Work: Today, I was writing my narrative essay for my English class.... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 81

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 350

You deserved it 92

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 143

You deserved it 1 259

10/11/2010 04:00

Today, I was writing my narrative essay for my English class. When I turned it in, I was really proud of what I thought I wrote. Evidently for some people listening to music while writing essays is a bad thing. My essay was filled with little bits of ZZ Top lyrics. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 347

You deserved it 34 646

Batman

Dementia or hate? You decide

One-handed typing

04/11/2012 09:55

Spicy

Today, my hubby and I decided to spice up our sex life and went to an adult toy store. We know too many people in our town, so we drove to one that was 30 mins away. We decided on our items, and went to the check out. Who would have guessed my next door neighbor works there as a cashier? FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 577

You deserved it 5 417

04/03/2016 00:22

Today, I finally did my laundry after a good few weeks, only to think another washer was a dryer. I just ran my clothes through the wash 3 times, because I was confused as to why they weren't drying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 541

You deserved it 21 877

Sounds reasonable

By Anonymous - 08/08/2020 23:01

Spicy

Today, my husband refuses to have sex with me, ever since I told him I wanted to try for a baby. When I asked him why, he said it was because he likes lack of responsibility and money in the bank more than the thought of a screaming baby, no sleep and strong suicidal urges. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 131

You deserved it 1 695

15/11/2012 05:48

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because she found out I share a birthday with a fictional character who is "untrustworthy" and has a "dark side", so therefore I can't be trusted either. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 051

You deserved it 2 415

Put it all back

By WTFwhywouldyoudothat - 22/08/2011 22:10

Today, my house got broken into. Thankfully, they didn't steal anything. They did, however, move things around into strange places and mess up my underwear. I have severe OCD, so this is probably worse than if they had taken everything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 021

You deserved it 4 352

14/10/2013 18:19

Today, I decided to start a new and healthy diet. When I came home from my run this morning, my family decided to show their support by buying takeaway food. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 443

You deserved it 4 750

24/10/2012 11:14

Today, I saw a man lying face down in a field and thinking he was injured, I ran over to help. As soon as I got to him, I realized he was completely naked. He stood up and chased after me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 922

You deserved it 2 658

30/11/2012 01:00

Today, I met up with a few old friends for some wine and munchies. The main topics of conversation were colonoscopies, lactose intolerance and specific symptoms of irritable bowel syndrome. I'm sleeping over at one of their houses. Only 20 more hours to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 009

You deserved it 2 686

24/07/2009 09:32

Today, I finally got the courage to ask out the guy I've liked for a long time. He's a cashier at a grocery store. It was about 1am and I was his last customer, everything seemed just right. Just when I was about to ask him to the movies, a drunk girl stumbles in and asks him out. He said yes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 574

You deserved it 6 937

Wait for me!

By Anonymous - 03/01/2021 01:58

Today, the parking shuttle for work pulled away right as I was walking up to it. I was late to work. For the second day in a row. FML

I agree, your life sucks 400

You deserved it 634

09/11/2018 15:30

Today, after months of job searching, I finally got a call for an interview. Right in the middle of the call, my phone hung up so the music app could open. I tried calling them back and got no response. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 692

You deserved it 367

13/06/2015 16:34

Today, my parents bought my 11-year-old brother a MacBook for my birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 042

You deserved it 2 393

Extreme makeover

By skunk head - 22/07/2020 05:01

Today, my idiot husband got drunk in the middle of the day and decided to dress our 7-year-old like Rufio from the movie Hook. I wouldn’t have even been mad if he’d done a decent job. Instead, he did a botched bleach and dye job in our boy’s hair that makes him look like a skunk on acid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 379

You deserved it 217

Con Artist Kitty

By Tray - 25/09/2017 20:13

Today, I had just finished making myself an ice cream cone when my cat puked all over the floor. I set my cone on the counter while I cleaned up, and when I finished, my cat was licking it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 804

You deserved it 601

02/03/2016 11:45

Spicy

Today, I'm so sleep-deprived, I got a boner from just thinking about falling asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 647

You deserved it 2 303

25/03/2011 00:43

Today, I got a call from my 8 year old son's teacher. Apparently, my kid has been charging girls a quarter to touch his "special area." FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 532

You deserved it 8 687

09/06/2009 17:09

Today, I was walking my new dog and saw this girl that I've had a crush on for months. When I approached her, I tried to look 'macho' with my dog. However my dog thought it would be more attractive to pee on my leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 806

You deserved it 10 732

26/07/2011 01:32

Today, a drunk crashed a truck into my porch. Shaken up, I was glad to see that so many of my neighbors had gathered around to comfort me. When the dust settled, I noticed my remaining porch furniture was missing. They weren't consoling me, they were casing the place. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 597

You deserved it 3 011

02/10/2016 17:32

Today, while working at a cell phone store, I helped an older woman learn how to use her newly updated phone. After trying to help her for over 20 minutes, she threatened to throw her phone at my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 068

You deserved it 834

29/08/2018 20:30

Today, I had to carry the dead weight of my 90-pound husky upstairs to the bath because he hates it. He cried the entire time, loudly. He then rolled in the dirt when I let him outside to pee not even an hour later. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 705

You deserved it 485

04/07/2009 21:07

Today, was my wedding. After eating, I had an urge to fart. I let one rip just before my husband and I were called to do the garter dance. He seductively tried to use his teeth to remove the garter and came out from under my dress dry heaving. I dutch ovened my husband in front of everyone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 315

You deserved it 25 881

Awks

By Anonymous - 23/10/2009 04:56

Today, while trying on a dress, my sister came up behind me and poked my back, asking, “What have you stuck down your dress?” I hadn’t put anything down the back of my dress; it was just my back fat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 597

You deserved it 10 037

03/04/2014 20:53

Today, my coworkers continued their new favorite game: staring at me in total unnerving silence. I can't help but be reminded of serial killers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 954

You deserved it 3 350

23/07/2013 17:18

Spicy

Today, I was at the store, when I saw my boyfriend in line in front of me. I looked to see what he was purchasing; it was a pack of condoms. When I questioned him, he said that, "They're for us, babe!" We already have an unopened pack at home, and it's my time of the month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 841

You deserved it 6 174

30/04/2009 02:11

Today, I met my paternal grandfather for the first time. I’ve spent the last three months tracking him down. I poured my heart out and told about how much this meant to me. He told me I had a nice rack and asked for a cigarette. FML

I agree, your life sucks 89 102

You deserved it 8 814

18/02/2010 20:12

Today, I went to a Jack's Mannequin concert. I'd asked this girl I'm interested in to come with me, and she insisted that she had to bring her two year old son with us. I'd told her it was no problem. Ten minutes into it, she said we needed to leave because it was too loud for him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 928

You deserved it 10 107

Good Riddance

By JustABarista - 11/03/2017 04:00

Today, while working at Starbucks, an elderly woman came up to me asking to turn up the heat. It was at 73. After explaining to her that corporate all the way across the country controls our heat, she's reporting me to corporate and is insisting I should be fired or she won't ever return. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 213

You deserved it 350

13/08/2019 20:00

Today, my friend was extremely constipated when he used my toilet. I'm now having to go buy a new toothbrush, because he used mine to dig out his shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 107

You deserved it 141

03/05/2009 15:53

Today, I was with my kids. We saw a tiny little bug and they started freaking out. Trying to show them that bugs are not scary, I picked it up. It bit me and now I have to go to the doctor because my hand is the size of a balloon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 597

You deserved it 26 969

10/08/2014 01:30

Today, I was mowing the lawn while wearing gym shorts. Because I had no pockets, I tucked my phone into the waistband of my shorts. I didn't notice my phone had slipped until the lawnmower started making an awful sound. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 217

You deserved it 22 406

Driving me up the wall

By Rose - 17/05/2021 06:01

Today, I was a month away from being seizure-free long enough to be able to get my licence when I experienced one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 951

You deserved it 72

19/08/2011 21:08

Today, I had my first day of soccer tryouts. We began with a two mile run. Trying to be honest for once, I didn't lie about my time. Everyone else did. I thus got the worst score, and had to run it again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 187

You deserved it 4 533

29/02/2016 22:17

Today, I helped my mom put away my baby sister's clothes. She's only a week old and has around 60 outfits. I have 4. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 887

You deserved it 1 822

04/06/2012 18:21

Today, I saw a text message on my husband's phone from a "Candice", asking him if he and his wife are still separated, followed by an invitation to spend the night. I never knew we were separated in the first place. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 318

You deserved it 2 580

12/12/2011 00:01

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, and gave his little speech, over the phone. He did all this while his ass was firmly planted in a chair in the next room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 135

You deserved it 2 665

09/10/2010 04:09

Today, I got chased, threatened and assaulted by a cab driver because I wouldn't take the credit card receipt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 957

You deserved it 6 984

06/07/2009 20:27

Today, my girlfriend came over to talk. She just got back from a small vacation. She asked me to feed her dogs while she was gone, so I did. I even stayed with them at times so they wouldnt get lonely. My girlfriend had come over to break up with me. She didn't do so earlier because she needed her dogs fed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 891

You deserved it 3 215

09/07/2015 14:38

Today, a week after my miscarriage, my little sister thought it appropriate to wrap her belt around her neck and scream, "Hey look, it's your baby!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 056

You deserved it 2 600

05/12/2018 17:30

Today, I opened the bathroom door and it broke my wife’s little toe. As revenge, she ruined the ending of Assassin's Creed that she had gotten me for Christmas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 395

You deserved it 643

20/01/2013 19:28

Today, my boyfriend of three days met up with me at the movie theater, sporting a crude tattoo of my face on his cheek, along with a love heart and the word "forever." Looks like I'm single again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 796

You deserved it 4 228

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Wednesday 10 November 2010 8:57

And this is why we proofread.

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Wednesday 10 November 2010 9:33

Iv'e done that, Except I was at work writing down an order. The guy was ordering "sticky fingers", while his buddies suggested I just call him an asshole. (For some random reason) The result was one order of "Sticky Ass".

Comments

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Wednesday 10 November 2010 8:55

ooh, I've done that before. it sucked.

ShatteredDreams8 0

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Wednesday 10 November 2010 9:47

ZZ Top are epic

kemolegend907 0

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Wednesday 10 November 2010 11:11

actually... music helps me concentrate :P

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Wednesday 10 November 2010 11:40

oh not me. I could never listen to music while I did homework. Too distracting.

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Wednesday 10 November 2010 12:59

"rumors spreading around..in that texas town..bout that shack outside la grange... ...shes got legs... ... cause every girls crazy bout a sharp dressed man"

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Wednesday 10 November 2010 13:31

They have some DIRTY lyrics.. I wonder what OP used...

Blackoutdcskatir 0

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Wednesday 10 November 2010 15:09

Same,but with the song. F**k The World by Insane Clown Posse...I got suspended for that. Then I did it once more but with a song I was writing...turns out teachers don't like. "You will burn in a burning car explosion,I will laugh,you will cry,I will live,you will die." Haha. Life is great!:)

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Wednesday 10 November 2010 16:10

^you're cool.

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Sunday 26 December 2010 5:14

of course he is, he listens to insane clown posse that makes he automatically cool.

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Wednesday 2 November 2011 16:38

now thats a good question

James_is_Mexican 25

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Friday 10 January 2014 17:53

You didn't read it over when you were done?

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Wednesday 10 November 2010 8:55

hahaha!

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Friday 29 April 2011 5:36

awhawahawhawhahwhahw, drives every girl crazy bout a sharp dressed man!!!

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Wednesday 10 November 2010 8:57

And this is why we proofread.

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Wednesday 10 November 2010 8:58

.*

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Wednesday 10 November 2010 9:00

A sentence isn't really supposed to start with "And". "And" is a conjunction, and therefore makes no sense at the start, so there shouldn't have been one there. "." then capitalize "This".

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Wednesday 10 November 2010 9:05

thank you for letting us know, i will now pass english with this knowledge.

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Wednesday 10 November 2010 9:12

It's perfectly acceptable to begin a sentence with a conjunction like and or but. FYI, periods and commas go inside quotation marks. OP deserves it for listening to ZZ Top. Good god.

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Wednesday 10 November 2010 9:25

Actually, If you're female, periods go inside the quotation marks.

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Wednesday 10 November 2010 9:29

What is that even supposed to mean???

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Wednesday 10 November 2010 9:38

females have "periods"

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Wednesday 10 November 2010 10:21

Pendatik, surely you mean British :p

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Wednesday 10 November 2010 12:59

Agree with #3 and thank you for that pendatik. I've always wondered.

cuddlekitty66 0

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Wednesday 10 November 2010 13:59

Well then you would also love to know that following a period should be a space. Ie: "they're going to kill me....oh no." Is incorrect. Try "they're going to kill me... Oh no." I learned that in first grade =/

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Wednesday 10 November 2010 18:12

^ I feel smart-er. [x

hatepineapple 14

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Thursday 11 November 2010 5:26

@37, the "wrong end of the stick" phrase originated from times before toilet paper, where outhouses had a stick with a sponge attached to the end, soaking in salt water. Guess which end was the wrong one.

GrosMichelBanana 1

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Saturday 23 July 2011 6:07

What exactly did your comment achieve? I'm pretty anal about grammar, but really? That was just stupid.

Ninjasaurus18 9

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Tuesday 5 June 2012 13:38

Technically you're not supposed to start a sentence with a conjunction, but most people don't follow that rule anymore.

NotYourOrdinary7 6

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Wednesday 10 November 2010 8:58

Wow. lol. Good job =p

pwnman 33

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Sunday 3 June 2012 22:36

Who else but black people

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Wednesday 10 November 2010 8:58

You didn't even proof read your FML. You just fail at English regardless.

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Wednesday 10 November 2010 8:59

oh my god. FYL bro FYL major

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Wednesday 10 November 2010 19:10

its not a bro FYL major FYL it's not that big of a deal

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Wednesday 10 November 2010 23:11

i was being sarcastic

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Wednesday 10 November 2010 8:59

should have proofread it...

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Wednesday 10 November 2010 9:00

How do you even do that? I understand a couple phrases that you catch, but you're just an idiot.

1personinthiswor 0

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Wednesday 10 November 2010 14:42

You look like Casey from the Ninja Turtles :D lol

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Wednesday 10 November 2010 15:23

lol u look like karate kid

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Wednesday 10 November 2010 23:39

Screw you both =(

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Thursday 11 November 2010 9:00

damn.you're hot >w<

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Thursday 11 November 2010 22:06

Me? ^^;; if so, thank you =)

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Friday 12 November 2010 6:09

oh yes!..didn't I already comment this?._.

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Wednesday 10 November 2010 9:04

ydi for not checking over your paper.

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Wednesday 10 November 2010 9:06

it happens..

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Wednesday 10 November 2010 13:04

awww puppy! <3