Today, I was working as a lifeguard. A woman began to have a... - FML

By EpicFailAtItsFinest - United States

Today, I was working as a lifeguard. A woman began to have a seizure. Nervous, I went into shock and walked into a tree, knocking myself out. Post seizure, the woman stood up and walked away. Later, I woke up in the hospital. The ambulance had arrived to take her, but ended up taking me instead. FML

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No one likes a smart-ass

Persona non grata

Thanks, government

By daisythebunny1988 - 25/3/2020 05:15

Confinement is rough

Today, my mother is snoring so loud that I can still hear her with the door shut and with earplugs in. So much for sleep. FML

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By Hard in flip flops

Today, my dad walked in on me jerking off. It wouldn’t have been so bad if I wasn’t Skyping my boyfriend, while both of us were totally naked. I had just told him to “put those toes in your mouth and I’ll cum like you’ve never seen before”. FML

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By paige - United States

Today, my dad came home drunk and called me hot. FML

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By whatthewoah - United States

Today, I went to the bookstore. While I was in line, I heard everyone talking about how a book cart had gotten loose and rolled down the parking lot into a car, smashing the front. It was my car. FML

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By Pissed - United States - Newton Center

Today, I found out my boyfriend has been cheating on me. My dad noticed my depression and got me to tell him what was wrong. I told him everything, and trusting him to have an intelligent suggestion, I asked him what I should do. He shrugged and said, "Fuck, sue him, I dunno." FML

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By Alycat

Today, as it's my birthday, I was hoping for a nice present from my boyfriend. What did he get me? A PornHub account. FML

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By blakeintheoffice - United States

Today, my insane boss decided I poop too much. Now, every time I go to the bathroom, he follows me in and tries to get me to hurry up by reading passages from 50 Shades of Grey. FML

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By badtasteinmen - United States - Beaverton

Today, I finally got the courage to leave my controlling and manipulative ex. He took it well. And by "took it well", I mean he camped out my doorstep, held some of my belongings hostage, and tried to blackmail me into staying with him. FML

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By me - Canada - Orillia

Today, I got an inconvenient erection while at my girlfriends house, so I tried to think of something stupid to get rid of it. I tried thinking of Pokémon, which actually made me harder. FML

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By Ihatecleaning

Today, I found out from the doctor that I have a concussion. Was it from a wicked sports injury? No, my idiot brother decided to judo kick the door open while I was on the floor vacuuming the front carpet. FML

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By VoodooPriestess

Today, my boyfriend told me the reason he dated me was because he was lonely, and I looked lonely enough to like him. FML

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By Anonymous

On Target, almost

Today, I was walking through Target when I was pulled aside by a very attractive girl who began kissing me. She stopped, because I wasn't who she thought I was. Disappointed, I turned around to see her very angry, very large boyfriend behind me. FML

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By NotSatan

Today, my husband refuses to stop answering my phone calls with, "Haaaaail Satan!" FML

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By inthedark - Canada

Today, I found out why my five-year-old has been throwing tantrums while shopping. It turns out my ex-husband has been paying her three dollars for every public tantrum she throws. FML

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By SFra - United States

Today, I went to the Natural History Museum with my boyfriend. While we were standing in front of real dinosaur bones, he told me he didn't believe in dinosaurs. FML

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By unit - United States

Today, I finally got around to organizing my closet. Discarded clothes fell into three distinct categories: Too Small, Yellow Pits, Stained with Food. FML

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By Anon - United States - Southbury

Today, I was racing my friends to the car for shotgun in the parking lot at night. I opened the passenger door of the car to find an old lady staring at me. It was the wrong car. FML

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By Nxydolli - United Kingdom

Today, I found myself crying for an hour when my recreated crush on The Sims 3 game rejected my character and ran off with someone else. FML

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By peanuts - United States

Today, my dog is mad at me due to the fact that earlier in the day I ate 2 peanut butter cookies. Apparently, they were his dog treats. I had no idea. FML

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By ks.swan13

Today, I got a call about my dog who went missing a week ago. The guy who called said "We have your dog, but you aren't getting her back." Then he hung up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Denver

Today, I got a new skin cream for my acne. I tested it on a small patch of skin just to make sure I wasn't allergic. I was, and the reaction didn't stay on that small patch of skin. My left arm is now almost entirely covered in a horrible rash. FML

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By themcdave - United Kingdom - Cranfield

Today, I woke up early for an important team meeting I needed to attend. I washed, got changed, and sat down to eat breakfast... I then woke up again, an hour late and covered in cereal. FML

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By brokeaf - United States

Today, I received a $50 iTunes card for my birthday. I immediately sat down at my computer and starting buying all my newest favorites. Then I realized I never redeemed my card so the $50 was all charged to my account. FML

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By dangeronpa

Today, I broke my glasses. My eyesight is horrible, I can’t see things that aren’t super close to my face. I'm supposed to drive to another state tomorrow. FML

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By Kammy - United States

Today, my boyfriend and his family had invited me to go on a Tropical family trip with them. When we got to the airport, security stopped me and opened my carry-on bag. I'd forgotten about the no-liquids rule. They took out a bottle of Massage Oil, Lube, Vagasil and Nair. His whole family saw. FML

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By monster in law. - United States

Today, my mother-in-law gave me a toaster and a fork as a wedding gift. FML

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By jadalaheart - 28/12/2019 03:00 - United States - Citrus Heights

Distant love

Today, for the first time in more than two years, a guy asked me out. Too bad he lives halfway around the world. FML

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By Theboredone

Today, after a week on bed rest in a cast after ankle surgery, I got so bored and lonely I agreed to do an hour-long government phone survey just to have someone to talk to. FML

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By msnewyearseve - United States

Today, I woke up after a long night of partying. When I went to wash off my face, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. My missing tooth was almost enough to make me overlook my black eye. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my psycho stepmother and I got into an argument, and she started to get physical. After calling the police, and a cop showing up at the door, he took her side because she said it was "discipline". I'm a 29 year old man. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I sent a friend request on facebook to the only person I became friends with this semester at college. He denied me. FML

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By whytetrash - Australia - Newcastle

Today, my manager made me stay at work for an extra four hours, making me miss an urgent specialist appointment I'd scheduled months ago. Why? Because her neighbor's dog was having puppies, and she wanted to go home early and see them. FML

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By Preggie - Singapore

Today, a sweet old lady gave up her seat for me in the bus. She lectured to the entire bus that seats should be given to those in need, like myself who is heavily pregnant. I am just fat. FML

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By ouch - United States

Today, our electric horse fence broke. I turned it off so I could fix it. As I was grabbing the fence, my brother thought it would be hilarious to turn the fence back on. FML

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By Alex - United States

Today, I had to get out my birth certificate to prove to my dad that today is my birthday. This has happened before. FML

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By fack - United States - San Francisco

Today, my mom told me that when my sister and I were born, the first thing my dad said was, "I hope they don't turn out vegetarian." I did. FML

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By Sheezey - United States

Today, I went to the gym and worked out with a trainer. While doing arm exercises he commented on how impressed he was with the size of my triceps. That really boosted my self-confidence, until he leaned in to feel them and said, "Oh, it's just fat." FML

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By fuck - United Kingdom - Farnham

Today, I was browsing porn in my room, when my dad barged in. I quickly switched to another tab, only to see it was parked on another porn page. I had another browser window open, so I switched to that. More porn. My dad said, "Riiiggghhhttt... You need help, son." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I overheard my boss talking about me on the phone. Turns out he was drunk off his ass when he gave the go-ahead to hire me, and he's now searching for any excuse to legally fire me. FML

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By Anonymous

TFI Friday

Today, I started a new job. The hours are long, but I didn't mind as I could REALLY use the overtime. Turns out, they don't pay over time. I'm just expected to go "above and beyond for the company." FML

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Top comments

By Jessick_1 | 0

#107250 - Monday 13 April 2009 10:06

"Today, I had a seizure. I thought the lifeguard would save me but turns out they managed to knock themself out because they panicked. The ambulance took them to hospital, forgetting about me. FML"

Poor woman.

By SomeDude148 | 0

#107232 - Monday 13 April 2009 10:02

Maybe you should get a new job.

COMMENTS

By SomeDude148 | 0

#107232 - Monday 13 April 2009 10:02

Maybe you should get a new job.

By mf_fml | 0

#107234 - Monday 13 April 2009 10:02

at least the ambulance didn't waste a trip?

By markh110 | 0

#107235 - Monday 13 April 2009 10:02

Holy crap, lame! Hope you're feeling better :(

Reply

rkcraig53 | 0

#1339442 - Thursday 2 September 2010 17:40

Shoot the pussy! then wrap the pussy!

Reply

stormer461 | 13

#1490388 - Sunday 3 October 2010 7:54

For some reason while I was reading this I heard the generic "bonk" of a cartoon character getting hit in the head.

Reply

polarbearpiss | 15

#6060802 - Tuesday 9 September 2014 19:40

actully if you go into shock while being a life guard your not trained enough, imagine if a surgeon went into shock

By everyonehatesyou | 0

#107237 - Monday 13 April 2009 10:02

you walked into a tree, hahaha

Reply

pinkster2014 | 25

#5842190 - Tuesday 28 January 2014 21:31

This just reminded me of George of the Jungle... Watch out for that tree! xD

By Serial | 2

#107246 - Monday 13 April 2009 10:04

that's one tough tree

By Jessick_1 | 0

#107250 - Monday 13 April 2009 10:06

"Today, I had a seizure. I thought the lifeguard would save me but turns out they managed to knock themself out because they panicked. The ambulance took them to hospital, forgetting about me. FML"

Poor woman.

Reply

Mudkip101004 | 7

#6669705 - Thursday 11 August 2016 23:09

Listen, I know its been several years, but the fml clearly states her getting up and walking away after the seizure without any apparent harm.

By JBiz_fml | 0

#107252 - Monday 13 April 2009 10:08

You should look for another line of work.

@ #5 - Throw your computer out of the nearest window , then go to the nearest freeway and play chicken with a bus. You'll win , I swear.

By onigiriqueen | 0

#107253 - Monday 13 April 2009 10:08

...you walked into a tree? Really?

...some lifeguard.

By PureGold | 0

#107270 - Monday 13 April 2009 10:17

...how long have you been a lifeguard? Maybe it's not the right job for you :/

By because_im_bored | 0

#107272 - Monday 13 April 2009 10:18

Although #5 was a bit harsh, I do agree. You shouldn't be in a position where you are supposed to be protecting others' lives if you can't even deal with someone having a seizure. You're lucky she wasn't seriously injured.