Today, I had a seizure in class. Being an epileptic, I had warned... - FML

By seizuregirl17 - United States - Boston

Today, I had a seizure in class. Being an epileptic, I had warned my professor of the possibility that I could have one in class. She was understanding and seemed very concerned about my issue at the time. After I had the seizure, however, she asked me if I had ever tried exorcism. FML

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Instadrama

Capitalism kills

Clocked

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I ignored my cat's incessant meowing, and pushed him away every time he wanted to be petted. The next time I walked downstairs I found him dead. FML

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By K-9cop - United States

Today, my girlfriend of 2 years broke up with me because I hadn't popped the question to her yet. For the last six months, I have been respectfully trying to convince her over protective father to give me his blessing. FML

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By nemi - Norway

Today, I was out having a beer with a few friends. After getting a pint, I slipped in a puddle of beer, fell on top of a stranger on the sofa, and knocked my beer upside down on my head. Then, completely soaked, I realized I'd also knocked over the table, spilling its content on a poor girl across it. FML

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By oxbbabexo - United States

Today, I was talking to a guy I met online and have known for 4 years. I've fallen in love with him twice, one of those times being currently. He was supposed to visit this summer. I got an email from him saying he's really a 17 year old girl from Chesterfield, MO. FML

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By RavingLunatic - United States - Gilbert

Today, I desperately needed to let off some steam at work, so I went outside and screamed obscenities at the top of my lungs, before heading back inside. The police then showed up to investigate complaints of a "raving lunatic" in the area. FML

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By Latina - United States - Phoenix

Today, my boyfriend of over a year told me he wanted to learn Korean before Spanish. Apparently, being able to sing along to Gangnam Style is more important to him than being able to speak with my family. FML

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By Peter C. - United States

Today, my friends and I were messing around with an app on my phone that makes your picture look fat. My picture looked the same before and after. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/12/2019 20:00

Bumbling

Today, my girlfriend and I enjoyed a lovely shower together. It was indeed lovely until her father came into the washroom to say “Welcome to the family!” whilst taking a giant shit. FML

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By bobra

Helter Skelter

Today, I decided to face my fears and go on my first upside-down ride. Unfortunately for me, the two men in front of me had chosen to eat before the ride and I walked off with bits of strawberry and bacon in my hair, my clothes drenched in whitish fluid, not to mention the stench. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was at the doctor's getting some skin scraped off the bottom of my foot for some tests. As soon as the doctor grabbed my foot, it tickled and I accidentally kicked him in the face. During this, the blade sliced my foot open. FML

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By pear8head - United States

Today, I ran into my new apartment neighbor. She said she could hear me and my girlfriend having wild sex last night. She told me she had always wanted to have a threesome. My new neighbor is as old as my grandma, and even resembles her. I politely declined. FML

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By wellthen - United States - Clarksville

Today, I was at a rodeo warming up while my mom unnecessarily bragged about my training skills to a client. My horse then threw me into a gate at a full gallop, in front of everyone. That was the first time he'd ever misbehaved. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I ran into my ex-girlfriend, the love of my life. Actually I ran into a billboard for her college, where apparently she is the new "poster girl" for their advertising campaign. I have now seen her on 2 billboards, a newspaper ad and a bus. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Herndon

Today, I excitedly told my husband that I'm pregnant with our first child. With the most shit-eating grin, he said, "Hi, Pregnant. I'm dad." FML

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By Emmaraine189 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I saw my cat licking something on the side of the road and went to check what it was. It was someone's old cigarette. I now know why she wants to be let out so often: She's addicted to nicotine. FML

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By NormalName

Today, a new coworker asked me how to pronounce my name and made a dismissive remark that "All Asian names are so hard to pronounce and they all sound the same". My name is Christopher. FML

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By nikto

Today, I went speed dating. I arrived at my first date and she looked me up and down and said, "Oh, that's awkward." FML

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By Broc'n dreams - New Zealand - Auckland

Face Your Fears

Today, I woke up screaming "FUCK OFF!" because I had a dream that someone threw broccoli through my window. FML

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By angela - 9/4/2020 23:00

Busted!

Today, I went to a party. Although I wasn't drinking, I was still afraid the cops would bust me. Halfway through the party, the cops showed up. I tried to hop a fence, ripping my pants and cutting my leg in the meantime. It wasn't until was on the ground that I found out there was a gate. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I sent the girl I like a Twinkie with a note saying "Enjoy! You deserve it". I found out later through an angry email that someone had written "you damn fatty" on the end of the note. FML

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By rubmytummy - United States

Today, I was helping my church clean up a park. I was given a sledgehammer and told to break up a concrete picnic table so we could haul it off. About half way through I swung the sledgehammer REALLY hard, completely missed the table, and hit myself in the shin. FML

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By Nochnoii - Belgium

Today, I was chewing my pen while I was paying attention to my teacher. I chewed a bit too hard, and something broke off, so I casually looked at my pen. It was unharmed. One of my front teeth had broken off. Everyone in class, including the teacher, had to see it before I could call my dentist. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Simi Valley

Today, one of my paintings was accepted into a local art gallery. It would've been a dream come true, had my "best friend" not submitted it under her own name and taken all the credit. FML

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By Lovesucks - 2/12/2019 14:00 - United Arab Emirates - Dubai

Is she better than me?

Today, I found out my boyfriend, who is buying me a ring for my birthday is buying my best friend a ring that cost 10 times more than mine. FML

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By Me - United States

Today, I got a boner at the dentist. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Reno

Today, my grandpa moved into the house to live with my family. Along with having to share a room with him, he swears that having the AC on will give him pneumonia, and he keeps saying he's "freezing" when the temperature inside gets below 85. We live in Nevada. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/9/2020 17:01

Negotiations

Today, I had to tell my 28-year-old roommate she needs to wash her hands after using the bathroom. She then said she’d try, as long as I try to put my dishes in the dishwasher. Those aren’t even on the same level. FML

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By imfullthanks - Norway

Today, my mother had to take a stool sample because she has been ill for several days. Curious, I eventually had to ask, "how did you intercept the poo before it got submerged in water?". She yelled from the other room, "you know that little plate with the red stripe". I was eating off of it. FML

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By painfetish8021 - United States - Winston Salem

Today, my boyfriend introduced me to his parents. My boyfriend is Japanese, and I wanted to introduce myself in Japanese so I'd asked him. Little did I know he'd taught me how to say, "Hello, I love your son's cock." I almost got kicked out of their house. FML

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By whiskey'swino

Today, while working in a dark nightclub, I dropped a red charger. Retracing my steps, I found it, or so I thought until I picked up a used tampon. FML

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By Bonding_boys - United States - Elk River

Today, I came home to find my husband and our 4-year-old son simultaneously peeing off the second-floor balcony. My husband was giggling like a little girl. FML

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By Amber - United States

Today, I realized why my bathroom has been smelling so bad. My 10-year-old son has been peeing on the radiator, thinking it's fun to watch it steam and sizzle. FML

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By Veronica Rambo

Today, it was my first day going to work with new hours where I'm in the office alone for an hour. I managed to lock myself out without my jacket, my phone, and my keys. It was raining. FML

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By lala - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were flipping through magazines and got on the topic of how airbrushed the girls were. My boyfriend then pointed out all of the flaws on my body that would need to be airbrushed away if I was in a magazine. FML

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By failure - Australia

Today, I rang my girlfriend to make sure she made it home alright. She told me to check my facebook. Nothing was different so I hit refresh. We were no longer in a relationship. I got dumped via facebook whilst on the phone to her. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I sat across from a cute boy in my English class. I thought it was cute when he winked at me, so I laughed and winked back. I didn't understand why he shot me a dirty look, until I later found out he has eyelid spasms. FML

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By randomjulz - United States

Today, my husband asked me to come see his turd. After saying no, he said, "What kind of wife are you?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was hanging out at a friend's house. Her adorable 5 year old sister came up, gave me a hug, and said, "You're fat. When are you going home?" FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Oxford

Today, I got a call from my roommate's mother, asking me to hide her flip flops so she couldn't wear them out in sub-zero temperatures. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I baked a chicken pot pie in the oven. I pulled it out, and noticed a big piece of tasty-looking, flaky pastry had come loose. Without thinking I ripped it off and popped it into my mouth. I HEARD the skin on the inside of my cheeks burn. FML

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Top comments

By MBSC | 11

#5760465 - Tuesday 19 November 2013 18:29

Did you ask if she'd ever tried science?

By Welshite | 39

#5760477 - Tuesday 19 November 2013 18:34

I tried Science once. Once. It tasted like bitter tears and soul-crushing sorrow.

Try History instead. I've heard it tastes of forgotten dreams and endless hopes.

COMMENTS

By MBSC | 11

#5760465 - Tuesday 19 November 2013 18:29

Did you ask if she'd ever tried science?

Reply

Welshite | 39

#5760477 - Tuesday 19 November 2013 18:34

I tried Science once. Once. It tasted like bitter tears and soul-crushing sorrow.

Try History instead. I've heard it tastes of forgotten dreams and endless hopes.

Reply

HeyHeyFishFillet | 34

#5760487 - Tuesday 19 November 2013 18:46

Yeah science!

Reply

HKCgrimmjow | 15

#5760488 - Tuesday 19 November 2013 18:47

The power of stupidity compels her!

Reply

Zimmington | 21

#5760490 - Tuesday 19 November 2013 18:48

13- History...? Psh sure it tastes sweet but it doesn't nearly get you drunk enough.

I had a shot of the Future once... Wow! that stuff had me drunk for days with no hangover!

Reply

Rianokami | 22

#5760556 - Tuesday 19 November 2013 19:32

History is a heady mix that tastes good at first, but then you wake up with a killer headache.

Reply

KOMkD | 4

#5760615 - Tuesday 19 November 2013 20:24

Science, bitch!

Reply

swaggalikethat | 22

#5760631 - Tuesday 19 November 2013 20:41

#13, most poetic comment on this site. I might use that. I'll quote you though.

Reply

idioticmess | 15

#5859679 - Sunday 16 February 2014 6:12

#13 i think you described hitler in both of those. thats basicly him before and at the end of the war.

By nikkipettyfer | 24

#5760466 - Tuesday 19 November 2013 18:30

That's messed up..

Reply

BadApple88 | 29

#5760563 - Tuesday 19 November 2013 19:37

She's a dumbass

By saraitkddh | 47

#5760467 - Tuesday 19 November 2013 18:30

Sorry OP, I wonder how in the first place she got to be a professor!

Reply

perdix | 29

#5760505 - Tuesday 19 November 2013 18:59

#4, Blowjobs. Next question?

Reply

Kimmismith | 11

#5760542 - Tuesday 19 November 2013 19:23

I'm sure she was being ignorant of Op's health.. And trying to make a joke in front of the class lol

Reply

Zimmington | 21

#5760575 - Tuesday 19 November 2013 19:42

34- I would think a professor would be above pushing there beliefs on others...

Is professionalism completely dead?

Reply

Newboy237 | 4

#5760583 - Tuesday 19 November 2013 19:47

Why not titjobs?

By Rainhawk94 | 27

#5760469 - Tuesday 19 November 2013 18:31

She mocked your seizure. You mocked her grave

Reply

HeyHeyFishFillet | 34

#5760496 - Tuesday 19 November 2013 18:50

Yes it makes us all wonder...does she even science, OP?

By Mshrodes | 13

#5760470 - Tuesday 19 November 2013 18:31

Did she miss the 21st century's train ? And the one before ? And the one before...?

By HSArchon | 9

#5760472 - Tuesday 19 November 2013 18:32

Well, maybe she was just trying to be funny.

By Xquisite1 | 28

#5760473 - Tuesday 19 November 2013 18:32

"THE POWER OF STUPIDITY COMPELS HER"!

By SamCat | 21

#5760474 - Tuesday 19 November 2013 18:32

sei.zure is a bitch!

(sorry op, I couldn't help myself)

Reply

ahh_rats | 15

#5760619 - Tuesday 19 November 2013 20:25

Super LOL

Reply

jayceejaco | 15

#5761166 - Wednesday 20 November 2013 5:34

Wait..what?

By TheComedyAudio | 29

#5760475 - Tuesday 19 November 2013 18:32

You should have turned your head around and threw up...

By HAMY_fml | 23

#5760478 - Tuesday 19 November 2013 18:35

At least she tried to be nice about your condition unlike other teachers.

Reply

Alycat6363 | 15

#5760495 - Tuesday 19 November 2013 18:50

But exorcism? That almost cancels out her being nice about it.

Reply

alycion | 38

#5760508 - Tuesday 19 November 2013 19:01

Some people can be very nice about medical conditions until they are standing there when something happens. Then panic sets in. Sometimes bad humor is a way of dealing with it.