Today, I was walking my dog around my neighborhood, when I saw... - FML

By psh_idontbite - 13/3/2015 03:55 - United States

Today, I was walking my dog around my neighborhood, when I saw this really cute boy. My dog then saw a squirrel and dragged me through mud. FML

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DINOSAURS!!

Live dumping

Abuse

By Anonymous - 30/11/2009 21:35 - United States

Today, I woke up and rolled out of bed. I'm on the top mattress of a bunk bed. We have tile floors. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/1/2012 17:43 - India

Today, I received a letter from the state saying my 14-year-old daughter is now legally recognized as a male. I have no idea what happened. FML

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By elvisfreak5446 - 10/8/2011 16:12 - United States

Today, I was arguing with a friend over whether or not I'm fat. She kept telling me that I was. Angry, I sat down on the chair beside her. It broke. FML

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By Scarred - 4/9/2009 05:15 - United States

Today, while riding in the car with my friends, we stopped at a red light. To our left, a very obese, middle aged man slowly unbuttoned his shirt and spread it out. He then stared at us while massaging his nipples with his thumb and index fingers for the duration of the red light. FML

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By Butch - 4/7/2016 17:19 - United States - Mcdonough

Today, our e-mail server went down. When I called IT to find out what the status was, they told me they e-mailed everyone with an update. FML

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By sausages - 17/1/2014 20:56 - Macedonia - Skopje

Today, I went to get my first tattoo. Before we started, the tattooist told me to just relax and embrace the pain. I guess I did that too well; I kept getting an erection throughout. FML

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By kingmetal42 - 9/2/2010 19:10 - France

Today, I texted my girlfriend that I'm going to 'lick my professor's ass' instead of 'kick' due to auto-correction on my phone. FML

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By poorclubgoer - 14/11/2009 10:11 - United States

Today, I decided to go to a club with my friends. I was flattered when an attractive guy started dancing with me. Later, I went to grab my money to pay for my dinner and realized while dancing, the very sneaky man pulled my forty dollars out of my pocket. FML

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By billiams15 - 6/5/2012 21:57 - United States - Katy

Today, I got my colonoscopy results back. I had hoped they'd show what's been causing my stomach pains for the last few weeks, but instead it turns out that my colon is healthy and normal. I basically got cornholed for no goddamn reason. FML

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By gabby - 16/6/2012 20:36 - United States

Today, I'm driving cross-country with my parents. As if the stifling heat isn't bad enough, they keep stopping to admire, comment on, and practically do a photoshoot in every corn field we pass. FML

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By baconandkittens - 26/2/2012 03:13 - United States

Today, I was washing dishes when I picked up a plate and saw a huge spider. Trying to be nice, I took the plate outside and tried to gently push the spider off. The wind blew it into my eye. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/8/2012 00:20 - United Kingdom - Manchester

Today, a thirty-something guy swaggered into my workplace. He was wearing shutter shades and torn jeans, and claimed to be our new boss. I called security to throw him out, at which point he produced his ID and let me know I'd be attending an employee review session next week. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/6/2016 07:04 - United States - Bellingham

Today, I was buried in texts from two of my bridesmaids about how much they hated their dresses. Dresses they helped pick. I can either be a bridezilla, put up with this for 4 more months, or ruin two friendships. FML

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By Andrew - 24/9/2010 10:22 - United States

Today, I was watching TV with my grandpa, and he stopped flipping channels on a movie with a hot naked chick getting oiled down. Suddenly the remote landed on my stomach as my mom and grandma walked in. They yelled at me for being a pervert for an hour, while my grandpa sat and chuckled. FML

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By WayToGoDaddyHo - 8/7/2015 06:17 - United States - Beaverton

Today, my father lectured me for dating a man with "no future", even though he's entering a PhD program next year at a top university. Meanwhile, my dad's last relationship was with a 20-year-old hooker who ended up stealing his credit cards. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/11/2010 17:55 - United States

Today, I realized I've been playing too much Call of Duty. I started screaming, "Spawn, bitch! Spawn!" at my microwavable pizza while it was in the microwave. FML

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By phonegotlostinthepark - 3/12/2013 17:54 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I lost my phone. I called the number from my friend's phone, hoping I could find it. A guy answered, laughed "Thanks for the phone!" and hung up. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/9/2011 23:02 - Canada

Today, my fiancé played Rockband drums from the bathroom while taking a crap. He actually managed to properly hit notes. FML

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By ugly? - 20/9/2011 08:08 - United States

Today, at work, a weird old woman came up to me and told me that it's okay: being ugly isn't a choice, it's nothing to be ashamed of, and that it's what inside that counts. She then hugged me and walked away. FML

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By hurley - 27/2/2011 10:10 - Australia

Today, I had my friends help me put on a suit of full plate armor for a medieval re-enactment. After the battle, my friends left. I can't get the armor off by myself and will probably have to sleep in it. FML

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By lunchbox2353 - 30/7/2019 02:00 - United States

Today, for 20 minutes, I watched my girlfriend use a mini flashlight to look for her keys in her purse. The flashlight was on her key chain. As were her keys. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/10/2019 12:00

Oh, hai Mark!

Today, my boyfriend's antisocial father actually decided to talk to me. Too bad I couldn't respond, due to the fact that I still had his son's penis in my mouth. FML

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By Boneo and Juliet - 16/7/2015 19:22 - United States - Amherst

Today, I accidentally texted the girl I like, "Oh god, I just choked on a boner." I meant bone. FML

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By atetoeate - 27/8/2010 06:49 - United States

Today, while trying to give an immunization to a "special" 13-year-old, I got spit on, kicked, almost bitten, and had a chair thrown at me. When it was all over, I flinched when the patient tried to hug me. Her mom called me a "b*tch" and I later found out she wasn't a "special" child. FML

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By holyshart - 5/6/2012 09:03 - United States

Today, I walked in on my roommate trying to smoke a Mars bar. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/5/2016 12:06 - United States - Pratt

Today, my fiancé and I are house-sitting for my future in-laws for the next 3 weeks. They left a bible in both bedrooms, along with printouts of an article denouncing the "sin" of premarital sex. They're such complete whack-jobs, I wouldn't be surprised if they've set up hidden cameras everywhere too. FML

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By it's shitty, yeah, stfu - 7/3/2013 17:10 - Sweden - Trollh?ttan

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She said yes, and I excitedly called my mother to tell her about our engagement. She half-heartedly said, "Aww, that's nice", before changing the topic to what she'd found in her turd earlier. FML

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By olyswimmer - 3/2/2010 05:11 - United States

Today, my car got a wheel lock because I had 5 tickets. Three of those tickets dated back to 2006. I got my car and license in 2008. FML

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By kittybad - 23/6/2013 05:05 - United States

Today, my wife made me moist cat food burgers as a prank. I didnt have the heart to tell her that they tasted better than the ones she usually makes. FML

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By Pinkie - 6/8/2011 21:06 - United States

Today, I had to announce to the whole house that I was going the bathroom, because the lock on the door is broken. Before I had the chance to wipe, my dad loudly burst through the door, stark bollock naked, to take a shower. FML

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By disturbedgd - 14/9/2016 11:29 - South Africa

Today, after years of listening to my coworker complaining about everything in her life, including her job, I finally stood up to her and bitched at her for complaining and not doing anything about it. She went to my boss, and now it's in my job description to listen to her when she complains. FML

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By booste - 18/10/2009 04:06 - Canada

Today, I was written up because my manager heard me insulting a customer. How did I insult her? I called her grandma. Who did I say this to? My grandma. FML

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By baddaughter - 16/11/2009 17:11 - Canada

Today, I called my mother who is vacationing in Florida with my dad and sister. Before they left I told them I would be very responsible and that they could trust me. The first thing she asked me is if all the animals were still alive. I said yes. I lied. Her favourite cat drowned in the pool. FML

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By KTBeck - 26/5/2020 14:00

Three is the magic number

Today, my husband returned from a hiking trip. We had "I missed you" sex and after we were done, he told me about all the ticks he had while on the trail. He then went to shower and while washing, he found a tick latched to his penis. I technically had a three way. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/12/2009 22:54 - United States

Today, my tire was a little low on air. I decided to put in a can of Fix-A-Flat and drive home. Since it was 10 degrees outside and snowing, the can became frozen to the valve. When I finally got the can off, I had ruined the valve, so I had to put on the spare tire. It was flat too. FML

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By could be an fml commenter - 13/4/2013 17:26 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I got the chance to speak to some of the top academics in my field. I was so hungover that I couldn't remember the title of the Masters degree I've spent two years studying for, let alone make intelligent comments. I'm pretty sure the only thing I got right was my name. FML

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By thedeadone - 15/7/2019 00:01

Today, I found the phone number of my biological mother after years of searching for her, and gave her a call. I introduced myself by name and said, "I'm your daughter." There was a pause at the other end, followed by, "The one I aborted or the one I gave away?" FML

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By tammy999 - 31/1/2010 06:44 - United States

Today, my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend bumped into me at McDonald's. I was sitting alone at a table with a big mac, two large fries, a large drink and 1 case of chicken nuggets. FML

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By blah - 19/1/2016 20:53 - United States - Frisco

Today, I found out my father didn't have a rare brain disease, and that he was just an alcoholic. I've been taking care of him every time his "brain disease" acts up, for 2 years. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/8/2020 08:03

Unloved

Today, my dad lied and said he was busy working, all because he didn't want to see me. FML

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Top comments

By giantsfan2010 | 23

#6231037 - Friday 13 March 2015 18:42

Now neither of you got any nuts :(

By Fuaaad1994 | 31

#6231039 - Friday 13 March 2015 18:43

Maybe the guy likes his girls dirty...

COMMENTS

By giantsfan2010 | 23

#6231037 - Friday 13 March 2015 18:42

Now neither of you got any nuts :(

Reply

Johnnycake23 | 42

#6231041 - Friday 13 March 2015 18:43

You're mutts!

By Fuaaad1994 | 31

#6231039 - Friday 13 March 2015 18:43

Maybe the guy likes his girls dirty...

Reply

Daevas | 18

#6231852 - Saturday 14 March 2015 14:27

I know I do.. ;D

By Purexinsanity | 46

#6231040 - Friday 13 March 2015 18:43

That must be a really big/strong dog

Reply

enddmd | 27

#6231219 - Friday 13 March 2015 21:29

Or a really small/light owner

Reply

mellajella | 14

#6232208 - Saturday 14 March 2015 21:20

I can just imagine it now, a small chihuahua dragging OP through the mud.

By kimg0885 | 23

#6231050 - Friday 13 March 2015 18:45

It's ok op it could be the start of a great romantic comedy.

Reply

snarkytruth | 37

#6231785 - Saturday 14 March 2015 12:23

Play her cards right and that dog could be a great wing man!
That would make a great how did you meet story unlike most boring ones you hear.

By shaaza | 16

#6231053 - Friday 13 March 2015 18:46

Lol smart dog
Dog saw you stare at the boy and the dog see a squirrel
Dog took that opportunity
Its all good OP

Reply

laden_swallow09 | 34

#6231127 - Friday 13 March 2015 19:36

Huh?

By Markovski | 18

#6231058 - Friday 13 March 2015 18:46

Getting down and dirty

By potato_meat | 12

#6231060 - Friday 13 March 2015 18:47

Meh, shouldn't change anything. Would have actually been a good chance to spark up a conversation with him. It's not like the mud will be there for the rest of your life.

By xluciferx666 | 21

#6231061 - Friday 13 March 2015 18:47

Your dog did it on purpose he wants you all to himself

By Manic1 | 13

#6231071 - Friday 13 March 2015 18:48

Yes, this kind of sucks right now, but if he ends up liking you and you him then it is just a funny story about how you met.

By MegasaurusRex89 | 28

#6231074 - Friday 13 March 2015 18:48

In the movies, that'd be the perfect start to a relationship. Sucks in real life though :/ Sorry OP