Kids and Health: Today, I found out that, while not exactly probable, it is definitely... - FML

By Anonymous - 20/11/2017 06:00

Today, I found out that, while not exactly probable, it is definitely possible to squirt yourself in the eye with breast milk. It burns. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 138

You deserved it 508

Taking stock

Broken heart

Our house, in the middle of our street

By dormeur - 18/01/2013 11:39 - France - Malakoff

Today, as usual, my cat was sleeping on my stomach. I couldn't fall asleep so I delicately picked him up and put him down next to me. He got up, hopped back onto me, gave me a slap and then went back to sleep on my stomach. I didn't dare move all night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 662

You deserved it 15 803

By Muralove - 14/05/2015 02:55 - United States - Matawan

Today, my friends told me they will be unable to attend my birthday party on Friday because they'll be watching the Vampire Diaries finale. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 509

You deserved it 3 464

By that girl - 08/04/2014 23:06 - United States - Bessemer

Spicy

Today, I was feeling horny, so I told my boyfriend, who lives 30 minutes away, that "I really needed him". He replied, "Did you fall in the toilet again?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 154

You deserved it 12 594

By emilygreeny - 18/06/2010 05:42 - United States

Today, I learned that you should never, ever, under any circumstance, take a laxative and a sleeping pill on the same night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 445

You deserved it 56 988

By siikman313 - 12/09/2011 21:37 - United States

Today, my mom put me in an anger management class because I said "crap." FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 511

You deserved it 3 932

By Raprotcommander - 07/02/2011 15:47 - United States

Today, I used my AA handbook as a beer coaster. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 270

You deserved it 54 219

By MSURebel70 - 16/07/2010 23:48 - United States

Today, I found out I've been incorrectly sorting thousands of papers for the past two weeks. My boss wanted them sorted by date, but the co-worker who instructed me said to sort them into alphabetical order just to watch me fail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 859

You deserved it 3 342

By neverdoingthatagain - 27/02/2016 03:35 - United States - Pottstown

Today, my wife's pregnancy hormones made her extremely horny. The doctor said that intercourse during pregnancy was very healthy, so we decided to do it. Let's just say that the bumpy ride didn't help her morning sickness. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 207

You deserved it 2 092

By dragynfyre - 06/03/2012 05:37 - United States

Today, my boss called me out for a drug test. His reason was because my eyes are puffy and bloodshot, making me look high. I've been suffering from allergies all week, but still had to pee in a cup in front of a complete stranger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 817

You deserved it 2 118

Manchild

By Anonymous - 02/11/2021 05:00

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend of 5 years thought it would be funny to squat above my head completely naked while I was sleeping. When I woke up, his asshole and ball sack was in my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 143

You deserved it 243

That's gonna cost ya!

By Anonymous - 04/08/2021 15:01 - United States - Steele

Today, I accidentally stepped on the metal prongs of an extension cord. After pulling it out of my sock, I noticed that all three of the prongs were covered in blood; they penetrated my foot. It bled like a gunshot wound for several minutes, and now my foot is unbearably sore, making it painful to walk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 951

You deserved it 139

By Anonymous - 30/10/2011 16:57 - United States

Today, I was called ugly and viciously ridiculed by a couple of teenage girls. They were wearing uggs and vests that made them look like a freak-show of bleached pomeranians. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 797

You deserved it 3 152

Star Bores

By theDarkandtheLight - 11/06/2017 20:00

Today, my boyfriend and I binged Star Wars. Now he keeps talking about how the Empire is superior to the Republic, digging up Reddit threads / YouTube videos / expressing his own political ideas to convince me of this. I just wanted to watch the movies. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 616

You deserved it 581

By Anonymous - 11/12/2009 07:23 - Australia

Today, I was doing a study on homeless people and how they manage to stay alive on the streets. Turns out the one I was studying today was given more money than I make in a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 343

You deserved it 2 926

By lindaf - 02/06/2018 20:30

Today, I made roast beef with mashed potatoes and green beans for dinner. My 8-year-old daughter was crying and gagging the whole time, and eventually said between sobs, "Can't you just beat me and send me to bed hungry instead?" I have no clue where she got that idea from. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 065

You deserved it 421

By tired - 16/01/2013 19:02 - United States - Boston

Today, I walked up sixteen flights of stairs to my room to avoid the lift lines. When I was almost to the top, the fire alarm sounded. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 518

You deserved it 3 780

By DocDog - 24/03/2017 02:00

Today, my grandmother threatened to write me out of her will because I refused to believe that dogs can perform the Heimlich Manoeuvre. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 626

You deserved it 477

By nic - 01/04/2009 20:06 - United States

Today, for April fools I decided to set off the smoke detectors in my friend's apartment while he was sleeping and saran wrap the outside of his bedroom doorway so he would smack into it. Instead, he jumped out the window and broke his leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 722

You deserved it 120 284

By Anonymous - 29/05/2013 04:32 - United States - Sparta

Today, I went to the Doctor's for a mole my husband had said was, "growing and changing color". It turned out to be a wood tick. My husband knew, but said it was too "icky" to take off himself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 529

You deserved it 7 756

By Anonymous - 06/11/2012 18:29 - United States - Monson

Today, I started my new job as the only IT tech for my office. My first task: untangling the hundred mice the previous tech tied together for "fun". FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 781

You deserved it 1 774

Sounds nice

By sugarbeet - 04/12/2011 01:39 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was at my job as a bartender where I had to listen to a 40-something man with no legs drunkenly explain just how much he loves nipples. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 104

You deserved it 3 923

By Loser - 13/09/2016 12:10 - Germany - Neuburg

Today, following a 6-hour roundtrip after having lost both games from a baseball doubleheader, I was pleasantly surprised to see that my 4-year-old son was still up. After updating him on the day's results, he went off to bed with the words, "Good night, loser." FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 862

You deserved it 1 227

By Anonymous - 01/02/2018 19:00

Today, because I left my wallet at home, I got arrested for "underage smoking." I'm 32 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 679

You deserved it 658

By Anonymous - 01/01/2016 10:33 - United States - Antioch

Today, my girlfriend furiously bitched me out because I got more upset about my phone screen cracking than when she told me about the death of her cat. We hadn't even met when her cat died. Did she expect me to burst into tears from hearing the story? Guess who's single again! FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 033

You deserved it 3 425

By Anonymous - 24/01/2014 21:02 - United Kingdom - Broxburn

Today, my mum decided that having the flu and being too lazy to go upstairs to the bathroom is a valid excuse to shit in a jug instead. 5ML

I agree, your life sucks 44 940

You deserved it 3 587

And I oop

By porkers gonna pork :\ - 12/03/2016 15:09 - Australia - Elsternwick

Today, I met one of my fiancé's coworkers. Normally I'd never ask how far along someone's pregnancy is without being 100% sure they're not just fat, but she seemed fit. Well, I now know that virtually all the fat in some people's bodies can go straight to their gut and nowhere else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 763

You deserved it 6 282

By Anonymous - 30/07/2013 23:19 - United States - Crystal Lake

Today, I took a run in the woods. Almost halfway through, I started to feel like I was going to faint. I was so dizzy that my sight was getting blurry. I went to sit down on what seemed like a rock. It wasn't a rock. It was a huge snapping turtle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 467

You deserved it 6 068

By Me myself & I - 19/04/2016 01:09 - United States - Columbus

Today, my parents said they know I don't do drugs or drink because I have no friends to do drugs or drink with. They are right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 757

You deserved it 2 011

By Magicfml - 05/02/2017 20:00 - United States - Toledo

Today, I learned that my boyfriend is a better pole dancer than I am, despite daily practice. This was his first time trying it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 238

You deserved it 1 001

By angry asthmatic - 22/12/2018 14:00 - United States - Ann Arbor

Today, we had an emergency lockdown in my gym class. As a result, we had to go into the boys' locker room, so naturally, it smelled like a fart in there. Some dumbass had a "brilliant" idea to spray a WHOLE FUCKING CAN OF AXE SPRAY in the locker room. I have asthma. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 443

You deserved it 213

By DramaticSigh - 15/08/2011 05:00 - United States

Today, at work, a customer came in. Since I was behind the counter, I asked if she needed help with anything. I've worked there for five years, and I didn't recognize my own boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 589

You deserved it 35 629

By save me - 30/05/2014 22:33 - Belgium - Antwerpen

Today, things got so bad with my mother-in-law that I seriously considered faking my entire family's deaths to escape it all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 622

You deserved it 4 711

Horndogs

By bullah007 - 28/11/2014 18:43 - Pakistan - Lahore

Spicy

Today, my friend made a fake account on Facebook, pretending to be a girl, and posted my phone number on a sexting group. I've been getting calls and text messages from horny weirdos all day long. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 866

You deserved it 4 402

By sunny_funny - 23/03/2017 19:00 - Cyprus - Nicosia

Today, I'm on a residential trip for 4 days with 72 children, 5 other staff and 72 sets of parents who want to be on the phone to me constantly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 655

You deserved it 445

By cavgirl - 12/04/2009 22:40 - United States

Today, the guy that I like took me on to the Cavaliers game. At the game, on the jumbotron they do a thing where they show couples and have them kiss, the camera goes on to us and as I go into kiss him he turns and says "not in this lifetime". The entire stadium got to see me get rejected. FML

I agree, your life sucks 146 132

You deserved it 11 212

Rest in Piss

By Anonymous - 18/02/2021 07:30

Today, more of my friends celebrated Rush Limbaugh's death than celebrated when I won a national award two years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 632

You deserved it 330

By jason - 24/04/2009 13:24 - United States

Today, I came home to find a car parked in my assigned space. Pissed off, I left a note on the car's windshield saying, "Hey Assface, thanks for parking in my spot. I spat on your door handle." It turns out it was my girlfriend's parent's car. They took us out to dinner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 257

You deserved it 76 570

It's better than nothing, I suppose

By thatonekid - 06/05/2009 22:04 - United States

Today, my dad texted me, "I love u." I replied, "I love you too dad... are you drunk?" He answers back, "Of course I am..." My dad only tells me he loves me when he's drunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 953

You deserved it 5 164

By Anonymous - 05/03/2012 00:59 - Australia

Today, I had to ask my mum not to meditate while driving. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 563

You deserved it 2 135

Weak

By Heavybreather - 13/02/2017 12:00 - United States - Athens

Today, after climbing 5 flights of stairs I walked into the restroom to take a piss. I was winded but trying to keep my heavy breathing to a minimum. My plan failed when I almost fainted inbetween two guys at the urinal and started gasping for air. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 823

You deserved it 1 102

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Top comments

RichardPencil 30

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Monday 20 November 2017 6:25

Pro tip: it’s a lot easier if you pump the breast milk, put it in a bottle and then use that to squirt it in your own eye. You’re welcome in advance!

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Monday 20 November 2017 9:02

When I had my first child, I was amazed by how many different directions the milk would squirt. And it's also amazing how sticky it is, which is probably why it burned. Should come with a warning: "Not intended for intra-ocular use. "

Comments

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Monday 20 November 2017 6:17

Bullseye!

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Monday 20 November 2017 6:18

The same reason why people don't check if their muzzle is clear by looking in it.

RichardPencil 30

Send a private message

Monday 20 November 2017 6:25

Pro tip: it’s a lot easier if you pump the breast milk, put it in a bottle and then use that to squirt it in your own eye. You’re welcome in advance!

Send a private message

Monday 20 November 2017 9:02

When I had my first child, I was amazed by how many different directions the milk would squirt. And it's also amazing how sticky it is, which is probably why it burned. Should come with a warning: "Not intended for intra-ocular use. "

RichardPencil 30

Send a private message

Monday 20 November 2017 9:23

Sounds like the text of the least sexy boob tattoo ever!

Joshua Hutcheson 5

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Monday 20 November 2017 11:25

Protip: Your baby will more than likely scratch their sensitive face with their razor nails. Put breastmilk on it and it will heal faster.

tacosaurus121314 6

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Wednesday 22 November 2017 9:07

it's also good for cradle cap! And dry skin in general

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Monday 20 November 2017 23:44

Glad I'm not a woman

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Tuesday 21 November 2017 5:44

Someone, somewhere, has discovered that this is their fetish.

Send a private message

Tuesday 21 November 2017 18:11

They must be perky.! Safety goggles next time.

Nearly

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24

You deserved it 16

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64

You deserved it 17

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend has spent all morning claiming there’s nothing to do when it’s raining outside. Sex is always an option, but he’s missed all my hints, including stripping naked and kissing him, because he thought I was on my way to get a shower instead of trying to fuck him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 445

You deserved it 128

Today, I found out I’m going to be a father, twice over, with two different women. Sisters, in fact. Only one of those sisters is my wife. Should I flee abroad, or walk calmly towards the firing squad straight away? FML

I agree, your life sucks 139

You deserved it 2 635