Today, I was struggling to cycle up a steep hill. A guy heading...

By adieuvelib - 15/10/2011 01:53 - France

Today, I was struggling to cycle up a steep hill. A guy heading past me on a scooter said I'd lost something. I stopped and looked back. Seeing nothing, I asked him what I lost. He replied, "Your momentum!" FML

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Miscellaneous

KoBabe

Trip Advisor says no

Great guy

By musiclover - 6/12/2009 05:05 - United States

Today, my friend and I went to see our favorite band in concert. We walked at least a mile from our parking space and stood in line for two hours. My friend was supposed to have the tickets in her purse. She actually had, but she left her purse in the car. FML

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By Maddie110110 - 7/6/2011 04:43 - United States

Today, I sent my boyfriend a long and heartfelt message. He responded with "tl; dr". FML

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By Rage - 8/10/2009 17:31 - United States

Today, while working on my girlfriend of three years' computer I found a file called 'My future wedding'. I assumed it was very old and decided to look through it. Of the list of 5 potential grooms I was not one of them. This didn't bother me until I saw that it had last been edited two days ago. FML

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By kdmoney - 23/9/2011 06:16 - United States

Today, my mother said I am slipping too deep into depression since my boyfriend left for college in Fresno. Her solution: buying me a vibrator. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/7/2011 00:31 - United States

Today, while walking home from work, a young teenage girl ran up behind me and dumped a carton of milk on my head. She said, "The cow master baptizes you!" and then ran in the opposite direction, cackling madly. FML

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By Wick - 26/5/2009 19:47 - United States

Today, I got a speeding ticket while driving to my court date for a prior speeding ticket. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/2/2011 18:40 - United States

Today, I went in to the doctor's thinking I had a bladder infection. I walked out knowing I'm pregnant. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/6/2010 10:07 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to a party. No one there was under 60. I'm 16 and it was the only party I've been to all year. FML

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By Sheezey - 24/2/2009 23:14 - United States

Today, I went to the gym and worked out with a trainer. While doing arm exercises he commented on how impressed he was with the size of my triceps. That really boosted my self-confidence, until he leaned in to feel them and said, "Oh, it's just fat." FML

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By Jared - 25/2/2012 19:09 - United States

Today, I got so bored that I drew a face on my index finger, and made a video of me garrotting it with a string. I ended up rupturing a blood vessel, and had to think up a cover story for my girlfriend to explain my screaming. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/4/2015 10:16 - India

Today, the girl I've been seeing for less than a week started raging and ended up threatening me with a knife, after I shot down her idea of getting married next month. FML

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By jrocks - 19/5/2009 17:06 - United States

Today, as I was watching a DVD, I noticed a spider crawling on my crotch area. So, I panicked and smashed the spider, smashing my nuts in the process. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/8/2016 15:01

Today, at the funeral home where I work, I asked my boss if it was time to "bring out the stiff". I didn't realize the guy's family was not only in the building, but within earshot as well. FML

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By lanbon182 - 10/4/2009 05:11 - United States

Today, my fiancé's parents visited. I keep chickens for their eggs, and his parents own a farm, so we had a connection. They told us to leave the house while they cooked us dinner. When we returned, we faced two steaming plates of chicken. My chickens. They had names. FML

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By klala - 8/2/2012 14:07 - Reserved

Today, my boss asked me if I could work on Valentine's Day because there was no chance of me having a date. She's right. FML

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By crazymirrors - 28/7/2009 04:47 - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided that we should go to the carnival in the Bizarre House place where there were a lot of crazy mirrors. I checked myself out in one of the mirrors. Then my boyfriend says "That will probably be the only time you will ever look that skinny." FML

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By S. Tucker - 7/6/2011 09:28 - United States

Today, I learned how unhappy my husband is in our marriage. Apparently he also can't find a good woman. We didn't have a heart-to-heart, I read his woes in a blog. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/7/2016 14:19

Today, I got punched in the face after I beat my stepbrother at Mario Kart. I didn't really get hurt, but he managed to break a finger. My stepmom blamed the whole thing on me, accusing me of being violent and a bad influence on her son. FML

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By appendicitisanyone - 28/12/2016 17:44 - United States - Fairfield

Today, I awoke to the pain of appendicitis. Apparently it isn't a good enough reason to miss court. I now have a warrant out for my arrest. FML

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By thanks google - 4/9/2018 16:30 - United States - Naperville

Today, while I was driving, Google said it found a faster route to save me 15 minutes. I hit accept, only be directed into a gridlock on the interstate, adding an hour to my drive time. FML

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By Disappointed Mom - 31/7/2016 20:31 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I was supposed to be enjoying a long-anticipated, desperately needed, weekend away. Turns out those "little stomach twinges" were actually symptoms of appendicitis. I'm stuck in the hospital, alone, recovering from surgery, while my family is enjoying our non-refundable break. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/3/2011 05:18 - United States

Today, we had to discuss our heritage at school. When I told the class that I am German, Japanese, and of the Jewish faith, the teacher loudly laughs at the "irony." Something like this happens whenever I tell people my background. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/2/2016 11:56 - United States - Newburyport

Today, after a snowstorm my son decided that boarding off the roof onto my truck would be fun. My truck now has a puncture wound. The same truck that drove him to the hospital for his puncture wound and broken arm. FML

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By Moe - 25/9/2009 05:20 - United States

Today, I discovered that I had lost my phone. I drove to the campus to try and find it, and parked in a gated lot where you pay when you leave. All the buildings were closed, so I had to go home. That's when I realized that I didn't have my wallet to get my car out. And no phone to call a ride. FML

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By notdrivinganytimesoon - 4/3/2015 02:35 - United States - Richardson

Today, I got pulled over during my driving test. FML

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By fml - 27/3/2011 01:28 - United States

Today, after 3 years at my job I received a 14% raise. I was informed I will be transitioned from hourly to salary. I will now be making $1500 LESS than I made last year. FML

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By Isa - 15/5/2012 06:48 - United States

Today, my boss at my new job asked whether I was fitting in OK. The company is Swedish, so as a joke, I said that at home I now serve all my food as a smorgasbord, chew on fermented herring and Daim chocolate bars, and buy all my furniture at Ikea. She didn't see the funny side. FML

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By watch_corn_dance - 8/4/2014 02:13 - United States - Pontiac

Today, I was being shown how to use a nail gun while applying for a job at a construction company. The instructor shot me in the arm with it. I didn't even get the job. FML

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By Goki - 6/6/2009 16:23 - Canada

Today, I was shopping at Shoppers Drug Mart with my mom. As we pulled up to the cashier, I noticed it was a really hot girl from my school. Trying to be cool, I told my mom that I'll be paying for the purchases. My debit card was denied. My mom had to pay. FML

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By DuChaillu - 27/1/2010 07:35 - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided to perform a strip tease for me. As he was stripping out of his clothes, he took his shirt and then pants off first. He was wearing zebra striped knee high socks and underwear. I burst out laughing. He left. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/9/2009 21:21 - United States

Today, I told my son and daughter that their father and I were getting a divorce. They each responded with "YAY! I want to live with daddy! He buys better presents." Their father has literally never bought anything for them, the exact reason I'm divorcing him. FML

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By ballerphilip23 - 15/5/2009 17:11 - Austria

Today, I was standing on the packed bus home when I had a speck of dust in my lenses. As I couldn't rub it out, I tried blinking it out for the next five minutes. Then the hot girl opposite me screams "Stop winking at me, you bastard! Don't even think about it, you ugly fuck!" FML

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By Mandy - 26/3/2012 22:21 - United States

Today, I learned why the phrase "seafood taco salad" terrifies everyone in the school's cafeteria. What happened to me after eating it made Saw III look like a Disney movie. FML

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By lonesomegal - 30/1/2015 18:11 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my sister asked me how my boyfriend was doing. He died two years ago. She was the first person I told. FML

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33278

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By has-evil-friends - 26/11/2009 20:30 - United Kingdom

Today, I had six friends round for pizza. When I went to answer the door to the delivery, my friends turned off the lights and pretended they weren't there when I shouted for help carrying all the food. Not only does the cute delivery guy think I'm greedy, but also that I have imaginary friends. FML

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By Passtheicecream - 25/1/2017 22:00

Today, I found out that the last of my super feminist "I'm never getting tied to a man" college friends got engaged. Apparently, I should have tried that tactic, as my current partner in life is my goldfish. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/5/2013 00:50 - United States - Acworth

Today, my wife shaved her pubic hair so that it resembles Hitler's mustache. She won't stop referring to it as "the Clitler". FML

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By Rednbumpy - 18/1/2017 08:00

Today, I was getting ready to meet my boyfriend. We haven't seen each other in a month so I decided to shave my body hair, even though I have really sensitive skin and usually end up getting rashes after a few days. His flight got cancelled and he won't be back for another two days. FML

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By Adam - 16/1/2017 08:00

Today, my wife decided to end our dry spell of four months and started dry humping and kissing me in bed. Things were going well until she orgasmed from the activity and declared that she was too tired to do any more, rolled over, and fell asleep. Five months or bust. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/5/2017 10:00 - United States - Medina

Today, the toilet in the IT department basement broke and flooded the room with a foot of water. In the process, it destroyed a $7000 server and an equally expensive power supply. FML

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Top comments

By ckr911 | 5

#3434264 - Saturday 15 October 2011 6:04

Ahh, smart guy.

By FMLandurstoo | 9

#3434276 - Saturday 15 October 2011 6:05

You did drop something. Your virginity. I'll pick it up for you though. Mmmmmmhmmmmm

COMMENTS

By ckr911 | 5

#3434264 - Saturday 15 October 2011 6:04

Ahh, smart guy.

deviable | 9

#3434387 - Saturday 15 October 2011 6:14

I loved that show.

tatababe | 1

#3434429 - Saturday 15 October 2011 6:18

How creative

tatababe | 1

#3434432 - Saturday 15 October 2011 6:18

How creative

tatababe | 1

#3434435 - Saturday 15 October 2011 6:18

How creative

tatababe | 1

#3434438 - Saturday 15 October 2011 6:18

How creative

enonymous | 8

#3434464 - Saturday 15 October 2011 6:21

Quintuple Creative

deviable | 9

#3434491 - Saturday 15 October 2011 6:25

I'll give you a creative so you can creative while you creative.

changesinme | 0

#3434530 - Saturday 15 October 2011 6:30

Einstein on scooter

enonymous | 8

#3434561 - Saturday 15 October 2011 6:35

35 it's actually Newton not Einstein.

nalia18 | 8

#3434607 - Saturday 15 October 2011 6:46

Welp there goes your dignity

JenDanielle917 | 13

#3434681 - Saturday 15 October 2011 7:03

42- there is nothing for you to say about dignity, with your picture.

KrazieKleo | 13

#3434727 - Saturday 15 October 2011 7:13

48- you're kidding right? Justine Bitchieber is the hottest girl ever!!

MrPedoBear_fml | 4

#3435158 - Saturday 15 October 2011 10:24

I'll help you up that bumpy hill

shireeniee | 8

#3435458 - Saturday 15 October 2011 13:02

Ahh watch our for pedobear!

RSX92 | 3

#3436795 - Saturday 15 October 2011 19:39

Were u by any chance going to movie rental store

Anubyte | 0

#3436797 - Saturday 15 October 2011 19:39

Well there goes your autocorrect

nalia18 | 8

#3437443 - Sunday 16 October 2011 1:02

Well i know i have no dignity for looking like justin bieber but it seems every time i visit canada i get arrested for pedophile charges.

luis_r96 | 4

#3438431 - Sunday 16 October 2011 5:26

No different guy lol

doctorwhogirl | 0

#3438436 - Sunday 16 October 2011 5:27

Reading this fml whilst on the toilet,

idontcare8l | 3

#3439013 - Sunday 16 October 2011 9:16

48 - so did the cat sleep tonight? Haha , i like your picture though on a serious note

By nolaneldridge | 1

#3434270 - Saturday 15 October 2011 6:04

what a dick...

vsat207 | 0

#3434358 - Saturday 15 October 2011 6:12

Op could've said that scooters are like fat girlfriends, fun to ride but not something to show around.

ckr911 | 5

#3434397 - Saturday 15 October 2011 6:15

You must have been waiting FOREVER to share that joke.

vsat207 | 0

#3434733 - Saturday 15 October 2011 7:15

Actually unlike you I have better things to do but wait to tell jokes and post 15 comments per fml.

dumboears | 8

#3434789 - Saturday 15 October 2011 7:32

I wouldn't care if it was a dick move, I'd still laugh at it like I am now.

bevsta | 7

#3434793 - Saturday 15 October 2011 7:35

You look fun

CRiiSPY_fml | 0

#3435475 - Saturday 15 October 2011 13:10

Op should have said something about scooter belonging in the closet along with their sexuality...

thisisafunnyname | 12

#3435674 - Saturday 15 October 2011 14:26

That, my friends, is why you don't go any where without your glock.

alsnyder12 | 0

#3469100 - Saturday 22 October 2011 3:23

Lmao, fucking... Great

By Gymnast317 | 4

#3434273 - Saturday 15 October 2011 6:05

He's an asshole!

BellaBelle_fml | 23

#3434415 - Saturday 15 October 2011 6:16

He's an evil genius!

MarioDragon | 14

#3434525 - Saturday 15 October 2011 6:30

That'd make my morning bike ride all the better

dumboears | 8

#3434802 - Saturday 15 October 2011 7:36

He's hilarious.

kirsty1551 | 3

#3434898 - Saturday 15 October 2011 8:09

what does momentum mean? c:

BellaBelle_fml | 23

#3434946 - Saturday 15 October 2011 8:33

kirsty1551- Stay in school...forever.

phoenixslayer69 | 4

#3434949 - Saturday 15 October 2011 8:34

If you need to ask this question, you should first ask your parents for permission to go on FML

starwind3438 | 9

#3435389 - Saturday 15 October 2011 12:33

It's ok 70. You're blond.

starwind3438 | 9

#3435522 - Saturday 15 October 2011 13:31

94,it can be spelled either way idiot.

Adman567 | 9

#3435800 - Saturday 15 October 2011 15:00

How bout u all leave kirsty the fuck alone. Who cares if she doesnt know wat momentum means and wtf is with the blonde jokes, shes probably good at other things so calm

vergaso | 0

#3436063 - Saturday 15 October 2011 16:34

Stop sucking kursty's dick...
She is obviously retarded or a bad bad bad obvious troll...
If not she's a child.... And we don't need more retarded child wannabe trolls here....
That is all

vergaso | 0

#3436082 - Saturday 15 October 2011 16:37

Stop sucking kursty's dick...
She is obviously retarded or a bad bad bad obvious troll...
If not she's a child.... And we don't need more retarded child wannabe trolls here....
That is all

dumboears | 8

#3436618 - Saturday 15 October 2011 18:32

Kirsty, lemme introduce you to my friend google

By FMLandurstoo | 9

#3434276 - Saturday 15 October 2011 6:05

You did drop something. Your virginity. I'll pick it up for you though. Mmmmmmhmmmmm

instnt1nfction | 17

#3434364 - Saturday 15 October 2011 6:12

Are you a pedophile?

FMLandurstoo | 9

#3434403 - Saturday 15 October 2011 6:15

Duh.

XKXKKXK | 10

#3434424 - Saturday 15 October 2011 6:17

Giggity giggity goo!

sleepydeath | 4

#3434711 - Saturday 15 October 2011 7:11

That new paper boy gone and broke my sternum

stevenJB | 25

#3434750 - Saturday 15 October 2011 7:18

Haha oh Herbert..... Plz don't touch me

EvilPotato | 14

#3435385 - Saturday 15 October 2011 12:30

4 mommy, I'm scared.

FMLandurstoo | 9

#3437267 - Saturday 15 October 2011 22:09

I'll touch you a lot

saga_darlin | 0

#3437436 - Sunday 16 October 2011 0:57

herbert the pervert

angrymexican | 8

#3454398 - Wednesday 19 October 2011 4:12

I miss those family guy character conversations on fml

By UrNuckinFuts | 0

#3434284 - Saturday 15 October 2011 6:06

Now kids, that's an asshole! :( sorry op!!

wakadalhadaf | 4

#3434558 - Saturday 15 October 2011 6:34

Smartest guy in the world!!!

By Bajee | 10

#3434292 - Saturday 15 October 2011 6:07

What a douche!!!

rkmepm | 16

#3435721 - Saturday 15 October 2011 14:37

What a showerhead? :S

By nate_msm | 0

#3434308 - Saturday 15 October 2011 6:08

He had a point tho but still FYL

By illmatic2 | 16

#3434325 - Saturday 15 October 2011 6:09

You got trolled IRL.

ricinator | 11

#3434684 - Saturday 15 October 2011 7:03

he did get trolled, but if I were him, I would've just laughed it off in my own embarrassment at how much of a genius that guy was :P

rkmepm | 16

#3435754 - Saturday 15 October 2011 14:44

Trolololololol ^^ but in all seriousness I would be pretty angry at the scooter boy

By The_Instigator | 11

#3434329 - Saturday 15 October 2011 6:09

You have to admit, that is pretty funny.

By atlanta_lex | 0

#3434343 - Saturday 15 October 2011 6:11

That sucks...what a douche.

Since you were already stopped, you should've picked up a stick and thrown it at his wheel so it would get caught in the spokes and he would fall.

atlanta_lex | 0

#3434494 - Saturday 15 October 2011 6:25

Fuck I just re-read where it says the other dude was on a scooter........so never mind

ricinator | 11

#3434746 - Saturday 15 October 2011 7:17

it might have been a motorized scooter... not the push ones, cause it says the guy headed past him. A push scooter can't really be much faster than a bike

thepatty8474 | 10

#3436761 - Saturday 15 October 2011 19:19

Scooters still have wheels and spokes... Some do...