Today, I was having a relaxing "wank", as they might say on Doctor Who, when a large spider descended from its web and came practically eye-to-eye with me. I screamed like a bitch and fell off my bed, pants around my ankles. Then my sister ran in to see what was wrong. FML
Collection
Thanksgiving
Questions about your love life, a burnt turkey and the cousin who knows everything: Thanksgiving, a contact sport.
Today, I was in my bed masturbating when I felt something on my chest. I looked down to see a spider running around. I'm super scared of spiders. FML
Today, as I put on my pajamas, a large spider ran down my leg. After freaking out, killing it, and recomposing myself, I went to the bathroom. As I sat down to go to the toilet, I looked up to see hundreds of baby spiders hanging over my head. FML
Today, I was quietly having a bath when I felt something fall onto my shoulder blade. I glanced over my shoulder and saw what I thought were huge black spider legs. I screamed, completely hysterical, and I threw myself violently against a wall. It was my hair. FML
Today, a spider crawled across my arm. After a quick dance in a fit of panic, I managed to scramble onto my bed. I thought I would stand up to see if I could spot the spider and maybe kill it. I was then promptly knocked unconscious by my ceiling fan. FML
Today, I was relaxing in bed with an arm kind of behind my head, when I noticed a huge spider resting on my armpit. My sister said my screaming sounded like a "witch being burned to death" for all of 5 seconds before I realized the "spider" was just my armpit hair. FML
Today, while showering at my boyfriend's house early this morning, I saw a huge black spider on the wall. I'm allergic to spiders, so in my disorientation I ran out of the shower screaming, slipped, sprained my wrist, and bruised my tailbone. Turns out the spider was a clump of hair. My hair. FML
Today, I woke up to something tickling me. Thinking it was my cat, I reached under the covers to give her a friendly scratch behind the ears. I imagine the giant spider that was actually there enjoyed my terrified screams. FML
Today, I saw a big, black spider on the floor of my bathroom. I promptly jumped up on the toilet seat, slipped off, and slammed my head against the wall. The best part? It was a tuft of my hair. FML
Today, I was in the bathroom at a party when I noticed a spider the size of a golf ball on the toilet paper roll. I screamed, tripped over my own feet trying to flee, and fell right into the bathtub. Everyone at the party heard. FML
Today, I was masturbating into a sock when I felt something on my cock. I quickly ripped the sock off and threw it on the floor… and watched a huge spider come scurrying out. I just inadvertently fucked a spider. FML
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Top comments
kaybows 14
Yeah, pretty sure masturbation's never been brought up in Doctor Who.
bahamit 18
Two words.... Door lock....
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Comments (81)
pooldude 24
i never get how people get caught while wanking. Have you guys not heard of door locks or do not check them before hand? YDI
derangedplanet 23
He just wanted a nice front row seat. poor sister though. and as far as it goes. wank is a British word. he's making a cliche guys
tj4234 36
He could at least have used a show where they would say wank. For example, the Inbetweeners.
9a_1z 12
I'm all for people embracing this noble word into their vocabularies, but 'wank' is more than just a TV series, wank is the entirety of British existence. Wank is always leaving the house with an umbrella, wank is puking on buses at 3am, wank is the entire bloody royal family.
oreoeater 21
#21 We are still talking about masturbating right?
deminchic 22
#21 is on ******* acid, man. Don't listen to him....
mewtwonow 24
They don't say wank on doctor who
mercumorr 20
I'm just not getting why doctor who was brought up
Levvy 22
Might just be the only place the OP has ever heard any UK dialects.
mariri9206 32
exactly. it's completely unnecessary here.
IronMan_Mk43 20
For a second there I thought you said you were having a wank TO doctor who
deminchic 22
That's really the only real reason to even mention it at all.
sw33tt 14
I am curious to know what this has to do with Doctor Who
Lalala579121 28
The only reason I can figure is that it's British and British people use the word "wanker".
shellykjelly 26
They haven't said "wank" on Doctor who yet. But it will happen in the future. Wibbelly wobbley timey wimey stuff
Soninuva 41
Your comment would've been far better if you'd had a picture of 10 instead of 11.
FlashlightBob 13
Lock the door next time, pal.
BrassWing13 11
They'd call it that in Britain and in pretty sure has never been said on DW
Lalala579121 28
All I can imagine this being like is the scene from Supernatural where Dean screams at the cat in the locker.
Kahli21 15
Sounds like a few new meanings for "abusing that pussy".