Today, I woke up to a phone with most of my female contacts missing.... - FML

By FunGhoost - 20/2/2015 13:35 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I woke up to a phone with most of my female contacts missing. I think I'm dating a psycho. FML

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Understandable

Messed up

The end of the road

By iJehx - 13/7/2009 22:18 - United States

Today, I had to clean my walls with those Mr Clean Magic Sponges because we were having visitors. I got bored and started drawing penises with it because they would leave wet marks. There is nothing magic about how slow they dry when your visitors come an hour early. They saw all ten of them. FML

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By whoreticulturalist - 27/10/2012 19:18 - United Kingdom - Plymouth

Today, I decided to watch some porn to cheer myself up after having recently been dumped. Halfway through wanking the gibbon, I got a horrifyingly painful cramp in my foot, and cried out in pain. Ten seconds later, with my pants still down, my dad rushed in to see if I was okay. FML

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By Telemistake - 30/4/2009 18:03 - United States

Today, a telemarketer called for my dad. Jokingly, I said, "I haven't seen him for like five days...I'm starting to get worried," in my best child-like voice. Apparently the telemarketer called Child Protective Services. I'm 20. FML

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By Ferniferousfern - 20/8/2018 18:30

Today, I sat down to use the bathroom after a long day of work. My toilet, however, had other plans, as a spontaneous, ear shattering crack flooded the entire bathroom, soaking the outer carpet and shorting out my bathroom scale. FML

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By Anonynonynon - 13/2/2015 19:05 - United States - Kansas City

Today, I'm working for a company that makes over a million dollars a year, yet leaves me with no choice but to pee in a cup because they won't pay to fix the only toilet in the building. FML

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By Teresa - 28/5/2010 04:30 - United States

Today, I couldn't sleep because I had the worst time positioning myself around my cat who was sleeping in my bed. I couldn't kick my cat out of bed because I earlier today had an argument with my brother over which of us the cat loved more. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/3/2012 16:25 - United States - Fort Worth

Today, one of my nostrils became completely blocked. At lunch time, I went out to my car to dig into my nose. When I finished, I held up the cornflake sized booger in victory. I noticed too late that my boss was in a car adjacent to me, shooting me a horrified look. FML

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By Misterhippo - 2/9/2009 00:04 - United States

Today, my best friend thought it would be funny push me off my bike. He thought it was even funnier when the paramedic accidentally dropped me. FML

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By xerrika - 3/6/2014 11:56 - Canada - Windsor

Today, I finally finished a drawing that someone had asked and said they would pay me for. I worked on it for multiple hours and was very proud of it. When it came to discussing payment, I asked what his best offer was. A pack of cigarettes. FML

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By sushichick - 15/4/2020 12:00 - United States - San Jose

Two-stroke

Today, my boyfriend posted a status on Facebook saying what a great girlfriend he had. Flattered, I commented on it, saying that I felt the same about him. Turns out he was talking about his other girlfriend. FML

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By tuck87 - 18/7/2014 15:49 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I had a customer write "fuck you" in the tip option area on his credit card slip, I have no idea why. FML

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By karmaaa - 16/10/2014 20:56 - United States - Huxley

Today, I was driving with my grandma and she was going 30 over the speed limit. To slow her down, I said, "Hey look, the police". She slammed on the brakes so hard I hit my head on the dashboard. FML

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By sydstreet - 9/4/2012 05:31 - United States - Arlington

Today, my anxiety was so bad that when I was riding my bike on the side walk and two pedestrians came walking in the opposite direction, I got so nervous about having to go between them or accidentally hitting them that I fell off my bike, into a bush. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/5/2020 20:00

So special

Today, my boyfriend gave me the best birthday ever, then promptly broke up with me at midnight to get back with his ex, because he "didn't want to ruin my special day." FML

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By Peter - 27/12/2011 02:24 - United States

Today, we found out where our daughter had been hiding her crayons. We also found out why our stereo stopped working. FML

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By sadlife - 9/7/2009 18:50 - Canada

Today, I opened my lunch in front of my friends at university. I had a note in my lunch from my mother that said "Have a good day sweetie! - Love mom". I wrote that note, and put it in my lunch to impress my friends. FML

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By lucy - 3/3/2009 05:55 - United States

Today, my boyfriend asked me what I enjoyed most about the weekend we'd spent together. I mention in detail a certain move he had pulled when we made love. When asked what he enjoyed most, he replies "putting my fish tank together". FML

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By tcm123 - 29/10/2012 04:31 - United States - Champaign

Today, maintenance came to fix the constantly beeping alarm system near my apartment. They changed it from beeping on-and-off to one never-ending beep, similar to the sound of my sanity flat-lining. FML

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By Jusawkward - 1/10/2009 07:07 - United States

Today, I went to my former high school's homecoming game. A classmate who I always had a crush on looks up and goes "Brian!", holding her arms out for a hug. I hug her and she seems a bit suprised but hugs back anyway. I get up and see another Brian from our class behind me. Shame. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/1/2020 20:00 - United States - Grand Rapids

Marking territory

Today, while on a picnic with my boyfriend, he got a little drunk. All of a sudden, he got up, pulled his pants down and pissed all over me. His excuse? "Just marking my territory." FML

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By oh well - 14/3/2019 06:00 - United States - Hesperia

Today, my sister in law threatened to call CPS on me because I “starved” her children when they spent the night. I didn’t starve them. I made an actual home cooked meal instead of the microwaveable or fast food crap she constantly feeds them. They chose not to eat and threw tantrums instead. FML

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By Puppy problems - 27/10/2013 01:23 - United States - Essex Junction

Today, I invited my boyfriend over to meet my new puppy. My dog decided to take a dump on his lap. He is now not talking to me because he thinks I trained my dog to do that. FML

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By wormsick - 6/12/2009 09:16 - United States

Today, I found out my diet and exercise plan wasn't nearly as effective when it comes to weight loss as I had originally thought. It turns out what really accounts for all the weight I've been losing is tape worms. FML

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By wtfbabe - 22/6/2018 05:00

Today, my husband's dick went in the wrong hole. And by the wrong hole, I mean another man’s anus. FML

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By Username - 15/6/2011 01:17 - United Kingdom

Today, I was unbelievably horny so I sent a kinky text message to a boy I really like, only to receive the reply, "Not tonight, I'm raging Minecraft, having a wank, and going to sleep. Try again tomorrow." FML

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By workinggirl - 7/3/2010 17:38 - United States

Today, I went on a date with a guy that I met at a masquerade. The moment he saw me without my mask on, he left the date. FML

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By driven_crazy - 12/12/2014 19:52 - United States - Newark

Today, my boss threw a pre-Christmas party at work. He always uses them to rant at us and tell us to be better employees. When the speech began, the alarm I have set for my daily birth control went off. It's the sound of an obnoxious screaming child. FML

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By stanDman - 19/1/2009 18:05 - Canada

Today, I was jerking one off and my cat jumped out of nowhere and dug his claws into my shaft. Attempting to knock him away resulted in three nasty gashes... that I now have to explain to my wife. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/6/2014 19:52 - United States

Today, I found out that the loving nickname my Chinese mother has been calling me my entire life essentially translates to "little retard". FML

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By Anonymous - 6/6/2015 04:20 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I have food poisoning. My boss told me that if I didn't come into work, I'd be fired. Not 30 minutes after sitting down, I sneezed and shat my pants. My boss still won't let me leave. FML

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By teddyissmall - 14/4/2014 06:29 - Canada - Montr?al

Today, I was hanging out with my boyfriend. Everything seemed to be going well, when all of a sudden he turned to look at me with a pensive and thoughtful expression. I expected him to say something important, but instead he just said, "I was wondering, how does it feel to be fat?" FML

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By my bad - 24/9/2020 01:58 - United States

Brain fart

Today, I went out with my friend and her boyfriend. Not knowing him very well, I accidentally called him by her ex’s name. He took that as a sign she was still seeing the ex and dumped her on the spot. She’s now not speaking to me for ruining her life. I’m just bad with names. FML

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By emogurl - 22/7/2009 05:47 - United States

Today, I returned from a month-long stay in a psych ward for severe depression and suicide attempts. The first words my friends say to me when I call them and let them know I'm out? "Does this mean you're not gonna be so emo? 'cause that was really annoying." FML

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By Heknowsnothing - 13/7/2016 21:09 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I got my giant Game of Thrones tattoo finished. Despite the fact that I had spelt it out for him, the artist wrote 'You no nothing John Snow'. It's the focal part of the tattoo. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/10/2011 21:37 - United States

Today, I learned the hard way how easy it is to get on my boss's bad side. We were talking about reality TV shows and I'd mentioned how much I despise Snooki, and how useless to the planet she is. Now I fear for my job. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/10/2009 09:19 - United States

Today, I met a close friend of my husband for the first time. She told me it was amazing that I agreed to be in an open marriage and asked if sex was weird knowing he'd slept with other women. No, the sex wasn't weird, because we're not in an open marriage. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/10/2009 11:15 - United States

Today, after sleeping with a guy I met at a party, I woke up to find him peeing in the corner of my room on my roommate's carpet. FML

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By Rusty - 12/12/2015 00:49 - United States

Today, I did slightly below average on my programming project. Aside from it being unnecessarily difficult, I also couldn't focus on it due to problems at home. After I confided in my colleague about it, I heard him mutter, "I knew women are crappy programmers". FML

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By Anonymous - 23/9/2010 16:19 - United States

Today, my chemistry professor made us all leave our classroom mid-lab because the class was complaining of the smell, and he was worried that there was a gas leak from one of the Bunsen burners. There wasn't, but it's nice to know my "silent but deadly" smelled like it might actually kill. FML

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By owwwww - 19/7/2012 20:05 - United States - Piscataway

Today, I was having a really vivid dream in which I had to take a penalty kick to win the World Cup for the USA. I took the kick, but in reality, I smashed my foot against my bedroom wall and broke four of my toes. I also missed the kick in my dream. FML

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Top comments

By bethanyhopkins | 48

#6207771 - Friday 20 February 2015 16:51

Get out while you can

By LizetteBerenice | 22

#6207773 - Friday 20 February 2015 16:51

You are.

COMMENTS

By 1dvs_bstd | 41

#6207770 - Friday 20 February 2015 16:51

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

Tarlachia | 33

#6207775 - Friday 20 February 2015 16:52

You mad, bro?

Reply

Arwen_Evenstar | 37

#6207783 - Friday 20 February 2015 16:54

I'm glad this comment was so fun to help that along. :)

Reply

FluffyPandas156 | 13

#6207803 - Friday 20 February 2015 17:08

expecting you to see a lot of down votes. Haha But seriously I think we'll stick with FML as Fuck My Life. And tbh. the "you mean your ex" is overused a lot. But to see this I'm laughing.

Reply

Lostboy717 | 11

#6207888 - Friday 20 February 2015 19:11

Finally someone gets it!

Reply

thatnewgirl | 16

#6207904 - Friday 20 February 2015 19:41

I completely agree with you (minus the change fml to fun my life instead of fuck my life)

Reply

tbro47 | 23

#6208017 - Friday 20 February 2015 21:48

Why so serious #1?

Reply

mrmcleod | 29

#6208042 - Friday 20 February 2015 22:33

Holy shit brodawg! You have -145 downvotes! Daaaaaaaaayyyyuuuuuuuum!

Reply

ErinPinelli | 24

#6208048 - Friday 20 February 2015 22:50

How about be quiet ffs.

By bethanyhopkins | 48

#6207771 - Friday 20 February 2015 16:51

Get out while you can

Reply

1PersonIsMyWorld | 22

#6208060 - Friday 20 February 2015 23:20

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

lolbash | 18

#6208069 - Friday 20 February 2015 23:30

Men are not your personal slaves

Reply

shay_serendipity | 29

#6208073 - Friday 20 February 2015 23:36

#114, are you sure? Because I'm not sure that anyone likes to date the type that are psychos... but maybe that's just me.

Reply

AkashaSC2 | 11

#6208150 - Saturday 21 February 2015 0:25

True #114 : they're called "masochistes"...

Reply

4WheelBurnout | 14

#6208207 - Saturday 21 February 2015 1:51

You mam are fucked in the head

Reply

cristy91 | 33

#6208208 - Saturday 21 February 2015 1:54

If you're that insecure that you have to delete nearly all female contacts on your partner's phone without their permission then you need to reevaluate your own mentality.

Definitely follow #2s advice, OP

Reply

brand125 | 17

#6208220 - Saturday 21 February 2015 2:04

114 - your also fucked, then

Reply

PleasantDino | 22

#6208523 - Saturday 21 February 2015 9:08

@114 do you have any idea of what a healthy relationship is?

Reply

aubamas | 20

#6238457 - Friday 20 March 2015 22:13

you got your own overly attached girlfriend

By LizetteBerenice | 22

#6207773 - Friday 20 February 2015 16:51

You are.

Reply

lovelyvampire | 16

#6208104 - Saturday 21 February 2015 0:04

Bitches me crazy

Reply

Greenteamextreme | 16

#6208586 - Saturday 21 February 2015 12:22

#126 - Bitches all me crazy!

By redneck_wolf | 19

#6207777 - Friday 20 February 2015 16:53

Run and don't look back

By Arwen_Evenstar | 37

#6207778 - Friday 20 February 2015 16:53

I think that's a symptom of them being bat-crap crazy. In clinical terms.

By iiTzNeeNerz | 26

#6207779 - Friday 20 February 2015 16:53

Yeah. I think it's time to 'Delete' and 'Block' her.

Reply

1PersonIsMyWorld | 22

#6208062 - Friday 20 February 2015 23:21

block then delete

Reply

SecretAgent_700 | 15

#6208365 - Saturday 21 February 2015 4:54

No, #116, I'm pretty sure it's 'Delete' and then 'Block' just like #8 said.

Reply

Compgeek1996 | 5

#6208417 - Saturday 21 February 2015 6:11

More like 'Delete' or 'Exterminate'. Save someone else the trouble of having to deal with her.

Reply

musoboy | 22

#6208561 - Saturday 21 February 2015 11:09

In many cases, 'block' action includes an automatic 'delete' action.

By Cortezthe1st | 23

#6207781 - Friday 20 February 2015 16:53

I thought the FML was going to end with "I live alone."

Reply

MisterE101 | 9

#6207890 - Friday 20 February 2015 19:15

I felt the same way!

Reply

starile | 19

#6210624 - Monday 23 February 2015 7:25

This alternate ending gets my vote!
... I'm now a little creeped out.

By matt721 | 8

#6207782 - Friday 20 February 2015 16:53

You should probably talk to her about this. Because she is probably texting more boys than just you.

Reply

1PersonIsMyWorld | 22

#6208063 - Friday 20 February 2015 23:22

not necessarily. .. some women just have insecurities and as a result control their man.

Reply

doctorhook86 | 24

#6208124 - Saturday 21 February 2015 0:13

#117: You say that like it makes that behaviour okay somehow.

Reply

devildog562 | 33

#6208319 - Saturday 21 February 2015 4:17

Her name is 1personismyworld. For some reason I don't think this means Jesus. I've read many of your comment ma'am and I'm truly concerned at your perception on what is healthy in relationships , or life in that matter. To each there own .

By jentrynicole | 20

#6207784 - Friday 20 February 2015 16:55

Is your Mom still on there?

By CamBam97 | 7

#6207785 - Friday 20 February 2015 16:55

Sucks for you! gl with that