Today, I was walking through my house when I saw a strange man sitting on my couch. I asked him who he was and he said he was a friend of my mom's. He told me to join him and when I sat down, he punched me in the face and stole my cell phone, wallet, and car keys. FML
Collection
Thanksgiving
Questions about your love life, a burnt turkey and the cousin who knows everything: Thanksgiving, a contact sport.
Today, a stranger asked to borrow my phone since his had died. As he was using it, he kept walking away and I had to chase him because he was walking too far. He turned around, yelled, "Stop following me, asshole!" and punched me, knocking me out cold. When I came to, I realized the fucker stole my phone. FML
Today, I came home to find a man standing in my living room. Since my mom texted me that her new boyfriend would be coming over, I just assumed it was him. I introduced myself, made us some coffee and I went to my room to study. When I went downstairs after a while, the TV was missing. FML
Today, I walked into what I thought was my friend's apartment, dropped my backpack on the couch, and started complaining about work. A complete stranger then walked out of the kitchen holding a sandwich, saw me, then yelled "HELP!" I apologized, grabbed my bag, and somehow took his TV remote with me. FML
Today, I fell asleep on the couch and woke up to find that I had slept through my house getting robbed. FML
Today, I was walking home, when I saw a homeless man trying to tear the wallet out of another guy's hand. I can't stand bums, so I smacked him across the jaw. That's when the other one kneed me in the balls and made off with my wallet as well. FML
Today, I was playfully walking back to my car with my girlfriend. My door was unlocked. I then noticed my car had stuff scattered inside. A bum had just robbed and ransacked my car. FML
Today, my friend got a text showing his girlfriend cheating on him. Sounds like his FML, but he was at my house. He then worked his way through a bottle of my whisky and went into a drunken rage. He threw my furniture through windows, punched holes in the wall, and smashed stuff until I had to call the cops. FML
Today, I was dogsitting at my friend's house and accidentally left my car door unlocked because I was running in to drop off my interview clothes. I came back outside to see a homeless man in my driver's seat, rummaging. I had to fight him. He was terrified. I couldn’t stop shaking for hours after. FML
Today, I woke up to my Playstation 3 and my laptop missing and window open. My dad faked a robbery to see me freak out. FML
Today, I was walking to my car from my workplace. When I was about 20 feet from my car, a guy who was clearly on drugs yelled at me and stole my keys and car. Right before leaving the parking lot, he hit a stop sign and then yelled that my car was broken and ran off. FML
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Top comments
RhymePrime 7
Not a very good friend, Lol
superstephen4 5
don't trust strange people on your couch.
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Comments (186)
JuicyCheeks 5
y wuld u even go sit next to a strange man sitting on ur couch!! who does that?!?
Lifelooser_fml 0
****** up...your own couch. god people are mean.
lil_cig 0
Well, if this were true, better it was you that got punched and not your mom.. :D
LadyDee 0
all I can say is "wtf?"
LatinoHeat 0
YDI for thinking that you were going to sit down and make out with Clay Aiken.
average_savage 0
I'm going to go with #93 on this one with one change: forget kicking him in the balls (he was sitting down so not best move). A better move would have been to give him a good right hook as you're screaming "STRANGER DANGER!" in this case you would have literally beat him to the punch
YamahaMama09 0
This story sounds fake.....if it is true then DUH you have a description...report it to the police you retard!! I can't believe how stupid some people are.
chippa 24
They never said they DIDN'T report them. Stop assuming before you criticize.
lowes2828 0
Haha nice
chowyuk 0
a friend of your mom's what?
NothingToGein 0
Whoever corrected me on saying "incoherrent" to incoherent, good job, I misspelled one letter. You're what, 100X smarter than me? Go **** yourself you ******* loser, it's one grammar error as opposed to their what, 100? Eat shit, you elitist bitch, you're still a worthless **** and you always will be. And I said "you" not "you're" on purpose you dumbass, learn how to read. Eat shit, you *****.
ijrnelson 0
anger management much?
Harry_Poochi 0
Misspelling incoherent is a spelling mistake, not a grammar mistake.
Dbeicher 0
I created an account just to speak with you. I'm not trying to start anything but you need a little humbling. I know how you feel, I too hate assholes who never had anything more than a third grade education before they decided to become bumbling line sniffers. However, you should realize there are also people out there who do not care what you think and are indeed, elitests. This dosen't mean we should get upset and revert to profanity of all things. That just lowers you to their level. Instead, sit back and realize your right and the cotton-headed bottom-feeders cannot stab you at all behind your (to them) intimidating intelecutal steel wall of burning spite. Anything else is annoying and pointless. You wont win.
NothingToGein 0
You created an account just to speak to me? Does that mean I should feel honored or something? Who exactly are you to tell me what I should or shouldn't say? My use of profanity or lack thereof is not your perogative either way, nor should it ever be. Keep your comments to yourself; I didn't ask for your input, and anything less than complete support for whatever point I might be proving is only begging for a complete verbal thrashing. As you can see, I didn't swear (just to throw you a bone). Don't try to rebuke anything I've said here. Understood?
aeroshinobi 0
Hey, Mister Nothing to Gein, you misspelled 'prerogative' and you meant 'refute' not 'rebuke.' Whether or not you care about your typoes, your self-aggrandizing method of referring to your tl;dr 'verbal thrashings' merely invite someone to point out the many, many flaws apparent in your posts.
NothingToGein 0
Hey, Mr. Dipshit, if you haven't noticed, every typo that people have called me on has to do with the letter "R" which is jammed on my computer. It either doesn't type, or types the letter multiple times. And I don't really care enough to sit and pluck at the key and backspace it until it works. Secondly, the word is indeed "rebuke," look it up you dumbass. Next time, don't be such a presumptous ****, alright?
capital_seven 0
Jesus. chill, y'all. :/ It's the freaking Internet
Dbeicher 0
Hypocrisy is the only thing in this world that pisses me off more than idiots. I will rebuke you if I wish to, and I shall. No one asked for your input in the first place as well. Had you not let the childish go on without any comment, you wouldn't have been bombarded by people that cannot stand your personality. So if I were you, I would simply give up, quit making excuses, and shut up. Please feel free to respond in any way you see fit.