Health: Today, I was working as a lifeguard. A woman began to have a... - FML

By EpicFailAtItsFinest - United States

Today, I was working as a lifeguard. A woman began to have a seizure. Nervous, I went into shock and walked into a tree, knocking myself out. Post seizure, the woman stood up and walked away. Later, I woke up in the hospital. The ambulance had arrived to take her, but ended up taking me instead. FML

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Dementia or hate? You decide

Tinder surprise

Puke is good for you

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I proudly presented my research project in class that I've worked for day and night for 3 weeks straight. My teacher fell asleep. FML

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By MIND BLOWING - Canada - Toronto

Today, after waking up from a drunken night, I realized the burning sensation I had from the lube during sex was because I used hand sanitizer. FML

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By Anonymous

Deliverance

Today, while at my family reunion, I learned my grandparents were first cousins. No wonder we're all crazy hillbillies. FML

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By E.S. - United States

Today, I had lunch with some important potential clients at a fancy restaurant. I really wanted to make a good impression. When the piano music stopped, I started clapping while looking around for the pianist. Apparently, it was a CD. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I had my boyfriend come over for dinner for the first time. It was all going well until my dad started explaining to my boyfriend how to use toilet paper. He even demonstrated it. FML

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By spiderwoman - Iceland - Reykjav

Today, while walking home, I really had to pee, so I decided to do my business in some high grass just off the street. When I got home, I felt an itch between my butt cheeks. I went to the bathroom to check it out, and a dead, apparently crushed spider fell out of my underwear. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend compared my boobs to a flat tire. FML

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By FennFoxx - United States - Cheraw

Today, I decided to take a relaxing bubble bath in my jacuzzi. I poured in the bubbles, turned on the jets, and got in. I realized too late that the jets had caused the bubbles to overflow and had made a huge mess in my bathroom. Relaxing, indeed. FML

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By Kristinmarsh08 - United States

Today, I texted my dad and told him I was getting married in five months. His reply: "I gotta work that day." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Blair

Today, I found out that the only reason I'm alive is because my dad beat the living shit out of my mom to stop her getting an abortion. FML

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By FML - United Kingdom

Today, my dad drove me to work which is an hour away. 20 minutes into the job, I was told 'Didn't we tell you last week? We let you go.' Clearly, no, they didn't. I had to wait one awkward hour, with my colleagues who knew I was fired before I did, for my dad to collect me. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, it's my wedding day, and I have uncontrollable diarrhea. FML

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By Screwed - United States - Rockville

Today, my crazy bitch of a boss fired me for inappropriate conduct. Apparently my "fake Nazi accent" is "offensive to our Jewish coworkers." I'm German. I have no way to change the way I speak, or to pay this month's bills. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, it appears that I spent three years of my life studying for a degree to find myself driving around looking for potholes. That's literally my job. I didn't even study roading, my civil engineering degree is in designing structures. FML

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By

Chubby life

Today, I was tying my hair up when my dad rubbed my stomach and asked how his grandchild was doing. He knows I'm not pregnant and that I've been trying really hard to lose weight. FML

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By x - United States - Lake Placid

Today, I finally met the girl I've been talking to on phone for a while and found her charming in person as well. There's just one problem: she has more facial hair than I do. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to the doctor about my bruised runners toes. She was inexperienced when It came to athletic injuries, so she googled my condition. I just paid to have her tell me exactly what I had already just googled before I left for my appointment. FML

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By Schmolly - United States

Today, I had a mental break down. Many things have been going completely wrong in my life, and I finally decided to let my boyfriend know about it. After about an hour of explaining and pouring my heart out, his response was "I think we were better off as friends." FML

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By fuck no - India - Kollam

Today, my husband wanted to use bacon grease as lube. FML

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By cooldude - United States

Today, I got called a "loser" by an old man wearing pink flip-flops and riding a purple moped. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/10/2020 17:02 - United States - Pittsburgh

Alexa, play "Leave Me Alone" by New Order

Today, I noticed that the longer I work from home, the more inclined my mother is to interrupting it every five or ten minutes. She says I can stay online late to make it a full 8 hours, but then gets mad when I actually do so. FML

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By onthemarket - United States

Today, after being with my boyfriend for seven years, he finally proposed. To another woman. FML

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By sadbride - Bahamas - Nassau

Today, 60 guests for my wedding were supposed to arrive to the Bahamas. The first and only hurricane of the season decided to crash my wedding, stranding my mom, maid of honor and best man. No one will be able to attend my wedding, except the other drunken hotel guests. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I got punched in the face after I beat my stepbrother at Mario Kart. I didn't really get hurt, but he managed to break a finger. My stepmom blamed the whole thing on me, accusing me of being violent and a bad influence on her son. FML

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By Not Wanted - United Kingdom - London

Today, I'm moving out of the house. My little sister can't wait and I've never seen my dad so happy. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I helped my parents move out of their old house. While I was guiding my dad down the stairs with the couch, my mom asked me to pick up the tape on the step below me. I bent over and grunted. My dad thought I said "Go" and kept moving. He knocked me down two flights of steps. FML

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By whyeventry? - United States - Neenah

Today, I finally talked my boyfriend into going down on me. Everything went well until I came and instinctively gripped his head with my thighs. He panicked and we both rolled off of the bed crocodile-style. Now he's too scared to even have sex with me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pardeeville

Today, my dad might be dead. I'm basing this solely on the fact that he hasn't called recently to verbally abuse me as he often does. He constantly beat me as a child, yet now I'm kind of worried for the piece of shit. FML

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By thickly - United States - Fayetteville

Today, my boss had to order some more work pants since mine were worn out after 7 months. He told me the next set I would have to buy myself since they last workers about 2 years, and I must be treating them too roughly. I didn't want to admit that my thighs rubbing together ended up shredding the fabric. FML

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By NoSpirit

Today, in the spirit of Halloween and to get back at a child who repeatedly pressed the doorbell until I showed up, I quickly opened the door and yelled "Boo!" The child ended up being carried away crying with wet pants by a mother threatening to sue. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, my friend stole my phone to call the creepy boy that follows me around at school. I wouldn't have been so bothered if she hadn't had phone sex with him, all while pretending to be me. He got so into it, he now thinks we're a couple. FML

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By stonehengeva - United States - Virginia Beach

Today, the drive-thru lady at Taco Bell broke my debit card and tried to hide it by wrapping it in a receipt. FML

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By Mia - United States - Laurel

Today, I was mistaken for my twin brother twice. This probably wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't a girl. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mother decided to tell me about how my twin brother almost killed me in the womb when his cord wrapped around my neck. When she left the room, he said, "You won't be so lucky next time." FML

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By webcammistake - United States

Today, I was on a webcam with my friend. We were joking around so I stood up and flashed her. Her grandma choose that second to walk past and look at the screen. Her grandma now thinks were lesbians and that I'm a whore. FML

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By IDPlease

Today my job started requiring all transactions regarding cigarettes or alcohol to have the ID scanned before proceeding. There is no way yo bypass this function. I carded a 60 year old man and his 40 year old son who both yelled at me for 10 minutes. FML

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By njh - Ireland

Today, my 3-year-old son said to me, "Fuck a duck, Daddy." I have no idea where he heard this. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I came home to my parents holding my marijuana. They told me that I had the stupidest hiding place ever, and that I was, "not only a pothead, but a dumbfuck pothead." FML

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By - France

Today, I withdrew $120 from the ATM at the hotel I'm staying at, only to have no money come out. When I talked to the concierge, who witnessed the whole thing, she said it had been happening all day and that the machine was broken. My bank says it's the hotel's problem, and the hotel says it's the bank's problem. Either way, I'm out $120. FML

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By Tragic - United States

Today, I heard my mom ask "Are you okay?" I opened my mouth to tell her about how I've been feeling suicidal lately. At that second, I realized she was talking to my cat. FML

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Top comments

By Jessick_1 | 0

#107250 - Monday 13 April 2009 10:06

"Today, I had a seizure. I thought the lifeguard would save me but turns out they managed to knock themself out because they panicked. The ambulance took them to hospital, forgetting about me. FML"

Poor woman.

By SomeDude148 | 0

#107232 - Monday 13 April 2009 10:02

Maybe you should get a new job.

COMMENTS

By SomeDude148 | 0

#107232 - Monday 13 April 2009 10:02

Maybe you should get a new job.

By mf_fml | 0

#107234 - Monday 13 April 2009 10:02

at least the ambulance didn't waste a trip?

By markh110 | 0

#107235 - Monday 13 April 2009 10:02

Holy crap, lame! Hope you're feeling better :(

Reply

rkcraig53 | 0

#1339442 - Thursday 2 September 2010 17:40

Shoot the pussy! then wrap the pussy!

Reply

stormer461 | 13

#1490388 - Sunday 3 October 2010 7:54

For some reason while I was reading this I heard the generic "bonk" of a cartoon character getting hit in the head.

Reply

polarbearpiss | 15

#6060802 - Tuesday 9 September 2014 19:40

actully if you go into shock while being a life guard your not trained enough, imagine if a surgeon went into shock

By everyonehatesyou | 0

#107237 - Monday 13 April 2009 10:02

you walked into a tree, hahaha

Reply

pinkster2014 | 25

#5842190 - Tuesday 28 January 2014 21:31

This just reminded me of George of the Jungle... Watch out for that tree! xD

By Serial | 2

#107246 - Monday 13 April 2009 10:04

that's one tough tree

By Jessick_1 | 0

#107250 - Monday 13 April 2009 10:06

"Today, I had a seizure. I thought the lifeguard would save me but turns out they managed to knock themself out because they panicked. The ambulance took them to hospital, forgetting about me. FML"

Poor woman.

Reply

Mudkip101004 | 7

#6669705 - Thursday 11 August 2016 23:09

Listen, I know its been several years, but the fml clearly states her getting up and walking away after the seizure without any apparent harm.

By JBiz_fml | 0

#107252 - Monday 13 April 2009 10:08

You should look for another line of work.

@ #5 - Throw your computer out of the nearest window , then go to the nearest freeway and play chicken with a bus. You'll win , I swear.

By onigiriqueen | 0

#107253 - Monday 13 April 2009 10:08

...you walked into a tree? Really?

...some lifeguard.

By PureGold | 0

#107270 - Monday 13 April 2009 10:17

...how long have you been a lifeguard? Maybe it's not the right job for you :/

By because_im_bored | 0

#107272 - Monday 13 April 2009 10:18

Although #5 was a bit harsh, I do agree. You shouldn't be in a position where you are supposed to be protecting others' lives if you can't even deal with someone having a seizure. You're lucky she wasn't seriously injured.