. I was in a rush and when I looked at the cashier realized it was her father. Nervous and hoping to reassure him, I go "don't worry, I'm not using these with Kim." That didn't help. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had a job interview. The interviewer asked me to give 5 adjectives describing myself. I listed 7. The last one being "listener." FML

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By agnosticstudy - United States

Today, all three of my meals consisted of 2 hot pockets. FML

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By SilkySmooth

Today, I realised why my room has been smelling like berries and why sex has been so uncomfortable recently. Apparently boyfriend doesn't know the difference between hair conditioner and lube. FML

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By fmal - United States

Today, I realized my wedding ring was missing. Turns out, my son had taken it to give to a girl he likes in the 2nd grade. FML

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By Jake - United States - Albany

Today, I woke up, thinking it was going to be a good day. However, when I looked at my phone, I saw that my girlfriend had sent me an obscene number of angry messages, which are still coming in, because I forgot to say goodnight to her last night. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand

Today, I discovered that my son has an allergy to cats. My partner of two years, not wanting to fight, suggested a compromise: that my son and the cat take turns sleeping outside. FML

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By Whoops...

Today, my breakfast disagreed with me and I shit myself unexpectedly at the laundromat, right after starting the washer with all of my other pants in it. FML

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By Heyhey - France

Today, I met someone with the same name as me for the first time ever. I'm 20 years old, he is 97. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Cardiff

Today, upon applying for a new job to leave my old crappy job I was informed by my new potential employer that he was unable to hire me because he is friends with my current boss. FML

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By Crispy cripple

Today, my dorm's fire alarm went off. In the rush to escape, I slipped and fell off my bunk bed, breaking my ankle in two places. Crying, I told my roommates I needed help to walk. They shrugged and left after mentioning that I would slow them down. FML

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By bad friend - United States - Monterey Park

Hissy fit incoming!

Today, my boyfriend’s female "best friend" hates me for absolutely no other reason other than she, "just doesn’t get along with girls." Boyfriend doesn’t see a problem with this, and insists I should just accept it since, "that’s just how she is." Time to throw the whole man away. FML

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By Badhusky

Today, I had to carry the dead weight of my 90-pound husky upstairs to the bath because he hates it. He cried the entire time, loudly. He then rolled in the dirt when I let him outside to pee not even an hour later. FML

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By tee - United States - Kansas City

Today, I found out people are suspicious of me at work because I do a good job. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was on my way to work. Out of nowhere, my period started. Due to allergies, I had uncontrollable sneezes. Now, I have blood all over my pants. FML

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By lon01t - United Kingdom - Falkirk

Today, my four-year-old daughter started screaming and lashing out at me as I was getting her ready for a bath. It seems my idiot husband told her she was still small enough to be feasted on by the "drain monster". FML

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By man-period? - United States - Portland

Today, I woke up to large spot of blood in my underwear. This wouldn't be too big a deal if I didn't have a penis. FML

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By cook for yourself dammit! - 12/7/2020 14:01

Kitchen Nightmares

Today, tired of my husband complaining that my food was basic and bland, I went out of my way to learn to cook using new recipes and fresh ingredients. He complained that I took too long to make dinner, and that the food is "fancied up shit." He can cook his own meals now. FML

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By scalmon - United States

Today, while making love to my wife, I let slip her sister's name. I don't think it would calm her down much if I told the truth: I was actually thinking of an ex girlfriend who shares the same name. FML

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By fuckstudentloans - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I ruined a $1,500 laptop with a 69¢ bowl of ramen noodles. FML

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By Shalamar - Canada

Today, the new guy at work - who is probably at least ten years older than I am - admired the photo on my desk of myself with my husband and teenage daughters and asked "Are those your grand-children?" I'm in my 40's. FML

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By Marc - Hong Kong - Tsuen Wan

Today, it's been almost 2 months since I moved into my new place, and it's the first time a girl has slept in my bed. I also slept on my new couch for the first time. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I got all four of my wisdom teeth taken out. I happen to be allergic to all types of pain medication. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Columbia City

Heated gaming moment

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house after working a night shift. The door was locked and, so I wouldn't wake his parents, I called him. Twelve times. Each call went to voicemail and I was left standing outside in the freezing rain until he finally let me in. What was he doing? Playing video games. FML

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By IvyBlackeyes

Today, I sprained my ankle at dance class. No, I was not dancing when I did it. I was trying to step off on a small mat so I could go home. FML

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By Imnotfromhere - 5/3/2021 05:01

How? Why? What?

Today, I wore leggings without underwear. When I got in the car after a busy shopping day, I realized that my pubes had poked through the fabric and my bush was on the outside of my pants. FML

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By UnwantedDisappointment

Today, I accidentally saw my boyfriend's sexts to a guy he's friends with. He's been turning me down for sex for months. FML

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By booyouwhoree - United States

Today, I told my friend I hadn't had a period in 5 months. She asked me if I was pregnant. When I asked her if I looked 5 months pregant, she replied by saying "is that supposed to be a trick question?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Rocklin

Today, I had a terrible nightmare involving zombies slashing and eating at my face. I woke up in terror and urine, and found the slashing was very real: it was my cat pawing my face for me to feed him. FML

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By sociallyawkward - United Kingdom - Egham

Today, I faced my social anxiety and went to a chip shop on my own. I tried to have a conversation with the owner, but his thick accent made it difficult. He now knows where I live, what college I go to and I'm pretty sure I agreed to go to India with him. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to the doctor for an infection from where a cat bit me while I was sleeping. Where that cat came from and how it got into my bedroom I will never know. FML

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By grant b - United States

Today, my boss asked if he could pay me in guns. FML

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By worried - Ireland

Today, I told my boyfriend that my period was now over three weeks late. He still doesn't believe me since it's April Fool's day. But I'm not kidding. FML

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By HotCurry - United States

Today, my girlfriend, her grandma, and I were leaving her house to eat lunch. I stubbed my toe on the door while exiting. It hurt, so I stood there shortly in pain. I heard my girlfriend's grandma call me a "pansy". I later saw blood and took off my shoe. My whole toenail had come off of my big toe. FML

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By Himynameisjacob - United States

Today, I was told that, although I was sick on the last day before break, they would still accept the 24 page essay that I had written. Tonight, as I went to print it out, I found that my dad had "cleaned up a bit" on my computer, including the documents from last semester. I have school tomorrow. FML

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By 1940s wants their attitude back - 29/9/2020 20:01 - United States

Thanks ma

Today, I excitedly told my mom how I got accepted to the master’s program of my dreams. She decided now would be a good time to proudly repeat for the millionth time how she gave up a full ride to the Ivy League to marry my father, and I ought to be a "good woman" and do the same. FML

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By Sheezey - United States

Money!

Today, I went to the gym and worked out with a trainer. While doing arm exercises he commented on how impressed he was with the size of my triceps. That really boosted my self-confidence, until he leaned in to feel them and said, "Oh, it's just fat." FML

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By Taylor D - United States

Today, I went to Walmart to get some acne cream. As I approached the register, I looked in my wallet for the money. The cashier saw that I didn't have enough money, and before I could say anything, he goes "Just take it, I've never seen anyone who needs it that much!" FML

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Top comments

By bethanyhopkins | 49

#6207771 - Friday 20 February 2015 16:51

Get out while you can

By LizetteBerenice | 22

#6207773 - Friday 20 February 2015 16:51

You are.

COMMENTS

By 1dvs_bstd | 41

#6207770 - Friday 20 February 2015 16:51

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

Tarlachia | 33

#6207775 - Friday 20 February 2015 16:52

You mad, bro?

Reply

Arwen_Evenstar | 37

#6207783 - Friday 20 February 2015 16:54

I'm glad this comment was so fun to help that along. :)

Reply

FluffyPandas156 | 13

#6207803 - Friday 20 February 2015 17:08

expecting you to see a lot of down votes. Haha But seriously I think we'll stick with FML as Fuck My Life. And tbh. the "you mean your ex" is overused a lot. But to see this I'm laughing.

Reply

Lostboy717 | 11

#6207888 - Friday 20 February 2015 19:11

Finally someone gets it!

Reply

thatnewgirl | 16

#6207904 - Friday 20 February 2015 19:41

I completely agree with you (minus the change fml to fun my life instead of fuck my life)

Reply

tbro47 | 23

#6208017 - Friday 20 February 2015 21:48

Why so serious #1?

Reply

mrmcleod | 29

#6208042 - Friday 20 February 2015 22:33

Holy shit brodawg! You have -145 downvotes! Daaaaaaaaayyyyuuuuuuuum!

Reply

ErinPinelli | 24

#6208048 - Friday 20 February 2015 22:50

How about be quiet ffs.

By bethanyhopkins | 49

#6207771 - Friday 20 February 2015 16:51

Get out while you can

Reply

1PersonIsMyWorld | 22

#6208060 - Friday 20 February 2015 23:20

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

lolbash | 18

#6208069 - Friday 20 February 2015 23:30

Men are not your personal slaves

Reply

shay_serendipity | 29

#6208073 - Friday 20 February 2015 23:36

#114, are you sure? Because I'm not sure that anyone likes to date the type that are psychos... but maybe that's just me.

Reply

AkashaSC2 | 11

#6208150 - Saturday 21 February 2015 0:25

True #114 : they're called "masochistes"...

Reply

4WheelBurnout | 14

#6208207 - Saturday 21 February 2015 1:51

You mam are fucked in the head

Reply

cristy91 | 33

#6208208 - Saturday 21 February 2015 1:54

If you're that insecure that you have to delete nearly all female contacts on your partner's phone without their permission then you need to reevaluate your own mentality.

Definitely follow #2s advice, OP

Reply

brand125 | 17

#6208220 - Saturday 21 February 2015 2:04

114 - your also fucked, then

Reply

PleasantDino | 22

#6208523 - Saturday 21 February 2015 9:08

@114 do you have any idea of what a healthy relationship is?

Reply

aubamas | 20

#6238457 - Friday 20 March 2015 22:13

you got your own overly attached girlfriend

By LizetteBerenice | 22

#6207773 - Friday 20 February 2015 16:51

You are.

Reply

lovelyvampire | 16

#6208104 - Saturday 21 February 2015 0:04

Bitches me crazy

Reply

Greenteamextreme | 16

#6208586 - Saturday 21 February 2015 12:22

#126 - Bitches all me crazy!

By redneck_wolf | 19

#6207777 - Friday 20 February 2015 16:53

Run and don't look back

By Arwen_Evenstar | 37

#6207778 - Friday 20 February 2015 16:53

I think that's a symptom of them being bat-crap crazy. In clinical terms.

By iiTzNeeNerz | 26

#6207779 - Friday 20 February 2015 16:53

Yeah. I think it's time to 'Delete' and 'Block' her.

Reply

1PersonIsMyWorld | 22

#6208062 - Friday 20 February 2015 23:21

block then delete

Reply

SecretAgent_700 | 15

#6208365 - Saturday 21 February 2015 4:54

No, #116, I'm pretty sure it's 'Delete' and then 'Block' just like #8 said.

Reply

Compgeek1996 | 5

#6208417 - Saturday 21 February 2015 6:11

More like 'Delete' or 'Exterminate'. Save someone else the trouble of having to deal with her.

Reply

musoboy | 22

#6208561 - Saturday 21 February 2015 11:09

In many cases, 'block' action includes an automatic 'delete' action.

By Cortezthe1st | 23

#6207781 - Friday 20 February 2015 16:53

I thought the FML was going to end with "I live alone."

Reply

MisterE101 | 9

#6207890 - Friday 20 February 2015 19:15

I felt the same way!

Reply

starile | 19

#6210624 - Monday 23 February 2015 7:25

This alternate ending gets my vote!
... I'm now a little creeped out.

By matt721 | 8

#6207782 - Friday 20 February 2015 16:53

You should probably talk to her about this. Because she is probably texting more boys than just you.

Reply

1PersonIsMyWorld | 22

#6208063 - Friday 20 February 2015 23:22

not necessarily. .. some women just have insecurities and as a result control their man.

Reply

doctorhook86 | 24

#6208124 - Saturday 21 February 2015 0:13

#117: You say that like it makes that behaviour okay somehow.

Reply

devildog562 | 33

#6208319 - Saturday 21 February 2015 4:17

Her name is 1personismyworld. For some reason I don't think this means Jesus. I've read many of your comment ma'am and I'm truly concerned at your perception on what is healthy in relationships , or life in that matter. To each there own .

By jentrynicole | 20

#6207784 - Friday 20 February 2015 16:55

Is your Mom still on there?

By CamBam97 | 7

#6207785 - Friday 20 February 2015 16:55

Sucks for you! gl with that