Today, I submitted my first app review. It was for Pocket Podiatrist:... - FML

By Tripartita - 25/5/2016 12:07 - United States

Today, I submitted my first app review. It was for Pocket Podiatrist: the DIY Guide to Foot Surgery. 1/5 stars. Would not recommend. FML

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Alexa, play "Hey! Student" by The Fall

Too embarrassed to get them from a store?

Innocent

By anonymous - 24/9/2011 15:22 - United States

Today, I was badly sunburnt even after making it a point to apply a lot of sunscreen. My coworkers thought it amusing to slap me every chance they get. FML

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By fire starter - 16/8/2015 04:10 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I tried to vacuum to surprise my mom with a clean house. The vacuum started shorting out, sparked, and then burst into flames mid living room. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/3/2013 22:37 - United States - Denison

Today, my boyfriend drove me back home. My dad was sitting on the porch in his underwear, with his shotgun in his lap. He stroked the gun, looked my boyfriend dead in the eyes, and slowly shook his head. Now my boyfriend refuses to see me for his own safety. FML

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By nekal - 21/9/2016 16:50 - United States - Nashville

Today, I tried to sneakily leave my boyfriend's house at 3 a.m. without his parents knowing. I had a flat tire. FML

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By freakfreak12345 - 19/7/2011 16:41 - United States

Today, I learned that when you piss on a hornets' nest from a window, the hornets will go after the source of the stream. It can also cause you to fall through your friend's second story window. FML

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By TaffyMichele - 13/9/2012 23:38 - United States - La Verne

Today, my boyfriend told me to text him when I got home to let him know I'd made it home safe. He said if I didn't, he'd assume that aliens had abducted me and that he'd get a new girlfriend. He was completely serious. FML

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By Barking Mad - 4/8/2013 11:21 - Australia - Revesby

Today, I got several noise complaints from various neighbours about my "dog that won't stop barking". I don't own a dog, my neighbour owns the noisy dog. She sent me a complaint as well. FML

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By kaleigh - 31/5/2011 17:01 - United States

Today, as I was walking out of a restaurant with my boyfriend, I saw some guys checking me out. One of them walked up to my boyfriend and said, "Dude, you and your girlfriend have matching moustaches!" FML

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By Anonymous - 27/2/2016 09:12 - United States - San Antonio

Today, I'm neck-deep in debt paying for med school. What's worse, the professors here are so terrible that even the morons on Yahoo Answers are 100 times better at explaining my coursework to me. FML

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By random875 - 7/1/2015 06:03 - United States - Owings Mills

Today, I got stuck in an elevator. I called the fire department and told them where I was. They said they'd be right there and not to panic. It's hour 6. FML

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By Elizabeth Ann - 19/11/2018 12:00

Today, I no longer need an alarm clock. My cat has learned to jump on my boobs at precisely 7:30 every morning. If I don't get up immediately, she just keeps jumping on my boobs. I'm an E cup. FML

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By NotAGoodStart - 7/3/2020 14:00 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Fashion Week

Today, I went on a blind date, meeting up in a park. I got there first and sat down to wait for him. After a while, a guy sat down next to me. I wasn't sure if it was him, so I texted him, asking if he'd arrived. His response was, "I'm already here, sat to the left of the old woman dressed like a gypsy." FML

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By Loser - 8/6/2018 01:30

Today, at school, I offered my friend $5 to climb up a tree and jumped off. I was already having a hard day and just wanted a bit of a laugh. What I didn't expect was to end up in the hospital with a broken arm because my friend jumped on me. FML

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By monkeycannon7 - 24/4/2012 16:36 - United States - Woodbridge

Today, I learned the hard way not to take off your shirt with a toothpick in your mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/8/2010 09:15 - United States

Today, my new girlfriend, with whom I have not had sex, showed me her collection of sex toys. She picked up one approximately the size of my forearm and said "This one is my favorite" now I'm scared for her to see me naked. FML

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By tammy - 15/8/2010 17:24 - France

Today, a wasp stung my nipple. Twice. The swelling makes it look like I'm growing a third breast. FML

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By dac5 - 12/4/2020 05:00

Lowered expectations

Today, I was told that couldn’t become assistant manager of my job anymore. I already told my family I was going to be one, and they'd all said how proud of me they were. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/2/2016 05:16 - United States - Davis

Today, I realized that I will be leaving for the US Marine Corps in June, and the presidential election is in November. I could potentially be serving with Trump as my Commander-in-Chief. FML

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By "Kilamo" - 25/1/2020 14:00 - United States

Best words

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years got down on one knee and asked those words all girls love to hear "would you do me the honor of performing fellatio on me"? with a Lifesavers gummy ring. FML

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By ouch - 5/10/2015 19:20 - United States - Stockton

Today, I cracked my tooth. I was so tired I put my pretzel stick in my tea and took a bite out of my spoon. FML

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By babymine - 9/3/2012 04:45 - United States

Today, I was boarding a plane and a woman's bag started to fall. In the spur of the moment I thrust my arm up to catch it. I didn't catch the bag, but I did catch her boob. I had to sit next to her for the rest of the flight. FML

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By twofade - 24/10/2018 23:00 - United States

Today, after a year and a half of growing out my hair, I decided to get it trimmed at a Superclips. I walked in with a full head of hair and I left bald. At least it was free. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/12/2016 12:06

Today, my sister, who has "borrowed" almost nine hundred dollars from me over the last few months, told me I was pathetic for not having my driver's license yet and that I "wasn't normal". I was saving that money for my driving lessons. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/4/2013 06:33 - United States

Today, I smoked weed with friends. Stoned, I put on my sister's high heels instead of my Vans and I walked to 7-11. FML

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By LeChameauTrisomique - 14/3/2014 04:33 - France - Saint-germain-de-la-grange

Today, in the middle of a Spanish oral exam, I start to panic. My teacher suggests I say whatever pops into my head. I blurt out, "Heeey Macarena!" FML

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By nikkrissa_04 - 7/8/2009 11:17 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were messing around in his car. I then decided I was going to give him a blowjob for the first time. As I was going down, he grabbed my chin and said "Don't do that, your mouth isn't clean enough." FML

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By sickday - 2/12/2018 17:30

Today, I took my first holiday from work in over 6 months as it was my birthday. Today was also the day I woke up and vomited violently for 10 straight hours as a result of food poisoning. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/3/2015 20:52 - United States - Carlsbad

Today, after telling my audience of preschoolers and parents that I'd been performing magic since I was a kid in 1995, a 4-year-old got more laughter and applause than I did in my entire act by gasping, "1995? You should be dead by now!" FML

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By Anonymous - 23/3/2017 22:00

Today, my parents met my boyfriend for the first time. They spent the entire meal trying to convince him to dump me, all while I was sitting right next to him. FML

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By thedd - 18/8/2009 04:44 - United States

Today, it was my 21st birthday. All my friends showed up at my house already drunk, so I had to be the designated driver. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/4/2011 09:20 - Ireland

Today, I organised a romantic day trip for me and my boyfriend to some tropical gardens. I packed lunch and paid for the tickets. He decided to bring a friend, who doesn't speak English. The only thing that he said that I understood was that "Your girlfriend eats a lot." FML

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By Ihatecleaning - 14/1/2017 12:00

Today, I found out from the doctor that I have a concussion. Was it from a wicked sports injury? No, my idiot brother decided to judo kick the door open while I was on the floor vacuuming the front carpet. FML

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By Wellokthen - 17/2/2017 22:00 - United States

So Sensual...

Today, things began to get hot and heavy between my boyfriend and I. Suddenly, in a deep, sexy voice, he whispered "God help me for what I'm about to do." Thinking it was just an odd manner of dirty talk, I mumbled about liking it. He then farted very loudly. FML

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By Atropos - 1/6/2019 00:00

Today, I went to the campus health office because I had some VERY strong pains in my side. I thought my appendix was about to burst. I asked the receptionist for a doctor, but she said they were all out of the office until later, and kindly offered to make me an appointment for mid June. FML

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By fish killer - 25/3/2011 21:52 - United States

Today, my sister presented me with an "official pet killer" award after yet another goldfish under my care died of unknown causes. FML

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By KiwiMaid - 3/6/2016 10:31 - New Zealand - Wellington

Today, I got excited because my husband will be away for 5 days, which means I'll be able to deep clean the house. FML

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By chelserusera - 14/5/2009 01:45 - United States

Today, my 3-year-old said, "Mommy, I can share my teddy grahams with you." I said, "Thanks, honey, you're so sweet." And I ate a few. When I popped the last one in my mouth, I said, "Oh no, all gone!" She said, "That's okay, I have more." Then pulled the next handful out of her underwear. FML

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By qhu - 23/10/2010 02:15 - United States

Today, I was disciplining one of my students for behavior, and he started to roll his eyes every time I was trying to teach the lesson. So I threatened to write him up. After looking closely at the student, I realized he has a lazy roaming eye. FML

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By jll14 - 31/3/2013 22:27 - Malaysia - Kota Kinabalu

Today, my mom has forbidden me from drinking skim milk, because my sister is upset that I'm skinnier than her. The same sister who refuses to drink any other milk than 2% chocolate. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/5/2009 12:37 - Canada

Today, my cat was in the bathroom with me because he loves toilets. Everyone was sleeping so I went pee but didnt flush. My cat jumped onto the seat and fell in. I had to lift him out and then wash him. He hates water though, so I was scratched by my cat who was dripping with my own pee. FML

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Top comments

By Tripartita | 44

#6614563 - Wednesday 25 May 2016 17:00

Oh, what a fantastic photo FML! This caption was clearly conceived of by a genius who demands the highest accolades for their comic ingenuity!

By SeveralLake | 18

#6614480 - Wednesday 25 May 2016 14:41

Why the fuck

COMMENTS

By SeveralLake | 18

#6614480 - Wednesday 25 May 2016 14:41

Why the fuck

By jakewill7 | 7

#6614482 - Wednesday 25 May 2016 14:46

You might want to go to the doctor next time

By AustinDenton | 22

#6614485 - Wednesday 25 May 2016 14:53

That app just sounds like a bad idea

By Shadow9876 | 19

#6614532 - Wednesday 25 May 2016 16:25

I thought FML's had to be true.

By CamBen42 | 29

#6614546 - Wednesday 25 May 2016 16:36

I remember upvoting that comment, so glad it won. Congrats tripartita!

By Tripartita | 44

#6614563 - Wednesday 25 May 2016 17:00

Oh, what a fantastic photo FML! This caption was clearly conceived of by a genius who demands the highest accolades for their comic ingenuity!

Reply

stangbang92 | 17

#6614772 - Wednesday 25 May 2016 21:25

I sense sarcasm.

Reply

james_logan | 19

#6614791 - Wednesday 25 May 2016 21:53

#9, he captioned the photo

Reply

Zanquis | 22

#6615240 - Thursday 26 May 2016 11:36

I would recommend the: "Humor for Dummy's" App. It might safe us some pain.

If that fails I have some other app to try until we hit the 5 star ratings.

By MikaykayUnicorn | 36

#6614616 - Wednesday 25 May 2016 17:56

Tripartita always comes up with the funniest things. I aspire to be that hilarious.

By DarkPrinceT | 3

#6614801 - Wednesday 25 May 2016 22:02

I'll admit, this one was pretty good. But still give us a dislike button like you have on all of the other FML's.

By rutuu92 | 14

#6615114 - Thursday 26 May 2016 6:59

tbh I've been disappointed with these. Can you at least change the "well spotted" to "your life sucks", because the whole well spotted thing is really killing the vibe. IMHO that change alone will make it better.

By rutuu92 | 14

#6615116 - Thursday 26 May 2016 7:01

Oh, and like the other guy said, a dislike button would be useful for constructive criticism.