Today, I went to see John Mayer. Being 6'2", I didn't think there...

By edot - 16/1/2010 03:30 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to see John Mayer. Being 6'2", I didn't think there would be any trouble seeing the stage, until three 6'6" men stood directly in front of me, pissed in a cup and managed to spill it over me. FML

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Miscellaneous

Healthy relationship

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Deep-seated resentment

By not a shitty situation so fuck you - 24/6/2016 22:52 - United States - San Francisco

Today, in a public toilet, I got to experience a guy high out of his mind kicking in my locked stall door and puking all over me. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/12/2019 14:00

Taking pictures

Today, I was teaching a high school calculus class. I wrote a complex formula on the board. As I wrote, students asked if they could take a picture of the board and circulate it. I said yes, and I was pleased as everybody seemed to be taking pictures. Soon, I realized why: my skirt was tucked into my underwear. Within a few minutes, every student in the school had an email with a picture of my ugliest pair of floral-printed panties. FML

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By BOO! - 25/5/2019 04:00

Today, my girlfriend was giving me head. When I came, she was scared of the "stuff" that came out. FML

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By meh - 26/5/2015 05:09 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I asked my landlady if she could fix the air conditioner that's been broken since I moved in. Instead, she came round and took away my bathroom mirror, along with all the toilet paper. FML

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By gamerguru13 - 21/4/2013 12:26 - United States - New York

Today, my grandmother tried to upstage me at my wedding by wearing an actual wedding dress because she "never had a real wedding". FML

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By Sloppy Cashmere - 9/5/2016 21:26 - United States - Bemidji

Today, I visited a waterpark with friends. At one point, a woman floating near me suddenly says to me, "How are you doing, honey?" Instinctively, I replied, "I'm well". The woman gave me a strange look and I turned around to find she was talking to her child directly behind me. FML

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By RustyRuski - 29/12/2014 22:58 - United States - Greenwood

Today, my boyfriend told me that we need to talk. I think he dumped me, but I'm not sure, because he muttered it in Russian and quickly left. FML

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By ohboy - 6/3/2009 00:51 - United States

Today, I was supposed to see an apartment. 30 minutes after I was to meet the owner, she still hadn't shown. I called her. When I got no response, I was annoyed and kept calling. Finally, she answered, said, "I'm in the hospital with my father. He just died. Please stop calling me," and hung up. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/12/2011 01:52 - Canada

Today, I went with my friend door-to-door selling chocolates. We went to the first house, and the guy decided to buy a chocolate from each of us. He didn't have change and neither did we, so he just took the chocolates and slammed the door in our face. FML

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By Dave B - 25/11/2011 06:59 - Reserved

Today, I was verbally abused by a guy in a 4-wheel-drive twat-tank for listening to music on my iPod while I was "blocking the way." I was standing on the footpath waiting for a bus. At a bus stop. FML

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By therosalina - 1/10/2018 10:30 - United States - Duluth

Today, my dad moved my car onto the street so he wouldn't accidentally back into it while moving our boat. My neighbor backed into it instead. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/12/2012 07:20 - United States - Valencia

Today, my boyfriend was dropping me off home and we were still in the car. When I went in to give him a hug, my hand hit his shoulder and I dropped my phone at his feet. Just as I pulled back up with it, my dad was staring at us from outside. He still appears to think I was giving him head. FML

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By LegallyBored - 16/12/2016 21:00 - Canada - Regina

Today, my roommate went away for the weekend so she could hook up with a guy from Tinder that she's never met. This wouldn't be a problem if we hadn't already made plans for my 18th birthday, which is also today. Here's to a night of Netflix with my dog. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/1/2015 17:17 - United States - Cuyahoga Falls

Today, I mixed up my chapstick and cork grease. Now my clarinet smells like cherries, and my lips smell like a gym floor. FML

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By Anon - 4/12/2015 07:14 - United States - Modesto

Today, I got detention at school because a girl told the principal I was stalking her on campus. I wasn't stalking her, we just have very similar schedules. FML

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By anonymous - 27/11/2009 09:20 - United States

Today, I was opening up to my close friend about my low self esteem. To make me feel better, he told me that he gets a boner whenever he walks behind me. FML

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By jobless - 13/2/2011 05:31 - United States

Today, I discovered out of the 20 job applications only one job called me for an interview. They told me to leave after two sentences. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/2/2017 13:00 - United States - Houston

Today, my wedding ring came off in a Walmart bathroom and fell into the toilet. It was an automatic toilet. It flushed. FML

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By heyyoitsapotato - 31/5/2013 02:35 - United States

Today, while working as a lifeguard, a kid took a dump in the pool. When I told everyone to clear the pool so we could clean it, another kid promptly stared at me, stood at the shallow end right where I was standing, pulled down his trunks, and peed on my feet. FML

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By busybuzzybee - 17/8/2011 00:31 - United States

Today, my asshole of a roommate finally decided to move out. Not only did he take his belongings with him, he took some of mine as well. Including my dog. FML

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By notagoodjoke - 25/12/2016 01:01 - United States - Vincentown

Today, Christmas Eve, I told my wife she has three presents to choose from: one large, one small and one tiny. She immediately responded, "is the tiny one in your pants?". FML

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By illuminatzi - 3/10/2015 02:32 - United States - Temple

Today, I was running late for work. I forgot my name tag and work hat at home, but my boss is pretty laid back, so I wasn't worried about it. Five minutes into my shift, the district supervisor walked in for a surprise employee inspection. FML

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By Mortifiedcharityworker - 1/5/2014 20:10 - Austria

Today, I didn't pay enough attention while sending a music file to be used in a powerful video my class-mates and I made about the Syrian civil war. Instead of a moving classical track, viewers were shown graphic scenes of devastation to the tune of Gangnam Style. FML

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By owch - 23/11/2015 21:21 - United States - Maumee

Today, I learned that if I take my full dosage of Vicodin, I will throw up all day. I also learned that if I don't take my full dosage of Vicodin, I will be in excruciating pain all day. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/6/2020 23:02

Alexa, play "Noise Annoys" by Buzzcocks

Today, I found out my mother only uses two settings for volume on her laptop: maximum volume or completely quiet. She'll play it over whatever other people are doing, and then get mad when they tell her to turn it down. FML

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By perverted teenage girl - 29/11/2016 21:51

Today, my crush was giving a presentation in class. I zoned out and began staring off into space - which happened to be in the exact direction of his crotch. When I realized what I was doing, I quickly looked up at his face. He was already looking at me, with an expression of severe discomfort. FML

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By Alone - 21/5/2014 11:05 - United States - Washington

Today, I finally had a date, my first one in well over a year. Everything was going good, until my date asked, "Do you like cats or dogs better?" When I responded cats, my date promptly got up and left, saying, "This isn't meant to be." FML

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By kennedygeeee - 8/9/2009 02:28 - United States

Today, I found out my mom was getting remarried, to my dad. He's been in prison for five years because he pushed her out a window. FML

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By sunlightchild_14 - 13/9/2009 07:04 - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend of 2 years that I was pregnant. His response? "That's neat. But we can still have sex, right?" FML

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By Anonymous - 23/5/2014 22:06 - Canada - Oakville

Today, while driving home, some idiot kept tailgating me, so I slowed down, hoping he'd overtake me. He didn't, so I pulled to the side of the road. He did the same, in front of me. He kept toying with me until I crashed into another car trying to speed away from him. FML

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By henhouse - 18/7/2015 11:09 - Australia - Brunswick East

Today, I lost my virginity. The most memorable aspect of it wasn't the fact that my boyfriend finished after two thrusts, but rather the fact that he first said, "The pilot has entered the cockpit." FML

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By Scared - 5/6/2012 00:54 - United States - Arlington

Today, I walked in on my mother stroking my cat and murmuring, "Don't worry, kitty. One day, you and I... we will rule." FML

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By InconsiderateMuch - 16/6/2013 18:11 - Canada - High River

Today, my boyfriend bought another expensive bong to go with the one he bought last month, along with his new phone, airsoft gun, and various other things he's blown our money on this year. He's bought nothing to prepare for our son, though, who's due next month. FML

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By killmenow - 3/12/2015 05:33 - Canada - Halifax

Today, I burped in front of my crush. Well, not really in front of him. I turned around mid-burp and noticed him, not knowing anyone was there. The surprise made me scream a little, which only amplified the burp. So I made this mighty belch-turned-scream noise, while maintaining eye contact with him. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/7/2015 01:12 - United States

Today, while on a cruise that I paid for, I was forced to babysit my 5 bratty nieces while my sister and her deadbeat boyfriend relaxed in the kid free zone. FML

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By "Sarah-Louise James" - 29/4/2019 12:00

Today, I was told by one of my bridesmaids that she can't afford the travel costs to get to my wedding, after telling me that she didn't need me to organize alternate free travel for her. I'm getting married in less than two weeks. FML

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By DHarman - 25/5/2010 23:06 - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend actually walked into a door and gave herself a black eye. She's too embarrassed to admit it, so she's telling everyone I beat her. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/6/2020 20:07

A saint

Today, I'm taking care of my bedridden, 94-year-old grandma. She woke me up at 6 a.m. only to tell me her UTI is still there. Later, she made me interrupt my 15-minute-dinner a total of 4 times because she wanted things like "more lotion in her buttcrack." FML

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By CaseyFpC85 - 11/9/2011 15:13 - United States

Today, the girl I've been dating, and starting to fall in love with, walked out of the bathroom claiming we were going to be parents. I jumped off of the couch in disbelief, yelling, "Really?" She replied, "Really. I just gave birth to a huge dump baby." FML

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By Arp - 4/2/2012 20:46 - United States

Today, I got an early Valentine's day card. My boyfriend and I recently broke up, and my hopes shot up thinking it might be from him. It wasn't. It was from my parents. FML

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Top comments

By chrissy888 | 0

#777612 - Saturday 16 January 2010 9:17

Unless they were security guards, why would there be men at a john mayer concert??

By djtelekinesis | 0

#777623 - Saturday 16 January 2010 9:32

The original problem was the presence at a John Mayer concert.

COMMENTS

By cowgod | 0

#777580 - Saturday 16 January 2010 9:03

cowgod | 0

#777594 - Saturday 16 January 2010 9:07

BWAHAHAHA!!! THIS IS PROOF THAT GOD LOVES ME!!!! ALL YOU LOSERS WHO COMMENT AFTER ME ARE GOING TO BURN IN HELL BECAUSE YOU MEAN NOTHING TO GOD!!!! WAHAHAHA!!

and btw
first. :P

remy_xi | 0

#777608 - Saturday 16 January 2010 9:15

But gods are just fictional placeholders used by the insane and dim-witted to explain the terrifying things around them....

Secret_Fire_King | 0

#777671 - Saturday 16 January 2010 10:26

I'M GUNNA TYPE IN CAPITALS & MAYBE GOD WILL LOVE ME, TOO.. CAN YOU HEAR ME, JEEBUS ?!
RRAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRR.. FEEL THE RAGE???

iKaite | 0

#778024 - Saturday 16 January 2010 16:42

So, you're only six inches high then?

cowgod | 0

#778348 - Saturday 16 January 2010 21:23

Nooooo!!! my comment was deleted. oh well. now back to the fml: thats what you get for going to a john mayer concert.

Secret_Fire_King | 0

#786309 - Wednesday 20 January 2010 14:01

cool.. My first buried comment.. R.I.P. The random comment in CAPS LOCK..

By null_fml | 11

#777599 - Saturday 16 January 2010 9:09

So... you're 6 inches and 2.. what exactly?

B4SK3TB4IL | 0

#1434257 - Tuesday 21 September 2010 6:24

fake. men don't see John Mayer.

154rct | 7

#3772063 - Thursday 22 December 2011 17:47

6 feet 2 inches

boycrazy30007 | 12

#5277327 - Monday 24 December 2012 22:46

' means feet dumbass, " means inches

By BrownSugar_fml | 5

#777609 - Saturday 16 January 2010 9:16

lol centimeters?

anywho, ydi for wanting to see that douche John Mayer

Superstitious | 6

#5526461 - Sunday 9 June 2013 1:21

His blues and folkier stuff kicks ass

By chrissy888 | 0

#777612 - Saturday 16 January 2010 9:17

Unless they were security guards, why would there be men at a john mayer concert??

npk88 | 0

#778104 - Saturday 16 January 2010 18:17

I'm just surprised John mayer has British fans! I didn't think people across the pond cared for him. Learn something new every day!

By chrissy888 | 0

#777618 - Saturday 16 January 2010 9:21

Oh sorry, OP is a man. I honestly didn't realize lol I just assumed a woman wrote that. My bad.

JoshB_24 | 10

#4842936 - Tuesday 21 August 2012 10:50

That's a tall woman hahaha

By Isamermaid | 17

#777622 - Saturday 16 January 2010 9:32

6"2 commas.

OMG, a John Mayor concert. That must have been hardcore. Did you mosh?

This_Quiet_Storm | 0

#779308 - Sunday 17 January 2010 9:28

LMAO

oarisimo | 4

#1048970 - Tuesday 29 June 2010 21:22

ydi for seeing john mayor

By djtelekinesis | 0

#777623 - Saturday 16 January 2010 9:32

The original problem was the presence at a John Mayer concert.

By CHEESYBIGMAC | 0

#777638 - Saturday 16 January 2010 9:46

YDI for going to see John Mayer and being a male.

starberries | 0

#1696348 - Saturday 13 November 2010 22:10

He deserves it for going to see John Mayer, period.

By not14anymore | 3

#777640 - Saturday 16 January 2010 9:47

thats why every time i go to a concert im there atleast 3 hours or so before it starts because im short to but also boots what boost you up like 3 cm also help

By Andyangels27 | 0

#777646 - Saturday 16 January 2010 9:52

you couldn't see John Mayer on stage o god no anyone but John Mayer