Jeep Fail

Today, I was hauling cow shit. I had a car following me very closely, so I turned on the spreader to get them to back off. It was a cop. I got pulled over in a tractor for spraying cow shit on a cop car. FML

Messed up

Insane parents

F*** my overweight life

By farmingman - United States

10920

25273

Today, I was getting a bikini wax to prove to my husband that I could be sexy despite being five months pregnant. As the woman was applying the wax, she said, "You know, if I wanted to, I'm in the perfect spot to reach in and steal that baby." FML

By Anonymous - United States

40618

5277

Today, my fiancé told me, that after 7 years together, he is no longer in love with me. Shocked and appalled, I ask him if he has anything else to add. "Happy Birthday". FML

By Nalya - France

35847

2060

Today, I let my roommate borrow my car to go to the store. Later, I saw a picture on Facebook of my roommate and his buddies with my car saying, "Gone for the weekend!" I work at 8am tomorrow and he won't answer my calls. FML

By TheComedyAudio

5394

848

Today, a tarantula joined my stuffed animal collection in its drawer. It, unfortunately, wasn't stuffed. FML

By MushyKetchup - United States - Amarillo

23123

1972

Today, my mum prepared my bag for football practice. In the changing room I found one of her thongs. FML

By rob - France

30249

4465

Today, I was telling my new boyfriend some of my funny family stories. He gave me the most concerned look and asked honestly, “Have you ever thought about going to therapy?” Apparently the stories I told him not only weren’t funny, but pretty damn scary to him. Now he thinks I’m crazy. FML

By trauma is hilarious - 31/10/2020 17:59 - United States

CPTSD

882

306

Today, my very sheltered girlfriend decided to surprise me by cleaning our apartment. Although she grew up with housekeepers and maids, I thought it was common knowledge that you don’t try cleaning the bathroom with both bleach and ammonia. We still can’t go back inside our place. FML

By blame the maid - 13/9/2020 17:02 - United States

Deadly cocktail

1357

120

Today my parents screamed at me for cutting my wrists. They asked me if i want a therapist. I said idk. Then my mom said "But wait its going to cost a lot of money".. FML

By NeoDepressed - Czech Republic

2122

597

Today, I had a party at my house. I have a nice laptop that I hook up to the stereo, but someone almost spilt beer on it, so I took it downstairs. Later on in the night, I went down to look something up on it. Someone had taken a shit on it. FML

By Anonymous

1840

374

Today, during my friend's group's science project presentation, the teacher yelled at me, "Stop making stupid faces at the presenters!" I was smiling. FML

By mcadabax - Canada

31174

3875

Today, I took my Spanish test, and I felt very confident. I got the test back later, and saw my teacher had written on it: "Congrats on the 94%, but I know you cheated." FML

By Anonymous - United States

52823

7427

Today, our family went to a water park. The park's mascot came up to greet us, and my daughter got scared. She then refused to go inside, so we had no choice but to leave. FML

By Someone - Canada - Windsor

38952

5789

Today, my sister put a piece of leather in my homemade beef jerkey to prove a point. I ate it. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Anchorage

2123

1319

Today, I finally built up the courage to confess my love to the girl of my dreams. She turned me down. When I asked her about all the recent receptive behavior toward me, she replied, "I thought it'd be funny." FML

By HighasaCloud - United States - Elkhart

34761

2521

Today, I had to pretend in front of our director that my manager is a nice person. In reality, she's a soul-sucking bully who has made my life so miserable that twice I was on the brink of nervous breakdown. FML

By impishsamaritan

Toxic Managers

1492

298

Today, while cleaning out my daughter's closet, I found my missing dildo. It's a mold of my husband's penis. FML

By Anonymous

Oh no.

8149

1576

Today, I wore my new Brazilian thong bikini to the pool for the first time. I was lying face down feeling so sexy, until flies started buzzing my butt. FML

By BookBabe - United States - Panorama City

11239

37789

Today, I was driving down a one-way street, when some raging dumbass came screaming the wrong way down the road at me. My instant reaction was to brake and give the guy a chance to do the same. His instant reaction was to keep going and wreck my car. FML

By hello higher premiums, fuckwad - Canada - Montr?al

43910

3050

Today, I got my drivers license suspended until I am 18 for driving without a license. Where was I driving to? My last day of Drivers Ed. The high school where I take Drivers Ed. classes at is across the street from my house. I gave up 3 years of driving to drive 100 feet. FML

By studentdriver828 - United States

28374

104240

Today, I realized how lonely I am when I got excited over receiving my daily weather update from the Weather Channel. FML

By mstar - United States

19551

2813

Today, my friend made a fake account on Facebook, pretending to be a girl, and posted my phone number on a sexting group. I've been getting calls and text messages from horny weirdos all day long. FML

By bullah007 - Pakistan - Lahore

36786

4401

Today, I fell asleep while at the beach with friends. Someone thought it would be funny to put chunks of bread on and around my junk. Seagulls have sharp beaks. FML

By zzfreakshow - United States - San Francisco

44725

5007

Today, I was meeting up with a friend in a town. He said he was at the restaurant we were going to meet at; I was too. Turns out I was in the wrong town. FML

By CloroxDoggo - United States

9311

1991

Today, I found out my fiancée's been cheating on me. Her excuse? Her ADHD made her do it. FML

By Anonymous - United States - New York

44680

3490

Today, I saw a facebook status that said, 'Wedding today. Ugly people belong together.' I'm getting married today. FML

By ugly - United States

41385

3743

Today, my boyfriend admitted to me that the reason he won't have sex with me is because "condoms are too expensive." FML

By Anonymous - United States - Gladewater

56018

6382

Today, I started at my first job. Within the first five minutes of arriving, I was followed around by a white guy who repeatedly sang to me, "Black people love making music" along with a few of his own songs. It resulted in me getting fired for bringing my "boyfriend" to work. I didn't even know him. FML

By sarahijklmnop - United States - Louisville

27012

2004

Today, I lost my glasses. I don't have spares but my girlfriend said I could borrow hers. She doesn't understand why this won't work. FML

By Glassless

4056

464

Today, as I finished putting self tanner on my legs, the phone rang. Telemarketer. After returning to the bathroom I put moisturizer on my face. As I looked in the mirror, I soon realized I'd forgotten to wash my hands. My face is now streaky orange. FML

By Anonymous - Canada

13551

51023

Today, I found out my boyfriend stacks things on me while I sleep. Apparently his record is 4 pillows, a textbook, and the cat. FML

By Anonymous - United States

97748

22897

Today, I babysat for my neighbor's brat kid. The mom gave me $15 for 5 hours. I complained to my mom when I got home because last time I got $15/hour. Turns out my mom had told my neighbor that she thought they'd paid me too much last time. Thanks mom. Thanks. FML

By Thanks a lot - United States - Chestnut Hill

28181

1997

Today, I ran into the living room when I heard the smoke alarm going off. Turns out, my friend thought it was a good idea to melt a plastic cup on my floor heater. He also thought the best way to put it out was to urinate on it. My house smells like burnt pee. FML

By neednewfriends - United States

32265

2922

Today, my French wife chose the name of our unborn baby girl. She wants to call her Fanny and won't change her mind. FML

By noway - France - Cholet

47811

5283

Today, I found out that my entire class, me included, has to rewrite the painfully difficult midterm we wrote last week. All this because the Professor left the exams strewn across her desk. The cleaners thought it was trash and disposed of them. FML

By HM - Germany

42674

3565

Today, Facebook showed me pictures from five years of a happy time I had traveling with a boyfriend, who later ended our 8-year relationship by telling me he had gotten an apartment and furniture in secret, and was moving out. No warning, no reason, no explanation. He never spoke to me again. I loved him. FML

By Anonymous - 19/9/2020 23:03 - Canada

Fucking Facebook memories

1644

107

Today, just as I was putting my contacts in, a gnat landed on it. Its guts got squished between my eyeball and the contact. FML

By Anonymous - United States

27687

1897

Today, I lost 200 dollars while playing poker with my new sunglasses. Turns out you can see the cards in the reflection. FML

By jwz - Netherlands

14399

79941

Today, I asked a girl for her number and I wrote it down when she gave it to me. When I called her, it wasn't her. She'd given me a restaurant's phone number. FML

By Anonymous - 31/12/2020 14:02

Denied

651

259

Today, after surgery on Monday, I can’t do much because of where my scars are until they heal. My husband won’t clean the house at all, dishes are all over my kitchen bar, laundry is all piled up by the washing machine. When I asked for help, he said it’s not his job. FML

By Anonymous - 30/5/2020 23:05

What a charmer

2055

537