Today, I went to pick up my dog from the vet after she had surgery....

By baddoggy - United States

Today, I went to pick up my dog from the vet after she had surgery. I somehow managed to lock my keys, my purse, and my dog in the car. FML

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Animals

Innocent

Big bastard boss

You snooze, you lose

By - 20/12/2019 20:00

Christmas pictures

Today, I walked in on my mom taking nude pictures of herself in the kitchen, wearing just a Santa hat. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, just a few minutes after I got to work, my usually laconic boss came into my office and said, "Pack your stuff and get the f*ck out." Apparently, half my department was being downsized. Thinking it was an April Fool's, I burst out laughing and told him how funny the prank was. He wasn't kidding. FML

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By racking-leaves - United States

Today, after spending 3 hours raking leaves, I went to the store to get some supplies. I came back to find my neighbor had decided to blow his leaves all over my yard. FML

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By Sarah - United States - Pipersville

Today, a hobo shook me down for money on the street. He's my brother, who incidentally ran away from home over two years ago. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Grove City

Today, a childhood friend reached out to me to apologize for our friendship. He was obviously drunk, and admitted that his parents made him become friends with me so that my dad, their landlord, would be easy on them when the rent was short after his mom lost her job. He said he never really liked me and called me a nerd, before hanging up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was out and was having a wonderful time. At exactly midnight, I get a call from my father. He's divorcing my mother. He's also going to Florida with his mistress for the weekend. If that wasn't the best news ever, he'd love if I found an apartment to live in ASAP. FML

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By SleepyKirsty - United Kingdom

Today, I found out just how thin the walls at my new student flat are. They are so thin in fact, that I can hear the creepy guy next door say my full name over and over again very slowly whilst masturbating rigorously. FML

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By KillMeNow - United States

Today, Twilight once again won all the awards at MTV, beating out Inception, Toy Story 3, Harry Potter, etc. This is MY generation. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/10/2020 02:03 - United States - Cleveland

Inspirational tale

Today, my parents got a call from my principal. I'd been lying that I couldn’t see the work I had to do in my online class, because I was behind and I needed to catch up. Tomorrow my parents are getting a call, telling them the dates I've been logged into the online learning. I haven’t logged in in weeks. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband was planning on getting me my favorite movie as an anniversary present; I ended up buying it. He had to give me the money and leave because he is severely arachnophobic and couldn't even pick up the box. I have to hide the movie for fear of it being destroyed. Again. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I confessed to my best friend that I love him and always have. He whispered to himself, "Why do the fat chicks always want me?" FML

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By Rowaelin16 - United States - Crystal Lake

Today, in an effort to be fitter, I joined a Pilates class. Ten minutes into it, I dropped a 10-pound dumbbell on my face. I now have a horrific looking black eye, and half of my cheek is a mottled green color. Not to mention the cut above my eye that needed 4 stitches. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, desperate for my boyfriend to notice me for once, I started noisily masturbating while he was playing World of Warcraft. His response was to put his headphones on. FML

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By perfecttiming - United States - San Jose

Today, my manager called me in to tell me I got the promotion I've been hoping for. He then said that since I didn't look excited about it he might have to rethink it. I was too busy concentrating on holding in diarrhea. FML

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By macaroni17 - United States - New Oxford

Today, we had a speaking assessment in Spanish class. When it was my turn, I yawned in the middle of a sentence, said "excuse me" and finished my sentence. She took points off because I hesitated and I spoke in English, not Spanish. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while my girlfriend and I were getting it on, she suddenly stopped and yelled "STOP!". I stopped, scared I'd hurt her. She then yelled "HAMMER TIME!" and started to dance. We never finished. FML

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33093

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By Anonymous - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I found myself sneaking into my apartment to avoid the old lady that lives next to me. Funny enough, I moved into my own apartment because I was tired of sneaking into it to avoid my mom who lived with me. FML

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13248

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By newmother - Australia

Today, I went into labor with my first child, and as much as I pleaded, I had to wait for my husband to finish his raid in World of Warcraft before he'd take me to the hospital. FML

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By kiki - United States

Today, I realized that in French, my name means "penis." This wouldn't be so bad if my dad wasn't fluent in French. FML

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By Rizzle - New Zealand

Today, I made a tuna sandwich. It was really nice , so I looked at the label to see what brand it was. Turns out it wasn't tuna. It was fancy cat food. FML

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By welcome to the neighborhood - United States - Silver Spring

Today, I met my new neighbors. The first thing they did was build a fence. FML

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By Fwick - United States

Today, I saw my boyfriend for the last time for two years. When we got back from dinner, we sat in his truck for a little while to talk. A few minutes later, my mom comes flying out of my house screaming, "Satan is here, and he is tempting you!" That is the last memory he will have of me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pinellas Park

Today, I was snooping around in my parents' closet to see what I would get for Christmas, when I came across a UPS package. It was the video game I ordered off eBay 3 weeks ago, addressed to me. They told me it had never arrived and said I should ask Santa to bring it to me. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my husband put up one of those sticky fly trap strips behind our toilet. I was tired and didn't notice it in the dark bathroom. I leaned back and it stuck in my hair. I didn't notice the dead flies in my hair until I went to buy lunch. FML

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By kufan1324 - United States

Today, my boss became obsessed with a movie about a pimp. He now refers to all my female coworkers as his "bitches" and refuses to treat us like human beings. Whenever we make a mistake, he rolls his eyes and laughs, "So typical of a prostie." FML

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By jhulich - Sweden - H?gersten

Today, I found out that my mom isn't coming to see me for Christmas. Instead she'll be spending it in jail for a DUI and battery. Thank you to my cocklick of an aunt for taking a recovering alcoholic to a bar and pressuring her into relapse. FML

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By SayItToMyFace - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend asked me to text him when I got home after driving 40 miles in bad weather from his house back to mine. When I did, he broke up with me. FML

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By Ondskansgris - Sweden

Today, I turned 22, without anyone wishing me a happy birthday. In fact, the only phone call I received all day was from my brother. He wanted to borrow money. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Charleston

Today, I guess my son's balls dropped. I've caught him humping his sister's Selena Gomez posters several times today. For god's sake. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Mantua

Today, I told my dog to give me the stick he had in his mouth so I could throw it for him. After I picked it up I realized it was a dried-out piece of shit. FML

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By notaprossie - South Africa

Today, I went to a dress up party. The theme was pirates and prostitutes. At the door I was handed a voucher that said: 'Thank you for dressing up. Collect your free drink at the bar.' I didn't dress up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was looking at my wedding photos. The photographer moved onto the "candid" shots and thought it would be cute to have pics of us making out at the reception. I have blonde hair. The girl in the picture did not. FML

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By p!$$3D0FF - Australia

Today, I bought a pair of new speakers for my comp. I forgot I had installed various volume enhancing programs and also maxed out all sound settings. I connected the new speakers and played some music. The sound destroyed them. FML

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By Former Drummer - United States - Tulsa

Today, I was diagnosed with migraines. Any loud sounds or bright lights make it worse. I'm the drummer for a heavy metal band, so I now have to choose between really bad migraines or a career. FML

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31033

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By - 25/2/2020 14:00

Knock out

Today, I treated myself to a Thai massage. The masseuse was so aggressive and intense, she left me with injuries on my hands and back. I paid $60 for someone to hurt me. FML

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By Leslie - United States

Today, my husband left me for one of the college students I was tutoring in Spanish. We have two kids and are expecting a third. He left a note that said he would "stay in touch." FML

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47023

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By Alexa23 - United States

Today, I got out of the shower and my 3 year old sister comes into the bathroom and says "I want big boobies like yours when I grow up." And from the other room I hear my dad go "Sweetie, you've already got bigger boobs than your sister." FML

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By bgoodwin07 - United States

Today, I found out my dad has been sending dirty text messages to my mom. Which wouldn't be a problem except they're divorced and my dad is remarried. FML

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35839

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By Bahhumbug - Australia - Perth

Today, I found out I was the top ranking sales person for 2014. What did last year's winner receive? An all-expenses paid weekend holiday. What did I receive? A ham. I'm vegetarian. FML

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38579

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By MotherNatureMustDie - South Africa

Today, my telephone line was hit by lightning. I discovered that not only will lightning fry a router, it will also destroy any PCs connected to that router via network cables. I also discovered that a $10 phone line surge protector would have saved nearly $3,000 worth of PC equipment. FML

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Top comments

By yourWIFEandKIDS | 0

#1561179 - Sunday 17 October 2010 16:21

YDI because you're a retard.

By MrsxBillxKaulitz | 5

#1561213 - Sunday 17 October 2010 16:25

your dog probably hit the lock button.

COMMENTS

By yourWIFEandKIDS | 0

#1561179 - Sunday 17 October 2010 16:21

YDI because you're a retard.

BlackMoon_fml | 9

#1561203 - Sunday 17 October 2010 16:23

I second that. Bitches be crazy.

peterkaay | 0

#1561251 - Sunday 17 October 2010 16:29

exactly...

adddadancer | 0

#1561254 - Sunday 17 October 2010 16:29

YDI cuz u suck at life

TooAsianMane | 0

#1561314 - Sunday 17 October 2010 16:47

dont lie. your trying to cook the dam thing so you can eat it. shame.

cutiepie31296 | 0

#1561351 - Sunday 17 October 2010 16:56

ur picture scares me :O

tyronnK | 0

#1561396 - Sunday 17 October 2010 17:05

dats Cali, I'm sure u can find sum1 dat can break into ur car in 5 secs of searchin

corndawg | 2

#1561512 - Sunday 17 October 2010 18:01

people be crazy

TookiMyCooki | 0

#1561549 - Sunday 17 October 2010 18:58

*people can be crazy

Britney_0 | 0

#1561562 - Sunday 17 October 2010 19:07

what kind of a retard manages to do that?

syedlink27 | 0

#1561621 - Sunday 17 October 2010 19:48

I want you in class

stephanie0613 | 0

#1564094 - Monday 18 October 2010 8:18

Wow fuck your dogs life :(

AvAfan | 14

#6228489 - Wednesday 11 March 2015 5:18

Have you never locked your keys in the car? Everyone does stupid things sometimes. You don't have to call her a retard

By RyanGaga | 0

#1561181 - Sunday 17 October 2010 16:21

first?

marinus_fml | 19

#1561208 - Sunday 17 October 2010 16:24

No you are not fucking first. Now gtfo.

peterkaay | 0

#1561273 - Sunday 17 October 2010 16:31

I second that... ^^

Schizomaniac | 24

#1561540 - Sunday 17 October 2010 18:54

You forgot biceps brachii, wrist extensors, and triceps.

MyFirstKiss | 0

#1563437 - Monday 18 October 2010 3:10

44-college win

By pengiesully | 0

#1561188 - Sunday 17 October 2010 16:22

fail

By maphineRAWRS | 10

#1561192 - Sunday 17 October 2010 16:23

naww your poor dog haha
getting stuck I the car after it just had surgury. :(

ViiciousDreamz | 0

#1561640 - Sunday 17 October 2010 20:03

Surgery.

By mahimalil | 0

#1561205 - Sunday 17 October 2010 16:23

wow OP you really suck!! Time to break in

By MrsxBillxKaulitz | 5

#1561213 - Sunday 17 October 2010 16:25

your dog probably hit the lock button.

By shaunosullivan11 | 0

#1561217 - Sunday 17 October 2010 16:25

OP is smooth
ydi for being that dumb... how could you possibly do that?

By The_Mitch | 0

#1561219 - Sunday 17 October 2010 16:25

should have trained it to unlock the car.

By FATSQUIRELL69 | 0

#1561224 - Sunday 17 October 2010 16:25

This a failure so badly, that it shouldn't even be on FML, it should be on fail website, like failblog.org

By lol_ironic_life | 9

#1561226 - Sunday 17 October 2010 16:26

Aww sometimes things like that happen OP hope you were able to get back into your car! :)