Transportation: Today, I was walking from my office to the place i had parked... - FML

By Chops - United States

Today, I was walking from my office to the place i had parked my car, a distance of approximately three blocks. As I was about to round the last corner I was forced to dive out of the way of a speeding car. As I looked up, I noticed that it was my car. FML

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Buzzing the tower

Spooky

My body, my choice

By regstl - United States - Beaverton

Today, as I was getting out of my car, an old and obese lady walked up to me and called me an "inconsiderate heartless bitch" for using the last handicap parking spot. I guess she didn't see my wheelchair. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I went into my office and told my boss that I hated my job and was quitting on the spot. I tried to leave quickly but I slipped and fell on the marble floor right in front of everybody during my exit. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/11/2020 05:02

Alexa, play "Glad to be Unhappy" by The Mamas & The Papas

Today, my ex told me he never wanted to talk to me again, because of how annoying I am. I’m still madly in love with him. FML

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By badmom - Ireland

Today, my 18-year old son decided to run his hand over our wooden fence to try and get a splinter, as he "forgot what they felt like." Last month, he stabbed himself in the arm with a sewing needle because he "forgot what an injection feels like." I raised this idiot. FML

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By Emily - United States

Today, my best friend who I've known since high school is getting married. I'm supposed to give a toast during the reception about how great the bride and groom are. I've been sleeping with the groom for the past 7 months. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/12/2020 02:02

All in the family

Today, I found out my boyfriend of a year is actually my cousin. Thanks, Mom. FML

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By HomicidalPegasus - United States - Bethalto

Today, my girlfriend and I got into an argument while she was in the bathroom. I told her I was leaving her because she's too needy. She came out of the bathroom and threw her used tampon at me. FML

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By ravenskater

Today, I was at a grocery store with my 3 year old son. As I was picking a cereal out, an older man comes over and says, "You should have used condoms. What an ugly boy." FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Preston

Today, I had an upset stomach all day at work. When lunch break came, I rushed to the bathroom. Just as I turned into an unstoppable human whoopie cushion, a co-worker walked in. He heard the entire arse symphony, and just asked "What the fuck, dude?!" as he left. FML

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By Broc'n dreams - New Zealand - Auckland

Face Your Fears

Today, I woke up screaming "FUCK OFF!" because I had a dream that someone threw broccoli through my window. FML

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By lessinterestingthanadog - United States

Today, I invited the guy I've been seeing to my home for the first time. He spent over an hour talking to my twelve-year-old dog. Occasionally he would look up to ask me a question, but when I answered he would just continue talking to the dog. FML

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By ihateeverything - United States - Granbury

Today, I dreamed that I cheated on my boyfriend. I was so overwhelmed with guilt that I called him while half-asleep to tell him about it and apologize. I'm fully awake now and he doesn't believe it was really a dream. FML

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By Chubs - Norway

Today, I was playing with my kid cousin outside. It was warm, so I was wearing my new bikini, and felt pretty good about myself. She suddenly turns to me and asks: "How come your tits are so small when you have such a big belly?" FML

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By YuckyDuckyLucky - Norway - Oslo

Today, I attempted to break the record for the heaviest squat in my local gym. A small crowd witnessed me breaking the record as well as releasing a huge fart. FML

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By jumbledgirl - United States

Today, my teacher started talking about me quietly to the stuffed cat, called Rufus, that she keeps on her desk. FML

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By HM - Germany

Today, I found out that my entire class, me included, has to rewrite the painfully difficult midterm we wrote last week. All this because the Professor left the exams strewn across her desk. The cleaners thought it was trash and disposed of them. FML

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By Annonymous

Today, my neighbors put up their Christmas lights. They blink red and green on and off. Ever since they put them up, my dog hasn't stopped barking. It's 2:00AM. FML

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By wearyconsumer

Today, I threw out all the food in the freezer that my mom had been keeping since 2013. When she found out, she said, "frozen food doesn't go bad." FML

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By jokersgirl

Today, my boyfriend and I had the wildest sex we'd ever had. I was on top of him and started going at it like crazy. I was close to finishing when the Mortal Kombat phrase "FINISH HIM!" popped into my head. It wasn't until I saw a weird look on his face that I realized I'd said it out loud. FML

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By fishy situation

Today, my friend is furious with me because while I was watching her various fish for two weeks, I failed to feed her favorite fish and it died. The reason I didn't take care of it was because she never told me she had it, that it was in her room unlike the rest of the fish, so I never saw it. FML

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By jessefonsexy. - United States

Today, I was trying to go to sleep when I heard my sister come home from the bar. I fell asleep and woke up an hour later to see my sister squatting in my dresser drawer. I asked her what she was doing and she said "I'm peeing." FML

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By I'm a moron

Today, I woke up in an empty room. Thinking I'd been kidnapped, I kicked the door in. The previous night was a blur, and thought I'd been drugged. I was actually in the room my friends had put me in last night, because I went on a drunken rampage. It cost me $100 for a new door. FML

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By SolaceInRage - United States - Wilmette

Today, I tossed half a sausage to a dog sitting beside a park bench. It wasn't until he lunged for it and dragged the man beside him off of the bench that I realized it was a seeing eye dog. FML

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By

May be

Today, while I was at my job as senior care, I was in a client's home vacuuming the carpet and found a very used vibrator that belonged to his wife. It wasn't clean. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got stuck in an elevator for 45 minutes. I am an elevator mechanic. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at a frat band party dancing with my girl when I felt some liquid on my arm. Normally, I'll lick spilled drinks off my arms and being slightly intoxicated, I did. Then I realized it was chunky. The girl dancing next to us had puked everywhere and I licked her vomit off my arm. FML

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By matte - Australia

Today, whilst working at Subway, I took an order for 6 footlongs. The entire process took 15 minutes due to the customer's hesitant and glacial pace. When it came to paying, he pulled out his wallet, looked inside, looked at me, and walked quickly out of the store. FML

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By chickenmcnuggetgirl - Ireland - Enfield

Different strokes

Today, I found out my boyfriend has a chicken nugget fetish. He wants me to take a chicken nugget bath in a bikini. He seems to be dead serious. FML

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By ryuken23 - United Kingdom

Today, after breaking down in front of my therapist over some really sensitive issues, she decided to also break down. Not about my story but about her own life. I'm not being paid to comfort and console my therapist. FML

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By girlfromnowhere - United Arab Emirates

Today, my boss asked me to work over the entire weekend. That would be fine if I didn't already work a 60 hour week. He also said the extra hours on the weekend wouldn't be paid. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to the doctor because my arm hurt. When he told me I had tennis elbow I said "that's funny I don't play tennis". Then he asked me if I had a girlfriend. When I said no he said "Well I guess we solved this one." FML

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By stupid - United States - Middleton

Today, I realized that customers at my work ask me "Are you new or just stupid?" just as often as they did when I first started. FML

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By Des

Today, it’s been 3 weeks since I had an interview for an internship this summer. I’ve applied to over 40 internships over the past 6 months, and this was the only interview I’ve had. I banked my entire summer on this. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/4/2020 20:00 - India

Mask off

Today, I found out that the guy I've been dating for a year is and always has been gay. I was apparently "an amazingly convenient beard" for his ultra-religious family. FML

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By Nekro_Kat - United States

Today, I got caught trying to steal my own cat back from my neighbor. FML

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By Celina - United States

Today, I regret that break we took. I thought it would lead him to realize that he wanted to stop cheating and flirting with other girls and be with only me forever. Now I'm the girl he cheats on his girlfriend with. FML

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By Nikki

Today, I walked into my bathroom to my boyfriend bragging about how much better his butt looked than mine, all while wearing my jeans. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was running on a track above a basketball court. I noticed several cute guys playing a pick-up game, so I tried to run my hardest. Not paying attention, I didn't hear when they warned me about the ball flying towards me. It hit me in the head, I then ran into a wall and face-planted. FML

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By anonymous - 3/5/2020 05:00

The Hulk

Today, I found out that my $1000 anger management course had no effect on me when I smashed a picture frame. Why? I had run out of toothpaste. FML

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By WorthLessThanACareer

Today, the guy I've been dating said we couldn't see each other anymore because he needed to focus on his career. He's unemployed. FML

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Top comments

By mrcarmine | 0

#23217 - Monday 9 March 2009 15:15

NOOOOOO WAYYYYYYYYYYYYY

shit, that fucking sucks. i'm sorry, buddy.

By iampunk | 0

#1614416 - Thursday 28 October 2010 5:27

'Cause you were there and would know right?

COMMENTS

By mrcarmine | 0

#23217 - Monday 9 March 2009 15:15

NOOOOOO WAYYYYYYYYYYYYY

shit, that fucking sucks. i'm sorry, buddy.

By Amkii | 0

#23219 - Monday 9 March 2009 15:16

Yeah right. Probably more like, "noticed it was a car that looked like my car."

Reply

iampunk | 0

#1614416 - Thursday 28 October 2010 5:27

'Cause you were there and would know right?

By ubbernoob | 0

#23222 - Monday 9 March 2009 15:30

dont believe it.

By ummmyeahhh | 0

#23225 - Monday 9 March 2009 15:33

agree with #2. unless you have a special paint job or a big dent or something, it would be easy to confuse the two cars.

Reply

pun619 | 0

#960571 - Thursday 18 March 2010 3:19

if he kept walkong noticed his car was missing. or i know i know my car apart from any other car even if it is the same car.

Reply

1x1y | 12

#4248259 - Monday 2 April 2012 7:17

Maybe he saw the license plate.

Reply

cdkitty94 | 6

#5410216 - Monday 18 March 2013 13:56

I know my car via license number and bumper stickers..

Reply

ethenkray | 19

#6496942 - Wednesday 30 December 2015 7:32

Well most people know their license number, and also he probably noticed that his car was missing as he was turning the last corner so he could look down the street.

By Aldrasio | 0

#23228 - Monday 9 March 2009 15:40

#4: Or a license plate number.

By bradley5055 | 0

#23230 - Monday 9 March 2009 15:41

lol if it was real u got owned

Reply

LivToFail | 28

#6513216 - Monday 18 January 2016 1:52

Whether its real or not, your a jackass.

By greenman_fml | 0

#23237 - Monday 9 March 2009 15:51

bullshit

By th3wh1tee | 0

#23243 - Monday 9 March 2009 15:57

Don't worry its not like the insurance company won't take care of it. =/

By amelinat | 0

#23257 - Monday 9 March 2009 16:29

Oh wow mate, thats awful, did you get a look at the driver?

I hope you are well insured, and there was nothing precious inside the car.

By dave2001soa | 0

#23258 - Monday 9 March 2009 16:32

#2, #4, or #5, I'm sure the guy went to where his car should be and noticed that it was no longer there.