Today, my four Huskies played tug-o-war with a woodchuck. FML

3866

392

Today, I had to take a dump at work. I walked into the bathroom and opened a stall, only to find what I can only describe as a fecal crime scene. It was like a turd had exploded mid-air. It was so vile, my anxiety kicked in and I broke down into a sobbing panic attack. FML

Animals

Rock, hard place

Alexa, play "Hey! Student" by The Fall

Tidy your room

By Anonymous - 20/3/2015 16:56 - United Kingdom - Glasgow

29207

3591

Today, while working, a woman complained that she didn't ask for sauce on her sandwich. After examining the sandwich, I realized it was just melted cheese. When I told her, she threw the sandwich at me. FML

By Sara - 3/10/2012 03:33 - United States - Manassas

27140

1812

Today, I noticed the woman I've been sleeping with for over 2 years never lets me see her naked during sex. I confronted her about it and she replied, "I don't care if you see me naked. I was just leaving the lights off the whole time so I don't have to see you naked." FML

By audied - 4/1/2010 21:26 - United States

26105

4556

Today, I was FaceTiming a good friend of mine from back home, telling her how good she looked and how happy I was to hear from her. My insanely jealous girlfriend snatched my phone and smashed it on the ground. I was saying my friend looked good because she'd just finished chemo. FML

By so jealous - 27/4/2020 05:00

Goodbye phone

2664

286

Today, my girlfriend called me a lazy pig. To prove her wrong, I decided to go lift some weights. A few reps in, my arm cracked and my first reaction was to squeal like a pig. FML

By Ismellbacon - 29/2/2012 06:29 - Canada

10366

28976

Today, I was massively hungover and driving home. I had a strong suspicion that I was gonna ralph so I was smart and pulled over. I emptied the contents of my stomach into a shopping bag and was proud I didn't make a mess all over the car. Seconds later, the bottom of the bag gave out. FML

By Octobre - 7/3/2010 01:17 - United States

11538

27911

Today, I found out that if you don't clean the inside of your sonicare toothbrush, it can grow masses of fungus. I've been brushing my teeth with a vibrating mushroom for the past 5 months. FML

By mushroommouth - 1/10/2009 21:57 - United States

32678

22617

Today, while taking out a jar of mayonnaise, it slipped from my hand, landing on its lid, exploding, and covering both of my dogs from head to tail in it. Terrified, they fled, leaving a trail of globs of mayo. After cleaning both dogs and the house, they both threw up from eating too much mayonnaise. FML

By Jay703 - 3/8/2016 02:21 - United States - Woodbridge

14470

1266

Today, after spending hours wrapping the presents for Christmas, I came back into the room to find that my dog had lost his toy, knocked over all the presents, and was frantically ripping at everything to find it. FML

By dogh8er - 18/12/2011 19:31 - United States

26033

3504

Today, I went driving for the first time with my mom. When she wasn't screaming, she gave great advice like, "Stop at the red light" and "Don't crash into cars". I need to drive 50 hours with her. FML

By fedupson - 9/4/2015 14:03 - United States - Milpitas

29993

2630

Today, I caught my roommate pouring back his leftover milk from his cereal back into the jug to "save money." FML

By why - 23/7/2013 13:21

49062

3676

Today, while I was waiting at a bus stop, a man stopped at the red light and smiled at me. I smiled back. He blew me a kiss and drove away, just as I realized he was masturbating behind the wheel. FML

By mentallyscarred - 31/1/2011 09:34 - United States

33959

4678

Today, in my self-defense class, we did an attack simulation. As I began to hit my attacker, my fist hit the top of his helmet, dislocating my shoulder. I then spent the next hour in the ER sobbing until it was popped back in. I need to learn to defend myself against myself. FML

By inpain - 17/3/2016 04:56 - United States - San Francisco

18782

2355

Today, I was telling a close friend about the devastating discovery of my husband’s cheating. Turns out, she may be giving my children a half-sister for Christmas. FML

By Mylifeisaboldandbeautifulepisode - 6/12/2017 15:00

6509

327

Today, I turned 21 and had a huge party because I could finally drink legally. Got arrested for public intoxication. FML

By Chase - 15/5/2017 18:00

2277

6202

Today, I was in a dating auction. I was bought for $2. The man who won a date with me recited every dialog from the movie The Lord of the Rings. FML

By Anonymous - 12/12/2010 08:04 - Canada

34506

8250

Today, my little sister decided the best way to cheat on a test is to take someone else's test, scratch through their name in pencil, and write her name underneath. She starts high school next semester. FML

By Anonymous - 7/10/2014 16:06 - United States

37080

3340

Today, my girlfriend said, "People think I don't have talent, but I do. I'm really good with my mouth. Just ask anyone." FML

By drew_ar85 - 20/3/2010 16:30 - United States

36881

6657

Today, my teacher read my story about a haunted house for a class assignment. She liked it very much and turned it in to the office to be sent into a state writing competition. An hour later, I was called to the office where the guidance counselor called my work "disturbing" and said I "need help". FML

By Anonymous - 8/3/2013 11:29 - United States - Charlottesville

38138

2883

Today, while working at my unfulfilling part-time job, my colleague said, "Are you aware of how much you sigh?" And then she said, "You're too young for that." So, am I supposed to hold my breath now? FML

By squarecircles - 15/6/2019 10:46 - Canada - Vancouver

1410

508

Today, I had my hair done for the first time in 3 years. I loved it. My boyfriend told me I look like his ex. FML

By hannieannie - 12/7/2020 02:02

His type

1068

104

Today, I found out my aunt posted a picture of my butt in a bikini bottom on Facebook. I didn't even know she had taken that picture. FML

By ClairvoyantVamp - 6/7/2016 23:09 - United States - Raleigh

11695

1002

Today, I asked my 2 year old son to clean up his toys. When I bent down to give him a good job kiss afterwards, he punched me in the nose. FML

By Viciousvixen_21 - 2/4/2011 07:35 - United States

36568

12216

Today, I found out that I don't have to work tomorrow. Normally I would be thrilled to hear this, but not from the 6 o'clock news, doing a piece on my work's rat infestation and indefinite shut down. FML

By imahater07 - 28/1/2016 07:02 - United States - Fairfield

20865

1384

Today, I went to an indoor trampoline park. This would usually be fun, except that I got there, broke my ankle, and left in an ambulance, all before my friends even arrived. FML

By rangerluke - 25/2/2016 15:52 - United States

19696

2176

Today, I had my first chorus concert. We got a bigger applause when we left the stage than when we sang. FML

By Anonymous - 26/1/2012 21:05 - United States

24439

6768

Today, and for the last week, I've been dreaming only to wake up when my dream-self commits suicide. I'm generally a happy person, so I've no idea why my subconscious is killing me so often. This time, I stuck my face in an industrial-size blender. I can still feel my jaw rattling from the impact. FML

By Anonymous - 4/7/2020 23:03

Dead to me

1320

Today, I was getting lunch at a fast food restaurant. My boss was in front of me, and in order to get on his good side I offered to pay. Instead, I got fired because I guess my boss assumed I was making fun of his salary, which I knew nothing about. FML

By FOXYgrandpa441 - 19/7/2012 00:41 - United States - Casper

27163

3110

Today, my boyfriend of three years sent me a text message saying "It's over!". I sent him maybe a thousand texts saying "Why?", "What do you mean?!" After an hour of crying and whatnot, I realized he had driver's education today and that he was saying the class was over. FML

By Anonymous - 16/11/2013 10:06 - United States - Rockford

32914

48862

Today, I was at my boyfriend's apartment, when I came across a lacy black thong in the laundry. When confronted, he swore it was his. I don't know what's worse, the possibility that another woman left it there, or the idea that my boyfriend owns and wears women's lingerie. FML

By botharebad - 13/3/2010 05:14 - Canada

31307

3225

Today, my mother has stooped to a new level of "hiding" Christmas gifts. She now just dumps them in the middle of the floor and says, "Don't look at them." If she even thinks I'm glancing in the direction of the pile, she will burst into a manic rage, and yell at me for "ruining the surprise." FML

By Mandy93 - 20/12/2012 13:57 - Germany - Reipoltskirchen

32069

7671

Today, I was arrested for DWI in my own apartment complex. I had to be released into the custody of a sober adult, but I wasn't allowed access to my phone to get any numbers. I only have a few memorized. So I was picked up from jail by my ex-girlfriend and her fiancé - my manager at work. FML

By Ben - 1/3/2010 03:46 - United States

20944

17289

Today, I had to write a huge lab for my physics class. It's worth my entire quarter grade and I use a program on a CD for graphing. My mom thought it was a computer game and hid the CD. She can't find it. The lab's due tomorrow. FML

By Bento - 5/10/2009 05:27 - United States

43108

3824

Today, my mom asked me if I had any plans to go out tonight. To divert attention, I pretended to be angry and accused her of prying into my social life. Actually, I have no social life and nobody to go out with. My only "big plans" were to finish my Sudoku book. FML

By Anonymous - 16/8/2012 06:33 - United States

11093

24057

Today, I had my first concert and was really anxious about screwing up my performance. Good news: I played fine. Bad news: as I walked off the stage, I tripped over my own feet, face-planted the floor, and busted my nose open. FML

By Anonymous - 4/3/2015 18:20 - United States

34609

3024

Today, I bought my fiancée a dress for her birthday. She accused me of saying she was fat, because I bought it in medium rather than small. After trying on the dress, she's now not only mad at me for buying it, but also because the dress fits perfectly. FML

By drebel - 9/3/2011 22:27 - United States

48243

4532

Today, I dropped the collection basket during Christmas Mass at my Catholic church. Money and checks fell all over the floor and everyone was staring at me. I was too stunned to even pick it up. There were about 1,500 people from our town there and my family won't stop bringing it up. FML

By Anonymous - 26/12/2016 05:59

8499

1389

Today, we started our 17 hour drive to Michigan for spring break. My mom decided to go to Target to buy some music CDs. All she bought was three Nicki Minaj CDs. She has already replayed the first CD four times. 14 hours to go. FML

By :( - 19/3/2013 20:12 - United States - Hilton Head Island

43773

4017

Today, my co-workers figured out that I was in high school when my husband was in kindergarten. They won't stop calling me a "cougar". FML

By Anonymous - 11/6/2013 03:19 - United States - Warsaw

34975

52296

Today, I was complimented by a stranger, who said I looked great in my outfit. I thanked her, and she immediately gave me a fist-bump. I stared curiously, and she explained: she was arguing with her friends about whether I'm a man or a woman. The pitch of my voice was the answer. FML

By Anonymous - 15/9/2013 07:53 - United States - Carbondale

48289

4479