Today, I went to get my first acupuncture. The doctor was a cute...

By Revelyn - 3/6/2016 22:18 - United States - Compton

Today, I went to get my first acupuncture. The doctor was a cute Korean woman, so I tried to start a conversation. When she pricked me with a needle near the tailbone, I involuntarily let one loose and saw her gag. FML

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Miscellaneous

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Healthy relationship

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By krray - 11/3/2017 22:00

Suspense

Today, I was walking up the stairs with my lunch behind a heavy co-worker. His arms were full, and step by step, as we went up the stairs his pants dropped a little further. By the time we reached the top, his knickers were below his knees and it was a full moon. I prayed he wouldn't fart on my food. FML

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By Yudith - 27/2/2017 12:00 - Canada - Montr?al

Today, I discovered a cold sore in my ear, which I need to treat with a cream. Because of health issues, I already have six different creams and lotions to apply to various parts of my body, including buttcrack and hair. FML

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By Lauren Smith - 17/10/2010 16:52 - United States

Today, I came home from work. I was really tired and told my son that I would make him dinner later. He called the cops saying, "Mommy won't feed me." FML

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By captfml - 15/12/2010 22:32 - United States

Today, I was in the bathroom in a rush to get ready. Without thinking, I put hand soap on my toothbrush. I didn't notice until it was already in my mouth. FML

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By LaundryVictim - 15/6/2016 20:50

Today, I picked up my laundry from the wash-and-fold and proceeded to put everything away. I noticed a hand towel that wasn't mine and made a mental note to return it; turned out they'd given me someone else's boxers as well. My boyfriend doesn't believe me. FML

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By Carolina R-h - 20/6/2019 04:45

Today, after driving 900 miles, the tongue on my trailer broke ten miles away from home. I was stuck on the side of the road for 3 hours. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/7/2012 23:50 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I discovered that my wife actually encourages my three year-old son to sleep in our bed, as a buffer against any romantic advances. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/9/2013 11:26 - United States - North Easton

Today, my sister-in-law pooped with the bathroom door open until my husband had to tell her to close it, then she came out with unwashed hands and started rooting through the cookies. This isn't even the most unhygienic thing she's done today. FML

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By totallymyfaultyeah - 18/7/2017 05:00

Today, it was my 23rd birthday. I didn't make it to my party because I was rear-ended on the way there by a 16-year-old in a red mustang going 50+ mph. My birthday cake landed in my lap and I was yelled at by his mother for getting chocolate icing on their insurance card. FML

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By hahatofunny - 13/9/2016 19:54 - United States - Pensacola

Today, while at the gym, I started flirting with a hot doctor. I thought things were going well so I suggested we work out together sometime and maybe work our way up to dinner together, to which she replied, "Sorry but I've seen tumors bigger than your biceps," and then walked out. FML

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By anonymous - 26/1/2013 08:42 - United States - Fairbanks

Today, while babysitting my neighbors' kids, their oldest son used a paint pen on the carpet. The boy blamed me and I got fired. He's only 3 and can barely talk. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/6/2014 13:47 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I had to stand in line for twenty minutes at the bank, in between two of my ex-boyfriends. FML

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By FML - 4/9/2015 16:27 - United States - Maricopa

Today, I took my boyfriend to a family dinner. It went well, until my dad got drunk and started telling everyone about how "midgets" are assholes and are ruining America. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/5/2015 18:41 - United Kingdom

Today, one of my idiot co-workers thought it'd be hilarious to "fix" my car while I was working. Now every time I step on the brake pedal, the horn goes off. FML

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By HornyWife - 13/6/2020 02:02

Out of order

Today, I'm on my honeymoon. My husband and I cannot consummate our marriage, because his penis has an open wound due to… vigorous masturbation. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/12/2016 19:20 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my grandma got piss drunk off two glasses of wine and kept telling me how I'm "so... ROUND...!" FML

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By L0L59 - 7/9/2018 14:30

Today, I got my braces checked by another orthodontist since I've had them for years and my teeth never got the way they should be. After 8 years and 27 x-ray exams, my orthodontist didn't do much except loosen the root of the tooth to the point where I can move it. FML

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By Happy 20th! - 28/7/2010 05:48 - United States

Today, it's my 20th birthday! Happy birthday to me! My boyfriend threw a beer can through my back wind-shield after breaking up with me. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/8/2020 05:01

Let down

Today, after having spent 2 weeks planning my husband's surprise birthday party with his friends and family, we get in the car on the way to "dinner" and he says, "I really hope it's just the two of us tonight." FML

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By Anonymous - 13/6/2014 09:27 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I had dinner for the first time with my boyfriend's parents. It was awkward enough without his mom asking, "So, what do you do for fun, besides my son?" FML

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By thanks_world - 26/12/2013 06:48 - United States - Everett

Today, nothing said Christmas quite like my dad taking 18 shots of vodka, falling on the Christmas tree while holding our 3-year-old cousin and denying it ever happened when he woke up later. FML

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By Hatty - 14/3/2010 10:50 - United Kingdom

Today, I was sitting on the toilet when I felt something brush my shoulder. I turned around in fright, and one of my bum cheeks slipped off the seat and into the toilet, making me fall sideways and hit my face on the toilet roll holder. I now have a black eye. It was my hair on my shoulder. FML

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By motorboatofdoom - 30/3/2020 05:00

Nice way to go, really

Today, I learned that my girlfriend is terrified of me seeing her sex faces, so she violently squished my face between her boobs during sex. I then had a severe asthma attack because I couldn't breathe properly. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/8/2020 17:01

Like a virgin

Today, at 26, I bought my first vibrator. I've never really masturbated before, because I've always been with a guy. I used it for the first time, and orgasmed in under 3 minutes. I guess this whole time the guys I've been with hadn’t in fact made me cum as much as I thought. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/12/2013 00:05 - New Zealand - Christchurch

Today, my dad thought it would be funny to wake me up by sprinkling catnip over me then dropping my cat on top of me. FML

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By zcollins - 10/9/2013 15:52 - United States - Pleasanton

Today, my mother informed me that we are no longer taking my graduation trip to New York. Instead, she and her group of continuously drunk friends are going to Vegas because, "We could win the jackpot and take you on an even bigger trip to New York!" She's never won anything in her whole life. FML

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By chriss - 14/4/2009 17:09 - United States

Today, my mom scooped the litter box right before I went to work. I brown bagged my lunch this morning. She brown bagged the poop from the litter box. Both were on the counter. Guess which one I brought to work? FML

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By sam - 15/12/2010 20:11 - United States

Today, I got a text just before class that my partner didn't finish their half of our 30 page research paper because "That class is stupid". FML

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By blech - 8/12/2014 23:08 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I witnessed my dad rummage through his nostrils, thoughtfully examine the contents, and flick them nonchalantly onto the carpet. All of this he did with the biggest demented grin on his face. Sadly, this has become a regular occurrence. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/3/2016 08:25 - Australia - Aspley

Today, for my birthday my friend bought me a book on how to lose weight. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/8/2009 18:55 - United States

Today, I accidentally ran my thumb down the cheese grater while preparing lunch beside my wife. I instantly jerked my hand away from the grater just in time run my forearm across the knife she was using. I now have 20 stitches and 5 staples in my arm, no lunch, and a puking wife. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/12/2010 12:19 - Netherlands

Today, I wanted to send a birthday card. I kindly asked my boss for an envelope, and she asked me to pay for it. I've been working for her as an intern for over a year now, without receiving any money for it. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/1/2012 18:09 - Canada

Today, while watching Rio, I got a boner when Blu and Jewel kissed. This is almost as pathetic as getting a boner a few days ago while watching Homer and Marge kiss on The Simpsons. I think I'm way past the point of ever getting laid. FML

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By GuardOtto - 22/7/2010 14:48 - United States

Today, while lifeguarding, I saw someone in the wave-pool who appeared to be drowning. So, I jumped in to attempt to save him. Turns out he wasn't drowning, he only had one arm. He yelled at me. FML

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By Dana - 10/5/2011 08:36 - Netherlands

Today, I finally mustered the courage to tell my crush how I feel. He's a straight-A student and very nice in general. After I finished pouring my heart out, he stared at me for a bit and then said: "Nice rack." FML

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By alwaysxgettingxshitxon - 3/7/2009 00:18 - United States

Today, I was working at the library. Some punks thought it would be funny to shit in a book, close it and return it in the drop box. The fact that it was sitting outside in the ninety degree heat for a couple hours did not help the stench; it was everywhere and I had to clean the mess. FML

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By distracted - 13/7/2015 13:56 - Australia - Pymble

Today, I woke up early and took my medication to help me focus while catching up on lectures. I ended up spending the whole day focused on fixing my drawer for no apparent reason. FML

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By anonymous - 16/9/2013 05:35 - United States - Hillsboro

Today, a lady stormed into the pharmacy I work at and chewed me out because the medicine I sold her the day before gave her horrible diarrhea as a "side effect". I checked, and it was the medicine she asked for - laxatives. FML

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By - 5/1/2020 03:00

Long thought

Today, I was on the toilet and jumped when I saw a face at the window. It was my own reflection. FML

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By deli Shoppe - 27/6/2012 04:39 - United States - Vallejo

Today, I went to the bookstore and saw a stunning girl reading. I walked over and picked up a book, thinking our two books were the same category, hence a good conversation starter. She looked at me, and I pointed at my book and smiled. After that, she left. It was a sex position book. FML

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Top comments

By ScratchCatPower | 32

#6620949 - Saturday 4 June 2016 16:04

Well, you couldn't help it. If she's an acupuncture doctor I'm sure she's dealt with it before.

You'll survive.

By Tripartita | 44

#6620963 - Saturday 4 June 2016 16:43

As embarrassing as that sounds, I fear the worst is yet to come; you may have a rare condition called sitcom-itus. You've already exhibited an hilariously awkward foiled romantic attempt, so if you notice any of the following, I'd recommend contacting a doctor (or better screenwriter): problems that seem to solve themselves in half an hour, a diverse cast of archetypal friends, or an omnipresent studio audience.

COMMENTS

By domolovesyoshi | 33

#6620939 - Saturday 4 June 2016 15:47

That's embarrassing I'm sorry this happened

By Liyuesigs | 8

#6620941 - Saturday 4 June 2016 15:51

Well, that's part of the conversation.

By ScratchCatPower | 32

#6620949 - Saturday 4 June 2016 16:04

Well, you couldn't help it. If she's an acupuncture doctor I'm sure she's dealt with it before.

You'll survive.

vikky538 | 28

#6621046 - Saturday 4 June 2016 20:08

The question is whether she could survive with one OP set loose!

ScratchCatPower | 32

#6621783 - Sunday 5 June 2016 19:28

Ha! Good one.

andrmac | 25

#6621804 - Sunday 5 June 2016 19:48

Well it's kinda her fault. She's the one that poked you in the tail bone with an acupuncture needle that caused you to lose control and fart. Maybe she did it intensionally so you'd be embarrassed and stop talking. Never know!

By AlittleSanity | 11

#6620953 - Saturday 4 June 2016 16:19

Well ... that stinks

By Tripartita | 44

#6620963 - Saturday 4 June 2016 16:43

DankNissan | 11

#6621070 - Saturday 4 June 2016 20:29

I am starting to see you on every FML with medical jokes that consistently get less funny.

Seriously, you're trying too hard.

DankNissan | 11

#6621071 - Saturday 4 June 2016 20:29

I am starting to see you on every FML with medical jokes that consistently get less funny.

Seriously, you're trying too hard.

Tripartita | 44

#6621097 - Saturday 4 June 2016 20:52

You're entitled to your opinion, and I'm entitled to wonder why you think I'd give a fuck about it.

katachristic | 19

#6621103 - Saturday 4 June 2016 21:00

#21, what are you talking about, that was hilarious

PePziNL | 20

#6621302 - Sunday 5 June 2016 2:22

Dont mind #21, he has an enormous needle up his ass.

james_logan | 19

#6621377 - Sunday 5 June 2016 4:53

#21, Jealousy can be a cruel mistress...

By marko1596 | 23

#6620964 - Saturday 4 June 2016 16:43

This is so fake lol sorry not buying this shit

By ThatHorse | 15

#6620967 - Saturday 4 June 2016 16:56

Well I guess you punctuated that conversation quite horribly.

By derpyshy | 16

#6620973 - Saturday 4 June 2016 17:12

I tried acupuncture after suffering a fall and messing up my hand. The nerve/muscle spasms kept causing me to unwittingly flip the bird. Thankfully, the acupuncturist thought it as funny as hell.