Love: Today, I was telling off one of my friends, a fellow student... - FML

By Gen - France

Today, I was telling off one of my friends, a fellow student of medicine, who was spending his evenings watching "House" instead of revising for our important exam, as I was. The topic mentioned in the episode came up in the exam. He got 4 points more than I did. FML

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Innocent

Lobbied

So you had a bad day…

By Anonymous

Today, while covering lunch for the self-checkout host, I noticed a customer walking away. I smiled and said "Have a nice night!" A few minutes later, I saw that she'd left without paying on her machine. I'd smiled and waved at a lady as she stole from me. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while working as a line cook, one of the servers sincerely asked me, "What sauce goes on a chicken bacon ranch sandwich?" I replied, a little incredulously I'll admit, "…Ranch." She then totally lost her cool and went full-blown adult temper tantrum because I was, "mean to her." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband left his laptop logged in to a chat site after leaving for work. Curious, I read some of the logs, and discovered he has been posing as a woman and holding filthy conversations with "hot teen lesbians" for the past several months. FML

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By Joanna

Today, during sex I said my side dick's name instead of my boyfriend. He isn't speaking to me now. FML

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By um...no? i don't think so anyway - United States - Warren

Today, I finally got the courage to tell the girl I like how I feel. She instantly burst out laughing and said "A crush? Dude, what are you, 12?! Hahaha!" FML

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By mark - France

Today, I fell asleep on the train, totally wiped out after last night's party, which involved lots of booze and spicy Indian food. I wake up and notice a small boy staring at me, so I smiled at him. He turned to his father and said, "Daddy, the farting man has just woken up." FML

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By sorrynotsorry - United States - Vancouver

Today, a customer told my boss I was too pushy because I asked her what bra size she wears. I work at a lingerie store. I got a stern lecture from my boss. FML

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By too eager - Australia - Hurstville

Today, I had a date with an amazing girl so in the shower I wanted to make sure I was extra clean. With the soaped up shower puff in hand I tried to get as much of my back as I could which led to me pushing too far and dislocating my shoulder. FML

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By Shamed - United Kingdom

Today, I was on the toilet at work. After a very loud and very smelly session, I waited until the other stall had been vacated to keep my anonymity. As I leant forward for some toilet roll, my ID fell out of my pocket and into the next stall. When I came out, it was face up near the sink. FML

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By Rowansgonnarow

Today, a girl I recently slept with messaged me, explaining through a rendition of "Call Me Maybe" that she'd given me chlamydia. FML

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By Suzi_d16 - 20/4/2020 23:00

Oh well, maybe next… year?

Today, I was supposed to get married. Unfortunately, it was cancelled because of the coronavirus. FML

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By dumped - United States

Today, my girlfriend's best friend was dumped, and was absolutely depressed. My girlfriend thought she'd show her sympathy by breaking up with me so they "could be single together." FML

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By sierra.sl31

Today, my boyfriend of over a year decided he wants us to wait to get married before having sex again, after we've had sex almost every night of being together. FML

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By regrettably well rested - United States - Clearfield

Today, I set 3 alarms so I wouldn't miss an early morning event I was volunteering at. After I slept through the first one, my roommate turned the other two off without waking me up because they were annoying. I missed the event. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got married. Tonight, I received the best orgasm of my life. Not from my husband; from the jacuzzi tub in our honeymoon suite, where he was passed out drunk. FML

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By atalose - United States - North Las Vegas

Today, my college professor said that anyone who misses the final next week automatically fails, "even if their grandmother died." My grandmother, the woman who raised me, died last night and her funeral is next week. Same day as the final. Across the country. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/5/2020 08:00

Evil will always win

Today, I tried to suspend a junior accountant for turning up to work late and stoned 3 separate times. Turns out his uncle is a part owner of the business, so the accountant got to smile his smug little grin as I got yelled at for not minding my own business. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Barry

Today, I had to sneak out of work to get my daughter from her school. Apparently, she had thought that hurling a bowling ball down the stairs during the lunch hour rush would make her cool. In actual fact, it made her expelled. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/3/2020 08:02

Constructive criticism

Today, I had just finished a really intense workout in my garage gym. It was chilly outside, but I crossed the road home in my shorts, as I was still pretty hot and sweaty. A woman walked by and asked, "Aren't you cold, you skinny little whore?" FML

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By j0j0 - France

Today, I tried demonstrate to my little brother that, unlike what he sees in cartoons, it is impossible to slip on a banana peel. I'm not too sure he's convinced. FML

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By lalalasmiles06

Today, I put a tampon in. The string broke. I had to go to the hospital to get it out. FML

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By HughGorgy - Canada

Today, after sex with my girlfriend, I thought it would be sexy to wear her underwear until we saw each other again. I found a pair in her bathroom, but they definitely weren't her sexy ones. Her mom walked in on me to collect the laundry and screeched "What are you doing with my panties!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bend

Today, I had a feminine emergency. After scrounging up 4 quarters to use the machine in the women's bathroom, it dispensed a diaper. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, my mother-in-law grounded me because I went to the store in the "dangerous" rain. My husband says that if I don't obey then we won't work out. FML

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By hungry hungry harvey - United States

Today, my wife is so determined to keep me on my diet that, as I'm off work for the next week, she has gotten rid of all the food in the house. She has also taken the phones and iPads so I can't order a takeaway, and taken all my trousers so I can't walk to the shops. FML

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By Anonymous - Germany - Titisee-neustadt

Today, I'm the only grandchild who regularly visits, calls and runs errands for my grandparents, even though I live two hours away. I'm also their biggest disappointment because I'm not married. FML

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By ~~~~ - Belgium - Hemiksem

Today, my boyfriend added me to his friends' private Whatsapp group, after weeks of asking him to include me in more of his life. It turns out almost all they do is post pictures of their shits and rate them. There is nearly a year's worth of pictures. FML

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By FML1994 - United States

Today, my family was discussing the new rules of the house we are moving in. They told my sister she couldn't have any boys in her room. They didn't tell me I couldn't have any girls in my room. Even my parents think I can't get a girlfriend. FML

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By kdriver - Canada - Oakville

Today, I'm fostering a very shy cat who doesn't like to be held. I had to move the litter box to another room, but when I picked him up to show him where I'd moved it to, he peed on me. FML

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By carson28 - United States

Today, I saw a homeless man on the corner, I thought I would be generous and give him some cash. I rolled down my window and waved my hand for him to come over. As he was walking over, he was struck by another car. FML

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By crap car - United States - Golden

Today, a friend was making fun of our teacher's car, calling it dorkmobile and saying only idiots would own that car. It's the same as the car I just bought. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my pregnant wife paged my emergency line at work. Thinking she was in serious danger, I raced home and found her hysterically crying. When I asked her what was going on, she replied, "The dogs won't stop barking!" FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my mom borrowed my computer without my permission and downloaded a virus. I came home to a blue screen of death. She refuses to admit fault and pay for a new computer. FML

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By DisappointedDaughter

Today, I’m counting the things my mother has broken or ruined since I let her move in with me a year ago. So far, the list contains a Christmas tree, my power drill, a toaster oven, inherited kitchen knives, an expensive bath towel set, multiple kitchen gadgets, a flatbed scanner and a laser printer. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Orange Park

Today, it's the 11th day I've been in the hospital due to my kidneys. My mother has come in every day since to make me feel bad about missing Thanksgiving. FML

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Online life

Today, I found out that the girl I've been dating online for over three months is actually a very bored 14-year-old boy. FML

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By Jen1444 - United States - Rockaway Park

Ouch.

Today, I gave a financial presentation to my entire firm. After it was over, somebody accidentally copied me on a group text that said, "Her zipper was open the whole time. If we're so successful, why is our CFO wearing a urine-stained store-brand K-Mart panties?" FML

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By NowHomeless - United States

Today, my roommate woke me up during afternoon nap to tell me that I need to move out. His reason: "Our political differences will likely escalate to violence." FML

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By a-non - United States

Today, I realized that the dog humping my leg was the most action I've gotten in months. FML

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By fml_for_real - United States

Today, I asked my boyfriend to ravish me. He told me he would rather play PS3. FML

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Top comments

By cndrow | 0

#923 - Monday 9 February 2009 23:33

Of course he'd make a better grade- House, simply, rocks. Everyone knows this!

By Cantexplain1234 | 0

#27691 - Thursday 12 March 2009 4:58

If house was the president and you were an assassin i'd take the bullet

COMMENTS

By cndrow | 0

#923 - Monday 9 February 2009 23:33

Of course he'd make a better grade- House, simply, rocks. Everyone knows this!

Reply

hunterhound | 0

#2969289 - Monday 25 July 2011 5:09

amen lol

By 0___0 | 9

#9192 - Saturday 28 February 2009 10:35

:D House is the best, he deserved the good grade ;)
mmm sexy I love House!!!

By 0___0 | 9

#9193 - Saturday 28 February 2009 10:38

:D House is the best, he deserved the good grade ;)
mmm sexy I love House!!!

By phonyreal98 | 0

#12015 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 3:36

Dude, that's such a douchy cutthroat medical student thing to complain about.

Not that I have a problem with that....just sayin'

Reply

Torunn | 13

#4514880 - Sunday 3 June 2012 6:14

*Cutthroat bitch. :)

By phonyreal98 | 0

#12023 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 3:41

Oh, and I agree with the above poster that if you want to show this guy, just kick ass on your USMLE's, get a better residency, etc.

By TheEpicScrewup | 0

#20179 - Saturday 7 March 2009 22:26

NEVER put someone down for watching House. House is the man. Maybe, If you watched the sexiness that is Dr. House, you could learn something.

Reply

idefka | 33

#6432041 - Sunday 11 October 2015 3:18

House is such a duck though. but it's ok because he's also awesome.

By MEGAJOSH | 0

#22673 - Monday 9 March 2009 3:57

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

ijustlaugh | 0

#2754654 - Saturday 25 June 2011 7:43

oh yeah what statistical data do you have to prove it? because my dad, my mom, and me a female girl watch house and I think none of us are homos :]

By Ichigo_fml | 0

#23293 - Monday 9 March 2009 17:59

i love house and now you know

By Cantexplain1234 | 0

#27691 - Thursday 12 March 2009 4:58

If house was the president and you were an assassin i'd take the bullet

By thewisefoolHHH | 1

#32510 - Sunday 15 March 2009 9:07

HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!!