Today, I'm so broke after my recent divorce that I stole toilet... - FML

By pray for me - 15/08/2019 04:00

Today, I'm so broke after my recent divorce that I stole toilet paper from my church. I'm the pastor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 881

You deserved it 315

Best teeth in the game

Hiding from the drama

Worst father ever

By Anonymous - 17/01/2014 23:52 - United Kingdom

Today, I overheard my mum tell my sister that she should make me a bridesmaid at her wedding. My sister scoffed, "She looks like Shamu, mum. I can't have THAT in my wedding pics." followed by laughter and my mum saying, "Touché." FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 894

You deserved it 6 756

By KarolBee - 14/05/2009 06:48 - United States

Today, I was spending time with my boyfriend for our one year anniversary. Trying to be romantic, I told him that I loved him and I was so glad I was with him. He responded by giving me a thumbs-up and turning back to the TV. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 656

You deserved it 6 472

By Frozen - 10/03/2014 14:23 - United States

Today, the heater went out at work. I was shivering so hard that someone thought I was having a seizure. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 527

You deserved it 4 058

By Anonymous - 23/05/2014 02:36 - United States - Rockland

Spicy

Today, I accidentally ripped out my boyfriend's insulin pump while trying to give him a lapdance. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 534

You deserved it 17 136

By anun - 14/01/2014 14:06 - Australia

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend asked me, "Is it in yet?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 789

You deserved it 7 010

It's just a prank, bro

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my coworkers glued pairs of different sized googly eyes all over my office equipment, seconds before an important client arrived. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 237

You deserved it 4 198

By guest - 17/09/2015 04:16 - Argentina - Buenos Aires

Today, I got a text from my ex-boyfriend that said, "I love you." Thinking this meant he'd changed his mind about breaking up with me less than 24 hours before, I replied back excitedly. Turns out that was a text sent last weekend that didn't go through until now. What great timing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 821

You deserved it 1 947

By leahneedssleep - 11/07/2011 10:53 - Canada

Today, trying to make a good impression and be helpful, I volunteered to look after my manager's cat while she moves house. The cat hasn't stopped meowing since he got here this evening, it's now 4 am and I have work in the morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 449

You deserved it 6 712

By kiwi2323 - 26/09/2012 01:48 - United States

Spicy

Today, my intoxicated husband asked my very conservative parents how their sex life is now that all the kids are out of the house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 320

You deserved it 3 330

By daydreamer - 29/07/2012 05:12 - United States - Wilton

Today, I began to daydream about going on a diet and losing some weight. As I did so, I unknowingly reached for a giant bag of chips and ate the whole thing. Now, I have stopped daydreaming and am sitting alone and depressed. And I'm all out of chips. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 133

You deserved it 29 203

By waitthatsnotme - 15/08/2009 00:39 - United States

Today, after dating my girlfriend for about a month she decided to change her Facebook status to taken. When I saw the update I immediately clicked "Like." Then I looked up and saw I wasn't the person she had put herself in the relationship with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 173

You deserved it 5 520

By ddll - 05/09/2011 01:27 - Singapore

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend. She responded by sitting on the floor, crying like a baby and screaming "WHY?" at strangers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 231

You deserved it 12 293

Second time

By timon_n_pumbaa - 11/01/2020 09:00 - Japan - Tokyo

Today, I found myself locked in a bathroom for the second time in my life. This time at least I was at home. I live alone. I had to break the window on the shower door and crawl out. Now, I need to crawl in/out to shower, brush my teeth and more. FML

I agree, your life sucks 911

You deserved it 1 183

By Anonymous - 04/12/2018 14:00

Today I was really hitting it off with my blind date and was eager to arrange a second date. I gave him my number and he decided to call my phone so I could save his number. My phone didn’t ring. He got upset because he thought I gave him a fake number and stormed off. The battery was dead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 000

You deserved it 406

By myself - 20/09/2012 07:00 - United States - Seaside

Spicy

Today, my 2-year-old told me he found a new finger puppet. It was a used condom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 395

You deserved it 31 136

By Shoofly - 04/03/2011 22:54 - United States

Today, while at Subway, I looked on as an employee killed a fly with his hands. He then continued working without a second thought. He was making my sandwich. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 868

You deserved it 4 242

By Anonymous - 13/02/2010 07:22 - United States

Today, I switched cell phone carriers and got the plan where you can call or text any five people for free. The employee asked for my five, I could only come up with one, my mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 998

You deserved it 5 057

Rich people problems

By emptypockets - 28/06/2020 17:00

Today, after spending thousands of dollars on remodelling and painting our house, making it exactly how we wanted it, my husband's grandma passed away, leaving us her house. I’m debating on ripping everything out and taking it to the new house my hubby is so eager to move into now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 539

You deserved it 340

By Anonymous - 16/11/2018 05:00

Spicy

Today, I met an old friend, who accidentally revealed he once met my wife in a club. They were both drunk and she let him have anal sex with her for a fiver in a club toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 320

You deserved it 332

By Pseudo - 21/06/2016 05:33 - France - Vitry-le-fran?ois

Today, I asked my little cousin if he had a girlfriend if he had a girlfriend. “Yes,“ he said. “Two, but I’m going to keep the one with the biggest boobs.“ He’s 7. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 256

You deserved it 1 525

Broken

By Anonymous - 25/08/2020 01:02 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, I recently got out of hospital after suffering a bad head injury. My doctor warned me I might have localised skin numbness, and it turns out I do. In my penis. Can’t feel a thing down there. We discovered this in bed, where nothing could get a rise out of me because it was completely dead FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 022

You deserved it 144

By Anonymous - 13/09/2014 14:39 - United States - Cottonwood

Today, I was going for my morning walk, when a guy in a massive truck drove up beside me, with a kid no more than 4 riding shotgun. I lost my faith in humanity when his tiny voice yelled through the window, "Nice ass!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 220

You deserved it 5 061

Out of it

By Anonymous - 29/07/2021 04:01

Today, after my girlfriend had a nightmare this morning, I stayed home because she has really bad anxiety issues. A couple of hours later, she's pissed because I said I would stay up, but I fell asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 822

You deserved it 191

By Anonymous - 04/03/2017 02:00

Today, I found out my boyfriend's parents consider me more of a clingy friend than a girlfriend. We have been together over 5 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 719

You deserved it 613

By adopted apparently - 23/03/2019 12:00

Today, I found out the joke I’ve been telling for 15 years is true. I am adopted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 269

You deserved it 344

By Brummsta - 27/01/2010 07:41 - Australia

Today, I woke up with a cordless drill on my bed. The one I lent my neighbour last week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 898

You deserved it 2 590

By over_due - 21/06/2016 16:12 - United States

Today, I was giving a competitive dramatic speech. I got a little too into it and punched the ground to portray my character's anger. I must be one dedicated thespian because I was angry enough to break my hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 570

You deserved it 3 279

By Anonymous - 13/02/2015 16:36 - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, my "best friend" stole almost $1,000 worth of electronics and video games from my roommates and me, just so he could pawn them off and buy himself a new car stereo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 587

You deserved it 3 214

By Jessica S. - 06/09/2012 11:15 - United States - Louisville

Today, I found out that the mysterious and creepy weirdo guy that continuously sends me messages on Facebook is my manager at my new job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 391

You deserved it 2 009

By ljjprchf - 13/12/2009 01:29 - Australia

Today, I asked my kids how much they loved me. My seven year old responded, 'I'll love you forever mummy.' My sixteen year old responded, 'Can you wind down the window, I just farted.' FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 159

You deserved it 13 770

By Anonymous - 11/12/2009 21:58 - United Kingdom

Today, I was shaving my underarms, when I heard a noise. I quickly turned my head to see what it was and got the razor caught in my hair. I'm now sporting a very attractive bald patch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 796

You deserved it 8 384

By arknvl - 07/03/2013 18:12 - Norway - Trondheim

Today, my boss yelled at me for visiting Facebook on my work computer. He says that since I can't be trusted, I'll be supervised from now on. I was uploading pictures to the company's Facebook page, which I have to do once a week as part of my job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 107

You deserved it 2 684

By alicia75 - 26/03/2014 23:45 - United States - Elkhart

Today, my teacher told us at least 7 different stories about his cat, Jeremy, and how much he eats. And he wonders why we never get anything done in his class. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 029

You deserved it 3 542

By Anonymous - 16/01/2015 16:22 - Australia - Sydney

Today, my dad was fixing my wardrobe and pushed too hard, causing stuff to fall from the top shelves. I saw it happen with my own eyes, but he's dead-set convinced that it was some kind of poltergeist fucking with him, and now he doesn't want me to go in my room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 973

You deserved it 2 339

By DBZ - 20/02/2012 15:53 - United States

Today, I couldn’t have a conversation with my fiancé unless it was about Dragon Ball Z. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 632

You deserved it 7 511

By agh marriage - 11/10/2012 05:56 - Australia - Albany Creek

Today, I was placed firmly in the friend-zone. By my wife. We've been married 10 years. She doesn't want a divorce, she says it'd be too "time-consuming." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 597

You deserved it 2 491

By Anonymous - 24/02/2013 13:56 - Canada - Thunder Bay

Today, while at work, my ex-boyfriend came in. I pretended not to see him, hoping he would just pass on by. No such luck. He stopped to tell me that he was there for orientation. My company hired him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 978

You deserved it 3 221

By anonymous - 29/03/2012 15:42 - United States - Houston

Today, my boss pulled me aside to chastise me for being "off task" because I was chatting with a co-worker while working on a project. She then spent a half hour chatting with the same person about what daycare she should go to for her new baby. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 798

You deserved it 2 219

Stumped

By uneek14 - 23/06/2009 14:19 - Canada

Today, while reading some chemistry notes, I came across the term "solid water". Completely stumped, I asked myself, "What the hell is solid water?" Then I heard my little cousin say, "Ice." I'm a 4th year science major in university. He still checks the closet for monsters. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 766

You deserved it 84 538

Unreasonable

By Anonymous - 20/03/2021 00:01 - Australia

Today, after finishing work and collecting my bag from my locker, I yawned as my manager came to ask me a question. She yelled at me for yawning. She then told others that I have a chronic yawning problem at work and need medical intervention. I can't even yawn once after a long tiring day on my own time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 167

You deserved it 61

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Thursday 15 August 2019 4:09

wow... I have never commented on this app in all the years I've had this app. but I've been through your shoes before. but just wow. itll get better.

Yudith 20

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Thursday 15 August 2019 12:47

When we give to the Church, that does include the maintenance of the pastor's house and the feeding and caring of the pastor himself. You didn't steal anything; this toilet paper was also there for you.

Comments

Send a private message

Thursday 15 August 2019 4:09

wow... I have never commented on this app in all the years I've had this app. but I've been through your shoes before. but just wow. itll get better.

RichardPencil 30

Send a private message

Thursday 15 August 2019 4:30

Well, when you turn the other cheek, you do need to wipe it!

loopylaura88 17

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Thursday 15 August 2019 4:54

can you confess to yourself? how many hail Mary's can you give yourself?

Send a private message

Thursday 15 August 2019 6:38

As the pastor, I hope your wife was the one making the divorce happen... I also hope this is a joke and didn't actually steal from your own church. God's commandments do not change with the times.

Yudith 20

Send a private message

Thursday 15 August 2019 12:47

When we give to the Church, that does include the maintenance of the pastor's house and the feeding and caring of the pastor himself. You didn't steal anything; this toilet paper was also there for you.

ThatOneLonelyAsian 31

Send a private message

Thursday 15 August 2019 13:46

isn't it your church so therefore it's your toilet paper

BurnInDemonFire 32

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Thursday 15 August 2019 15:30

Whoa there! Does "Thou shalt not steal" ring a bell? I suppose it's better to swipe some TP instead of taking the money from the collection plate. Wait! Don't get any ideas! You'll just have to adjust your budget until you're solvent, again.

Send a private message

Thursday 15 August 2019 16:15

Isn't divorce a sin?

Isaac Shields 9

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Thursday 15 August 2019 16:42

is your name pastor chezzarone carter if so then you deserve our 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Send a private message

Thursday 15 August 2019 19:22

Think of it like this: the toilet paper in the church is for everyone to use. How you use it is up to you

Nearly

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6

You deserved it 4

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I was diagnosed with a meat allergy. You can imagine the jokes my boyfriend has been thinking up since we found out I can’t "handle his meat" in my mouth anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 655

You deserved it 87

Today, a guy drove an hour and a half to get to where I live, only to literally last less than 30 seconds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 744

You deserved it 158