Today, I was having a relaxing "wank", as they might say on Doctor Who, when a large spider descended from its web and came practically eye-to-eye with me. I screamed like a bitch and fell off my bed, pants around my ankles. Then my sister ran in to see what was wrong. FML
Collection
Thanksgiving
Questions about your love life, a burnt turkey and the cousin who knows everything: Thanksgiving, a contact sport.
Today, I was in my bed masturbating when I felt something on my chest. I looked down to see a spider running around. I'm super scared of spiders. FML
Today, as I put on my pajamas, a large spider ran down my leg. After freaking out, killing it, and recomposing myself, I went to the bathroom. As I sat down to go to the toilet, I looked up to see hundreds of baby spiders hanging over my head. FML
Today, I was quietly having a bath when I felt something fall onto my shoulder blade. I glanced over my shoulder and saw what I thought were huge black spider legs. I screamed, completely hysterical, and I threw myself violently against a wall. It was my hair. FML
Today, a spider crawled across my arm. After a quick dance in a fit of panic, I managed to scramble onto my bed. I thought I would stand up to see if I could spot the spider and maybe kill it. I was then promptly knocked unconscious by my ceiling fan. FML
Today, I was relaxing in bed with an arm kind of behind my head, when I noticed a huge spider resting on my armpit. My sister said my screaming sounded like a "witch being burned to death" for all of 5 seconds before I realized the "spider" was just my armpit hair. FML
Today, while showering at my boyfriend's house early this morning, I saw a huge black spider on the wall. I'm allergic to spiders, so in my disorientation I ran out of the shower screaming, slipped, sprained my wrist, and bruised my tailbone. Turns out the spider was a clump of hair. My hair. FML
Today, I woke up to something tickling me. Thinking it was my cat, I reached under the covers to give her a friendly scratch behind the ears. I imagine the giant spider that was actually there enjoyed my terrified screams. FML
Today, I saw a big, black spider on the floor of my bathroom. I promptly jumped up on the toilet seat, slipped off, and slammed my head against the wall. The best part? It was a tuft of my hair. FML
Today, I was in the bathroom at a party when I noticed a spider the size of a golf ball on the toilet paper roll. I screamed, tripped over my own feet trying to flee, and fell right into the bathtub. Everyone at the party heard. FML
Today, I was masturbating into a sock when I felt something on my cock. I quickly ripped the sock off and threw it on the floor… and watched a huge spider come scurrying out. I just inadvertently fucked a spider. FML
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Top comments
kaybows 14
Yeah, pretty sure masturbation's never been brought up in Doctor Who.
bahamit 18
Two words.... Door lock....
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Comments (81)
kitkatmiaow 21
What version of Dr Who are You watching???
Pandistoteles 16
I apologize for now knowing that Doctor Who and England were synonyms.
TheLostCauseFML 40
This was added to my favorites. Thanks, OP. Hope your package wasn't as damaged as your pride... lol. I hate spiders...
worldclassrager 41
This will be an interesting conversation...
Vegetarian27 24
I'm giving you a YDI purely for your quotation marks around the word wank.
jackycat 17
You clearly don't watch any Doctor Who, otherwise you'd know it's a family friendly show. Obviously, you deserve it in the eyes of all the irritated Whovians in the comments.
cole66 14
all the "they don't use that word on doctor who" comments are about to make me delete this app
LegionRapier61 8
Dumbass
Jryan952015 7
If it bit you then you will become super-dickman
ncparry 18
You mean "wank" as the British people say. There is an entire country where Doctor Who is filmed and I don't believe he ever said wank.