Today, I was having a relaxing "wank", as they might say on Doctor Who, when a large spider descended from its web and came practically eye-to-eye with me. I screamed like a bitch and fell off my bed, pants around my ankles. Then my sister ran in to see what was wrong. FML
Collection
Wild Nights Out
Last call, bad decisions and 3 a.m. texts you'll regret until noon. Cheers.
Today, I was in my bed masturbating when I felt something on my chest. I looked down to see a spider running around. I'm super scared of spiders. FML
Today, as I put on my pajamas, a large spider ran down my leg. After freaking out, killing it, and recomposing myself, I went to the bathroom. As I sat down to go to the toilet, I looked up to see hundreds of baby spiders hanging over my head. FML
Today, I was quietly having a bath when I felt something fall onto my shoulder blade. I glanced over my shoulder and saw what I thought were huge black spider legs. I screamed, completely hysterical, and I threw myself violently against a wall. It was my hair. FML
Today, a spider crawled across my arm. After a quick dance in a fit of panic, I managed to scramble onto my bed. I thought I would stand up to see if I could spot the spider and maybe kill it. I was then promptly knocked unconscious by my ceiling fan. FML
Today, I was relaxing in bed with an arm kind of behind my head, when I noticed a huge spider resting on my armpit. My sister said my screaming sounded like a "witch being burned to death" for all of 5 seconds before I realized the "spider" was just my armpit hair. FML
Today, while showering at my boyfriend's house early this morning, I saw a huge black spider on the wall. I'm allergic to spiders, so in my disorientation I ran out of the shower screaming, slipped, sprained my wrist, and bruised my tailbone. Turns out the spider was a clump of hair. My hair. FML
Today, I woke up to something tickling me. Thinking it was my cat, I reached under the covers to give her a friendly scratch behind the ears. I imagine the giant spider that was actually there enjoyed my terrified screams. FML
Today, I saw a big, black spider on the floor of my bathroom. I promptly jumped up on the toilet seat, slipped off, and slammed my head against the wall. The best part? It was a tuft of my hair. FML
Today, I was in the bathroom at a party when I noticed a spider the size of a golf ball on the toilet paper roll. I screamed, tripped over my own feet trying to flee, and fell right into the bathtub. Everyone at the party heard. FML
Today, I was masturbating into a sock when I felt something on my cock. I quickly ripped the sock off and threw it on the floor… and watched a huge spider come scurrying out. I just inadvertently fucked a spider. FML
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Top comments
kaybows 14
Yeah, pretty sure masturbation's never been brought up in Doctor Who.
bahamit 18
Two words.... Door lock....
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Comments (81)
TonierShadow 19
Hey sis, can you give big brother a hand here? This means two things
Sciath13 14
Omg, lol, something similar happened to me the other day as I sat down on the loo... I've never felt so trapped in my life.
erinyesamare 3
There was absolutely no need to mention Doctor Who while talking about your masturbation experiences.
itouchedthebutt 4
That's either the start of a porno or a terrible situation
_imacooldude_ 10
Lock the door man! Or learn to pull your pants up really quickly
jonlndjns 8
It's called a lock. Use it.
ZDRANO 9
then what happened?
Levvy 22
You... do know that England is a real place, right? It wasn't made up for Doctor Who. (And does that show actually employ that word?)
hayleyclc 15
It wouldn't be on Doctor Who as it is a rude word, not just slang. You are a right wanker.
narnianstars 8
So was the spider the same size as the one from doctor who?