Today, I went to pick up my dog from the vet after she had surgery....

By baddoggy - 17/10/2010 08:13 - United States

Today, I went to pick up my dog from the vet after she had surgery. I somehow managed to lock my keys, my purse, and my dog in the car. FML

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Animals

Compassion

Too embarrassed to get them from a store?

You snooze, you lose

By God the smell - 9/8/2018 22:00

Today, my husband had a bad stomach bug and fever. While I was at work, he had diarrhoea but couldn't make it to the toilet so he went in the bin next to his desk, crawled back into bed, and passed out. It sat there in this heatwave for 5 hours. FML

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By - 14/1/2017 08:00

Today, I have peace of mind that I am not pregnant, thanks to my IUD. It's not because of the effectiveness of the contraceptive, but my inability to touch my boyfriend. I haven't stopped bleeding since my doctor installed it 3 weeks ago. FML

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By Brightbulb - 16/11/2017 23:00 - United States

Today, I went to work feeling great. I'd just paid off my student loans and was planning a trip to see friends in Italy. I left work unemployed because a fraud case I exposed 3 years ago got the company sued for slander. It was thrown out because everything was fact. FML

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By Now Single - 3/4/2011 08:06 - Reserved

Today, I got back from vacation and walked in on my boyfriend and my brother in my bed. FML

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By Sua - 19/9/2013 06:15 - Canada - Calgary

Today, my English teacher handed back my creative story assignment with a 74% on it. Apparently, she docked 10% because I had an unrealistic, overly dramatic plot line. That plot line was based on my life. FML

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By Msmerfner - 3/8/2013 08:40 - United States - Hemet

Today, I was trying to be sexy in the bathtub for my boyfriend. I leaned back and caught my hair on fire with the candle. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/11/2013 01:20 - United Kingdom - Ringwood

Today, I told the man my girlfriend has been cheating on me with all about her infidelity. He didn't get angry; he just said that he knew, that they were in an open relationship, and that I was pretty stupid to have not figured it out sooner. FML

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By anonymous - 2/11/2015 03:13 - United States - San Francisco

Today, was the first time giving head to my boyfriend. He couldn't finish, so I tried a handjob. In the end he kind of pushed my hand away so he could finish himself off. FML

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By chi-huaHUA - 4/12/2010 07:08 - United States

Today, I walked outside to see my friend frantically waving and running at me, yelling something I couldn't understand. I smiled and started to jog over to him until I realized he was screaming "RUN!!!" We spent the next 10 minutes running from his neighbor's 5 vicious chihuahuas. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/6/2013 17:51 - United States - State College

Today, I was going to set up my air conditioner in the window. As I opened up the window, I must have disturbed a wasp nest, because a dozen wasps flew in and several of them stung me. The rest are now somewhere in my house with my terrified girlfriend. FML

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By ConfusedCollegeKid - 11/3/2017 13:00 - United States - Normal

Today, my theatre studies professor played a soundscape, then had us write what we thought the meaning was. I thought it was a simulation of what schizophrenia was like. Turns out the teacher bet her friend she could convince us that a bunch of people speaking gibberish meant something. FML

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By Maria39018 - 1/8/2009 18:17 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to be totally honest with each other. We even told some of our deepest, darkest secrets, in hopes of strengthening our relationship. He told me he had a diaper fetish, and would love to see me in one. There goes my sex life. FML

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By bigmouth - 2/8/2009 07:35 - United States

Today, I was working as a host at a pasta dinner. The hostess I was working with was very attractive and we were flirting quite a bit. A large woman walked in to be seated, and I leaned over to her and dared her to ask the woman if she wanted two chairs. She leaned back and said "that's my mom". FML

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By Fluory - 7/12/2009 14:43 - United States

Today, my boyfriend asked me why I chose to date him. After going on for five minutes about how unique and funny he is, I ask him the same question. His reply? "You were the first person to ask me out." He then rolled over and fell asleep. FML

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By Gentleman - 11/1/2010 05:19 - United States

Today, I was very sick with a stomach virus, so I went to the only doctor's office open on Sundays. Even though I was feeling like a pile of shit, I waited for a woman who was walking in behind me to hold the door open for her. She was the last patient they could take for the day. FML

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By Awkward - 1/2/2013 22:53 - United Kingdom - Wolverhampton

Today, I tripped while walking down a large flight of stairs. As I fell forward, I instinctively reached out and grabbed onto one of the guys walking up. I ended up taking him and two other people down with me, earning myself a great many disgusted glares as I dusted myself off. FML

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By christmaswillneverend - 2/1/2013 00:18 - United States - Red Lion

Today, at my four-year-old daughter's insistence, I looked for - and found - a radio station that plays "Santa music" all year round. She's ecstatic and I can't turn it off without upsetting her. FML

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By say dump him and i'll kill you - 29/12/2012 00:50 - United Kingdom - Soham

Today, proving that there's no limit to the stupid shit people will do, my husband called me from hospital, needing a lift home. He tried planking on top of his car while his buddies sped it down a hill, and I now have to take care of him while his broken leg heals. FML

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By istillcannotbreathe - 17/8/2018 06:00

Genius.

Today, my roommate found a solution to his awful body odor: bathing in vinegar. Now instead of smelling like a middle school locker room, the house smells like a chemical plant. I'm not sure which is worse. FML

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By iTried - 28/1/2016 12:12 - United States - Houston

Today, I found out my best friend was cheating on her boyfriend. After confronting her boyfriend and showing him proof, he responded with denial and didn't believe me. Now my whole circle of friends not only think I'm trying to start a rumor, but that I'm a home wrecker. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/9/2010 01:47 - United States

Today, I was at volleyball tryouts when I accidentally spiked the ball into the fire alarm. The fire fighters did not look happy when they found out what had happened. So much for being on the team. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/5/2009 04:18 - United States

Today, I graduated from college with two undergrad degrees in biochem and wildlife biology, with high distinction. My mom told me she had found me a job at a petting zoo. I thought she was joking. She then said sternly "I want grandkids. At least you will meet girls there." FML

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By sushichick - 15/4/2020 12:00 - United States - San Jose

Two-stroke

Today, my boyfriend posted a status on Facebook saying what a great girlfriend he had. Flattered, I commented on it, saying that I felt the same about him. Turns out he was talking about his other girlfriend. FML

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By lonely dreams - 1/1/2013 17:26 - United States - Reno

Today, I have been single and out of the game for so long that instead of having real wet dreams, I now dream about jacking off. FML

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By donuts678 - 16/8/2015 23:37 - United States - Passaic

Today, at the camp that I work at, a little girl asked to "feel" my muscles. Thinking it was cute, I flexed for her. She laughed and said, "No, really." FML

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By FMLFMLFMLFML - 29/5/2009 17:52 - United States

Today, I had sex with a new guy. After we were done, he noticed my lighter on my nightstand and said "I've always wanted to try that!" He put the lighter by his butt and fart into it, producing a flame. After, when he left, I sat there, naked, mortified. FML

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By socialdisease - 22/8/2011 15:58 - United States

Today, my house got egged. Why? As a joke, my friend bought me a doormat that says, "A Canadian Lives Here." I'm Canadian. FML

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By tammyg - 11/2/2010 18:42 - United States

Today, I took Ambien for the first time. Not only did I not fall asleep, but I took my mother through a list of all the men I've slept with. I do not remember a thing, but apparently I was very thorough. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/5/2013 17:03 - United States - Norman

Today, my doorknob broke. While trying to impress my dad and show that I can fix things for girls, I somehow managed to lock myself in my room, with the doorknob on the other side of the door. When my dad finally heard my screams, he let me out. He had to take the whole door off. FML

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By Pissy - 23/5/2019 06:05

Today, I thought my boyfriend wanted to be romantic by pouring a bath, getting in then calling me in. As I get comfortable, he stands up and gets out. At the same time, I notice yellow water. He'd pissed in the tub for a joke. FML

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By JK2010 - 11/1/2010 18:12 - Israel

Today, my crush of over a year came over for me to take her on our first date. Today was also the day my drunk parents decided to dance the chicken dance in our front yard, naked. FML

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By BKCK4187 - 20/12/2011 03:23 - United States

Today, I got aroused by the vanilla scent from an unused trash bag. FML

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By rugs - 6/8/2010 04:40 - United States

Today, while moving, I asked my wife where she put the alcohol. She told me she threw it out, because it was old. It was Scotch. It's supposed to be old. FML

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By Franco - 10/4/2009 14:07 - United States

Today, I was sent to an elementary school for safety day. One of the dads was asking about my job, when I told him about the long hours and high stress involved. He turned to his son and said "Now see why you stay in school?" I'm a paramedic. With a bachelor's degree. FML

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By goodjobme - 23/2/2016 06:53 - United States - Torrance

Today, I was at church with some friends and our counselor, who had recently came back from Taiwan. I was born there and love to visit, so I immediately exclaimed, "How lucky!" A few seconds of awkward silence later, he said, "I was visiting my dad who was just diagnosed with cancer." FML

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By shots shots shots - 12/2/2013 07:41 - United States - Redlands

Today, my needle-phobic mother took me to get a shot. She fainted. FML

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By annonymous - 7/9/2015 20:56 - United States

Today, while at a neighborhood party, my drunk mother told all our neighbors, including a girl I like, about my struggles with a micropenis. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/7/2012 02:11 - Canada - Medicine Hat

Today, I had to very clearly explain to my mother, in public, why you cannot get cancer from eating too much ketchup. FML

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By saywhatnow - 25/11/2009 20:26 - United States

Today, a man stopped me to tell me I was the most beautiful woman he'd seen all day. He promptly followed that up with: "Then again, you are the only woman I've seen today, so, it can only go up from here." FML

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By theatreismylife - 27/4/2009 01:14 - United States

Today, I was sitting next to the guy I like and he was doing homework. Then, he looks up, his eyes meeting mine. His smooth voice mutters my name as his face inches closer to mine. I can feel his minty breath against my face. My pulse is racing. Then, he says "What's a pronoun?" FML

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Top comments

By yourWIFEandKIDS | 0

#1561179 - Sunday 17 October 2010 16:21

YDI because you're a retard.

By MrsxBillxKaulitz | 5

#1561213 - Sunday 17 October 2010 16:25

your dog probably hit the lock button.

Comments

By yourWIFEandKIDS | 0

#1561179 - Sunday 17 October 2010 16:21

YDI because you're a retard.

BlackMoon_fml | 9

#1561203 - Sunday 17 October 2010 16:23

I second that. Bitches be crazy.

peterkaay | 0

#1561251 - Sunday 17 October 2010 16:29

exactly...

adddadancer | 0

#1561254 - Sunday 17 October 2010 16:29

YDI cuz u suck at life

TooAsianMane | 0

#1561314 - Sunday 17 October 2010 16:47

dont lie. your trying to cook the dam thing so you can eat it. shame.

cutiepie31296 | 0

#1561351 - Sunday 17 October 2010 16:56

ur picture scares me :O

tyronnK | 0

#1561396 - Sunday 17 October 2010 17:05

dats Cali, I'm sure u can find sum1 dat can break into ur car in 5 secs of searchin

corndawg | 2

#1561512 - Sunday 17 October 2010 18:01

people be crazy

TookiMyCooki | 0

#1561549 - Sunday 17 October 2010 18:58

*people can be crazy

Britney_0 | 0

#1561562 - Sunday 17 October 2010 19:07

what kind of a retard manages to do that?

syedlink27 | 0

#1561621 - Sunday 17 October 2010 19:48

I want you in class

stephanie0613 | 0

#1564094 - Monday 18 October 2010 8:18

Wow fuck your dogs life :(

AvAfan | 14

#6228489 - Wednesday 11 March 2015 5:18

Have you never locked your keys in the car? Everyone does stupid things sometimes. You don't have to call her a retard

By RyanGaga | 0

#1561181 - Sunday 17 October 2010 16:21

first?

marinus_fml | 19

#1561208 - Sunday 17 October 2010 16:24

No you are not fucking first. Now gtfo.

peterkaay | 0

#1561273 - Sunday 17 October 2010 16:31

I second that... ^^

Schizomaniac | 24

#1561540 - Sunday 17 October 2010 18:54

You forgot biceps brachii, wrist extensors, and triceps.

MyFirstKiss | 0

#1563437 - Monday 18 October 2010 3:10

44-college win

By pengiesully | 0

#1561188 - Sunday 17 October 2010 16:22

fail

By maphineRAWRS | 10

#1561192 - Sunday 17 October 2010 16:23

naww your poor dog haha
getting stuck I the car after it just had surgury. :(

ViiciousDreamz | 0

#1561640 - Sunday 17 October 2010 20:03

Surgery.

By mahimalil | 0

#1561205 - Sunday 17 October 2010 16:23

wow OP you really suck!! Time to break in

By MrsxBillxKaulitz | 5

#1561213 - Sunday 17 October 2010 16:25

your dog probably hit the lock button.

By shaunosullivan11 | 0

#1561217 - Sunday 17 October 2010 16:25

OP is smooth
ydi for being that dumb... how could you possibly do that?

By The_Mitch | 0

#1561219 - Sunday 17 October 2010 16:25

should have trained it to unlock the car.

By FATSQUIRELL69 | 0

#1561224 - Sunday 17 October 2010 16:25

This a failure so badly, that it shouldn't even be on FML, it should be on fail website, like failblog.org

By lol_ironic_life | 9

#1561226 - Sunday 17 October 2010 16:26

Aww sometimes things like that happen OP hope you were able to get back into your car! :)