Health: Today, I had a seizure in class. Being an epileptic, I had warned... - FML

By seizuregirl17 - United States - Boston

Today, I had a seizure in class. Being an epileptic, I had warned my professor of the possibility that I could have one in class. She was understanding and seemed very concerned about my issue at the time. After I had the seizure, however, she asked me if I had ever tried exorcism. FML

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This Charming Man

Mom of the year

Medicare for all, please

By Jogger - 19/8/2020 14:01

Stealth bomber

Today, I was standing in line at a coffee shop when the guy stood behind me let out a huge fart, then walked away. The rest of the line turned around, thinking that it was me. An old lady started to lecture me about being rude, while the guy who did it laughed behind his mask in the corner of the shop. FML

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By okay._. - United States - Marysville

Today, I texted my boyfriend saying that I couldn't wait for him to get home and see my costume, and that I had dressed up as a naked lady. He texted back asking if I could dress up as someone who was making dinner instead. FML

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By rob

Today, I admitted to my girlfriend that I'd kissed another girl five days before we got together. She told me, "That's OK, I slept with my boss last week." FML

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By darkangel7410 - United States - Lafayette

Today, after working for Uber for a few weeks I realized that my driver rating was dropping. After looking into it, one of the 1-star ratings claimed "mechanical problems". The description of the reason, "He drives a Ford." FML

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By Mortified - Australia

Today, I was in the living room with my brother and his two older, hot friends when my mother walks out from the toilet and tells me, "Honey, if you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweetie wipe the seatie." Need I say more? FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I received a notification that someone opened a fraudulent credit card in my name. I'm not sure what's worse: that they were approved at all with my terrible credit, or that I was denied for this exact card when I applied out of desperation last month to pay for my service dog's surgery. FML

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By sheisselluv - Germany - Gera

Today, was my first day of work in my life. I was excited, and so was my dad, who saw me to the door and ruffled my hair as he wished me luck. I didn't notice until half an hour after arriving at work that he'd stuck his gum in my hair. Nobody bothered to tell me. FML

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By fmlcops - United States

Today, my car died on a major road, a cop pulled over to help, he offered to jump me, while doing so because my battery was so dead he told me to put the gas on the floor, I did and my car roared to life, he then pulled me over five feet from where my car died to give me a ticket for a loud exhaust. FML

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By woman - United States - La Crosse

Today, I was singing in the shower, when some suds from my shampoo fell into my mouth and down my throat. I retched and sputtered for about two minutes before finally throwing up. FML

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By AdriBAMF - United States

Today, I got asked to Homecoming by the person I really like. I said yes and I was really excited. But my best friend who has liked me since the 6th grade wasn't. He went and broke my date's jaw. FML

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By budbunny13 - United States

Today, I saw a pink, slimy thing coming out of my dog's knob. I got really freaked out so I took him to the vet, only to find out that it was his penis. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Poplar Hill

Today, I announced my third pregnancy to my family. My dad's only reaction was to scoff, "Really? Stop breeding already." FML

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By Anonymous - Norway

Today, a truck rear-ended my car and drove off. I could see everything from my office, everything except his license plate. FML

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By Salliemae - United States - Manchester

Today, my boyfriend took my car on a 3-day vacation, stranding me in our extremely rural town. I have a box of ziti, a jar of expired pickles, no cable or Netflix, and no water since the well ran dry. Why am I here? "Someone needs to stay with the dog and feed the cows." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I went to fetch our bins after they were collected, only to scare the child that was trying to fit inside our compost bin. Apparently, she's not allowed to play in hers because she already broke two by doing this. These bins are $75 a piece. FML

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By urgg - United States

Today, I woke up from a dream in which I had a penis. Apparently I talk in my sleep, because my boyfriend kept staring at my crotch. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/7/2020 23:01

Caught spunk-handed

Today, I was watching porn in the living room with the volume turned up, because I was under the impression that my family had already left for vacation. It turns out my cousin and his girlfriend were upstairs the entire time. FML

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By Anonymous - Egypt - Cairo

Today, I woke up to a flooded basement. That basement is my bedroom, so I'm completely surrounded by water. All I need is a tiger and this would be like The Life of Pi. FML

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By 19collegestudentandpregant - United States - Loretto

Today, I found out my parents are divorcing and my mom is moving out. I'm 11 weeks pregnant. Breaking the news should be fun. FML

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By birdguts - United Kingdom

Today, after 2 years together, my boyfriend finally proposed. I excitedly said yes. Just as we began to kiss, my half crazed cat ran in, dropped a half eaten bird at our feet, and promptly threw up on the carpet. FML

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By upupandaway - United States

Today, I spent two hours perfecting a really romantic text message to my boyfriend for our one year anniversary. I listed all the things I loved about him, and recalled some of our best times together. Two minutes after I sent it, he replied, "Huh?" FML

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By Chatons - Switzerland

Today, my kittens hunted and killed their first prey. My hamster. FML

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By samikai523 - United States

Today, my sister told me she didn’t want me in her wedding pictures because I looked fat in my bridesmaid's dress. FML

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By Lady - United States

Today, I had to clean my house to hide the evidence of the party I threw last night. I attempted to clean the puke stain on my carpet while still drunk. I didn't realize until this morning that the All Purpose cleaner I used was actually All Purpose Adhesive. The evidence is now glued to my carpet. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Springfield

Today, of the two IDs I possess, I handed the cop that pulled me over the fake one. FML

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By John - Australia

Today, I parked my convertible in the 5 minute bay at the post office. When I came back out I noticed a bum in the front seat pretending to drive it. After shouting at him and pulling him out, he stumbled off. I was then slapped with a ticket for being parked longer than 5 minutes. FML

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By whipplewhip - United States

Today, my husband and I were at the mall, and decided to have a snack at the food court. As we ate, an obese woman squeezed past our table, butt facing us. Just when her ass-cheeks slid past our heads, she let out a horrific fart that my father would be proud of. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was eating breakfast at an IHOP. As I was eating, the old man sitting directly behind me started discussing every aspect of his spastic colon, in vivid detail. FML

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By ssenmodnaR

Today, I learned that I'm in that special kind of relationship where my ex thinks we're still married, no matter how many times I tell him that we were divorced over a year ago. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was selling personalised stockings at work. When handing a customer's order over to her, which had no name on, I joked, "Oooh this is a bit mysterious". She replied, "Actually, it's in memory of the baby I miscarried earlier this year." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Buffalo

Today, during a meeting with my boss, she explained she's giving me one more chance before she has to fire me. Her reason? I accidentally ordered chicken on a salad last week for a meeting and she feels my performance has gone down the tubes. FML

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By Anonymous - Denmark

Today, someone whistled, so I turned around. The guy behind me then said, "Did you seriously think that it was meant for you?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Medication shutdown

Today, I realized that due to my anti-depressants, I can no longer orgasm. At. All. Which depresses me more. FML

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By im_not_me - Australia

Today, I was talking to my girlfriend on Facebook. She's in the forces, and it was her birthday. I asked her if she liked the flowers I sent her. She thanked me, then asked if she could remove our relationship status. When I asked why, she said, "It's not like we're really going out anymore." FML

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By kindgartin - Canada

Today, I was listening to my son's teacher gossip about students whilst in the grocery store. I was thrilled when she described my son as "A model student". However, she then went on to say, "Which is surprising considering that his parents are trailer trash." FML

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By mayhemily - Canada - Aurora

Today, I passed out in my kitchen and was woken up by my dog. Not because she was worried about me, but because my body was blocking her food dish. FML

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By threw my underwear out too - United States - Hyde Park

Today, my girlfriend and I took a walk on the beach at night. We were completely alone, so she started blowing me. It was great for the first five minutes, but she had just eaten dinner and (apparently) wasn't feeling great. I ended the night in the shower picking vomit out of my pubes. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I threw a party. My drunk boyfriend decided to bring my 50-inch flatscreen TV downstairs from our bedroom. The TV didn't make it. FML

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By perverted teenage girl

Today, my crush was giving a presentation in class. I zoned out and began staring off into space - which happened to be in the exact direction of his crotch. When I realized what I was doing, I quickly looked up at his face. He was already looking at me, with an expression of severe discomfort. FML

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By stachattack

Today, I reassured everyone at work that the mark on my lip was just a pimple, not a cold sore. It's actually neither. I, a 21-year-old young woman, slipped while shaving my moustache and sliced off part of my lip. FML

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Top comments

By MBSC | 11

#5760465 - Tuesday 19 November 2013 18:29

Did you ask if she'd ever tried science?

By Welshite | 39

#5760477 - Tuesday 19 November 2013 18:34

I tried Science once. Once. It tasted like bitter tears and soul-crushing sorrow.

Try History instead. I've heard it tastes of forgotten dreams and endless hopes.

COMMENTS

By MBSC | 11

#5760465 - Tuesday 19 November 2013 18:29

Did you ask if she'd ever tried science?

Reply

Welshite | 39

#5760477 - Tuesday 19 November 2013 18:34

I tried Science once. Once. It tasted like bitter tears and soul-crushing sorrow.

Try History instead. I've heard it tastes of forgotten dreams and endless hopes.

Reply

HeyHeyFishFillet | 34

#5760487 - Tuesday 19 November 2013 18:46

Yeah science!

Reply

HKCgrimmjow | 15

#5760488 - Tuesday 19 November 2013 18:47

The power of stupidity compels her!

Reply

Zimmington | 21

#5760490 - Tuesday 19 November 2013 18:48

13- History...? Psh sure it tastes sweet but it doesn't nearly get you drunk enough.

I had a shot of the Future once... Wow! that stuff had me drunk for days with no hangover!

Reply

Rianokami | 22

#5760556 - Tuesday 19 November 2013 19:32

History is a heady mix that tastes good at first, but then you wake up with a killer headache.

Reply

KOMkD | 4

#5760615 - Tuesday 19 November 2013 20:24

Science, bitch!

Reply

swaggalikethat | 22

#5760631 - Tuesday 19 November 2013 20:41

#13, most poetic comment on this site. I might use that. I'll quote you though.

Reply

idioticmess | 15

#5859679 - Sunday 16 February 2014 6:12

#13 i think you described hitler in both of those. thats basicly him before and at the end of the war.

By nikkipettyfer | 24

#5760466 - Tuesday 19 November 2013 18:30

That's messed up..

Reply

BadApple88 | 29

#5760563 - Tuesday 19 November 2013 19:37

She's a dumbass

By saraitkddh | 47

#5760467 - Tuesday 19 November 2013 18:30

Sorry OP, I wonder how in the first place she got to be a professor!

Reply

perdix | 29

#5760505 - Tuesday 19 November 2013 18:59

#4, Blowjobs. Next question?

Reply

Kimmismith | 11

#5760542 - Tuesday 19 November 2013 19:23

I'm sure she was being ignorant of Op's health.. And trying to make a joke in front of the class lol

Reply

Zimmington | 21

#5760575 - Tuesday 19 November 2013 19:42

34- I would think a professor would be above pushing there beliefs on others...

Is professionalism completely dead?

Reply

Newboy237 | 4

#5760583 - Tuesday 19 November 2013 19:47

Why not titjobs?

By Rainhawk94 | 27

#5760469 - Tuesday 19 November 2013 18:31

She mocked your seizure. You mocked her grave

Reply

HeyHeyFishFillet | 34

#5760496 - Tuesday 19 November 2013 18:50

Yes it makes us all wonder...does she even science, OP?

By Mshrodes | 13

#5760470 - Tuesday 19 November 2013 18:31

Did she miss the 21st century's train ? And the one before ? And the one before...?

By HSArchon | 9

#5760472 - Tuesday 19 November 2013 18:32

Well, maybe she was just trying to be funny.

By Xquisite1 | 28

#5760473 - Tuesday 19 November 2013 18:32

"THE POWER OF STUPIDITY COMPELS HER"!

By SamCat | 21

#5760474 - Tuesday 19 November 2013 18:32

sei.zure is a bitch!

(sorry op, I couldn't help myself)

Reply

ahh_rats | 15

#5760619 - Tuesday 19 November 2013 20:25

Super LOL

Reply

jayceejaco | 15

#5761166 - Wednesday 20 November 2013 5:34

Wait..what?

By TheComedyAudio | 29

#5760475 - Tuesday 19 November 2013 18:32

You should have turned your head around and threw up...

By HAMY_fml | 23

#5760478 - Tuesday 19 November 2013 18:35

At least she tried to be nice about your condition unlike other teachers.

Reply

Alycat6363 | 15

#5760495 - Tuesday 19 November 2013 18:50

But exorcism? That almost cancels out her being nice about it.

Reply

alycion | 38

#5760508 - Tuesday 19 November 2013 19:01

Some people can be very nice about medical conditions until they are standing there when something happens. Then panic sets in. Sometimes bad humor is a way of dealing with it.