Today, and all day, I was forced to listen to one of the kids... - FML

By mintypoison - 14/11/2011 04:46 - United States

Today, and all day, I was forced to listen to one of the kids in my apartment building play their recorder loudly and horribly. She started over whenever she missed a note. I was sick, was getting a migraine from it, and couldn't ask her to stop without her mom yelling at me. FML

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Fear factor

Tonight, on Grey's Anatomy…

Vultures

By rattlingfloorboards - 15/12/2011 05:09 - United States

Today, a Karate dojo opened under my apartment. It's like living in a Bruce Lee movie. FML

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By skrumpp - 20/3/2014 16:15

Today, I had a text message when I woke up. I was excited as I usually don't get texts from people. Turns out it was from T-Mobile. They text me more than actual people do. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/6/2020 23:00

Non-baby fever

Today, I found out that my fiancé, with whom I've been with for 10 years, doesn't want to have sex with me because he thinks I'm going to trap him into having a baby. He sees me take my contraceptive pill nightly and knows I was booked in for having a coil fitted before Covid-19 happened. FML

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By deadman - 25/5/2020 02:00

Creeped out

Today, my mom came in my room to give me a goodbye kiss. Out of pure instinct, from hours of doing this to my girlfriend in this exact same spot, I held the kiss way longer than what a mother-son kiss should last. My mom actually had to tell me to "let go" before I let her leave. FML

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By Idiots - 5/9/2009 20:54 - Canada

Today, I was at a party when I got covered in the liquid from a glow stick. Thinking it wasn't a big deal I went to rub it off, but it stuck to my clothes. The cops came so everyone ran and hid in the bushes because we were all drunk. The cops arrested fifteen people because I glowed. FML

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By Nikki - 30/5/2010 16:29 - Canada

Today, as a bridal shower gift, I got a "coupon" for 25% off divorce attorney fees. It was a collective gift. FML

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By why does the world hate me - 1/3/2016 06:23 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my sister got her car insurance quote in the mail. You would think it would go way up after being charged with reckless driving. It went up $1 per month. My insurance went up $100 per month after I tapped someone's bumper a year ago. I wasn't even charged. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/6/2013 07:51 - United States - Portland

Today, I was making love to my fiancée, when she dug her nails into my back and told me to "choke" her like I did last night. I was at work last night. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/12/2011 01:52 - Canada

Today, I went with my friend door-to-door selling chocolates. We went to the first house, and the guy decided to buy a chocolate from each of us. He didn't have change and neither did we, so he just took the chocolates and slammed the door in our face. FML

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By LadyGagasLOVER - 8/8/2010 08:49 - United States

Today, I found out that my best friend is moving to Arkansas, and my girlfriend is going with him. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/3/2015 17:54 - United States - Brandon

Today, at Walmart, I overheard a lady telling a teenage girl that the secret to keeping a guy for life is giving him anal, but that it's important to clean your "shitter" beforehand. I can't believe these kinds of sick freaks actually exist. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/2/2015 23:32 - United States - Herndon

Today, I got a letter in the mail telling me to report for jury duty. The day that I have to show up is the day of my wedding. FML

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By PurpleSloth - 15/2/2013 13:57 - United States - Tracy

Today, I realized that without my birth control pills, I would have no idea what day it is. FML

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By Just_do_it_17 - 9/5/2011 04:03 - United States

Today, after being out of the closet for over three years, I learned that some of my friends still don't believe me that I am really a lesbian. They still think I made the whole thing up because I can't get a man. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/12/2012 10:52 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my pregnant girlfriend gave me back the ring I'd used to propose with a week ago. Her reason? She only said yes because she was worried the real father of the baby wasn't going to stick around. FML

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By fatman - 14/12/2009 18:49 - United States

Today, I was on a plane. The person sitting next to me was using the plane's wifi, and was on Facebook. They joined the group 'I hate sitting next to fat people on airplanes'. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/10/2012 00:33 - United Kingdom - Knowle

Today, during dinner, my daughter rudely cut into my conversation and gushed that she's "like, totally" going to audition for a reality TV show next year, after I pay her way. Five minutes into her jaw-dropping stupidity, I had to physically restrain myself from slapping her out of her chair. FML

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By climber - 21/4/2017 20:00

Today, after climbing 8 flight of stairs due to electricity outage, I got to work only to find the office locked. FML

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By Uhmm... - 13/5/2011 23:06 - Canada

Today, I walked in on my brother slipping into a pair of panties. Specifically, a pair of my panties. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/4/2017 18:00

Today, I had to stop on a long trip to use the restroom at a gas station. Apparently, there was water damage beneath the toilet, because after about two minutes of doing my business, it collapsed about seven inches beneath the floor. Guess who got covered in water, black mold, and poo. FML

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By really? - 20/3/2013 04:55 - United States

Today, I found a purse in the school bathroom. When I looked inside, there was an iPod along with some other expensive stuff in it. I took it to the office so the right owner would get it back. The owner passed me in the hall on the way there; she freaked out and punched me in the face. FML

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By bbb - 11/1/2017 07:36

Today, I wasn't able to reply to Facebook chat message immediately, so my friends planned holiday and bought flights without me. FML

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By MSguy - 27/8/2018 14:30

Today, I found out that the medication that's been free to me and has given me no noticeable side effects will be $1500 a month for my new insurance. This is a medication used to prevent my MS relapses. FML

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By AnonThoughts - 24/10/2019 06:00

Fighting fit

Today, my body is so messed up that I pulled a muscle in my side while farting. FML

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By ImAnEngineer - 23/9/2015 17:09 - United States - Canandaigua

Today, my boss quit, leaving me as the only structural engineer at my company. I'm fresh out of college and will have to finish the projects on my own. Hope Google can teach me how to do this. FML

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By mike4444 - 12/2/2010 18:11 - France

Today, I bought myself a flower for Valentine's Day to be delivered to myself from "Anonymous". FML

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By ugamayne - 17/2/2010 12:50 - United States

Today, I had to X-ray an 81 year old lady. The clothes she was wearing would show up on the X-ray so I had to make her change into a gown. I found out the hard way that 81 year olds still go commando. FML

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By BaMiTsAnYa - 16/9/2013 01:21 - United States - Orlando

Today, as I was getting my nails done at a salon, the owner pulled my head back against the chair in front of all the customers and began to tweeze my eyebrows. When I exclaimed that I didn't pay for that service, she replied, "I don't care. This needs done." FML

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By dani - 25/3/2014 03:39 - United States - Dayton

Today, I was at Walmart and had to use the bathroom. I sat down and farted real loud. I didn't realize someone was in there with me until I heard a voice say, "Dude, that was a good one." It was a man's voice. I then realized I was in the men's restroom. FML

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By yosmurf - 11/3/2017 18:00

They're perfect for each other!

Today, I took my brother to the ER. His bimbo girlfriend told him he has "ironing board abs" so they had the bright idea of ironing her clothes on his stomach. When the Dr. asked him why he didn't stop if it burned, he said he didn't want to look "like a pussy". He'd have likely drowned if she'd gotten it right and said "washboard abs". FML

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By suppressinggags - 18/3/2016 19:45 - United States - Kennett

Today, I found out that my stepsister loves sticking random household objects in her ear in an attempt to collect ear wax. I found out when I walked in on her trying to pick all the wax out of the bristles of my toothbrush. FML

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By cloudberry - 27/5/2012 08:00 - United States - Astoria

Today, I told my mom I was going out to hang out with some friends. She looked me dead in the eye and said, "Don't lie to me." FML

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By Anonymous - 13/3/2010 19:01 - United States

Today, I visited my family for spring break because I've been away at college and I haven't seen them since Christmas. Almost as soon as I walked in the door, my mom had me clean the living room area, clean up cat vomit, and do the dishes. Thanks guys... I missed you too. FML

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By laststand11 - 26/12/2011 01:35 - Reserved

Today, I received a very expensive bottle of wine for Christmas. My alcoholic mother snuck into my house while I was out and drank the whole bottle. FML

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By justkillm3 - 13/5/2010 04:07 - United States

Today, I came home after ten hours at work to find my unemployed wife and 4 kids sprawled out watching TV waiting for me to get home and cook for them. I had to wash all the dishes first because they didn't feel like getting up or helping. FML

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By missy - 16/6/2011 02:42 - United States

Today, I missed my flight because I was held in airport security because I'd "threatened" an employee. He had confiscated my eyelash curler and jokingly I asked if he thought I was going to curl him to death. He didn't laugh. FML

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By Badlucked - 3/5/2019 06:00 - Canada - Montr?al

Today, I spent almost an hour cleaning and scrubbing the inside of my fridge. Just when I'd finished putting everything back inside, I tipped over the open milk carton. FML

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By bathroomblunder - 7/3/2010 02:38 - Canada

Today, I went to Starbucks to use the bathroom. After I knocked on the door, and turned the handle, this little old lady rips the door open and goes "I WAS TAKING A DUMP. YOU WANNA COME IN AND WIPE MY SHIT? DO YOU?!" and then continued to ask me the same question for five minutes. FML

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By EOJ - 10/2/2009 17:07 - United States

Today, I was walking my son to school. After yelling at him for not looking where he's walking, I grabbed his hand and pulled him closer to me. Not paying attention, I walked him right into a light pole. FML

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By twinkletoes - 17/9/2012 06:32 - United States

Today, I went to get my nails done for the first time in a while. I don't like to go that much because two of my toes are connected, and I'm very self-conscious about it. The man painting my toes started laughing when he saw them and called all the other employees over to look. FML

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Top comments

By sofineedsaladder | 10

#3583644 - Monday 14 November 2011 8:56

get your own recorder and do the same.

By Fx13mz | 7

#3583649 - Monday 14 November 2011 8:57

I used to play one of those in elementary school. We played at a Target once. We must have ruined their
business that day.

Comments

By sofineedsaladder | 10

#3583644 - Monday 14 November 2011 8:56

get your own recorder and do the same.

Reply

kaprookie | 3

#3583691 - Monday 14 November 2011 9:02

OP you have a migraine, I'm sure if you explained this to the mother she would've understood. Or shit in her mailbox, whatever works.

Reply

jennyvieve | 8

#3583814 - Monday 14 November 2011 9:33

Learning to play the recorder is a very important life skill. I still remember how to play Bach's 'Ode to Joy'. It really gets the men.

Reply

Hansemans | 17

#3583824 - Monday 14 November 2011 9:38

#19 I thought only Beethoven wrote an 'Ode an die Freude'? Still, wonderfull melody and text.

Reply

jennyvieve | 8

#3583857 - Monday 14 November 2011 9:47

Oops, I guess I should have googled it first before I tried to sound all smart and stuff.

Reply

n_epic_fail | 14

#3583885 - Monday 14 November 2011 9:59

So turn on some porn... Real loud.

Reply

minatosexy | 0

#3583986 - Monday 14 November 2011 10:48

Just smack her when her mums not looling ;)

Reply

kevsnev | 7

#3585243 - Monday 14 November 2011 15:35

I agree with the mom. The girl should be allowed to practice. And who knows, maybe she will become a better recorder player.

Reply

kevsnev | 7

#3585245 - Monday 14 November 2011 15:35

I agree with the mom. The girl should be allowed to practice. And who knows, maybe she will become a better recorder player.

Reply

kevsnev | 7

#3585249 - Monday 14 November 2011 15:35

I agree with the mom. The girl should be allowed to practice. And who knows, maybe she will become a better recorder player.

Reply

urdirtyolduncle | 15

#3585592 - Monday 14 November 2011 16:50

Kevsnev- STFU, STFU, STFU.

Reply

benderbot19 | 0

#3586104 - Monday 14 November 2011 19:24

I wonder what kevsnev thinks.

Reply

tjv3 | 10

#3587466 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 2:30

this is one time that I would say call the cops

Reply

zendaddy0 | 0

#3592410 - Wednesday 16 November 2011 5:44

Get the loudest and shittiest sounding instrument and play a really loud and extremly hard song restarting after missing a single note

By Brooks2011 | 5

#3583647 - Monday 14 November 2011 8:57

Call the cops, be a snitch lol

Reply

Hockey_fan | 0

#3583862 - Monday 14 November 2011 9:51

"Hello? Operator? Yeah um, some kids playing a recorder."

Good idea....

Reply

Vash_41288 | 10

#3584083 - Monday 14 November 2011 12:09

Operator: is she playing it well?
Op: no, horrible at it.
Operator: someone will be right over please stay calm.

Reply

zombicidal | 11

#3584448 - Monday 14 November 2011 13:48

then they show up and taze the kids

Reply

white16sox | 19

#3584468 - Monday 14 November 2011 13:54

25 it's called disturbing the peace.

Reply

kbobcat | 0

#3584470 - Monday 14 November 2011 13:54

Don't taze me bro! O.o

Reply

zombicidal | 11

#3584507 - Monday 14 November 2011 14:14

*kid

Reply

richboii | 0

#3584549 - Monday 14 November 2011 14:33

No the "s" is there because i didnt bother putting in the ' is that a big problem anyway

Reply

lexiieeex3 | 32

#5928369 - Monday 28 April 2014 8:48

Um maybe call the landlord first.

By Fx13mz | 7

#3583649 - Monday 14 November 2011 8:57

I used to play one of those in elementary school. We played at a Target once. We must have ruined their
business that day.

By jordnlyn | 6

#3583654 - Monday 14 November 2011 8:58

Earplugs!!! :)

Reply

GhostlyGhoulish | 1

#3583927 - Monday 14 November 2011 10:18

haha *index fingers in ears* LALALA I CAN'T HEAR YOU!! LALALALA

Reply

jedielf | 23

#3583963 - Monday 14 November 2011 10:35

Yeah, investing a few dollars into earplugs will save a bit on the headache medication or lack thereof if you're resistant to painkillers.

By omgcookeys | 15

#3583656 - Monday 14 November 2011 8:58

Get a trumpet. Those are very loud. :)

Reply

Smashhoof | 15

#4800126 - Saturday 11 August 2012 6:06

Trumpets sound good, though.

Reply

KillerAG17 | 15

#6133707 - Wednesday 3 December 2014 6:18

Lol not when don't know how to play it.

By gamefreakpog | 5

#3583670 - Monday 14 November 2011 8:59

Barge into her house, take the recorder, and smash it.

Reply

iam_yummylicious | 12

#3583724 - Monday 14 November 2011 9:06

...over her face.

Reply

THE_A_TEEN | 27

#3584090 - Monday 14 November 2011 12:13

...and then be charged with destruction of property, and assult. Woop-dee-doo...

Reply

demarcusT | 0

#3585641 - Monday 14 November 2011 17:08

... And breaking and entering

Reply

twistedreverie | 1

#3586027 - Monday 14 November 2011 19:03

As soon as you destroy it, hand her a $20. Recorders are cheap, but the time it takes her to go out and get one will give your migrain time to stop.

By sexaaydino | 14

#3583678 - Monday 14 November 2011 9:01

OMG I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL!!! My brother is going through that phase :/

By blink182AAR | 6

#3583681 - Monday 14 November 2011 9:01

Haha, that has to be the most useless instrument..

Reply

JustinComments | 3

#3588349 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 7:00

Excuse me! I just happen to be a four time recorder Provincial Champion, National runner up and took place in-

Nope, your right, it's useless.

By catseventhst | 0

#3583683 - Monday 14 November 2011 9:01

I'm finally on the first page yay

By pdHbq | 2

#3583687 - Monday 14 November 2011 9:02

Get the bagpipes and show em how its done!

Reply

thatssomeBS | 9

#3584015 - Monday 14 November 2011 11:12

I think bagpipes might be my favorite instrument.

Reply

sexynarwhal | 6

#3588062 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 5:18

SAME! no joke