Work: Today, I was working the lighting for a drama production. In... - FML

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was working the lighting for a drama production. In the last scene, two characters realize they are in love and kiss, then the stage goes dark. I mixed up my settings, and instead of a blackout, flashing party lights started going off. 300 people turn around to stare at me. FML

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Proactive

Temporarily Embarrassed Millionaires

Creepy

By notmansbestfriend - United States - Williamsburg

Today, I was stuck on the toilet for hours after eating some questionable seafood. During this time, I watched through the open door as my dog destroyed the nice shoes I just bought, as well as the tux I rented for my sister's wedding. The wedding is in 12 hours. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had my new girlfriend over for dinner. Halfway through the meal, my dad started poking her with his fork. When I asked him what the hell he was doing, he barked back, "Just making sure she isn't a blow-up doll!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time. In his front room was a giant parrot. Hoping to impress them, I went over to the bird and began talking to it proving I wasn't scared. Out of nowhere, it's beak clenched onto my nose making it gush blood on the carpet. I was hospitalized. FML

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By T1A2Z3

Today, right before sex, with his dick out and the condom in one hand, the guy I was with answered a phone call from his mum. FML

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By ouch - United States

Today, my sister told me that she read that the pain of giving birth is equal to the pain of breaking 20 bones at once. I'm 19 weeks pregnant. FML

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By Well then

Today, I realised that the only thing that's got fucked since I started uni is my sleep cycle. FML

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By jeanstein

Today, I got a call from this drunk man, asking for Celeste. Since I don't know any Celestes, I told him that he had the wrong number. He kept calling for her. Apparently he can't take a hint that she didn't give him her real number, and I get to deal with him. FML

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By bloody hell - Philippines - Para?aque

Today, my sister and I had a fight. In her rage, she threw piles of dirty laundry at me. One of her bloody panties hit me on the face. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mother found a hickey on my neck. Not believing that it was from the hungry 2-month-old child I was holding, she confronted my boyfriend about it. He promptly accused me of cheating. FML

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By Forever Alone - Canada - Toronto

Today, I found out that my mom bet my dad $100 that she could pay my boyfriend ten bucks to break up with me. She is now $90 richer. FML

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By backfat

Baby Got Back

Today, while in bed, my fiancé rolled over in the dark and complimented me on my nice buttocks. He had actually grabbed a roll of back fat. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Portland

Today, my parents have kept their bet going about not turning the heat on all season. I woke up this morning to it being the same temperature inside as it was outside. It's snowing out there. FML

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By cabatt

Today, I'm a chef and I had a new set of knives delivered. My boss says to me, ''Be careful with your new knives, they're going to be sharp. You don't want to cut your nail off.'' Not 2 minutes later I chop my whole nail off my right index. He jinxed me. FML

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By DrawingWaves - United States - Woodland Hills

Today, my girlfriend tried to hook me up with a guy. It's the second time it happened since I met her. FML

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By Raaaaaaarrrrrr - United States

Today, I bought a CD off a man who always plays Spanish guitar in the subway. When I got to work and tried playing the CD, it was blank. I paid $15 for a blank CD. FML

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By Ryuuchild666

Today, I bought a 3 lb bag of pears. The first two bites were delicious! The third bite revealed a worm and its thousands of eggs. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Weston

Today, I thought it would be nice to park my new car under a big, shady oak tree to prevent it from heating up in the sun. The big, shady oak tree thought it would be nice to shed a massive branch on top of my new car. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my very traditional grandmother has decided it's time for me to get married to Kevin. She's called half the town and informed them of the good news. I'm 17. I've never met Kevin. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was pulled over. The cop seemed very familiar. Turns out he was a relative of mine whom I haven't spoken to in a very long time. We had decent conversation and caught up. He still gave me a ticket. FML

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By spasti-cunt - Ireland

Today, I was on my way to my first job interview in months. I wasn't even halfway to the place when a bunch of cockbites in a car drove past and hurled a bucket of paint out the window, drenching me and several other people on the street. FML

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By Bad Parent

Today, I received a visit from a social worker. My son told his teacher I was starving him, all because I refused to let him eat pizza and ice cream for breakfast. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my window got busted and won't shut properly. I live in a college dorm room and maintenance says they can't fix it for a couple of days. It's below freezing in my dorm and I can see my breath while trying sleep. FML

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By kylie18xx21 - United States

Today, I had to leave my ACT prep class ten minutes in to pick up my drunken father from his best friend's baby shower. I picked him up along with a bill for the damage. FML

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By Sick - Canada

Today, I stayed home, sick in bed. I had been sleeping on my arms. I got up quickly to grab the phone. My numb left arm rocketed and punched me in the (now cut) lip, which threw me off balance, making me smash my (now bloody) nose off of the headboard. It was a telemarketer. FML

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By MissBeEyeTeeSeeH - Canada

Today, It was pretty nice out, so I decided to walk to work. Not twenty minutes after leaving, it started to pour. I was soaking when I got there and had to change. My boyfriend works next door, so I asked him if he could give me a ride. His reply? "Sorry Babe, I just can't be seen with you like that." FML

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By Anonymous - 19/12/2020 16:58 - Germany

Haunted house

Today, I jumped when, after being home alone for days, I suddenly saw the door handle move. Apparently, the cats weren't happy about being locked out of the kitchen and were pretty close to figuring things out. FML

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By mr_loveless - United States

Today, I got married on Skyrim. To an elf. While in real life, my love life is floundering like a half-dead carp in the surf on a hot day. So much so in fact that I actually draw a measure of comfort from being married to an elf. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Smell good

Today, I was doing the laundry and changing the bed sheets. I found most of my underwear under my step daughters bed, when I asked her, she said that she liked the way they smelled. FML

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By Puick - France - Sonchamp

Today, I went to a party organised by my ex. I was the last to sit down, after looking at the nametags on all 50+ chairs. That's how I realised the chair labelled "Fuckface" was mine; the one located between her parents' seats. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Chelsea

Today, my boyfriend went down on me with whiskey in his mouth. It felt like my genitals were on fire. FML

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By bertthelamb - United States

Today, I spent $20 on a spray tan, $30 to have my make up done, and $50 on a pretty new dress all for a special date with my boyfriend. It turns out I spent $100 just to get dumped. FML

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By love_today - Canada

Today, I got called a f***ing b**ch by one of my students. I teach kindergarten. FML

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By =( - Australia

Today, once again I tried to convince my dad to stop smoking. And once again, while I was speaking, he lit up a cigarette and smoked until my asthma flared up and I was wheezing so hard that I had to leave the room. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, my boyfriend was entertaining himself by shoving tampons up his nose and seeing how far across the bed he could blow them. This man is the father of my son. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my girlfriend chooses extra shifts at work over hanging out with me. Every time. She doesn't even like her job. FML

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By notamum - Australia - Belmont

Today, I was babysitting my 4-month-old niece at the park, when a woman came up to me and said, "Don't worry, dear. You'll get your figure back soon." FML

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By Snurkles - Canada

Today, it's my birthday. I got a phone call from my high school bully, to remind me that he'll always be able to find me and do whatever he wants to me. He does this every year. I turn 34 today. FML

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By ScaryOldMan - United States

Today, while trying to sleep, I kept hearing this groan/scream for help for about an hour. I decided to call 911 to send someone to investigate. Police came, I received a $100 parking fine and another citation for improper use of 911. The noise? Just a dog howling. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Today, I folded a stack of 2,500 brochures for the new exhibit we're putting on at the museum where I work. As I was finishing up, I got an email. The dates have just been changed, so all the brochures have to be reprinted and refolded. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Miami

Today, I invited my deadbeat dad over for dinner, hoping we could resolve our issues and build a proper relationship. Just minutes after he arrived, I caught him stealing money from my purse. He actually said I owe him for raising me. He ditched my mom and me when I was 5. FML

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Top comments

By Maddoctor | 10

#457587 - Wednesday 5 August 2009 1:19

Well at least it was a dramatic finish!

By greenltrn2003 | 0

#457606 - Wednesday 5 August 2009 1:23

fuck the drama lets party!!!!!!!!!

COMMENTS

By Maddoctor | 10

#457587 - Wednesday 5 August 2009 1:19

Well at least it was a dramatic finish!

Reply

bloodthorn | 4

#457674 - Wednesday 5 August 2009 1:38

YDI for being a theater fag. i hope you fucking die

emo cunt

Reply

fucklifeee | 0

#457912 - Wednesday 5 August 2009 3:14

What are you even saying? He wasn't even in the play; he was working the lights. Moron.

Reply

#458135 - Wednesday 5 August 2009 5:19

Dramatic and kind of fun. I would've gotten a huge kick out of that.

And I have every intention of raising my children as "theatre fags". They tend to be nonjudgemental and happy with their lives so they don't have to take their own misery out on others.

Reply

Scotland_111 | 0

#458169 - Wednesday 5 August 2009 5:32

Sounds like a bright idea to me

Maybe it made the play more enlightening

Reply

lisaledger | 0

#458805 - Wednesday 5 August 2009 13:38

BAHHAHA
YEAH
HES THE EMO ONE
AND YOUR NAME IS
"BLOOD THORN"
YEAH GOOD ONE.
OMG.
YOURE HELL COOL INSULTING SOMEONE ONLINE.

oh and, after the lights went all trippy, did you all mosh?

Reply

Maddoctor | 10

#461606 - Thursday 6 August 2009 7:46

Well if you guys have read some of bloodthorn's other comments, s/he's not too polite. In fact s/he's quite a bitch/asshole. Oh well...someone's gotta do it I guess.

By caancoha | 0

#457591 - Wednesday 5 August 2009 1:20

What could be better? Just say you thought the play was too dramatic.

By T123skater | 0

#457603 - Wednesday 5 August 2009 1:23

You are my hero.

By greenltrn2003 | 0

#457606 - Wednesday 5 August 2009 1:23

fuck the drama lets party!!!!!!!!!

Reply

gemstar_fml | 0

#457647 - Wednesday 5 August 2009 1:32

#5 was pretty damn hilarious :)

Reply

netfreak | 0

#457716 - Wednesday 5 August 2009 1:49

haha yeah!

Reply

iluvu21396 | 0

#457859 - Wednesday 5 August 2009 2:48

LMAO ttly rite #5

By bella_lynn | 0

#457607 - Wednesday 5 August 2009 1:23

Haha, too funny. at least you lightened things up a bit.

Reply

Pan22 | 0

#457756 - Wednesday 5 August 2009 2:05

OMG A PUN!!!! YOU JUST WON THE INTERNETS!

Reply

tpag3r | 0

#457974 - Wednesday 5 August 2009 3:43

AAHAHAH your so punny=]

By pathetictwin | 0

#457611 - Wednesday 5 August 2009 1:23

7th!

Reply

thewhiteninja | 0

#1102410 - Saturday 17 July 2010 21:52

I'm don't think this is an Fml... this is an epic win!

By pinkishgirl | 0

#457612 - Wednesday 5 August 2009 1:24

#5 ftw.

By gettheshot | 0

#457615 - Wednesday 5 August 2009 1:24

Quick! Blame the equipment! Then act like it's all part of the plan.

Reply

VolleyballSMASH | 1

#1220595 - Wednesday 11 August 2010 4:14

It really doesn't matter OP, everyone thinks it is a tech glitch anyway. Don't dwell on it.

By kyasariin | 0

#457616 - Wednesday 5 August 2009 1:24

That's actually kind of cool!!!!

By TypeAway | 0

#457620 - Wednesday 5 August 2009 1:26

HAHA LOL
Oh well , it could be like the fireworks for kissing ;)