Today, I was going to the bathroom at work. When I stood up,...

By Anonymous - United States - Saint Louis

Today, I was going to the bathroom at work. When I stood up, I noticed a little button on the side. I pressed it and the toilet flushed. I've worked there for nine months and just found out today that our toilets don't flush automatically. FML

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Work

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Not now, mom, I'm in pain

Great quality control

By theatreluver - United States

Today, it was opening night for the play where I was, for the first time ever, one of the leads. I went on stage with a loud and energetic entrance. I came in two scenes early. FML

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By Dat Stanky Mouf - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend why chewing "shit-tons of gum" is not an actual alternative to brushing his teeth. FML

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By footbloodfountain - Canada

Today, I realized why buying clear pins for the wall is a bad idea. If one falls out, you won't be able to see it with your eyes, but your foot will find it just fine. I also learnt foot wounds can produce a pretty significant geyser of blood. FML

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By weliveanddie14 - United States

Today, I was at the library. I went near the computer section when I saw this man cursing and pounding his fists on a computer. He left. I thought I'd check it out. As I sat down, a librarian came over with the security guard and pointed at me. I'm now being fined for destroying public property. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Rowlett

Today, I found out that mishearing my boss and laughing at what I thought he said can make him think I'm high and nearly force me to submit to a drug test. FML

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By MedHistory - Canada - Laval

Today, I decided to give a break to my students halfway through my 3 hour lecture. The break became the end of the lecture, because nobody came back. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Warrensburg

Today, I shaved my vagina for the first time ever. Had sex with my husband and then asked if he liked that. He said, "You've done that before, though". I haven't. We've been married 15 years. FML

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By lonleystoner91 - France

Today, my girlfriend of 2 months decided to wrestle with my younger brother. He has gotten more action than I have. FML

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By Tech Savvy - United States

Today, my ex, whom I haven't seen in two years, contacted me. She was great company back in the day, wild in bed, the most attractive person I've ever dated, and totally uninterested in a serious relationship. She wants me to fix her computer. FML

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By Anon - United States

Today, I shattered my iPhone screen. Pieces of glass are chipping out and can easily slice up any idiot who slides their finger across the screen. Unfortunately, I was that idiot. There's blood in the cracks of my screen. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was forced to spend an extra $318 for another plane ticket to Dallas. The ticket wasn't for my daughter, my mom, or my sister, but for the quarter of my butt that apparently needs its own seat. FML

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By lovely - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boyfriend thought it'd be cute to put his penis through a doughnut and try to make me eat it off. FML

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By NotYourToy - United States - Binghamton

Today, a customer scared me for the sole purpose of watching my breasts jiggle when I jumped in surprise. I know because his head moved as they did, and he said, "Nice." before walking away. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was in the middle of enjoying a really good book while in a waiting room. Someone saw what I was reading and thought it would be cool if she leaned over and told me everything that happens. FML

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By ShanghaiSam - China - Shanghai

Today, I found out half of the staff at work have been spreading rumours I'm sleeping with my boss. The other half are spreading rumours I'm sleeping with my subordinate. In reality, every night I go home to an apartment so empty that I don't even have condiments, to sleep alone. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at work, when I got bored and started spinning around in my chair for a little fun. As I was spinning, I went to grab my phone. I missed and sent my phone flying, hitting my coworker in the face. My boss witnessed the whole thing. FML

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By STOPTAKINGPICTURES - United States - New York

Today, it's been the tenth restaurant meal in a row that my husband has to ruin with Instagram, in the belief that anyone cares. FML

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By Jack00412 - United States - Montague

Today, I walked outside to find my 3 year old daughter and her pet fish playing together on the swings. FML

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By hold your horses pony boy - United States

Today, I took my car into a car wash. I guess it was a bad idea to do it with my dog in the car, because he freaked out, started scrambling around, and ended up pissing on everything, me included. FML

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By Djcc - United States

Today, while my boyfriend and I were watching TV, I asked him if he loved me. He turned up the volume. FML

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By Beaten - United States

Today, my boyfriend of one year broke up with me. He's been in jail for the last four months. I paid for his very expensive lawyer. FML

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By Araya - United Kingdom

Today, I had a pig kidney dissection in Biology. I see a 'sack' which appeared to contain a liquid. Being the curious type, I cut open the sack, spraying said liquid over me and my desk. My teacher, after giggling, informed me that the liquid was in fact urine. I was pissed on by a dead pig. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, is Christmas day. Normally, I'd spend it with family. However, my boss decided everyone has to work today, despite the fact that there's enough people who want to work to run the place. Apparently it's "fairer" if we all have to do it - except him. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to go pick up my kid, because he threw up while playing at his friend's house. The boy's mother bitched me out for not keeping my son at home while he was "ill". Her breath was unspeakably foul. So foul that it caused me to throw up too. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I went to the dentist to have a tooth pulled. The day before, I was too anxious to eat anything, so I went in with an empty stomach. There were complications during the extraction and now I'm not allowed to eat for the next 24 hours. FML

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By granny_panties - United States

Today, I was folding the laundry. At one point, I had to take a moment to figure out whether a pair of underwear was mine or my mothers. I'm 18. She is 56. Enough said. FML

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By klaatu barada nikto - United States - Des Moines

Today, at the soup kitchen I volunteer at, a guy called the food crap and threatened to shove his bowl up my ass if I didn't give him something better. FML

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By phishy - United States - Georgetown

Today, I got a call from a potential employer. Unfortunately, I couldn't understand the man due to his incoherent mumbling. I had to decline the job after asking him to repeat everything he said, over and over again. I still don't know exactly which job I declined. FML

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By - United States

My electric toothbrush

Today, I heard my sister masturbating in her room. I took the dog around the block to get out of the house, and I came back to see her leaving her room. She had my electric toothbrush in her hand. FML

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By NoTypeOfExercise - United States - Encino

Today, my husband told me I couldn't go to my morning yoga class, because he needed to leave for work at 7:30 am sharp, and I wouldn't be back in time to watch our son. It's 8:05 am and he still hasn't left for work. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Ithaca

Today, I discovered that when you suddenly get channels that you didn't have before, it doesn't mean there was a glitch and you're getting free TV, it just means that your son called the cable company and had your plan changed so you get every conceivable channel at a hugely increased price. FML

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By LonnyLonnikins - Canada

Today, I went to pick up my sister's wedding cake. It was a nice day, the shop was close, and the cake wasn't too big so I walked. On my way back, I stepped aside for a kid on a bike, tripped over my shoelaces, and dumped my sister's expensive, custom-designed cake. The wedding is tomorrow. FML

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By ilovemom - Costa Rica

Today, after reading a very emotional article about always letting your loved ones know how much you love them in case it's your last time seeing them, I went to my mom and told her how much I loved her and how thankful I was for everything. Her reply? "Shut up kid, Vince Vaughn is on Ellen". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my dad has been having an affair. With my formerly favorite teacher. The best part? Yesterday, she announced to the class that she was pregnant. I clapped and congratulated her. FML

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By erpuchi - Dominican Republic

Today, my girlfriend got a great idea for her history class project... while we were having sex. FML

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By asdfasdf - Canada

Today, my girlfriend said she didn't want to have sex because it takes too long. FML

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By - France

Today, my first (and only true) date ended with the girl saying "Thanks for dinner, I was hungry - and oh, by the way, I'm a lesbian". FML

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By mama

Today, I went to the doctor's office after getting a positive pregnancy test. She did another one to confirm the result, which came back negative. My husband is wandering around with a great big smile on his face, because he isn't going to have a "rugrat." FML

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By Angie - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me and filmed it, because it would "be a big hit on YouTube." FML

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By Firewielder - United States - Midland

Today, I found out the only reason my parents want me to live with them is because of the tax refund. FML

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Top comments

By comedybreak | 20

#5978276 - Tuesday 17 June 2014 11:36

How unaware of your surroundings are you... YDI

By Meggston | 17

#5978278 - Tuesday 17 June 2014 11:38

That's extraordinarily disgusting.

COMMENTS

By comedybreak | 20

#5978276 - Tuesday 17 June 2014 11:36

How unaware of your surroundings are you... YDI

spignona84 | 11

#5978400 - Tuesday 17 June 2014 15:39

The automatic ones also have push buttons. Maybe OP just thinks he's never heard it flush.

zebrainthenight | 13

#5978602 - Tuesday 17 June 2014 18:55

Right? That's crazy.

And look- OP is a guy. If he had to stand up when he was done, that means he took a shit, he didn't just pee.

A7XCamaro | 19

#5978612 - Tuesday 17 June 2014 19:12

Or he wanted a minute to play on his phone.

JJ_86 | 22

#5978776 - Tuesday 17 June 2014 21:58

Not just phone if he was working there for 9 months. Fuck the lives of all those who had to use toilet after OP the Ignorant dumbhead.

Ololo_fml | 15

#5979523 - Wednesday 18 June 2014 12:27

ewwww that stinks

By Mirorbo | 26

#5978277 - Tuesday 17 June 2014 11:39

So you just walked away every time, regardless of the lack of sound of flushing?

MrDonSalvetti | 27

#5978280 - Tuesday 17 June 2014 11:39

Maybe he thought they invented the "silent toilet" already?

By Meggston | 17

#5978278 - Tuesday 17 June 2014 11:38

That's extraordinarily disgusting.

jad0016 | 12

#5978863 - Wednesday 18 June 2014 0:01

So let me get this straight.. everytime you've left the bathroom you've left a big old shit sitting in the toliet for the next lucky guy. Dude thats disgusting -__-

kingdomgirl94 | 28

#5978981 - Wednesday 18 June 2014 2:15

No thread jacking man, not cool.

By umerin | 32

#5978279 - Tuesday 17 June 2014 11:39

That's gross. So you leave your piss/crap in there for other people to deal with? Did you not realize when you didn't hear the toilet flush?

anrou8 | 9

#5978339 - Tuesday 17 June 2014 13:34

shit happens

By ElinsVal | 9

#5978281 - Tuesday 17 June 2014 11:39

What. Didn't you notice before that it didn't flush?

lexiieeex3 | 32

#5990934 - Saturday 28 June 2014 10:09

Obviously not.

By Adam5858 | 17

#5978282 - Tuesday 17 June 2014 11:40

Toilet flushing automatically!!! I never heard of that

xSalashawty | 30

#5978286 - Tuesday 17 June 2014 11:43

There's quite a few here and honestly they scare the shit out of me sometimes, no pun intended.

SMHsohard | 22

#5978385 - Tuesday 17 June 2014 14:58

Especially when they flush before you stand up

mattrd_fml | 31

#5978614 - Tuesday 17 June 2014 19:14

Sometimes they flush before you stand up and it sprays drops of water on your rear. annoying!

TheVurcle | 10

#5978845 - Tuesday 17 June 2014 23:26

Idiot

awkward_welcomes | 8

#5978880 - Wednesday 18 June 2014 0:24

He most likely doesn't have them where he lives. You not realizing that or thinking that, means that you might be the idiot

By chuksnwali | 34

#5978283 - Tuesday 17 June 2014 11:38

Oh dude, this means that you left crap for people to deal with.

meli1195 | 31

#5978296 - Tuesday 17 June 2014 12:08

You would think that OP would have noticed that he never heard the flushing sound seeing as how automatic toilets flush right away. And it really is effing disgusting when people leave turds for others to deal with.

acerredrum | 23

#5978310 - Tuesday 17 June 2014 12:45

It is actually kind of weird that it isn't an automatic toilet. Automatic toilets tend to have a small button on the side just in case it doesn't register you, you still have a way to flush. Manual toilets usually have a lever.