Today, I was laying in bed facing my dad. In the middle of our...

By madisonnkelly - 6/7/2015 03:18 - United States - Dallas

Today, I was laying in bed facing my dad. In the middle of our conversation, I noticed he became interested in something behind me. I turn around to the sight of my mom lifting up her shirt, flashing her boobs. FML

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Miscellaneous

Assumptions

Rich people problems

Get me away from here, I'm dying

By Anonymous - 2/5/2013 19:59 - Ghana - Accra

Today, I'm on holiday in Ghana. After having worn an anklet I bought here for the past two weeks, I was told that it's used by the local prostitutes to advertise their trade. FML

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By Ooops - 12/9/2019 22:02 - Canada

Baked

Today, I kept smelling the pleasant odor of baking bread while driving around. Tonight, I realized that the smell of yeast was actually coming from a cup of moldy smoothie that got missed and left in a cup holder in the back of my car. FML

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By bob the builder - 8/11/2012 14:36 - United States - Ridgeland

Today, I'm at work on a construction site for a high rise building, on the 12th floor today. I've developed a severe case of the runs, causing me to need to rush to the nearest toilet periodically. Luckily for me it's conveniently located on the ground floor. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/3/2012 10:53 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, a man on the subway serenaded me. That's not the issue. He was cross-eyed, making it hard for me not to laugh in his face. FML

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By OhBoy - 5/8/2013 19:10 - United States - Lake Saint Louis

Today, I realized why my water bill has gone down so much. My 16 year old daughter now only feels it necessary to shower whenever her boyfriend is going to come over. FML

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By fuck the man-dominated construction business - 19/6/2013 16:18 - Finland - Helsinki

Today, I won an argument against a sexist co-worker. When I left later on, I jumped into my car to drive home, but managed to reverse it into a parked excavator. Guess who's going to hear virginal jokes about women drivers from now on. FML

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By fmlsrsly - 25/3/2009 16:43 - United States

Today, I went to the doctor to find out why I've been feeling so sick the past several weeks. Turns out, I'm severely allergic to the cat of my girlfriend of two years. I told her "It's me or the cat." She chose the cat. FML

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By ZINGER - 14/11/2009 06:02 - United States

Today, I woke up to find that I left my headlights on last night. I found out by the headlights of my car smashed and a post-it note on my windshield saying "you accidentally left your headlights on... I took care of that for you". FML

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By Inez333 - 3/4/2019 02:00

Today, I finally got to see my favorite aunt after months of her living far away with her new boyfriend. She now believes the Earth is flat, gravity is fake, the government is run by reptiles, and that vaccines are the devil themselves. She won't stop trying to convince me of her conspiracies. FML

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By Flaps - 27/11/2010 12:36 - United States

Today, my boss fired me for being on Facebook at work. He did it via a wall post on Facebook saying, "ur fired." Six of my friends liked this. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/2/2014 23:14 - Australia - Fitzroy

Today, I proudly informed my grandma that I now have a girlfriend. My grandpa overheard and said how surprising that was, given how expensive blowup dolls are. He and my grandma then both laughed out loud. FML

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By sotired - 5/3/2013 19:58 - Australia - Mona Vale

Today, my neighbour's puppy has developed separation anxiety. Every time my neighbour leaves for work, the puppy constantly whines and barks until he gets home. He works night shifts. FML

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By French - 4/5/2011 17:29 - Switzerland

Today, my boss told me I'm not working hard enough because I take French classes two mornings a week and therefore I won't be getting a promotion. If I want the promotion I have to stop taking my French classes. These are the same French classes I was told I originally needed for the promotion. FML

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By badhairday - 4/9/2009 20:10 - United States

Today, was a nice day, so I opened the sunroof and all the windows in my car. My hair started flying around and at one point it went out the sunroof. My friends thought it would be funny to close my hair in the sunroof. They laughed until they couldn't open it up again. It short-circuited. FML

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By horribledriver - 1/12/2009 22:48 - United States

Today, I was driving down a highway during rush-hour. I heard my phone ring and couldn't find it. I bent down to feel around for it and got in an accident and totaled my car. The ringing? A commercial on the radio. Where was my phone? On my dresser at home. FML

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By emmey - 23/7/2009 19:43 - United States

Today, while showering at my boyfriend's house early this morning, I saw a huge black spider on the wall. I am allergic to spiders, so in my disorientation I ran out of the shower screaming, slipped, sprained my wrist and bruised my tailbone. Turns out the spider was a clump of hair. My hair. FML

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By mn051299 - 10/2/2016 09:09 - Switzerland - Richterswil

Today, I sat in my hotel room bathroom in dead silence for 30 minutes while I waited for the cleaning staff to stop watching TV and drinking beer from the minibar, so that I could finish using the toilet. FML

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By katier8295 - 27/10/2012 12:43 - Australia - Perth

Today, I was writing out palm cards and didn't know if I'd spelled a word correctly, so I stared at it for about 10 seconds waiting for spell check to tell me if it was right or not before I realised I was writing on paper. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/2/2011 17:03 - United Kingdom

Today, I had my boyfriend come over for dinner for the first time. It was all going well until my dad started explaining to my boyfriend how to use toilet paper. He even demonstrated it. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/7/2014 21:41 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my 6-year-old brother showed me the "books" he's been writing for the past week. My parents, who are first-generation immigrants, want him to take the books to school to show everyone. My only problem with this? The main character's name is "Wanker". FML

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By asdfBUTT - 6/3/2012 01:36 - United States

Today, I went swimming in a pond. I came out covered in leeches. Terrified, I screamed, flailed about and cried out for help until half a dozen people ran over. One of them was kind enough to point out that those leeches I was so afraid of were actually patches of mud. FML

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By Mightytall - 5/10/2019 20:00

It's always when your hands are full that your nose starts to itch

Today, I found the perfect position on the couch, both feet up comfortably and my two cats curled up in my lap. Then, my foot started to itch. FML

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By Anon - 4/12/2015 07:14 - United States - Modesto

Today, I got detention at school because a girl told the principal I was stalking her on campus. I wasn't stalking her, we just have very similar schedules. FML

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By Picky - 6/7/2017 14:58

Today, I woke up to my younger brother picking his nose with my fingers. His explanation? "You were sleeping." FML

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By Scarred Nephew - 10/5/2016 22:28 - United States - Allen

Today, I surprise-visited my uncle after not seeing him for 4 years because of college. When he opened the door to his house, he was wearing Crocs. Of course, that would have been completely fine if it weren't for the fact that they were the only thing he was wearing. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/7/2013 04:23 - United States - Clarks Summit

Today, I had an allergy test. Not only was I allergic to 35 out of the 40 items, they also found out that I'm allergic to the latex gloves my doctor happened to be wearing. Now my entire back is covered in a rash that will last at least another week. FML

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By Juliet - 12/4/2013 00:40 - United States - Inglewood

Today, my Romeo and Juliet style relationship hit an all time low when my boyfriend's parents filed a lawsuit against my parents. FML

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By Flip - 2/5/2012 05:06 - France

Today, to avoid looking like a loser in front of his friends who all have girlfriends, my brother made up a perfect relationship. He asked me to give him a hickey in exchange for 50 euros. Our parents walked in on us. FML

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By evelynn - 20/5/2010 06:25 - France

Today, the guy I'm seeing and I were having sex. While I was having my orgasm, he looked at me and said "SHHHH!". FML

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By Anonymous - 17/1/2012 08:26 - Libyan Arab Jamahiriya

Double take

Today, after sex, my boyfriend turned to me and said, "You know, sometimes, you look like Kevin Spacey." FML

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By mcdonalds - 6/8/2013 04:11 - United States

Today, I dislocated my shoulder. I was screaming and writhing in pain, and my eyes were shut for most of the ride to the hospital. We stopped, and I was thrilled because I thought we were at the ER. I was wrong. My dad had stopped to order a cheeseburger. FML

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By DSM - 14/3/2009 11:05 - United States

Today, I was going to attempt to compliment my girlfriend, I planned on telling her that she smelled really nice. In a loving tone, I confidently told her, "Baby, you have a certain stench to you." FML

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By Murlocmurk - 5/12/2012 17:04 - United States

Today, at school, I have to do a 45 minute presentation with a girl who has panic attacks so bad that she cries, runs out of the room, and sometimes passes out. This presentation terrifies her and it's a major part of my final grade. FML

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By anonymous - 20/11/2015 19:07 - United States

Today, my ex got arrested for stealing. His new girlfriend texted me asking if I could lend her money to bail him out. FML

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By bitch - 4/8/2010 01:19 - United States

Today, my car broke down. I had a two mile, up-hill walk ahead of me. About half way up the hill, a car beeped. Thinking they were poking fun at my misfortune, I began to curse and use obscene gestures, only to find out that it was my neighbor asking if I needed a ride. She drove off. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/6/2009 01:33 - Australia

Today, my bank card was skimmed (copied electronically) and my account was totally cleaned out. I had only just got paid and don't get paid again for 4 weeks. The bank says it will take 21 days minimum to resolve. They offered me a credit card with a huge interest rate to help me get by. FML

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By krissy8799 - 15/7/2011 04:53 - United States

Today, I gave my boyfriend a blow job for the first time. He posted it on Facebook and can't understand why I'm angry with him. FML

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By knickersdontfit - 26/1/2011 17:44 - United States

Today, I was doing my grocery shopping, absent-mindedly wondering if my new diet was working. I got my answer when my panties fell down around my ankles. FML

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By emeraldapostle - 25/11/2018 17:30

Today, I had a good day at work. I got all of my stuff done, I got to eat, and I got to clock out on time. It only became a bad day when I was told by my boss that today was my day off. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/4/2009 15:26 - Australia

Today, I got a text from my girlfriend saying she needed more phone credit, so I bought her more and got another message saying "Great, now I have enough credit for this..." as she spelled out a three page message breaking up with me. Yes, I paid for her to break up with me via text. FML

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Top comments

By Steve95401 | 49

#6342016 - Monday 6 July 2015 14:18

At least your Dad is still interested in checking out your Mom's boobs after all these years.

By not_your_taco | 15

#6342019 - Monday 6 July 2015 14:20

At least you know they aren't getting divorced anytime soon

COMMENTS

By senor_octubre | 24

#6342010 - Monday 6 July 2015 14:15

Some things can never be unseen. Let's hope for your sake that this can be.

jerzjay | 17

#6342023 - Monday 6 July 2015 14:21

No chance...op is scarred for life!

sonasonic | 34

#6342959 - Tuesday 7 July 2015 5:43

OP needs some double strength brain bleach for that stain.

By Steve95401 | 49

#6342016 - Monday 6 July 2015 14:18

At least your Dad is still interested in checking out your Mom's boobs after all these years.

cari_cat | 19

#6342464 - Monday 6 July 2015 20:41

You have to be really optimistic to see your mom's boobs and think "At least my parents aren't splitting up"

sonasonic | 34

#6342960 - Tuesday 7 July 2015 5:44

You're not supposed to be optimistic when YOU see them.

By golferman72 | 16

#6342017 - Monday 6 July 2015 14:19

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

bl865ood | 17

#6342190 - Monday 6 July 2015 17:06

big enough

InSultan | 14

#6342974 - Tuesday 7 July 2015 6:02

I was going to ask that lol

platypus546 | 24

#6343155 - Tuesday 7 July 2015 10:13

the thirst is real

By not_your_taco | 15

#6342019 - Monday 6 July 2015 14:20

At least you know they aren't getting divorced anytime soon

lilpsyco | 16

#6342436 - Monday 6 July 2015 20:07

Boobs, preventing marriages from falling apart since the dawn of man.

By echarlotte | 19

#6342020 - Monday 6 July 2015 14:20

Sorry you had to witness that op.

By aliceablaze | 16

#6342021 - Monday 6 July 2015 14:21

Well it is Texas.

RedPillSucks | 31

#6342197 - Monday 6 July 2015 17:18

everything is bigger in texas

ZombieVampirez | 24

#6342271 - Monday 6 July 2015 18:21

Not everything

mexican_music | 13

#6342633 - Monday 6 July 2015 23:38

no, everything

By Nessco | 36

#6342022 - Monday 6 July 2015 14:21

hahaha, too funny. I always make sure there's no way of my kids seeing, even if they were to turn around.

By fluffydress | 2

#6342028 - Monday 6 July 2015 14:23

I think that's cute!! Good for them!!

By keiNan_fml | 35

#6342029 - Monday 6 July 2015 14:23

at least he is not cheating.

danimal_crackerz | 26

#6342048 - Monday 6 July 2015 14:50

Um.. No that just proves he still has interest in her, doesn't mean he doesn't also have interest in someone else

By Cads1 | 24

#6342034 - Monday 6 July 2015 14:26

Classic parents misbehaving in front of their children. Good to see it still exists.