Miscellaneous: Today, I went to get my first acupuncture. The doctor was a cute...

By Revelyn - United States - Compton

Today, I went to get my first acupuncture. The doctor was a cute Korean woman, so I tried to start a conversation. When she pricked me with a needle near the tailbone, I involuntarily let one loose and saw her gag. FML

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Miscellaneous

Season finale

Late term

You sure it was your birthday?

By ptiluinthesky - France

Today, my neighbor turned down his loud music that he's been playing for months, only to turn on a porn movie at maximum volume. FML

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By please don't get the succ - United States - San Francisco

Today, at my job as a sailing instructor, I had to stop kids from getting their asses sucked by a pool filter. FML

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By Interrupted - United States

Today, while I was making love to my fiancé, his mom walked out of the hotel bathroom and sat in a chair less than two feet away from the bed. She made idle conversation with us for the next 15 minutes. My fiancé was still inside me the entire time. FML

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By WTF - Canada - Calgary

Today, I found out that the girl I've been talking to online and sending certain pictures to is actually my ex's new boyfriend. He ended up telling me he'd just wanted to see how he compared to me down below because my ex refused to go into detail about it. FML

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By ipaid350dollarsfornothing - Qatar

Today, my prom dress finally arrived. My prom was yesterday. FML

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By Lance - United States

Today, my headphones were broken, so I fixed them with super glue. Without thinking, I stuck them in my ear and listened to some music. When it came time to take them out, I couldn't. FML

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By thanks dad - 1/8/2020 02:02

In my day…

Today, we were slowly introducing my daughter to the pool to help her get over her terrible fear of water. My father-in-law scoffed, called us pussies, and tossed my daughter straight into the water. When I threw him out, he insisted he was just trying to teach her to swim "the right way." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was getting a pedicure and the woman sitting next to me asked the lady if she could take the skin she had scraped off my feet home to her birds because they love skin. She then describes for 20 minutes how her birds love to sit on her when her sunburn is peeling and eat her skin. FML

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By Ulysse - United Kingdom

Today, I have my new iPod Touch, and I'm walking down the street. Since it's really cold, I'm wearing gloves. At some point, I want to change the song, and don't want to remove my gloves. I try changing the song with my nose, for about 3 minutes, until I realize I look really stupid. FML

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By ginny - United States

Today, my boyfriend came in my room dressed as Harry Potter and declared that he was going to put his basilisk into my chamber of secrets. And yes, that was my first time. FML

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By oxymorons - United States

Today, I checked the camera I set up to find out who has been stealing my prescription painkillers: my wife, my daughter or my son. Turns out they all are. FML

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By highlycontagious - United States

Today, while walking through the fragrance area in a shopping center a women behind me asked; "Excuse me miss, would you like to sample our new fragrance line." I'm a 19 year old male. I turned around expecting her to correct herself. She didn't. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Sudbury

Today, my phone kept beeping, so I put it on silent and went back to sleep. When I woke up later, I found the guy I went on a date with last night had sent dozens of messages. The first was "Good morning! :)" and the last was "Answer me u fuckin cunt!!!!" I think I'm staying single. FML

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By Anonymous - Lithuania - Prienai

Today, my psycho and now ex-girlfriend accused me of cheating on her with my own mother. FML

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By hahanosirr - United States

Today, after three unsuccessful months of trying to make me orgasm, my boyfriend finally succeeded. It came from his car bumping up and down while we drove down a pot-holed road. FML

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By 1fungi

Today, it's my 26th birthday. My girlfriend gave me a matchbox car, a glow necklace, and a squirt gun. For her birthday, I bought her a new dress, rented a limo, and took her around to bar hop with her friends. FML

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By BobbyMalone - Canada

Today, my mother asked a woman at the clothing store we go to all the time when her baby was due. Turns out the woman isn't pregnant. FML

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By Good Parenting? - United States - Columbia

Today, my mother woke me up by putting a beer on my face. After 15 minutes of her telling me to "just take a sip" and me rejecting it, I finally did just to shut her up. She then yelled at me for giving in to "peer pressure". FML

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By trackgurl - United States

Today, I went to get my blood drawn for the first time. After I explained to the nurse how nervous I was, she replied, "Oh honey, don't worry! This is my first time too!" FML

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By wut - United States

Today, a guy said to me, "I'd really love to see that smile back at my place." Trying to be cute, I asked him if he was single. He replied with, "No, but I am a dentist. I could definitely fix that crossbite." FML

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By its still broken - United States - Jacksonville

Today, my neighbor came over to borrow my lawnmower. As I have previously loaned it to him and he returned it broken, I refused. He then promptly ate the strawberries off my daughter's small strawberry plant and stormed off. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Gladewater

Bad boy

Today, after weeks of looking for the source of an awful smell in our house, I found out our dog has been climbing over our loft banister, into the attic, and shitting. There were over twenty mounds. It took me almost four hours to clean up, and it still stinks. FML

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By stillhungry - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boyfriend called me while I was at work. He sounded very excited and told me he had a surprise for me. He doesn't usually do this kind of thing, so I was excited. When I came home, I found him naked, with "Bone Appetite" written right above his penis. FML

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By TCRII - United States - Springfield

Today, it's the first day of our honeymoon. My bride just informed me that she invited her ex-husband to come, so he can spend time with the kids. He will be here in 4 hours. FML

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By banana12321 - United States - Fresno

Today, I thought I had gotten away with throwing a party while my folks were gone the night before. They came home and I was as sweet as possible. I could tell they were not buying it, but I thought I was in the clear. Later, they told me I had drunk-dialled them and spilled the beans. FML

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By notabadserver - Canada - Toronto

Today, the head chef at work yelled at me for not knowing the difference between two sauces. I couldn't win the argument, even after a coworker admitted to filling both bottles with the same sauce. FML

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By Loser - United States

Today, I learned that I have carpal tunnel syndrome. I got it from playing too much World of Warcraft. I got a disease in real life by living in a virtual world. FML

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By E_Sauce

Today I went to the bank to get a jar of coins exchanged for cash via fancy counter machine. After 30 minutes I was handed a bag of rolling sleeves and was told to do it myself. Good news, I have a lot more money than I thought. Bad news, I have A LOT more coins than I thought. FML

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By Van - United States

Today, I was at work at Hollywood Video. A guy came in and left without renting anything. Minutes later, I find human feces between the "Kids" and "Comedy" aisles. FML

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By Justmyluck

Today, after sex, my boyfriend turned to me and said, “I need to check something down there.” I asked what but he just smiled and showed me the piece of gum he was chewing. He took a look and left to get the scissors. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Maidstone

Today, I woke up to find my face covered in scratches, some of them bleeding. I was rather puzzled, as I don't have a cat. Then I realised that the feathers in my pillow had stuck out and scratched my face. I was attacked by my own pillow. FML

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By hungryman - Canada

Today, my girlfriend's mom pulled me aside and started telling me about how her daughter was extremely depressed and suicidal before she met me, and how happy her family is because of me. I was planning on breaking up with her within the next week. FML

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By Karaoke Queen

Today, I went to a work event and was having my picture taken with a coworker. Since we had done karaoke together, someone said we should pose like we were singing. I held my hand up like I was holding a mic and opened my mouth. It looked like I was performing a sex act. My boss glared at me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it was so cold that I had to put slippers over my slippers. FML

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By ninnang - United States - Honolulu

Today, my boss delivered some flowers and a sympathy card signed by everyone in the office to my cubicle. The card said, "Sorry your mom died". My mom isn't dead. I don't know where they got the idea from and no one believes me. They said that denial is part of grieving. FML

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By KMack - United States

Today, I went to the allergist. I found out that I am allergic to dogs, cats, wool, fleece, and pet dander. I'm currently planning to go to school to become a veterinarian. FML

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By Spooked - United States

Today, I discovered that the demonic voice that made me nearly piss myself all night, was my sister's Furby she stuck in the closet. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while at work, a man came in wearing a very elaborate cowboy ensemble and went to talk to one of my coworkers. Once he left, I asked her how she knew a gay cowboy. She then explained that he's actually a farmer and her husband of ten years. FML

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By Dj sMoZ!

Today, my girlfriend found an enormous rose arrangement in the back seat of my car. The flowers were from my fire chief to his wife. I forgot to deliver them. I now have to replace them since my girlfriend thinks I got them for her. The arrangement cost $225. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/5/2021 06:01 - Germany - Emden

That's rank

Today, I took a piece of toilet paper to blow my nose and had a surprise: someone in our house seems to not have understood how TP works. In this case, the principle that it shouldn't stay on the roll once there is poo on it. FML

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Top comments

By ScratchCatPower | 32

#6620949 - Saturday 4 June 2016 16:04

Well, you couldn't help it. If she's an acupuncture doctor I'm sure she's dealt with it before.

You'll survive.

By Tripartita | 44

#6620963 - Saturday 4 June 2016 16:43

As embarrassing as that sounds, I fear the worst is yet to come; you may have a rare condition called sitcom-itus. You've already exhibited an hilariously awkward foiled romantic attempt, so if you notice any of the following, I'd recommend contacting a doctor (or better screenwriter): problems that seem to solve themselves in half an hour, a diverse cast of archetypal friends, or an omnipresent studio audience.

COMMENTS

By domolovesyoshi | 33

#6620939 - Saturday 4 June 2016 15:47

That's embarrassing I'm sorry this happened

By Liyuesigs | 8

#6620941 - Saturday 4 June 2016 15:51

Well, that's part of the conversation.

By ScratchCatPower | 32

#6620949 - Saturday 4 June 2016 16:04

Well, you couldn't help it. If she's an acupuncture doctor I'm sure she's dealt with it before.

You'll survive.

vikky538 | 28

#6621046 - Saturday 4 June 2016 20:08

The question is whether she could survive with one OP set loose!

ScratchCatPower | 32

#6621783 - Sunday 5 June 2016 19:28

Ha! Good one.

andrmac | 25

#6621804 - Sunday 5 June 2016 19:48

Well it's kinda her fault. She's the one that poked you in the tail bone with an acupuncture needle that caused you to lose control and fart. Maybe she did it intensionally so you'd be embarrassed and stop talking. Never know!

By AlittleSanity | 11

#6620953 - Saturday 4 June 2016 16:19

Well ... that stinks

By Tripartita | 44

#6620963 - Saturday 4 June 2016 16:43

DankNissan | 11

#6621070 - Saturday 4 June 2016 20:29

I am starting to see you on every FML with medical jokes that consistently get less funny.

Seriously, you're trying too hard.

DankNissan | 11

#6621071 - Saturday 4 June 2016 20:29

I am starting to see you on every FML with medical jokes that consistently get less funny.

Seriously, you're trying too hard.

Tripartita | 44

#6621097 - Saturday 4 June 2016 20:52

You're entitled to your opinion, and I'm entitled to wonder why you think I'd give a fuck about it.

katachristic | 19

#6621103 - Saturday 4 June 2016 21:00

#21, what are you talking about, that was hilarious

PePziNL | 20

#6621302 - Sunday 5 June 2016 2:22

Dont mind #21, he has an enormous needle up his ass.

james_logan | 19

#6621377 - Sunday 5 June 2016 4:53

#21, Jealousy can be a cruel mistress...

By marko1596 | 23

#6620964 - Saturday 4 June 2016 16:43

This is so fake lol sorry not buying this shit

By ThatHorse | 15

#6620967 - Saturday 4 June 2016 16:56

Well I guess you punctuated that conversation quite horribly.

By derpyshy | 16

#6620973 - Saturday 4 June 2016 17:12

I tried acupuncture after suffering a fall and messing up my hand. The nerve/muscle spasms kept causing me to unwittingly flip the bird. Thankfully, the acupuncturist thought it as funny as hell.