Today, I went on a date with a man I met on Halloween. It appears... - FML

By Anonymous - 3/11/2009 14:12 - United States

Today, I went on a date with a man I met on Halloween. It appears that his mullet wasn't actually part of his costume. FML

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The best cat

Who's a good boy?

Hello everyone!

By thepigeonsfriend - 7/5/2012 14:08 - United Kingdom

Today, I accidentally kicked a can and it hit a man's shoe. He tried to kick it at me but his foot somehow failed to connect with the can. I could hear it rattling behind me as he failed again and again. So he decided to run up behind me and throw it at my head. FML

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By Jules7594 - 12/6/2015 13:02 - United States - Wellesley Hills

Today, an ultrasound tech complimented me on my "exceptionally full bladder". That's probably the best compliment I've received this week. FML

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By katie - 23/8/2019 06:00 - United States - Chicago

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to try the ice cubes in the vagina thing we'd read about. He kept sticking one in after another and they got stuck. My vagina had a brain freeze for a half an hour. FML

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By Bjax - 11/10/2017 16:00

Shame on you!

Today, my girlfriend woke me up at 5am to tell me she was mad at me. Apparently I did something bad in her dream. She still won't talk to me. FML

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By Tytonic - 2/2/2016 22:25 - United States - Washington

Today, I took a few Advil. They weren't Advil. My dad mixed the containers and I have no idea what I just took. FML

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By Godhelpme - 16/6/2014 02:21 - United States - Houston

Today, in a last ditch attempt to get away from my psycho coworker, I made my boss transfer me to another branch in the district. My coworker was immediately moved to that branch, because we "work well together". FML

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By Kristen Duncan - 1/8/2017 20:00 - United States - Spokane

Today, I just drank a sip of beer and felt something so I spit it out... It was an earwig. FML

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By Lisa - 24/4/2020 05:00

Confinement must be great

Today, my boyfriend and I broke up because he won’t stop inappropriately talking to other girls on social media. We live together and have 6 months left on our apartment lease. FML

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By no no no no no no no no no no no fuck no - 1/9/2013 20:04 - Greece - Athens

Today, I witnessed my husband hocking a loogie into his hand, then throwing it into the trash can and continuing to make our sandwiches. FML

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By WorryNot - 29/12/2016 01:22 - United States - Prescott

Today, I accidentally left a small but very important piece of my breast pump at home. Only ten more hours until the end of my shift. FML

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By PunkChik27 - 12/12/2011 04:46 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, saying we're too different. His only example? He likes ham and I don't. FML

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By Beewwwbs - 9/11/2018 19:00 - Australia - Wembley

Today, I'm on a pill that "may cause breast tenderness". My 32E breasts took that to mean swell up a size, become heavy as lead, be so sore I can't move without a bra on, and stiffen my neck and back muscles so badly I thought I had an ear infection. This will last "a few weeks to months". FML

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By Tanisha Skye Regeling - 11/6/2020 23:02

Night terrors

Today, I woke up with a headache and a bruised forehead after my husband full-force elbowed me in the head last night in his sleep. It wouldn't be so bad, except for the fact he has zero memory of doing it. FML

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By Nikki - 3/8/2009 13:26 - United States

Today, I was baby sitting my little cousin when we decided to go outside and have a "treasure hunt" in the backyard. The first thing we found? The bones of her pet dog that had passed away four years ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/7/2014 09:05 - United States - Cape Coral

Today, I got fired from my job. Why? Apparently taking 10 minutes to take a shit is too long for some people. FML

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By mcdonalds - 6/8/2013 04:11 - United States

Today, I dislocated my shoulder. I was screaming and writhing in pain, and my eyes were shut for most of the ride to the hospital. We stopped, and I was thrilled because I thought we were at the ER. I was wrong. My dad had stopped to order a cheeseburger. FML

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By Loki16 - 2/6/2016 08:40 - United States - New York

Today, my girlfriend helped me apply liquid bandaid over an open wound. Unfortunately, she grabbed the liquid wart remover instead. FML

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By schoolgrlstaci - 7/4/2009 20:44 - United States

Today, we had a school assembly at 7:00 pm about drinking and driving. There was a cop doing a demonstration of a field sobriety test on stage. I was randomly selected to perform a breathalyzer test in front of all the students and parents. I blew 0.06. FML

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By sadman - 5/2/2011 07:16 - United States

Today, I had a date with a girl I'd been seeing for about a month. When I got home, I saw her facebook status changed to "In a relationship". This made me kind of excited, until I realized it wasn't with me. FML

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By sad - 30/3/2012 22:21 - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, I confided to my dad that my girlfriend had dumped me for another guy. He said "good" and explained that given how overpopulated the planet is, he's actually disappointed that I'm not gay. His advice was: "just wank it off and move on". FML

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By MAWZ - 19/7/2011 06:33 - United States

Today, while I was showering, my brother thought it would be funny to burst through the door pretending he was a burglar. Panicked, I went to grab the soap bar as a weapon, slipped, fell and hit my head on the faucet. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/9/2009 16:33 - United States

Today, at Six flags, friends and I were going to ride "Superman". People lose their phones on it easily, so I asked a friend who decided not to ride to put mine in her bag. When it ended, I learned she went and asked an employee in navy to hold onto it, but couldn't find him. Employees wear yellow. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/4/2011 04:10 - United States

Today, my husband and I had the grand opening to our new winery. We had a big sign out front saying "FREE GRAPES", to try and get more people interested. People kept giving us dirty looks when passing. We later realized there was something covering the "G". FML

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By NeverGonnaGetAny - 23/2/2009 19:28 - United States

Today, I was discussing sex with my guy friends in their dorm when I asked one of them what he would do if I got naked and crawled into his bed. He replied, "Nothing. You're one of the guys now." They all agreed. FML

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By squirrel - 9/1/2010 05:01 - United States

Today, I was wearing a shirt that had a picture of a squirrel and acorns with a caption reading "Protect Your Nuts". My dad walked up to me, read my shirt, then punched me in the balls. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/11/2015 19:27 - United States - Clearwater

Today, I found out my coworker was arrested for beating the crap out of his wife. I gave him a serious pep talk yesterday where I told him to stop taking her shit and start standing up for himself. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/8/2013 18:50 - United States - Bessemer

Today, while working at a client's house, I noticed that their sliding calendar was several months off. I fixed it. Later the daughter saw and started crying. Apparently the date was the last one her mother had set it to before she died. FML

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By tool - 9/4/2009 06:03 - United States

Today, I was bored at my job at Home Depot. I got a bar code tattoo 3 weeks ago and thought it would be funny to scan it. I'm a $5.98 160z claw hammer. FML

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By alrightsheryl - 28/3/2009 16:40 - United States

Today, is my 18th birthday. I call my parents and they tell me they found weed in the guest house and so they called my boarding school to drug test me. It wasn't my weed. They didn't even say "Happy Birthday." FML

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By - 4/1/2009 05:24 - France

Today, I withdrew $120 from the ATM at the hotel I'm staying at, only to have no money come out. When I talked to the concierge, who witnessed the whole thing, she said it had been happening all day and that the machine was broken. My bank says it's the hotel's problem, and the hotel says it's the bank's problem. Either way, I'm out $120. FML

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By storyofmylife - 15/3/2009 02:27 - United States

Today, while I was babysitting, the toddler was feeding me banana slices from her tray while I was cutting up clay for her to mold. It was all fine until she shoved something hard and crunchy into my mouth. I immediately spat it out into my hand. It was a dead cricket she found on the floor. FML

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By Rman - 2/11/2009 22:35 - United States

Today, I got a letter confirming I had dropped out of college. I received this letter shortly after completing the 10th essay I had finished this week as a result of me deciding to finally apply myself to my schoolwork. Turns out that while dropping a class, I checked Drop All instead of Drop 1. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/10/2012 16:44 - United States

Today, over a family dinner, my husband and I told everyone that I'm pregnant. My father frowned and said, "Again?", my 9-year-old daughter started crying, and her brother smirked and yelled, "Up the ass, no babies!" FML

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By Trollface - 31/1/2017 20:00 - Canada

Today, while cuddling in bed, I tried to tell my girlfriend she was cute. It came out, "I wish you were cuter." FML

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By Anonymous - 26/8/2015 07:45 - India - Kolkata

Today, is my five year anniversary. My boyfriend said he was gonna get me something shiny this year. I thought he was gonna propose. He got me a set of sparkle glue. FML

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By DC - 11/10/2016 13:41 - United States - Sioux City

Today, I narrowly avoided a head-on collision in the parking garage. The other driver cussed me out. It's a one-way route through the parking garage, and I was going the right way. FML

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By thekriss - 23/8/2012 20:28 - France - Paris

Today, after my shift at the police station, I went on a date with a girl I recently met. We had a great date, that is until I opened the car door for her, and out of habit, pushed down on her head as she got in. FML

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By Her - 6/11/2009 20:36 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of two years took me out to breakfast. So we were eating and he kept on staring at me like he was thinking of something really important. I thought he was going to say "I Love You". So I told him to "say it already". Turns out he was thinking of a way to dump me. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/7/2012 02:13 - United States

Today, I was called into my first day of work as a cashier. Not even 30 minutes into training, my boss had already "accidentally" touched my ass 7 times. FML

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By uglywoman - 14/12/2010 08:21 - Australia

Today, my six year old told me I have a big nose. When I told her that she hurt my feelings, she laughed and said "Don't be silly mummy, ugly people don't have feelings." FML

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Top comments

By perdix | 29

#652654 - Tuesday 3 November 2009 20:35

Why is this in the Intimacy (aka Sex) category? Was he sporting a pubic mullet?

I'm sure he was more depressed that those giant pillows you used to create that big, fat ass for your costume weren't removable.

By jadetothes | 0

#652794 - Tuesday 3 November 2009 21:53

Heyy its a business at the front and a party at the back!
Whats not to love!
*Strokes Mullet*

Comments

By DovdGraaf | 0

#652625 - Tuesday 3 November 2009 20:17

Ouch... but if you like him, then you should respect him.. right?

Reply

mnbbv | 0

#976545 - Thursday 8 April 2010 19:01

lol I guess not...

Reply

maddieguinn | 0

#981267 - Sunday 18 April 2010 8:41

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhhhhshaahahahahahahahahahahahahahah

Reply

TechnoTaco | 0

#1403299 - Tuesday 14 September 2010 9:53

Did anyone else think of Joe Dirt when they read this?

Reply

swanee2144 | 0

#1760746 - Saturday 27 November 2010 21:59

yes definitely

Reply

ryry013 | 6

#3999239 - Monday 6 February 2012 5:40

So you saw him ONCE during Haloween then you went straight to dating?

By perdix | 29

#652654 - Tuesday 3 November 2009 20:35

Why is this in the Intimacy (aka Sex) category? Was he sporting a pubic mullet?

I'm sure he was more depressed that those giant pillows you used to create that big, fat ass for your costume weren't removable.

Reply

in2deep96 | 5

#984970 - Monday 26 April 2010 4:21

^^win!^^^^

By TheBigDJ | 0

#652659 - Tuesday 3 November 2009 20:37

lol that's crazy

By stfuminjakid | 0

#652687 - Tuesday 3 November 2009 20:54

was it joe dirt?

Reply

ScaryyMary | 14

#652756 - Tuesday 3 November 2009 21:34

No, it was Billy Ray Cyrus. Get it right!

By jadetothes | 0

#652794 - Tuesday 3 November 2009 21:53

Heyy its a business at the front and a party at the back!
Whats not to love!
*Strokes Mullet*

By kile88 | 2

#652836 - Tuesday 3 November 2009 22:19

sooo what?! a guy has a mullet whoaaaaa fyl aye you idiot he might be a nice guy.

By ClownSmilely | 0

#652838 - Tuesday 3 November 2009 22:22

Sounds like you got tricked and not treated....call me sometimes and I'll show you my mullet lol

By perdix | 29

#652868 - Tuesday 3 November 2009 22:39

YDI for thinking PeopleOfWalmart.com was a dating site.

Reply

ReyEr9412 | 0

#970130 - Sunday 28 March 2010 21:04

^ ^ ^
WIN!

By xoxcinderellaxox | 0

#652891 - Tuesday 3 November 2009 22:53

ydi.... you should be able to know synthetic from real hair. shave it off while he's asleep.

By flyboy57 | 0

#652977 - Tuesday 3 November 2009 23:28

haha!