Health: Today, I was out shopping. It was fine until my dental crossbow... - FML

By rockyrocket - 26/04/2011 19:19 - Canada

Today, I was out shopping. It was fine until my dental crossbow broke as I was laughing. The springs locked, and I couldn't close my mouth. The orthodontist couldn't see me for two hours, leaving me to walk around town with my mouth hanging open like a psychopath. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 532

You deserved it 3 697

rockyrocket tells us more.

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 23:56

hey guys, I didn't have room to write this in my post, but I was visiting another town 60 minutes away from mine, so I couldn't just go home and wait, and the office was closed that day so I couldn't wait there bebcause no one would be there until the orthodontist arrived. So I was pretty much out of luck :p

Leave us alone

Hiding from the drama

Cut her off

By You Wish - 07/03/2009 07:35 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was sitting on my 70 year old grandmothers bed with my older brother. I decided to snoop through the cabinet at the back of her bed, and I pulled out what I naively thought was a strange looking flashlight. When I twisted the bottom of it to see what would happen it started vibrating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 492

You deserved it 71 463

Hangry

By Broke as hell - 07/04/2020 23:00

Today, after being robbed last week, I had no money to go to the store for food. Instead, my dinner consisted of two Tums chewables in tropical fruit flavors. After not eating all day, I thought they actually tasted pretty good. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 945

You deserved it 138

Carry that weight

By Anonymous - 09/11/2021 18:00 - Australia - Moorebank

Today, I was getting up from sitting on the floor. I lent on the coffee table to help support my weight and heard a pop. I'd bruised the tendons in my wrist and now have to wear a wrist guard for 6 weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 712

You deserved it 126

Gift of the gab

By Nicole - 13/12/2014 15:20 - United States

Spicy

Today, I finally told my boyfriend that he's not very good at dirty talk. He does it every time we have sex and it always turns me off. He started crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 196

You deserved it 7 233

History

By catfish - 23/02/2009 22:11 - United States

Today, after class I was chatting with my teacher, a really cool and stylish old black guy. I tell him he reminds me of one of those soul dudes from those '70s movies, right down to the pimp-walk. He tells me he walks that way because he was beaten for drinking out of the wrong fountain as a kid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 314

You deserved it 52 061

By YoushouldsaythattoHER - 12/09/2018 22:00

Today, a guy was telling me how his girlfriend considers me a "perfect beauty". Not getting such compliments every day, I felt extremely flattered... Until he started to explain in great detail why he couldn't disagree with her more. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 760

You deserved it 171

By ouagadougou - 24/02/2009 11:02 - United States

Today, I rolled over a curb and bent one of the signs that read "Please Park Here After Your Road Test," at the DMV, because my foot slipped off the brake just before I put the car in park, which would've ended my Test. The first words out of the examiner's mouth were, "Well you would've passed." FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 050

You deserved it 31 735

By karmafails - 01/05/2012 16:17 - United Kingdom - Addlestone

Today, I was at the supermarket when I saw an elderly lady slip on a wet patch of floor. I ran over to help, and I almost fell too before steadying myself. Then some pimply cockmunch of a teen decided to kick my legs out from under me and walk away while laughing his balls off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 197

You deserved it 2 348

Ghost Shoes

By Fuckedupmom - 23/08/2018 13:00

Today, my 3-year-old daughter has been crying non-stop for an hour because she wants to take off her black shoes. She's not wearing any. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 723

You deserved it 206

By really - 26/03/2017 00:00

Today, a customer left their shopping cart behind their car and backed into it. She then came inside and threatened to sue me personally for not sending someone to collect it from where she left it. After 5 minutes of her yelling, I finally got a word in edgeways: I don't work there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 189

You deserved it 341

By Anonymous - 23/08/2016 12:40 - United States - Youngsville

Today, after two weeks of intense detective work, I found out my wife isn't cheating on me after all. She really has just been going out and playing table tennis with her friend like she said. Who the hell even plays table tennis? FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 454

You deserved it 24 870

By pupitre - 18/10/2011 00:16 - Canada

Today, I was at a Chinese restaurant with my boyfriend and his family. After the meal, we all decided to open our fortune cookies and read them out loud. On mine, it said "You will change your mind many times before settling down." I didn't realize what it meant until after I'd read it to them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 397

You deserved it 4 926

How could you?

By Lolzords - 14/09/2010 10:44 - United Kingdom

Today, I was walking down the stairs holding a glass of water, when I tripped. I don't know what hurts more, that I'm still picking glass out of my hand or that my mum is still ranting about the water I'd spilt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 739

You deserved it 2 732

By preggers - 30/11/2011 14:57 - Canada

Today, my husband asked me if I was really pregnant or if I was just smuggling cheeseburgers. I'm now referred to as "the hamburgler." I'm only 5 months pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 485

You deserved it 3 920

By Gribby - 27/06/2013 23:56 - United States - Branson

Today, I was accused of shooting drugs at work. I was only feeding a baby bird that was tucked into my arm using a medicine syringe. I've been smuggling it to work because it has to eat every 2 hours or it will starve. Now everyone there thinks I'm a hardcore dope fiend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 520

You deserved it 8 756

By anonymous - 20/04/2016 03:09 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, I asked a short girl to prom by making a "You must be this tall to say no" sign. She grabbed a chair, stood on it, and then said no. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 858

You deserved it 30 209

The struggle is real

By WiredUp - 21/08/2020 13:05 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my step-kids proudly announced that their mum lets them drink coffee at her house. They both have ADD and I've been struggling for months to get them to eat right. Hello futility. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 304

You deserved it 156

By Anonymous - 04/11/2014 02:39 - United States - Baraboo

Today, my loving fiancé informed me that my new perfume makes me smell like a urinal cake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 525

You deserved it 5 513

By virgo - 30/01/2010 06:50 - France

Spicy

Today, I had to lie to my therapist about my sex life to make me feel better. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 150

You deserved it 6 474

By DatAss - 15/01/2016 10:56

Today, I was out grocery shopping when some pervert decided to slap my ass as they walked by. As I turned around to confront them, I saw that the culprit was a 7 or 8-year-old boy. I was so shocked, speechless and angry that I couldn't even decide how to handle the situation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 938

You deserved it 2 449

Kids Say the Darndest Things

By Lolabunny - 21/08/2018 04:00 - United States - Anaheim

Today, I went grocery shopping with my 4-year-old after having some major bathroom issues. As I walked over to get bananas, she yelled out in the middle of the produce section, "DO YOU STILL HAVE DIARRHEA MOMMY?!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 754

You deserved it 330

By Anonymous - 27/12/2014 20:53 - United States - Tucson

Today, I got into a fight with my sister. Later on she brought me a bowl of tortilla chips, which I thought was her way of apologizing. I found out too late that she'd licked the flavoring off them and it was really her way of saying "Fuck you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 055

You deserved it 4 829

By person - 26/12/2010 17:59 - Jordan

Today, I was applying some Icy Hot to my sore thighs, when I accidentally got a little on my dime sacks. For the next hour, it felt like someone had lit a match under my plums. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 878

You deserved it 28 278

By Anonymous - 26/08/2009 13:34 - United States

Today, I thought it would have been funny to cut off my friend's rat-tail. He thought it would be funny to put a brick through my windshield. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 661

You deserved it 117 211

Strange dynamic

By Anonymous - 15/11/2021 01:59

Today, my husband has been texting women to see if he can go out on a date with one of them, just because I’ve befriended his friend and apparently, the movie and food I got with the friend was a first date, so now he wants to get even. FML

I agree, your life sucks 626

You deserved it 2 037

Happy Birthday to me

By Zebra - 30/12/2020 22:58

Today, my sister was meant to come over for lunch for my birthday. Turns out, she forgot about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 774

You deserved it 51

By Puppy Loverr - 25/08/2011 07:12 - Australia

Spicy

Today, I was getting a bit intimate with my boyfriend. Just when things were getting interesting, my dog managed to get into my room. He jumped on the bed and my boyfriend spent the next 20 minutes playing with the dog, while I sat next to him, half naked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 333

You deserved it 4 808

Man whore

By Anonymous - 03/12/2021 07:58

Spicy

Today, I found out I’m going to be a father, twice over, with two different women. Sisters, in fact. Only one of those sisters is my wife. Should I flee abroad, or walk calmly towards the firing squad straight away? FML

I agree, your life sucks 135

You deserved it 2 564

By FASHlONABLE - 05/04/2010 07:32 - United States

Spicy

Today, I came back from a week long class trip. My mother took it upon herself to replace my bed sheets and clean my room. Apparently, she found a note under my mattress from my ex-boyfriend. It said "For all you future dudes, Connor was here first!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 105

You deserved it 9 960

By LovelessNewlywed - 14/12/2016 22:41

Today, for the first time since my partner moved in with me, I did one of my favourite things: I bought some nice cheese and a bottle of wine and went on to People of Walmart, just as I do every month or so. He called me a disgusting human being and went for a walk two hours ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 092

You deserved it 2 034

Honest day's work

By Anonymous - 24/02/2021 02:00

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me after finding out that I opened an Onlyfans account. FML

I agree, your life sucks 457

You deserved it 3 842

By dumb - 02/06/2009 15:33 - United States

Today, my new subletter moved in. Within 6 hours one of my cats took a dump on her pants. I freaked out, lit some candles to hide the smell and threw her pants in the washer. When the cycle was done I found her cell phone at the bottom of the washing machine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 924

You deserved it 25 572

Smart

By Anonymous - 16/03/2011 17:20 - United Kingdom

Today, I went on a date, the first one I've been on since my last boyfriend broke up with me 6 months ago. We were at a restaurant, and at the end of meal he insisted on paying the bill. He wanted to leave a 15% tip but couldn't work out in his head how much to leave. The bill was for £100. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 797

You deserved it 14 638

By WolfieJL - 18/05/2014 07:51 - United States

Today, my two year old puked in the backseat of the car. When we stopped to clean her up, she scooped up the vomit by the handful and threw it at my head. I had an almost two hour drive before I could wash the smell off myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 907

You deserved it 5 429

By jailbirdlove - 11/10/2010 01:38 - United States

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend and I were making love. Her phone rang, and she stopped to answer it. It was her ex-boyfriend, calling her from jail. She talked to him for 15 minutes. To top it all off, before she hung up, I heard her tell him she loved him, and couldn't wait for him to get out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 614

You deserved it 4 257

By Anonymous - 24/05/2019 06:14

Today, I worked a long shift at my job while feeling like crap, anticipating getting a promotion. As my boss was leaving work, he informed me that because I also go to college, the promotion was being given to another employee that I trained a month ago. This is the second time this has happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 005

You deserved it 171

By quick blow - 16/05/2012 02:53 - United States

Spicy

Today, I received an email from my girlfriend listing 10 ways to stop premature ejaculation. Subtle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 834

You deserved it 7 311

Stuck on amber

By Anonymous - 01/10/2020 07:58 - United States - Greensburg

Today, my wife and mother of my kids said she doesn't want sex. Or a divorce. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 142

You deserved it 170

By tdtf - 16/03/2016 09:11 - Germany - Neuburg

Today, the company I work for decided to herald the step to becoming fully digital by hanging physical passive-aggressive flyers everywhere, urging everyone to go digital. Might as well have written, "Save the trees" on them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 726

You deserved it 1 487

Dog whisperer

By J……… - 16/10/2020 02:02

Today, my new dog broke out of his new crate, ate my door, pissed on the floor, and trashed my room. I got him to help with my anxiety, but all he does is give me more anxiety. The worst part is that I adopted him as a favor to a friend, because she couldn’t handle him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 689

You deserved it 1 068

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Top comments

HeavyMetalViking 0

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 3:23

Not as badass as my dental catapult.

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 0:08

dental crossbow..?

Comments

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 0:08

dental crossbow..?

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 0:12

Google..?

takeapieandrun 9

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 0:14

A crossbow dentists use to remove teeth. Fairly effective.

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 0:30

im lucky i had braces and rubberbands but spacers expanders, they all suck. good luck, op. i hope you dont have them on long...

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 0:39

this happened to me in middle school. it sucks pretty bad.

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 2:01

dude she has a crossbow in her mouth, how can that suck. is there a button in her mouth you have to press with your toung or something? and if the spring broke then why didn't you get a bolt through the lip?

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 2:29

wrong use of the word psychopath. But I see your point. fyl.

HeavyMetalViking 0

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 3:23

Not as badass as my dental catapult.

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 4:01

52 that made me laugh out loud, epic win

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 4:26

Sounds more suited to GOW

Idonebeenhad 17

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 5:01

OMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOM

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 5:27

60&59, I officially love you both. *presses metaphorical like button*

every1luvsvag 10

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 5:44

Dental crossbow sounds a little more Fable. Or, dare I say it, Duke Nukem?!

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 6:19

Woo! This calls for a mac and cheese party?

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 6:28

definitely, bro. I am down with that, bro.

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 7:48

om nom nom!! XD

bubblesandbeatle 0

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 8:12

Home made or KD?

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 9:23

It'll be the MissBunny Special.

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 9:23

Totally fucking homemade.

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Thursday 28 April 2011 5:58

Yea wht is that

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Friday 29 April 2011 9:27

like

Alysin 14

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Sunday 26 June 2011 21:47

41 I can't tell if your trolling or just stupid

xXCherrryBombXx 6

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Sunday 1 July 2012 22:12

actually I have a crossbow too. it isn't for removing teeth, in this case. mine is to move my jaw forward to eliminate my overbite. sucks op

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Sunday 2 June 2013 22:16

Not at all! I died laughing

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Friday 16 August 2013 21:34

Sorry this to funny now people looking at me funny as I struggle for breath

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Friday 21 March 2014 3:19

That is funnier than the post itself

callofduty4life 0

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 0:09

Oral, anyone?

AvengedSevenfold_fml_fml 12

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 0:21

Your picture makes it funnier XD

MissEmma_fml 22

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 1:32

And the number of comments he's made, 69 :D

WannaBeActor1018 11

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 4:56

open wide ! ;)

randomthingstv 5

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 5:56

nice avenged sevenfold nightmare album cover xD

ChickenInMyKitch 4

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 6:19

HA I was thinking the same thing #2

largefoofighter 0

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 7:41

there's nothing nice about a7x. Bullet all the way baby!!!!

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 0:10

How many flies did you swallow?

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 6:44

Yeah, on the bright side, at least OP doesn't drive a motorcycle.

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 0:10

I wish I was there to see that. Too funny!!!

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Friday 16 August 2013 21:36

LAUGHING SO HARD LMAOO

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 0:11

I bet people looked at you funny. LOL funny mental picture...

MrSassypants 32

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 0:39

Speaking of pictures I wonder if people took pictures of it. That would be funny. Not to OP but to everyone else.

sterlingarcher 1

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 1:31

lol haja 6 I got a mental picture too.. that would be hilarious to see in person

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 3:56

want an illustrates FML

justmyluck1212 0

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 5:34

that's exactly what I'm sayin, it's a hilarious visual

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 6:46

The mental picture I got from this fml was of that omg kitty.

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Thursday 28 April 2011 13:35

lmao. I was thinking the same thing. my boyfriend said I was retarded.

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 0:12

Ouch! I probably would have gone home.

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 0:14

any guy would have loved to have had you in those two hours

Phase 0

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 1:21

FYL if you have to force girls mouths open for oral.

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 3:48

i only need 30 seconds

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 4:48

best thirty seconds of your life?

every1luvsvag 10

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 5:47

She could be my wife.

xXgUeSsWhAtXx 9

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 0:16

lmao i seriously laughed out loud at the mental image this gave me=D haha now my dads looking at me like IM the phychopath =)

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 0:43

*psychopath you're almost as bad as the people who say "physco".

AvengedSevenfold_fml_fml 12

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 2:18

Cause those people are soooo terrible... -_-

magentaballoon15 8

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Sunday 3 July 2011 7:54

physco, like fisco?

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 0:24

They were probably expecting you to yawn or scream.

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 0:26

how many psychopaths walk around with their mouth open?

Karamelo_fml 11

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 0:59

I do that all the time.

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 1:20

None.

mk58 31

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 1:22

Don't tell me you haven't seen any! where have you been, locked up in the bathroom?!

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Wednesday 27 April 2011 12:17

in Canada? 3

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Wednesday 4 May 2011 7:18

most

Nearly

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23

You deserved it 16

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62

You deserved it 17

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend has spent all morning claiming there’s nothing to do when it’s raining outside. Sex is always an option, but he’s missed all my hints, including stripping naked and kissing him, because he thought I was on my way to get a shower instead of trying to fuck him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 322

You deserved it 92

Today, I found out I’m going to be a father, twice over, with two different women. Sisters, in fact. Only one of those sisters is my wife. Should I flee abroad, or walk calmly towards the firing squad straight away? FML

I agree, your life sucks 135

You deserved it 2 564