By Anonymous - 28/9/2020 18:02 - United States - Gillette

Not now, mom!

Today, my mother showed up to pick something up from my house. I was sleeping and before I knew it she was in my bedroom, jumping on my bed, saying hi to my ex-girlfriend who she thought was with me. It wasn't my ex, and I doubt that girl will ever want to hang out again after that awkward morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1145

You deserved it

151

Tweet

Share

Rock, hard place

#1 Dad of the day

Nooooooo… !

By Shewhoisprobablyafurry - 3/5/2020 02:00

Going nowhere fast

Today, I have a massive crush on a fictional character. Who happens to be an ermine. FML

I agree, your life sucks

488

You deserved it

1068

Tweet

Share

By Almostfunny - United States

Today, I emailed my potential boss a copy of my résumé. However, I didn't realize until too late that it was my fake resume, created for an English class project. Some of my former jobs included being a certified gangster, as well as the former president of Canada. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18325

You deserved it

52103

Tweet

Share

By Cynical - United States

Today, I was in my room with the door locked and my mom knocked on the door. I said "don't come in, i'm naked!" She said "That's okay!" so she unlocked the door and walked in. I was masturbating. FML

I agree, your life sucks

94928

You deserved it

37023

Tweet

Share

By will3000

Today, I was on my way to work behind a very slow car. At a red light, the lady came over and punched me in the face for following her too closely. We are coworkers and our desks are next to each other. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31456

You deserved it

4219

Tweet

Share

By iNearlyHurled - United States

Today, my laptop got hit by a Trojan. Not the malware, but a used condom thrown from a car driving past as I sat on a street bench. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37853

You deserved it

2796

Tweet

Share

By trekkiewife - United States - New Port Richey

Today, my husband jokingly said to me, "I think you love Captain Kirk more than me." Without thinking, I said in a serious tone, "I think I do, too." FML

I agree, your life sucks

19058

You deserved it

7908

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, I got stood up by all five of my friends. I had to spend two hours getting hit on by a guy because I didn't feel safe to drive home. Their excuse? They didn't think I was serious when I said I was already at the bar. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8326

You deserved it

738

Tweet

Share

By HYRTE

Today, I returned a shirt for my mom. When the cashier asked why, I just said my mom didn't like the way it looked. After an awkward pause, I noticed the cashier was wearing the same shirt. She was not amused. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3935

You deserved it

351

Tweet

Share

By InAnAwkwardSituation - United States

Today, I walked in on my new college roommate holding his cock. He said "Hi I'm Jeffrey, and this is Jeffrey junior" while directing attention towards his penis. It's going to be a long semester. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40198

You deserved it

3012

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I got sick of my flatmate stealing my food so I decided to sabotage a leftover pizza with laxatives. I came back home later in the evening after a night of heavy drinking. Guess what I had to eat in my drunken stupor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17229

You deserved it

36765

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 19/2/2021 02:02

Dragging it out

Today, I hadn’t seen my boyfriend since New Year’s Day, then we went out for lunch Valentine's Day and at the end of the date he didn’t even kiss me. He texted me at midnight tonight saying he sorry he’s a jerk and broke up with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

934

You deserved it

83

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Lubbock

Today, I found an injured rabbit by the side of the road. I was about to take it to the local vet, when my husband picked it up and casually snapped its neck. "No rabbit's worth my money" he said, forgetting that he's been a jobless moocher for over 3 years. Pass me the goddamn divorce papers. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19799

Phew, glad it wasn't me

2602

Tweet

Share

By -_- - Canada - Waterloo

Today, I started my new job at a restaurant I really like. As I waited on my first customer, I suggested that he try the apple pie, because it's my favourite. He looked up at me and said, "Yeah? Figures! Lay off 'em, porky!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

48179

You deserved it

6086

Tweet

Share

By notgay - United States - Cranford

Today, I brought my best friend home and told my dad we were going to study together. He loudly replied "Woah!", stumbled around for a few seconds like he was drunk, then apologized and said the "sheer amount of gayness" between us had overloaded his gaydar. We're not gay, dammit! FML

I agree, your life sucks

28618

You deserved it

3552

Tweet

Share

By testacular - United Kingdom - Plymouth

Bad blow job

Today, due to a combination of boredom and a faulty hair dryer, I now have singed pubes and burned balls. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24612

You deserved it

55607

Tweet

Share

By DrunkPeopleSuck

Today, a customer at the bar I work at yelled at me for calling her "Ma'am." I asked what she'd prefer, and she gave me her name. When I called her by her name, she yelled at me for not calling her "Ma'am." FML

I agree, your life sucks

1820

You deserved it

105

Tweet

Share

By Stigmamma

Today, my 12-year-old son and 13-year-old daughter sprayed themselves with a ton of deodorant and perfume respectively. The two clouds of spray have combined into a noxious gas that slowly traveled through the house, giving everybody an instant, massive headache. Everybody, except my son and daughter. They think they smell great. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1870

You deserved it

229

Tweet

Share

By Lori_ftw - United States - Oakland

Today, my store manager thought that it would improve morale to talk in hashtags. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40804

You deserved it

3659

Tweet

Share

By Jetlagged

Today, I'm stuck at the airport overnight, because my phone didn't update its time zone after flying in, so I watched my train leave, thinking mine wasn't due for another hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3436

You deserved it

1849

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Cats gonna cat

Today, I got a new mattress delivered to my house. Didn’t have it on the frame for more than 5 minutes before my cat had already pissed on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1387

You deserved it

341

Tweet

Share

By 42 - Canada

Today, my parents told me that I was born to entertain my brother. I have found the meaning of life. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42649

You deserved it

4102

Tweet

Share

By Haggis300 - Australia

Today, my best friend went to my boss and offered to do my job for half the pay. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31176

You deserved it

2436

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 30/5/2020 23:05

What a charmer

Today, after surgery on Monday, I can’t do much because of where my scars are until they heal. My husband won’t clean the house at all, dishes are all over my kitchen bar, laundry is all piled up by the washing machine. When I asked for help, he said it’s not his job. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2082

You deserved it

539

Tweet

Share

By mandy - United States

Today, I was taking the bus to work and it was a rather bumpy ride. The child sitting across from me asked her mom if her chin moves like mine when the bus goes up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26828

You deserved it

6675

Tweet

Share

By DeeDee - Austria - Vienna

Today, my brother came to my first standup comedy act. He'd apparently read my material beforehand, and kept finishing my jokes for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54632

You deserved it

5419

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was writing my rough draft of an essay, and I forgot how to spell a word. I waited for auto correct to help. I was writing on paper. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13188

You deserved it

44654

Tweet

Share

By not paid enough - United States - Antioch

Today, I got written up for asking my coworker a question that I should have asked my boss to ask my coworker. Yay bureaucracy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43677

You deserved it

4116

Tweet

Share

By thesporkhop - United States

Today, I was going to end a thing I had with this guy. It turned out that he got back together with his ex-girlfriend and was just using me as a back up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23002

You deserved it

4057

Tweet

Share

By Beesmakemerun

Today, I made a joke about my electric lawnmower sounding like a bunch of angry bees. It was verified when I ran over a beehive in my backyard. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4187

You deserved it

524

Tweet

Share

By yamaha_313 - United States - Wartburg

Today, my 82-year-old great grandfather informed me that his "peeter" still works, and that most guys his age can't say the same. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25570

You deserved it

2197

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, I went to the phone store to get a new SIM card. The store manager went on my browser to see if my data was working. Two pages of porn popped up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1464

You deserved it

4460

Tweet

Share

By cjk004 - United States

Today, I was trying on lingerie in the dressing room of Victoria’s Secret with my boyfriend next to me. I told my him in a seductive, playful tone “You can stay and watch if you give me a piece of your gum.” He said “No I only have three more” and left the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46664

You deserved it

6592

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I tried to surprise my parents on their first day back from New York with candles I made. I used actual lavender flecks from our garden for the scent in the candles. My plan worked until the lavender caught on fire which then spread to all of our mail and newspapers. Welcome home. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34165

You deserved it

11669

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 23/11/2020 20:02 - Canada - Barrie

Pay up, dude

Today, I found out I had gotten a parking ticket while I was travelling a few months back in California. I moved since, so I didn’t know I had it so it increased to 200$ and when I told the guy who was actually driving the car about it, he blocked me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

813

You deserved it

111

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my wife and I had a huge fight. I was getting ready to go to sleep on the couch when she came downstairs and grabbed a very large metal spoon. I'm afraid to go to sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26875

You deserved it

4226

Tweet

Share

By TabbyCat87 - United States - Lamar

Today, my mom informed me she got married two weeks ago. Hard to congratulate her when this is her eighth husband. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22514

You deserved it

1449

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Netherlands

Today, my old highschool math teacher called me, asking me to please stop calling him at 2AM every weekend. Turns out my best friend uses my cellphone to call his number every time she's drunk, and declares her eternal love to him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38261

You deserved it

4349

Tweet

Share

By Embarrassed daughter.. - United States

Today, for the Superbowl halftime show, my mom was blasting the TV, dancing, and singing along to Bruce Springsteen in front of me and my boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21999

You deserved it

6904

Tweet

Share

By Nixontones - United States

Today, I have been pissing blood for 2 hours, ever since some douche in a Nixon mask ran up and slugged me in the kidney. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37953

You deserved it

2505

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Chicago

Today, my fiancé's best friend, who will be our best man at our wedding, decided to confess his feelings for me and tell me how he's always dreamed of us eloping together. The wedding is going to be awkward. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50757

You deserved it

3307

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By princess_stabitty | 18

#7941447 - Tuesday 29 September 2020 6:16

I don't think your mom has a good idea what a personal space and personal boundaries are. Educate.

By Chazzster | 20

#7941435 - Tuesday 29 September 2020 4:18

Change your locks, do not give your family a key to your home. It could have been worse...

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 29

#7941430 - Tuesday 29 September 2020 2:42

Part way through this story, I inexplicably started singing "Five Little Monkeys Jumping on the Bed," and got sidetracked.

What happened?

By Slim87R | 6

#7941431 - Tuesday 29 September 2020 4:08

That is just weird. Is there no boundaries in your household?

By Chazzster | 20

#7941435 - Tuesday 29 September 2020 4:18

Change your locks, do not give your family a key to your home. It could have been worse...

By princess_stabitty | 18

#7941447 - Tuesday 29 September 2020 6:16

I don't think your mom has a good idea what a personal space and personal boundaries are. Educate.