Love: Today, I was startled awake at 4am by a loud and awful sound....

By Anonymous - 01/02/2011 13:43 - United States

Today, I was startled awake at 4am by a loud and awful sound. Completely serious, I asked my fiancé if he had just shit his pants. His response: giggles followed by a softly whispered "maybe". FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 057

You deserved it 5 313

Love

Sorry…

Late term

Not a great start

By hipthrustdude - 18/05/2009 12:04 - Malaysia

Today, I got really excited at work over a deal I was about to close. I got up and started performing a rather obscene hip thrust only to notice a client sitting in the glass meeting room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 404

You deserved it 54 301

By anonymouse - 09/03/2011 19:37 - Reserved

Today, I was getting dirty looks on the train whilst air strumming the guitar to a song on my iPod, after glancing at the reflection in the window I realized it looked like I was masturbating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 874

You deserved it 42 492

By hs - 30/05/2011 01:59 - United States

Today, my fiancé and I had a fight because he wouldn't let me get what I wanted to eat, even though it was my money. He said, "It's way too many calories. I'm supposed to help you lose weight." When I pointed out that I had given up a month ago, he looked at me and said, "Yeah, I can tell." FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 766

You deserved it 49 538

Deadly cocktail

By blame the maid - 13/09/2020 17:02 - United States

Today, my very sheltered girlfriend decided to surprise me by cleaning our apartment. Although she grew up with housekeepers and maids, I thought it was common knowledge that you don’t try cleaning the bathroom with both bleach and ammonia. We still can’t go back inside our place. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 407

You deserved it 126

By LockandKey - 24/02/2009 23:28 - United States

Today, everyone at school was talking about some guy that did another girl while he was going out with someone. I started to spread the rumor myself, until someone told me that that guy was my boyfriend. The other girl was my best friend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 246

You deserved it 28 176

By FauteuilEver Alone - 05/07/2012 08:11 - France

Today, my wife, who is four months pregnant, burst into tears while thinking about the armchair in our living room that we never use. According to her, we're stopping it from living out its destiny as an armchair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 114

You deserved it 3 779

By Steve - 16/12/2012 06:25 - United States - Oshkosh

Today, my girlfriend and I were in the mood for something different. So we decided to have sex in the shower. When we were finished I heard a voice outside the door asking if we needed a towel. It was my mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 667

You deserved it 18 275

By Anonymous - 01/03/2009 20:02 - United States

Today, I got a phone call from my mother asking me if I was okay. Confused, I asked her what she meant. She then told me that my boyfriend had broken up with me, and she just wanted to make sure I was handling it alright. I had to find out my relationship was over from my mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 76 837

You deserved it 3 687

By booooo - 07/03/2011 21:38 - France

Today, I withdrew €40 at the ATM to pay for dinner later tonight. It wasn't until I went to pay for it that I realized I'd taken the receipt, but left the cash in the ATM. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 370

You deserved it 41 778

By Anonymous - 30/12/2014 09:57 - United Kingdom - Oxford

Today, I got a call from my roommate's mother, asking me to hide her flip flops so she couldn't wear them out in sub-zero temperatures. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 082

You deserved it 2 964

By scot - 02/09/2012 15:38 - United States - Granby

Today, while having sex with my girlfriend in the bathroom, we heard a knock at the door, then her father's voice. I had to fake constipation noises until he left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 170

You deserved it 13 912

By Anonymous - 04/04/2014 17:26 - Dominican Republic - Santo Domingo

Today, I was feeling adventurous and decided to freeball it to school. As I went to sit down during first class, I managed to sit on my own balls, scream, then collapse on the floor gasping. My teacher thought I was screwing around and gave me detention. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 049

You deserved it 20 287

By SoupCanoe - 29/08/2011 08:33 - United Kingdom

Today, my mum gave me half-raw chicken for dinner. After she refused to cook it again, I threw it away saying that I didn't want to get salmonella. She told to be more grateful, and that I was an idiot for trying to use salmonella as an excuse because 'it's chicken, not salmon'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 045

You deserved it 3 843

By sad-boing - 02/10/2015 21:01 - United Kingdom - Dartford

Today, my hormones are so screwed, I popped a boner at the sight of two grasshoppers mating and had to retire to my room for a wank. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 840

You deserved it 6 848

By JZ - 30/10/2009 13:34 - New Zealand

Today, I submitted my 5000 word assignment. When I got home, my mother asked if I'd checked it through one more time like she always warned me to do. I hadn't. And I therefore hadn't noticed the paragraph on p11 that she'd written, telling me to pay attention to the small details. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 856

You deserved it 13 141

By TheMysteriousTsundere - 03/11/2018 15:30

Today, my dad threw out all my food because a fly landed on a loaf of bread still in its package. He claims the bread and everything else that touched it is "contaminated". That was all the food I had for the rest of the month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 807

You deserved it 145

By shots shots shots - 12/02/2013 07:41 - United States - Redlands

Today, my needle-phobic mother took me to get a shot. She fainted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 340

You deserved it 2 969

By UnluckyGroom - 09/06/2012 23:04 - United States - East Wenatchee

Today, after a long night of partying, I fell asleep, while my bride was delivering her vows. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 120

You deserved it 59 514

By McFizzy321 - 13/12/2012 03:43 - United States - Merritt Island

Today, I went on a cruise. I gave my bags to a porter, and tipped him $5. Later that night, my bags still hadn't arrived at my room, and that's when I realized that I'd paid a fake porter to steal my bags. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 819

You deserved it 5 501

Exes from hell

By what the actual fuck?! - 02/08/2021 07:01 - United States

Today, my psychotic ex-boyfriend hit a brand new low. I was served court papers, saying that he’s suing me by demanding I give him a paternity test for my daughter. He’s also telling everyone he’s her real father. He and I were broken up for more than a year before I even got pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 096

You deserved it 72

By athlete47 - 03/08/2019 14:00

Today, my girlfriend dumped me because I was "changing too much." My big change was a haircut. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 591

You deserved it 125

By no more mr nice guy - 27/12/2016 07:32

Today, my friend invited me, his girlfriend, and the girl I like over to his house to hang out. We hoped it would get me closer to my crush. The day ended with them having a threesome and me locked out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 881

You deserved it 930

By gmd05 - 31/07/2012 14:28 - United States

Today, I met my boyfriend's grandma for the first time. Trying to make a good impression, I offered to wash the dishes. I accidentally broke the faucet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 726

You deserved it 3 695

By Chelsea - 18/05/2013 08:57 - Australia - Perth

Today, my bag got stolen with all of my belongings at the beach. After being forced to ask strangers for money, I then travelled home on the train for an hour, wearing only a bikini. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 555

You deserved it 5 448

By blueballs - 14/09/2012 00:06 - United States - Santa Clarita

Today, in the middle of what had to be the most amazing blowjob I've ever had in my life, my girlfriend had a mental breakdown and began weeping on top of my cock. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 023

You deserved it 8 192

By WhoaThere - 18/12/2009 05:23 - United States

Today, a cute guy asked for my phone number and I gladly gave it to him. I was feeling really good about myself for getting hit on by the star football player. That was until he called 8 times and left 5 messages. In 2 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 394

You deserved it 9 616

Compromises

By DepressionBetty - 11/10/2021 08:00

Today, I realized I agreed to go to the gym with my fiancé after being on my feet at work all day because he wants to get fit, but he will not help me remodel the house I’m working on so we can have a bigger place to live, because he doesn’t feel like it. I don’t want or need to go to the gym. FML

I agree, your life sucks 810

You deserved it 212

By Anonymous - 09/09/2013 23:58 - United States - Elmhurst

Today, I went to a suicide prevention walk with a girl I like. Before the walk, we bought balloons to set free when they called the names of the deceased. To buy a balloon, you had to write a name on a sheet. Apparently, you weren't supposed to write your own. They called my name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 353

You deserved it 13 777

By Username - 21/04/2011 13:55

Today, I asked my boyfriend if he was growing a mustache, as he had whiskers. He looked at me and said "No, but apparently you are." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 441

You deserved it 10 157

By LtlCheeseburger - 31/05/2012 18:15 - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, I was shopping, and tried on a skirt that was a size smaller than usual, thinking that I would fit in. Not only did it not fit, neither I nor the sales assistant could get it off me, because the zip got stuck. She had to cut me out of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 460

You deserved it 29 320

Honey…

By greenintheface - 30/04/2011 06:27 - United States

Today, I had a horrible stomach flu and was well into my second hour of dry heaving when I heard my husband knock on the bathroom door. I was touched that he was worried about me, until I heard, "Honey, what did you make for dinner?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 619

You deserved it 4 078

By Anonymous - 24/07/2015 02:13 - United States - San Francisco

Today, over the course of three hours, I was burned by our toaster oven, hit in the head by a fridge door, hit my toes on a chair, clipped my hip on a table edge, and had both the washer and dryer lids slam on the same hand. I'm not sure what hurts more, my body or the shame. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 194

You deserved it 4 294

By Anonymous - 29/05/2015 14:23 - United States - Bradenton

Today, my father told me that my mental health issues, which have been confirmed by multiple doctors and tests, are all caused by the fact that I'm slightly overweight and don't exercise a lot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 367

You deserved it 4 758

By Anonymous - 21/11/2013 22:30 - United States - Auburn

Today, my neighbor finally password-protected his wifi. Right in the middle of my timed, online exam. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 996

You deserved it 95 525

By buses suck - 15/11/2015 06:06 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I regret asking my neighbor to turn down his music last night. When I left for work, I found his car parked so close to mine that I couldn't squeeze between them. His wife's was parked the same way on the other side. They wouldn't answer their door and I ended up being late to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 364

You deserved it 2 219

By Anonymous - 17/08/2010 07:10 - United States

Today, I was on my third date with this really cute girl. After a very romantic evening, I decided to go for the first kiss, but because of my nervous reflex in which I get bloody noses, I ended up bleeding all over her face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 536

You deserved it 4 880

By wat_dafuq_bro - 06/05/2013 06:06

Today, I ran into my ex-girlfriend. Being the mature one, I went up to her and said, "Hey, how's it going?" She maced me and kept walking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 393

You deserved it 11 316

By tsu3 - 16/11/2009 15:14 - Germany

Today, after spending about 5 years to go back to school, get my life together and get a real job, I now make about $100 less a month. I used to work as a dishwasher. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 330

You deserved it 2 958

By jrocks - 19/05/2009 17:06 - United States

Today, as I was watching a DVD, I noticed a spider crawling on my crotch area. So, I panicked and smashed the spider, smashing my nuts in the process. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 857

You deserved it 70 539

By Anonymous - 26/10/2011 14:14 - United States

Today, for my birthday, instead of a cake, my friends surprised me with a castle mainly made out of bacon. I don't want to seem ungrateful, but I fucking hate bacon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 750

You deserved it 50 191

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Top comments

Frickmetinajenks 0

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Tuesday 1 February 2011 19:03

Lol, get used to it. It won't be as funny a couple years into marriage.

TheB0a 5

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Tuesday 1 February 2011 19:22

The giggles is what makes this funny. Who giggles after supposedly shitting their pants, lolZ.

Frickmetinajenks 0

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Tuesday 1 February 2011 19:03

Lol, get used to it. It won't be as funny a couple years into marriage.

urdirtyolduncle 15

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Tuesday 1 February 2011 21:03

I know, right! They aren't even married yet and already he's putting them in "shitty" situations.

ibitehard 9

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Tuesday 1 February 2011 22:04

So your fiancé is five???

Aerious 0

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Wednesday 2 February 2011 5:42

50, it could've been a joke.

tararenee93 3

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Tuesday 1 February 2011 19:06

bahaha

Frickmetinajenks 0

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Tuesday 1 February 2011 19:08

I had to refrain from screaming first. I really enjoy those long messages Sirin posts.

youfailed18 0

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Tuesday 1 February 2011 19:09

Wow....

rockzr15 5

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Tuesday 1 February 2011 19:11

time to change the sheets...

frank_b102 9

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Friday 11 April 2014 19:06

I think you meant change the shits number 6

moat 0

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Tuesday 1 February 2011 19:12

I'm about to eat breakfast.

Doortje 29

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Tuesday 1 February 2011 19:14

Fiancé hm? That means you still have the opportunity to break things off!

Jupsi_fml 12

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Tuesday 1 February 2011 19:21

It's an accident, I assume that he doesn't do that twice a week... would you really break off your engagement for such a thing ?

Acousticpixie14 6

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Tuesday 1 February 2011 19:35

But he giggled about it...that's where this is wrong on so many levels. If he had the runs, okay then, but crapping in bed? Ugh! I'm sorry you're engaged to that, OP, get out while you can!

MrBond007_fml 6

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Wednesday 2 February 2011 0:53

what was he supposed to do cry, cuz I did that once when I was 4 I crapped my pants and cried, but if I ever shit my pants again I'm just going to laugh it off

Acousticpixie14 6

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Wednesday 2 February 2011 1:37

Okay, I could understand trying to "laugh it off" and maybe force out a chuckle as you are getting a fresh pair of underwear/pants after an initial "Goddammit" But seriously, a giggle and a "maybe" along with OP not saying anything about him making an attempt to change his soiled clothes, that is just disgusting and immature.

Gstone 4

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Wednesday 2 February 2011 1:43

62 wht you didnt think bout is that OPs fiance farted extremely loud, and sometimes when a guy farts that loud you say i think i shit my pants when its not true, its just a way of saying; i do it from time to time when im in my room and my mom asks wtf happened, i answer either i think i shit myself or i think i ripped my pants. its just to make it funny. so OP dont break off the engagement cuz of something like tht.

FarSide 22

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Wednesday 2 February 2011 4:09

Come on guys! Be honest... what's a little shit between lovers?

ItsFunnyNow 0

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Wednesday 2 February 2011 4:11

Oh no you didn't.

Acousticpixie14 6

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Wednesday 2 February 2011 4:48

63... If he didn't actually crap his pants, that's a completely different story, I agree. I am speaking in terms of if he did actually crap his pants and that was how he reacted to it, she needs to get out of that. Duh.

bls5301 2

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Wednesday 2 February 2011 12:45

When someone has a crazy awesome fart it is commonly referred to as shitting yourself even though you dont actually defecate feces into your britches. He obviously was just proud of his fart. I would be to.

Acousticpixie14 6

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Thursday 3 February 2011 0:32

too*

mandy307 0

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Thursday 17 March 2011 22:31

That's right it is going to come up some time. Sickness and Health right? And I say forgive him now because when you get pregnant if it doesn't happen in the third trimester or even during birth it will happen while your recovering from it. Besides who is to say the guy is not just F*cking around by giggling. She never said weather he actually did it or not. I personally know men are crude and think these things are funny. ( and don't worry guys I don't mean all of you! just 90%)

RobinGoodfellow 47

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Tuesday 6 January 2015 2:13

a) There's a limit to how much you can type in an FML submission. OP can't, and shouldn't, give every single detail. b) The wording of the submission is often changed when it gets posted. If there are unnecessary details, these are taken out. If there's bad grammar, it's fixed. So maybe he went to change his clothes, maybe he didn't. Either way, #62/15/etc, you're making an awfully big fuss. If she loves him, one time accidentally shitting himself and laughing it off isn't going to call off the relationship. And if you think that's grounds for ending it, then I'm going to assume that you've either never been in a serious relationship or should not be in one.

perdix 29

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Tuesday 1 February 2011 19:17

Maybe "maybe" should be your answer when thinking about going through with the wedding. Do you really want to start using a Diaper Genie way before you have kids?

Lizza330 28

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Tuesday 1 February 2011 20:30

What is a diaper genie?

DocBastard 38

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Tuesday 1 February 2011 20:55

A magical genie that flies through the night sky delivering diapers to both infants and the elderly. Or you could do a 2 second google search. Or I could be less of an asshole and tell you. But...I won't.