Today, I was walking from my office to the place i had parked... - FML

By Chops - 9/3/2009 06:35 - United States

Today, I was walking from my office to the place i had parked my car, a distance of approximately three blocks. As I was about to round the last corner I was forced to dive out of the way of a speeding car. As I looked up, I noticed that it was my car. FML

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Understandable

Or he's just becoming an old goober

Vultures

By Gob - 16/1/2009 14:36 - United States

Today, while waiting for class, I let out a huge fart in front of everyone thinking no one would hear it over the music. I was wearing headphones. FML

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By Stevo - 18/6/2010 07:13 - United States

Today, my math teacher told me to learn how to say "welcome to wal-mart". FML

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By Jedi2500 - 15/2/2012 23:53 - United States

Today, as I was leaving for work, I discovered my neighbor had just passed away. I found out when I came across his body lying in my front yard. FML

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By katelynm - 8/2/2013 06:24 - United States

Today, I pointed out to my boyfriend how Valentine's day, my birthday, and our one-year anniversary were all coming up in the next few weeks. He then promptly broke up with me. FML

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By stupid - 21/12/2010 15:21 - Ireland

Today, I walked to school in -5 degree weather, snow up to ankles, for an exam. The school had closed and warned all the parents, but mine didn't tell me, because it was "funnier". FML

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By ThanksMom - 8/7/2016 07:54 - United States - State College

Today, while taking out the trash late at night with my mom, a group of people drove by and decided it would be funny to turn around and chase us up the driveway in their car. Before I even realized what was happening, my mom was already halfway to the house yelling back, "You're on your own!" FML

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By killme - 13/12/2018 14:00

Today, my girlfriend of three years broke up with me saying I don’t make her happy, I don’t make her laugh, that she feels she is settling for me and that she is not being pleased sexually. Even though she has always said I did all of that and that we could work through anything. I was going to propose... FML

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By jobless - 9/7/2014 05:02 - United States - Buffalo

Today, I heard back from a company that I recently interviewed with. They told me I didn't get the job because "it was obvious that I had been coached." I wasn't. Sorry that I actually researched the company unlike the rest of the nit-wit candidates. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/8/2019 22:02 - Germany

Today, I asked my boss to pay me for the only 2 sick days I had taken in 6 months, but he didn't want to. I reminded him that it's the law now in Germany, even for part-time work, so he said OK. Two hours later, he fired me. One week before my probationary period was up. FML

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By jaydiv - 22/11/2009 09:15 - Australia

Today, I saw my cat outside taking a dump. I pulled back the curtain and watched him clean it up, because I found it fascinating that animals can do that. I must have been standing there for several minutes before I noticed the neighbour next door looking at me being fascinated by my cat pooing. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/2/2010 14:22 - United States

Today, I took my best friend to an 80's party. She drank too much and ended up puking all over the interior and exterior of my car as well as inside my right legwarmer on the 30 mile trip back home. FML

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By no - 20/3/2014 22:18 - United Kingdom - London

Today, for the third time this week, a random person in the street walked up to me and told me how much I look like Grumpy Cat. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/11/2009 14:04 - United States

Today, I finally had the opportunity to have sex with my girlfriend. This would be the first time for both of us, so I tried to make it really special. I had everything planned out to be very romantic. She loved how it was set up. After all this, I couldn't get it up at all, all night. FML

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By 282 - 29/10/2018 14:00

Today, I was sitting on my younger sister's bed while I was on my phone. She came in the room and pushed me off the bed, and I ended up slicing the skin under my eye. Now, my parents are forcing me to pay for the injury for "hanging off the bed". FML

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By You Are My Sunshine - 24/2/2014 04:18 - United States - Moreno Valley

Today, a guy from work that I barely know gave me sunflowers for my birthday. He told me, "You mentioned they were your favorite." I mentioned it to my family at home a few days ago. FML

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By shredded - 12/2/2011 00:26 - United Kingdom

Today, I spent three and a half hours creating a Wikipedia page for myself. Three minutes after publishing, it was deleted due to me being a "Non-notable person nobody's ever heard of." FML

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By Anonymous - 19/5/2013 18:33 - Canada - Calgary

Today, my wife gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. She's perfect in every way, except for her birth mark. It's under the corner of her left eye and looks almost exactly like a prison teardrop tattoo. FML

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By biggmouth - 26/3/2009 22:44 - United States

Today, my teacher was giving a lecture about human genetics and how they are passed on to children. She projected a large picture of a baby on to the screen in the front of the room. I then joked about how this ugly baby must have some very unattractive parents. It was her baby. FML

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By FullCircleProblem - 27/1/2016 06:04 - United States - Round Rock

Today, my girlfriend came home and spontaneously wanted to have sex for the first time in about a year. I'm a recovering alcoholic, and had just came from an AA meeting. She reeked of alcohol, I couldn't get hard because of it and she got pissed at me. She says she won't be spontaneous again. FML

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By hopeless - 6/7/2012 05:46 - United States

Today, I found out that the only reason my boyfriend got a job was so that he could buy weed. FML

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By tryon777 - 29/7/2010 00:40 - United States

Today, my girlfriend begged me to stay up late and video chat with her because she missed me. Even though I work early mornings, I reluctantly agreed. After waiting up until 2am for her to get online, I gave up. She had fallen asleep. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/10/2010 23:53 - United States

Today, I sent the girl I like a Twinkie with a note saying "Enjoy! You deserve it". I found out later through an angry email that someone had written "you damn fatty" on the end of the note. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/3/2014 22:05 - United Kingdom - Brentwood

Today, I had to calm my rather gullible boyfriend down and reassure him that the email he got, telling him that he has AIDS, was just a scam. FML

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By unhappyelf - 14/11/2011 21:53 - United States

Today, my boss insisted that we get in the holiday mood by putting up lights, playing Christmas music, and wearing bells on our uniforms. It's not even Thanksgiving yet and I can't even have a tinkle without full-blown jingling. FML

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By trice - 8/5/2013 17:48 - United States - Austin

Today, it's my birthday. Three people wished me happy birthday: Google, my insurance company, and the place I lease my car from. FML

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By grann - 15/3/2010 01:39 - United States

Today, while walking to my car through the snow, I noticed the sunroof was open and 2 feet of snow had poured in. Angry, I opened the door to start cleaning. That's when I noticed all the wildlife that had taken refuge inside from the cold. Not only were my seat cushions wet, they were torn open. FML

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By Honest mistake - 18/4/2018 05:00

Today, I bought a tail for my girlfriend to dress as a cat at a hen party. She put the box in her suitcase, then left to catch her plane. I checked my purchase history and realised it's a cat tail butt plug. Now she keeps ringing me, but I'm too chicken to answer the phone. FML

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By Jersey girl - 8/12/2016 07:58 - United States - Miami

Today, I requested to have the next Sunday off of my job in retail. Not only did my boss say that we're not allowed to ask for weekends off anymore, but I also have to work on another weekend that I requested off. I guess I'm not going to my sister's wedding. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/3/2017 22:00

Today, my boyfriend and I had a lovely dinner date. Our waitress was really sweet, so we talked about leaving her a big tip. When we got home, we discovered we both thought the other person had left it. FML

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By canwesayfail - 18/5/2016 02:20 - United States - Gloucester

Today, the only part of my Psychology final that I was 100% confident in was my name. FML

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By Stuckwiththebill - 28/1/2018 01:30

The show must go on!

Today, during my wedding ceremony, the groom-to-be found it appropriate to blurt out about an ongoing affair with my maid of honor. They got married instead. FML

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By Username - 6/7/2011 02:54 - United States

Today, my mom tried to sell me a bag of rice, with "Cocaine" written on the side of it in sharpie pen. In exchange for my soul. FML

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By Shameful - 18/1/2012 19:57 - United States

Today, my school's 6'2, 270-pound, 375-pound bench-pressing football superstar knocked me unconscious in one hit. With a dodgeball. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/8/2010 08:15 - United States

Today, while watching my guinea pigs have sex, I got jealous. Yeah. It's been that long. FML

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By singkong duleng - 18/8/2018 15:00

Today, I told my mom that my wife and I got her a birthday present, but she won't be getting it until April. That instantly pissed her off, cussing us out calling us cheap worthless selfish bastards. I was about to surprise her that she's finally going to be a grandma. FML

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By Jarryd - 10/2/2012 05:40 - Australia

Today, I was making out with a girl who I've had a crush on for a while now. It was all going fine until one of my teeth decided to dislodge itself. She promptly spat out the tooth and left. FML

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By khannnn - 20/3/2016 18:25 - United States

Today, looking to hire new tech support members, but due to not looking over any resumés, my ex-wife is now one of our potential candidates. FML

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By mytoehurts - 26/6/2015 13:09 - Canada - Ayr

Today, I was at my lifeguarding exam. Everything was going well until I went to 'save' someone and slipped and bellyflopped into the pool. I broke my toe, and the person I was supposed to save ended up saving me instead. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/5/2009 01:41 - United States

Today, I took my grandma to the hospital to visit her estranged husband who she hasn't seen in years. After a thoroughly disasterous visit, we're waiting in the carpark and my gran strokes my face and tells me I have a lot of facial hair. I thought she was going to thank me. And I'm a girl. FML

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By Lifes_a_bust - 8/8/2010 16:22 - United States

Today, my cat died. But, before he could bite the dust, he left a goodbye present on my bed: a decapitated baby rabbit. FML

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Top comments

By mrcarmine | 0

#23217 - Monday 9 March 2009 15:15

NOOOOOO WAYYYYYYYYYYYYY

shit, that fucking sucks. i'm sorry, buddy.

By iampunk | 0

#1614416 - Thursday 28 October 2010 5:27

'Cause you were there and would know right?

Comments

By mrcarmine | 0

#23217 - Monday 9 March 2009 15:15

NOOOOOO WAYYYYYYYYYYYYY

shit, that fucking sucks. i'm sorry, buddy.

By Amkii | 0

#23219 - Monday 9 March 2009 15:16

Yeah right. Probably more like, "noticed it was a car that looked like my car."

Reply

iampunk | 0

#1614416 - Thursday 28 October 2010 5:27

'Cause you were there and would know right?

By ubbernoob | 0

#23222 - Monday 9 March 2009 15:30

dont believe it.

By ummmyeahhh | 0

#23225 - Monday 9 March 2009 15:33

agree with #2. unless you have a special paint job or a big dent or something, it would be easy to confuse the two cars.

Reply

pun619 | 0

#960571 - Thursday 18 March 2010 3:19

if he kept walkong noticed his car was missing. or i know i know my car apart from any other car even if it is the same car.

Reply

1x1y | 12

#4248259 - Monday 2 April 2012 7:17

Maybe he saw the license plate.

Reply

cdkitty94 | 6

#5410216 - Monday 18 March 2013 13:56

I know my car via license number and bumper stickers..

Reply

ethenkray | 19

#6496942 - Wednesday 30 December 2016 7:32

Well most people know their license number, and also he probably noticed that his car was missing as he was turning the last corner so he could look down the street.

By Aldrasio | 0

#23228 - Monday 9 March 2009 15:40

#4: Or a license plate number.

By bradley5055 | 0

#23230 - Monday 9 March 2009 15:41

lol if it was real u got owned

Reply

LivToFail | 28

#6513216 - Monday 18 January 2016 1:52

Whether its real or not, your a jackass.

By greenman_fml | 0

#23237 - Monday 9 March 2009 15:51

bullshit

By th3wh1tee | 0

#23243 - Monday 9 March 2009 15:57

Don't worry its not like the insurance company won't take care of it. =/

By amelinat | 0

#23257 - Monday 9 March 2009 16:29

Oh wow mate, thats awful, did you get a look at the driver?

I hope you are well insured, and there was nothing precious inside the car.

By dave2001soa | 0

#23258 - Monday 9 March 2009 16:32

#2, #4, or #5, I'm sure the guy went to where his car should be and noticed that it was no longer there.