Today, I was working in bed when my boyfriend stumbled in, drunk... - FML

By thishasbeenaverytellingnight

Today, I was working in bed when my boyfriend stumbled in, drunk as hell. He got on top of me saying he wanted sex. After a moment, he paused and said, “Sorry, I thought you were Stephen.” I’m a girl. Stephen is my father. FML

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Fear factor

Thanks for the miracle

Intense

By ooh cat - United States - Inglewood

Today, after weeks of sorting, inspecting, and waiting, my high school's yearbooks were distributed. I'd searched carefully for photo errors and was proud to say there were none. That is, until someone told me that a boy on the last page was flipping the camera the bird. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Tyrone

Today, my dad asked my brother not to use his shaver so late at night. That wasn't him, and it wasn't his shaver either. FML

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By JillianJuneBug

Mexican Standoff

Today, I had no choice but to use a public bathroom. I have issues going when there are others in the stalls, and apparently another person did as well. We both sat there in silence, waiting stubbornly for the other to give up and leave so we could go. It’s been 20 minutes. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/6/2020 20:08

Cash dispenser

Today, my daughter is engaged to her soon-to-be fifth husband. She's 32 and refuses to believe she's the problem in relationships, and she wants me to pay for this wedding. FML

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By please stay on the line

Today, I was sitting in the break room when my boss came in and yelled at me about a mistake. Because I've worked in customer service for years, I instinctively responded with, "I'm terribly sorry to hear that, sir. I hope you'll still consider us in the future." FML

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By Drom - Australia - Sydney

Today, I pushed my spinning clothesline around and walked off like a badass. A loose wire then whipped around the back of my head and caught me in the eye. I'm just so badass. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Jacksonville

Today, it marks the fourth month since my 15-year-old cousin asked me out, then started practically stalking me when I said no. It's also the fourth month of my parents and his constantly telling me to stop overreacting and that it's "just a phase." FML

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By Rolax - France

Today, my boyfriend came up with this thrillingly romantic proposal: “I’m paying way too much income tax. How about we get married?” FML

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By PollingLow - United States - Decatur

Today, I ran for editor-in-chief of a magazine. I spent hours working on my speech, and offered a bunch of new ideas to increase readership. My opponent just said that she, "loved the organization". I lost by a 4-1 margin. My opponent later announced her plans for next year. They were all of my ideas. FML

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By JulieKid - United States

Today, I stepped out of my car and slipped on a fresh coating of ice on the ground. I tried to catch myself by grabbing the car on my way down, but unfortunately, I was trying to grab with the hand that was holding my car keys. I key-scratched my own car. FML

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By the_music_major - United States

Today, I discovered my neighbors have bought a karaoke machine. FML

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By jane - Australia

Today, I was pretending to be a monkey for a "documentary". The branch snapped and I fell out of the tree and onto a car roof. It was after school, I fell onto the dean's BMW. The video was on facebook before I regained consciousness. FML

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By nude - United States

Today, I woke up in my boyfriend's dorm and decided to take a shower before he woke up. I used the girls bathroom on the above floor, and afterwards just threw on a towel and ran to the elevator. I forgot to press my boyfriend's floor and I was taken to the lobby in a towel. People were waiting. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my dad tried to help me overcome my intense fear of horses (due to nearly being killed by one as a child) by taking me to a ranch. Within 30 minutes, a horse bit my face. FML

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By pitytitty - United States - San Francisco

Today, I overheard my boyfriend bragging about me to his friends, telling them I have a great smile, cute hair, and very perky tits. This wouldn't be so bad if we weren't both men. FML

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By alittlepersonal - United States - Lewis Center

Today, my mom decided to subtly bring up her desire for grandchildren. "You really need a girlfriend. I'm surprised you don't have a crippling case of Carpal Tunnel by now." FML

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By Goodie - United States

Today, I found out my ex bought a digital camera, an iPod, and a large flat-screen TV, all purchased with the alimony I'm paying him. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - North Andover

Today, my little sister decided it would be funny to bend my iPhone 6 like there's no tomorrow. FML

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By dieana - Canada - Lacombe

Today, I actually uttered the words: "Those are my good sweatpants." FML

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By I pick em' good - United States

Today, I found out why my husband has been coming home from work so late. Turns out he loves to help people. Specifically female people. And by help, I mean sleep with. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pleasanton

Today, my brother sent me an image by Skype, saying I really had to see it. I figured it was some kind of stupid joke, but I tried to look anyway. It wouldn't open. Turns out he thought he could just rename the ".exe" on a virus to ".jpg" and it would still run. My brother's a cretin. FML

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By kiran - United States

Today, I went to the post office and as I entered the building my car alarm went off. Thinking I'd accidentally pressed the alarm on my keys, I shut it off without looking. When I returned to my car, the passenger window was demolished and my purse with all my money was gone. FML

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By dumb4$$0rz - United States

Today, the grades for one of my courses were released. The class average was higher than that which the department allowed, so the professor had to scale everyone's marks down to meet the policy. I ended up failing because my class was too smart. FML

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By kk - United States

Today, the man next to me was feeding the birds when he ran out of food. We were at Adventure Island and there were "Do not feed the birds" signs everywhere. The birds then became aggressive and started savaging the both of us. FML

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By namehere34 - United States

Today, I found a diamond on the floor, which I could only assume was from one of my brother's cheap earrings. I was positive that it was fake. To prove it to myself, I ran it across my window, as they say only real diamonds cut glass. It's real. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/4/2020 08:00 - United Kingdom - Aldershot

Welcome to the world!

Today, I helped deliver the baby belonging to the woman my husband left me for. FML

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By sexxibxmami - United States

Today, my mom came over to visit and permed my hair. Ten minutes after she started, I told her it was burning. She told me to suck it up because it doesn't hurt that badly. I now have scabs all over my scalp, hairline, and nape. FML

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By nthor - United States

Today, a man on the train asked me if i had any change. I quickly responded with "no habla engles". He then tapped me on the shoulder and said "That would've been a lot more believable if you weren't reading that paper." FML

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By anon

Today, I walked in on one of my housemates pissing in the kitchen sink full of dirty dishes. FML

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By You'veHadTwoWeeksToTellMe - Australia - Melbourne

Today, one hour before bedtime on the last day of the school holidays, my kids informed me that they need art smocks for school. They have no idea why I'm frustrated. FML

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By Female Struggles - United States - Denver

Today, while I was waiting at the bus stop, a car that looked like my mom's pulled up. Thinking it was actually her, I walked up and jokingly asked what she was into. The guy inside now thinks that I'm a prostitute. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/10/2020 11:02 - United States

Pleased to meet you

Today, I was eating at a restaurant when a man came up to me and said, "You're pathetic for having lunch with someone that much older than you." My dad immediately got up and punched the man in the face. My fiancé's parents had to walk in the door right as it happened. FML

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By Pissy pants

Today, I had a horrible headache on my way home from lunch. I pulled over and vomited so forcefully I peed my pants, a lot. I had pee in my shoes. FML

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By Anonymous - Israel - Petah Tiqwa

Today, I was showing the Instagram of my crush to my cousin. He double-tapped the picture, thinking it would zoom it in. It was posted 5 months ago. FML

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By Out of Ice Cream - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. He did it over Snapchat because he said he didn't want to hear me sad over the phone and wanted to save data. Three years down the drain. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Tunkhannock

Today, I was working as a nurse, and an elderly man had just passed away. As the patient's wife was leaving she said, "Thank you for taking such good care of my husband." Then I, intending to say "Sorry for your loss," said "Thank you for your loss." FML

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By frustratedandunderpaid - Canada - Sackville

Today, at my place of work in a fast-food restaurant, a customer called in and bitched at me that her warm food was weirdly cold. That is, after she drove 45 minutes from the restaurant to her house. FML

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By lilrudegirl - France

Today, I found out that after working in the same office for five years, I now work with three of my husband's ex-girlfriends. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my entire school differentiates me from another girl in my grade with the same name by saying "No, she's the lesbian one." I'm straight. FML

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By her0x3her0ine617 - United States

Today, I received my camera in the mail. I had sent it back to the company because it wouldn't turn on. As I was reading the note they put in, it said, "Battery was put in backwards. No other problems found." FML

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Top comments

By Tripartita | 44

#7550131 - Sunday 8 October 2017 16:17

Relax, OP! Stephen is a very common name, so you’re probably being cheated on with somebody else.

By ragnarok1540 | 39

#7550129 - Sunday 8 October 2017 16:11

You can't really blame him. Stephen is one sexy DILF!

COMMENTS

By ragnarok1540 | 39

#7550129 - Sunday 8 October 2017 16:11

You can't really blame him. Stephen is one sexy DILF!

By Tripartita | 44

#7550131 - Sunday 8 October 2017 16:17

Relax, OP! Stephen is a very common name, so you’re probably being cheated on with somebody else.

By exileonmainst | 16

#7550139 - Sunday 8 October 2017 16:59

He could've been talking about Stephen Colbert, god knows that I have a man crush on him. Then again, your dad is pretty groovy too..

By Lobby_Bee | 17

#7550147 - Sunday 8 October 2017 17:37

He could be referring to Stephanie. Beware.

By BanjoCheeseGuy | 26

#7550176 - Sunday 8 October 2017 19:35

Damn, your father must be a King in bed!

Reply

Glowworm56 | 25

#7550195 - Sunday 8 October 2017 20:36

Okay, this comment made me laugh really hard.

By thatslifeiguess7 | 15

#7550186 - Sunday 8 October 2017 20:08

Omg call shameless that's an episode