Today, I went out and made build-a-bears that looked like my... - FML

By ScaryBears - 9/10/2012 01:51 - United States - Trumbull

Today, I went out and made build-a-bears that looked like my daughter and her new boyfriend. It turns out she had been insisting that I didn't for a good reason; upon sight of his, her boyfriend screamed and fled the house. Turns out he was nearly mauled to death by a bear. FML

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KoBabe

Incognito browsing

My body, my choice

By reb2632 - 29/5/2009 20:13 - United States

Today, I picked up my 4-year-old daughter from day care. As we're driving home, a butterfly lands on the windshield. Just as my daughter comments on how pretty the butterfly is, I turned a corner and accidentally hit the windshield wipers and smeared the pretty butterfly across the windshield. FML

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By abi_vet_student - 13/2/2009 12:42 - United Kingdom

Today, it was my first day working at a milking parlor. As I crouched behind a cow to put on an udder cluster, I looked up and gasped just in time for the cow to crap on my face. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/6/2009 04:09 - United States

Today, my friend sent me a bumper sticker that said, "Do you know that gullible said slowly sounds like 'green bears'?" I spent quite a few minutes trying to get gullible to sound like green bears until I realized that it didn't. FML

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By mairelys - 26/1/2010 06:56 - Canada

Today, I tried talking to my boyfriend about our sex life. I was trying to express that I feel like we don't do it enough, but he wasn't very responsive. I ended up saying, "I wish you had a bigger sex drive" to which he answered, "I wish you had bigger boobs." FML

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By cannotexplain - 4/10/2016 14:43 - Australia

Today my boyfriend and I broke up. It was a mutual decision but I was curious as to what he thought went wrong. "I was just never sure if you brushed your teeth regularly." He cheated on me twice. FML

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By anon - 31/1/2011 22:46 - United States

Today, my girlfriend finally got a Facebook account. Too bad she doesn't know the difference between a wall post and a message. She just described how much she enjoyed our sex last night, in great detail. My mom liked it. FML

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By mytoehurts - 26/6/2015 13:09 - Canada - Ayr

Today, I was at my lifeguarding exam. Everything was going well until I went to 'save' someone and slipped and bellyflopped into the pool. I broke my toe, and the person I was supposed to save ended up saving me instead. FML

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By chipmunk - 29/10/2009 05:20 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of seven years dumped me because he said my cheeks getting way too fat for his taste and he didn't want to be with a chipmunk. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/10/2019 22:00

How nice of them.

Today, I learned what my office nickname means. My nickname? Butterface. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/8/2010 02:21 - United States

Today, while at work at a new job, my brother comes and takes my car. Along with all my money, my phone, and whatever else I had in my purse. His message to me through one of my co-workers was "walk home." FML

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By sucksatlove - 25/7/2013 23:20 - United States - Sewell

Today, I finally worked up the courage to start a Facebook chat with a guy I really like. It went so well, and he even agreed to hang out sometime. Seconds after we finished our conversation, he changed his status to: "Desperate bitches really piss me off." FML

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By thestudent - 18/2/2011 09:30 - Philippines

Today, my math teacher brought his laptop to tally up all our scores for our report card. He then displayed the results on a big screen in front of the whole class. The ones who failed were marked yellow. I was the only one marked yellow. FML

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By RachelDC - 3/7/2009 19:06 - United States

Today, I noticed a string was following behind our family cat. After close inspection I realized it was a plastic kite string he partially digested. I had to pull the other three feet of plastic kite tail from his rectum. He purred the entire time. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/5/2018 19:00

Today, I came out to my therapist as gay. Claiming that my parents "can't be that homophobic", my therapist outed me to them. They kicked me out of the house. FML

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By paul - 2/2/2010 11:25 - France

Today, I had a big meeting. Half way through my presentation, I sneezed, and continued talking. I get some weird looks from my co-worker but I didn't understand what he meant. When I finished, I passed by my boss walking to my chair, he gave me a handkerchief. Why? Snot was all over my tie. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/9/2020 16:01 - United Kingdom

Can't catch a break

Today, I’ve been working 4 months to cover people isolating, so I was finally looking forward to a Saturday of fishing, a date night then a lazy Sunday watching TV. Only my wife who, as soon as she heard I had a whole weekend free, handed me a list of vital house jobs that need doing, “NOW NOW NOW.” FML

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By Anonymous - 8/7/2015 20:50 - United States - Saddle River

Today, instead of canceling for the third consecutive time due to work-related reasons, my boyfriend sent his twin brother on our date. They both thought I wouldn't notice. FML

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By Username - 8/7/2011 13:24 - United States

Today, I went to an amateur baseball game with some family and friends. When our team hit a home run, my grandpa took it upon himself to start screaming wildly, removing his prosthetic leg and waving it jubilantly in the air. FML

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By ThatHurts - 14/11/2011 00:11 - Canada

Today, I have two black eyes. The first one I got from the girl whose ass I mistakenly grabbed at a party last night. The other one I got from my girlfriend when I explained the first one. FML

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By Howimetmybrother - 5/12/2017 06:00

Today, to repay my brother who's been hosting me, I took his laundry out to wash. Loading the machine, I gave a tug on the corner of a towel and the biggest dildo I've ever seen flew out of the basket and bounced to a stop in the middle of the floor. Every. One. Saw. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/10/2009 11:29 - Canada

Today, I found out that, because i'm a student, the employees I train make more than me. FML

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By ragingwaffles - 13/8/2014 04:25 - United States - Chico

Today, my blind date thought the best way to start off is to show up blind drunk. She ended up puking on the table and leaving me to pay. FML

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By Customer Stonage Representative - 21/10/2011 12:10 - Canada

Today, still suffering from an eye infection, I received a customer complaint. Having red eyes, asking how a patron's day went, and thanking them as they left my register obviously means that I must be stoned out of my mind. Apparently I've moved to a city where you must be on drugs if you're nice. FML

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By HSPARKS - 12/5/2020 05:00

Big baby man

Today, I woke up to my apartment in a state of total disarray. I've been asking my boyfriend to get either get a job, or clean the house. I just had a bunch of dental work taken care of. He doesn't have a job, and doesn't want to find one. I'm tired of trying to raise an already grown man. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/3/2012 11:50 - United States

Today, my girlfriend compared my penis to a snake. Not because of the size or shape, but because a snake is not something she imagines herself ever touching. FML

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By Jer - 15/7/2013 23:36 - United States - Louisville

Today, I knocked over a display case at a mall, shattering hundreds of dollars in goods. Embarrassed, I tried to scurry out of the nearest door without being seen. I scuttled right into the janitor's closet, the door automatically locking behind me. I waited for an hour to be let out. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/2/2017 14:00 - United States

Conspiracy.

Today, immediately after placing my order and paying for my meal, the Chinese takeout place lost all power. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/2/2011 14:51 - Ireland

Today, I gave a safe sex speech to teens at my local high school. This was just ten minutes after my girlfriend had texted me, telling me she's pregnant. FML

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By tripleBBB - 9/9/2018 01:30

Today, I was in the shower when I realised that maybe I'm getting a little too fat. I was scrubbing the old belly when a dollar flew out onto the floor. I'm 23. FML

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By Archie - 7/1/2010 08:31 - United States

Today, my friends decided it would be funny to engage the child locks on the rear doors of my SUV. My SUV has a bolted cage for the dog separating the front from the back. Guess who was locked in their own car for 2 hours? FML

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By Anonymous - 28/11/2019 01:00

Loser

Today, the dog my now ex-boyfriend and I own together bit me bad enough that I needed stitches on my face and my hand... he then broke up with me and saying it was all too much for him and has kept the dog... FML

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By 12incher - 15/3/2009 04:45 - United States

Today, I was sitting in math class when I glanced over to the other side of the room and the hottest girl in the school is over there. I could see her thong so I instantly got a boner. About a minute later my teacher calls me up to the board to do a problem. I wore basketball shorts that day. FML

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By Kay - 23/2/2010 20:36 - United Kingdom

Today, I was looking down at my chest and noticed the hairs growing upon it. For a 16 year old, it's pretty impressive. It's a shame that I'm a girl though. FML

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By Obviously works everywhere - 20/9/2017 23:15

The customer is always a dong

Today, a customer filed a formal complaint with corporate about me, because I wouldn't help her find things she wanted while I was off the clock. We were in a completely different store than the one where I actually work. FML

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By 90 up I-95 - 7/7/2017 20:00 - United States - State College

Today, I was wrapping up my move in a 16-foot truck with my car in tow. Google rerouted me to avoid traffic... through a state park. The road had only one lane. I can still hear the phalanx of cars honking at me. FML

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By dan - 25/6/2013 04:22 - United States - Phoenix

Today, after going out to dinner with my girlfriend, we went back to my place and things started getting hot. I went in the bathroom and put on a green condom. She wouldn't have sex with me because it looked "like a cucumber" and "cucumbers are nasty." FML

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By why?? - 24/5/2016 13:29 - United States

Today, I think I've finally gotten past the food poisoning that caused me to puke so violently that I pulled muscles in my abdomen and chest. Unfortunately, some of that vomit hung around long enough to give me a sinus infection. FML

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By manutdlol - 13/12/2009 06:15 - Malaysia

Today, I found out that my girlfriend has more armpit hair than me. FML

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By hannah - 17/2/2011 05:58 - United Kingdom

Today, my friend finally convinced me that if I picked up her cat it wouldn't scratch my eyes out. It peed on me instead. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/6/2013 14:57 - United States

Today, I've come to the conclusion that my phone addiction is getting out of control after I typed my PIN code into the microwave. FML

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Top comments

By kyleekay | 25

#5022169 - Tuesday 9 October 2012 8:54

Why would you continue with a gift idea when someone is telling you not to?

Granted, you could not have known the bear mauling bit. However, you seem like one of those annoying gift givers that buy things according to what YOU think a person should have.

By nothing92x | 13

#5022185 - Tuesday 9 October 2012 8:56

I'm guessing OP couldn't bear the thought of not making the Teddy for both of them.

COMMENTS

By Valefor197 | 5

#5022162 - Tuesday 9 October 2012 8:52

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

sirsquab | 12

#5022205 - Tuesday 9 October 2012 8:59

She couldn't have known that he was mauled by a bear. However, she COULD have known that getting a build-a-bear for someone when you're specifically told NOT to, us in fact a bad idea.

Also, I'd also like to know who "she" is.

Reply

TahoeFMler | 22

#5023318 - Tuesday 9 October 2012 17:32

True, however, her daughter told her not to do it.

Reply

walmartpaysme | 15

#5023403 - Tuesday 9 October 2012 18:22

It seems you and OP have something in common, #1. Neither one of you paid any attention to what her daughter said.

Reply

lovelyheadache | 16

#5025218 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 6:36

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

walmartpaysme | 15

#5025281 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 7:17

100, if someone doesn't want something why would you spend money on them? You may as well flush a wad of cash down the toilet. When it comes to gifts the receiver always has a say no matter their relationship to the giver. OP's daughter said no. That should have been enough for OP.

Reply

Roevera | 14

#5029862 - Thursday 11 October 2012 6:50

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

subiedude08 | 17

#5563475 - Wednesday 3 July 2013 9:12

Wtf

Reply

Rallred32 | 20

#5829383 - Friday 17 January 2014 0:14

OP YDI for being stubborn

By Nekogami | 14

#5022163 - Tuesday 9 October 2012 8:52

Er. Who's "her" ? Lol

Reply

kyleekay | 25

#5022194 - Tuesday 9 October 2012 8:57

I was wondering that as well! Hopefully the mods fix it soon.

Sirin, where art thou?!

Reply

herpderpherpderp | 13

#5022218 - Tuesday 9 October 2012 9:00

probably referring to OP's best friend or enemy, because OP knew about thing wit her enemy's boyfriend!
but 'her' is probably a close friend.

By kyleekay | 25

#5022169 - Tuesday 9 October 2012 8:54

Why would you continue with a gift idea when someone is telling you not to?

Granted, you could not have known the bear mauling bit. However, you seem like one of those annoying gift givers that buy things according to what YOU think a person should have.

Reply

ICastillo | 24

#5023396 - Tuesday 9 October 2012 18:14

This guy would be terrified of Ted.

Reply

SMD_emilyy | 1

#5025201 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 6:23

That still seems like a really bizarre gift to give her "new" bf. ydi

By sierra142 | 19

#5022173 - Tuesday 9 October 2012 8:55

When specifically told not to do something, why go ahead and do it? I really struggled to make sense of this FML.

Reply

foshizzle82 | 7

#5022201 - Tuesday 9 October 2012 8:58

Same here. Don't know how it got past the moderators.

By ninjadinos | 14

#5022179 - Tuesday 9 October 2012 8:56

...this makes little sense.

By nancyschmancy | 9

#5022181 - Tuesday 9 October 2012 8:56

This is a very weak FML

By inky_bb | 1

#5022183 - Tuesday 9 October 2012 8:56

Are we meant to know who 'her' is?!

By nothing92x | 13

#5022185 - Tuesday 9 October 2012 8:56

I'm guessing OP couldn't bear the thought of not making the Teddy for both of them.

Reply

Lalo16 | 6

#5025389 - Wednesday 10 October 2012 8:44

Sorry but I couldn't help but notice Dudley as your profile pic. He was always my favorite character from SF 3rd Strike :3

By chels2AM1R | 9

#5022196 - Tuesday 9 October 2012 8:58

Am I the only one confused by this FML?

By sofiq | 3

#5022198 - Tuesday 9 October 2012 8:58

Who?? What? I am so confused! I read this like 3 times and still didn't make any sense! =O