Today, and all day, I was forced to listen to one of the kids... - FML

By mintypoison - 14/11/2011 04:46 - United States

Today, and all day, I was forced to listen to one of the kids in my apartment building play their recorder loudly and horribly. She started over whenever she missed a note. I was sick, was getting a migraine from it, and couldn't ask her to stop without her mom yelling at me. FML

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Understandable

Property law

Doomed

By Anonymous - 28/10/2018 14:00

Today, my girlfriend dumped me for refusing to stop talking to my female best friend. When I pointed out that my friend's a lesbian, she said, "How the hell does that change anything?" I have no idea why I'm not happy to be rid of that paranoid imbecile. FML

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By wtfiswrongwithher - 7/5/2011 13:56 - Australia

Today, I discovered my wife has a YouTube channel dedicated to 20 second videos of her wearing a fake mustache and making weird sounds. FML

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By youmindyourownbusiness - 15/2/2013 05:53 - United States - Genoa

Today, I walked past a few of my coworkers sitting outside smoking. As I got a whiff of the smoke, I coughed. They immediately started to defend their habit, and I was told to "mind my own fucking business." I wasn't trying to be rude; I'm actually allergic to cigarette smoke. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/1/2010 13:44 - United States

Today, my friend decided it was funny to burp in my face. The burp was actually vomit. We were in the food court at the mall. FML

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By mhmm... cumsquats - 9/2/2013 23:26 - Belgium - Kessel-lo

Today, after much coaxing, I finally got my roommate to loosen up and have a couple of beers with me and my friends. It was only later in the evening that he admitted the real reason he hadn't wanted to drink: he's an alcoholic and had been sober for six months, until now. FML

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By georgiana072 - 22/9/2009 07:36 - Philippines

Today, as I was coming out of the ladies' room, I saw a guy glancing at me. A few minutes later, I saw him coming at me at a fast rate. I decided to run from him. As I got out of the building and into a cab, I saw him from the window waving my phone at me. He was just trying to return it. FML

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By fack - 26/11/2013 18:35 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my mom told me that when my sister and I were born, the first thing my dad said was, "I hope they don't turn out vegetarian." I did. FML

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By owmyfoot - 24/2/2014 02:22 - United States - Sacramento

Today, while walking barefoot through my house, I saw something shine on the floor across the hallway. Curious as to what it was, I rubbed my foot across the carpet to feel it. It wasn't until it was deeply lodged in my foot did I realize it was an open safety pin. FML

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By teeeessst - 13/12/2009 06:26 - United States

Today, I listened to a woman take an extremely fragrant crap while I waited for my pregnacy test result in the Target bathroom. FML

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By fmlsrslyahhh - 6/9/2011 19:40 - Singapore

Today, I picked up a lady's dropped wallet and chased after her despite my sprained ankle. When I finally caught up with her, she smashed her chili sauce filled hotdog across my face and kicked me in the groin, accusing me of stealing her wallet. I was kept at the police station for 3 hours. FML

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By Bad Dancer - 5/7/2015 01:48 - United States - Rock Hill

Today, my friend and I went to a club. She said I look hilarious when I dance drunk. I was completely sober. FML

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By Hank Gummyworm - 16/6/2011 06:37 - United States

Today, I was working the register at our local McDonald's. After a strange man left a massive order, he said, "Can I pay you in gummy worms?" FML

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By Julez - 14/1/2012 16:14 - United States

Today, I was trying on some new pants in the fitting room at a store. I was so overcome with joy when I noticed that I had dropped two pant sizes, that when I took them off and went outside to pay for them, I realized I forgot to put back on my original jeans. FML

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By Shopgirl - 6/8/2009 13:14 - Australia

Today, I found a wallet on the train. I called the owner, who said he would come around and pick it up. When he finally did, he looked inside and screamed that his money was missing, and that I was a dirty thief. I never took a cent. He's filing theft charges against me. FML

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By kp - 31/8/2010 12:46 - Australia

Today, it was my boyfriend's birthday. After spending a reasonable amount of cash to get us a nice hotel room to celebrate, he decides he would rather spend the night drinking with his friends. They all threw up in the bath tub before passing out on our bed. FML

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By Clare - 21/2/2011 23:15 - Canada

Today, I desperately tried to explain to my boyfriend why he shouldn't talk about the bible during sex. He honestly doesn't understand. FML

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By Garcia2284 - 13/9/2018 13:00

Today, I asked a customer three times before he saw the doctor if he had any medical insurance and he replied "no" each time. Paying his bill out of pocket, this dude had the nerve to ask, "So why didn't my medical insurance cover this?" He had coverage. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/8/2009 11:00 - Norway

Today, I was outside with a guy I really like. He asked me to lay down on the ground and watch the stars with him. I did. Suddenly, he got up, walked over to another girl and kissed her. They left me there on the soaking wet ground, watching the stars. FML

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By Dan - 20/10/2018 15:30

Today, I put some Gold Bond in between my legs to help reduce moisture. After I finished applying it, I discovered that the Gold Bond had Menthol in it. My crotch is on fire. FML

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By bleeding - 6/12/2009 01:24 - United States

Today, while I was waiting for an interview, I picked at a something I felt on my chin thinking that it was just some food. I had a good interview. Then I got into my car and looked in the mirror, and saw that I had blood smeared all over my chin. Turns out I had picked a zit. No one told me. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/2/2013 13:56 - Canada - Thunder Bay

Today, while at work, my ex-boyfriend came in. I pretended not to see him, hoping he would just pass on by. No such luck. He stopped to tell me that he was there for orientation. My company hired him. FML

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By Duckie W - 13/2/2009 01:24 - United States

Today, I was complaining to my sister about how jealous I was of her looks. Her response was "Sometimes it's okay to be the ugly sister. Like, you have less of a chance of getting raped." FML

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By minaaaaajftw - 13/7/2012 20:13 - Norway - Jessheim

Today, I went to the grocery store with three bags full of sausages that I'd drunkenly bought the night before. Even though the manager remembered me, he wouldn't give me a refund, and now I'll be lucky if I can pay my rent this month. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/5/2015 05:37 - Australia - Brisbane

Bad women's anatomy

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend that me switching to "super" sized tampons does not mean I've been having sex with other men with bigger penises, and that my vagina hasn't been "stretched bigger". FML

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By GettingNone - 25/6/2009 03:05 - France

Today, my wife asked me to pop an ingrown hair near her crotch. We haven't had sex since last September. Popping her ingrown hair was the closest I've gotten to my wife's vagina in nearly nine months. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/2/2015 06:01 - Canada - Chilliwack

Today, a police car hit my parked vehicle, likely due to icy road conditions. When the officer came over to talk to me, I assumed it was to give me his insurance information. Nope. It was to give me a ticket for 'impeding a police officer'. My car was in my driveway. FML

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By Abendigo77 - 14/1/2013 04:49 - United States - Healdsburg

Today, my vegan boyfriend told me that if he were forced to kill either his cat or me, he'd kill me because he "would never kill an animal." FML

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By GodDaughter - 20/9/2009 00:08 - United States

Today, I was locked out of my house so I texted my cousin to come over and help me get in. She came over, stood on a chair and lifted me through the smallest unlocked window possible. Sadly, this was my bathroom window and I ended up head-first into my toilet. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/5/2020 20:00

It never ends

Today, I had a "nightmare" where I found out I had more homework than I originally realized, and spent the entire dream doing homework. There is no escape. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/10/2014 17:32 - United States - San Dimas

Today, I met my neighbors for the first time, as they helped me carry my dead cat off the road. FML

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By notguilty - 15/8/2009 23:24 - United States

Today, while I was watching Miley Cyrus' new music video, I had an itch near my bikini line that I couldn't reach through my jeans. So I unzipped my pants to get to it, and that's when my boyfriend walked in on me with my hands down my pants. He thought I was getting off on the music video. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/2/2017 06:00 - Canada - Calgary

Today, at the hairdresser's, I fell asleep while my hair was being washed. My barber had to shake me awake. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/12/2010 03:03 - Korea Republic of

Today, I met my boyfriend's very strict and traditional Korean parents. I had to listen to them while they called me a skank and how I was fat and ugly compared to nice, pretty, Korean girls. They don't know I speak Korean. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/8/2020 04:01 - United Kingdom - Leicester

Unaware ableist

Today, I sat outside for a half hour hysterically laughing at this kid next door for constantly mooing like a cow. My mum came out to inform me the kid is severely disabled. I even mooed back at one stage. FML

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By Jesstanothergurl - 18/7/2016 19:35 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I had to visit a new office building for a meeting. Halfway through the meeting, I got really nauseous and needed to throw up. I ran to find a bathroom, but got lost and ended up in a printing room. With no other option, I was forced to puke into a large envelope. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/6/2009 22:58 - United States

Today, while on my daily jog, I passed a very attractive girl. While passing her, she yelled "hey cutie". Trying to look cool, I tried turning around without stopping. I then fell off the curb and severely sprained my ankle. She caught up to help but was laughing the entire time. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/7/2009 08:16 - Australia

Today, my boss sent out an email with the subject line "Urgent". He accidentally left the body of the email blank. I replied to all staff "You're firing blanks Peter". I later heard that his wife once got drunk and told everyone that they couldn't have kids because he has a low sperm count. FML

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By alittlepersonal - 5/10/2012 05:59 - United States - Lewis Center

Today, my mom decided to subtly bring up her desire for grandchildren. "You really need a girlfriend. I'm surprised you don't have a crippling case of Carpal Tunnel by now." FML

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By Stupid - 20/4/2011 02:29 - United States

Today, my manager told me to throw out some of the old toys at the daycare we work at. I can't because I've seen Toy Story 3, and thinking about them in a dump makes me cry. I'm 28. FML

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By Chouse - 7/9/2012 01:56 - Canada - Grande Prairie

Today, during my uncle's funeral, my four year old loudly asked, "Where's all the dead people?" FML

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Top comments

By sofineedsaladder | 10

#3583644 - Monday 14 November 2011 8:56

get your own recorder and do the same.

By Fx13mz | 7

#3583649 - Monday 14 November 2011 8:57

I used to play one of those in elementary school. We played at a Target once. We must have ruined their
business that day.

COMMENTS

By sofineedsaladder | 10

#3583644 - Monday 14 November 2011 8:56

get your own recorder and do the same.

Reply

kaprookie | 3

#3583691 - Monday 14 November 2011 9:02

OP you have a migraine, I'm sure if you explained this to the mother she would've understood. Or shit in her mailbox, whatever works.

Reply

jennyvieve | 8

#3583814 - Monday 14 November 2011 9:33

Learning to play the recorder is a very important life skill. I still remember how to play Bach's 'Ode to Joy'. It really gets the men.

Reply

Hansemans | 17

#3583824 - Monday 14 November 2011 9:38

#19 I thought only Beethoven wrote an 'Ode an die Freude'? Still, wonderfull melody and text.

Reply

jennyvieve | 8

#3583857 - Monday 14 November 2011 9:47

Oops, I guess I should have googled it first before I tried to sound all smart and stuff.

Reply

n_epic_fail | 14

#3583885 - Monday 14 November 2011 9:59

So turn on some porn... Real loud.

Reply

minatosexy | 0

#3583986 - Monday 14 November 2011 10:48

Just smack her when her mums not looling ;)

Reply

kevsnev | 7

#3585243 - Monday 14 November 2011 15:35

I agree with the mom. The girl should be allowed to practice. And who knows, maybe she will become a better recorder player.

Reply

kevsnev | 7

#3585245 - Monday 14 November 2011 15:35

I agree with the mom. The girl should be allowed to practice. And who knows, maybe she will become a better recorder player.

Reply

kevsnev | 7

#3585249 - Monday 14 November 2011 15:35

I agree with the mom. The girl should be allowed to practice. And who knows, maybe she will become a better recorder player.

Reply

urdirtyolduncle | 15

#3585592 - Monday 14 November 2011 16:50

Kevsnev- STFU, STFU, STFU.

Reply

benderbot19 | 0

#3586104 - Monday 14 November 2011 19:24

I wonder what kevsnev thinks.

Reply

tjv3 | 10

#3587466 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 2:30

this is one time that I would say call the cops

Reply

zendaddy0 | 0

#3592410 - Wednesday 16 November 2011 5:44

Get the loudest and shittiest sounding instrument and play a really loud and extremly hard song restarting after missing a single note

By Brooks2011 | 5

#3583647 - Monday 14 November 2011 8:57

Call the cops, be a snitch lol

Reply

Hockey_fan | 0

#3583862 - Monday 14 November 2011 9:51

"Hello? Operator? Yeah um, some kids playing a recorder."

Good idea....

Reply

Vash_41288 | 10

#3584083 - Monday 14 November 2011 12:09

Operator: is she playing it well?
Op: no, horrible at it.
Operator: someone will be right over please stay calm.

Reply

zombicidal | 11

#3584448 - Monday 14 November 2011 13:48

then they show up and taze the kids

Reply

white16sox | 19

#3584468 - Monday 14 November 2011 13:54

25 it's called disturbing the peace.

Reply

kbobcat | 0

#3584470 - Monday 14 November 2011 13:54

Don't taze me bro! O.o

Reply

zombicidal | 11

#3584507 - Monday 14 November 2011 14:14

*kid

Reply

richboii | 0

#3584549 - Monday 14 November 2011 14:33

No the "s" is there because i didnt bother putting in the ' is that a big problem anyway

Reply

lexiieeex3 | 32

#5928369 - Monday 28 April 2014 8:48

Um maybe call the landlord first.

By Fx13mz | 7

#3583649 - Monday 14 November 2011 8:57

I used to play one of those in elementary school. We played at a Target once. We must have ruined their
business that day.

By jordnlyn | 6

#3583654 - Monday 14 November 2011 8:58

Earplugs!!! :)

Reply

GhostlyGhoulish | 1

#3583927 - Monday 14 November 2011 10:18

haha *index fingers in ears* LALALA I CAN'T HEAR YOU!! LALALALA

Reply

jedielf | 23

#3583963 - Monday 14 November 2011 10:35

Yeah, investing a few dollars into earplugs will save a bit on the headache medication or lack thereof if you're resistant to painkillers.

By omgcookeys | 15

#3583656 - Monday 14 November 2011 8:58

Get a trumpet. Those are very loud. :)

Reply

Smashhoof | 15

#4800126 - Saturday 11 August 2012 6:06

Trumpets sound good, though.

Reply

KillerAG17 | 15

#6133707 - Wednesday 3 December 2014 6:18

Lol not when don't know how to play it.

By gamefreakpog | 5

#3583670 - Monday 14 November 2011 8:59

Barge into her house, take the recorder, and smash it.

Reply

iam_yummylicious | 12

#3583724 - Monday 14 November 2011 9:06

...over her face.

Reply

THE_A_TEEN | 27

#3584090 - Monday 14 November 2011 12:13

...and then be charged with destruction of property, and assult. Woop-dee-doo...

Reply

demarcusT | 0

#3585641 - Monday 14 November 2011 17:08

... And breaking and entering

Reply

twistedreverie | 1

#3586027 - Monday 14 November 2011 19:03

As soon as you destroy it, hand her a $20. Recorders are cheap, but the time it takes her to go out and get one will give your migrain time to stop.

By sexaaydino | 14

#3583678 - Monday 14 November 2011 9:01

OMG I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL!!! My brother is going through that phase :/

By blink182AAR | 6

#3583681 - Monday 14 November 2011 9:01

Haha, that has to be the most useless instrument..

Reply

JustinComments | 3

#3588349 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 7:00

Excuse me! I just happen to be a four time recorder Provincial Champion, National runner up and took place in-

Nope, your right, it's useless.

By catseventhst | 0

#3583683 - Monday 14 November 2011 9:01

I'm finally on the first page yay

By pdHbq | 2

#3583687 - Monday 14 November 2011 9:02

Get the bagpipes and show em how its done!

Reply

thatssomeBS | 9

#3584015 - Monday 14 November 2011 11:12

I think bagpipes might be my favorite instrument.

Reply

sexynarwhal | 6

#3588062 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 5:18

SAME! no joke