Miscellaneous: Today, I woke up to a burglar holding a gun. He yelled at me... - FML

By mike oxsmall - 16/06/2011 05:42 - United States

Today, I woke up to a burglar holding a gun. He yelled at me to get up so I did. He then paused and laughed. I was sleeping naked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 042

You deserved it 6 552

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Same thing different taste

By Hunterxx - 07/08/2010 05:21 - United States

Today, my husband thought it'd be funny to trigger the alarm in the house while I was sleeping. Shocked, I ran outside naked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 754

You deserved it 7 228

By hellphone_fml - 01/07/2019 20:00

Today, someone knocked on my door. I yelled "Yeah?" while getting up, since it was locked. My grandpa walked in, as I apparently didn't actually lock it. I was naked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 365

You deserved it 648

Caught

By Anonymous - 25/10/2015 02:47 - United States - Apollo

Today, I woke up to noises in my living room. I was scared, but I loaded my gun and snuck downstairs. I burst into the living room, yelled for the motherfucker robbing me to put his hands up, and flicked on the light. My cat stared back at me like I was a moron then calmly walked out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 596

You deserved it 7 907

By DarkDolly - 04/02/2012 16:39 - France

Today, at around 2am, I was walking through a parking lot to my car when a man walking behind me told me not to be scared. I turned around to tell him there was no problem. He was naked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 026

You deserved it 3 173

By 123roomielover - 26/01/2011 17:40 - United States

Today, I woke up to my new roommate staring at me, just a few inches from my face. She then told me how easy I would be to kill in my sleep. Then she stood up, naked from head to toe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 551

You deserved it 3 739

By Anonymous - 10/04/2011 06:05 - United States

Today, a stoned man tried to break into my house. Naked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 289

You deserved it 4 522

Single shot

By irulan - 14/01/2020 03:00 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I farted so loudly in bed and I woke up my husband. Startled, he thought that someone was entered in our room and fired a shot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 533

You deserved it 595

By Noname - 13/03/2009 03:42 - United States

Today, I woke up to find my car broken into. After being upset for not hearing my car alarm go off I realized it had in the middle of the night. I had woken up and cursed the idiot who set off their alarm and put a pillow over my head, falling back to sleep shortly after. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 781

You deserved it 54 225

Sneaky

By TasedAndDazed - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I snuck into my boyfriend's house because I knew his parents wouldn't be there. Later, I woke up in a hospital bed because his sister thought I was a burglar and tased me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 615

You deserved it 43 640

By BedazzledAlpaca - 08/12/2014 05:03 - United States - Englewood

Today, I fell asleep on the couch and woke up to find that I had slept through my house getting robbed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 846

You deserved it 4 302

Next

Top comments

ThatFatGuyBehind 3

Thursday 16 June 2011 12:05

How small was it for him to be laughing during a burgalery.

hellogoodbye1996 6

Thursday 16 June 2011 12:05

did he tell you to put clothes on?

Comments

example947 0

Thursday 16 June 2011 16:28

...hand?

chrispyy21 0

Thursday 16 June 2011 16:46

shuld of put it in his mouf. if he dun wun it in his mouf he wun let it is his mouf. 10 pount fasial

CryMoreFMLs 14

Thursday 16 June 2011 16:55

117 - Please go back to second grade remedial Wnglush. Nobody on FML can speak retard gibberish.

supermankisses 1

Thursday 16 June 2011 16:57

Here's a thought, next time, spell so we can all understand you.

CryMoreFMLs 14

Thursday 16 June 2011 16:58

**** pudge fingers and my iphone!!! English*** English*** English*** There. Fixed it.

tastymonsterkake 0

Thursday 16 June 2011 17:01

remember: its not the size of the ship, its the motion of the ocean(:

supermankisses 1

Thursday 16 June 2011 17:03

my comment was for 117 too

rallets 22

Thursday 16 June 2011 17:13

lol at OPs name

Iwashere12345 0

Thursday 16 June 2011 17:15

assuming OP's a boy that is

ScuseMePrincess 2

Thursday 16 June 2011 17:18

You should have used that moment of distraction to pin him down, poot in his face, and turn the gun on him.

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Keywords

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The Top

Today, my wife and I got frisky in the living room, completely forgetting we recently gave our adult daughter access to our home security cameras for safety reasons. The cameras didn’t see anything but she now keeps making fun of my orgasm noises, which apparently she found hilarious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 128

You deserved it 439

Today, I confessed to my boyfriend that I have no sex drive, but faked it to avoid hurting his feelings. It was after he confessed he is not attracted to women, but forced himself to have sex with me because he didn't want to admit he is gay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 209

You deserved it 3 633

The Top

Today, my 14-year-old son's pathetic rebellion came to a head. He ran away from home, leaving a note saying he hates me and was leaving forever to be part of a gang his friends had formed. He came back an hour later crying. His whole gang had gotten mugged, which he somehow blamed me for. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 149

You deserved it 6 602

Today, I found out that one of my subordinates, who is whiny, incompetent, undermining, the definition of passive-aggressive and stupid, was given a pay raise. She now makes more than me. My boss values a complete moron over me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 672

You deserved it 276

Today, I was playing a game of truth or dare in a group with a girl I liked. She was dared to kiss me, but then the group decided that that was too cruel of a dare. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 632

You deserved it 4 623

Today, I found out my sister has a nickname for me due to my recent breakouts. It's "volcano face". FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 358

You deserved it 4 836

Today, I poured my heart out into what had to be my greatest set of lyrics for my band ever, at the same time my teacher was explaining chemical changes to the class. At the end of the lecture he picked up my paper, and set it on fire to demonstrate a chemical change. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 275

You deserved it 33 817

Today, my boyfriend took a day off from work because he felt "sick". I thought he might come see me since he hadn't come over in a while. Nope, he went to hang out with his ex instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 413

You deserved it 5 803