Jeep Fail

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend and my best friend making out. She claimed he was just tasting her lipstick. FML

Countdown

Bass, how low can you go?

Mix and match

By leeceetaylor99 - United States - San Antonio

55751

3862

Today, my friends decided that I eat too many snacks. To emphasize this point, they went behind my back and printed 300 pages with my face and the words "NO SNACKS" on them. They were posted in every academic building on campus, including every room I have class in. FML

By face - United States

72028

10650

Today, I was babysitting an eleven year old boy. He decided we should play with nerf guns with velcro tips. I shot him in the crotch accidentally, and the dart stuck on his pants wiggling for about a full minute before his dad walked in to find us both staring at his son's crotch, giggling. FML

By xoVioLoveox - United States

50180

13236

Today, not only can I not get a real boyfriend, I can't even get one on the Sims. FML

By lonely

1391

265

Today, at a candlelit dinner, I accidentally set my dad's leg on fire. FML

By Anonymous - Vietnam - Ho Chi Minh City

29539

4679

Today, I went to the kitchen to grab some cereal. I guess my mum didn't hear me, because as I entered, I heard her ranting to herself about her "God damned fucking cheerios". I started to slowly back out, but I tripped over my own feet. She heard and yelled at me for "sneaking around". FML

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Aberdeen

35961

4174

Today, I ran over a squirrel. I saw it twitching, so I backed over it to end its suffering. It wasn't a squirrel; it was a kitten. The children it belonged to watched as I ran over their kitten. Twice. FML

By Anonymous - United States

94008

243500

Today, my boyfriend asked me to go to a car show. I told him to hold on, I had to ask my mom. I quietly asked her to say no for me. She said "Sure!". FML

By oicwydt - United States

9742

37013

Today, me and some friends had home-made burgers for lunch. The guy who did the cooking later insisted that spitting in a frying pan is a perfectly acceptable way of guessing the right time to add the oil. FML

By HungerStrike - Czech Republic - Hostivice

41090

3551

Today, I went to move my dog that had been napping in the middle of my bed for the last few hours, only to discover that he wasn't napping. He died. FML

By jrad - United States

66688

3538

Today, I found out I was allergic to bees, the hard way, at my wedding. FML

By Husband to be....maybe

4324

216

Today, I just went to the bathroom and someone thought I was a guy. FML

By Lady of Sorrows - United States

23965

3284

Today, I went to Safeway. The security guard wouldn't stop staring at my boobs. When I confronted him about it he told me that they looked fake and he was making sure I didn't stuff my bra with stolen items. FML

By ilovezim29 - United States - Windsor

26791

4854

Today, my parents met my boyfriends parents for the first time. Bailing us out of jail. FML

By DB - United States

16706

61220

Today, I was volunteering at a nursing home. As a volunteer, I'm not supposed to accept any money or gifts from any of the residents. However, one elderly woman kept insisting I take her gold watch. After politely refusing for the fifth time, she decided to chuck it at my face. FML

By ouch - United States

35257

4069

Today, I was in a rush, so I was removing my nail polish while using the toilet. Everything was going fine, until I used the toilet paper in my hand to wipe. It was covered in nail polish remover. It still burns. FML

By anditburnsburnsburns - United States - Midlothian

39218

20690

Today, I stole a bite of my boyfriend's hamburger. He threw a fit, saying I took too big a bite and I had to replace it with a new, more expensive one. Afterwards, he said how lucky I was he didn't break up with me then and there. FML

By Anonymous - Estonia

39453

10394

Today, I would like to thank the program designer that put "Set as home page" directly under "Remove from history". FML

By The_Rest_of_the_Story - United States - Effingham

42009

11358

Today, I went on a picnic with my boyfriend's family. I thought it would be nice to wear my sundress and cowgirl boots. The wind repeatedly picked up my dress in front of everyone, including my boyfriend's seedy grandpa, who I have to admit can do a pretty good wolf-whistle. FML

By EyeSeeYou - United States - Houston

24873

6905

Today, my granny died. My aunt wants to throw away all her books and furniture. When I offered to take care of selling it, or giving it away, like granny would have wanted, my aunt said she would let me "keep a percentage" of the few bucks I’d get for my troubles. FML

By Anonymous - 22/8/2020 20:04

Generosity

1388

109

Today, I told my fiancé he needed to spend at least one night a week at home with his daughter or we will pack up and leave. He responded by getting a suitcase. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Boston

#1 Dad!

1780

315

Today, an old lady hit me with her car. After which she says, "Oh! Not Again!" FML

By roadkill - United States

34184

2817

Today, my mom smoked pot in my sister's bedroom while I was at school. When I noticed the stench, she blamed the cat. FML

By Mellamononeyobiz - United States - Hooper

21057

1614

Today, a friend posted a photo on Facebook of a meal with all of our other friends. The same meal they'd told me just yesterday had been cancelled. FML

By Lonely, I am so lonely - United Kingdom - Sheffield

13974

878

Today, I took my kids to the mall to see Santa. While waiting in line, my eldest got bored and loudly complained, "I don't know why we're here. Santa's not even real." I don't think any of the kids within a hundred feet took the news very well. FML

By santashelper - United States

32812

4722

Today, I sent my boyfriend to the store to get groceries while I was at work. Instead of what I listed, he came back with hot pockets, ice cream and beer. I'm lactose intolerant and pregnant. FML

By lamortdeshommes - United States

42840

8288

Today, I rushed to the post office to mail an important document for the study abroad program that I'd applied for, which was due in a few days. Just as the envelope slipped out of my hand and into the mail box, I caught a glimpse of the upper right corner where there was supposed to be a stamp. FML

By nostamp - United States

18266

39156

Today, I bought my mother an apple pie. She made a face at it and said that she'd decided to go on a diet. After I'd left the house, she put it in the oven, forgot about it, and burnt it to a crisp. She then called me up to inform me that I'd wasted my money, and to get her "another damn pie." FML

By 3.14 - United Kingdom

27070

2069

Today, my boyfriend and I were cuddling on the couch. He held a Kool Fruit in his teeth, and motioned for me to kiss him, so he could put it in my mouth. Just as he was about to do this, I inhaled. He then had to watch me dry retching, trying to get it back up. FML

By BlueBirdWings - Canada

20706

6765

Today, I took my friend to the E.R. for an eye infection. While waiting, I proclaimed, "Why, Jesus?!" jokingly. Well, the gigantic biker sitting next to me, who had found religion in prison and is a born again Christian, was not pleased. He spent the next four hours trying to convert me. FML

By mrb72 - United States

27468

19120

Today, my psycho landlord threatened to take me to court if I don't pay my rent on time this month. I'd totally understand if he weren't my father-in-law, and if the reason I didn't pay on time before was because of hospital fees I'd incurred for an emergency appendectomy. FML

By Anonymous - United States - El Cajon

24513

2548

Today, my very financially stable grandparents bought my girlfriend and I two first class tickets on Air Emirates, which to me is a once in a lifetime opportunity. To my dismay, my colon did not approve of the peanuts and I spent the whole flight shitting out what seemed to be molten rocks. FML

By PoopyNuts - 18/9/2020 23:01

In for the long haul

1230

160

Today, my boyfriend gave his penis a high five for not getting me pregnant. He does this every time I get my period. Every. Single. Time. FML

By highfive - United States - Dedham

43284

7089

Today, my boyfriend decided to show off one of his favorite skills: Peeing on my ceiling. FML

By TooShortToCleanThat - United States

31368

3739

Today, my landlord sent me a text asking me to please keep it down because our loud Wednesday night sex sessions are disturbing other tenants in the building. Wednesday is my night shift every week so my wife is home alone, or at least I thought she was. FML

By Anonymous

6164

258

Today, I and a coworker got bitched out and suspended by our boss after our computers got infected with a weird porn virus. It soon turned out the virus had come from our boss' infected memory stick. Did he apologize? No. Is our suspension still in force? Yes. FML

By shatfjord - United States - Rochester

42534

2967

Today, I did the math and discovered that every year, I pay the equivalent cost of a luxury car to a college that can't even keep rats out of the dorms. FML

By Dashofweak - United States - Mount Vernon

14839

Phew, glad it wasn't me

1549

Today, I took my daughter out driving to practice for her road test. I told her to make a left into a parking lot. She missed the 30 foot wide entrance, but not the two foot wide tree. FML

By Crash - United States - Hicksville

40754

4028

Today, I was fired from my job. Why? Because my boss has been dating my newly divorced mother, and he didn't want family get-togethers to be "awkward." FML

By Anonymous - United States

31064

1912

Today, thanks to all my medications, I've been growing thick, dark hair on my face. I decided to use hair removal cream instead of shaving. The cream removed every trace of hair, but also made my skin about 4 times lighter than the rest of my face. It's even more noticeable than the beard. FML

By bearded lady - 8/6/2020 14:03

Can't face it

1384

226