Today, I got stuck for a while in a hallway between two security...

By replik - 25/1/2012 15:50 - Russian Federation

Today, I got stuck for a while in a hallway between two security doors due to a malfunction. I'm not claustrophobic, but I sure am sensitive to horrifying smells coming from a nearby bathroom stall. FML

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Work

The best cat

Yappy neighborhood

Tidy your room

By catslave - 17/9/2016 08:43 - New Zealand

Today, my cat wanted to go out. She watched me open the front door, leave it open while I got something from the car then come back inside. She then insisted on going out the back door. I'm a slave to a cat. FML

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By DisgustinglyFrustrated - 10/10/2013 15:40 - Argentina - Rosario

Today, I was talking dirty to my long-distance lover while touching myself, when a cockroach fell from my ceiling and landed on the hand I was molesting myself with. FML

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By newly passed, newly grassed - 6/12/2014 17:04 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, while driving home, I swerved to avoid turning a duck and her babies into roadkill. Another car was coming around a sharp bend at the time and swerved to avoid hitting me. In the end, we both ran our cars off the road, and he took out several ducks in the process. FML

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By Greg - 16/12/2018 13:30

Today, I arrived to apply for my much-needed dream job. Without warning, just as the elevator opened, a complete stranger kicked me square in the nads. FML

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By fuck wannabe knowitalls - 3/6/2013 23:13 - United States

Today, I received a death threat from some nutball accusing me of being part of some big government conspiracy called "Haarp." According to this psycho, I'm responsible for causing the recent tornadoes in Oklahoma. I'm just a small-time weatherman. FML

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By Username - 18/2/2011 05:19

Today, I came home to a lease violation and a $220 fine after a routine pest control visit. The violation: my single beta fish in a small bowl. FML

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By crapped on - 16/6/2011 06:25 - United States

Today, my family went on vacation. I had to stay home to take care of everyone's animals. I called my mom, she said she was too busy to talk to me. My sister asked who was on the phone, she replied "the dog sitter." FML

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By pyrosythan - 20/7/2009 05:40 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend's dad chased me with a baseball bat because he found a pair of my boxers in her room. They were not there because I left them there, they were there because she stole them. FML

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By gordy1220 - 13/2/2010 18:39 - United Kingdom

Today, I got back from my daughter's flat in Scotland. I got a flight there yesterday morning to surprise her on her 21st birthday. Nobody told her I was coming. When I got there, it turned out she decided to get a plane to London to surprise me. £200 on flights, and I didn't even get to see her. FML

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By buttercup92 - 31/5/2016 03:45 - United States - San Antonio

Today, while hiking, I walked face first into a spider web. Freaking out, I shook my hair out in case there was a spider. Later on in the day the spider fell from my hair into my food. FML

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By scared shitless - 10/12/2013 09:50 - United States - San Francisco

Today, at my job as a night janitor, at which I work alone, I saw an old man enter a bathroom. When I went to investigate, it was completely empty. I'm now scared to work. FML

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By Justwantedathankyou - 18/8/2017 06:00 - United States - Loudon

Today, I noticed that an SUV forgot to put their gas cap back on, so I tried honking and flashing my lights to get their attention. They slammed on their brakes, causing me to rear-end them. So much for good karma. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/2/2012 03:00 - Canada

Today, I had to leave the movie theater early because I couldn't fit in the chairs. I guess I'll see it when it comes out on DVD. FML

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By angry girlfriend - 22/5/2012 14:32 - Canada - Montreal

Today, I found out via Facebook status that my boyfriend is going to Hawaii with a group of friends, including his ex-girlfriend for a few weeks. When I confronted him about it, he said he didn't think I needed to know, and to mind my own business. I think I'm about to be single. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/2/2013 17:17 - United States - Durham

Today, my girlfriend lost her virginity. I still have mine, though. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/6/2011 19:21 - United States

Today, my dad told me he has money set aside for when he has to bail me out of jail because "it's bound to happen sooner or later." FML

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By anonymous - 8/12/2011 10:37 - United States

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. As soon as I began to climax, he started repeatedly asking, "Are you done? Are you done yet? Are you done?" Well, NOW I am. Thanks, honey. FML

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By slickboy0023 - 16/3/2010 15:30 - United States

Today, I learned that in Japan there are monkeys that wait tables and work at a tavern. Literally, I have a job a monkey can do. FML

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By quickfingers100 - 22/7/2011 13:38 - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend put a paper bag over my head while we had sex. Her reason? Because she thinks she is so good in bed she was worried I'd hyperventilate due to all the excitement. Instead I fainted due to lack of oxygen after three minutes. FML

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By John - 30/6/2012 05:08 - United States - Watertown

Today, I was fired for using violence and intimidation in the work place. I was a bouncer at a strip club. FML

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By farmakakis - 21/12/2009 06:25 - Australia

Today, I wore a pair of glasses with no lenses because I thought I'd look smarter. I ended up poking myself in the eye several times, leaving it swollen. So much for making me look smarter. FML

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By JeffeeBojangles - 28/2/2012 12:46 - United States

Today, my grandma seemingly decided that it was a really nice day to put my cat in the dryer. FML

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By FML - 5/7/2010 00:15 - United States

Today, I came to work ready to impress my boss. A couple of weeks ago I asked him for a promotion from stock to sales and I have been proving myself worthy. Turns out he hired a new girl for sales, with great, big, fake breasts. FML

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By bye loser - 20/10/2014 09:28 - Canada - Abbotsford

Today, I went on a first date. Everything was going well until he asked me, "So, what's the biggest thing you've stuck up your vag?" FML

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By you'vegotmail(not) - 18/4/2014 23:59 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I realized that I get more mail addressed to the old tenant of my apartment than to me. He hasn't lived here in years. FML

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By mallyboo - 1/10/2016 14:38 - Canada - Richmond Hill

Today, I discovered that you should always check the litter box before vacuuming stray litter outside of it after my cat burst out from the box mid-piss and skittered around the house still pissing after I put the vacuum hose behind the box. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/5/2015 20:50

Today, my drunk grandma flashed me, after confusing me, a 19 year old girl, for my grandpa. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/4/2012 04:44 - United States

Today, I yet again heard a friend say "YOLO" as if it's a word. It was so annoying that I had to restrain myself from punching him in the face and offering him the chance to suck on one of my turds, since apparently "YOLO." FML

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By DuChaillu - 27/1/2010 07:35 - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided to perform a strip tease for me. As he was stripping out of his clothes, he took his shirt and then pants off first. He was wearing zebra striped knee high socks and underwear. I burst out laughing. He left. FML

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By heart broken - 29/12/2014 09:05 - United States

Today, my husband told me yet again that the last two years have been the worst of his life. Our two year anniversary is next week. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/7/2019 18:00

Today, I asked my wife who she would choose, me or the dog. She chose the dog. No hesitation. FML

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By tLee - 19/7/2011 04:04 - Canada

Today, I was laying in bed making out with a girl. After trying to figure out for a while why she was spending so much time on my neck it finally hit me. She was frantically and secretly trying to remove the gum she got stuck in my hair. She failed. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/8/2009 05:06 - United States

Today, I came home early from work, and caught my girlfriend with my best friend. I forgave her. She thinks it's because I love her. It's because I wouldn't get laid otherwise. FML

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By honk honk, fuckwad - 6/11/2015 22:39 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had a dream where I was giving Justin Bieber a blowjob. I'm a totally straight male. I have half a mind to bill the little bastard for therapy sessions. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/2/2015 15:10 - India - Tuticorin

Today, my fiancé and his family accused me of being with him only because he's rich, refusing to go ahead with the wedding. I accepted his marriage proposal 4 years ago, when he was penniless and unemployed. FML

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By Randy Savage - 2/2/2009 16:29 - United States

Today, my girlfriend asked if her friend Alex from high school could join in with us and we could have an amazing threesome. As a horny dude how could I say no? Turns out Alex is also a guys name. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/1/2011 08:34 - Lebanon

Today, I found out that it's extremely difficult to take a dump while holding a cup under your ass for a lab specimen. I also found out that you get so nervous that you can actually forget to lock the door. FML

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By rainperson - 7/1/2016 10:18 - France - Paris

Today, and as always, I recycle my trash at work: paper in the yellow trashcan, the rest in the black one. This morning, I saw a cleaning lady empty the contents of the black trashcan into the yellow one, put the whole lot into a big plastic bag and then leave as if this was normal. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/3/2016 19:00 - United States - Arlington

Today, my boyfriend is mad at me for causing him to fail a science test. Apparently he thought I was serious when I told him that homo sapiens were extinct because they were "homo". FML

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By Anonymous - 6/3/2015 16:51 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I had to sit and smile as a drunk lady ranted about how body hair on a woman is disgusting and unfeminine, then in the next breath say that only pedos like women who shave their vaginas. That's the last time I ever have dinner with my boyfriend's parents. FML

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Top comments

By khaya | 9

#3942302 - Wednesday 25 January 2012 18:52

Of all the shit that could have happened.

By IrishJesus | 5

#3942316 - Wednesday 25 January 2012 18:55

"Release the GAS!"

Comments

By coltsboy07 | 0

#3942275 - Wednesday 25 January 2012 18:49

First

By bluebell707 | 13

#3942289 - Wednesday 25 January 2012 18:51

Lol I suck at this commenting thing.

tparis12345 | 4

#3942299 - Wednesday 25 January 2012 18:51

Shitty situation

Internut | 6

#3942326 - Wednesday 25 January 2012 18:56

Shitty comments.

GoW_Chick | 14

#3942521 - Wednesday 25 January 2012 19:41

2 You said "I suck," and I can't help but wonder if you were talking about your comment, or something else entirely.

tparis12345 | 4

#3942600 - Wednesday 25 January 2012 20:24

Fuck you internut

Michael_92 | 20

#3942603 - Wednesday 25 January 2012 20:26

I was gonna say I bet the dog left the comment but then it hit me like a bus hits a child...the dog would leave a better comment ha

kooochris1995 | 14

#3942616 - Wednesday 25 January 2012 20:32

Yes you do #2

instnt1nfction | 16

#3942830 - Wednesday 25 January 2012 22:43

The moderators edited #2's comment.

ladyLALAA | 28

#3944211 - Thursday 26 January 2012 6:20

Haha, does anyone know what the comment was before?

instnt1nfction | 16

#3946235 - Thursday 26 January 2012 17:47

Before it was just "lol"

skibutter | 1

#4900985 - Thursday 6 September 2012 1:02

lol comment moderaters FTW

By rocker_chick105 | 31

#3942301 - Wednesday 25 January 2012 18:51

They want you OP, but dont do it! DONT GO THERE OP!

Cryathalon | 4

#3942588 - Wednesday 25 January 2012 20:15

thats what happens when you hire ex nazi's for security...
Huk huk huk

By khaya | 9

#3942302 - Wednesday 25 January 2012 18:52

Of all the shit that could have happened.

pinkcrayola | 0

#3942561 - Wednesday 25 January 2012 19:56

Yeah, that must really stink, OP.

tparis123456 | 3

#3942617 - Wednesday 25 January 2012 20:33

Sounds like a shitty situation

tparis1234567 | 4

#3942633 - Wednesday 25 January 2012 20:41

Why do my comments keep disappearing. All I said was it done be a shitty situation

thatonewhitegirl | 0

#3943168 - Thursday 26 January 2012 0:28

cheng is dat u *squints* (community show reference)

MissFits_fml | 6

#3960425 - Sunday 29 January 2012 8:07

Hot damn! I love your profile pic, khaya.

By IrishJesus | 5

#3942316 - Wednesday 25 January 2012 18:55

"Release the GAS!"

GoW_Chick | 14

#3942365 - Wednesday 25 January 2012 19:02

I looked at your pic, and then read your comment, my sides hurt from laughing. XD

LaughinStock | 16

#3942434 - Wednesday 25 January 2012 19:18

IT'S NOVA 6 RUN OP!!!! (that's all I got out of COD) :D

MrSassypants | 32

#3942725 - Wednesday 25 January 2012 21:49

I heard about Mercury being in fish but now since nova 6 is in cod... we have a problem.

flockz | 19

#3942733 - Wednesday 25 January 2012 21:53

release the gas+cod= RELEASE THE CRACKEN?

By I_EAT_KITTENS_FO | 5

#3942318 - Wednesday 25 January 2012 18:56

In soviet russia...

derpster | 7

#3942338 - Wednesday 25 January 2012 18:57

the bathroom smells you.

By ShroomsOnAcid | 16

#3942321 - Wednesday 25 January 2012 18:56

That's what you get for going to Taco Bell.

perdix | 29

#3942380 - Wednesday 25 January 2012 19:04

And as I said yesterday, four meals a day there is not an order from the Politboro.

Stick with vodka.

Pentium_4 | 26

#3942746 - Wednesday 25 January 2012 22:06

but it's so tasty....it's worth having volcano bowels for how delicous their whole menu is...

BrickWalls | 2

#3943699 - Thursday 26 January 2012 3:29

Perdix you're the best.

Squeaky_Tomato | 14

#3944824 - Thursday 26 January 2012 9:35

Taco Bell for when any other constipation medicine fails.

By trollfaced | 2

#3942328 - Wednesday 25 January 2012 18:56

Did you barf all over the security guards?

doorick | 4

#3942527 - Wednesday 25 January 2012 19:42

you just made yourself look like as ass. re-read the fml.

808Boyo | 4

#3942598 - Wednesday 25 January 2012 20:19

And now you look like AN ass.

Michael_92 | 20

#3942607 - Wednesday 25 January 2012 20:28

They were doors......

By 123josie123 | 11

#3942340 - Wednesday 25 January 2012 18:57

Aww fyl OP that's kind of what it's like in my house when my brother takes a crap :/

By linkinpark98 | 23

#3942342 - Wednesday 25 January 2012 18:57

Person in the stall:
"I shouldn't have eaten Mexican last night!"