Jeep Fail

Today, I decided to have some bagels. It was only after I ate them that I looked at the cream cheese and discovered that it expired 3 years ago. FML

Understandable

Out of it

Time for the ER

By Anonymous - 6/5/2020 23:00

Yummy

469

1766

Today, the only person to wish me a happy birthday was a survey website. I took their stupid survey out of appreciation. FML

By Anonymous - 2/4/2012 02:33 - United States

24296

2304

Today, working at a fast food restaurant, I was cleaning dishes in the back. I started to sing to myself. During the chorus I heard the echo of my voice in my ear. My boss had pushed the talk button on my headset so every staff member and everyone in the lobby could hear me over the intercom. FML

By legit247 - 10/5/2013 04:44 - United States - Moscow Mills

47642

9404

Today, my little sister tripped when trying to walk up the stairs with a sandwich in one hand and my laptop in the other. She choose to save her sandwich instead of my £500 laptop. FML

By Laptop - 25/5/2010 04:44 - France

31625

3710

Today, I had breakfast at a hotel in Jamaica. The bill came to $1087 Jamaican Dollars, which is roughly $8.30 USD. When they swiped my Visa card, the hotel accidentally charged me $1087 USD. That's the most expensive omelet I've had in my life. FML

By Anonymous - 2/7/2019 12:07

2054

144

Today, I was on my way home on an airplane. The guy I had to sit next to was reading a book with naked girls in it. About 15 minutes into the flight, he had an erection and started to giggle. It was a 2 hour flight. FML

By - 18/1/2020 18:00

Strange flight

3045

248

Today, my boyfriend got pulled over and arrested for driving with a suspended license. Instead of getting my car impounded, his friend thought he'd do me a favor and drive it back to me. He doesn't know how to drive stick and blew my engine. My boyfriend is in jail and I no longer have a car. FML

By takingthebus - 16/9/2009 06:12 - United States

42124

6506

Today, I was babysitting, and we were playing a game. Because he was little, I let him win all the games. He then turned to me and said, "You're really bad at this." I got very defensive and won the next game, and was actually proud that I beat a 3-year-old. FML

By amiliaroberts123 - 15/10/2012 00:45 - United States - Raphine

21242

8873

Today, I was at a fire roasting marshmallows. When mine caught on fire, I pulled it back so I could blow out the flames. It flew off the stick, and, still flaming, landed on my face. FML

By crayons128 - 24/1/2011 06:13 - United States

31937

6569

Today, I met my boyfriend's brother. When he saw me, he whispered into my boyfriend's ear, "So, this is your bitch eh? Nice!" FML

By PLU - 27/1/2011 00:57 - Canada

32823

5680

Today, I went to work early and saw my crush's car in the parking lot, so I parked next to her. After that, I looked over at her car to see her staring at me with a weird look and her saying, "Really?" Then she gestured around the lot; I looked around to find it completely empty. FML

By Asshole Parker - 6/9/2016 11:01 - United States

13252

7382

Today, I got my annual blood test. The nurse was inexperienced and it took her several tries to insert the needle properly. When I get back home, my fiancé starts yelling at me and storms out. The reason? I am a recovering drug addict and my arm appeared as if I had been shooting up. FML

By lydiacoolness - 8/8/2009 02:27 - New Zealand

53414

6461

Today, a girl I like came over to my house because I'd promised to help her prepare for a math test. My mom thought it would be funny to put a stack of porn magazines and handcuffs on the table in my room when I went to open the door. FML

By crazy_mom - 1/11/2010 15:10 - United States

38473

4323

Today, at lunch, a fly was buzzing around my food. I managed to kill the fly in my napkin in midair. I continued my lunch, pleased with my amazing ninja skills. When I was done with my lunch, I wiped my mouth with the napkin. I can still taste bug guts. Karma. FML

By munckncruncj15 - 22/10/2009 04:19 - United States

12187

36763

Today, I walked in on my son's new habit. Sticking his finger up his ass, farting on it, and smelling it. Apparently, the scent is the purest then. FML

By notsoproudfather - 1/2/2016 15:54 - India - Pune

23899

2288

Today, I discovered that Paolo has a big penis, that he's good in bed and that the hotel sheets still remember it all. Mum, the walls won't get any thicker just 'cause you're on the telephone. FML

By Anonymous - 20/1/2009 05:42 - France

28059

2123

Today, I went on a blind date with a friend of a friend. It went okay, so we exchanged numbers. An hour later, he started messaging me, asking for pictures of my poop. What.. the... hell? FML

By Anonymous - 25/8/2015 18:31 - United States - Springfield

26710

1866

Today, our office had a mock audit before the real thing. I got warning note for not maintaining proper databases for last year's activities. I only joined a few months ago. FML

By stuckass - 5/4/2016 09:02 - Pakistan

20862

1492

Today, my boyfriend convinced me to skip school with him. His mom came home early. I had to hide in his closet and wait 6 hours for her to go to her book club meeting. FML

By madgf - 30/1/2010 20:55 - France

12335

38322

Today, I found out that both of my cats are afraid of mice. So far I've seen them run and hide from 3 different mice who've recently invaded my apartment. FML

By "Brain_fart" - 18/9/2017 05:00 - United States - Salt Lake City

3116

335

Today, my sister walked into my room, saying her boyfriend "forgot something." She then reached under my bed and pulled out a pair of boxers and a condom wrapper. Her response to my disgust was, "My bed was dirty." FML

By useyourownbed - 18/9/2012 20:06 - United States - Byron

35705

2468

Today, I checked facebook, only to find out that my close cousin is now married. When I looked at the pictures, I saw that my whole family was there - including my sister, mother and father. I was the only one who wasn't invited. FML

By Oh_baby - 10/6/2009 17:35 - United States

69915

4411

Today, I realized the reason my 20-year-old daughter has been so moody and aggressive is because she missed the promotional My Little Pony toys at McDonald's. FML

By Anonymous - 8/4/2012 18:55 - United States - Perris

26817

5175

Today, I went to the doctor because I broke my wrist. My mom told the nurse that I broke it while masturbating. FML

By Nik - 23/1/2009 15:41 - United States

31840

4374

Today, my husband finally got round to cutting down a tree limb in our front yard after months of me begging him. It fell on me. FML

By Anonymous - 10/7/2011 23:51 - United States

27233

15754

Today, my in-laws were visiting. My mother-in-law asked my 10-year-old son what he wants to be when he grows up. He said "A pimp!" I have no idea where he even heard the word, but the death glares my in-laws gave me made me want to shrivel up and die. FML

By Anonymous - 22/1/2015 18:27 - United States - Katy

31134

3163

Today, my parents told me they're getting a divorce. However, they asked me not to tell any of the family so that the news doesn't spoil Christmas. Thanks, Mom and Dad. FML

By parentalfail - 25/12/2009 18:19 - United States

33200

2242

Today, I went to the mall and had to parallel park. It took me 10 to 12 minutes of maneuvering before I got into the slot. When I turned off the car and got out, there were 8 people laughing hysterically and clapping for me. FML

By greek_dancer - 13/7/2009 05:14 - United States

25731

46316

Today, my car ran out of gas. I was 20 feet away from the gas pump and the only person I could ask for help was the attendant, who'd asked me out a week ago. I'd said no, and so did he. FML

By stranded - 19/5/2011 11:46 - United States

34745

15915

Today, I got a package in the mail from my girlfriend. I was really excited until I realized that it was just a box full things that I gave to her. FML

By steakysteak - 12/3/2010 15:06 - United States

30076

2424

Today, I was making sweet potato chips using my new slicer. I didn't mean to make a pinky finger chip as well. FML

By dancincherrychic - 25/10/2015 19:00 - United States - San Francisco

23841

3476

Today, I discovered that my acne glows yellow and orange under black lights while in front of a wall of them at a club. FML

By Anonymous - 16/5/2012 04:43 - Canada - Toronto

26307

2686

Today, I was checking out a customer who seemed quite friendly. As I finished, he reached slightly over the counter and I impulsively reached out and shook his hand. He gave me a dumbfounded look and said, "Can I have my change please?" FML

By charishard - 4/5/2013 05:17 - United States - San Marcos

27280

35005

Today, my boyfriend freaked out at me because he found a couple of orange hairs in my bed and he knows my ex is a redhead. He also knows I have two orange cats. FML

By innocent cat lady - 7/7/2015 18:19 - United States

28078

2441

Today, I finally got to come home after hours spent in a locked down ER after a car accident. My injuries were non life-threatening, but pretty damn painful. I asked my sister to pick up my pain meds from the pharmacy for me. She got drunk and "lost them", AKA gave them to her dirtbag boyfriend. FML

By I don’t stink - 1/5/2020 20:00

No pain, no meds

1822

223

Today, I worked from 8 to 7 without a break and I'm still not done with my assignment. Meanwhile, my co-worker crafted a piece of paper looking like a watermelon slice and posted a picture of herself seemingly taking a bite out of it. FML

By ihatemyjob - 15/8/2016 19:12

13478

1010

Today, I learned that chivalry truly is dead when a seemingly fit man pushed me into a door to get a seat on the train before me. My leg is in a cast. FML

By Username - 9/5/2011 07:38

39739

3377

Today, a girl was making fun of me for being a virgin and, "never seeing a nipple". I have three. FML

By uhoh.. - 22/3/2015 19:51 - Canada - Nanaimo

29301

2987

Today, I ran over a newspaper with the lawnmower, instantly volunteering myself to pick up confetti for hours. FML

By rofld - 14/7/2010 16:47 - United States

17804

27955

Today, I bought my girlfriend a very expensive necklace. I gave it to her thinking she'd be extremely happy. Instead she was mad at me because my gift for our anniversary was better than hers. FML

By Nickolas Neffster - 5/10/2011 00:14 - United States

33961

3086