Intimacy: Today, I was making love with my girlfriend and my landline rang.... - FML

By Gwayhir - France

Today, I was making love with my girlfriend and my landline rang. Obviously, I let it go to voicemail. At the very moment I was about to cum, I heard my mum's voice on my voicemail: "Hi sweetheart!" FML

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This Charming Man

Bad boys, bad boys, what ya gonna do?

A new enemy

By shitforchris - Canada

Today, I had to give the girl I am absolutely in love with advice on how to have better sex with her boyfriend. FML

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By friskeyk14 - United States

Today, I showed my boyfriend a calendar, marked with the number of times we've had sex over the past month. Then followed by a calendar of the month before, which had almost triple the number of hits. I had to point out that our stats need to improve. FML

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By Mojosahomo - United States - Salt Lake City

Thanksssss

Today, my cat decided to show me just how much he loves me by bringing a live snake into my bedroom. Thanks. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to re-take an hour long MRI scan because I got an erection midway through. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/5/2020 20:00

Addicted to love

Today, I was half paying attention to a text message conversation with someone about how addicted we both were to social media. It's wasn't until deep into the conversation that I realized we were actually talking about porn. FML

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By ItHurtsLIkeHell - Malaysia

Today, I learnt that if you accidentally sit on a hamster, instead of dying, it bites your testicles. FML

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By itwasajoke

Today, I ran into an old friend for whom I used to have feelings. I hadn't seen her in years, so I thought it would be funny if I went up to her and said, "Hey, you look familiar, do I know you?" She thought I had really forgotten her and burst into tears. FML

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By nico - United States

Today, I broke my collarbone in a rugby tournament. I was forced to sit through five more hours of games because the coach wouldn't take me to the hospital until the tournament was over. FML

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By jlol - United States

Today, my teacher reached over to hand me a paper. I thought it would be funny to flinch and say, "Dad, please don't hit me". Unfortunately, he didn't think it was a joke, so I got questioned by the on-campus officer. FML

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By barebackingit - Canada - Kanata

Today, I woke up late and had to rush to catch my bus. Upon arriving at school, I was hot from running and took off my sweater. It was then, in a lecture hall with 400 people, that I realised I hadn't put a shirt on underneath. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Portland

Today, I was making love to my fiancée, when she dug her nails into my back and told me to "choke" her like I did last night. I was at work last night. FML

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By maharaja

Today, multiple people informed my girlfriend that I’m cheating on her. I’m not. FML

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By anonymous - New Zealand

Today, I got so nervous that I actually peed my pants during a job interview. FML

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By noluckwhatsoever - United States

Today, after months of job hunting, I got a call back for a position. I was outside at the time and had no pen or paper available to write the address down. I told the guy to call me back in 5 minutes and he agreed. It's been 3 hours and still no call. FML

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By Noname - New Zealand

Today, my girlfriend was giving me head while I was watching Star Trek and I accidentally called her Spock. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a man dressed as Santa Claus walked by me, grabbing my butt. He smelled of pipe tobacco and pee. He pulled me close to him and whispered, "I bet you're naughty but you feel so nice." I looked dumbfounded at him as he winked and yelled, "You're on my list." FML

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By Anonymous - 3/11/2020 23:01 - Australia

Modern Family

Today, my stupid drunk dad was yelling for food and since my mum needed to finish her taxes before midnight, I told him to STFU and passed him prawn fried rice, which he told me to shove up my ass. I threw it in the bin, since he is the only meat eater in the family. When she finished, she yelled at me instead of him. FML

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By smurfpoo - Canada

Today, while cleaning the bathroom in a suite at the hotel I work at, I heard a couple come in, and then a marriage proposal. She said no, that she had been seeing someone else and left the room. I was then alone in the bathroom, listening to a grown man sob. FML

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By UnluckyJulie - United States

Today, it was my 17th birthday. I didn't want my family to spend money on a cake, so my dad made this delicious apple ring. At least, it was great until my mouth began to itch and my throat closed. I have been allergic to nuts since birth, and my dad put walnuts in my birthday cake. FML

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By Anonymous - Italy - Padova

Today, as I tried to get off the bus, my bag and the hand holding it got stuck between the exit doors. I dropped the bag in panic, but the driver wouldn't let me off until we got to the next stop. I had to walk all the way back to get my bag. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/7/2020 17:02

Everybody needs good neighbours

Today, I live on the second floor and my neighbor from below banged on my door, telling me I sounded like a giant elephant and needed to learn to be quiet. I was eating ice cream in bed. I also live alone. FML

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By supras - United Kingdom - Luton

Today, playing soccer, I jumped up to make a header and clear the ball away from our goal. I got the ball but some guy kicked me in the face. I was taken off. All the parents were horrified, saying how badly my nose must have broken. Turns out my nose was fine. That's just how my nose looks. FML

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By killmenow - Canada - Halifax

Today, I burped in front of my crush. Well, not really in front of him. I turned around mid-burp and noticed him, not knowing anyone was there. The surprise made me scream a little, which only amplified the burp. So I made this mighty belch-turned-scream noise, while maintaining eye contact with him. FML

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By jeanrose2013 - United States - Jonesboro

Today, I was walking with my boyfriend when a guy walked up to me and told me I look exactly like Taylor Swift. My boyfriend punched him in the face and told him that Taylor Swift is a lot more attractive. I'm actually considering leaving him for the complete stranger. FML

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By Anonymous

House rules

Today, I had a date with a guy I've had a crush on for months. Not knowing where the date would take us, I shaved my pubic hair. Later, in the middle of making out with the guy, my dad storms into the room to tell me, "I had to get some Draino, your pubes clogged the shower." FML

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By imalilangel05 - United States

Today, I was tutoring kids at an elementary school. One kid messed up my hair. I said, "Why'd you do that??" He said, "I have lice, now you have lice too!" FML

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By tuck87 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I had a customer write "fuck you" in the tip option area on his credit card slip, I have no idea why. FML

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By apparently_disabled - Canada - Victoria

Today, I was trying to make a good impression with my fiancé's friends. After a few hours, I thought all was going well. As I walked to the washroom, I heard, "So what disability does she have? No one can be like that without something wrong in their brain." FML

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By tinytitty - United States

Today, my crush and I were hooking up and as he slipped his hands up my shirt in order to "feel me up" he started rubbing around my whole torso. When I asked him what he was doing he replied "well I was looking for your boobs but apparently you have none" FML

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By floff

Today, I broke a toe. It was not too bad and I can still walk, but the doctors had to tape it to the next toe to help it heal. Turns out I am allergic to the glue on the tape. The pain of the blisters covering two toes and the itch is worst than the break. FML

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By confused - 12/6/2020 02:06

Can't win

Today, I was told by my wife that she was moving in with her mother, because I was causing her to have panic attacks. She said she still loves me and wants to be with me, but she needs a few months to herself. I have given her her way for most of our marriage. FML

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By jordigs - United States

Today, the elderly couple next door asked me to cut down a tree in their yard. It turns out they told me to cut down the wrong tree, and I cut down the tree they got married under. They now hate me and tell me they plan to sue me for damage to property. FML

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By brittbrat4 - United States

Today, I was jamming out in my car, tapping my fingers on the wheel and bobbing my head. At the next stoplight, I happened to look over and the passenger of the car next to me was holding a sign in the window saying, "I bet you don't have a boyfriend, do you?" FML

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By caligirl4ever

Today, my boyfriend and I got robbed. He was so depressed about all the stuff we lost, I decided to cheer him up with a lap dance. I told him to sit on a chair. We have no furniture left. He started crying. FML

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By sadlysingle - United States - Rockwall

Today, I received a response to my perfectly straightforward online dating profile: "How about changing a dirty diaper, mommy?" FML

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By 2 time momma - 23/1/2021 21:58 - United Kingdom - Leeds

Quiet night in

Today, as a stressed NHS nurse, I tried to take a relaxing bath, except I dropped my book in the water, my candle set my hair on fire, I slipped getting out and may have broken my finger. The noise woke up my 2 kids, so I had to start their bedtime routine over again and I got bath salt crystals in my eye. FML

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By thisismyawkwardface - South Africa - Johannesburg

Today, I was struggling through small-talk at a party where I knew nobody. Tattoos came up and I started talking about trendy, girly tattoos like feathers, anchors and infinity signs with stupid words in them. Turns out the girl I was talking to had all three. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/5/2021 17:01

Toilet drama

Today, I'd always thought the scene in Scrubs when JD passes out while pooping was hilarious, until it happened to me. I recently found out I have a heart defect that can cause me to pass out if my blood pressure rises, and yes, I did pass out on the toilet and woke up covered in my own shit. FML

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By badtasteinmen - United States - Beaverton

Today, I finally got the courage to leave my controlling and manipulative ex. He took it well. And by "took it well", I mean he camped out my doorstep, held some of my belongings hostage, and tried to blackmail me into staying with him. FML

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By wtfkasey - Canada - Dundas

Today, I walked in on a raccoon viciously tearing apart a giant bag of dog food, not five feet away from my sleeping dog. FML

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Top comments

By Mannerheim | 0

#7358 - Thursday 26 February 2009 0:05

Haha, dude, that sucks so bad.

By Sessee | 4

#139591 - Friday 24 April 2009 18:22

At least you didn't answer it and make your girlfriend talk to your mom like that one guy did since his mom didn't believe he was getting laid.
FYL.

COMMENTS

By bowener12 | 0

#367 - Friday 6 February 2009 3:13

so... you gotta a nut. didnt you?

Reply

snagglepaste | 0

#1076608 - Saturday 10 July 2010 7:20

... and i gizzed in my pants.

Reply

TheTweaker | 0

#2788606 - Thursday 30 June 2011 2:20

#34 You spelled jizz* wrong. OP atleast it wasn't your dad.

By Mannerheim | 0

#7358 - Thursday 26 February 2009 0:05

Haha, dude, that sucks so bad.

By Synthetic42 | 0

#36027 - Tuesday 17 March 2009 1:36

oooooooooouuuuuuuuuuuuuuucccccccccccccchhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

By xBROKEN_SMILE | 0

#81330 - Saturday 4 April 2009 6:55

lmfaao.

By lifeisf_ed | 1

#87814 - Monday 6 April 2009 23:04

omg , this is so freaking funny!!
yes ur life is f'ed :)

By davidcassoa | 0

#123754 - Sunday 19 April 2009 5:04

i'm sorry

By nazooer | 11

#131700 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 3:25

Not an fml..

By InspiredByGaGa | 8

#132786 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 16:44

that sucks.

By Sessee | 4

#139591 - Friday 24 April 2009 18:22

At least you didn't answer it and make your girlfriend talk to your mom like that one guy did since his mom didn't believe he was getting laid.
FYL.

By alexxaxox | 0

#143789 - Sunday 26 April 2009 5:44

hahahahaahahaahahhahahah