Kids and Health: Today, I found out that, while not exactly probable, it is definitely... - FML

By Anonymous

Today, I found out that, while not exactly probable, it is definitely possible to squirt yourself in the eye with breast milk. It burns. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3127

You deserved it

504

Tweet

Share

The smell detective is on the case

Corporate ass

Kick the bum out, part 2

By Anonymous - 22/9/2020 02:02

Preventive measures

Today, I was minding my own business when the guy I have a crush on sat down next to me at work, explained that he heard that I had a crush on him and that he was flattered, but that we should "be friends" because I'm a "nice girl". I was rejected by someone I didn't even pursue. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1378

You deserved it

114

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Mansfield

Today, my wife brought my 5-year-old daughter to visit me at the office. My boss has a speech impediment, and when she heard it, she exclaimed, "Hey my daddy can sound just like you! Show him daddy! Show him!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

22017

You deserved it

44127

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, I accidentally superglued my hand to my grandmother's ornate fan while trying to fix it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3371

You deserved it

795

Tweet

Share

By Username

Today, I called a possible employer I had an interview with about a week ago to see if I had got the job that I have already been trained for. Her response? "Are you sure I interviewed you?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

30465

You deserved it

3027

Tweet

Share

By burrito kid - United States - Mount Pleasant

Today, as I was taking the driver's test to get my license, I backed into a car. It belonged to the instructor sitting in my passenger seat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6996

You deserved it

2516

Tweet

Share

By apparentlyunattractive - United States

Today, someone left a note on my car, saying "You're gorgeous. Call me. #######." I called the number and they said they saw me in the store I was in, telling me "You were the ONLY attractive person in there." We decided to meet up. He walks over, I say hi, he says "I think I put my number on the wrong car." FML

I agree, your life sucks

60893

You deserved it

7424

Tweet

Share

By Natalie - Canada

Today, I discovered that my sister coloured in the pages of my college text books with Sharpie as revenge. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25342

You deserved it

5215

Tweet

Share

By killer - Latvia

Today, I went to see a fortune teller. She said one of my closest friends will die soon because of me. Frightened I hurried home to avoid meeting anyone I know. At home I found my goldfish floating on its back. Apparently I forgot to feed my closest friend for the past 3 days. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17754

You deserved it

59820

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 1/1/2021 01:01 - United States - Atoka

Leave spiders alone

Today, I took a stick lighter and used it to set a large spider on fire to kill it, as stepping on it could possibly release its babies if it were a momma. I ignited more than the spider, and had to call the fire department. FML

I agree, your life sucks

166

You deserved it

1718

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 8/10/2020 02:01

Threesome weirdness

Today, my roommate informed me that I need to move out, due to me having sex with his boyfriend. Even though he gave us permission, and told us to use protection. FML

I agree, your life sucks

513

You deserved it

1042

Tweet

Share

By Twilightsux - United States

Today, I found out that my girlfriend had replaced our picture in her locket for a picture of Taylor Lautner shirtless. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38172

You deserved it

6110

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, I moved back to a small town after 4 years in the city. I was looking forward to getting away from the light pollution until I woke up in the middle of the night, peered into the pitch black void above my head, and had a panic attack. I need a night light at 23. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3855

You deserved it

859

Tweet

Share

By ridella

Today, I was in the emergency room. The doctor told me that my injuries and back problems are the intensity of those after a car accident. I slipped on a grape. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40720

You deserved it

5450

Tweet

Share

By Bad at life

Today, I pulled a muscle in my face. Chewing gum. For the second time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2024

You deserved it

589

Tweet

Share

By Coldsnap - Sweden

Today, my father tricked me into eating a Tasmanian habanero, saying it was just another pepper. The burning in my mouth was unbearable, but nothing compared to when I took a shit later in the day. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35726

You deserved it

4997

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me for not letting her keep the 75 cents that she stole from my truck. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23148

You deserved it

50826

Tweet

Share

By obsessed - United States

Today, I kissed my iced over window to know what kissing Edward Cullen would be like. My neighbor saw. My first reaction was to come up with a cover story. I licked the window and wiped my sleeve over it to look like I was cleaning it. My neighbor came over later and gave me an early Christmas gift. Windex. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9223

You deserved it

89117

Tweet

Share

By fabz - South Africa - Cape Town

Today, my boss confirmed he is a micro-managing asshole. We walked into the office together and I turned on the lights. He switched them off and switched them on again, just to make sure that I did it right. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24951

You deserved it

1632

Tweet

Share

By Shrimpy

Today my girlfriend and her 3 friends walked in on me doing a solo performance on myself. They stood their quietly and videoed it unknown to me. And then afterwards laughed and made fun of how small I am. And to make it worse forwarded the video to everyone. Now everyone calls me shrimp. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2992

You deserved it

470

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Saint Louis

Today, I was going to the bathroom at work. When I stood up, I noticed a little button on the side. I pressed it and the toilet flushed. I've worked there for nine months and just found out today that our toilets don't flush automatically. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26791

You deserved it

47623

Tweet

Share

By no snow day - United States - Round Lake

Today, like every day, I had to walk to my bus stop. The only difference today is there was snow and ice over everything. Not only did I slip and fall, soaking both myself and the contents of my bag, the bus driver saw me there at the bus stop and drove straight past. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47126

You deserved it

4009

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Sweden - Kristianstad

Today, while I was waiting for the train, a woman sat next to me. Her dog jumped up between us and I started petting it. She took this to mean we were now close enough for her to tell me in detail about her experience so far going through the menopause. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39959

You deserved it

4409

Tweet

Share

By hobbled - United States

Today, from across the parking lot, I saw a woman break into my car and steal my "Handicapped parking" placard. Guess why I couldn't stop her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38141

You deserved it

1992

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, I tried to get the day off because of snow and ice on the roads, which had already caused 2 accidents close to my house. My boss just called me a useless millennial, fired me, and hung up the phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4252

You deserved it

1257

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had a conference with my dad, my counselor, and my history and English teachers because my dad was "concerned" about my grades in those two classes. We talked for a while and it was going well, then my counselor asked what I wanted to study in college. I said I wanted to be a teacher. He laughed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25725

You deserved it

4655

Tweet

Share

By Wolf - Trinidad and Tobago

Today, while sitting next to me, my boyfriend sends a text to one of his "friends" saying "I'm thinking of you". FML

I agree, your life sucks

26350

You deserved it

2331

Tweet

Share

By Reena - Canada

Today, I got woken up by a text from an unknown number at 3 am saying, "haha I found your number." I ignored it and tried to go back to sleep. After hours of trying to fall asleep, my drowsiness was disturbed by another text from the same person saying, "Sorry, wrong number." FML

I agree, your life sucks

29552

You deserved it

4211

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 15/10/2020 20:01

No chuds, thanks

Today, I found the Instagram account belonging to the guy I've been seeing. That's how I found out he's one of those nitwit asshole Proud Boys. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1161

You deserved it

357

Tweet

Share

By ...... - United States

Today, I was talking with my uncle, when the subject of my abusive mother-in-law came up. He assured me he'd talk to her and straighten things out. Apparently this means posting on her Facebook wall threatening to "pimp-slap a bitch" if she doesn't get her "fat ass out of family business". FML

I agree, your life sucks

30172

You deserved it

3725

Tweet

Share

By Ricky - Canada

Today, in order to look nice for a date, I tried the new blue mouthwash that turns plaque blue so you know where to brush. I couldn't get all the blue. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20279

You deserved it

47720

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, I needed some contact lens solution, so I left my room to look in my sister's room to see if she had any. I walked in to see my mom sucking my dad off on her bed. They didn't see me so I walked away, but the image is engraved in my mind forever now. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4004

You deserved it

474

Tweet

Share

By Sawarski - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I took a nap on my couch. She used my arm as a pillow, and everything was pretty peaceful, until she moved over and practically dislocated my shoulder. My screams of pain woke her, which was apparently an "asshole move" on my part. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32568

You deserved it

3280

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I left for college. I spent hundreds of dollars on clothes, bedding and other things. After packing my entire closet and everything else I needed, I left only to have to head back home. My dad forgot to pay the first semesters tuition. He said "Oh well, you would have failed out anyway." FML

I agree, your life sucks

56639

You deserved it

3869

Tweet

Share

By nato - United States

Today, my boss called me Dave. Now everyone actually thinks my name is Dave. It's Nathan. I've been working there for 2 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28181

You deserved it

2324

Tweet

Share

By Lt. Dan - 10/12/2020 05:01 - Germany - Castrop-rauxel

Management

Today, I told my boss to choose between A and B, with A achieving his longterm goal, and B producing a quick win, but not leading to anywhere near A. He told me to come with a "hybrid" approach." FML

I agree, your life sucks

681

You deserved it

145

Tweet

Share

By floppy - Australia

Today, my house caught fire and almost burned down. My neighbour, who has always hated me, came up, patted me on the back, and said, "That sucks for you." FML

I agree, your life sucks

1649

You deserved it

110

Tweet

Share

By pixkalexi - United States - North Easton

Today, I have an upset stomach. Every other minute, it sounds like Chewbacca is screaming to get out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39929

You deserved it

4838

Tweet

Share

By bman - Australia - Sydney

Today, I caught myself staring at my grandmother's cleavage. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11908

You deserved it

50046

Tweet

Share

By bonedregardless - United States

Today, at my cashier job, I got written up for accepting obviously photocopied coupons. Last week, I got written up for "inadequate customer service" because I refused to accept the same bogus coupons from the same customer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48528

You deserved it

2416

Tweet

Share

By Tyr88 - Australia - Blakehurst

The first step is admitting you have a problem: take away is bad for you.

Today, I opened my fridge. It's entire contents: half a takeaway meal and 4 bottles of wine. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4474

You deserved it

1544

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By RichardPencil | 30

#7565948 - Monday 20 November 2017 6:25

Pro tip: it’s a lot easier if you pump the breast milk, put it in a bottle and then use that to squirt it in your own eye.

You’re welcome in advance!

By katluvr | 22

#7565968 - Monday 20 November 2017 9:02

When I had my first child, I was amazed by how many different directions the milk would squirt. And it's also amazing how sticky it is, which is probably why it burned. Should come with a warning: "Not intended for intra-ocular use. "

COMMENTS

By Madrias | 36

#7565943 - Monday 20 November 2017 6:17

Bullseye!

By Lobby_Bee | 17

#7565944 - Monday 20 November 2017 6:18

The same reason why people don't check if their muzzle is clear by looking in it.

By RichardPencil | 30

#7565948 - Monday 20 November 2017 6:25

Pro tip: it’s a lot easier if you pump the breast milk, put it in a bottle and then use that to squirt it in your own eye.

You’re welcome in advance!

By katluvr | 22

#7565968 - Monday 20 November 2017 9:02

When I had my first child, I was amazed by how many different directions the milk would squirt. And it's also amazing how sticky it is, which is probably why it burned. Should come with a warning: "Not intended for intra-ocular use. "

Reply

RichardPencil | 30

#7565970 - Monday 20 November 2017 9:23

Sounds like the text of the least sexy boob tattoo ever!

By Joshua Hutcheson | 5

#7565992 - Monday 20 November 2017 11:25

Protip: Your baby will more than likely scratch their sensitive face with their razor nails. Put breastmilk on it and it will heal faster.

Reply

tacosaurus121314 | 6

#7566715 - Wednesday 22 November 2017 9:07

it's also good for cradle cap! And dry skin in general

By Takegami | 22

#7566211 - Monday 20 November 2017 23:44

Glad I'm not a woman

By tonyfan00 | 38

#7566267 - Tuesday 21 November 2017 5:44

Someone, somewhere, has discovered that this is their fetish.

By bltoth | 8

#7566459 - Tuesday 21 November 2017 18:11

They must be perky.! Safety goggles next time.