Love: Today, I woke up to a phone with most of my female contacts missing.... - FML

By FunGhoost - United States - San Francisco

Today, I woke up to a phone with most of my female contacts missing. I think I'm dating a psycho. FML

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Headache

Don't you know that you're toxic?

Backwards world

By Anonymous - United States - Plainsboro

Today, while life-guarding in a 55+ community, I greeted a man by saying: "Good morning Sir!" He responded with, "Cut the shit kid, I'm not that fucking old." FML

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By frustrated - United States - Antioch

Today, I got head lice, so I went to a store to buy medicated shampoo. When checking out the cashier saw my shampoo and asked me to leave immediately to protect the other customers. He didn't let me buy the shampoo. FML

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By too tight - United States

Today, in a rush to get ready, I put on some "sexy" panties that I bought years ago. By the second hour of work, they were so tight and uncomfortable, I had to cut slits up the sides to avoid cutting off the circulation to my legs. FML

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By hejdixjeln - United States - Evanston

Today, I advised my daughter to not drink a Coke before bed. She smiled at me and reassured me that it could be balanced out with sleeping pills. I'm raising a future drug addict. FML

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By ggbhghggg - United States

Today, I missed my bus. I had to ride my bike 2 miles. Once I left, some jerk nearly hit me. I flipped him off and shouted obsceneties. It was my dad, offering me a ride. He left. FML

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By OneYearMistake. - United Kingdom

Today, for our one year anniversary, my boyfriend decided to make me a patchwork blanket. The thing is, the patches were stains from bedsheets from where the 'wet spot' was. He thought it was romantic. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I noticed that someone smeared "wash me" into the grime of my car. I decided to take it to get a wash. I pulled up, put my vehicle in neutral, and kicked back as it slowly started to move. You never realize how long it takes a sun roof to close until water is dumping on your head. FML

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By phillij2 - United States

That hurts, BTW

Today, I got surgery on one of my hands. I opted for a local anesthetic instead of being put all the way under. I soon discovered my hand hadn't gone completely numb when the doctor started slicing into the finger that needed operating on. FML

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By copshop - United States

Today, I was working the graveyard shift as a security guard. I fell asleep in my car doing paperwork around 2 am. When my supervisor came to check on me, he pounded on my window, wearing a "Scream" mask. I panicked and pepper sprayed him. Too bad my window was closed. FML

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By _Asykes_

Today, I started a new school, after moving from England to New York. People only talked to me just to hear my accent. FML

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By Anonymous

Time for a BBQ

Today, my friend hit a bird with her car. She asked me to get it off for her, so I reluctantly complied. It came off. In pieces. FML

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By MIA

Today, on Maury…

Today, my husband of four years finally told me he has an eight-year-old son. FML

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By ckatia - France - Paris

Today, my eyesight is getting terrible. I saw a white cat in front of my house, so I went up to it. To my delight it didn’t move, so I bent down to stroke it. Wrong call, it was a plastic bag. FML

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By itsellie27 - United Kingdom - London

Today, my boyfriend told me that he would leave me if I didn't seek help for my eating disorder. The eating disorder in question? Vegetarianism. FML

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By Toothy - United States

Today, I learned that when I leave skid marks in the toilet my wife uses my toothbrush to remove them. FML

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By selfesteemboost - Belize

Today, one of my dorm-mates started laughing at a bra hanging to dry in our bathroom. She thought it was hilarious that a college student would still have "such small, baby tits." It was my bra. FML

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By aninnocentonlooker - United States

Today, I was driving my drunk best friend and his "new friend" back to his house. Halfway, this new friend started to give him head. FML

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By textraped - United States

Today, I jokingly had kinky conversation via text message with a good guy friend. He was pretending to be a stranger and was fishing for compliments and asked to have a foursome. Turns out, my friend lost his phone and I spent 2 hours talking to a pervert about what lingerie I was wearing. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Westbury

Today, I couldn't move without people talking to me about the "Royal Baby". It's like it's actually going to have an effect on my life. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, My girlfriend and I were watching tv when suddenly one of our phones start going off. We both have the same phone and they were next to each other. She picks up the phone and reads the text message, "I wish you were here! I'd fuck you silly" She gets pissed and runs out. It was her phone. FML

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By britney - Canada

Today, I got flowers sent to my work, I happily opened them in front of my co-workers thinking they were from my crush, I open the card to see "Love you, from mom". My mother thinks my love life is so pathetic, thats she needs to send me flowers to cheer me up. FML

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By liz1234 - United States

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. His mom called to him from the next room telling him dinner would be ready soon, he needed to move his car, etc. They had a 5 minute conversation...while he was still inside me. FML

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By Ruby Lore

Today, I asked my dad if he'd like to go fishing together, but he said he was busy with errands. Later, in a casual conversation with my friend, she opened up her phone to show me pictures of her fishing with my dad. FML

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By Samm Povich - United States

Today, while working as a police dispatcher, I took a call for a motorcycle accident that occurred near my house. After obtaining all the essential information I realized the rider was my brother. He doesn't own a motorcycle, but I do. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Mascotte

Today, I found out you can get hemorrhoids during labor even if you have a c-section. FML

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By oceangirl - United States

Today, I texted my flatmate to ask him when he would be paying his portion of the rent, since he has told me he would be late this month. He wrote back to inform me that he had moved out last night while I was away, and that he won't be paying me anything. FML

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By g_unit - Canada

Today, at work, I went to fold a pair of pants that was left in a changing room to find out that someone had taken a dump in them. FML

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By lily - United States

Today, my friend and I were making sandwiches at his house. His family's dog wandered over just as I dropped a large chunk of cheddar on the floor. The dog snatched it up and ran away with it. I yelled after it, jokingly, that I hoped it would choke and die. It did. FML

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By katie06 - United States

Today, my dad explained to me the "chain of command" for our house. McKinley, Mom, himself, Charlie, then me. McKinley is my two year old daughter and Charlie is the dog. He was dead serious. FML

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By Anonymous

Not so ready to rumble

Today, my pro wrestling training class had come to a close and I was gathering my things outside of the ring. One of my fellow trainees got out of the ring on the side where there was nothing but giant stage lights. He knocked them over onto me, giving me my first pro wrestling injury. I’d always thought that would happen in the ring. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I gave my name for a lunch order, I even spelled it out for the cashier. When my food was ready, they screamed "Labia," in the restaurant full of people. My name is Nadia. FML

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By coloris

Today, I came home on crutches. My dog was immediately afraid of them, and came running towards me, growling and barking. She ran right into me, knocking me over. FML

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By ohhdear.___. - Canada - Hamilton

Today, I found out my 12 year old daughter is going through a bit of an "emotional" stage. I got a call from her school saying she was sitting in the corner at recess trying to cut her wrist. With a plastic spoon. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after 26 years of confusion with my parents pronouncing it different ways, and in my mom's case, multiple ways, having to clear up how it's spelled every time I meet someone, I asked my mom how to pronounce my name. She got mad and then pronounced it three different ways while explaining. FML

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By Avnirvana - 7/10/2020 23:01 - United States

Fair analysis

Today, I seriously considered writing in SCP-106 for president. I hate both candidates so much, I would willingly take President Radical Larry. FML

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By Entheatus - Canada

Today, I polished off the delicious iced gingerbread cookies in the pantry. I'd assumed the little flecks on them were speckles of broken icing, but as I went to throw the cookie bag away, a larva crawled out. The hundreds of flecks were moth eggs. I've been eating the cookies for three days. FML

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By notcool - United States

Today, I learned that my anxious and obsessive mother is going to drive three hours every weekend to attend a Johns Hopkins medical course on stress reduction. Why is this bad? I just left home for college and have enjoyed my last two weeks of freedom without her around. I attend Johns Hopkins. FML

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By bcoper - United States

Today, I was in pain due to overdoing it at the gym yesterday, so I thought a hot shower might help. Not only was there no hot water because of my sister's hour long showers, but I slipped getting out and hit my head. Now the pain is worse. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that I was one point away from passing a state science exam. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I wrote a mental note: don't tell a couple of nuns that you used black magic to fix their computer. Then don't tell the story to your boss just as the nuns walk back in again. Then don't say "speak of the devil" to them. FML

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Top comments

By bethanyhopkins | 49

#6207771 - Friday 20 February 2015 16:51

Get out while you can

By LizetteBerenice | 22

#6207773 - Friday 20 February 2015 16:51

You are.

COMMENTS

By 1dvs_bstd | 41

#6207770 - Friday 20 February 2015 16:51

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

Tarlachia | 33

#6207775 - Friday 20 February 2015 16:52

You mad, bro?

Reply

Arwen_Evenstar | 37

#6207783 - Friday 20 February 2015 16:54

I'm glad this comment was so fun to help that along. :)

Reply

FluffyPandas156 | 13

#6207803 - Friday 20 February 2015 17:08

expecting you to see a lot of down votes. Haha But seriously I think we'll stick with FML as Fuck My Life. And tbh. the "you mean your ex" is overused a lot. But to see this I'm laughing.

Reply

Lostboy717 | 11

#6207888 - Friday 20 February 2015 19:11

Finally someone gets it!

Reply

thatnewgirl | 16

#6207904 - Friday 20 February 2015 19:41

I completely agree with you (minus the change fml to fun my life instead of fuck my life)

Reply

tbro47 | 23

#6208017 - Friday 20 February 2015 21:48

Why so serious #1?

Reply

mrmcleod | 29

#6208042 - Friday 20 February 2015 22:33

Holy shit brodawg! You have -145 downvotes! Daaaaaaaaayyyyuuuuuuuum!

Reply

ErinPinelli | 24

#6208048 - Friday 20 February 2015 22:50

How about be quiet ffs.

By bethanyhopkins | 49

#6207771 - Friday 20 February 2015 16:51

Get out while you can

Reply

1PersonIsMyWorld | 22

#6208060 - Friday 20 February 2015 23:20

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

lolbash | 18

#6208069 - Friday 20 February 2015 23:30

Men are not your personal slaves

Reply

shay_serendipity | 29

#6208073 - Friday 20 February 2015 23:36

#114, are you sure? Because I'm not sure that anyone likes to date the type that are psychos... but maybe that's just me.

Reply

AkashaSC2 | 11

#6208150 - Saturday 21 February 2015 0:25

True #114 : they're called "masochistes"...

Reply

4WheelBurnout | 14

#6208207 - Saturday 21 February 2015 1:51

You mam are fucked in the head

Reply

cristy91 | 33

#6208208 - Saturday 21 February 2015 1:54

If you're that insecure that you have to delete nearly all female contacts on your partner's phone without their permission then you need to reevaluate your own mentality.

Definitely follow #2s advice, OP

Reply

brand125 | 17

#6208220 - Saturday 21 February 2015 2:04

114 - your also fucked, then

Reply

PleasantDino | 22

#6208523 - Saturday 21 February 2015 9:08

@114 do you have any idea of what a healthy relationship is?

Reply

aubamas | 20

#6238457 - Friday 20 March 2015 22:13

you got your own overly attached girlfriend

By LizetteBerenice | 22

#6207773 - Friday 20 February 2015 16:51

You are.

Reply

lovelyvampire | 16

#6208104 - Saturday 21 February 2015 0:04

Bitches me crazy

Reply

Greenteamextreme | 16

#6208586 - Saturday 21 February 2015 12:22

#126 - Bitches all me crazy!

By redneck_wolf | 19

#6207777 - Friday 20 February 2015 16:53

Run and don't look back

By Arwen_Evenstar | 37

#6207778 - Friday 20 February 2015 16:53

I think that's a symptom of them being bat-crap crazy. In clinical terms.

By iiTzNeeNerz | 26

#6207779 - Friday 20 February 2015 16:53

Yeah. I think it's time to 'Delete' and 'Block' her.

Reply

1PersonIsMyWorld | 22

#6208062 - Friday 20 February 2015 23:21

block then delete

Reply

SecretAgent_700 | 15

#6208365 - Saturday 21 February 2015 4:54

No, #116, I'm pretty sure it's 'Delete' and then 'Block' just like #8 said.

Reply

Compgeek1996 | 5

#6208417 - Saturday 21 February 2015 6:11

More like 'Delete' or 'Exterminate'. Save someone else the trouble of having to deal with her.

Reply

musoboy | 22

#6208561 - Saturday 21 February 2015 11:09

In many cases, 'block' action includes an automatic 'delete' action.

By Cortezthe1st | 23

#6207781 - Friday 20 February 2015 16:53

I thought the FML was going to end with "I live alone."

Reply

MisterE101 | 9

#6207890 - Friday 20 February 2015 19:15

I felt the same way!

Reply

starile | 19

#6210624 - Monday 23 February 2015 7:25

This alternate ending gets my vote!
... I'm now a little creeped out.

By matt721 | 8

#6207782 - Friday 20 February 2015 16:53

You should probably talk to her about this. Because she is probably texting more boys than just you.

Reply

1PersonIsMyWorld | 22

#6208063 - Friday 20 February 2015 23:22

not necessarily. .. some women just have insecurities and as a result control their man.

Reply

doctorhook86 | 24

#6208124 - Saturday 21 February 2015 0:13

#117: You say that like it makes that behaviour okay somehow.

Reply

devildog562 | 33

#6208319 - Saturday 21 February 2015 4:17

Her name is 1personismyworld. For some reason I don't think this means Jesus. I've read many of your comment ma'am and I'm truly concerned at your perception on what is healthy in relationships , or life in that matter. To each there own .

By jentrynicole | 20

#6207784 - Friday 20 February 2015 16:55

Is your Mom still on there?

By CamBam97 | 7

#6207785 - Friday 20 February 2015 16:55

Sucks for you! gl with that