Today, I was going to the bathroom at work. When I stood up,...

By Anonymous - 17/6/2014 02:45 - United States - Saint Louis

Today, I was going to the bathroom at work. When I stood up, I noticed a little button on the side. I pressed it and the toilet flushed. I've worked there for nine months and just found out today that our toilets don't flush automatically. FML

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Work

Relationships sink

Rich people problems

Abuse

By Sandman2015 - 29/1/2016 18:36 - United States - American Fork

Today, I walked in on one of my co-workers jerking off in the bathroom, complete with heavy breathing and victory groans. I don't want to go to HR, but I can't even look at him anymore. We have to work on a project together next week. FML

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By notout - 17/10/2017 15:00

Today, my 28-year-old brother screamed at me and outed me to our very religious, homophobic parents because I wouldn't let him shock his friend with an electric dog collar. FML

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By adamwilcockson - 18/9/2014 04:05 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I found out I'm allergic to bug repellent. So instead of having a couple of itchy bug bites, my skin feels like it's on fire and is violently itchy everywhere the repellent has touched. FML

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By not the scalpel - 15/9/2012 07:36 - United States - Paso Robles

Today, my boyfriend called out the word "scalpel" when he orgasmed. He won't tell me why. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/2/2018 15:00

Today, I came home from a month long vacation to find my house absolutely trashed with a lot of valuable items missing. Burglary? Nope. My dad, who was meant to be house-sitting for me, let the neighbour's teenage son have several parties there in exchange for weed. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/7/2012 20:45 - United States - Clay City

Today, I went to buy some beer using my fake ID, when the cute cashier and I started flirting. When he asked me how old I was, I said without thinking, "Nineteen." FML

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By I warned him - 19/12/2014 02:39 - United States - Marietta

Today, I beat my boyfriend in a video game. He promptly dumped me and told me to leave. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/8/2014 15:22 - China - Shanghai

Today, my husband wanted me to take a sleeping pill before having sex with me. Apparently I'm better in bed while half-asleep. FML

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By dollarstorepwnr - 19/3/2011 05:37 - Canada

Today, my dad cussed out an individual on the phone because he thought it was a telemarketer. He was my Indian girlfriend's father. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/10/2019 00:01

Seize the means of production!

Today, there was a gas leak at work. We called the fire department, who advised us to evacuate the building. We called our manager to let her know, and her response was "Oh, don’t do that." My boss would rather let us die of carbon monoxide exposure than lose out on 3 hours of work. FML

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By buryuntime - 3/3/2009 05:37 - United States

Today, my mother was re-enrolling me in school so she was required to fill out some paper work. Later, she asks me, "What does Caucasian mean?". I ask, "Why?". Apparently she didn't recognize the word so she checked "other" and wrote in "white". FML

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By WTF. - 3/8/2019 20:00

Today, I was interviewed by a WalMart employee for a position in their pharmacy. I didn't get the job. I was more qualified than the woman who gave me the interview. FML

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By liquidknight - 10/9/2012 12:48 - United States

Today, while trying to change my visiting cousin's opinion about our state being "redneck and white trash", we stumbled upon a proposal/celebration in a Walmart. So much for changing her opinion. FML

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By Gonzales - 7/8/2015 19:47 - Belgium - Leuven

Today, my girlfriend said she would give my penis a name: Gonzales. I asked why she wanted to name it that, and she said, "Because he's Speedy." FML

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By Cecilly2010 - 28/4/2011 15:53

Today, my drunk dad started yelling at my dog for not having a job. FML

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By novapine - 1/10/2013 08:34 - United States - Staffordsville

Today, I was told there was a bench warrant out for my arrest because a notice to appear for jury duty was sent to my old address and I never responded. I haven't lived at my old address for 2 years. FML

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By plzdontclapme - 1/7/2012 23:03

Today, I tripped on the way back from collecting a prize in front of 600 students and their parents. I got more applause than I did when collecting the prize. FML

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By Mommy - 26/6/2011 20:47 - United States

Today, I was driving when a guy in a truck swerved in front of me. I didn't realize I'd sworn until I'd come to a red light and my one year old daughter yelled her own version of what I said. She now yells "Chicken in the hole!" whenever the car comes to a stop. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/11/2009 17:44 - United Kingdom

Today, I went on a blind double date with my friend. My date was actually blind. Not so bad, he seemed nice, until he told me I sound ugly and annoying. My friend laughed and agreed. FML

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By zobara - 2/2/2012 04:35 - Switzerland

Today, after my credit card was stolen, the thief made donations to charitable associations. Now I feel bad for asking for the money back. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/7/2016 03:01 - United Kingdom

Today, for reasons that I dare not ask, I received a topless selfie from my Nan followed quickly by a simple sorry text. Sorry is not going to pay for the years of therapy I need. FML

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By fencernick - 22/4/2009 10:40 - United States

Today, I was eating a hamburger on the street when a pigeon came down to take a bite. I ran and got 30 birds or so chasing me. My legs were burning, half of my burger was gone, and an entire office building was laughing at me. FML

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By why - 23/7/2013 13:21

Today, I caught my roommate pouring back his leftover milk from his cereal back into the jug to "save money." FML

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By pinoyson - 11/10/2009 21:24 - United States

Today, I was texting a girl that I've liked for some time. When I asked her what she was doing, she replied "texting and p.s. I love you". I replied by telling her my feelings for her. Turns out "p.s. I love you" was the name of the movie she was watching with her friends. FML

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By Jensa - 16/1/2015 21:59 - United Kingdom - Buckingham

Today, my mother kindly brought me some soup as was recovering from having my tonsils out. Spicy Mexican bean soup. Yep, very spicy. FML

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By blinded - 11/2/2011 16:14 - United States

Today, I went to get a facial. I forgot my contact case so I put them into paper cup. My beautician thought it was leftover water from someone else, and threw my only pair of vision aid away. I scuttled home half blind. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/11/2009 03:28 - United States

Today, I was feeling confident enough to approach a guy by asking the bartender if I could buy him a refill of whatever he was drinking. He was drinking water. FML

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By Anon - 22/4/2013 07:19 - Singapore - Singapore

Today, my mum asked me, "Shouldn't you be cleaning your room?" On impulse, I replied, "Shouldn't you be in the kitchen?" I've never been hit so hard in my life. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/7/2013 16:28 - Belgium - Ieper

No kinkshaming on FML

Today, I had my first wet dream. I woke up sweating and soaking wet. Too bad I dreamed about having intense sex with a cardboard box. FML

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By Beeky - 22/8/2014 13:14 - United States - Helena

Today, I was excited to receive a rejection letter, because this was the first company to even acknowledge that I sent them a resume. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/2/2012 16:52 - United States

Today, I rescued a cactus from a lethal fall. It thanked me with a handful of spines. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/9/2016 03:40 - United States - San Jose

Today, I was driving home when a guy crashes into me from behind. I get out of my car and tell him that I'm going to call the cops. He then asks me if we can move to a corner because we're blocking the way, so then get back in to move. I look in the mirror to see him driving off. FML

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By forkmylife - 19/5/2011 22:57 - United States

Today, my school is having a mandatory class on etiquette. We've just now progressed onto forks after a long, tedious discussion on spoons. FML

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By jarrettsorko - 23/8/2011 16:38 - Canada

Today, someone broke into my house. They stole my TV, DVD player and a few DVDs. However they only took about 2 out of 100 DVDs. Apparently that's how bad my taste is in movies. FML

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By dank meme - 11/2/2017 17:00 - United States - Chicago

Today, I learned that my neighbor of 9 years has a kid. I learned this after I knocked down his snowman. FML

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By fataldisease - 11/12/2008 12:21 - France

Today, my son laughed at me when I tried to get him to put a bit more effort into his schoolwork. His grandmother had kindly given him all my shitty school reports from when I was his age. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/7/2019 20:00

Today, my father, who I haven't spoken to in over 12 years, contacted me. He just wanted to let me know that I should get tested for a rare neurological disease. The only thing the man has given to me since my conception is potentially a death certificate. FML

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By DoYourWorst - 10/3/2017 06:00 - Canada

Dorsia? On a Friday night?

Today, marks yet another day when I've been threatened to be ruined with the words, "I know people in high places!" and had objects thrown at me at my workplace. I'm a hostess. FML

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By aphre - 18/3/2009 12:35 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend of over a year and I were discussing how neither of us is the other's usual 'type'. I explained that I usually go for insular asshole types and then asked him what made me different from his usual choices. He said 'Oh, well, I usually go for the attractive ones.' FML

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By kittybad - 23/6/2013 05:05 - United States

Today, my wife made me moist cat food burgers as a prank. I didnt have the heart to tell her that they tasted better than the ones she usually makes. FML

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Top comments

By comedybreak | 20

#5978276 - Tuesday 17 June 2014 11:36

How unaware of your surroundings are you... YDI

By Meggston | 17

#5978278 - Tuesday 17 June 2014 11:38

That's extraordinarily disgusting.

Comments

By comedybreak | 20

#5978276 - Tuesday 17 June 2014 11:36

How unaware of your surroundings are you... YDI

spignona84 | 11

#5978400 - Tuesday 17 June 2014 15:39

The automatic ones also have push buttons. Maybe OP just thinks he's never heard it flush.

zebrainthenight | 13

#5978602 - Tuesday 17 June 2014 18:55

Right? That's crazy.

And look- OP is a guy. If he had to stand up when he was done, that means he took a shit, he didn't just pee.

A7XCamaro | 19

#5978612 - Tuesday 17 June 2014 19:12

Or he wanted a minute to play on his phone.

JJ_86 | 22

#5978776 - Tuesday 17 June 2014 21:58

Not just phone if he was working there for 9 months. Fuck the lives of all those who had to use toilet after OP the Ignorant dumbhead.

Ololo_fml | 15

#5979523 - Wednesday 18 June 2014 12:27

ewwww that stinks

By Mirorbo | 26

#5978277 - Tuesday 17 June 2014 11:39

So you just walked away every time, regardless of the lack of sound of flushing?

MrDonSalvetti | 27

#5978280 - Tuesday 17 June 2014 11:39

Maybe he thought they invented the "silent toilet" already?

By Meggston | 17

#5978278 - Tuesday 17 June 2014 11:38

That's extraordinarily disgusting.

jad0016 | 12

#5978863 - Wednesday 18 June 2014 0:01

So let me get this straight.. everytime you've left the bathroom you've left a big old shit sitting in the toliet for the next lucky guy. Dude thats disgusting -__-

kingdomgirl94 | 28

#5978981 - Wednesday 18 June 2014 2:15

No thread jacking man, not cool.

By umerin | 32

#5978279 - Tuesday 17 June 2014 11:39

That's gross. So you leave your piss/crap in there for other people to deal with? Did you not realize when you didn't hear the toilet flush?

anrou8 | 9

#5978339 - Tuesday 17 June 2014 13:34

shit happens

By ElinsVal | 9

#5978281 - Tuesday 17 June 2014 11:39

What. Didn't you notice before that it didn't flush?

lexiieeex3 | 32

#5990934 - Saturday 28 June 2014 10:09

Obviously not.

By Adam5858 | 17

#5978282 - Tuesday 17 June 2014 11:40

Toilet flushing automatically!!! I never heard of that

xSalashawty | 30

#5978286 - Tuesday 17 June 2014 11:43

There's quite a few here and honestly they scare the shit out of me sometimes, no pun intended.

SMHsohard | 22

#5978385 - Tuesday 17 June 2014 14:58

Especially when they flush before you stand up

mattrd_fml | 31

#5978614 - Tuesday 17 June 2014 19:14

Sometimes they flush before you stand up and it sprays drops of water on your rear. annoying!

TheVurcle | 10

#5978845 - Tuesday 17 June 2014 23:26

Idiot

awkward_welcomes | 8

#5978880 - Wednesday 18 June 2014 0:24

He most likely doesn't have them where he lives. You not realizing that or thinking that, means that you might be the idiot

By chuksnwali | 34

#5978283 - Tuesday 17 June 2014 11:38

Oh dude, this means that you left crap for people to deal with.

meli1195 | 31

#5978296 - Tuesday 17 June 2014 12:08

You would think that OP would have noticed that he never heard the flushing sound seeing as how automatic toilets flush right away. And it really is effing disgusting when people leave turds for others to deal with.

acerredrum | 23

#5978310 - Tuesday 17 June 2014 12:45

It is actually kind of weird that it isn't an automatic toilet. Automatic toilets tend to have a small button on the side just in case it doesn't register you, you still have a way to flush. Manual toilets usually have a lever.