Intimacy: Today, I went on a date with a man I met on Halloween. It appears... - FML

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went on a date with a man I met on Halloween. It appears that his mullet wasn't actually part of his costume. FML

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NRA fanboy

Our House

Sounds lovely

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I wanted to impress my girlfriend with a cool fire breathing trick I learned online, and ended up burning half her room. FML

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By badmom101 - Canada

Today, my 5 year old daughter thought it would be funny to wake me up by tickling my toes. I guess one of my reflexes acted out because I kicked her right in the face. FML

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By Loot - United States

Today, I received a box in the mail from my mom which I assumed was a care package. It was a scale to encourage me to lose weight. FML

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By tiaox - 4/6/2021 11:01

Grossed out

Today, I went on a date with an amazing girl. The date was going well, until she started eating. Although her mouth was closed the entire time, she somehow still made the loudest, most disgusting chewing noises I’ve ever heard. I felt bad about dumping her over that, but I just couldn’t continue. FML

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By Paul Rushing

Panic buying? What panic buying?

Today, at the supermarket where I work, we had at least 40 people waiting outside for us to open our doors at 7:00 a.m. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Mission

Today, I lost my virginity. We'd both waited until marriage, so I thought it'd be nice and romantic. Nope. He slipped it into my ass and claimed he didn't know which hole was the right one. FML

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By Nikki - Canada

Today, this guy and I went on a date to the movies. We got up to the desk and I asked for one ticket for 'Jennifer's Body.' The guy moved his way in front of me and said, "make that two tickets." He then walked away to look at movie posters and left me with the $22.50 charge. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went swimming with this guy I like at dammed river. While we were jumping off the dam, I decided to try to impress him by doing a front flip. I didn't jump far enough off, so when I went to flip, my face skidded down the concrete wall. FML

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By ohgod... - Canada - Magog

Today, while my boyfriend and I were getting intimate, he called me "Mom." FML

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By SLOMan90 - United States

Today, my college professor handed every student a note card and told us to rate his looks from 1 to 5. Is this what I pay $20,000 a year for? FML

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By ksamp - United States

Today, the man I love still thinks that female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one. FML

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By terrified - United States - Union Star

Today, the amount of spiders in my house has gotten so bad that it's become routine to shake out any blankets or towels before using them. FML

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By mylifereallysuks - United States

Today, I got an email from my cute teacher about reminding us to bring stuff for the next lesson. As a joke I clicked on reply and wrote about how I think he is so cute and handsome. Right then and there I clicked to go look at other messages. A little box came up..."MESSAGE SENT". FML

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By thanksmom - United States

Today, my mom paid $40 for overnight shipping on delivery of paint for my Art major dropout sister, but insists on making me wait two weeks for my diabetes medication. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my dad took me to a bar for my first legal drink. He quickly got "drunk" and started slurring that I was an accident, saying the only reason I'm alive is because he'd been too poor to pay for an abortion. As I started crying, he burst out laughing and said soberly, "Just kidding, son." FML

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By welp - United States - Grass Lake

Today, I worked a short shift at work, getting sent home early because it was slow. In the time I was gone, my family decided surprise me by rearranging my room and put in my new desk. They also surprised me when I learned that they'd spilled a slushie on my very expensive computer. FML

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By buttpain

Today, being a snow day, I decided to take a nice nap before resuming cleaning my room. Changed back into pajamas, climbed into bed, and found that one of the cats peed on my sheets. I've made negative progress, and had my underwear soaked in someone else's cold urine. FML

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By lol - United States

Today, I farted in front of my husband for the first time in 26 years. He told our kids over email, and now they won't shut up about it. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/7/2020 08:00

Reading comprehension

Today, one of my clients called me, saying that he received my email. When I asked what I could do for him, he replied, “Well, what does the email say?” FML

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By are you kidding me - United States - Wichita

Today, I showed up to work and my boss was nowhere to be found. A phone call later, I find out he's in Dubai. Oh, and since I'm his personal assistant, I should be able to take care of matters until he gets back. I've only been his assistant for a week. FML

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By working_as_usual - United States - Valencia

Today, I was telling my co-workers about how I'd gotten tickets to a concert in a few days. My boss overheard. Later, he told me I now have to work on the night of the concert. However, he was kind enough to offer to buy the tickets off me for half of what I'd paid for them. FML

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By innocent - United States

Today, my father seems to be having an affair. A used condom was carelessly left on his nightstand and my mother found it. She refuses to believe that my boyfriend and I are not responsible. As punishment I am "no longer allowed to see him." We're both 22 and live together in our own apartment. FML

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By kate - United States

Today, I was eating at Applebees at a high table with bar stools. I was reaching over to get some gum out of mom's purse when my chair flipped out from under me and my soda fell on top of me and got in my ear. To make things worse, the waiter ran over and shouted "I give that one a 10!" FML

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By hairy - United States

Today, I told my boss I was bored of being a cashier and would rather go to food prep. He told me I couldn't because my arms were too hairy. I'm a sixteen year old girl. FML

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By Glenn - 21/3/2021 13:01 - United Kingdom

Baker's dozen

Today, my dad undermined my life's work. I finally opened my own bakery, but my dad told me it's a "sissies job" since it doesn't involve manual labour like he did for 50 years and I'll probably go out of business, because no one will want cakes from a 6 foot 8 man with tattoos, piercings and a shaved head. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Miami

Today, after having recently told my 4-year-old daughter that she won't grow big and tall if she doesn't eat her veggies, she decided to pass this wisdom on to a midget that we passed in the store. FML

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By Tyrez - United States - Boulder

Today, my stepbrother's attempt at making a snack resulted in the microwave catching on fire and the everlasting smell of burnt pizza rolls. FML

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By dre_bro11 - Australia

Today, I found the same spider which I had let live yesterday hidden in my bath towel. I didn't find it until it was smeared on my face. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Saint Louis

Today, my dog got so excited about a new toy that she vomited all over it. I had to clean up the vomit, throw away the toy, and now have a very sad dog. FML

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By jnisla - United States - Conway

Today, I had horrible morning sickness, but being starving, I had some canned soup. My husband soon came into the room and commented on how the leeks in the soup looked like chunks of vomit. The visual caused me to vomit all over the table. FML

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By replik - Russian Federation

Today, I got stuck for a while in a hallway between two security doors due to a malfunction. I'm not claustrophobic, but I sure am sensitive to horrifying smells coming from a nearby bathroom stall. FML

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By dadum - Australia

Creeped out

Today, I had a stranger scream at me that I was a whore and I was trying to steal her boyfriend. She then said my full name, stating my previous hair colour, my recent activities and that her boyfriend had been my year nine dance partner. I officially have a stalker. FML

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By Anon - United States

Today, neither of my parents fought for my custody. FML

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By gummy bear

Today, trying to be an old-school romantic, I asked my girlfriend "where art thou my love?" via SMS. She replied "Toilet." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my now ex-boyfriend called me over for an "important chat". This chat consisted of him not only insisting that we have sex whenever he feels like it, but demanding that I take birth control pills, because making him wear a condom is "sexist and degrading". FML

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By Why? - United States - Saint Charles

Today, our dog died. My daughter was really upset about it, so my husband tried to cheer her up. "At least she will be doing something that she liked forever: Sleeping!" My daughter continued to cry for half an hour. FML

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By shatMyself - United States

Today, I was admitted to the hospital for chronic constipation. I have to share a room with two other girls who are also having bowel problems. We're all on strong laxatives, and there's apparently only one bathroom in this place. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, and every day since I got her, I leaned down to pour food and water into my cat's bowls. And today, like every single day, I forgot that my granite countertop sticks out a bit. I think part of my head is flat now. FML

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By bntje - Netherlands - Holten

Today, my sister went into a blind rage at me for "upstaging" her by announcing that I'm pregnant, two months after she did the same. My husband and I have been trying for two years. She's in high school and doesn't even know who the father is. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was in a public restroom when my almost-2-year-old figured out how to open the door and run out. Half-a-dozen strangers watched me scramble to pull up my pants and moon everyone before running after her. FML

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Top comments

By perdix | 29

#652654 - Tuesday 3 November 2009 20:35

Why is this in the Intimacy (aka Sex) category? Was he sporting a pubic mullet?

I'm sure he was more depressed that those giant pillows you used to create that big, fat ass for your costume weren't removable.

By jadetothes | 0

#652794 - Tuesday 3 November 2009 21:53

Heyy its a business at the front and a party at the back!
Whats not to love!
*Strokes Mullet*

COMMENTS

By DovdGraaf | 0

#652625 - Tuesday 3 November 2009 20:17

Ouch... but if you like him, then you should respect him.. right?

Reply

mnbbv | 0

#976545 - Thursday 8 April 2010 19:01

lol I guess not...

Reply

maddieguinn | 0

#981267 - Sunday 18 April 2010 8:41

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhhhhshaahahahahahahahahahahahahahah

Reply

TechnoTaco | 0

#1403299 - Tuesday 14 September 2010 9:53

Did anyone else think of Joe Dirt when they read this?

Reply

swanee2144 | 0

#1760746 - Saturday 27 November 2010 21:59

yes definitely

Reply

ryry013 | 6

#3999239 - Monday 6 February 2012 5:40

So you saw him ONCE during Haloween then you went straight to dating?

By perdix | 29

#652654 - Tuesday 3 November 2009 20:35

Why is this in the Intimacy (aka Sex) category? Was he sporting a pubic mullet?

I'm sure he was more depressed that those giant pillows you used to create that big, fat ass for your costume weren't removable.

Reply

in2deep96 | 5

#984970 - Monday 26 April 2010 4:21

^^win!^^^^

By TheBigDJ | 0

#652659 - Tuesday 3 November 2009 20:37

lol that's crazy

By stfuminjakid | 0

#652687 - Tuesday 3 November 2009 20:54

was it joe dirt?

Reply

ScaryyMary | 14

#652756 - Tuesday 3 November 2009 21:34

No, it was Billy Ray Cyrus. Get it right!

By jadetothes | 0

#652794 - Tuesday 3 November 2009 21:53

Heyy its a business at the front and a party at the back!
Whats not to love!
*Strokes Mullet*

By kile88 | 2

#652836 - Tuesday 3 November 2009 22:19

sooo what?! a guy has a mullet whoaaaaa fyl aye you idiot he might be a nice guy.

By ClownSmilely | 0

#652838 - Tuesday 3 November 2009 22:22

Sounds like you got tricked and not treated....call me sometimes and I'll show you my mullet lol

By perdix | 29

#652868 - Tuesday 3 November 2009 22:39

YDI for thinking PeopleOfWalmart.com was a dating site.

Reply

ReyEr9412 | 0

#970130 - Sunday 28 March 2010 21:04

^ ^ ^
WIN!

By xoxcinderellaxox | 0

#652891 - Tuesday 3 November 2009 22:53

ydi.... you should be able to know synthetic from real hair. shave it off while he's asleep.

By flyboy57 | 0

#652977 - Tuesday 3 November 2009 23:28

haha!